Christopher Meloni...what's the deal?
They call you a Zaddy but isn't that just a new word for "Daddy"  A Daddy being a physically/sexually/erotically attractive gay man of a certain age?
Here you are with another Daddy.  Why is his face in your armpit?  Straight dudes aren't generally into other straight dudes pits...
So, I'm just gonna find a bunch of pictures of you that I find...interesting...and rate them on a "Gay Scale."
1. Not very gay
2. Kind of gay
3. More than a little gay
4. Really gay
5. Super gay
​6. Super-duper gay
7. Mineshaft gay

Armpits: Super-gay

Wearing a kilt in a hotel room (by yourself?) when you're not from Scotland, Ireland, Great Britain, The New Hebrides, etc. More than a little gay.

Wearing a kilt with a sporran and a frilled tuxedo shirt and boots with slouchy socks?  A necklace, bracelets and rose colored glasses?  Super-duper gay.  I mean, where could you be going?  The Mineshaft?  The Mineshaft has been closed since 1985.  This picture is from three years ago.  This actually might qualify as Mineshaft gay.

This still from Oz (or any still from Oz): Mineshaft gay.

Whatever this is: More than a little gay.

Showing off your big-ass man-feet in a bubble bath: Really gay.

Trimmed armpit hair: More than a little gay.

Getting married on the beach: Not very gay.
Doing it barefoot: Kind of gay.

Pumping iron in an Interview magazine crop top tee: Mineshaft gay

Wearing this ensemble and posing for photos: We need a new category: There's no way to make this not gay.

Armpit obsession?: Super-duper gay.

Posing in your private gym in front of the Manhattan skyline with the Empire State Building phallically looming over your crotch?: More than a little gay.

Doing this on the banks of the Hudson?  That's like old-school gay.  1977 gay.  Final answer: Mineshaft gay.
Even when you're fully dressed, you still manage this:

Above: More than a little gay.

So Chris...
Are you trying to tell us something?  I mean, it seems you've gone way beyond throwing bones (so to speak) to your large gay following (I know I'm one!).  But maybe, you're taking advantage a little?  Getting to be gay with a safety net because no, of course you're not really gay!
I mean, come on...you never "experimented in college"?
What about that time you attended The Neighborhood Playhouse School of the Theater in NYC in the early 80's and your roommate Steve B_____________ invited you out one night and told you to wear your jockstrap under your Levi's and you laughed and said "Why?" and he just smiled so you did, because you're a good sport; and then Steve dragged you down to the  Meatpacking district and then down a flight of stairs and they wouldn't let you in unless you took off your LaCoste polo, which you did, because you're a good sport and you kept asking Steve where you were and what the hell was going on and then Steve took off his Levi's and you did the same and there was a clothing check room and the kid working it winked at you and you felt this funny tingling sensation in your core and when you put your boots back on a feeling of...oh, what was it?  Power?  And then Steve put his hands on your shoulders and pushed you into a dark room full of...but your eyes hadn't adjusted yet to the dim and then suddenly Steve disappeared and you felt...

CFR 11/1/22

So, I might've mentioned in one of these blogs that I really like the show Home Economics.  Well, I'm happy to report, I still do, even though the show dumped this pile of mouse turds on me as a Season 3 kick-off.  Yes, it's another not so cleverly embedded ad for Disney Theme Parks shoe-horned into one of the Disney owned sit-coms.  Or rather, is it a sit-com episode, shoe-horned into a commercial for Disney Theme Parks?  Probably the latter; and at the very least, ethics and morals and PR aside: it's a conflict of interest, is it not?  How is this legal? 
So, I missed the very beginning of the episode because I was at play rehearsal, so, I'm going to go re-watch it on, ahem...HULU, which I have.  But not the Disney Bundle of Crap.  Oh, do I sound anti-Dizzney?  Yeah, probably.  I have my reasons.  I'm sure a lot of you out there reading this have your reasons too.  Even those of you who work for Uncle Walt: you know who you are.

So, in Season 3/Episode 1, entitled: Mickey Ears, $19.99; the Hayward extended clan go on an impromptu visit to Disneyland in Southern California.  They've once again convened for Sunday brunch at wealthy brother Connor's manse.  Connor, trying to avoid a difficult conversation with his brother, blurts out, apropos of Uncle Walt; that "We're going to Disneyland!" And after the commercial break, that's exactly where they are.  The implication is that it is the same day.  How?  How would this possibly be possible?  We'll get back to that in a minute.  But first, let's talk about that title.  "Mickey Ears, $19.99"

Actually, the Mickey ears pictured are $17.99 on the Disney online store, except, they're out of stock.  You can find them on Amazon for twice that price.  And you can get the "Pride" version for exactly $19.99 on the Disney site.  So, I guess the title is accurate (although as noted, the pricing is all over the place).

But has any Disney project ever had a truly gay character?  One who wasn't just paying lip-service (so to speak) to being gay?  Well, actually, if Disney owns FX and is responsible for AHS NYC, then the answer now, anyways, is a resounding YASSS!  And as gay as that project is, I have some problems with it, which you will be hearing about in another blog.  So back to the hat.
How much do you think it costs to produce one of those hats?  It's basically a compendium of plastics.  Fake felt (if that's possible) probably polyester; and plastic ears.  Well let's say it has about as much plastic in it as one of those big red Solo cups.  They cost 25 cents a piece.  So, Disney is making $19.74 on 25 cents worth of plastic.  I'm no mathematician; but I think it's safe to say that is an incredible profit margin (if that's the correct phrase).  Or if you prefer, in layman's terms: they're making a shit load of money off those ridiculously overpriced hats.
​
...Now wait just a minute Chris!

​Oh, hey everybody; look who stopped by!  It's Uncle Walt!  Hey Uncle Walt!!!

Hello Chris!  Hello everyone out there in TV-land!
You're actually on a computer...
My, my...how fancy...tell me Chris, can you use that device to sell things?
You sure can!  
How?  Because I'm still using a candlestick phone...
We can confab on that later Walt.  What brings you by?
Well, I heard what you were saying about my Mickey hats...aren't they cute!
Yeah, adorable; what about them?
Well, you were talking about the cost to profit ratio and you were way off--
Really?  Do tell.
It actually costs us twenty-seven cents to make, so...
I see.  Well I stand corrected.  By the man who pretty much invented tie-in merchandise.
I don't want to brag; but yeah, I did.
Yeah, you created an entire consumer market based around an annoying rodent.
(Holding up Mickey doll and doing Mickey voice) I'm not annoying!  I'm adorable!  And you NEED me!  Besides, I'm giving Americans good solid jobs during these trying times!
Well, it seems every time I pick up one of your products it's marked "Made In China."
Of course!  Our facility in China, Texas...U.S.A.!
Okay, sure...let's get back to our main topic...
Is there a little boys room around here?  (Mickey voice) I've got to twinkle!
There's a rest room backstage...
Be right back!
And back to our main topic.

So, ABC has a habit of sending the families of it's most popular and successful shows to the Disney theme parks.

That's the Heck family from The Middle and below them, everyone's favorite Modern Family (not mine however).  Same deal: ABC sends the family to a Disney theme park for a day and hilarity and shenanigans ensue.  And spending.  LOTS of spending...although we don't mention prices; except maybe those twenty dollar mouse ears, which compared to the prices of simply getting into the park, seems relatively low.  A bargain even!  By Disney standards, anyways.

Now wait just a minute Chris!
Oh, look who's back everyone: it's Uncle Walt and Mickey, fresh from the little boys room.  How was your "twinkle" Uncle Walt?
Oh, we don't talk about that at Disney.  Nobody twinkles or doodies in a Disney movie, right?
Does Bambi shit in the woods?
Oh Chris, you're too much!  So, I want to correct you again about pricing.  Getting into Disneyland is a very affordable undertaking.  I want all the world to be able to get into The Happiest Place On Earth, so I made sure the prices are as low as possible.  Why, it's only a dollar to get in!

Yeah, sure, in 1955...
But it is 1955!
Where are you coming from Walt?  Are you a hologram again?  Or a clone?
I think I'm a non-corporeal entity...
Well, where I am it's 2022.
Okay, well, adjusting for inflation, that one dollar admission price would be about 11.00 dollars in your time.  I think that's incredibly affordable...even for a paper-boy or a Girl Scout!  And inside the park, you can ride whatever you want for extremely reasonable prices, what with my A through E ticket system!

Yeah, I'll agree with you here.  But maybe you priced it that low in the beginning because you weren't sure it would be a success; or you knew it would be a success and you wanted to hook people on your product and once they were addicted, you'd jack up the price.
Well, aren't you the cynic...didn't you and your family enjoy stays at my Florida parks in the recession-riddled 1970's?
Yeah, we did...
Looking back, did it seem outrageously over-priced?
Well, I can't really speak to that, I was a kid.  My parents paid for everything...
So maybe you should think before you speak?
Look Walt, in the 70's your company was on the skids.  It was churning out junk like The Apple Dumpling Gang and The Boatniks...not exactly Box Office fire.  You needed to keep prices low.  Somehow, Disney Corp. came roaring back and now pretty much owns most of Hollywood.
Really?
Really.
Did you hear that Mickey?  We own Hollywood!  (Holds up Mickey and does his voice again)  I want to renegotiate my contract, Walt! (Regular voice) Wait, what? (Mickey voice) You heard me...

Artwork by kraidzilla from Deviant Art

So, back to the Hayworth family:
In order to get to Disneyland from San Francisco in one day; firstly, that brunch would need to be a real early brunch.  And secondly, you couldn't drive, because by the time you got there, the park would be closing.  So, we have to assume that Connor (who is the only one who could afford it) chartered a private jet.  Now, in order to transport six adults and four kids, you'd need a "super mid-size" jet.  Those cost, on average, $5000.00 dollars an hour.  Now, if it takes an hour and a half each way and you're only being charged for hours in the air, that would be $7,500.00 each way.  So, thats $15,000.00 for a round trip, conservatively speaking; since you'd probably want the plane on stand-by if you were only going for a day, so who knows how much more that might cost.
So, tickets for one day with the option to visit both SoCal parks for ten people, two of which seem to be under the age of nine...by my research and math skills...comes to about the $2,400.00 ball park.  So, our little trip for one day at Disneyland, is now hovering around $17,500.00.  That's not counting meals and souvenirs, which we see later in the episode that Connor has dropped probably a couple of thousand on toys for his daughter.

And also, don't Tom and Marina have two young twin children?  Where are they on this little trip?  These twins seem to miraculously disappear when needed.  Or did Connor pay for a theme park nanny to watch them?  At about 30 dollars and hour, and if they were there all day until the park closed, that's another 500 bucks or so.
But it's all on deep-pockets Connor, right?  Our upper-lower-class and middle-middle class segments of the family are completely off the hook for any of this.  If baby brother, who's in the 1% is paying, no questions asked, then yeah...WE'RE GOING TO DISNEYLAND!
Who's next ABC?  The Conners?

Surely not.  The family that reminds us how poor they are every ten seconds, surely could never afford to take a family trip to Disney World?

Now just hold it right there Chris!  Of course they can.  Why just this past Halloween they put on an impromptu party that must've cost them thousands of dollars!

Well sure they did Walt; but they didn't pay for it.  You did!
I did?
Your studio, anyways.  It's easy to throw an impromptu Halloween party with top of the line costumes if you live on a soundstage at The Walt Disney Studios!  You see, the Conner's are only "poor" when they need to be.  Just like school on Abbott Elementary.
What's that?
It's a TV show that runs on your network.  It's about an inner-city elementary school that is surviving on grit and moxie, hanging on by a financial thread...

Well, I guess it's not 1955 anymore...you say they're hanging on by a thread?
Yes.  But somehow they too managed to have an elaborate Halloween party at the school.  A school that only, apparently, has one working toilet.

And also, how can a school that big have only five teachers?  I mean, like, where's the principal's secretary?  The school nurse?  The cafeteria staff?
It's Disney magic Chris!  When you wish upon a star!
Yeah, it's wishful thinking all right...
Oh, they're just TV shows...it's Fantasyland!
Well,  don't preach to me about socio-economics during your Wednesday block of sit-coms and then just have them be poor or not poor whenever the scripts require it.  It sends out a mixed message.  You send these financially strapped characters to your parks and show them wallowing in Disneystyle Consumerism and then people in real life have to go into debt to actually go there, while your parks are more and more catering to the upper percentiles...Walt?  Uncle Walt?  Where did you go?
Mickey Mouse: He had to twinkle again.  Lighten up, Chris.  Here's a Disney dollar.  Go buy yourself some mice ears.

This is from 1955.  Is it still legal tender?
​Mickey Mouse: Sure...and at 1955 prices, it will buy you half a hat.
Gee, Mickey, thanks a lot.

CFR 11/3/22

'Memba this?

This is the pool at the summer practice camp for The Reidy Rasslers (still haven't decided on the final name yet).  It's in the South of France.  Why not!
​So here's the preliminary design for the uniforms:

After Mr. Elliott gets through with it though, there will probably be substantially less of it.  Which is fine with me!

So let's talk coaches.
Robert Conrad, of course, as we've discussed:

100% Straight!

Ed Asner, natch:

Fully 'stached Robert Urich:

Kevin Stefanski:

Anthony Lynn: Yes coach! Whatever you say coach!

I know I said that the Reidy Ranger Cheerleading Squad was going to be All Male; but, as I want to be as inclusive as I can, let's let the ladies in on the action.  And they can play ball too, if they want.
Meet Meryl:

She's our Division Two Co-Captain.
​

Yes Jimmy, you can be on the squad.  You've gotta put in the work though...
Sandra Bullock, Division One Co-Captain:

Sandra, I don't care that you didn't know what you were doing.  You're Sandra Freakin' Bullock.  You're in!  And yes Jimmy, you can be on the squad too.  But you've gotta put in the work...
Do we need Drag Queen energy on this squad?  NO!  'Cuz we already have it.  But some real live Drag Queens wouldn't hurt, either:

Let's meet our Medical/Physical Therapy Staff:

Our top notch medical team is always at the ready and ready to go!  Led by Dr.s Doug Ross and John Hamm; the Reidy Rockers staff of trained medical professionals and licensed physical therapists is there to insure the best health care and medical management for all our players, cheerleaders and administrative staff.

Peter Huang, our dedicated Physician's assistant.  Seen here testing bandage for stickiness.

That wraps up this edition of Fantasy Football; and believe it or not, there will be a fourth.  But since I'm in a very queer mood (in all its meanings) I want to write about Christopher Meloni and Zaddies.  So look for my next column: "Daddy...Are You a Zaddy?"

Ciao for now!

CFR 10/31/22

If you've been following along at home, you know that I've been involved in a production of Neil Simon's "Rumors" since back in May.  Well, we wrapped up three performances this past weekend and I'm happy to say, for the most part, it was a rousing success.  I'm not gonna lie and say each one was perfect, but I think we really pulled it off and then some.  Before I return to Fantasy Football silliness; I just want to wrap up this wrap up.
We didn't get a formal cast picture with all of us in costume, which I'm kind of pissed about.  I mean, we got ourselves all rigged up in freakin' BLACK TIE for this thing and nobody took a cast photo.  So, shots from the green room and ones taken during the performance will have to suffice.
So, the play was staged at the Smith Mountain Lake 4H center (Head, Hearts, Hands, Health); which is more of a compound out near Smith Mountain Lake.  It was way bigger than I was expecting and you literally have to go through the middle (or backside) of nowhere to get it.

I didn't see the 4H center until about a week before we opened.  We'd been rehearsing on the actual set in the basement of one of The Smith Mountain Lake Arts Council's board-members.  Kay and Mike volunteered their home for six months.  That's half a year!  Why did we rehearse this for half a year, you ask?  I don't know, quite frankly, I reply.
​At first, I thought...oh, cool...I won't even need to study my lines...they'll simply sink in over that length of time...I'll learn them by osmosis.  Yeah...ahhh, no...that's not what happened.  Actually, that extraordinary amount of time allowed me to keep putting off actually learning them, so I had to cram in the last few weeks.  I got into a certain amount of "trouble" for that.  But I'm not going to go into the negative aspects of those six months: except to say that pretty much the entire cast, including myself, came down with Covid, which didn't help matters.  Oh and my OCD flared up to pre-Zoloft levels (more on that later).
As I mentioned, the actual set was in the basement of the aforementioned couple.  It was then disassembled and put back together at the 4H center.  Here it is:

Here's a shot of the cast during rehearsals:

Sorry it's blurry.  We had a lot of technical difficulties with this show.  And two cast members are missing. Here we are in costume, during a performance (there were only three; which is another weird thing):

Oh, that's actually the curtain call.  Left to right, the cast:

Gary Noesner as Officer Welch
Shirley Sorrentino as Officer Pudney
Pam Gabriel as Cassie Cooper
Scott Sayre as Glenn Cooper
Wendy Neuman as Chris Gorman
Me as Ken Gorman
Mike Dittrich as Lenny Ganz
Sue Halloran as Claire Ganz
Phil Servidea as Ernie Cusack
Marion Wetcher as Cookie Cusack

Interesting cast note: Gary Noesner is something of a celebrity.  He was one of the FBI negotiators at Waco and he wrote a book about his career:

Did I ever think I'd end up on a stage in ruralish Virginia, acting along side an FBI hostage negotiator?  Short answer, "no."  But life is strange.  This was Gary's second play.  His first was a part in "Of Mice and Men" in college.  He is quite a charming and amiable man and a natural actor.  He was a stand-out in the improv class we did back in May.*

That's our director Nancy King with Scott Sayre who played the weasly politician role.

So, they always take "head shots" at most community playhouses and put them out in the lobby...often without identifying names; which seems kind of pointless.  And nobody, but nobody knows how to take a good head shot of me.  I don't know if it's the photographers or if it's me or if I have difficult to light face...I don't know.  I think I'm a fairly good looking person. My head is rather shaped like a lozenge; or an elongated watermelon. I am able to take pretty good selfies of moi-self (which frankly is getting harder and harder...I'm about to turn 57).  When I was a kid, I didn't photograph all that well; often appearing goofy and gangly, particularly as a teen-ager.  When I got into my mid-twenties all the way through my mid forties I couldn't take a bad picture, more or less.  Nowadays, it seems, all I can do is take a bad picture.  Yes, I'll admit I'm a bit vain; but I am an actor.  And a human being.  I want to look good for as long as I can.  But I totally get why a lot of celebrities demand "picture approval" on various and sundry projects.

I think I film pretty well.  When I'm in motion, it's better for all of us.  It's the still pictures I don't like...the camera doesn't lie, right?  Anyways, here is my favorite picture of myself as an actor.  It was taken by Cynthia Stearn who directed the first version of my play, "The Son'll Come Out Tomorrow."  It was not planned or a formal sitting.  A bunch of us were just hanging out on stage and she came over and said, "let me take your picture!"  So I let her.  She captured everything it was that I fancied myself as a performer without even trying.  Of course, this is from some twenty some odd years ago.

Well, that's enough mirror gazing for now.

​So, our opening night was by far the best of the three.  We had about 140 people and they laughed throughout the show, quite heartily; and a couple of times for a really long time.  In fact, it was the most laughter I've experienced, thus far, in my years of doing this.  It was a Friday night and there was wine on hand and they loved it.  Saturday night was about a hundred or so people, maybe more.  They were kind of a "tough crowd," as the saying goes.  Getting the laughs was like pulling teeth; but by Act 2 they were primed and yukking it up.  The Sunday matinee was SOLD OUT.  150 people.  150 people who had probably just come from church, skewed on the octogenarian side and were definitely not lubricated with potent potables.  We had to really work to get them to come around...but we did.  On Saturday, demure as they were, they gave us a standing ovation. Friday too. The Sunday folks did not.  Standing ovations are not a given...so we had that going for us.
So, all that rehearsal for only three shows.  Usually, there's at least two weekends for any community theater production.  And you usually get a review in the local papers.  I cannot supply that here.  I'm pretty certain we would've received a "good review."  Not that getting a good review is what substantiates whether or not you actually put on a good show.  I was in a production of "Hedda Gabler" that devolved into a comedy.  If it had been reviewed, I'm sure the critic would've trashed it.  But it got a standing ovation.  Oftentimes, as we know, critics and audiences don't react to things in the same way. We had a lot of screwed up sound cues: late, wrong, etc. But it somehow made things funnier, I thought.​
​Meanwhile, back in the green room...

So that's the unlikely tale of Neil Simon's Rumors at Smith Mountain Lake.  Would I do it again?  Well I loved working with my castmates and crew but the short answer here is "no."  No to a rehearsal schedule of that length, anyways.  These things usually take about six weeks; not six months.  Plus, SML is 45 minutes away from where I live, which isn't that big a deal, if it weren't for the exorbitant gas expenditures (gasoline!). Between gas and other expenditures for this show, I definitely went into the red; but I get my pay in applause, n'est ce pas? 

​There are plans to create an Arts Center in a massive building that was formerly a furniture store.  So, who knows?

That's like a 600 seat theater!  And there are already...ahem...rumors that most of the shows there will be "professional" with union actors shipped in from NYC.  Hopefully there will be room for both community theater and "legit" theater.  Whatevs...

The denouement.

So, in wrapping up this wrap up...
I mentioned that I was going through a pretty bad OCD flare-up in the final days of rehearsal and into the performances.  Let me give you a little insight into that particular challenge.  So for me, acting is a process of figuring out my character and what they want in the context of the play.  Not so much who they are, but how do they act? Because in real life, we only see that in other people. What they do and how they behave.
I learn the lines to the point (hopefully) where they are second nature.  You open your mouth and the words come out.  The trick is making the words, which you've said dozens of time, come out as though you're just saying them for the very first time.  While also simultaneously trying to "forget" what you're going to say; that is: to not anticipate any of your dialogue coming up.  It's kind of like typing, when your fingers are flying over the keyboard and you're not even conscious of it.  Or like letting go and letting the Force be with you.
So, that is hard enough.  But if you're experiencing OCD intrusive thoughts while your attempting to think and simultaneously not think; you've got to control the third set of thoughts at the same time.  And deal with panic.  And then just the simple stress of being in front of an audience, wanting to please and entertain them.  People think acting is easy; or more precisely, they tend to dismiss acting as somehow frivolous.  It's not.  It's hard.  I would say that kind of intense concentration is as exhausting as any marathon.  It makes me tired.
Yes, acting is hard.  And comedy is harder.

Here is another favorite acting photo of mine.  My husband took it.  He takes very good pictures of me.  This is from the disastrously sublime production of "Hedda Gabler."

I played Hedda's morose, suicidal, decidedly Scandinavian "boyfriend."  The only line of his that I remember is: "I didn't throw the manuscript into the fjord!"
I'm sorry; but there is no way to utter the word "fjord" unless you are from Oslo.

Ciao!

​CFR 10/28/22

So, back to our team building experience.  Which is simultaneously an examination of the NFL culture.
First of all: what is the point of "post game interviews"?  There is no point.  You either won or lost.  What more can you say?  Every time I watch one of these things it's always the same.  "Well, we played real hard and we won!" or "Well, we played our best but we lost..."  What else can you say?  You can just watch these guys trying to come up with shit to say.  Here's Travis(!) Raciti and Christian Tago, post game postulating:

And these two definitely make the cut for the Reidy Wranglers!  But did Travis just say the wind helped them win the game?  He did.  Is that a thing?

Can a football team have three captains?  I don't know...but why not?  And I think Mr. Kiko(!) Alonso is the third time charm!

Is he in a locker room or on a Falcon Video set?  And he's a ginger.  And he has my initials over his cornucopia.  I need a moment...

​What's that Zac Efron?  You want to be on the team too?  Can you play football?  Yes, there are lots of online photos of you holding and/or throwing footballs.  Here's one:

What's that Zac?  You want to know if your brother can be on the team too?  Of course!  Have you met the Kelce brothers?  Oh, sure, I'd love to look at your vacation pics of you with your brother...

You and Dylan can be in charge of team building exercises.  And exercise, exercises.  Wait, you want young Robert Conrad to play the coach?  You know, you kind of look like him. Oh, you do know...

How about Robert Conrad plays the coach who happens to be your dad?  Also, Zac, no shaving of chest hair.  Mike Ditka and Dick Butkus want everyone at MH.  Oh, that stands for "maximum hirsuteness."  Take your shirt off please...

Looks like you're doing a little trimming Zac, so just let that all grow out and you're in!

Let's talk uniforms!
I'm thinking purple and turquoise as the main colors with perhaps yellow and/or red for the trim.  And I think Mr. Ezekiel Elliott should design them.  He seems to be a big fan of the crop top.  Crop those tops, Pops!  The higher the better!

I don't think gay "trickle down" fashion could trickle down any further unless Mr. Elliott was wearing assless chaps on the field.  Oh, by the way; all chaps are assless.  They don't come any other way.  Oh, here's Mr. David Lee Roth, back in the day, literally rockin' a pair of chaps.  Now he was a ground-breaker.  And totally straight!  I think he needs to be on The Reidy Wrangler Cheerleading team!  I mean, no one can JUMP quite like Diamond Dave!

And since Dave is a certified EMT, he can be on the Wrangler's medical team, whose head Doctor is Jon Hamm.

Are you ready to join the team?

We'll be back with more installments on Football fantasies...we haven't even picked the coaches yet!

CFR - 10/26/22

I wonder what wonderfully masculine thing I did to get on the list for this mailer:

Was it the tool I recently ordered from Amazon?  I mean, it's to open a watch; but it's still a tool!

So, I have recently become very interested in professional football...not the game so much; but the players.  In fact, I've put together a FANTASY football team that I don't necessarily want to punt the pigskin around.  Although "punt," "pig," and "skin" are all rather loaded, n'est ce-pas?  I remember back in the day, getting childhood tingles when commercials like this came on TV:

So, from "Csonk" to "Gronk" here's my football Fantasy line-up...
Oh, the team is called The Reidy Rangers.*  And you must have proof of vax to play; or not play; because a lot of this stays in the locker room.

Aaron natch.  But he has to do a Nick Cage voice at all times.

I don't know if Adam Kinzinger has ever played actual football; but he knows how to handle a political football and that's good enough for me.  But I mean, really, could he look more like a football player?  He's a team player baby: Team Democracy!

Gronk, of course. Except he's not a baller...he's a the captain of the All-American-All Male Reidy Rangers cheerleaders.
The photo of Gronk is from ESPN magazine's "Body" issue, which features athlete's in the buff; which is great, but I think a little disingenuous.  I mean, they take great pains to disguise any of the things that, let's face it, people actually want to see: junk, tackle, gazongas, nips, bush, ding-dings, hoo-hoos, wa-was, ball-bags etc.  You can only disguise these things in so many ways, so a lot of the poses in the pictures are extremely similar, which renders the whole endeavor rather homogenous, so to speak.  I mean, I get the feeling that Gronk would happily show you little Gronk, so let him!  FREE THE DING-DING!

Like in the above picture of Julian Edelman.  I mean shouldn't we be seeing a little BOBB (back of ball bag)?  I get the feeling this dude would totally let you see Julian Jr.  And more power to him!  FREE THE WANG!
​'Memba this?

Yes Jake, you can be on the team.  And be one of the cheerleaders too...
Jake was supposed to play Joe Namath in a movie.  I guess it didn't happen.  Maybe Jake could recreate just the pantyhose commercial and post it on Funny or Die.  I think we'd all enjoy that Jake!

Mr. Taylor Rapp, makes the cut!

Nip slips, moose knuckles and some super outre fashion picks...We have our captain!!!

Tiki Barber.  And he's from Roanoke.  And he has an identical twin brother.  Does his brother play football?  He does in my fantasy!

And since this is my fantasy, the players can be from any sport or era or time.  Even if they've passed over to the big grid-iron in the sky, they can play!

​Time for a Gregory Harrison break!  Talk about childhood tingly feelings!  The best part of Trapper John M.D. was the opening credits and that shot of Greg in the shower:

Greg was Magic Mike when Magic Mike was literally still in diapers!

Yes, I think we have another captain!  Taylor and Greg can get together and bang heads and come up with some great plays...on the field too!

Pernell Roberts can be one of the several coaches:

As Mike Ditka once famously said: "...when it comes to football, the hairier the better!"  Or was that Dick Butkus?

We're gonna need some gingers for luck...how 'bout:

How about a hairy ginger?  Works for me!  Mr. Ryan Fitzpatrick...Ryan's the one with the hat...

Okay, I just pulled Mr. Fitzpatrick up at random...but the more I look into this, the more the NFL is pulling me into some kind of, quite frankly, super-gay-rabbit-hole.  Here's another hairy hottie, Mr. Travis Kelce.  Have you ever noticed guys named "Travis" are almost always off the charts HOT?  And what's up with the Sex and the City fashion choices?  Is the NFL playing for the other team now?

Mr. Kelce has a brother who is also a baller, so to speak.  Now, there are certain kinds of "cross a line" fantasies we don't "talk about." But who would I be to judge? The brothers Kelce can indulge in shower room shenanigans and horseplay to their heart's content in my locker room!  Here are the brothers Kelce in action:

And after all those shenanigans, what better way to relax, than a day at the spa?

But back to Mr. Fitzpatrick...
Actually, I'm getting more and more intrigued as I proceed into the nooks and crannies of this bold new NFL.  Does "NFL" stand for "Newly Flamboyant Lads"?  I mean, check out this ensemble on Mr. Fitzpatrick:

I mean, this get-up could be something you might've seen at the Crisco Disco circa 1979!

Okay...now that I've opened up this new can of...Crisco...I think I can milk a whole other blog out of it.  Wait, that doesn't sound right.  Or does it!!??

Please visit my next blog: "Butch Too: Football Fantasy Pt. 2" (or something like that).

​*or perhaps the Reidy Wrasslers or Wranglers or Roughhousers...

CFR  10/21/22

I've gone back and forth about writing this blog.  Perhaps I've disclosed too much personal information already.  But, since I've already mentioned I have OCD; I might as well just write about it.  Particularly, since I'm grappling with a pretty intense bout right now and talking about it helps to control it.  Sort of like talking yourself off a ledge; except you're on the ledge when you're doing it.  And since today is National Coming Out Day and last week was National Mental Illness Awareness Week; it seemed as though the Universe was sending me one of it's little signs.  And hey, maybe someone out there reading this will learn something...perhaps even that they have OCD themselves.  Because when it first visited me back in 1984 (how apropos) I had no idea what it was and truly thought I was going crazy...or MAD, if you like.
The thing about OCD, it seems to me, in the popular imagination, is that it's funny.  For example, that TV show Monk, which starred my new Celebrity Hall Pass, Tony Shalhoub.  I never really watched it; but I was aware that the character of Monk had OCD.  And that it was kind of played for laughs.  And was really just about the "C" part of the disorder.  LIke, Monk liked his ducks all in a row and it was humorous.  But did we ever learn what his obsessions were? The "O" that leads to the "C"?

Like the truly nightmarish obsessive thoughts that plague a lot of people who actually have it?  Not just, "Oh, I'm afraid of germs so I'm gonna measure the distance between my spoon and fork..."
Here's a little OCD 101 so we're all on the same page...

"...GIMME AN 'O'...!!!"

The "O" is for "obsessive" as in obsession; which is really just a sort of overly dramatic word for "thought."  Yeah, a simple thought, like we all have, all the time, 24-7-365 ad infinitum.  Except, with OCD, the thought is unwanted.  The person with OCD doesn't want to have the thought because the thought is disturbing.  It's called an intrusive thought.  And we've all had intrusive thoughts from time to time.  Here's a common one: You're in church or at a play and you have the thought, "What would happen if I stood up and screamed?  Or shouted "Fuck!" or fill in the blank..."  Most people shuffle off the thought with a giggle and don't have the thought again for a long time.  Well an obsessive person has a thought like that and it gets stuck on a loop.  And the more they try and dismiss the thought, the more the thought keeps coming.  And when the thought keeps coming, the person thinks they're going insane because why would anyone think this?  Why am I thinking this?  I'm not really afraid of germs that much...I've had colds...I know touching that doorknob is not going to make me sick...BUT WHAT IF IT DOES?  Something along those lines.  And I used germaphobia here because it's often cited as one of the major obsessions of OCD.  And maybe it is.  But the intrusive thoughts can be a lot darker.  A LOT darker. Being plagued with thoughts of catching germs is a little on the benign side (although it's still torture for the OCDian); which I think is why it's the go to "obsession."  But obsessive, intrusive thoughts can be extremely violent and reach extremes of obscenity.  Perhaps the sickest, most twisted things you could imagine.  Here's another common one: "I am certain I just ran over a bunch of school kids with my car!  But I know I didn't!  BUT WHAT IF I DID...?"  And that might lead to...
​
"...GIMME A 'C'...!!!"

And that OCDian in the car might say to themselves(?): "I have to know for sure!  I've got to turn around and drive by the school and make sure it didn't happen!!!  But that's insane!  I know it is!!! But I've got to do it for my own peace of mind!"
And turning the car around to go back and check, even though you know you didn't run over a bunch of school kids, that is what is known as a compulsion.  It's a kind of ritualistic act that OCDian uses to try and quell the power of the intrusive thought and the agonizing anxiety it creates.  The most famous example is the compulsion to wash the hands off of germs (in the germophobia scenario).  But it can really be anything, like, say, "I've got to spin this pen on the desk exactly the same way, five times in a row, so that I won't have a brain aneurism, which I'm convinced I will have if I don't spin the pen..." Or whatever.  I myself do not have the compulsion part of the disorder.  So I am what is called a "pure obsessive."  I do not have any ritual to try and rid myself of my unwanted thoughts.  Why?  I don't know.

I mean, I can see why OCD is regarded as comical.  Yes, turning the car around five times to check and make sure the gas is off could be a funny scenario.  The absurdity of some obsessions is so absurd as to be humorous.  But to the sufferer of OCD, it is most decidedly not funny.  It's kind of a living hell.  It's like being plagued by harpies.  Or rolling a rock up a hill, over and over.  It's exhausting.
So, you're having these thoughts you don't want.  You can't make them go away.  You're fear is doubled that you might actually carry out the bizarre thoughts you don't want.  You know you would never do any of the things that are coming in to your brain, right?  So what's the logical conclusion?  I'm insane.  Right, that's the only thing it could be.  So, a major element of OCD is ANXIETY.  The anxiety comes from the fear of having the thoughts and the futility of trying to banish them.  Anxiety has its own set of side effects.  Cold sweat. Shallow breathing. Brain fog. A general feeling of dread. Feeling shaky or trembling. Rapid heart beat. Inability to relax. Irritability. And so on.  Maybe even panic attacks.  This is called a comorbidity.
That's a real fun word, huh?
I looked up "characters from popular culture who have OCD" and a list of mostly comedic characters came up.  Our friend Mr. Monk, natch.  The character from As Good As It Gets that Jack Nicholson played (however I don't remember much from that movie, particularly the particulars of Jack's character's OCD).  Felix Unger from The Odd Couple; and if that's not playing the disorder for laughs I don't know what is.

But again, with all of these characters we only see their compulsions.  We never get into the darker shit that got them there.  Like why does Felix feel compelled to clean?  Is he trying to avoid thoughts of murdering Oscar in his sleep?  Which brings us another comorbidity: AVOIDANCE.
So, the OCDian is having these thoughts about, oh, let's say, driving onto a sidewalk filled with pedestrians and mowing everyone down.  The OCDian thinks, "Gee, I don't want to do that.  I don't want to kill random strangers via vehicular homicide.  For certain, I don't want to kill and for certain I would go to jail or at the very least lose my driver's liscense.  BUT WHAT IF I DID??? (ECHO, ECHO, ECHO...).  So the OCDian starts to avoid driving anywhere, to the point where maybe they never get behind the wheel again.  Imagine if you were having intrusive thoughts about whatever horrible thing your brain could conjure and it happens when you're around your best friend.  You might have to avoid being around someone you love; because: WHAT IF I DID?
Are you starting to see how horrific this malady is?  How not sitcom funny and how not movie cute?
The bad news is that it can get really bad: to the point of crippling anxiety.  Morph into agoraphobia.  Worse news is that it is incurable.
The good news is, is that it can be controlled to a certain extent.  It seems to go into remission on its own; but it can come roaring back.  Medications can help.  I use Zoloft for my demons.  Yeah, let's just call them demons.  Various psychological procedures like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy help many.  I have never officially been diagnosed or sought therapy...which maybe is/was a mistake. I sometimes worry that Zoloft has permanently altered my brain chemistry; I suppose for the better, since it helps control the OCD.  But am I gonna have to take it for the rest of my life?  Probably.  Now that marijuana is considered a medicine, I wonder if I should try that.  But pot has that paranoia problem, which probably would not be a good thing for a malady that already has paranoia built in.  Maybe some edibles?  I don't know... 
So, that's the basics.  Now as for my own personal anecdotes on this, I'm not sure I want to disclose that personal pain.  But I probably will in another blog.  It's therapeutic.  So let's leave it here for now.  Esta aqui.
I will ask though: Do you know how hard it is to do a fucking play when you're in the midst of an OCD spiral?  It's fucking hard.  Actually though, it gets your mind off it for a couple of hours.

Or maybe...

If anyone has some tips or experience with the effects of edibles on anxiety disorders, let me know in the comments or at [email protected].
Thanks for reading!
Ciao
​CFR 10/13/22

So, lately I've been giving Taylor Swift a lot of free publicity...like she needs it.  So forget about her and start thinking about my niece: MAGGIE SLATER.
She's a singer/song-writer/actress/writer/Renaissance Woman.  And did I mention she was my niece?  As in my sister's daughter?  WELL, SHE IS!
Born and raised in Oz; this Down Under Sheila (I hope that's not sexist, she'd kill me!) is making waves all over Australia.  This kid's got talent, looks and brains: are you listening SHOWBIZ?
Here's a video for her song "Itchy Feet."
Eat your heart out Taylor.

You can find Maggie's work on YouTube and various other social platforms and music streaming sources.

​Uncle CFR  10/04/22

CFR 10/3/22