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nO, Canada!

5/28/2024

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WANTED:
For transporting HAM across international borders:

So, I saw IF this weekend. It starred Canadian, Ryan Reynolds, who has made a career for himself being snarky. And a wiseass. And glib. And jaded. And (fill in synonym for sarcastic here). And that's fine. That's just fine. I like snark every now and again. I enjoyed the Deadpool movies. I enjoyed Free Guy, especially since he was playing a hologram, so the detachement was organic to the role. But in IF, his natural tendencies had to be reigned in (or is that reined in). Or is it rained in?* Because it really seemed like his parade was being rained on. His tendencies had to be reined in because it was a "kids" movie and you can't really have your male lead be snippy with a little girl for the entire movie. And yet he kind of was; albeit in a softened sort of way. His snark was somewhat snuffed out; rendering it snarf. And I just have to ask, a clown? Really? Her IF was a clown? Have we not come to the cultural agreement that clowns are not fun? They are not cute? They are not cuddly? They are not comforting? I thought we had. In America anyways. Maybe clowns are still j'adored in Canada. I mean they have Pierrot, right? Which brings us to my main question about Msr. Reynolds. Why is he sarcastic? How did he build a career on sardonicalness? He's Canadian. I thought Canadians were supposed to be nice. Like NICE. Like hearts and flowers. Like, let me hold the door for you, polite. Like SUPER NICE. Perhaps Canadians suffer from ennui. I mean, they're way into hockey. Hockey is not nice. Hockey is mean. Hockey is that dream where your teeth fall out--but for real. On ice.
How did Canadians get such a foothold in the AMERICAN entertainment industry? I mean do Canadians have a lock on goofy faces that American simply can't master? Maybe they do...

*Miss Spelling Sez:

"The spelling you want here is R-E-I-N-E-D. As in the reins of a horse. In a sentence: "When she saw Ryan at the butter machine, drowning his refill bucket in even more golden flavoring; she felt a pang of memory; and she wiped away a tear, admonishing herself: 'Rein it in Scarlett baby; just rein it in.'"

****

Yeah, so Ryan Reynolds is supposed to be nice. And maybe he is in real life; but a lot of the characters he plays lately, not so much. I mean sarcasm can get tiresome. Have you ever had a sarcastic friend? Sooner or later you just want to say, "enough already Felicia; gad, take a chill pill!" But if you're like me, you usually don't. Just bite your tongue and *SIGH* until the next barb.

I mean, maybe Canadians really aren't "nice" and "polite." Maybe they're crafty, conniving little mink-finks who get their foot in the door and hunker down and have anchor careers!
Which brings us to our next border. Downunder, mate!
WANTED!:
FOR SMUGGLING BUDGERIGARS ACROSS INTERNATIONAL WATERS:

These Ozzies pose even more of a threat to Red-Blooded American Movie and TV Stars! They're everywhere! Everywhere but DOWNUNDER! Doesn't Australia have its own entertainment industry? Why are these boofheads coming 7500 miles and coasting by on good looks and charm? Why it's nearly impossible nowadays to see an American film, made in America, starring American Stars! It's a fair dinkum bingle! And we can't forget the sheilas, coming here and snapping up Oscar statuettes and noms meant for fair dinkum Seppos!

And don't even get me started on Britain. Oh, too late! It's tea time Clarice.

Hmmmmm...I'm seeing a common thread here.
ENGLAND OUT OF INGLEWOOD! (ADJACENT)
Doesn't England have its own FILM/TV industry? Ah, yes, it does (and if I see one more BritBox commercial with a snooty accented British dame matronizing me, I'm gonna throw a crumpet at the telly!). Bug off Liz. You had your day. I'm sure you're bossing around everyone up there in the great Buckingham in the sky. We're sure you're right there at the right hand of God. Or is God at the right hand of you? Why don't you tell all your Dames and Sirs to bugger off back to Brixton and let actual Americans win some Awards? Do you carry your handbag in heaven or is there a coat check? In any event, get your spectral thumb out of our Hollywood pie, Felicia. You've pulled out your last plum, honey!

Wait a second. You're not British. Get out of there Meryl! Oh wait, maybe you are British. If not DNA-wise, then decidedly by proxy. I guess this counts:

You kind of look like Faye Dunaway there! And isn't it nice that Faye is finally getting kudos for being "on wheels" all these years? And Meryl, could you please leave this blog? You're directly in my eyeline. But before you leave, I have a suggestion. Since you like playing Queens so much (and do it so well); how about a remake of Queen Bee? You'd be awesome in that role.

Speaking of Daniel Day Lewis. Long time fan. Saw My Beautiful Launderette at the movies, on a "date" (well, it was a date as far as I was concerned, maybe not for the other fellah, who I may have actually been in love with; so, yeah, that movie and thusly you, have an unassailable soft spot/pace in my heart). This was before you got so effing serious about it all.

And yeah, sure, you were great as Lincoln in Lincoln; but why was a Brit playing Abraham Lincoln? I mean, what does that say about the state of American acting? That they couldn't even cast an American to play Honest Abe? I mean, honestly, I don't even want to think about it. And I just gotta say this...
Why was that movie so boring?
Even with your amazing acting, I still nodded off a good 13 times! Why wasn't the movie called The 13th Ammendment*?
I don't blame you Danny. I put the blame squarely on the shoulders of Mr. Spielberg and Mr. Kushner. How can you make the Civil War and the events at Ford's Theater that uninteresting? If I wanted a Civics class, I could've signed up for one online at Southern New Hampshire U. You hire Sally Field, the woman who gave us Sybil to play famously crazy Mary Todd LIncoln and then have her go sit next to the hearth and knit? Did y'all forget moviemaking 101? Show don't tell. But you did "show." Yeah, you showed a lot of people signing documents. Scintillating!
Gee, I may be getting a little bitchy; but again: we can blame another Brit. I've been binge watching Capote v. Swans and Truman has gotten into my head. Thanks a lot, British actor Tom Hollander. But give that man the fucking Emmy right now. And Danny, please stop saying you're "retired." You're not retired. No one believes you're retired. No actor at your relatively young age "retires." So, knock it off. Pack it in, mate.

That scene has made me cry for a second time. And here we have a Brit and an Aussie playing two quintessentially American figures. Maybe they can do it better than We the People can.
And now back to those lousy Canadians!
And yes, I'm kidding about all of this. Some of my most very favorite actors are Canadian. Genevieve Bujold, for example. Here she is in Coma, one of my all time favorite movies (for some reason that even I can't figure out):

Oh, I think we need to see a little more of that!

Notice how Elizabeth Ashley never blinks? Now there's at least one American who knows what they're doing!

*MISS SPELLING SEZ:
"You only want one "M" here, Chris."

In fact, my favorite actor may very well be Canadian, Donald Sutherland. The man never gives a false note, no matter what he's in. Even if what he's in isn't so great. Even when his coif and facial hair choices are decidedly risky and possibly distracting (I mean, is that a perm or isn't it?). Let's take a look at him being great in something great!

He's saying so much by doing so little. And he's with another Brit(!). Nah, love her too. Talk about unassailable.
And yes, I love the Aussies. The Sheilas and the Boofhead Blokes. The Ozzie fellas have the hairiest chests and the perkiest nips!

So, on second thought...let's foster (as in Foster's Lager!) Open-Armed International Amnesty And Open Bordered Pan-Amore-L'Amour! Like these two:

Wait, what? 'Secret Sauce'? Am I reading this right? What kind of sauce? Vegemite? Poutine gravy? Should sauce ever be part of any friendship, outside of a restaurant kitchen? I mean are we talking like hollandaise? Bernaise? Or more like tahini or poi?

I've never had poi and I've been to Hawaii a few times. There's also this kind of poi:

Hugh, I really think you should get into this poi thing and encourage Ryan to do it too! I mean, learning a skill is hard; and Ryan needs to put his mind to something other than withering quips and throwing shade. Now he can throw poi balls! Perhaps the two of you could put an act together and then go on America's Got Talent. Wait...will they let you guys on that show, seeing as you're not American? Probably, as it seems America doesn't have quite as much talent as America's Got Talent would like us to believe. How about America's Got Talented Australians and Canadians? And I truly adore him; but why is Terry Crews on that show? He's not a judge, right? And he doesn't introduce the acts; am I wrong? So, like what does he do? Apparently he plays the flute...

Or does he?

I mean does he play the flute or doesn't he. Or does he just dabble; like I dabble with the electric guitar? I don't know, but I would totally watch America's Got Talent if they cut out everything but Terry and called it, Terry Crews Has Talent. Now that I would watch!
And on a final note, I have to say, I am LOVING Jim Carrey's "Dr. Robotnik" look!

It's quite becoming. Of course, Jim can't not make faces; but that 'stache and haircut look really good on him. I'm working on my own Snidely Whiplash 'stache as we speak. And I've been doing that circa 1901 haircut since the late 80's. I want my summer '24 look to be sort of like this fellas:

I'm planning on making my own striped, high-waisted swim trunks as well. I'll post pics! Jim and I go way back. He's a real noodge! But what can you expect? He's Canadian. Polite, my ass.

Aurevoir mes amis!

CFR 5/31/24

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The Good Will Hunting "Sequel" Script (Incomplete / Industry Standard Format)

5/26/2024

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Artwork by ThaoNguyenArt @ Etsy

Somehow, I feel, this makes it more official. And less of a "joke." It is now titled WILL HUNTING. Nice and simple. I mean, we know he's good. And what could he possibly be looking for anymore? I will(!) admit; at first I thought the idea of this was absolutely PREPOSTEROUS. Why, though? Perhaps becasues the original was so original and so good (is it now, darewesay, a MODERN CLASSIC?). Why would it need a sequel? Well, it doesn't. What does really? I think the point of a sequel, usually, is to make $$$. That's why so many sequels are hot garbage. But I think the other reason for sequels is that people simply want to see more of characters they've come to love at least one more time. It's also why I think nobody wants to see them more than twice; and why #3 in a series is usually, well, hot garbage. That's why I think the story and the script need to be as good as they possibly can be. And of course, having the original actors play the parts again. That is crucial. If they dont', you get more...hot garbage.
Now the rest of this...the rest of Will Hunting. It seems clear he needs to find his mother. Find out why she abandoned him. And he needs to help a kid who is in trouble; like he was. Pay it forward. And of course, find out what happened to Skylar and how he and Tom ended up together. Pretty simple really. Because this is really just about spending more time with these people. I think that's what any good story is always about.

Perhaps there's more...

CFR 5/26/24

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GHOSTS IN THE MACHINES

5/22/2024

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Ya know those memes? The ones that are like: "...I was (BLANK) years old when I found out..."? Yeah. Well, I was "blank" years old when I found out that the album artwork for the Police's 1981 issue Ghost In the Machine depicted the faces of the three band members; not simply fubarred digital "seven-segment display" numerals (see above photo of album cover). And I was today old when I learned that that was what those numbers are called. You really do learn something new every day!
So, that brings us to this particular dot-matrix: these blogs; and their accompanying visuals. Now, I've been doing this pretty steadily now for about three years or so and if you read them; you know I post a lot of visual material to enhance and hopefully delight. When I make these pages, I use the graphics menu that Weebly supplies. I rely most heavily on the "IMAGE" button, which simply transposes one image per window. And lately, the "GALLERY" button, which allows me to supply a variety of images in a grid style fashion. For example, below, please see a grid of Sting in various states of shirtlessness:

Now, here's what will probably happen. At least one or two of these photos from the grid will migrate to other places on the website, like little ghosts, and settle somewhere where they aren't supposed to be. Or are they? Because I've noticed that in some cases, photos are showing up that kind of make reference to the text. Like, something or someone is making editorial decisions (besides me, that is). For example. I posted a picture of a generic L.A. Lady who I thought was exemplary of a certain type of woman who lives in that fair city and indulges in more than a fair amount of "work." She was in a blog about plastic surgery called "Saving Face." This might not be the exact picture, but it will give you an idea:

I went back to that blog, for some reason, and the picture had been replaced. This time with a picture I had posted elsewhere of Nicole Kidman, sporting light blonde hair. So, it looked as though I had posted a picture of Ms. Kidman as an example of this particular type of woman; which I didn't. And she isn't. Here is the Nicole Kidman picture:

The pictures do have certain things in common though. Both are of women with light blonde hair. Is some "algorithm" putting a certain amount of "thought" into placing these pictures. How random is it? And mostly, WHY is it happening? Weebly can't seem to fix the problem. I certainly can't fix the problem. That would require going back over what is now A LOT of material and not only attempting to fix it; but monitor it. I simply can't do that. And, as I have rather "settled in" here on this site; I feel no exigency to pull up roots and go to some other website site. We're all going to just have to live with it. What I can do is this: in the event that an image is referred to specifically in the text, I can describe it. Thus, in the event that HAL 9000 here decides to move things around, you, dear reader, will be able to figure out what the EFF I'm talking about.
That is all for now, I guess. And to update you on what I'm "concentrating" on here; I need to finish a recent blog about the cars in my life (the vehicles, not the band); and, finish up my TV Christmas/HallmarkMoviesque screenplay entitled: CUMMING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS. So here's a little song I think is apropos for this. Ciao!

CFR 5/22/24

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Now You Can Ask Nicole Kidman About AMC and Excedrin P.M.!

5/19/2024

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Hello and welcome to Ask Nicole About AMC and Excedrin P.M. I'm your host, Meryl Streep.

I'm very excited to welcome our special guest, Ms. Nicole Kidman, who will be answering your questions about AMC movie theaters and Excedrin P.M. pain reliever. Our phone lines are open now, so if you have a question, please call 1-888-555-PILL. That number again is 1-888-555-7455. Now, I don't need to tell you much about our guest. I mean, if you didn't know all about her amazing career as an actress, you probably wouldn't be listening. But what you might not know is that she is also an expert on movie theater management and pain management. So, any questions you might have about AMC theaters and Excedrin P.M. are welcome and encouraged, since Nicole is a co-branded co-ambassador for both brands. Hi Nicole. Welcome.
NICOLE KIDMAN
Hello Meryl. Thank you for having me. And please call me Nick.
MERYL STREEP
Well, I didn't want to be presumptuous.
NICOLE
Oh, stop! And I'm not calling you Miss Streep!
LAUGHTER
MERYL
Well, our phone lines are lighting up! Are you ready to take a call, Nick?
NICOLE
Sure; but before we do, I just wanted to reiterate for anyone who calls in that I can only answer questions about AMC theaters and Excedrin P.M. pain reliever and nothing else. I'm, as they say, contractually obligated.
MERYL
You're preaching to the choir, sister! Okay...our first caller is a Mr. Arthur Manoogian from Cuervo, New Mexico. Mr. Manoogian, you're speaking with Nicole Kidman.
MR. MANOOGIAN
(V/O) Can I call her Nick?
MERYL
Would that be okay, Nick?
NICOLE
Absolutely. What's your question Arthur?
MR. MANOOGIAN
It's Mr. Manoogian, if you don't mind.
NICOLE
I don't mind. What can I answer for you, Mr. Manoogian?
MR. MANOOGIAN
Do you know how to start a car with a screwdriver?
NICOLE
Excuse me?
MR. MANOOGIAN
Yeah, my Tercel broke down on I-40 and let me tell you; it's a real headache! All I have is a screwdriver.
NICOLE
The tool or the cocktail?

(LAUGHTER)
MR. MANOOGIAN
I wish! No, just the screwdriver.
MERYL
What kind?
NICOLE
I'll handle this Meryl. What kind?
MR. MANOOGIAN
A flathead.
NICOLE
What size?
MR. MANOOGIAN
It's a good sixteen inches long.
NICOLE
Now that's a bloomin' screwy!
MR. MANOOGIAN
So what do I do?
NICOLE
Ya know, I do know how to do this. I worked with Nick Cage on a show once and he'd done a car-jacking movie so he knew; and he gave me some tips. So this is what you do. First, pop open the bonnet. Then, you're going to take that screwy and

TEXT REDACTED FOR LEGAL REASONS

NICOLE
Now turn the key Artie and it should fire up. I'll wait.
SOUND OF CAR ENGINE TURNING OVER
MR. MANOOGIAN
It worked! Thanks Nicky!
NICOLE
No worries. Do you have any questions about AMC theaters?
MR. MANOOGIAN
Well, it is a movie question. Does that count.
NICOLE
I'm not here to f*** with spiders, mate!
MR. MANOOGIAN
What movie were you in with Nick Cage?
NICOLE
Oh, it was a fair dinkum flicker called Trespass. Did you see it?

MR. MANOOGIAN
I think I caught it on cable. Was it about, like a home invasion type thing?
NICOLE
Yeah.
MR. MANOOGIAN
Right. So, did you owe Joel Schumacher a favor or something?
NICOLE
Could we get the next caller Meryl?
MERYL
Oh, what...you can't handle this one? Our next caller is Melinda Bleddyn. Am I pronouncing that correctly?
MELINDA BLEDDYN
No Meryl you aren't. It's pronounced "Bleh-thin."
MERYL
Huh, I would've thought with my facility with languages and accents and my natural perspicacity--
NICOLE
How can I help Melinda?
MELINDA
I'm Welsh.
NICOLE
And you need help with that?
MELINDA
No. My question is this. What did your character and Miss Streep's character from The Hours have to do with one another? Did I miss something?
NICOLE
I think you're mistaken Melinda. Meryl wasn't in that picture.
MELINDA
I thought she was.
MERYL
Ah, yeah. I was.
NICOLE
Oh. Didn't you play my niece, Meryl?
MERYL
No, I didn't play--
MELINDA
No, she didn't. So what did I miss?
NICOLE
Well, you see, I was playing Virginia Woolf who wrote a book called Mrs. Dalloway; and in it, Mrs. Dalloway buys some flowers by herself.
MELINDA
Yeah, and?
NICOLE
Is was symbolic.
MELINDA
Symbolic of what?
NICOLE
The Sisterhood of Women, you kow, like down through the ages.
MERYL
Yeah, my character buys her own flowers too!
MELINDA
So, by buying her own flowers, a woman takes the reigns of her own destiny?
MERYL AND NICOLE
(Simultaneously) Yes!
MELINDA
I'm not buying it. That movie was dumb. It gave me a headache.
NICOLE
Then you should take an Excedrin P.M.
MELINDA
But it's seven o'clock in the morning in Cnwch Coch. Besides, I don't have a headache right now.
NICOLE
But keep it in mind Melinda. You see, Excedrin P.M. contains a sleep aid, diphenhydramine, to help you get to sleep when your headache won't!
MELINDA
Can I take it in the A.M.?
NICOLE
Well, yes, you could. We don't recommend it, however, especially if you're going to drive or operate heavy machinery.
MELINDA
Gwych! Hwyl!

MERYL
Moving on Nick; our next caller is a Mr. Christopher Reidy from Ventin, Virginia.
CHRISTOPHER REIDY
Oh, hai Meryl, hai Nick! Longtime fan, first time caller. Oh, and it's actually Vinton, Virginia.
MERYL
I'm really off my game today.
NICOLE
No worries, Meh!
MERYL
Do you have a question for Nicole today, Christopher?
CHRISTOPHER
Please, call me Chris.
MERYL
Sure. And your question?
CHRIS
Well, my local AMC has eight theaters and somehow I always seem to pick the movie that's playing in theater one. And the screen in that theater has blecch on it.
NICOLE
Can you describe the blecch?
CHRIS
Sure. Well, it seems as though someone may have thrown a cherry Icee at the screen sometime in the past and it's left a large stain on the screen. Also, there's a tear they seem to have mended with packing tape. And also gum or candy or something that is stuck to the screen. I find it very distracting, particularly when the gum appears to be a mole on someone's face. Like it did when Meryl played Katharine Graham. It looked like she needed a facial. Or a visit to a dermatologist.
NICOLE
Have you brought this to the attention of management?
CHRIS
No. I guess I just kept hoping they'd fix it. Correctly, I mean.
NICOLE
This would be my fix. I'd go and get some Technikote movie screen paint and slather that billabong-aroo right up; and then, no worries mate!
MERYL
I don't think they've made that since the mid-60's Nick.
NICOLE
How would you know?
MERYL
Not a lot of people know this; but I'm very up on my history of film. And that's right down to the wholesale price of the lollies at the concession stand. And what's a "billabong-aroo"?
NICOLE
That's Ozzie talk. You're not from there. You wouldn't understand.
MERYL
Excuse me; but I immersed myself in Australian culture when I played Lindy Chamberlain.
CHRIS
The dingo lady?
MERYL
Good on ya, Chris. Yes!

CHRIS
I loved that movie! I mean, it was like kind of a bummer; but so well done, I saw it at the cinema twice.
MERYL
Thank you for your support, Chris.
CHRIS
You're welcome, Meh. And since we're talking about your acting, can I thank you for your support?
MERYL
Ah, sure. Yeah, I guess. Although I'm a little unclear here. What support?
CHRIS
I brought a clip...
MERYL
But you're on the phone.
CHRIS
Roll the clip!

NICOLE
What a fair dinkum delight, sheila. Good on ya!
MERYL
Well, thank you. No Emmy nom. Golden Globe though. Oh, and Critic's Choice, so. Yeah. What does this have to do with the price of Vegemite in Melbourne, Chris?
VOICE OF OPERATOR
I have an emergency phone call for Meryl Streep. Will you accept the charges?
MERYL
Ah, sure. Who--
TINA FEY
(V/O) Meryl, it's Tina.
MERYL
Oh, hi Teenz. Did you have an Excedrin P.M. emergency?
TINA
Yeah. And his name is Chris Reidy.
MERYL
The guy on the other line?
TINA
Yeah. Him.
MERYL
What's his deal, anyways?
TINA
I'm sure he's about to tell you that you that: A) You appropriated his work; or, B) borrowed one of his ideas; or C) was inspired by him somehow.
MERYL
Inspired? I've never met him before. And what does this have to do with Only Murders, anyways? Oh, and I'm sorry Teenz, that you didn't get any noms for your guest spot on the show.
TINA
Thanks Meh. That's so sweet. Well Chris, what are you waiting for?
CHRIS
Hi Tina! How's it hangin'?
TINA
Really busy being a STAR, Chris. A high paid one. How 'bout you?
CHRIS
Oh, just sitting around, NOT watching the latest Mean Girls project...so, Meryl, I'm sending you a fax--hold on a sec--

MERYL
Script pages? I don't accept unsolicited materials.
NICOLE
Let me see those Meh--
SOUND EFFECT: PAPER SHUFFLING

NICOLE
Crikey, this is all about "fairy" boats too. Oh, this is from that scene we somehow just watched!

MERYL
Let me see that! (GRABS PAGES) Yeah, this was Season 3, Episode 5, entitled "Ah, Love!" Now that was a fun scene. So charming! Oh, and that actor was there too.
TINA
You mean Marty Short?
MERYL
Is that his name? I thought that was Barry Manilow!
CHRIS
Well, here's a page from my script, entitled "Heartfight." It too was set on a ferry boat and had an interesting play on words...

MERYL
Now wait just a minute here! Are you implying, nay, accusing the writers of this beloved, critically acclaimed, multi-Award-nominated-slash-winning television program, that managed to land me as a guest, of some kind of nefarious, under-handed Machiavellianism?
CHRIS
You said it, I didn't. And I think it was just over-handed.
MERYL
(Snatching all the papers) Let me see those!

MERYL
This is just--
CHRIS
A coincidence?
MERYL
Yes! A sort of...contraconcomitance.
CHRIS
Did you just make that up?
MERYL
Yes.
CHRIS
Noice!
MERYL
Well, I don't want to toot my own horn; but I won the Yale Cabaret's Most Eloquent Server Award in '74.
CHRIS
They made you act and serve food too?
MERYL
Honey, I can do Ophelia's "noble mind" speech while I table-side flambe your Bananas Foster. Just sayin.'
NICOLE
(Grabbing papers back, shuffling) Contraconcomitance my arse! When did this episode air Chris?
CHRIS
Last August. The 29th of '23 to be exact.
NICOLE
And when did you post your script?
CHRIS
Oh, like, May of '23.
NICOLE
So there's a Buckley's chance that their script was written before yours?
CHRIS
Well, I don't know how far in advance they write their scripts. Or rewrite them. But that is a good three month window.
NICOLE
Oh, this really cracks the shits! You must be devo, mate.
CHRIS
By this point, Nick, I'm used to it. But since Meryl was wherever it was I get my podcasts, I figured I'd call in.
TINA
See what I mean, ladies? I mean come on. Everybody refers to ferry boats as fairy boats. It's a thing.
MERYL
Yeah, but is it?

TINA
Oh! Oh! You should get him to play his little 3 degrees of Reidyation game! Hah!
MERYL
What is that?
TINA
It's when he tries to glom on to Big Stars like us. It's really sad. It's like that Six Inches Away from Kevin Spacey game.
NICOLE
Oh, I love that game! Okay Chris, how many degrees separates us?
CHRIS
Well, one; but I can do it through more than one person.
NICOLE
Beauty! Lay one on me, mate!
CHRIS
Well, when I worked at Paramount, Tom Cruise walked right by me with your kids.
NICOLE
Well I'll be outbackabillabongarooed, not to mention budgiebarbiedupthekangabanga!
MERYL
Those are not real words. Well, how about me Chris?
CHRIS
One degree.
MERYL
I'm listening.
CHRIS
One time I was eating at Ben Frank's on the sunset strip and Ed Harris was in the booth behind me. Our heads would've touched if I'd leaned back far enough. And of course, you and he were in The Hours together. How's Daniel Brocklebank?
MERYL
Who?
CHRIS
The guy who was in the flower shop scene with you in The Hours.
MERYL
There was someone else in that scene?
CHRIS
Yep--
MERYL
Tina, are you still there?

NICOLE
Maybe she had to go buy flowers. Well Chris, I really have to get back on topic. Do you have any questions about Excedrin P.M.?
CHRIS
Actually, I do.
NICOLE
I'm listening.
CHRIS
How many Excedrin pills would it take, laid end to end, to reach the moon from the Earth?
DEAD AIR
CHRIS
Hello? Nicole? Are you still there? Meryl? Meryl?

CHRIS
I guess lunch is out of the question...

CFR 5/22/24

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Don't Ask Me Why I Remember This or Some Really Dumb Commercials From Back In the Day

5/14/2024

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I always remembered this girl as being named "Beatrice" for some reason...

Why Angela Lansbury? Why?

What's the subtext with this one?

I always wondered why I was supposed to know who she was. And why does it take them so long to recognize her?

This one ran forever. It might still be running. And I just noticed something. They went back and reshot the part with the wife in the back. It's a different shirt hanging there! A 50 year old mystery (no one ever realized) solved! Here's the original and then the new and improved:

It seems like they just reshot the one section. Yeah, so, I have way too much time on my hands.
Ciao
Chris

CFR 5/15/24

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Where I Was and What I Was Driving

5/14/2024

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One of my nieces, who grew up in Massachusetts, truly surprised me when not only did she not get her license as soon as she possibly could, she dragged her feet about it, well into her twenties. Although, I'm one to talk. When I was sixteen and thus able to secure a learner's permit, I didn't. Actually, I think some kids were putting the process in motion as young as fifteen and a half. Like my friend Scott. Although, he (and thus me) was already driving around completely illegally when he was like fourteen. Maybe even thirteen. And a late 60's Buick Electra 225 no less!

When I finally did start driving; or learning to drive; it was behind the wheel of a mid-70's Oldsmobile '98 Regency. And my oh my, that car was yar!

The Olds '98, which I believe was a 1975 model and possibly even longer than the one seen above, was our family car. Our dad had purchased it used, from a private seller, because we needed all that horsepower to pull a trailer; which we did, every summer. Usually to Camp Lejeune, North Carolina. My dad has always been known for his frugal ways; so he must've gotten a good deal on it. His usual mode of transport was a VW bug. Not, I think, because of it's coolness factor; but because back then, that was the "cheap" car that frugal people bought. It was cheap, it was a workhorse and they lasted forever. That's why so many people had them. In fact, when he was in the Marines in the late 50's, he bought a bug somewhere in Europe and had it shipped to the States because that was actually cheaper than buying a new car in the U.S. Their advertising spoke to this.

Isn't it interesting (well, it is to me), that we tend to think our parents didn't have lives until we became conscious of them? Especially parents as old as mine, for whom even snapshots were a luxury. Like, what was my father doing when he first became aware of the Volkswagen Bug and decided he wanted one. Did he see one on the street? Was he reading a magazine and saw an ad? Was he watching television, which at the time was a BRAND NEW medium, and saw a commercial. If the latter was the case, where was he? Where did the TV come from? What was he lying, sitting, standing on? What clothes was he wearing and where did he get them? These things can simply NEVER be known; because God knows he isn't going to remember them; or try to, if asked. "What?" he'd say, "I don't know. Why the hell would I remember that?" I guess this is why I write. Because I think about things like that. I can close my eyes and remember the smell inside those cars. The texture and feel of every feature.

So, my thought on my niece's reluctance to drive was that it's simply part of her generation, which I guess is Gen Z. (and isn't that whole "Gen" thing getting a little stale? Let's just leave it at Gen X (the first and BEST "gen"; like me!) and be done with it. Her Gen grew up with Uber to cart their little asses around. Sure great. Share the ride! But I always wondered who was paying the tab. I mean, maybe it's a good thing. The car has probably done more to wreck our environment than anything else; but WE LOVE OUR CARS. And I'm not excluding myself. I love being able to jump in a car and go where I want. But, and this surprises me, I'm kind of looking forward to the "self-drive" option. I took a recent road trip to St. Louis and ten hours behind the wheel at 57 was kind of hellacious. Driving takes a huge amount of concentration, which you really start to notice when you get older.
After I learned how to drive in that big ass Olds, my official first car I inherited was from my cousin Kelly. She gave it to me (after she had sort of driven it into the ground, which I found out later); but before I get into that. Let's check in on my going to my Senior Prom! Well, that will have to come later, as I can't find the picture of me and the Olds going to the prom. Perhaps in an addendum?
Anyways. My first official car was an early 70's Chevy Malibu Chevelle. In Gobi Beige.

I had ZERO idea how cool this car was at the time (1984ish). It was a "muscle car." Now a cult car. Apparently a much restored and coveted vehicle. Who knew? The only thing I knew at the time was that it was always breaking down. It spent more time at Artie's Texaco then it did on the road. Then, we inherited our grandparent's Chevy Impala. The Impala was sort of the "go to" sedan for my parents as well, as it held all of us and could also pull a trailer. My sister got her hands on the Impala first. It was gold.

"Champagne Gold," if my research is correct. My grandfather smoked non-stop when he drove; and he always had one of those little pine tree air freshners hanging from the radio knob. He would pull the wrapper off all at once. You weren't supposed to do that. Your were supposed to do it in increments. You could pass out in that car in the winter with the windows rolled up.

After my sister pretty much ran the Impala into the ground, I inherited that one. It died pretty quick; so then I was back to borrowing cars. Then, my dad, ever the frugal military man, wanted to trade out his 1982 Toyota Corolla Tercel (after about a decade) for a Hyundai Excel, which was the latest super cheap foreign car available in the U.S. (I think the Yugo was a little too tatty, even for my dad). So he offered the Toyota to me, for $700.00. I agreed. Here is one of Toyota's lame-o ads for the Tercel. Has Toyota ever had a good ad campaign?

Dad gave me a break on the payments after about the 300 dollar mark. Here's me with the Tercel in the early 90's shortly before I drove it out to Los Angeles:

I actually put the touch of red paint on the hub caps myself. Here is another view of the model (not mine):

My Tercel was a five speed, on which I'd learn how to drive a stick. So, this was my car in Los Angeles for about eight years; and then I drove it back to Massachusetts where it literally died after some 100,000 plus miles. Then, it was back to public transportation. And then back to Los Angeles in less than a year. And back to public transportation involving a bicycle and a lot of walking. And then I met my husband (who wasn't my husband yet) and he had a car, so that became my car. And now, my cars are his cars and vice-versa.
SYNCHRONICITY ASIDE!
When I was in Marshall's the other day, I was looking through shirts and I came across several where it was like, ah, no way; but then, ah, yes way: because this shit happens to me all the time. There were a bunch of VW and GM branded shirts. Here are several designs that caught my eye:

I mean, I had just been looking at early 70's Chevy ads and of course my dad had the red bug and we also had a VW bus (in blue) when I was a baby.

SYNCHRONICITY ASIDE #2:
I recently wrote a second blog about that thirst-trap of a scamp, Chris Meloni. I posted a pic of him with a car. I just realized how oddly similar it is to the one of me with my Tercel. I mean, how many similar points of comparison before something becomes uncanny? I betcha were the same age in those pohots. You tell me, Universe!

Also, speaking of cars...
I'm looking to sell one. It's a 2003 Honda Civic, 5 speed. 4 door. Silver. It's got super low mileage for a car its age; a lot of years left and the little baby has been well maintained. No accidents. Minor dent on front right side. Make me an offer. Serious inquiries only!!! (And I 'm serious).

Actual vehicle not pictured. Call 540-520-1974. Price, further info. and pix available upon request.

A little more to come!

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Hasta Luego Matteo: The Matt Damon Musings / Part 6

5/12/2024

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Now we see in the above photo a very young Matt Damon. Pinskimbo and barefoot. And you clearly did not wash your feet for this; but that's not a deal breaker for some of us. The landscape behind you looks very New England, so I'm gonna hazard a guess that this was taken during the filming of School Ties. I see that your second toe appears to be longer than the big toe. Again: for some, a bonus. I wonder where I was and what I was doing at the exact moment this picture was snapped. I would definitely have been in Los Angeles, I think. Probably working some horrendous temp job. Maybe at that precise moment I was at the taco truck outside the Glendale Federal Loan File Vault building, which was quite close to the Moonlight roller rink. Have you ever been to the Moonlight Rollerway roller-skating rink? I have. Quite a bit. My friends and I used to go there when we had a Roller-Disco Jones. It must be the only roller rink in Los Angeles, because I've recognized it in numerous TV shows, movies and commercials.

And that gets me to wondering about you. Like, before you were famous. Like, what was a day in the life of Matt Damon like before he became a working actor/Movie Star? Say, for example, a typical day in 1984 (a favorite year of mine!). So, you would've been like 13ish-14ish. In eighth grade maybe or a freshman in high school. What was a typical day? What happened when you woke up in the morning? Did you live in a house? An apartment? A townhouse? Did you have siblings (I haven't looked into any of this yet)? What was the first thing you saw when you woke up? A poster on the wall? Did you share a bedroom? What did you have for breakfast before school? Did you drink coffee yet? How did you get to school? A bus? Did one of your parents drive you? Did you know Ben yet? Did you have a lot of friends at school or were you more of a loner, like me? I wonder about things like that. Do you find it hard to make friends as you get older? Do you find it easier? Is it harder to make friends because you can't be sure of people's motives; now that you're rich and famous? Is this why so many celebrities only hang out with other celebrities; like you and your new "bestie" Chris Hemsworth? I remember this song playing on WFNX in the mornings on the car radio when my mom sometimes gave me a ride to school (I commuted). She would always say: "Jesus? A turtleneck? What the hell is this all about?"

Were you into music as a young person? If so, what kind?
I wonder...
So, I'm going to try and wrap things up in this blog. I think 6 blogs about you is, maybe, more than anyone might want. Particularly you. I mean, "6" is two sets of "3" which is a magic number. I mean, I could keep going to "9," which is 3 sets of 3 (and I certainly don't have to tell you that, math genius!). And, of course, "9" is your lucky number. But then, what is "9" if not simply an upside down "6"? Speaking of numbers; let's talk about my paycheck and just be done with it. So, by my calculations, you owe me 3 installments of of $250,000.000, That's the finders fee for the Good Will Hunting sequel. The advance on the finished script. And then the consult fees for Gemini and Tiburon. Oh, and Drugs and Other Love. So, that makes $1,250,000.00. That does not include, however, the original artwork of your mouth with toothbrush, which is as of yet untitled. I think we agreed on a price of $250,000.00 for that. So, our grand total is (according to my math), a cool $1.5 million. But I'll make a deal with you. I'll throw in the artwork gratis, as a nod to our newfound friendship. You could gift it to Chris H. (he would totally get it!).

Speaking of Chris...
So, he like "chaired" the Met Gala this year? Good on ya mate! I mean, Harvey Sid does mention Leo's flair for fashion. And of course your sister-in-law, J-Lo made quite the splash in her finery. And you and your wife were there. I'm assuming you all sat together and "glamped" out. And Matt; I gotta say. Awesome tux choice. Pure old-school bonafide! None of that silly, high-fashion frippery for you my friend. Let's take a look:

Stunning. You guys stole the show with minimalism. LOVE it! Now let's talk about fur...
On second thought, let's not. We all know it's wrong. Real fur, that is. What I'm saying is that anyone who attends the MET gala is condoning the attitudes and policies of one Anna Wintour. I don't know what her current personal stance on fur is; but I believe the magazine she presides over still features numerous companies who use real animal fur. Just something to think about. Vogue seems to be trying to shift the concern to faux fur and the pollution it produces. Yes and that's not good. But we'll leave that there for now.
Can I kvetch about something real fast, before we wrap things up (and I promise, we are!)? Aren't you sick of all this bullshit about Hollywood being this like, vast conspiratorial cauldron. You know, like a hotbed of all that Pizza-Gate style craziness and Eyes Wide Shut-Anton Lavey-Black-Mass-Thrill-Kill-Sex-Cult business? Like the studios all have underground tunnels and secret rooms and shit where all this stuff supposedly goes on? Well, I don't know about you but I've never seen any of it. And I have been underground at studios. LIterally. I've been underground at Paramount Studios. And there are tunnels! And you know what's down there? Cats. Yeah, cats. Feral cats and a lot of cat shit. And old cardboard standees:

And above ground a lot of people working all day long. Working their asses off. That's all I ever saw. I mean, even if people in Hollywood wanted to have Thrill-Kill-Sex-Orgies, they're just too busy!
Remember my friend Paul, who I think looks like you--from certain angles--or maybe Brad Pitt kind of? Or more like if you and Brad Pitt had a baby. I haven't talked to him in a long time. He kind of disappeared. And he'd kill me if he knew I was posting pictures of him. He was an actor, too. Most actors enjoy and encourage pictures of themselves being displayed. He didn't. Hey, don't ask me. His body reminds me a lot of yours Matt. He had one of those God-given bodies that was nearly perfect; that he didn't have to make much of an effort to maintain. Like five minutes a week at the gym and he looked like this:

Here's a few more:

I have a friend who has supplied me with one of my all time favorite quotes: "Remember when it was our God-given right to be thin?" Paul even looked great in drag. Kind of an Ann-Margret thing happening. He turned into a completely different person too. It's kind of fascinating when a guy you know puts on women's clothes. It really is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get! But when you're a guy, Matt...(I couldn't resist)...we get a lot of this:

Senor, debe tener juevos muy grandes si necesita sentarse asi todo el tiempo!

And now your picture is going to be all over these blogs because of the weird algorithm. But I don't think anyone will mind. I know I don't! So, since we're closing this out talking about friends; here's some insight into a couple of yours.

And Ben was the example, natch! And here's another:

And finally, Mr. Hemsworth's birthday:

And that last line, I think, brings us back full circle to Billy Joel. I'm not sure what that means...but I think it means something. So, I hope you enjoyed this and I will leave you with another tune from Mr. Joel. And also leave you alone!

CFR 5/13/24

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Matt-A-Blog Part 5: Zaddy Pinskimbo!

5/9/2024

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Well, if you're still here Matt...or anyone, actually...let's continue our examination of all things Matthew Paige Damon. Oh, I decided to add an "s" to "pinkimbo"; so now it's "pinskimbo." I think this gives it more ways now to pronounce it. Or mispronounce it. Hal has informed me that you speak Spanish. I did not know this. I speak Spanish too! Or, perhaps I shoud say, I try. I had some trouble deciphering that passage from GQ Spain, but Hal tells me it says: "The Young Golden actor who became on of the biggest icons of Hollywood is still surprising us." And I love this photo because not only are you pinskimbo, you're barefoot and sitting on green velvet furniture again! Do we share this passion? Muerdes de terciopelo verde. I would love to know what you think of my Spanish pronounciation (you can leave comments below!).

Don't worry...we're almost done.
Or are we?

Matt, what are your thoughts on sharks? I kind of feel bad for them. They get harassed; not just by the idiots hunting them for their fins to make soup; but the public in general. It's like, sharks need to eat too. They need to do their job, just like everyone else. Can they help it if they're so bad-ass? Why are we so obsessed with sharks? I mean, they do look super cool. And they are pretty bad-ass. But maybe we're just projecting onto them. I mean, I would think the odds of being killed by another human (who should know better) are waaaaaay higher than being killed by a shark. Or even like, grazed by a shark. I mean what are the odds? Let's ask Hal. Or, should I say "Sim"? I like Sim better (it stands for Super-Intelligence-Manifold, from our space opera flick, 'memba?). So, Sim says that the chances of being attacked/killed by a shark are 1 in 3.75 million. So, you're more likely to be struck by lightning than killed by a shark. That being said; the popularity of sharks in the world of entertainment seems only to be growing. So how can we get you in on the whole "Shark Thing"? Well, let's brainstorm. So far we've had regular old sharks. Super-intelligent sharks. Pre-historice sharks--
Time for a Jason Statham break!

I really think you and Jason should do a collab. Oh, asterisk reminder! I asterisked an X earlier in one of these blogs. My question is this: how am I supposed to now interpret this letter? For example. The title of the movie Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire. How are we supposed to verbally express this? Like, "Godzilla (Times) Kong"? You're the math whiz; so I'll put it to you. Are they (and they being the marketing team at Warner Bros.) asking us to multiply Godzilla by King Kong? How would that even be possible? I mean, like, are they implying that Godzilla and King Kong should mate? I mean, they are apparently both capable of producing off-spring. Godzilla had a "son" back in the day; and I'm pretty sure King Kong has a kid in the latest movie. I didn't see it, but I did see the trailer several times, which featured an adorable Baby Kong. How did King Kong have a baby? How did Godzilla have a baby for that matter? I want answers Matt!

Do you remember Creature Double Feature on Channel 56 back in the day? They used to play all those cheezy Japanese monster movies.

So many great memories from the numerous afternoons spent laying on the sofa, absorbing this stuff. Who could forget this?

But let's get back on track.
So, Shark Projects. Yes, we've certainly run the gamut of shark scenarios. Why did we never get a Land Shark movie from the SNL factory?

Probably because you couldn't really sustain that idea beyond a sketch? But how about this angle: THE SUPERNATURAL. This time, our shark is a spirit of some kind, from beyond. There are lots of legends about sharks as demons and gods and so on. Or, if instead of the supernatural we went with something like, Big Foot. Except it's a race of shark people whose territory is being encroached upon. You know, the cryptozoology angle. You would play an Interpol special agent, based on Ibiza or some other island. Matt, you would play Detective Alonzo "Al" Tiburon, who grew up in the Balearic Islands. Your family has a mysterious history; and when a rash of bizarre murders that bear a striking resemblance to shark attacks, that occur on land; it's up to you and your skeptical, irrascible, rumpled yet golden-hearted former partner (you have to drag him out of retirement) to solve the cases. This could be a stand alone movie or a high-end "limited series." Your partner would be played by Jason Statham (collab!). And he's playing a Frenchman. Yes. Because I want to challenge Jason to something other than what he's been doing in every single movie he's ever made. Not only is he French and all those other things; he's a former night-club performer, with a joie de vivre he tries to hide but simply can't when he has champagne or sees a plate of fromage. Or an attractive person of any sex. He's polyamorous. Also, pansexual. I mean, why not? His character is Agent Special Pierre Dauphin. Your character is deaf and navigates the world via sonar. Why not? You were subjected to mysterious experiments as a child; by your father, who was kind of a dark Jacques Cousteau type. You met Pierre in boarding school in Switzerland, which will afford all kinds of flashback stuff. The show is called TIBURON, natch.

How'd Mahky-Mahk get in there?

We've just got a few more things to go over and then I'll let you go. First, let's talk donuts! So, it seems Ben has dragged you into the world of donuts. Particularly Dunkin' Donuts, a Massachusetts brand which has gone, geez, I guess it's probably global now. I mean, I've lived in the Roanoke area for a long time and there were no Dunkins. There apparently was one, a long time ago, because I could recognize the architecture of the building, which had been repurposed. And also, make out the faded ghost sign of the original sign, which had been removed. I will readily admit I LOVE Dunkins coffee. It's the best coffee out there. Period. I know it. Ben knows it. J-Lo knows it. Chris Hemsworth knows it. Harvey Sid Fisher knows it and I'm guessing you know it. So I was bummed that we didn't have any. Then, about three or so years ago, all of a sudden, like a half dozen of them went up over night. Even in Vinton, the town I reside in. My husband loves their food-stuffs. Southerners in general love breakast food. The carbier, the gravier, the porkier, the hammier, the baconier the better! However, finding healthy food on their menu is next to impossible. Which brings us to the Dunkin Skewer; a drink that features integrated donut pieces. I don't have to explain it to you Matt, because we all saw you try one on national TV, at the behest of your best friend.

You tried it but it was hard to tell if you liked it from your reaction. But, you did endorse it. And with that endorsement comes a responsibility. What is the nutrition information on this "drink" and the other items from the Dunkings menu? I think it behooves you Matt to disclose this. But how about endorsing Dunkins "healthy" menu? I mean, there sort of is one...

Perhaps you and Ben could put your heads together and collab with Dunkin's and come up with more items for the "healthy" offerings. For example: The Big Ben LTL. That's like a BLT, except you replace the lettuce with more lettuce! Matt's Flatt Wraps. This a line of panini like sandwiches filled with healthy choices like kale and turkey and egg whites and stuff like that. Of course, you would brainstorm with the finest chefs to come up with the menu. Otherwise, if you're going to "introduce" stuff like the Dunkin Skewer, you might as well go all in and do some Dunkin' branded smokes.

Now here's a ground floor opportunity. Two words: KANE'S DONUTS. Kane's is a donut brand that started in my hometown of Saugus. Speaking of cigarettes; back in the day, their donuts actually tasted like cigarettes because they allowed smoking in their small dining room. I can remember going in there on Sundays after mass at Blessed Sacrament to get a dozen "dones" for the fam and getting lost finding the counter due to the thick fog of Pall Mall, Chesterfield and Marlboro Red smog. But people swore by them.

They've started to expand in the past couple of years, opening a downtown Boston location and a second Saugus location (right by the Big Orange Dinosaur!). I'm telling you, they're going to be BIG! It's a hot tip boys!
So, I'm going to wrap this installment up now and I promise, the next will be the last.
Ciao.
Chris

CFR 5/12/24

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Mattie/Zaddy? Part 4

5/8/2024

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I mentioned earlier, Matthew, your propensity for the "man-spread." I don't know...I find the term a bit on the crude side. But then, "spread-eagled" isn't much better, is it? And just what do eagles have to do with it, in this context, I mean? Spread-legged and man-sitting aren't much better (and kind of dirty!). Splay-legged is a bit too clinical. How about, legs akimbo. Or gams akimbo. Or how about we make up fanciul new word? How about "pins" plus "akimbo" and we get: pinkimbo. I like it! Wait. I don't just like it. I love it! Wrap it up and ship it! Now in the above three photos, we can see the reverse take on pinkimbo. Legs crossed. And crossed at the knee. I also love the knee cross; but you know, and this is truly sad, there are actually men out there who find this too feminine and won't do it. Isn't that like, stupid? But it's nice to see that you have no qualms about it. You also seem to have no problem showing your feet.
Let me clarify here. Much like my astrological leanings; there are those who might assume that because I discuss feet more so than probably the average person, that I must be some kind of FOOT FREAK. Or foot fetishist, at the very least. Let's just say I'm a foot afficionado. I mean, it's not like I went out and made an entire website about people's feet (you're on there, by the way)! But Hal just slid this photo across my desk:

Hal knows all. He knows that your shoe size is an 11, as you volunteered this info somewhere. And that your friend Ben's dogs are a size 13! Don't let Taylor Swift find out! So, when I saw Air (which I loved, BTW); I noticed Ben's feet. How could I not? They're featured in numerous scenes and even get CLOSE-UPs, if I'm not mistaken. I recall thinking that Ben's feet were quite attractive. You know, sometimes, when you get past the size 11 mark, for men anyways, the foot/feet can have real problems maintaining their aesthetic appeal. The struggle is real. But Ben seems to have stepped over the issue (see what I did there?). He's a Leo. And as Mr. Fisher sings, re: Leo: "...everything about me is right!"
So, I wonder about things like this. Did Ben take special care for his feet scenes? Like, did he have a specialist come in and pedi-polish them to perfection; or did he like, just take some extra care in the shower on filming days so he didn't have grubby feet? Is there any professional jealousy when it comes to you and Ben's feet? Like, say, are you a little jealous that he has really big feet that are still "pretty"? Is he jealous of your more manageable 11s? Do you kid each other about your feet. Do either of you have ticklish feet? When you think about it, are there ANY humans who don't have ticklish feet? Do you ever think about this? Did you know there's an entire sub-genre of Adult Entertainment that features feet tickling?

This dude looks like he's having fun; but is he? I don't know about you, but I find being tickled a kind of torture; which, I suppose in the above scenario is the point. I hope he's getting a nice paycheck! And now we all have a new use for our electric toothbrushes! Based on that tattoo, I'm guessing he's a Scorpio. Cue Harvey Sid!!!

I'm sorry, I've gotten a little off track. And as far as tickling videos go; the most fascinating thing I find about them is hearing a persons untempered laughter. It's something a lot of us suppress. But let's tip-toe through the tulips back to you Matt. So, here's what one scribe has to say about the meaning of your name. As a matter of fact, they used you as the example!

From, The Secret Universe of Names by Roy Feinson

I had a major crush on not one, but two Matts in my life. One of them worked in that video store on Mass Ave. that I mentioned earlier and one of them is a poet. Neither one actually reciprocated these romantic longings; but I'm happy to report I remain Facebook friends with at least one of them! In fact, one of them is something of a public figure. Let's take a look!

So, if you ever need a DJ/Poet, Matt is your man! The other Matt was this fellow:

So dreamy! And then, there were these two guys that I also worked with at Action Video. Neither was named Matt; but they were both super sweet; and the one with the glasses had actually been a child actor and had appeared in an episode of Little House on the Prairie which he played for us one day. He was really good. I think I cried (and I hated that show!). Good times.

I found this picture of you Matt, sitting in a chartreuse velvet chair. I love chartreuse velvet! I mean, who doesn't, right?

And here we have the insouciant "cross at the ankle" position. A straight guy "go-to." Do you recall the super-abundance of chartreuse velvet chairs and throw pillows in the 70's and 80's? They were everywhere! "Crushed velvet" was all the rage.

I would love a chartreuse, crushed-velvet, single-breasted, top-coat. It would have to be done just right though. Otherwise, you might look a little Huggy-Bearish. Come to think of it, you really don't see men's top-coats done in velvet. Sports jackets and smoking jackets and robes; but I'm talking like, a trench coat. And it has to be the exact fabric of that chair you're sitting in.
Oh! Remember that friend of mine that I think you kind of look like? Well here's one of those weird coincidences. One day, back in the early 2000's, I came across this picture in the paper and it reminded me of something. Something I quite couldn't place. So I clipped it out of the paper. Here it is:

You must've been at this event, Matt; seeing as you were in the movie. Much later, I was looking at some old photos and then it clicked! It reminded me of this photo:

I knew it reminded me of something. And I knew it had to have some kind of meaning. And now, I think that meaning is here in this blog. And the nexus point is you. Or maybe Brad Pitt. But this is getting a little long again (that's what she said!); so this is actually going to go on to a fifth, read 'em, FIFTH blog. You're setting some kind of record Matt!
Ciao for now.
Chris

CFR 5/9/24

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Mattie, Are You a Zaddy? Part 3

5/5/2024

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I guess this is the part where I'm supposed to post all sorts of provocative pictures of you in various states of undress; but I don't feel like it. I do think, that despite whatever mixed feelings you have/had about walking on the wild side (read: gay); you were not averse to working that "boy-toy" vibe early in your career. I mean, you gave full on butt for School Ties. And I say, good on yah! Smoke 'em if you've got 'em, baby!

I do, however, find it amusing that one of your "go-to" poses is the classic "man-spread." There is no dearth of these of you through the years.

Tootsie bonus!

Ya know, you look an awful lot like a friend of mine from back in the day. I took a lot of pictures of him. Let's take a look!

Speaking of back in the day...
I was thinking about this. I'm sure you've never thought about this; seeing as you don't know me. But I bet our paths crossed in the past. I mean, when I was in college at B.U., you were in high school in Cambridge, right across the Charles. For four years.

And then, I got even closer when I worked across the river in Cambridge at a couple of establishments. One was Action Video, which was on Mass Ave. in Central Square. It's not there anymore, of course. I worked there in like the summer of 1990. There was a pizza place on the same block. Like on the west side of the street. Or would that be the South side? I got the job there because the place I'd been working at since '88 had closed. Perhaps you remember it. It was a bar called The Paradise and it was at 180 Mass Ave. Here's how it looks today:

You probably were never actually inside; but you must remember this sign:

It was like, literally, across the street from MIT. And right next door to the Necco candy factory. Surely you remember that! The air smelled like candy on that block and you could somtimes tell what they were making. Do/did you like Necco wafers? Me. Not a fan. Kind of like eating candied poker chips. Blecch!

Or, maybe you were inside. I mean, maybe you scouted it for a location at some point for some thing. It was open and active as a club for the love that dare not speak its name at least until 2018. I mean, I'm guessing that even if you had wanted to go, your career after 1997 would've put the kibosh on any kind of "incognito" attempt. No anonymity. You know, research for a role, that kind of thing. Although, the Paradise wasn't necessarily "gay" during the day, back in the day. When I worked there, there was an oil portrait of an older woman in a pink waitress outfit. She kind of looked like the lady from the cover of the Breakfast in America LP:

She was somewhat before my time there. Her name was Annie and from what I recall, she was a waitress there during the day; as they served food; and the clientele was mostly working men (who, I think we can assume were not there for the love that dare not speak its name). I'm guessing the Necco factory has a lot of working men in, around and about it. Maybe some working gals too. She became one of those beloved local figures who got awards and such. I mean, I doubt she herself commissioned that portrait painting. Another friend from back in the day found this for me:

That's definitely her. But I have no idea what the story of this picture is. But you know there's a story!
And who knows? Maybe one summer you worked at the Necco factroy and had lunch there with your fellow working men (and women) and had no idea that people went there at night, seeking the love that dare not speak it's name. And you know I'm talking about same sex love, right Matt? Just so we're all on the same page. Speaking of same sex love; and while we're on the subject. I just gotta ask. Why Mykonos? Why did you go on a vacation to one of the gayest places on Earth? I mean, outside of the Disney commissary in Burbank at lunchtime? Why were Chris and Liam Hemsworth there? Hal just informed me that you told Ellen you went "glamping" with Chris Hemsworth. I'm starting to think you and Chris should do a Challengers-esque flick now.

MOVIE IDEA!
Set in the exciting world of pickle ball, Competitors unfurls the sweat drenched story of Kurt Vandekamp and Avi Frieberger, two up and coming stars of the pickle ball world. Kurt and Avi meet at pickle ball camp and the story picks up as they traverse the trials and travails of the professional pickle ball tournament landscape. Under the tutelage of their coaches, Jack "Jackie" Jackson (that would be you, Matt) and Phillip "Phil" Phillipson (Chris Hemsworth, natch) the pair make their way to the PPA, The Pro Pickleball Tour. Kurt and Avi vie for the affections of Jack's daughter, Marissa; a no nonsense knock-out who knows how to put a nose or two to the grindstone and a pickle or three to the paddle. Meanwhile, Phil's wife is tragically taken from the world in a hay-baling accident during a Halloween hay-ride. Seeking solace in the arm's of his long-time friend and sometimes rival, Jack; the two men find themselves fighting feelings for one another they've surpressed since their days at Yale School of Drama. Yes, Jack is also a playwright and his new play, I Think I'm In Love With My Best Friend and Rival (Who's Name Is Definitely NOT Phil) which has it's premiere at the pickle ball camp he runs, has a lot of people asking questions; not least of which will be the audience!
Will Marissa be forced to choose between Kurt and Avi or will she choose both? Or neither? Will Phil realize Jack's play is about him? What will happen if he does? I mean, that is, if he goes to see it; because plays are not really his "thing." Will he succumb to his unspoken yearnings? And what of his unspoken urges. Not to mention his unutterable impulses. Who will take home the pickle ball trophy? Find out from your courtside seat at Competitors!

Well, you know, Chirs Hemsworth is a Leo. You have a lot of Leo's in your life Matt. Ben. J-Lo (I mean, I imagine she's in your life a lot, simply by default). Your wife. Libra's are attracted to fire signs. But before we get into that, let's see what Harvey Sid Fisher has to say about Leos!

You know Matt, I mention astrology and astrological signs in my blogs more than I might care to admit. I mean, it's not like I'm into astrology, or anything. I mean, I could care less about my daily horoscope. I have no interest in fortune telling, whether that be via mediums, crystal balls, tarot cards (especially tarot cards), Ouija boards (no thanks!), tea leaves, palm reading, The Farmer's Almanac, Nostradamus, Weekly World News' Year End predictions or even Magic 8 balls (where's the evil Magic 8 ball movie? Get on that Matt and Ben!).

And "normal" people tend to look down on anyone that has interest in the Cosmological, right? Who needs that stigma? Or stigmata? But I do find the personality aspect of astrology quite fascinating, and yes, I'll admit it: uncanny. Like, why do you have all those Leos in your life? Not just in it; but up close and personal. Why did my only three friends back during school days all have the sign of Sagitarrius, like me? I mean, the odds have to be astrological! Oh, I mean, astronomical. Why do I, a Sagitarrius whose "balancing sign" is Gemini, have Geminis coming out my ears in my own life? I'm talking like, my mother and my two brothers. I also am extremely intrigued by the cosmology surrounding days of birth and names. Like first names. So let's just get this over in one fell swoop and meet back here in an hour or so!

Sigourney Weaver! Noice!

There's another book I have to go find; so, I guess this isn't over yet. We're going into overtime Matt! So I'll see you in Part 4!!!

OMG...if you add up all those numbers you get 9. Your lucky number Matt!

CFR 5/7/24

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