UP FROM BLACK:
EXT. AMERICAN DESERT ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF TUCUMCARI N.M. -DAY
We see a windswept stretch of high desert.  A dirt road.  A non-descript SUV makes its way through the blowing dust and tumbling tumbleweeds.
CUT TO:
INT. SUV -DAY
A non-descript American dad ALDO is driving.  In the front passenger seat is his wife: a non-descript American mom, FRIEDA.  She is tangling with a fold-up map.  In the backseat are two non-descript American kids, a brother and sister, 9 and 11.  They are FRANGELICA and THADDEUS.
ALDO 
Frieda, use the GPS on your phone, for cripes sake!
FRIEDA
Aldo...there's no signal!  Kids are you getting anything on your phones?
FRANGELICA
Mom, our screens are blank!  How is that even possible?  Are we lost?  I'm frightened!
ALDO
I'm frightened too honey...
FRIEDA
(Under her breath)  Don't tell her that...
THADDEUS
I'm hungry.  Can we stop to eat?
ALDO
First place I see Thaddeus.  I'm hungry too...
CUT TO:
EXT. ROADSIDE DINER -DAY
We see a classic chromium airstream style diner, now gone to seed.  Weeds spring up around its base and sandy winds blast at its windows.  A tumbleweed blows by. A faded sign reads: FRANCES' FOOD-A-TERIA
​CUT TO:
INT. ROADSIDE DINER -DAY
A forlorn woman, looking like someone out of a Dorothea Lange photo, gazes blankly out the window at the sun-baked desolation.  She SIGHS.  This is FRANCES, the owner of the establishment.
FRANCES
Fire up the grill Buddy...something whitebread, this way comes...

CUT TO:
INT. SUV  -DAY
FRIEDA
There's something shiny on the road up ahead!
ALDO
What is it?
FRIEDA
I think it's a diner...yes...there's a sign...what does that say Frangelica?
FRANGELICA
"Frances' Food-a-Teria."
THADDEUS
What's a "floor show"?
ALDO
What?  What are you talking about?
THADDEUS
It says "floor show nightly."
ALDO
Floor show?  That can't be possible.
THADDEUS
But what is it?
FRIEDA
It's like a show honey.  With singing and dancing...maybe magic or stand-up comedy...
THADDEUS
Cool!  I wanna see the floor show!

CUT TO:
INT. DINER -DAY
The family enters the diner where they are met by BUDDY.  He is somewhere in his 50s: cook, waiter, maitre d'(?), jack of all trades.
BUDDY
Will you folks be dining in?
ALDO
Yes...I mean, you are open...I hope?
BUDDY
Oh, yes...of course!  Right this way!
He escorts them all to a booth.  They are the only patrons. They sit and Buddy pours them water.
ALDO
(Drinks) Ahh!  Sweet, cool, precious H2O!
FRIEDA
Do you have menus?
BUDDY
Ah, not on paper...the waitress will be with you in a minute...
Buddy disappears, leaving the family curious and somewhat bewildered.
FRANGELICA
I'm starving.  I want a cheeseburger.
THADDEUS
I want a grilled cheese--
FRANCES looms up, seemingly out of nowhere, startling Frieda.  She is wearing a classic blue waitress' uniform with a white apron.
FRANCES
We don't have grilled cheese.
ALDO
That's okay.  He loves chicken fingers...do you have a kids menu?
FRANCES
Let me tell you about our specials.
FRIEDA
If we could just--
Frances raises her hand, silencing Frieda.
FRANCES
Today we're serving Welsh rarebit with brussel sprouts glazed in a hollandaise reduction sauce.  We also have pheasant under glass with whipped turnips and pan seared nori.  Also rump roast with caramelized rutabaga and an asparagus and kiwi souffle.  Finally, twice baked Kraft Macaroni and cheese.
FRIEDA
That's it?
FRANCES
That's it.
FRIEDA
Well, my son will have the macaroni and cheese, I guess...
FRANCES
Did I mention it was stuffed inside a suckling pig?
FRIEDA
No...
FRANCES
Well it is.
ALDO
Could we possibly get it outside of the pig?
FRANCES
Well, we don't like to do substitutions...but in this case, we'll make an exception...(SHOUTING) Hey Buddy, one order of KMC and 86 little Wilbur!

FRANGELICA
What is "Welsh Rarebit?"
FRANCES
It's just like grilled cheese, except the cheese is on the outside.
FRANGELICA
I guess I'll have that.
FRANCES
Very good. And for you ma'am?
FRIEDA
I'm not very hungry; I'll just pick from my husband's plate...
FRANCES
And what will you have Sir?
ALDO
The rump roast, medium well; but could I get the pan-seared nori instead of the rutuabagas?
FRANCES
Did I not just say there were no substitutions?
ALDO
Yes...?
FRANCES
But for you, handsome, I'll make an exception!
FRIEDA
What do you have in the way of beverages?
FRANCES
You name it.
FRIEDA
A Grasshopper.
FRANCES 
Very good.  And for you young man?
THADDEUS
Crystal Pepsi.
FRANCES
Excellent choice.  And you miss?
FRANGELICA
Diet Squirt please.
FRANCES
One Diet Squirt.  And you Sir?
ALDO
(Contemplating) How about a Billy Beer?
FRANCES
Certainly Sir.  I'll be right back with the drinks.
Frances disappears as suddenly as she'd appeared.
FRIEDA
Wait, do they still make Billy Beer?
ALDO
No!  They haven't made it since nineteen-seventy-eight.
FRIEDA
Okay, this place is really--
Frances is suddenly there again, now with a tray of drinks.  She serves.
FRANCES
Will you be staying for the floor show?
THADDEUS
See Dad.  I told you!
ALDO
I don't see how we could possibly not. 
FRANCES
Please don't use double negatives.
ALDO
Sorry.  So is the show included? 
FRANCES
Well, no.  It's ten dollars for adults; but since it's Wednesday, for kids twelve and under, it's free.
FRIEDA
When does it start?
FRANCES
When I say it starts.

FRIEDA
You know what, I think I'll try the pheasant!  I've never had it before!
FRANCES
You won't be disappointed.
Again she disappears.
THADDEUS
This place is cool!
FRANGELICA
(Holding up phone, snapping pictures, looking) My pictures are all out of focus...like all of them...
Everybody sips their drinks.  Before they even put their glasses down, Frances and Buddy return with food trays.
BUDDY
Who had the Welsh Rarebit?
FRANGELICA
Me...
FRIEDA
My that was quick!
FRANCES
We pride ourselves here at the Food-A-Teria for prompt service.
ALDO
But how?  Is it pre-prepared?
BUDDY
Oh no, Sir!
FRANCES
We do everything from scratch!
ALDO
When?
FRANCES
Chef never reveals his secrets!  (Placing final dish) And here is your pheasant ma'am.  
Frieda lifts the glass, revealing an exquisitely plated dish.  Three pheasant feathers also decorate the plate.
FRIEDA
It smells delicious!
FRANCES
Enjoy. The show will be starting soon...
Again, she and Buddy seem to disappear in a puff of smoke.  The family take tentative bites of their food.
ALDO
This meat is cooked to perfection!  And who would've thought that asparagus and kiwi would pair so well?
FRIEDA
Pheasant is really...pleasant!
THADDEUS
This mac and cheese is blowing my mind!
FRANGELICA
(Talking to her plate)  Welsh Rarebit; where have you been all my life?
​Suddenly, there is a DRUM ROLL and we hear Buddy over a loudspeaker.
BUDDY
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the outskirts of Tucumcari!  Frances' Food-A-Teria is proud to present...THE FLOOR SHOW...

Buddy, now in a tuxedo, comes out from behind a red velvet curtain and goes to the counter.  He lifts a portion of it, revealing a built in piano.  He sits and begins plunking, dirge-like, on one of the keys.  The lights dim and a spotlight turns on.
BUDDY
Presenting, Miss F.
Frances, wearing a very Liza-esque red sequined jump-suit is lowered to the counter on a red velvet swing.  She sparkles in the spotlight.
FRANCES
(Talk-singing in the tempo of the piano, like some German chanteuse)  When I was younger, oh so much younger, my daddy said to me: "Sweet pea, these are your salad days...your time to be free..."  I took his words to heart; but what they meant to me...was that literally...I was meant to make salads...on a cruise ship out at sea...but that was long ago...and now that ship has docked...and brought this girl full circle...back to Tucumcari...and finally back to me...
Suddenly, there is a blare of trumpet and a mariachi band comes out of the shadows.  Frances stands on the counter and begins to dance.
FRANCES
(Singing at full volume) Tucumcari tonight! Gotta get to Tucumcari, it's so right!
Tucumcari tonight
Gotta get to the airport for my flight!
Tucumcari tonight!
Tucumcari...am I right?
The wind is blowin'
Tumbleweeds just a-goin'
I gotta get out of this trailer
Hit the town...pick up a sailor
I'm bored to tears
Gotta face my fears
Wanna get some leers
So it's Tucumcari tonight!
Tucumcari--I just can't fight...
​Come on baby...don't say maybe...​better escort this lady...
At this point, three male dancers appear, wearing little more than thongs.  The family, still eating, is watching this in utter delight...and perhaps some shock.
ALDO
Is that dancer...Channing Tatum?
FRANGELICA
It can't be...can it?
FRIEDA
It sure looks like him...
The three dancers lift Frances and place her on a counter stool.  Then the four of them do an elaborately choreographed dance number on the stools: spinning, leaping, acrobatics, etc.

FRANCES
(Talk singing) Tucumcari is conveniently located on Route 66!
DANCERS
(Singing) Get your kicks!
FRANCES
​Tucumcari has a historical museum, a rail-road museum and a dinosaur museum!
DANCERS
Jurassa-tastic!
FRANCES
Tucumcari is in the Great State of New Mexico!
DANCERS
State of mind!
FRANCES
(Singing) Tucumcari tonight!
Gonna hit that town and take a big bite!
Don't wanna waste time, gonna sing some words that rhyme!
Salad!
DANCERS
Ballad!
FRANCES
Mallard!
FRANCES
Coyote!
DANCERS
Peyote!
ALDO
I feel like I'm on peyote...
THADDEUS
What's peyote?
FRANCES AND DANCERS
(Doing a kick-line)...T...U...C...U...M...C...A....R...I
TUCUMCARI TONIGHT!
The entertainers freeze in a stylized tableau.
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. BLUE SWALLOW MOTEL -DAWN
We see the vintage neon sign with the rays of the sun behind it.  We hear birdsong.  The sign snaps off.
CUT TO:
INT. MOTEL ROOM -DAY
The family, still in their clothes and shoes are lying on the beds.  Aldo and Frieda on one and Frangelica and Thaddeus on the other.  One by one, their eyes flicker open and they stare at the ceiling.
ALDO
I had the weirdest dream...we were at this diner in the middle of nowhere and they had Billy beer...
FRANGELICA
What's welsh rarebit?
FRIEDA 
I ate a pheasant...and Tatum Channing was there...
ALDO
Channing Tatum...
THADDEUS
They had Crystal Pepsi...
FRIEDA
We all had the same dream?  Is that possible?
CUT TO:
INT. SUV -DAY
The car hurtles down the Interstate.  It's a beautiful day.  Frangelica is swiping at her phone.
FRANGELICA
I don't understand this.  All my pictures are gone...
THADDEUS
Mom?
FRIEDA
Yes Thaddeus?
THADDEUS
What's that in your hair?
Frieda runs her hand through her hair and pulls out a long pheasant feather.  They all look at one another in nonplussed bemusement.
​FADE OUT
END

CFR  3/9/23

EXT. -BEACH/ISLE OF SKYE -DAY
Henry waves to Danny and starts back up to the establishment.  It's a quaint inn called "The House Over By" which also houses the Three Chimneys Restaurant.
CUT TO:
EXT. -OPEN AIR SEATING PATIO -DAY
HENRY
It's so beautiful!
DANNY
Wait 'til you see the rooms!
HENRY
"Rooms?"  We can barely afford one Danny.
DANNY
Don't worry brother.  Seamus has us covered.
HENRY
Really?  Why?
DANNY
I suppose your reputation preceded you.  He really wants you as a client...
HENRY
What is it Danny?  I sense a big "but" coming here.
DANNY
You know he does have quite a large arse; but I'm not gonna lie.  He's somewhat on the eccentric side.  He wants to...
HENRY
What?  He wants to what?
DANNY
Read your aura....
HENRY
You're not kidding, are you?
Danny purses his lips and shakes his head.
CUT TO:
INT. INN -DAY
Danny and Henry enter the room which is at once quaint and cozy and luxurious and chic.
DANNY
Gorgeous, right?  Did I lie?
HENRY
It's nice.
DANNY
Well, we're having dinner with Seamus tonight, here at the restaurant.  I suggest you take a nap.  That's what I'm going to do.
HENRY
Did you call Gran?
DANNY
Yeah.  She knows we're here. You should call Donna. I'll be back in an hour or so...
Danny leaves.  Henry lays on the bed and kicks his shoes off.
HENRY
(Scoffing) Nap!  "...Wants to read my aura..."
He closes his eyes and within seconds, is snoring.
CUT TO:
INT. THREE CHIMNEYS RESTAURANT -NIGHT
Danny and Henry are at a table near a window that looks out on Loch Dunvegan.  The restaurant is quite stylish, as are the two brothers.  They are looking at their menus.
HENRY
"Wee nibbles" is that like, appetizers?
​DANNY
I don't know Henry...because they also have "starters."  Maybe they're like pre-appetizer, appetizers?  Did you call Donna?
HERNRY
Yes, Danny, I did.  Since when are you concerned about Donna?
DANNY
Now Hank, that's not fair...
HENRY
No, you're right.  You're right.  I'm sorry. They have haggis.  Have you ever had haggis?
DANNY
No. And I'm not about to start now. (Looks around) This place has one of those Michelin stars.  Now why do you suppose a tire company gives out stars to restaurants?
HENRY
I don't know Danny--
DANNY
Oh, here he is!
Danny stands as two figures approach the table.  Towering over the MAITRE D' is SEAMUS.  Mid 40's.  With his carrot red hair and pale white skin, he seems to glow like fire in the light.  He too looks quite stylish in a camel-colored turtle neck sweater and a kilt of Clan O'Farrell.  

MAITRE D'
Your party Mr. Seamus.
SEAMUS
Thank you, Alan.
The Maitre d' places a menu on the table, pulls out a chair and departs.
DANNY
Seamus, I'd like you to meet my brother Henry.
Henry, who has since stood, puts out his hand.  After a pause, Seamus grasps Henry's hand and sinks down into his chair, pulling Henry down into his.  Does he want to arm wrestle?  Danny looks around then sits.
SEAMUS
Henry.  It's good to meet you.
HENRY
Likewise.
SEAMUS
Henry, I want to ask you to do something for me...
HENRY
Okay...
SEAMUS
I want you to lock eyes with me and don't look away.  I won't look away either...
HENRY
You mean like a staring contest?
SEAMUS
If you like.
HENRY
Okay--
CUT TO: CLOSE SHOT of Seamus' hand as he grips Henry's.
Seamus moves his head in and locks eyes with Henry.  Henry is unflinching.  Seamus, stone faced.  Danny, not really knowing what do, watches in fascination.  Several moments pass.  Henry maintains his gaze.  We see a tight CLOSE UP of Seamus' eyes, searching...for something.  This goes on until it borders on awkward.  Danny sips his water.  Seamus begins to hum softly.  The tune is familiar.  Then Seamus starts to quietly sing...
SEAMUS
(Still staring into Henry's eyes; singing)...smile, though your heart is aching...smile, even though it's breaking...when there are clouds, in the sky, you'll get by...if you smile through your--
He stops singing; but still the two are laser focused.  A tear spills from Seamus' eye.  His face suddenly breaks out in a big grin and gives Henry his hand back.  Then he LAUGHS.
SEAMUS
What do you think Henry?  Can we work together?
HENRY
Yes.  Yes...I think we can...
SEAMUS
​Fantastic!  (He stands and pulls Danny from his chair, giving him a bear hug) Danny boy!  Oh, it's good to see you!
He plunks Danny down in his seat, sits himself and raises the menu.
DANNY
You know, I could never beat him at that.  Never!
The WAITER, approaches the table.
WAITER
Are you gentlemen ready to order?
SEAMUS
Bring me your best single malt with the big rocks--
WAITER 
Very good Sir.
SEAMUS
Do you boys like haggis?
HENRY
I've never had it.
DANNY
Love it!
SEAMUS
Haggis for the table!
WAITER
Yes Sir.
SEAMUS
(Slapping his hand on the table)  Now could somebody please tell me what in hell "Lani-Batali" means?

CUT TO:
INT. SKY DIVING CHAMBER -DAY
Paddy is in mid-air, trying to maintain his position in the airstream.  Ick is floating nearby.  We can hear what they're saying over the rush of the wind through headsets built into their lightweight helmets.
ICK
Bring in your knees Paddy!
Paddy does so, but something goes wrong and he goes spinning to the top of the chamber and then plunging into the safety net.
PADDY
Bollocks!
CUT TO:
INT. CONTROL ROOM -DAY
Roddy and Cal look on as Chris mans the controls.  Roddy leans down to a microphone on the console.
RODDY
Why don't you guys get some lunch?
​Ick gives a thumbs up from the chamber.  Roddy turns to Cal.
RODDY
He's overthinking it; or he's underthinking it.
CAL
He's got a lot on his mind.
RODDY
Such as?
CAL
Something's eating at him.  I don't know.  I just know.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN AREA -DAY
Paddy is at the table.  Sean places a plate of vegetables and brown rice in front of him.
PADDY
What's this?
SEAN
Vegetables and brown rice...
PADDY
What is this? Showgirls?
Ick laughs as he picks up a large round drum and a short stick.
ICK
I love that movie!
SEAN
What you got there Ick?  Is that one of them bowdrans?
ICK
Yes. And it's pronounced "bow-ran."
SEAN
Oh, well pardon me!
PADDY
Would you play a little something for us?
ICK
Sure! (He proceeds to play a few licks) Would you like to try Paddy?
PADDY
Sure.  Anything to distract me from my "lunch."
Ick stands and puts a chair in the middle of the floor and motions for Paddy to sit, which he does.
ICK
Are you left or right handed?
PADDY
I'm ambidextrous.
ICK
Interesting.  Okay, well you hold it however it feels comfortable to you...
Paddy positions the drum under his left arm and holds the stick in his right.
PADDY
Is this right?
Ick stands behind Paddy, very close.  He makes some adjustments to Paddy's positioning.  It is very "hands on."  Is Ick aware of his demonstrativeness?  It's hard to say.  Paddy is trying to be stoic.  Sean fidgets.
ICK
(Placing his hand over Paddy's) Okay, so you just want to do a slow stroke, like this...(He moves Paddy's hand so that it lightly glides over the drum-skin).

Please see blog "Heartfight: A Screenplay: Act 2/Part 3" for continuation of story...​

I'd kill to see this episode!

​So, with the help of my husband Joseph, I wrote a Seinfeld script.  It would probably be one of their patented two parters; or several episode story arcs.  It's called "The Peekers" and you can read it in full in my blog entitled "Pandora Spocks(es)."  Hope you enjoy!
​CFR 2/16/23

I just wanted to throw my two cents in the ring about Madonna's recent Grammy appearance and why I think people are reacting so strongly to her new "look."
I am not here to criticize what she's done.  It's her face, she can do whatever she wants to it.  I'm not here to criticize plastic surgery, youth culture, cosmetology et.al.  I've just been wondering why people are having a nearly violent reaction to  the way Ms. Ciccone looks now.  I'm actually pro plastic surgery.  You know, as we age, gravity takes a toll.  If your house were beginning to sag, you'd want to shore it up, right?  Of course you would.
In the above picture we see Madonna from, oh, I'm guessing between five and ten years ago.  I think it's the last time she truly looked like the Madonna we all knew and loved (or at least liked?  Tolerated?  Okay, yeah, maybe didn't like so much?) No matter if you loved her or didn't, no one could deny that she had a great face.  Those eyes are stunning.  But now, you can't really see her eyes.
Madonna herself and various and sundry media pundits are blaming the negative reaction to her current look as a combination of misogyny and ageism.  I don't think that's what it is.  What it is, is that Madonna isn't really Madonna anymore.  
In the picture above, Madonna still looks like Madonna.  She looks her age.  Interestingly, she's made a mistake with her lipstick.  She's using the ancient Hollywood trick of going outside the natural lip-line to make the lips look fuller.  Bette Davis was a huge fan of this technique:

This technique backfires though. It actually makes a woman look older (if looking older is a "backfire").  There's a scene in Beyond the Forest where Bette isn't wearing lipstick (or much make-up at all) and she looks a good ten years younger.  Also, Madonna, who is a natural brunette, has insisted on being a blonde for most of her life.  I think that also makes her look older; as well as the red lipstick.  But this is all beside the point.  Let's talk about Madonna now.
Why are people rejecting this latest incarnation from the famous chameleon, known for changing her spots.
Well, I think this time she not only changed the spots, she applied them to someone else.  It seems as though she's gone in (or had people go in) and changed the shape of her face at a molecular level.  The proportions have changed.  The area below her eyes is wider.  Her chin area smaller.  Her eyes more recessed. Her lips are completely reshaped.  She does not look like Madonna.  Actually (and I'm not trying to be mean or funny here) she looks like Marilyn Manson.  Marilyn Manson's face is already taken.  By Marilyn Manson.
Madonna has also, it seems, broken a sort of unspoken pact with the public.  Her schtick has always been: "I'm Madonna bitches!"; the implication being that she was one of a kind.  And she was one of a kind.  But now, it seems she's two of a kind; and people don't want the second kind. Madonna, who for so long trumpeted her uniqueness and flipped the bird at the Establishment/Patriarchy/Blah, blah blah; now seems to have caved to those very things.  She's trying to look like a twenty-two year old. She hasn't stood up to aging in an authentically Madonna way.  She's clearly insecure about aging: the one thing none of us can avoid. Her most recent appearance has not just undermined her credibility; her brand.  It's sort of put the final nail in the coffin.
There's also been a lot of talk around this about the "growing old gracefully" trap for women.  We ask that a woman grow old gracefully; but if she ages "naturally" (and in particular if she's a celebrity and we all know what she looked like in her salad days); we will reject that, because we want her to look like she did back in the day.  Conversely, if she chooses to age with the assistance of surgical means (like Madonna); we won't accept that either.  I don't think that's true though.  If a woman chooses la plastica as an aging option and she does it well, people will cheer.  Remember when Betty Ford got a facelift?

Success!  Why?  Because she still is recognizably "Betty Ford."
​How about Jane Fonda?

She's 85.  Success!  Why?  Because she's still unmistakably "Jane Fonda." And notice: no red lipstick.
Nobody's on Jane's back about her work (although I'm a little tired of her saying "we should own our faces" and "I'm through with plastic surgery." Yeah, okay Jane...)  If I was a celebrity (or not, as I am) I'd be hiring a private detective to find out who Jane's surgeon is!  
How about Dolly Parton?
Oh let's leave Dolly out of this.  She gets a pass.
What about men and plastic surgery?  Here are my humble observations. 
Men should NEVER have ANY eye-work done (well, maybe undereye bags when they turn into suitcases; but never the eyelids).  It never looks right.  Men are supposed to have some meat around their eyes. Kenny Rogers, for example.

I would argue that after Kenny had his eyes done, his career was over.  He didn't look like Kenny Rogers anymore.  That sleepy, dreamy, cuddly vibe that came from his eyes was lost.
I think men can do a little botox for forehead lines and the "11" between the eyes; but not too much or you end up looking like Raymond Arroyo, the Snidely Whiplash of Fox News (who has the audacity to sit with Laura "Fox Me!" Ingraham and make fun of other people's physical appearances).

No, I am not Pee-Wee Herman!  And no, I don't work at Madame Tussauds!  Foutre le camp!

​Also, I think the "necklift" is fine for any man.  Getting rid of jowls and turkey neck is never a bad thing; and instantly shaves a good twenty years off the appearance.

When I lived in Los Angeles, there were a lot of women who looked like this:

The giant lips.  The too tiny nose.  The strange eyebrows.  And always, it seemed, the white blonde hair. Oh, and the giant boobs. The template was the blonde, Playboy bunny.  Or perhaps the Swedish milkmaid.

And there was the male counterpart to this.  Masculine men with strangely feminized features:

Why does his mustache look glued on?
These people seemed to be from some strange tribe or planet or planetary tribe.  The ones that I met never seemed very happy to me.  They often seemed like they were in pain.  And perhaps they were.  Perhaps trying to find happiness through plastic surgery?  But so many never seem happy with the results and keep returning to the well.  But it's a well of diminishing returns.  And you never miss the well until the water runs dry.  I mean, you only have so much face, right?

CFR 2/11/23