So my phone rang late last night and I grabbed it.  It was my dear friend Teena Fay.  She is a professional Tina Fey impersonator.  She had some news for me...

TEENA
​Did you see Dancing With the Stars tonight?
MR. CHRIS
​No.  That show's not really my thing; why?
TEENA
Greg Brady was on.
MR. CHRIS
You mean Barry Williams, the actor?
TEENA
Sure.
MR. CHRIS
What about him?
TEENA
He danced to "Sunshine Day," that cheesy song from The Brady Bunch.
MR. CHRIS
Hmmm, that's strange.  Two days ago I literally wrote the first scene of my new sitcom pilot and the main character was playing Greg Brady and singing that song.
TEENA
No shit.
​The funky guitar riff of the "classic" song wafted between my ears...

MR. CHRIS
But Teena; that show is performed live.  And it's rehearsed a long time in advance, you know, so they can learn the dances.  Even I have to admit that Uncle Walt couldn't have put one of my ideas into action in 24 to 48 hours!
TEENA
But you wrote about singing and dancing to "Sunshine Day" over a year ago in your blog entitled: "Dr. Seinfeld or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Com."  You went into great detail about it.
MR. CHRIS
Yeah, we put on a show at the Glendale Federal bank vault.  I've incorporated that into my new pilot.
TEENA
So, it is a coincidence that you were writing that scene for your script the day before DWTS; but--
MR. CHRIS
But it's less likely that it's a coincidence in general.  Apparently Barry Williams has been trying to get on that show for seventeen years.  Why now?
TEENA
Maybe you had a little something to do with it!
MR. CHRIS
Do I want that one in my column?
TEENA
Look at all the press it's getting!  Let's face it.  America can never get enough of The Freakin' Brady Bunch!
MR. CHRIS
I know I can't!  Well, actually, I can.  I've gotta be in the mood.  Why haven't they rebooted that show with a new cast?  Set it now?  A whole new raft of contemporary problems for the Brady kids. I know I'd tune in!

MR. CHRIS
Why didn't they use the original recording?
TEENA
Uncle Walt probably didn't want to pay Paramount for it.  And you know he's kicking himself since the show originally aired on his network, ABC!
MR. CHRIS
Oh, the terrible irony of it all!
TEENA
Well, that's all.  I just wanted to bring that to your attention.  It's like you say: "If you see something else, say something else."
MR. CHRIS
So, Teena, you've finally come around to my way of thinking.  I daresay, you are a supporter.  An ally!
TEENA
Don't make this weird--
LOUD RECEIVER SLAM.
MR. CHRIS
​She loves me!

CFR  9/28/23

So, this seems like a no-brainer.
Why has there not been a Big Screen remake of Valley of the Dolls?  I mean people LOVE this movie!  Sure, for all the wrong reasons; but those wrong reasons are so right; and if it's wrong, I don't wanna be right.  And if it's right; I KNOW it's not wrong.
Uncle Walt: since you acquired 20th Century Fox and (I'm assuming) its film library; then you own the rights to this property (I'm guessing).  What are you waiting for?  This could be the next Barbie movie!  I mean, I'm sure you're kicking yourself for not acquiring that particular property (1.4 BILLION and counting...).  And it's about dolls!  Maybe you could remake it in stop motion with vintage Barbie dolls!  Hey, now there's an idea!!!
So, I'm not going to propose writing a new script for this or anything; but it might be fun to simply refilm the original script by Helen Deutsch and Dorothy Kingsley in a contemporary setting.  This might be the best way to go to ratchet up the absurdity, if that's even possible.  I mean, in 2023, we don't really have "supper clubs" and "floor shows" (I don't think they really had them in 1967!).  And I would ask the actors to play it "straight."  Approach the material as high drama.  This would be one way to go; but, oh, there would be so many ways to go.  Except the way the 80's TV version went; which was down the toilet (and not in a good way).
So, this is really more about casting.  Who, from today's group of celeb/thespians, would it be fun to put in this vehicle.  Let's start with the star of the show: NEELY O'HARA.  Originally played by Patty Duke, who gave a fever dream of a performance; Neely is the one people keep coming back for.  She's a clinical narcissist; and I think we've all had to live with one of those since about 2016 (another red-head).  Stockholm Syndrome, anyone?
How about Ms. Tay-Tay? Taylor Swift, that is...

I think Taylor could do a lot with this part!  And then she could write an album of songs and drop hints as to who it was she was really playing!  And of course, she will cover the famous theme song: "The Theme from the Valley of the Dolls: Taylor's Version: feat. Beyonce."  Which brings us to Neely's nemesis; the one and only Helen Lawson; brought so vividly to life by Susan Hayward:

Well, clearly, it has to be Queen Bey!

Next up: Anne Welles, who is arguably the main character.  She was played by Barbara Parkins in the original.  Here she is in action:

Selena Gomez kept coming to mind...

Next, we come to the character of Jennifer North.  She was played by the sublimely beautiful and vastly underrated Sharon Tate.  Now, the character of "Jennifer" is all about the measurements.  The whole point was that Jennifer was nothing without her body, so let's give her breast cancer and turn her husband into a vegetable so she'll commit suicide.  I say, if we do any rewriting for this redux, we let Jennifer live.  I mean it adds nothing to the story that she dies; not even faux pathos.  Joseph suggested Florence Pugh for Jennifer.  And she will give you nips!  I worked in a video store in Silver Lake and one of my co-workers was something of a local celebrity.  His name was Terry Sue, and he often wore diaphanous hostess wear and bangles up to his armpits.  He would put on a movie in the store and if anyone in it displayed any nudity, he would make an announcement.  For example; when Julianne Moore went bottomless in a scene for Robert Altman's Shortcuts, he proclaimed to any within earshot: "Julianne: she will give you bush!"

I just noticed that these pictures, from The Sun, a British tabloid, have blurred Ms. Pugh's nipples.  The whole point of this dress is to show the nips.  Seems kind of hypocritical to me.  And who would I be to digitally imprison them?

Apparently, Ms. Pugh is waging some kind of campaign to "free the nipple."  As to the why, when and where of this undertaking, I know not.  But her nipples will have free range in the new version of VOTD!  And anything else she wants to free (which is pretty much everything, based on my viewing of Oppenheimer.  I wonder if Emily Blunt had a stand-in for that scene...).  And that's a wonderful thing.  I'm just not sure she's right to play Jennifer.  She's too ​knowing.  Too British.  And her breasts, as lovely as they are; are simply not of the caliber that "Jennifer" requires.  Now, I don't know if she can act; but she's definitely got the bonafides to play Jennifer.  I give you Billie Eilish:

Based on the above photo alone, she's got the part in my version!

Now we come to Jennifer's LOVER/BOYFRIEND/HUSBAND: Tony Polar and his sister/manager, Miriam Polar.  In the original, this pair was essayed by Tony Scotti and Lee Grant.

Tony, how many times do I have to tell you? At night, all cats are gray...

That's Tony, supine on the bed.  And Lee in the blue robe.  I immediately thought of Jake Gyllenhaal, as one naturally would.  He's handsome and sexy. He can sing.  And he'd "get" it.  But Joseph one-upped me.  He said, Jake and his real life sister, Maggie, should play the pair.  Genius!

OMG!  I want to see this now!  Do you know how much built-in ballyhoo this casting would have?  A lot!  And we can reunite Taylor and Jake in one of the film's most sublimely insane scenes.  The one at the sanitarium "Talent Night."

So, the next big part is "Lyon Burke."  Lyon is the male lead that all the women are stabbing each other in the back to get with.  Originally played by Paul Burke.  Burke was cute and charming; but I don't think he was really the kind of guy all the babes would be hanging out by the water cooler to get a glimpse of.  He's more of a Leave it to Beaver DILF:

Lyon needs to be...well, let me put it this way.  He should've been played in the original by Warren Beatty.  So, might I suggest Mr. Henry Golding?

I know he'd get me to that water cooler!
Now we're on to some of the smaller roles.  But in this movie, there are no small roles.  Bit players in this show all gave memorable performances.  Even people with no lines; like Neely's understudy for Tell Me Darling.  Mr. Bellamy, the "entertainment lawyer" that Anne works for, gets some good lines and a great scene where he essentially fires Neely from Helen's big Broadway show.  How about Alfonso Ribeiro?  I've always loved him.  He was the best thing on Fresh Prince, IMHO.

Next is the character of "Ted Casablanca."  Now, throughout the movie, all people seem to talk about is how "queer" and what a "fag" he is.  But Ted seems to feel differently about it; or maybe indifferently.  He's a dress designer.  Is he supposed to be Oleg Cassini?  I mean, is he gay or isn't he?  Or is he simply "continental."  So, in any event, I say we cast openly gay and astoundingly HOT actor Luke Evans in the part.  I think it's fair to say most anyone on the planet would want to get with him!  In the original, he was played by Alex Davion.

Next we have the character of Kevin Gillmore, CEO of Gillian Cosmetics and Anne's much older paramour.  He was played in the original by Charles Drake.  He didn't have a lot to do, besides turning Anne into a supermodel; but he had a presence.  I say we give a nice cameo to Jon Hamm.  He just seems right for it.

The speaking roles are narrowing down now.
Oh, I almost forgot!  Mel, Neely's long suffering husband.  In the original he was played by Martin Milner.  How about Dev Patel?

I think it would be nice to honor the two of the surviving members of the original cast: Barbara Parkins and Tony Scotti.
And I think I have just the perfect cameos for them!  For Barbara, she has to have the "Reporter" role from the original that had Jacqueline Susann in the part.

And Tony Scotti could take the Joey Bishop part as the telethon host.

So, for Mr. Bellamy's secretary and office oracle, "Miss Steinberg"; Joseph suggested Michelle Yeoh.  Sounds good to me.  

And for the director of Helen Lawson's Big Broadway Show, Hit the Sky! Joseph suggested Native American actor Adam Beach.  This is interesting choice, as we could work in a little sociological commentary.  How about this?  Adam is the writer/director/composer of Hit the Sky! which is a Native American themed musical.  Originally titled Lagenci ("Sky Goddess" (Seneca); he was made to change the title for something more commercial.  These battles continue throughout this storyline.  If I were to write this, I would want 100% accuracy; so, it might be more accurate to cast a Seneca actor; and there is one: Gary Sundown.  Here are Mr. Beach and Mr. Sundown:

That's most of the speaking parts.  Okay, I guess I have to write a scene now...
Oh, wait a second!  There's one last part that is a "lucky part" (TM/Reg./Pat.Pend.).  It's the "Assistant Director" who goes to Neely's dressing room to get her on stage for the opening of Tell Me, Darling; only to find her in her costume for the second act.  In the original this part was played by Richard Dreyfuss and in the 1981 TV remake, Nathan Lane.  I think it's safe to say things worked out pretty well for the two of them, showbiz wise.  So, I wanna give the part to someone I like; someone who impressed me; and that would be actor Alex Shaffer.  I caught the movie Win Win one night and he was in it.  A teen at the time, he played a high school wrestler.  He also guest hosted an episode of Catfish(?).  He had a certain something, I thought. Anyhow, I say, let's put him in the part and maybe he'll go on to mega-stardom.

​I think Lee Grant, who is now in her late 90's, needs to be in this too.  She could play the lady's room attendant during the big "wig down the toilet" scene; or, we could write a new character for her.  How about Jake and Maggie G.'s grandmother?  I like it!

So, we' re pretty much done here.  There are a few more roles that are important; but in the original the characters didn't have lines.  Anne's mother and "Aunt Amy" come to mind.  And Willy, the boy that Anne was engaged to be engaged to, that she left behind in Lawrenceville. 
So, I can't resist writing a little scene for our 21st Century Valley of the Dolls. How about Anne's first encounter with Helen Lawson where she's been sent (unbeknownst to her) into a trial by fire by Mr. Bellamy; in order to retrieve Helen's signature on some contracts?  Works for me!

EXT. NYC STREET -DAY
A Checker cab rolls up in front of a shabby looking Broadway rehearsal studio.  The rear door opens and Anne steps out.  She is wearing a color-coordinated winter outfit.  The street is dry and PEDESTRIANS pass by in short-sleeves and shorts.  It is December, btw.
ANNE
(NARRATING) The cab driver kept complaining about the lack of snow and slush.  I told him he should see one of our New England winters.  He looked at me funny.  He asked me if I'd heard about something called global warming.  I confessed I hadn't.  I gave him ten dollars and told him to keep the change.  He informed me I was thirty dollars short.  He wanted more money.  I confessed I didn't have any.  I wrote him a check.
CUT TO:
INT. REHEARSAL HALL -DAY
Anne approaches a small office where the MANAGER, a heavy set woman with a cigarette, is chattering into the phone.  She looks at Anne.
MANAGER
Yeah?
ANNE
I've got some papers for Helen Lawson to sign.
MANAGER
All the way down the hall.  Take a left, then a right.  You'll come to a small access tunnel.  Go through that and then take the elevator to the third floor.  Walk down the left-hand corridor.  You'll come to some stairs. Go up the stairs and then right and then left. If you find yourself on the roof, come down the fire escape and start over. He dressing room  the third door on the right.  And if your Chinese zodiac is the year of The Goat, watch your step!

Anne nods and starts down the hall.  She passes rehearsal studios.  Chorus girls practicing their dance steps.  We hear random unaccompanied PIANO MUSIC.  Another room: acting class.  The instructor is shouting: "Who?!" "What!?" "Where?!" "Why, why WHY?!!" "Why not???"  A series of FADES as Anne traverses the Showbiz labyrinth. She emerges into a large space where numerous THEATER PEOPLE, enraptured, are listening to a young woman who is sitting in a chair on a platform, SINGING.  She is wearing a threadbare striped sweater and black tights.  She is totally into the song: SKY GODDESS.

NEELY
(Singing)...you dug a hole and you didn't know why; and you fell through a hole in the sky.
You were falling and calling but nobody came
You were tumbling down; you'd forgotten your name...

Anne continues on until she finally finds Helen's dressing room.  She stands in the hall and peeps into the room.  HELEN LAWSON, (of a certain age), is sitting on a sofa looking at costume sketches and fabric samples.  She's shaking her head in disgust.  She flips through the sketches, dropping them dismissively on the floor.

HELEN
Ugly!  Beastly!  Eccch!  Bleccch!  Yuck!
She holds one up.  The costume is plain and somber.
HELEN
Oh hell no!
She throws the sketch out the door and it lands at Anne's feet.  The MAN she is directing her disdain towards is the creator of the show.  He is a Native American man, in his 30's or 40's.  This is KAINTWAKON (A.K.A KAIN).
HELEN
This is a Helen Lawson show, baby.  Helen Lawson doesn't wear burlap sacks.  Where are the sequins?  Where are the bugle beads?  Where's the SPARKLE?
KAIN
Helen, this show isn't about glitz.  I want it to be--
HELEN
I don't care what YOU want it to be.  This is my show--
Helen notices Anne outside the door, now holding the costume sketch.
HELEN
Who in hell are you?
ANNE
(Timidly entering room)  I'm Anne Wells...and...
HELEN
Look, I'm tired and I'm busy.  What do you want?
ANNE
I've got some contracts from Mr. Bellamy that he wants you to sign.
Helen holds out her hand.  Anne hands her the contracts.
HELEN
Give me a pen.  And not one of those lousy ball-points!
Anne removes a quill pen and a bottle of ink from her purse.
HELEN
Sit down!  You're making me nervous.
Helen starts signing some of the contracts.  We hear Neely SINGING.
ANNE
That girl singing out there.  She's very good, isn't she?
HELEN
Yeah...she is...
KAIN
Helen, what of you think of the rewrite of Sky Woman?
HELEN
The song goes.  And the kid with it.
KAIN
Oh Helen, Neely O'Hara can't hurt you!
HELEN
You're damn right she can't.  'Cuz she isn't gonna get the chance!

And so on.  Come on Uncle Walt, let's make this happen; before Ryan Murphy gets his hands on it.
Ciao,
Chris

CFR  10/6/23

ADDENDUM:
I was just thinking about the music to this movie.  I mean, most people talk about the cheesy songs by Andre and Dory Previn; but the scoring of the film and the musical arrangements are brilliant.  Of course they are; because genius John Williams did them.  And it was like he knew he was doing a trashy movie; so he made trashy music.  But brilliant, trashy music and I think that is a huge part of the magic of this film and why people keep coming back to it.  For example, this piece of music he did for "Jennifer's French Movie."  It's slightly sleazy, ridiculously "French" and absolutely hilarious.  But it's also an excellent piece of music that's pleasing to the ear.  He would have to come back and revisit his score for the new version!

CFR  10/7/23

So, they say, "write what you know."  So I know what it was like to be a page.  So, I think I should write a sitcom that's about pages.  Why it hasn't been done already is kind of a mystery.  I know there was a page on 30 Rock.  I didn't watch that show with any kind of regularity but I do know he was played by Jack McBrayer.  I don't know how far or deep the show went into his character's life or the actual duties of a page (NBC's pages may have had different duties than Paramount pages...); but I think they nailed the uniform.

In another of those "boy, what a small world" moments: one of the first shows I did in Roanoke was an evening of Christopher Durang and the star of the show was this really interesting guy who was a bit younger than me.  He had prematurely gray hair (which I find a turn-on).  He kind of disappeared from the local acting scene.  He was also a lawyer(!?!).  We got to chatting in the dressing room and it turned out, his college roommate was Jack McBrayer.  Two degrees of Reidy-ation; which would make me three degrees from Tina Fey.
Speaking of Tina Fey; I'm entering her orbit again.  Her hair-space.  She created the character of "Kenneth Parcell." She went to UVA (along with Edgar Allen Poe) which is pretty close to where I live.  I just saw her this past weekend in A Haunting In Venice; and I gotta give props where props are due: the Teenz killed it!  Tina, I think you should do a straight up dramatic role for your next project.  Comedic people usually have a deep, dark river running just below and beside the funny bone.  Might I suggest a remake of Network with a script by, oh, I don't know...me.  Or maybe Aaron Sorkin or some other prestigious scribe.  Or maybe you even, Tina!  Of course, you'd play "Diana Christensen." Hey, baby, it won Faye D. the Oscar.  Just sayin'

Tina...you really kinda look like her!  But don't go down that "don't you know who I am," route.  Don't evah change Tina.  Isn't it weird to think she was married to Peter Wolf?  For like, four years.  I mean, like, what did they talk about?
Also, Faye and I are alumnisses.  Is that a word?  We both went to B.U.  Let's see if I can Reidy-ate myself to her.  Oh, I can; through a fellow page, no less.  One of my co-pages worked in a hair salon in Beverly Hills.  As he told the story, one fine day, Ms. Dunaway sauntered in, with no appointment and sat in a chair.  Once attended to, she requested a Diet Coke.  "Miss Dunaway," he replied, "we don't have Diet Coke..."  She replied: "I saw a vending machine down the block..."  A Diet Coke was procured and proffered.  She looked at the can, then, after a moment she sighed and said: "...ah, ICE?"  When her Coke was quaffed and her coiffure assured, she stood up and marched towards the door.  "Put it on my account!" she exclaimed.  "But Miss Dunaway, you don't have an account--" But alas, Dunaway was out the door.

Anyhoose...
Let's get back to our sitcom!​

So, since we've had such success with this method for "Cheeseheads" and "Heartfight" and "Looking For Mr. Goodwill" and the "Seinfeld" spec script; I say we continue in this vein!

PAGES
a sitcom pilot by Christopher F. Reidy and J.R.Butts

TEASER

​INT. GLENDALE FEDERAL BANK LOAN FILE VAULT -DAY
As we FADE UP; the CAMERA lingers on two blank gray metallic spaces, bisected on the vertical by a black line.  We hear the funky, groovy opening strains of "Sunshine Day" by the Brady Kids.  The gray spaces part, revealing shelving units stuffed to the gills with manila folders, bursting at the seams with documents.  The camera tracks down the claustrophobic space until it comes to a stop at the other end, where there is a second space.  A young man, dressed like Greg Brady in all his 70's finery steps out and begins to sing.  He walks towards the camera, which now tracks back down the same space.  Singing his little heart out is COOPER REILLY, mid-20's.  He is holding a prop microphone.  Behind him are two young women.  The first, playing "Marcia Brady" in a blonde wig, is JENNIFER BARTLETT, mid-20's.  She too is singing into a prop mic.  Finally, behind her is ILKA MYRNOFF, early 20's.  She is the "youngest one in curls" "Cindy Brady."  And she also is singing into a prop mic.  The trio emerge into a small area of the vault, where numerous delighted CO-WORKERS comprise the audience.  Some people are nibbling at fast food, as it is lunch time.

COOPER, JENNIFER AND ILKA
(Singing in unison): ...I gotta get out, gotta get out, gotta get away...I gotta get away, get away, get away, get away...
Into the sunshine day...

​COOPER
(Solo) ...Can't you dig the sunshine? Now it's all but the same.  Can't you hear him callin' your name?

 CUT TO:
INT. LOAN VAULT STAIRWELL -DAY
A stout WOMAN in her late 40's comes up the stairs and squeezes into the small area with the audience.  Someone hands her a flyer and she raises it to her eyes. 
CLOSE on flyer: it reads, The First Annual Glendale Federal Loan File Vault Follies: Act 1: Cooper, Jennifer and Ilka perform "Sunshine Day."
The woman lowers the flyer and rolls her eyes.  She is MRS. MANOOGIAN, the bank vault manager.  After a few moments though, she starts tapping her foot in time and as a smile plays at the corner of her lips.
The SONG comes to an end and the audience APPLAUDS.  The trio takes a bow.

COOPER 
Thank you so much!  Now let's put our hands together for Joe Davis and his "Crash Course: Kah-Rah-TAY"!
JOE DAVIS, mid 20's, comes down the shelving aisle, barefoot, wearing a Gi with a purple belt.  He let's out a loud Kiai SHOUT as he does some karate moves and then bows.
JOE
Welcome to my dojo...
OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE OVER THEME SONG: "HOLLYWOOD PERFUME" BY THE PRETENDERS

ACT ONE

INT. MRS. MANOOGIAN'S OFFICE -DAY
Cooper is sitting in a chair, facing Mrs. Manoogian, who is seated at her desk.  A window behind her looks out a non-descript parking lot.  She holds up the Folly "program."
MRS. MANOOGIAN
Would you mind explaining this?
COOPER
It's a program.
MRS. MANOOGIAN
I know what it is.
COOPER
Did you enjoy the show?
MRS. MANOOGIAN
That's beside the point.
COOPER
So, you didn't like it?  Do you have any notes?
MRS. MANOOGIAN
(Shaking her head)  What's your name again?
COOPER
Cooper.  But you can call me Coop.
MRS. MANOOGIAN
(Looking down at folder) You're from TempForce...Mr. Reilly?
COOPER
That's me!
MRS. MANOOGIAN
Okay.  I get it.  You're a temp.  So, I assume, finance is not what you want to do--
COOPER
Oh, I'm all about finance.  I was reading in Variety that some guy just sold a spec script for almost two million--
MRS. MANOOGIAN
So you're a Hollywood aspirant?
COOPER
I--
MRS. MANOOGIAN
Of course you are.  Ninety-five percent of the temps in this office usually are.  And that's fine.  Good luck to you.  But Mr. Reilly, I simply can't have unsanctioned talent shows in the vault during lunchtime.  It's a vault, not a soundstage.
COOPER
But everyone seemed to love it!  It was standing room only!
MRS. MANOOGIAN
I know.  I was standing there.  And I did enjoy it.  It was cute.  But you should've asked permission.  
COOPER
Would you have given it?
MRS. MANOOGIAN
Probably not.
COOPER
Are you going to fire me?
MRS. MANOOGIAN
No.  But Mr. Reilly, I really think you should be in a different environment.
Cooper nods.
CUT TO:
INT. LOAN FILE VAULT -DAY
Cooper is pushing an office chair with Ilka sitting in it.  The chair has wheels and he's pushing it as fast as he can down the file shelf aisle.  Jennifer is at the light switch flicking it on and off.  Joe is seated at a work table, trying to do his job, but he can't contain his amusement.
JOE
Don't you guys think you're pushing it a little?  I mean, The Flight Simulator, right after our unauthorized floor show?
COOPER
It was a follies​!
ILKA
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
JOE
You know, they can hear that downstairs.
COOPER
Okay, okay...back to work.
He pushes Ilka over to the table and he and Jennifer also sit.
JENNIFER
So what did Miss Manoogian say?
COOPER
She thinks I should be in a different business.
ILKA
Duh!  We all should.
JOE
Not me.  I'm going to run this bank one day!
COOPER
Well, when my bakery takes off, I'll put all my riches in your capable hands.
ILKA
You're a baker?
COOPER
It's a metaphor.  I want to be a writer, like Jennifer.  Also a director-slash-producer-slash-actor-and-or country singer or star!
JENNIFER
Coop, you should apply to be a page at Penultimate.
COOPER
What's a page, anyways?  All I can picture is bowl hair-cuts.
JENNIFER
A friend of mine did it and she's now an assistant to Gig Vidor!
COOPER
The legendary producer of such films as Cassandra's Child and Tokyoville?
JENNIFER
Yep.
ILKA
So, what does a page do, anyways?
JENNIFER
They seat the audiences for the TV shows, give tours; that sort of thing.
JOE
How much does it pay?
JENNIFER
Minimum wage, I think.  I mean, yeah, it's not a lot; but it's a way to get your foot in the door.
JOE
(As he kicks his still bare foot up)  Hiiiiii-yahh!
COOPER
"Penultimate."  You know that means "next to last"; right?
CUT TO:
INT. COOPER'S APARTMENT -EVENING
Cooper comes through the door.  The apartment is a modest two bedroom.  A sliding glass door looks out onto the grounds of the complex.  It's actually rather nice, even if it's closer to Pasadena than Hollywood.  The decor is from the Goodwill collection; but done in good taste, with a kind of Mid-Century vibe.  Seated at the dining room table, working on his laptop, is Cooper's room-mate ALFREDO "AL" WELCOVICH, mid-20's.  He is a tall, well-built young man with somewhat ruggedly, exotic looks.  He is good-natured and happy-go-lucky.
AL
Hey...
COOPER
(Tossing his keys, bag and coat on the couch) What you working on?
AL
The third act of "CIA Grandma."
COOPER
You're on the third act already?
AL
Yeah.  And I need a break.  You wanna go to CoCo's?
COOPER
Sure.  Hey, can you look something up for me?
AL
One sec...(he hits SAVE on his screenplay and opens a search engine)  What?
COOPER
Look up "Penultimate Page Program."
Al's fingers fly over the keyboard.  He shows Cooper, who has taken a chair, the search results.  There is only one.
AL
"Penultimate Usherette's Newsreel"
He clicks on it.
CUT TO:
CLOSE on the laptop screen.  A grainy black and white newsreel flickers to life.  The MUSIC is instrumental and unmistakable.  That sort of hysterically cheerful, light orchestration with fanfare.  The title reads: PENULTIMATE NEWS (THE EYES AND EARS OF THE WORLD) across the studio's logo; a stylized Apollo, holding aloft his lyre.  We hear the excited, nasally voice of the MALE ANNOUNCER.
ANNOUNCER
Penultimate Pictures is celebrating the 25th anniversary of its world famous "Usherettes!"  Every year, eager young hopefuls apply to be usherettes at its famous location right in the heart of Hollywood, California!  Here's the latest group of gals as they file through the studios world famous gates!

We see shots of a long line of young women, dressed in the height of early 50's fashion, as they pass an older MATRON who hands each of them application forms.
ANNOUNCER
Oh, what have we here?  It's a boy trying to eke his way in.  Sorry buddy, but this line of work is for the ladies.  And the ladies only!

We see a young guy in a suit at the end of the line, trying to get an application.  The matron passing them out shakes her head "No."  The guy dejectedly sulks away.
ANNOUNCER
Sorry pal, but this is no job for sissies!  Penultimate's Usherettes walk upwards of thirty miles a week, giving walking tours of the vast studio.  Here are the ladies who made the cut, having their measurements charted.  Clothes not only make the man, they make the woman too.  And the Usherette's are swathed in the designs of Penultimate's premiere costumer, Arianne.
We see a suave, good-looking gentleman in a pin-striped suit with slicked back hair.  He has a cigarette between his fingers as he inspects the seriously form fitting uniforms of the Usherettes who are in varying stages of dress (or undress!).
ANNOUNCER
Then, it's on to classes for the girls, who have to be up on their show business history.  Pop quiz tomorrow girls; so you'd better start cramming back at the dorm! 
Now we see the girls in a dormitory bedroom, in nightgowns, reading, studying and of course, having a pillow fight.
ANNOUNCER
Now gals, enough of that nonsense.  Time to get some shut-eye!  You have a big day ahead of you!
The music swells as we see the girls on the lot, receiving their nametags from the matron as various MALE EXECUTIVES watch, nodding and smiling.
ANNOUNCER
Well girls, the only way in, is up!  We know you'll make us proud!
The camera CLOSES on one of the girls' shapely legs
ANNOUNCER
And all that walking?  Why it doesn't hurt those gams a bit!
The VISUAL FADES on several of the girls being heartily embraced by the male executives.
AL
I think I read somewhere that that was pretty much a prostitution ring.
COOPER
Yeah...  There was some kind of scandal, in the early 60's, I think.
AL
Are you wanting to do this?
COOPER
Be a prostitute?
AL
A Penultimate Page.  They let guys in now.
COOPER
What about sissies?
AL
If they're an equal opportunity employer, you're in.
COOPER
Ha. Ha.  I'm kinda broke.  I'm on the CupO'Noodle express.  Maybe we should eat in?
AL
​Nah.  Let's go.  My treat.

​CUT TO:
INT. COCO'S RESTAURANT -NIGHT
Cooper and Al are in a booth, both with their laptops open in front of them, typing away.  A WAITRESS approaches the table with drinks, places them on the table and pulls out her pad.
WAITRESS
You boys ready?
AL
Yes. I'd like the grilled chicken with the seasonal vegetables and fresh fruit.
WAITRESS
Terrific.  And for you hon?
COOPER
I'll have the Lumberjack Breakfast.
WAITRESS
Eggs?
COOPER
Over-easy.  And country potatoes.
WAITRESS
A man with an appetite!  I'll get those right out!
She heads off and Al regards Cooper over his screen with raised eyebrows.
COOPER
What?  Is that too much?
AL
If you mean money, that's not what I mean.  That meal has like a day's worth of calories.
COOPER
Al, for me, that meal will be an entire weeks' calories.  I told you.  I'm broke.
AL
I could lend you some money.
COOPER
No.  Thanks; but I don't want to go down that path.  You're already giving me a break on the rent; and if I haven't told you lately, I'm forever grateful.
AL
I like having you as a roommate.  I enjoy your company.
COOPER
Thank you.  And I yours.  How's Stephanie doing.
AL
I don't want to talk about her.  So, who do you think should play Anthea?
COOPER
Who?​
AL
The main character.  CIA grandma!
COOPER
Oh, right.  Uhhhmm...how about Meryl Streep?
AL
She might be a little over-qualified for this sort of thing.
COOPER
How about Tippi Hedren?
AL
She's in her mid-nineties, isn't she?
COOPER
Yeah, so?
AL
This role requires the actress to do parkour, sky-diving and pole-vaulting; among other things.
COOPER
You can fix it in post.  (Looking at his screen) Say, can I use you as a reference?
AL
Sure.  For what?
COOPER
I'm filling out the Penultimate page application.  I'm gonna be a Hollywood hooker!
Al shakes his head as Cooper looks out the window.
COOPER
(Pointing) Is that Zendaya?
AL
(Excitedly pressing his nose to the glass) Where?  Where?
COOPER
Made ya look!
CUT TO:

Please see: PAGES: THE SITCOM / PART 2 for the next installment!
​CFR  10/13/23
​

So, here is the wrap-up for the HEARTFIGHT screenplay.  I've transposed it here from a Word document that was typed in Courier font.  I will come back and tidy it up later. You can also find the entire script in a recent blog entry: HEARTFIGHT: A SCREENPLAY: The Complete Script.



                                                                                               DANNY
                                                      (Quietly to himself as he looks at his reflection in the window glass) I just might be                                                                  future brother-in-law to the goddamn Godfather from Dingle…

​FADE FROM BLACK

INT. LANI-BATALI HEADQUATERS -NIGHT
The main floor of the H/Q is set up with bleachers where a crowd of five-hundred or so SPECTATORS are sitting.  The room is now tarted up with video screens, where we see the polished version of the official Lani-Batali video. Elizabeth Tan in the video is explaining the game as graphics swirl about; but she can hardly be heard over the DIN of the crowd and the pounding, cheesy ROCK MUSIC.  Klieg lights of various colors illuminate the room and the wind chamber, with shafts of brilliant light. Clearly, Roddy is all-in on the show-biz glitz.
 
 CUT TO:

INT. VIP ROOM -NIGHT
An elaborate buffet and bar are set up in a sky-box overlooking the floor and the wind chamber.  Roddy is holding court with numerous and sundry CELEBRITIES and MEDIA PEOPLE.  Also in the room are Gran and Danny and Kelly and Sean. As well as Cal. Danny sidles up to Gran. She looks resplendent in her dress with a deep decolletage; as she puts a sampling of hors d’oeuvres on her plate.
                                                                                                  GRAN
                                                                   Oooh, melon!
Danny sees Seamus and Claudio enter the room.
                                                                                                  DANNY
                                                                   Gran, listen. My friend Seamus is here with Claudio--
                                                                                                  GRAN
                                                                   (Fire in her eyes). Well, have I got an earful for the Swiss fellah!  Are                                                                                             those girls here?
                                                                                                  DANNY
                                                                   No. I told Donna that you would be here and they bowed out.
                                                                                                  GRAN
                                                                   “Chickened out” you mean!
                                                                                                  DANNY
                                                                  Listen, they’re coming this way. Please be nice. Claudio has no idea that Donna                                                                        was Henry’s girl.
                                                                                                  GRAN
                                                                  Then he did Henry a favor, now didn’t he?
Seamus and Claudio join them.
                                                                                                 SEAMUS
                                                                  Hello Danny boy!
                             
                                                                                                CLAUDIO
                                                                  So, you survived the kelpy! Good to see you.
                                                                                                DANNY
                                                                  Boys, I’d like you to meet my gran, Mary Murphy.
 
Greetings are exchanged. Gran is cool, yet remains charming.
                             
                                                                                                GRAN
                                                                 Look at the size of you two! Now what were they putting in the water where you                                                                      fellahs came from?
               SEAMUS
(Guilelessly) I might say the same about you Mrs. Murphy.
Gran glances down at her chest and smiles. She’s won over.
                              GRAN
               (To Danny) Oh, I like this one!
Danny smiles nervously as he shifts on his feet. He’s saved from the awkwardness by Roddy, who has drifted over.
                              RODDY
Thanks for coming folks. Enjoy yourselves. I’ve got to go start the proceedings!
Seamus looks up at a monitor. An image of Henry with his stats fills the screen.
                              SEAMUS
               Your boy is in fine form, Danny.
                              DANNY
               Idn’t he though?
                              SEAMUS
Yeah. I’ve got twenty-thousand pounds riding on this and if I lose it, I’ve got no one to blame but myself.
CUT TO:
INT. LBHQ -NIGHT
The lights go down. We hear the voice of an ANNOUNCER. A deep, overly dramatic masculine voice.
                              ANNOUNCER
(O/S throughout) Welcome, one and all, to the first tag-team exhibition game of LANI-BATALI!
The crowd CHEERS.
                              ANNOUNCER
And now…your host…and the man behind Lani-Batali…Mr. Roddy Shannon!
A DRUM ROLL. APPLAUSE, CHEERS ETC. As Roddy materializes in a blazing white spotlight.  An old-fashioned microphone is lowered and he speaks into it.     
                              RODDY
Hello everyone out there in fight-land! Welcome to Lani-Batali. Let’s just get to it, roight! Let’s bring out the boys…
The lights go down again as we hear DRAMATIC MUSIC. Kliegs search the space until they settle on a scrim, behind which we see the silhouettes of two very large men. The scrim parts, revealing Magnus and Orca in their fighting gear, which is far flashier than anything we’ve yet seen.
                              RODDY
Here they are: Team Euro. Mr. Magnus,”The Viking,” Bang!
Magnus steps forward as a BIKINI LADY #1 runs up to him and hands him a tao stick, which he raises triumphantly.
                              RODDY
               And Mr. Orca from Majorca, Torrens!
Orca steps forward as SPEEDO MAN #1 runs in and hands him a stick.  He shakes it in the air and he and Magnus stride towards the steps leading up to the wind chamber.
 
RODDY
               Let’s meet Team Hibernian…
The light show continues, this time illuminating a second scrim. It too has the silhouettes of two men. It opens to reveal Henry and Paddy.  They too are in fighting gear that is much showier; but not nearly as showy as their opponents.  In the light they glow; but it is clear the glow is from being near one another.  As Paddy said, they sparkle.
                              RODDY
               Mr. Paddy O’Riada!
                             
Paddy steps forward to more CHEERING, due to his relative fame. BIKINI LADY #2 runs out with his tao stick.  He gives it a few quick spins.
                              RODDY
And last but certainly not least; Mr. Henry Notlad!
Henry steps forward, nods to the crowd.  He takes his tao stick from SPEEDO MAN #2. He lunges at Paddy and flips Paddy’s stick, which Paddy is still spinning.  It flies into the air and seems to hover there for a moment. It plummets back down and Paddy catches it.  The crowd, as they say, goes wild.  Henry and Paddy move towards the stairs.
CUT TO:
 
INT. WIND CHAMBER -NIGHT
Inside the wind chamber we can see that there are now entrances onto platforms on either side, mid-way up. Each is large enough to hold two men.  Above the platform is a handrail, where a contestant, not engaged in play, can station himself.  His team-mate, if he decides to “tap out” must reach the platform from the air, in order to do this.  Magnus and Orca are on one side; Henry and Paddy on the other.
CUT TO:
INT. CONTROL ROOM -NIGHT
Roddy enters the room and goes to the console, which is now manned by several MEN, including Chris, Cal and Cupe.
                              RODDY
(Barely able to contain his excitement) Bring it on boys!
The camera ZOOMS in on the wind control lever, as Chris begins to slowly push it forward.
CUT TO:
INT. LBHQ FLOOR -NIGHT
From the AUDIENCE’S view-point, we see the four men start to rise into the air to the opening strains of Peter Schilling’s “Major Tom.” There is no question now that Lani-Batali is on a show-biz trajectory.
                              ANNOUNCER
(O/S) The match will start when the bell rings. But first, the men of Lani-Batali are going to give you all a little taste of what they can do.
 
Like watching fireworks, there are OOOHS and AHHHS as the four men do a coordinated routine in the chamber. It’s rather like synchronized swimming but in the air. And MACHO.
Then we hear a classic wrestling bell RING. The MUSIC cuts out; the regular lights go up and the men return to their platforms. Paddy readies his weapon and launches into the air as Magnus does the same.
CUT TO:
INT. CHAMBER -NIGHT
A MONTAGE. QUICK CUTS.
Paddy flies up towards Magnus, his stick spinning. He does a barrel roll and comes up behind his opponent. He hits Magus in the crook of his knee. We hear a distinct three-note TONE that indicates points have been scored.
CLOSE ON: The scoreboard. A number 3 lights up and flashes on Team Hibernians side.
Magnus does a summersault and pushes his legs off the opposite side of the chamber.  He pummels Paddy three times, in quick succession; going for the elbow crook, the underarm and the heel. No luck.  Paddy manages to protect his “kamoi points.”  Magnus flies down to Orca and taps him. Orca, now launches into the air. Paddy dives down to their platform and taps Henry, who launches into the air.  Orca comes at Henry with the ball end of the tao stick. He swings and nails Henry’s Achille’s tendon. Team Euro’s scoreboard lights up with a flashing 3 as we hear the CHIME.
Magnus shoots upwards off of his platform and corkscrew spins to the top of the chamber.
CLOSE on Paddy’s face, as a look of confusion crosses it.
CUT TO:
INT. SKYBOX -NIGHT
Sean presses his nose against the glass and then turns to Danny.
                              SEAN
               Is that move legal?
                              DANNY
I have no idea. Does this game even have set rules yet?
               GRAN
Is it two against one now?   
               SEAN
I’d put money down that Roddy told those two to break a rule or three.
               DANNY
So, there are rules?
The camera CLOSES on Gran’s worried face.
CUT TO:
INT. WIND CHAMBER -NIGHT
Orca and Magnus come at Henry from either side, tao sticks spinning.  The lunge and jab, but Henry’s acrobatics outwit them. Henry flies down towards Paddy. Paddy stretches his hand to try and tag Henry.  Paddy's fingers just miss as an up-gust hurtles Henry towards the ceiling.  Magnus, who is hovering above, delivers a blow to Henry's back with the paddle end of the tao stick.  At the same time, Orca is shooting upward with the ball end of the tao stick at chest level.  As he nears Henry, he thrusts the stick upwards.  But Henry is coming too fast and takes a direct hit to his chest.  The scoreboard CHIMES as a giant number 10 flashes bright red.  The camera CLOSES on Henry's face, now twisted in pain.  His eyelids flutter. He lets go of his stick and starts tumbling randomly in the air.  Orca and Magnus come to his aid.


CUT TO:


INT. WIND CHAMBER PLATFORM -NIGHT


Paddy leaps from the platform and goes to the other three.  The crowd begins to realize that something’s not right.


CUT TO:
​
INT. WIND CHAMBER CONTROL ROOM -NIGHT


Cupe and Roddy are observing.


CUPE
Dad, something’s wrong--


RODDY
(To Chris) Bring them down!


Chris turns to the console.


CUT TO:


INT. AUDITORIUM -NIGHT


We see the four men in the chamber descend to the bottom.  Cupe rushes in and kneels next to Henry.


CUPE
What happened?


ORCA
He blacked out.


HENRY
I'm not getting a pulse!


CUPE
We've got to get him to a hard surface...


They pick up Henry and bring him out of the chamber and lay him on the metal grating.  Cupe kneels over Henry and starts CPR.  He checks Henry's airway and starts chest compressions.  He pinches Herny's nose and delivers two rescue breaths.  Nothing.  He starts compressions again.


RODDY
Where is my fucking medical team?


Cupe looks at Paddy who returns a beseeching look.


PADDY
Please Cupe...Frankie...please...


ORCA
It was an accident!


Cupe continues the CPR: 30 compressions, two rescue breaths; but Henry remains unresponsive.  Finally, after what seems an eternity, two EMTs bound up the stairs with a defibrillator or AED. They cut Henry out of his suit. As the EMTs place the pads, Cupe continues his exertions.  


EMT #1
Everyone clear!


The machine emits a BEEP and shocks Henry.  Paddy looks on helplessly.  He crosses himself and starts praying.
FADE TO BLACK:
FADE UP:
Henry is remembering the day that he, Danny and Paddy visited Big Ben and met Gran.  The dialogue is muffled and we only hear bits and pieces of what’s being said.
INT. BEDROOM -DAY
Paddy is standing on a step-stool as he holds up some drapery against the window.  Gran is instructing him how high or low to hold them. Henry looks on.  Paddy steps down and puts the curtain over his head and clasps it under his chin, like a nun’s habit.  He does the sign of the cross as Gran playfully swats at him.  Paddy LAUGHS.
INT. KITCHEN -DAY
Henry, Danny and Paddy are seated at table as Gran ladles stew into their bowls.  Paddy tries the stew and a look of delight lights his face.  He starts enthusiastically gesticulating.  It’s clear he likes the stew.
INT. BIG BEN -DAY
The tour group is looking at the clock mechanism.  CLOSE UP on the pendulum weight, where we can see a number of coins stacked. Danny raises his hand and the tour guide points to him.  This we hear clearly:
                         TOUR GUIDE
               Yes Sir?
                         DANNY
               What are the coins there for?
                         TOUR GUIDE
               I was just getting to that.
                         DANNY
               Then I suppose I asked at the right time.
                         TOUR GUIDE
The clock managers use the pennies to gain time, as it takes the pendulum two seconds to swing back and forth each way. Each penny gains two-fifths of a second over a twenty-four-hour period.
          DANNY
Seems a bit jerry-rigged to me.
          TOUR GUIDE
You mean “jury-rigged”; and this clock is accurate to within two seconds a week.
          DANNY
I thought you said two-fifths--
          HENRY
(Elbowing Danny) Give her a break.
          DANNY
I’ll give you a break.
Danny elbows Henry in the chest. He realizes it may have been a bit too hard.
                         HENRY
               That hurt.
                         DANNY
               Sorry Hank, I over-shot…
DIZZOLVE TO:
CLOSE on Henry’s chest as the EMT delivers another shock.  Still nothing.  Cupe continues CPR.  The camera hovers over Henry’s face, as though he’s leaving this realm.
                         EMT
               Clear!
Another shock.  Finally, Henry takes a breath.  His eyelids flutter open.  We see his P.O.V of the concerned faces above his.
CUT TO:
INT. O’RIADA HOUSE, DINGLE -DAY
The doorbell RINGS and Brian O’Riada goes to the door.  He opens it.  Standing on the stoop is Gran.
                        
GRAN
               You must be Brian.  I’m Mary Murphy.
                              BRIAN
               Hello Mary, please come in.
He ushers her into the house.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN -DAY
Gran is at the table with Paddy as Brian, at the sink, pours water from a kettle into a teapot.
                              BRIAN
               How do you take your tea Mary?
                              MARY
               Plain as the nose on my face.
                              BRIAN
               That’s how I prefer it too.
                              MARY
This is lovely china. My favorite. Old Country Roses.
               BRIAN
It was a wedding gift.
               MARY
(Tentatively) And, where is Mrs. O’Riada?
               BRIAN
Oh, we’ve been apart for some time.  She’s remarried to--
               PADDY
They’re not married.
              
 
 
MARY
Sure enough it’s none of my business. I just want to thank you again for letting Henry recuperate here. London would make a werewolf nervous.  Is Henry up and about?
               PADDY
He’s upstairs, resting his eyes.  I’m sure he’d love to see you.
               MARY
Well, dear, you know I’ve never been dubbed as a sight for sore eyes.
               BRIAN
Now even a blind man wouldn’t believe that!
 
Bemused, Paddy looks at his father who winks at him.
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM -DAY
Henry is lying on the bed, dozing.  A soft KNOCK rouses him. He sits up.
                              HENRY
               Come in.
The door opens and Paddy enters with Gran behind him.
                              PADDY
               You have a visitor.
                              GRAN
               Hello darling!
                              HENRY
               Hi.
                              PADDY
               I’ll give you two some privacy.
                             
GRAN
Nonsense. You’re part of this too, love. (Gran sits on the bed and Paddy sits on the window ledge).  I told Mr. O’Riada and Paddy about your ailment because I knew you probably wouldn’t. And maybe I crossed a line; but sometimes they need to be.  I’ve been told you’ve been feeling down, son.
               HENRY
Yes, I’ve been feeling down. I almost died.
               GRAN
But you didn’t. That’s the important thing.
               HENRY
(To Paddy) So, you know all about my bum ticker, huh?
               PADDY
I do.
               HENRY
(Angrily) Then you know I could drop dead by, oh, I don’t know? Tea time?
Paddy doesn’t respond. Gran pats Henry’s shoulder.
                              GRAN
The doctor said that’s unlikely.  That this was just a freak accident. That you could go back to the game tomorrow if you wanted to—not that I’d let you.
               HENRY
So, you’re listening to the quacks now?
               GRAN
As a matter of fact, I am. Henry, you can get mad at me as much as you like; but not this gentleman. (She points at Paddy).
              
HENRY
I’m sorry.
Gran SIGHS as Paddy smiles sheepishly.
                              PADDY
               Would you like to stay here tonight, Mary?
                              GRAN
Oh, thank you; but no. I’m staying nearby with cousins. (To Henry) What do you want for dinner?
                              HENRY
               Stew.
                              GRAN
               Stew. Stew then!
DIZZOLVE TO:
EXT. BEACH -SUNSET
CLOSE on shards of orange light on the ocean surface, at Dingle. The camera PANS and then moves over the water to the beach, where Henry, Cupe and Kelly are sitting in beach chairs. Paddy comes up behind them with an armload of wood and drops it on the sand.
                              CUPE
So, Paddy, I never could remember what I wanted to tell you about diamonds.
               PADDY
Well, make something up then.
               CUPE
Okay.  (Thinks a moment) How about this: Love is like a diamond.  It’s beautiful; but it’s the hardest thing on Earth.
               PADDY
I rather like that.
               KELLY
Yeah babe.  Not bad.  And they say he’s just a pretty face.
               HENRY
Could you guys give me and Paddy a minute?
               CUPE
Sure.  Mister O’Riada wants me to sing something for him.
Cupe and Kelly stand and walk towards the house.  Paddy sits in a chair and puts some more wood on the fire.  The sun is starting to sink.
                              HENRY
               I have to leave tomorrow.
                              PADDY
               I don’t think you should rush anything--
                              HENRY
You heard what Gran said. I could return to the game right now, if I wanted to.
               PADDY
Do you?
               HENRY
I don’t know.
               PADDY
Are you going back to London?
               HENRY
No…the States.
               PADDY
Why?  Are you having visa problems? Roddy can take care of all that.
               HENRY
I actually have Irish citizenship.
              
 
PADDY
               Then you could just--
                              HENRY
               I can’t do this.
                              PADDY
               Do what?
                              HENRY
               Stay with you.
                              PADDY
               Da doesn’t mind. He likes the company!
                              HENRY
               I mean I can’t stay with you.
Paddy is silent as he stokes the fire.
                              PADDY
               Don’t you fancy me anymore?
                              HENRY
               That’s the problem.  I fancy you too much.
                              PADDY
               I don’t see how that’s a problem.
                              HENRY
               I don’t want to put you through this. I can’t.
                              PADDY
               Put me through what?
                              HENRY
(Pointing to his chest) This.  I could drop dead tomorrow--
               PADDY
So could I. So could any of us.
              
HENRY
It’s not the same thing!
               PADDY
But isn’t it though?
               HENRY
And speaking of rushing things; maybe this is all too fast.
               PADDY
But that could be a good thing.
               HENRY
(Stands, agitated) We’re each other’s firsts Paddy.  What happens if we get bored?  What happens if one of us—or both of us wants to experiment? See other people.  Meet someone else?
               PADDY
Have you met someone else?
               HENRY
No!  I don’t want anyone else.
               PADDY
And yet you want to leave me?
               HENRY
I don’t want to look in your eyes and see worry every time I do.
               PADDY
I’m Irish that’s never gonna happen.
               HENRY
It wouldn’t be fair to you.
               PADDY
That’s bullshite.  You’re the one being unfair. And selfish as well.
              
Henry doesn’t respond.  He turns and starts walking away.
                              PADDY
               Where are you going?
                              HENRY
               I need some time. I’m going for a walk.
                              PADDY
               Now? I don’t tink so.
Paddy runs at Henry and takes him down.  They wrestle in the sand. Paddy quickly subdues Henry, whose heart isn’t really in it. Henry tries to push Paddy off; but Paddy gets the advantage again and ends up straddling Henry, his knees in the sand and his hands on Henry’s shoulders.
                              PADDY
(As he cries) Nobody knows how much time they have. Didn’t you tell me that once?  Please stay with me.  You make me happy.  Do I make you happy?
Henry nods.
                              PADDY
(An epiphany as he frantically searches his pockets) Henry, remember that day at Big Ben? When Danny asked about the coins on the pendulum? (He finally finds what he’s searching for: a penny, which he shows Henry). It buys time Henry! One penny buys—what was it?
               HENRY
(Crying now too) Two-fifths of a second…
               PADDY
That’s right!  Two-fifths of a second! So, every day, I give this penny to you and then you give it back to me and we’ve bought some time!
               HENRY
Not enough…
               PADDY
But it is enough!  Because we paid good money for it!
               HENRY
Two-fifths of a second?
               PADDY
Two-fifths of a second! Two-fifths of a second!
He rolls off of Henry and starts sobbing. Henry stands, brushes off the sand, and stands over Paddy.  He extends his hand.
                              HENRY
               Come on, get up.
Paddy takes Henry’s hand and Henry pulls him to his feet. Henry puts his arm around Paddy and walks him to the water’s edge. Henry puts out his hand a second time.
                              HENRY
               Give me the penny.
Paddy puts the coin in Henry’s palm.  Henry steps back and then pitches the penny with all his might into the dark Atlantic. He returns to Paddy’s side.
                              HENRY
               I just bought us an ocean of time.
Paddy rests his head on Henry’s shoulder as the sun dips into the sea.
CUT TO:
INT. DUSK -O’RIADA LIVING ROOM
Mr. O’Riada is sitting on the bench of an upright piano.  Cupe and Kelly are looking through a pile of old sheet music. One of them flutters to the floor and Kelly picks it up.  It is for The Bangles “Eternal Flame.”
                              KELLY
               How about this one Frannie?
She hands it to Cupe, who considers and then nods.
                              CUPE
               Sure, why not?
He hands the sheet music to Mr. O’Riada who turns to the keys. Cupe sits on the bench next to him.  As Cupe begins to sing, the camera tracks out of the house, over the dunes, down the beach to where Paddy and Henry are now sitting in the sand in front of the fire, Henry’s comforting hand on Paddy’s back.  The camera passes between the two and comes a stop just above the campfire flames, as the sun finally dips below the horizon.
The camera lingers on the fire as the song continues and we:
FADE TO BLACK                                

CFR    9/17/23

Since we all had so much fun with "Cheeseheads" and my screenplay, "Heartfight" why don't we do another original sitcom?  Sounds fun to me!!!

Filmed in Hollywood U.S.A.

CFR  9/1/23