If you'd like a stroll down foot fetish lane, you've come to the right blog!
Now, let me just say, upfront, that I am not a foot fetishist.  But I won't lie and say that I don't find the foot erotic to a certain degree, in certain situations.  Let's examine this, shall we?
I certainly like to draw the foot.  It's an artistic challenge.  The foot has very unusual architecture.  Lots of interesting counter-balancing curves, reminiscent of the double-helix.  They're hard to get right in a drawing; and if you get it wrong, the eye knows.
But let's back-pedal here and ask the question: "Chris, why are you writing a blog about feet and foot fetishism?  Isn't the foot, just a foot, to most people?"  And I would answer: "Well...yes and no."
But before I talk about feet in general; let's talk about foot fetishism. Or not.  How about, simply, interest in the foot; or feet.  I'm sure there are fetishes for every part of the human body; but I suspect nothing supplants the foot as fetish object numero uno.  Just type in "foot fetish" on your search engine and you will open a wormhole into another universe: FOOTOPIA (TM/Reg./Pat.Pend.).  As a matter of fact, there is a website called "Wiki-Feet" which includes an exhaustive compendium of "celebrity" feet; both male and female.  Wanna see pictures of Jimmy Fallon's feet?  Just log on to Wiki-Feet and you'll find every image of Jimmy's tootsies in existence. Or Jimmy Kimmel's. Or Jimmy Buffett's.
So, I asked my husband to give me a list of names of male celebs whose feet he or anyone might want to see.  His responses: 
Sam Elliott
Sam Rockwell
Keanu Reeves
Henry Golding
Barack Obama
My adds were:
Javier Bardem
Michael Strahan 
and
Scarlet Johansson 
So let's play a game!  I'll post pix of the above listed feet and you can try and guess whose is whose. Who's is who's?

As I've been doing research into this topic; I came across some interesting articles. 'Frinstance, the whole "humble brag/ foot post" phenomenon of the past ten years or so.  You know; when someone you know posts pictures of their feet at the beach, say.  Or in a hotel room.  Or wherever they are that's fabulous, that you're not.​

I've always loved this song; but I digress.
You know, one of these type photos that you'll more than likely see in your Facebook feed or whatever:

Like, why do you feel the need to tell me you're in Hawaii?  Can't you just enjoy Hawaii without involving your feet?  And why do you think, Facebook barely acquaintance, that I would want to see your feet?  I hardly know you!  I don't want to see your feet by the pool, let alone pictures of your foot injury/bunions/warts/calluses/new pedicure...whatever!  Get your feet, out my face.
In an article by a Mr. Oscar Miller from Sept. 2020 on "The Strand"; entitled: "Why We Love Feet: A Psychological Analysis of the Rise of "Feet Pics" in the Online World"; Mr. Milller has some fascinating and compelling theories on why this is occurring.  An excerpt:

I wholeheartedly agree with Mr. Miller.  The human foot is a symbol for stability and we all need to feel that in our lives.  I think that's why the foot is more of an object of fascination, in general, than any other part of the body.  They're also the farthest away, right.  I mean, you can just put your hand up to your face to look at it; but the foot requires more engineering to get up close to it.
Men are generally much more shy about displaying their feet than women.  I've often wondered why.  I think it's because for men, feet resemble their most private area; so showing feet for men, in a way, is like going around with your tackle hanging out.  I postulated on this in my novel.  An excerpt:

I suppose we must ask the question why, it seems, that people with the least attractive feet are usually the first to put on sandals and go to the mall.

We might also ask how feet became involved in Halloween.  Do you ever wonder how many people's feet actually get smelled on Halloween night?  I'd guess a lot more than you'd think.  And is this smelling of the feet the "trick" or the "treat."  This is where it gets tricky.  And what's up with the phenomenon of smelly feet?  You never meet people with smelly hands, generally.  Is it because we keep the foot cooped up in shoes and socks?  I guess so.
But alas...I'm losing my train of thought...I'm still not quite sure of the reasons for writing this.  I mean, it's not like I'm writing foot fetish erotica, of which there is an entire rabbit hole devoted to it.  Author Matt Robinson has an entire line of gay male feetrotica.  Title's like: Smelling My Best Friend's Feet and Craving the Fisherman's Feet.  All available on Amazon!  Craving the Fisherman's Feet has got to be one of the best titles of anything, anywhere, ever written in the history of the world.  Why, it's even better than Lifetime Television's Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?  It kind of sounds like the title to a Faulkner novel.  In any event, I'm sure it's a salty tale!
I guess that wraps it up.  Oh!  Here are the answers to the quiz:

Top Row (L-R): Henry Golding, Javier Bardem, Keanu Reeves
Middle Row (L-R) Michael Strahan, Sam Elliott, Sam Rockwell
Bottom Row (L-R) ScarJo, Obama
​
Okay, I gotta go cut my toenails now.  Ciao!

CFR  9/7/23

So Chris, do you think anyone but you reads these blog entries?
Yeah.  I mean, I've gotten a couple of comments; so at least one soul out there is reading.  Also, the Weebly statistics page assures me that I have lots of visitors and page views.  Not in the millions or anything; but more than zero.

What are you doing right now, in your life, that is?
Well, I'm in a local version of Oliver!

Who are you playing?
Oliver!(!).  No, just kidding.  I'm playing "Dr. Grimwig," "Bar Patron," and "Man on Bridge."  We open tomorrow night!

Is this some kind of "Bio-Feedback"?
I guess so.

Don't you think that picture above is a little out of focus; like you're attempting to obscure the lines on your face via blur? I mean, is this a blog; or a Plexaderm commercial?
Well, that wasn't my intention.  I'll post another one:

It's "fairly" recent...right before Covid.  Chanel West Coast was so right when she said bathrooms have the best lighting; and it really is ALL ABOUT the lighting.  That's a Howard Johnson's Motor Lodge bathroom and I have to say, the orange really makes your skin look great.  Just ask Van Gogh!  Right now I have longish hair and beard down to the bottom of my neck.  I think I'll do one of those "no make-up" portraits, you know, like Jennifer Aniston is always doing.
After this play, that is, as I'm also a "Bearded Lady" during one of the numbers in Oliver!

Speaking of Oliver!; are you excited about tonight?
No. I never get excited about opening night.  Trepidation comes to mind.  I'll get excited once the kinks are ironed out.
Like my dancing.  Or should I say, "non-dancing."  Here's a simple step from the show that I still have yet to master:

​So, you opened last night.  How did it go?
It actually went really well.  Even my dance bit was not too bad.  We're wearing mics for this, and of course, mine fell off into the depths of my costume; but I was able to fix the problem.  This show has had some problems with people forgetting lines, but we got through that.  My least favorite number is "Consider Yourself."  It goes on for like ten minutes, which is an eternity.  And the lyrics are repetitive.  But they are put in different order throughout the song so it's like having to memorize an epic poem.  "Oh, wait...am I supposed to sing "Well in" here; or "one of the family."  But I'm not the only one having the problem.

So, what are you obsessing about lately?
The Maui fire.  I just couldn't understand how a lush, tropical island could go up in flames.  But then I read that huge areas around the town were once sugar cane fields and when the sugar company pulled out, non-native grasses were planted and never managed.  The dry grasses turned into a perfect inferno.  Why were the grasses allowed to proliferate?  They knew this could happen.  And now it has.  Mankind is really stupid.  I mean we can build robots now; but we can't replant the right grass on an island?

Well, that's kind of depressing.  What can we think of that's a little more optimistic?
I have an idea for a sitcom that I want to write and I was re-reading the opening of a novel I started about a year ago.
I think it's pretty good.  I'll often start something and put it on the back-burner and then something else will come along.  The something else gets finished and the back-burner never comes back to the front burner.  But I think this "back burner" project is something I could get into.  It's kind of a Sylvia Plath journey where a young woman falls in love with a Greek sponge diver.  That's all I can say right now.

​So, what are you watching on TV right now?
Only Murders In the Building (Martin Short, consistently amusing, Meryl Streep (can do no wrong), Steve Martin: would it kill you to do some full frontal?  General Hospital (doing a man adapting to a wheelchair story line; hmmmmmm).  Any new (for me) Seinfeld episodes I can find on Comedy Central on Wednesdays.  A Closer Look reruns.

Did you Barbieheimer?
Sort of.  Saw Barbie one weekend and then Oppenheimer the next.
What did you think?
Well, they both had their moments; but, why did they feel the need to turn Barbie into a gender-politics lecture?  And why didn't Oppenheimer have a "take your breath away" moment with the bomb going off?  It was all that build-up and then the fuse kind of fizzled.  I feel no need to see either one, ever again.

How's the OCD bout going?  The one that started just about a year ago?
It's dissipated quite a bit.  I'm taking a supplement called Ashwagandha and it really helps, overall.

Any other questions?
Ah, none that I can think of right now.

Okay. Ciao!
Ciao!

​CFR  8/18/23

So, here it is.  The final script of HEARTFIGHT.  When I proposed this project last November, I was sure I would finish it. There's just one teensy problem.  It's 300 pages long!  That would make for a five hour movie.  Or two, two and a half hour movies.  Which is feasible.  Many recent films have been split into two parts; but they were usually the franchise finales.  Why is HEARTFIGHT 300 pages long?  I really don't know.  I mean, I knew it was going to be a wee bit on the longer side...but 300 pages?  Actually, for that length, I think narratively it hangs pretty tight.  But perhaps this material might lend itself better, at this point, to TV series.  A limited one, with five pre-written episodes.  Or maybe an ongoing one?  This story does have a bit of the soap-opera vibe going on; which to me is a good thing (even though critics are always putting down "soap-opera-ishness").  But what is the Rocky saga if not an ongoing soap set in the world of boxing?  And people LOVE it!
And please don't misconstrue that length.  I'm not saying my storytelling is so great that it needs 300 pages to be told.  I think, perhaps, maybe this wanted to be a novel all along?  Who knows.  In any event...
​Here is the finished script.
Oh, here's something that I learned.  I...use...ellipses...waaaaaaay too much--and dashes--so; I cleaned up a lot of those.  They're still in there, but now with 75% less!
​Hope you enjoy.

CFR  8/6/23

About a year ago, you may recall, I put out a blog entry entitled "If You See Something, Say Something."  Oh, it was a delightful little spoof! Of game shows. Of celebrities. Of Tina Fey. Of Intellectual Property Theft. Of the little guy speaking truth to the corporate Goliath (yeah, I'm talking about you Uncle Walt!). Of lost coffee shops of days gone by.
So, in the blog, I was hosting a game-show called "Is This A Coincidence?"  On the gameshow in the blog, a panel of celebrities (a hologram of Joan Crawford, A Tina Fey impersonator, and an Astral Projected Walt Disney cryo-head) had to determine if "evidence" I showed them of what I considered to be "appropriation of material" (namely, mine), was either that; or coincidence.
A la The Price is Right, this game-show had a spokes-model in the form of one Ann Reinking.  I posted a clip of her and Leland Palmer and Erzsebet Foldi doing a number from the hospital scene from 1979's All That Jazz, Bob Fosse's movie masterpiece, more or less loosely based on his life.  Here is the "hallucination" scene in it's entirety:

​So why did I choose a scene from All That Jazz? Who knows.  I don't know why what comes into my head comes into my head.  But I do know that the movie is very special to me.  Very influential.  I remember the who, what, when and where of going to see it.  It was probably Spring or early Summer of 1980. I saw it with my cousin Kelly.  I don't know why we picked it.  This was a period when my interest in movies was morphing into an interest in Cinema.  I had read the reviews of All That Jazz and was intrigued.  I had no idea who Bob Fosse was when I was fourteen years old.  Interestingly, it was he, of course, who directed Cabaret, which I saw at the Camp LeJeune drive-in movie when I was about seven.  I remember that experience too.  I was riveted to every frame of that very "grown-up" movie.  It was speaking to parts of me that I didn't even know I had yet.  My gay self was responding to Bob Fosse's aesthetic and world-view on a molecular level. 
So, when I saw the pre-publicity for season 3 of Only Murders in the Building, I was not surprised at all by the Fosse imagery.  In particular the super-glossy Fosse (TM/Reg./Pat Pend) look of ATJ. Interestingly, that IP is now...sigh...Disney property, as it was a 20th Century Fox film (that clip will probably disappear pretty quick).  So, here's what I have to say to Uncle Walt.  "Hey, you, Uncle Walt.  Since you're so interested in turning your IP into remakes and Broadway shows, how about a stage musical version of All That Jazz on the Great White Way?  I mean Walt, it's a no-brainer.  It's already got most of the numbers done for you.  And then of course, you could squeeze even more money out of it with a movie version of the Broadway musical version of a movie that was about the making of....I'm getting dizzy.  I mean, hey, it would be way more interesting and original than say, a musical version of Lady and the Tramp.

Please God...no.

So, without further ado, it's time for another episode of "Is This A Coincidence?"
AUDIENCE shouting in unison:
"IS...THIS...A...COINCIDENCE?!!?"
MUSIC CUE:
Esquivel's "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"

As Ann Reinking dances:

Your host, Mr. Chris trots out onto the stage, beaming merrily, as the AUDIENCE APPLAUDS WILDY.
MR. CHRIS
Hello one and all of you out there in Streaming Media Land! (TM/Reg./Pat.Pend.)
MORE WILD APPLAUSE
Mr. Chris
Welcome once again to another episode of Is This a Coincidence? The game-show where you, the audience, decides the outcome of the game!  So lets meet our panel of judges.  Please put your hands together for The Queen of Hollywood...Miss Bette Davis!
​A curtain parts and Bette Davis marches out and waves.  The audience CHEERS.
BETTE
(Singing) I've written a letter to Daddy...Come on everyone, sing it with me...his address is heaven above!  Instead of a stamp I put kisses--
The curtain starts moving and Joan Crawford storms out, waving her arms in the air.  
JOAN
​Hold it!  Stop this!  Halt!
The SINGING stops.
BETTE
Oh, Christ.  Not you.
MR. CHRIS
Please welcome our second judge, The Poobah of Pepsi-Co: Miss Joan Crawford.
WILD APPLAUSE
JOAN
Thank you Chris; but I feel I must clear up a slight bit of mis-information.
MR. CHRIS
By all means!
JOAN
I'm afraid Bette is decidedly not the "Queen" of Hollywood.
BETTE
Oh, I suppose that would be you, of course?
JOAN
Well, if not me, then my former mother-in-law; Mary Pickford.
BETTE
You never miss a chance to drop a name, do you?
JOAN
Well, she was.
BETTE
Let's just skip it.
Bette goes to her seat at the panel desk as Joan raises her hands.
JOAN
You may applaud me now...
There is WILD APPLAUSE. Joan takes a bow and goes to her chair next to Bette and sits.
JOAN
(Dabbing at tears) I never knew there was so much love!
BETTE
Joan, you've known more love than the Kinsey Institute.
JOAN
(Ignoring her) Chris, you'll be happy to know that I did not bring any Pepsi today. You know, because of what happened last time.
BETTE
Well, I've installed a Royal Crown cola machine in the lobby.  It's free audience, so help yourself--
The audience is already stampeding out of the auditorium.

BETTE
You know Joan, RC is best...by taste test.
They blow cigarette smoke at one another.
CHRIS
Okay, let's bring out our next judge.  You know her as The Queen of Broadway; Miss Helen Lawson  and she's going to sing for us!
WILD APPLAUSE

MR. CHRIS
That was boffo!  We're all madly in love!
HELEN
You bet your ass you are!
She goes to her seat at the panel.
JOAN
Wait a minute.  You're Susan Hayward.
HELEN
I'm Helen Lawson!  That's me, baby, remember?
BETTE
I'm confused.
MR. CHRIS
Actually, this is a projection of the character of Helen Lawson that Susan Hayward played in the movie, Valley of the Dolls; in which she replaced Judy Garland who was playing a character that was supposed to be Ethel Merman--
JOAN
Thanks for clearing that up Chris.
BETTE
Am I a projection?
MR. CHRIS
No Bette.   But Joan is a hologram.
BETTE
Then I must be a ghost.
JOAN
Try witch.
MR. CHRIS
Our next guest needs no introduction.  Let's put our hands together for Mr. Ed Grimley!
WILD APPLAUSE as Ed Grimley comes out and does a little dance and then takes his seat.
ED
Oh, I must say; I'm so very honored to be here; I must say!  I'm going mental!
MR. CHRIS
​Ed, we can't use that word anymore.
ED
Oh, please accept my apologies Mr. Sajak, sir!  I'm so sorry, I must say!  I'm so honored to be on Wheel of Fortune, it's the most major game show of all time, I must say!
MR. CHRIS
​And finally...you know him, you love him, you know you wanna do him but you're not sure why: Mr. Steve Martin! Steve Martin comes out wearing a white suit.  He has a toy arrow through his head and a banjo.  He plucks at the banjo strings.
STEVE
(Singing) Grandpa, bought a rubber!
BETTE
How are these men celebrities?
MR. CHRIS
They're both comedians of world renown!
JOAN
Are they intellectually disabled?
MR. CHRIS
They have a combined IQ of 152!  Of course, 142 of that is Steve.
BETTE
Could've fooled me.

MR. CHRIS
And finally; we're so happy to have her back...Ms. Teena Fay!
WILD APPLAUSE
Teena comes out in a go-go outfit and does a go-go dance with Ann Reinking.  Ed Grimley, unable to contain himself, leaps up and joins them.
TEENA
​All right; that's enough. 
The MUSIC cuts out but Ed keeps dancing.
TEENA
I won't be judging this time.  I'm just here to supply caustic asides and droll quips.
MR. CHRIS
I wouldn't expect anything less!  Now, if Ed will kindly stop dancing and take his seat, we can begin!
ED
I'm just a born twinkle toes, if you must know!  I like to sing, I like to dance, and I love Wheat Thins; quite a lot, I must say!
Ed returns to his seat.
JOAN
(Putting another cigarette to her lips; to Steve) Do you mind if I smoke?
STEVE
No.  Do you mind if I fart?
BETTE
Now that's comedy.
MR. CHRIS
Okay, let's get started--
BETTE
But what about the audience?  They're still in the lobby.
TEENA
​Chris doesn't really need an audience for this. Or contestants. Or prizes.
HELEN LAWSON
Or dignity. And it takes real dignity to walk away from a Helen Lawson show, baby.
CHRIS
Alrighty then.  Ann, if you would be so kind.
Ann dances over to a stand, from which she picks up a remote control device.  She Fosse flicks (TM/Reg./Pat.Pend) the remote and a screen lowers.
CHRIS
As you may recall, on our last show, Ann and company did a little opening number.  Let's watch the clip.
Ann Fosse-flicks again and the footage rolls.

BETTE
I don't understand.  Why are they in a hospital?
CHRIS
Well, you see Bob Fosse had heart problems and Roy Scheider is playing him; except the character's name is Joe Gideon; who's really Bob Fosse and Ann is playing Katie, Joe's girlfriend who Ann really was in real life; Bob Fosse's, that is.  And Ann's, of course.
JOAN
Thanks for clearing that up, Chris.
BETTE
What is the point of all this?
TEENA
Chris thinks he's being ripped off by everybody in Hollywood, including the showrunners of Only Murders In the Building.
BETTE
"Ripped off"?
JOAN
Borrowed from?  Inspiring of?
BETTE
Well, if we're talking about Hollywood, then you mean "stolen from."
HELEN
Look Chris, they drummed you right out of Hollywood.  Soooooo, you come crawling back to Broadway.  Well, Broadway doesn't go for booze and dope!
STEVE
Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse, me!
ED
Pat, I'd like to spin.  Oh, I hope I don't lose a turn or go...oh no...bankrupt! That would be most unpleasant I must say!
BETTE
So, let me get this straight, so to speak.  You showed a clip of Miss Reinking doing a classic Fosse number, yes?  And then...
MR. CHRIS
And then Only Murders not only recreated this number; but built most of their pre-publicity around it.
HELEN
I kicked him out of my show, baby.  Couldn't keep it in his pants.
BETTE
But, is not referencing Mr. Fosse old hat by now, so to speak?
TEENA
Sure.  He's embedded in the culture; but come on.  What are they odds?  I don't think this could be "co" -incidence. I just think it's incidence.
MR. CHRIS
You like me!  You really like me!
TEENA
Don't push it, Chris.
JOAN
Well, it seems that Uncle Walt may be winkingly acknowledging your calling him to the carpet.
BETTE
Or giving you the finger.
MR. CHRIS
Well, let's take a look at this clip from Season 3, Episode 2 of OMITB:

JOAN
And what is the significance of this, Chris?
MR. CHRIS
Well, over the past year, I've been posting installments of my original screenplay: Heartfight.
BETTE
What's it about?
MR. CHRIS
Two men who fight with sticks in a giant wind-tunnel and fall in love.
BETTE
Okay. I'll give it points for originality.  But the connection, in this case, escapes me.
JOAN
Well it doesn't escape me.  I read it; and I have to ask: why is it three-hundred pages long?
MR. CHRIS
I got a little carried away.
HELEN
The show just needs a little doctorin', that's all.
ED
I'd like to buy a vowel.  That would be really decent if you had a "U." Or a "W"; that would be even more decent!
Twice as decent, I must say!
STEVE
(Singing) Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia, funky Tut!
TEENA
All right.  Let's hear it, Christopher. You think this story element from Murders is connected to your script, right?
MR. CHRIS
You said it, I didn't.
TEENA
How?
MR. CHRIS
Well, I know I throw the word "metaphor" around maybe more than I uses ellipses...but...that script is pretty much a 300 page metaphor about heartache, literally and figuratively; symbolically and yes METAPHORICALLY!  Murders even had a scene where a doctor is discussing Martin Short's heart problem with him.
BETTE
And I suppose there's a scene in your script where--
MR. CHRIS
Yes!
BETTE
Scenes in doctor's offices came along right after they invented the close-up.
MR. CHRIS
Well, it wasn't exactly in an office...
STEVE
I don't think anyone could fail to see the startling similarities here.  And just for the record, I only worked on the pilot.
JOAN
Oh, so you do speak in complete, intelligible sentences.
STEVE
(Singing) We're having some fun, here at the Boarding House, in San Franciscan, California... 
HELEN
(To Steve) Didn't you used to date that little chippy, Bernadette something or other?
JOAN
Peters.  A lovely woman!
HELEN
The only hit that comes out of a Helen Lawson show is Helen Lawson, baby; and that's why I had to tie a can to that little broad's tail!

MR. CHRIS
It's really fascinating to me how much things are connected.
TEENA
Are you going to wax poetic?
MR. CHRIS
You know, like, Steve dated Bernadette and that was Andrea Martin playing her and now Andrea is on Only Murders. And Ed was on SCTV with Andrea and in the The Goodbye Girl with Bernadette Peters and Ed was on The Tonight Show when Bette was on for like the last time in her life; that kind of thing.
JOAN
It sounds rather like that game, oh what's it called?  "Six Inches From Kevin Spacey"!
BETTE
It's Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.  Can you connect me?
TEENA
You were in Wicked Stepmother with Colleen Camp and she was in Trapped with Kevin Bacon.
BETTE
My, that was quick.
CHRIS
Let's play "Three Degrees of Reidy-ation"!
ED
That's sounds like some decent fun. I'd like to spin, Pat!
TEENA
What is "Three Degrees of Reidy-ation"?
MR. CHRIS
That's where I try to connect myself to a given celebrity.
BETTE
Well, can you connect yourself to Kevin Bacon?
MR. CHRIS
Yeah, by one degree!  A good friend of mine was next to him at a urinal in Nashville.  He not only saw Kevin, he saw little Kevin!
JOAN
Well, was it worth seeing?
MR. CHRIS
Just rent Wild Things Joan.  He was in the full-frontal forefront!  He will give you ding-ding!
JOAN
I'll put that on my "to do" list!
BETTE
The movie, Joan; or Kevin?
MR. CHRIS
I  can connect myself to Steve by zero degrees!
BETTE
Do tell!
MR. CHRIS
When I worked at the Polo store on Rodeo Drive in the 90's; I was walking to lunch and he was walking right towards me.
JOAN
Did you say hello?
MR. CHRIS
No. I'm really shy. Plus, I was too busy looking down.
TEENA 
At the sidewalk?
MR. CHRIS
No...at Steve's swim-suit area.
JOAN
Go on!
MR. CHRIS
Well, you know, he's supposed to have one of the biggest ding-dings in show-biz; but I couldn't really tell.  He was wearing roomy trousers.
JOAN
(To Steve)  Mr. Martin, would you like to see my Keane painting?
STEVE
Would you like to see my penis?

JOAN
Does Bambi shit in the woods?
MR. CHRIS
Okay...we may be getting a little off track here.
BETTE
Christopher.  Can you connect yourself to me?
MR. CHRIS
Well, we're both Massholes.
BETTE
Oh!  Where are you from?  I'm from Lowell, myself.  What a dump!
MR. CHRIS
I'm from Saugus.  
BETTE
Home of the world famous Hilltop Steakhouse!
MR. CHRIS
They tore it down...
BETTE
What a shame.  But if you're from the Bay State, my boy; you're all right in my book.
MR. CHRIS
So, I can connect myself to you by two degrees.
BETTE
Out with it!
MR. CHRIS
I had a friend when I first moved to L.A.  She was an aspiring screenwriter.  At one point she was Martin Short's assistant.  And Martin was on The Tonight Show with you.
BETTE
Oh yes.  I remember.  And I'd rather not.
TEENA
Okay, enough with the stroll down memory lane.  What are you going to do about people ripping you off?
MR. CHRIS
I guess all I can do is point it out and maybe someone will agree with me and I won't feel quite so insane.
JOAN
That sounds like a plan!  Now, I don't know about you; but I'm hungrier than a freshly fucked fox in a forest fire!  Where should we go to eat?
BETTE
The Hilltop!  The meat is on Joan!
STEVE
After I see her etchings.
ED
Oh, a big platter of beef sounds grand, I must say!
JOAN
Let's get to work!
FLASHBACK SOUND EFFECT:
CUT TO:
INT. -THE HILLTOP STEAKHOUSE RESTAURANT -NIGHT

WAITRESS
...and you ma'am?  What'll you have?
JOAN
A double martini with two extra large olives and the biggest bone in steak you've got!
BETTE
Of course she does!  I'll have the lobster pie and a bourbon.  You can just leave the bottle on the table.
WAITRESS
And for you Sir?
MR. CHRIS
I'll have the broiled scallops.  And could I get some extra lemon wedges?
WAITRESS
Whatever floats your boat.
She leaves.
BETTE
(Laughs) Only a Yankee would order seafood at a steakhouse!
ED
Oh, I'm so looking forward to my BLT sandwich!  It's the most decent sandwich in history, I must say!  I can't decide which letter is my favorite.  Is it the B?  No!  It's most definitely the L.  Or is it the T?  Oh it's such a hard decision!  Pat, I'd like to spin!
BETTE
I didn't see "BLT" on the menu...
ED
Well that's what I ordered, and I'm going mental over it!
MR. CHRIS
Ed...language...
ED
Oh, come on!  Gimme a break, Mr. Sajak!
The lights dim and there's a DRUMROLL
JOAN
There seems to be a floor show about to start!
Steve Martin comes out dressed like an Egyptian Pharaoh and climbs up on to a table and starts singing "King Tut."
The waitress goes over.
WAITRESS
I'm sorry Sir, but you can't be barefoot in here.  Sir?  Please get down, Sir.
But Steve ignores her and continues his number.
BETTE
And Mr. Martin gets paid to do this?
MR. CHRIS
Yeah.
BETTE
Nice work if you can get it.

CFR  8/15/23