Ms. Kidman seen here at her local AMC Stubbs "A-List" screening, about to view Atomic Chupacabra Bloodlust 3: The Return of Martin Gorre.
Okay Ms. Kidman.  It's time for some hard questions.  I mean, not like, these are going to be difficult questions; as in difficult to answer, like the following:

BTW, Nick; if you can solve that, it's worth a million bucks.  Better get crackin' before Matt Damon beats you to the punch.  He's like a math genius. Who knew?

Oh, wait...wrong math genius.  Please hold.

Oh, not him either.  Oh, here we go.  Here's Matty!

Dang Matt, you better not go to Madrid and ride the bus!

Wow. I am really easily distracted.  Okay Nicole.  Let's all re(to the nth power(!)-watch your Infamously-Famous-Famously-Infamous AMC in-house promo for AMC theaters.  The one where you tout the chains ability to "make movies better."  Better yet, the one where you emphatically proclaim they do this:

Let's also watch this terrific analysis of your promo by Karsten Runquist!

Very interesting analysis; but I do feel the magical appearance of the drink is probably a continuity error; but then again...
So, here come the hard questions, Nicole.
Why do you not have popcorn?  Is not the moviegoing experience now inextricably linked with the eating of popcorn?  Is the image of the popcorn in it's striped paper container not cultural shorthand for "the movies"?  So, you really should have a bucket of popcorn; but you don't.  We can only ask why.  Why, Nicole, do you not have popcorn?  Is it because AMC does not want to remind moviegoers of the absolutely outrageous price they charge for popcorn?  I mean, do the math Nicole (because I know I can't--where's Matt Damon?); but the mark-up on popcorn can be a staggering 1,275%!  Even I can figure that that is super-duper expensive.  Also, how many calories does a bucket of popcorn with "butter" (a.k.a. "Golden Flavoring") have?  Or fat? Or Sodium?  You don't see the Nutrition Facts posted anywhere.  And why is that?  Isn't that like a law now? 

And why would anyone need to refill a container that size?  Well, maybe if you were sharing; but still--if you paid for the bucket, shouldn't the refills be free?  They are at every other theater I've been to.  I mean, it's no wonder Americans are so Super-Sized nowadays.  And where are the Surgeon General warnings on empty-calorie junk-food with zero nutrition, like movie theater popcorn?  Why do cigarettes get all the bad press and the exorbitant taxes?

I wonder what brand of cigarette Virginia Woolf smoked.  Did you research that for The Hours?  I bet it was Craven "A" brand.  It strikes me that the irony of naming a brand of cigarette "craven" would appeal to a writer.  I recently tried to read Mrs. Dalloway and had to "DNF" as they say on Goodreads.  It was kinda all over the place, if you ask me.

And that nose you sported in The Hours.  You know, I still am not over that.  How you managed to win an Oscar with that nose has to be some kind of modern miracle.  I mean, if she'd worn glasses, all you would've needed was this:

But I give you props, Ma'am!  I bow down.  I mean, you had to like, literally act around that nose.  And whose decision was that?  I mean Virginia's schnozz simply wasn't that off the hook:

So, do you know Nicole, how much sodium a typical serving of movie theater popcorn has?  LIke 1,500 mg. of it!  That's like an entire days worth. My blood-pressure is skyrocketing just thinking about it! Is it true that they make it that salty so that you get thirsty and then have to go buy a drink?  And doesn't it seem like the water fountain at a movie theater is always broken--that is, if you can find one?  Speaking of things being broken...
Now, I don't want to single out anybody in particular; but Joseph and I frequent the Salem Valley 8 AMC theater fairly often.  I mean, I'm not singling out Joseph.  I meant a particular theater...but I guess I am. Singling one out, that is.

Isn't it sad that most theaters no longer have the real-time, analog marquee info anymore?  You know, those big plastic letters, spelling out the titles and so forth.  I think it's sad. :(

But look at those prices!  No wonder they've gone the way of the Dodo bird.  But then, the Dodo is supposed to be making a comeback...
Anyways.  The staff at the Salem Valley 8 AMC are wonderful.  A nicer bunch of kids you'd ever wanna meet outside of a Taylor Swift concert!  Do you think Tay-Tay got a cut on these?

And did you get a cut on these, Nicole?

Or these?

Which would've been cool (double-dipping betwixt chains or not)!  I mean, how does all that work?  Do they need your permission to put your picture as Atlanna on a Mega-Popcorn Bucket?  Or not?  Or did they ask you and you declined?  Or did you want to be on the bucket and they said..."...test groups only wanted Jason on the bucket and/or Manta; and oddly, Willem Dafoe..."
Nicole, how on Earth did you learn to speak under water!??!

Did you get along with Amber Heard?  Oh, wait...I'm recalling that you didn't.  Nevermind.  Let's get back to maintenance...not of careers; but movie theaters!
So, why is it when I go to this theater, so often, I see heat vapors rising on the screen, as though the projector is about to burst into flames and that renders every movie a Towering Inferno?

Or the squeaking ceiling vent fan that always seems to go off during the quietest moment of the movie.

And don't even get me started, Nicole, on how often I have to go out and inform the staff that the aspect ratio is off and 3/4 of the movie is spilling onto the curtains, the walls and the ceiling.  Here's a little primer on aspect ratio. WARNING: CONTAINS MATH!

So, here's what I think might help.  How about cardboard cut-out standees of you, Nicole, in the lobby, in your movie-going, designer jumpsuit.  Life size.  And you're holding an actual popcorn bucket wherein movie patrons can retrieve the official AMC: MAKING MOVIES BETTER MANIFESTO that outlines all the guaranteed steps AMC is taking to make good on their promise.  Also in the bucket is a hardcopy of the Nutrition Information for all of the various and sundry savories available at the concession stand.  You could do a series of standees depicting you not only in the famous pinstripe suit; but iconic costumes from the World of The Movies.  Scarlett O'Hara's red dress. Princess Leia's all-white day look.  Sharon Stone's Basic Instinct all-white police interrogation outfit.  You as Virginia Woolf, nose and all!  And where is Mattel with the Barbie as Nicole Kidman in the AMC "We Make Movies Better!" promo, Barbie?  Where's AMC with the merch of you from the spot...t shirts...drink cups...popcorn buckets...cel phone cases...etc. etc.  Come on people, let's get crackin'!

Those standeees would probably get jacked pretty quick; but I'm sure you can think of something.  And if you could put in a call to the Salem Valley 8 in Salem, VA; I know the hubs and I would much appreech!
One more question:
Do you think that concession stand employees are instructed to do their jobs as slowly as humanly possible? Or possibly, as three-toed slothly as possible?  Is there some secret, psychological reason?  Is it so that people in line will be more likely to buy more junk-food because they're anxious they're going to miss the beginning of the movie and have been staring at images of food for thirty minutes?  Just wondering...
Oh, and I think you and Sam Neill and Billy Zane should get together and do a sequel to Dead Calm.  I love that movie!  And even though Billy's character dies via distress flare to the kisser, there's got to be a way to bring him back.  Maybe his long lost son comes after you and Sam on the open sea, seeking revenge, a la Captain Ahab.  Computer aging down?  Or maybe Billy's real life daughters could play the part(s)?  I don't know.  But I'll think of something!

CFR   3/20/24

​​​medium.com/@cfreidy/my-date-with-tippi-be027cd4b1bc

...and so, my summation of this whole story was sort of: 

​TIPPI
(V/O as she thinks to herself, flipping through script) ...hmmmm...Marnie II...naaahh...Birds II...yeaaaahhh!

CFR  2/28/24

Published, 2015.

CHRIS
I need to call Teena!

​Chris dials phone:

We hear the sound of the PHONE RINGING through on the other end.

Next, we hear a BUSY SIGNAL:

A CLICK then the following:

CHRIS
Damn! Damn! Damn!
He slams the phone down, dials again and finally a CLICK on the other end and then a WOMAN'S VOICE, which we hear OVER SCENE throughout.
WOMAN
(Groggy) Hello?
CHRIS
Teena?
WOMAN
Is this Chris?
CHRIS
Yeah, it's me.  I need to--
WOMAN
Can this wait?  My Zquil just kicked in.
CHRIS
Sure...I could call you--
WOMAN
Nevermind.  I'm up now.  What is it?
CHRIS
I've been kicked in the ass by Karma!
WOMAN
Karma who?  And by the way, I'm not going by Teena anymore.  Or Teena Fay; or however you want to spell it.
CHRIS
Did you get a cease and desist order from her lawyers?
WOMAN
Oh, no.  Nothing like that.  Tina and I are besties.  I'm just got tired of standing in her shadow, literally.  I was her lighting stand-in for years.
CHRIS
Does that pay anything?
WOMAN 
Shit yeah!  I was pulling in seventy thou a year.
CHRIS
Wow.  Who knew?  So, what should I call you?
WOMAN
How about my actual name: Marissa Jones.
CHRIS
Okay.  Huh.  That sounds wicked familiar...
MARISSA
We were in junior high school together.
CHRIS
Wait a second.  GET OUT!  You're that Marissa Jones!??!
MARISSA
Ding, ding, ding!  

CHRIS
You were like "that girl" in our class, as I recall.
MARISSA
I presume and/or assume you're not talking about Ann Marie.
CHRIS
Ann Marie who?
MARISSA
Marlo--
CHRIS
Yes, I'm kidding.  I was not referring to Marlo Thomas, TV's That Girl!

MARISSA
Yeah.  We established that.
CHRIS
She made, like super-goofy faces on that show.  And she stuck out her tongue a lot.  Did you ever notice that?
MARISSA
No.
CHRIS
So, all this time I've been confabbing with you, you've known who I was?
MARISSA
Yes.
CHRIS
I sense a slight note of hostility in your voice, Marissa.
MARISSA
Well, back in school, you and your friends were always looking down on me.
CHRIS
I only had one friend at the time; so, I'm not sure what you're getting at...
MARISSA
You condescended to me; like I was some kind of ugly duckling that didn't know her ass from her elbow.  Like I was the class Quasimodo.
CHRIS
Well, you kinda were.
MARISSA
See!
CHRIS
Well, if I did, I apologize.  I liked you.  And you were totally clueless.  Are you remembering that time in science class, forty-three years ago, when we were giving you Liza Doolittle lessons?  Trying to give you pointers on maybe getting a clue or two?
MARISSA
Yeah.  Who does that?
CHRIS
Kids who've seen one too many episodes of The Brady Bunch.

CHRIS
Besides, it's not like I was the captain of the cheerleading squad.  I was just trying to help a sister out.  I just found you on Facebook Marissa and I see that you went into cosmetology, got married had kids and seem pretty happy.
MARISSA
Yeah?  So?
CHRIS
Well, maybe that advice we gave you that day stuck in your subconscious and look at you now baby!  
MARISSA
So now you're trying to take credit for my success in life?
CHRIS
Yes.  Yes I am Marissa.  You owe EVERYTHING to me.  Now where's my quarter of a million dollars?
MARISSA
You're a fuitcake!
CHRIS
Oh, you have no idea.  I named my cat Marissa.
MARISSA
You did?  Not--
CHRIS
Yes.  After you.
MARISSA
That's weird.  But kind of nice, I guess.  So, wait...why did you call me again?  Who's Carla?
CHRIS
Karma.  It's about my book.  My first book.
MARISSA
I haven't read it.
CHRIS
Join the club.
MARISSA
What about it?
CHRIS
I came across this other book that came out two years before it and it's like, the exact same thing.  Down to the season of the year.
MARISSA
Don't tell me. Somebody ripped you off and blah, blah, blah-
CHRIS
No.  It came out before mine!
MARISSA
So, you ripped it off?

CHRIS
No!  I had no idea this book existed until just recently.
MARISSA
Sure.  That's what you say.
CHRIS
But seriously.  I didn't!
MARISSA
Allow me to play devil's advocate here, Chris.  You say you didn't; but do you think Bill Gray would agree with you?
CHRIS
Who is Bill Gray?
MARISSA
Duh.  The author of The Summer of 1983.
CHRIS
Oh, right.  Of course.  Well, no...he probably wouldn't.  He'd certainly raise an eyebrow.
MARISSA
Come on Chris.  The summer of 1983?  A gay, seventeenish boy coming of age in a gay, gay way?  Working at a summer job?  Obsessed with sex?  The book covers even share the same neon colors.
CHRIS
But in this case, it really is sheer coincidence!!!
MARISSA
You read it?
CHRIS
No; well, just the excerpt you can look at on Amazon.  And some of its reviews.
MARISSA
Well, if I were to believe you: that you had never laid eyes on this book that is startlingly similar to your own; doesn't this at least point up, quite clearly, the phenomenon of the Zeitgeist and the similar ideas that drift through it?
CHRIS
Yes.  And I completely acknowledge that.  But sometimes you just know when someone has seen your work and was, let's just say, was influenced by it.  And it's usually some tiny detail, rather than the "overall," for lack of a better word.  Apparently, this book is more of a kind of Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll, Summer of '83; minus the Rock and Roll.  One reviewer compared it to Brett Easton Ellis' work.
MARISSA
Oh, so more like Sex and Drugs and thrill killing?
CHRIS
Gee, I don't know about that...
MARISSA
So, did you really name your cat after me?
CHRIS
Yes.
MARISSA
Why?
CHRIS
Your name just stuck in my head.  There were a lot of girls from back then whose names stuck in my head.  Like Brenda Trafficante and Marlena Trepsass.
MARISSA
I've never liked my name.
CHRIS
Oh, no!  You should.  One of the coolest humans ever shares your name!
MARISSA
Who?
CHRIS
Marisa Berenson! With one "S."
MARISSA
Who?

CHRIS
She was in Cabaret and Barry Lyndon.
MARISSA
Don't recall those...
CHRIS
You don't recall Cabaret?
MARISSA
Well, yeah.  Liza Minnelli and that British actor who was in Logan's Run...and tell me Chris, why can we not get a remake of Logan's Run?  Why can we get a half dozen versions of Dune and no Logan's Run?
CHRIS
I've been asking myself that since 1977, Marissa.  But anyways, Marisa Berenson was one of those Model-slash-Actresses who were all the rage in the 60's and 70's who were really more famous for what they wore and who they hung out with and going to like, Studio 54 and so forth.  But I think she was terrific and would've liked to have seen her in more stuff.  Let's take a look!

MARISSA
Yeah. Pretty good.  And pretty.  I like what they did with her hair.
CHRIS
So, I meant to ask you, Marissa...
MARISSA
Yes?
CHRIS
If you were raising a family and working full time in a beauty shop; how did you find time to be Tina Fey's lighting stand-in?  I mean, she's a pretty busy gal, first of all; and then--
There is a sudden CLICK on the line.
CHRIS
Hello?  Marissa?  Are you still there?  Hello?
Chris jiggles the receiver hook.  Then we hear the following:

END

CFR  3/17/2

TINA
What the hell is this?
TEENA
Oh, that was an audition I did for Southwest General.  It's a soap they used to do on Poughkeepsie public access, channel 19.
AMY
What was the part?
TEENA
Well, she was one of three quadruplets--
KATE
I think you mean four...
TEENA
One of them died.  There were like two "good ones" and two "evil ones."  I was the surviving "good one."  She died in a hay baling accident.  I played Tanya.  My sisters were Tonya, Tessa and Tricia.  I would've played all four.
AUBREY
Would have?
TEENA
Yeah, I didn't get it.
KATE
You kinda made it sound like you did.
TEENA
Well I didn't! (starts CRYING).
TINA
Oh grow a pair!  Say, Amy?
AMY
Yeah?
TINA
I don't remember doing that Old Navy commecial with you.  When did we do that?
AMY
Oh, that wasn't you.
TINA
Who was it?
AMY
An actress.
TINA
What was her name?
AMY
Ah, I don't recall...
TEENA
Isn't her name Tina Fey too?  But doesn't she spell it T-E-A-N-A-H, P-H-E-I-G-H?
AUBREY
Oh, yeah.  I know her.  She came out of Bechdel Test NYU.  She's freakin' hilare!
KATE
Speakin of "hilare..." I really want to know why--
TINA
I want to know why I wasn't in that Old Navy commercial, Amy.

AMY
You couldn't do it, as I recall.
TINA
I couldn't?
AMY
Or wouldn't.
TINA
Because I wasn't asked.
AMY
I remember: Stets advised you not to because he didn't want you to be "overexposed."
TINA
Oh, okay, like too many commercials?
AMY
No, I think he meant too many low cut blouses.
TINA
What!??!  How dare you!!!
KATE
She's not wrong, Tina.
TINA
Excuse me?
TEENA
We do kinda, Tina--
TINA
You stay out of this!
AUBREY
Ya sorta do work that rack, Tina.

KATE
I have to agree with--
Tina administers a Three Stooges quadruple slap to the other four.  A Three Stooges special ensues: The Five Stoogettes.

TINA
Why I oughta...
AMY
Enough of this!  Can't you see Chris is trying to divide and conquer?  Sisters, we need to present a united front!
The ladies stand together, link arms and thrust out their chests.

CHRIS
There's another million-dollar idea!  An all female verision of The Three Stooges.  Laurie, May and Curly-Sue!  Surely they're in the Public Domain by now!
KATE
Wouldn't work Chris.  Women roundly detest The Three Stooges.
CHRIS
All women?  Everywhere?
KATE
Pretty much...(The others nod their heads in total agreement).
CHRIS
I'm one of them, there, "gay sophisticates"; and even I love them.
AUBREY
You need to have bangers and a side of mash to like them.
CHRIS
Why? Because men are funnier than women?  Which is why I'm funnier than Tina.
TINA
Oh!  Oh!  This is WAH-WUH, Sir! 
(She slaps Chris across the face with a leather glove).
CHRIS
Well, it's true.  It's scientifically proven.
Chris produces a binder that says: FACT VS. FUNNY, which Tina grabs, opens and begins to disdainfully flip the pages of.
CHRIS
A study was completed in 2019 by The University of North Carolina and The University of Aberystwyth, proving Men are FUNNIER than Women.  And no one knows funny like North Carolinians and the Welsh!
TINA, TEENA, AMY, KATE AND AUBREY
(All) BULL!!!
CHRIS
Sorry girls; it's SCIENCE.  Natural selection.  Charles Darwin would agree.  And nobody could toss a withering quip like old Chuck.  He was specktack at it!
TINA
Chris, stop trying to make "specktack" happen.  "Specktack" is not going to happen!
CHRIS
Speaking of Mean Girls, Tina; you'd appreciate this article:

TINA
You want a burn book, Chris?  Well, here's your burn book!
Tina drops the notebook on the floor.  Amy produces lighter fluid and starts squirting.  Aubrey produces a pack of matches and lights one.  Tina holds up the cocktail napkin contract and winks at Chris. The match drops in slow-motion. "These Boots Are Made For Walkin'" begins to play as the book goes up in flames and the women walk away...

CHRIS
Wait!  I was joking!  I love female comics!  I think Madeline Kahn was the funniest person ever!  Of any gender!

But it's no use.  The Funny Ladies are gone.  Chris produces a fire extinguisher and puts the flames out.  He sits, cross-legged on the floor and pokes at the ashes.
CHRIS
"Finders fee"? Try "losers fee..."
Teena Fay sneaks back and sits next to him.
TEENA
So, what did any of this have to do with all that galaxy business?
CHRIS
I don't know.  I guess I was thinking of the Big Picture and whether any of this stuff like fame, commercial endorsements, Making It All the Way to the Super Bowl and being funnier than anyone else even matters.
TEENA
I guess it does.  We seem preoccupied with it, so it must, right?
CHRIS
A friend of mine just died.  He was a year younger than me.  He was sort of my whole world when the whole world was new.  I used to talk with him about this stuff.  He was one of the few people on this Earth that I would want to share those preoccupations with.  Now he's gone.  Where did he go?  Why did he go now?  I had so many bridges to go back over with him.  At least, that was the plan.  My plan.  Obviously, someone else had other plans.  We used to sit at his kitchen table; kids; and dream.  And smoke.  He died of lung cancer.  And we used to joke about it.

TEENA
Kids will be kids.
CHRIS
Yes.  They will.
TEENA
Come on.  Let's go sit at a table somewhere and dream some more.
CHRIS
Okay.

A little more...

Fin
​CFR  2/19/2

But does it?
An Open Letter To Nicole Kidman and AMC.
Okay, Nick; we need to talk.
I wrote a blog about the whole Balenciaga thing, which I will not get into again (I took it down because the whole thing gave me the creeps, for reals); suffice to say, as that whole kerfuffle has apparently blown over and is already forgotten, I would advise any and all brand ambassadors to just back away from that joint.  They keep putting everyone in jet black.  Okay, first...Isabelle Hupert?  Why?  Talk about a niche rep.  It's not even a French brand (well, not technically).  Does anyone in America even know who she is?  I mean, I do.  I even saw Greta, at a theater, during Covid.  Well, it wasn't during Covid; but it sure felt like it!  We were the only people in the theater.  I mean, am I  the only one who is thinking about Heaven's Gate whenever I see her?  Isabelle, ya burnt! 
I mean, I get Kim K. getting on board.  Arguably, people are still talking about that get-up she wore to the Met Gala where she looked liked a bodacious Grim Reaperette. You go Kim!  But Nick...black?  No!  No my lady!  Your skin is too pale for black.  You need to be in pinks and greens and a color that Pops.  Think light as air Spring Florals.  Jewel tones.  And why are you doing Balenciaga pret a porter?  Why aren't you doing their haute couture gowns?  They're actually quite pretty and mucha la feminina.  Please stay away from black, Nick.  Here are some Balenciaga looks I would pick for you.  Or, you could check out this vid.  I would put you in that specktack magenta number at the 16.44 mark (I'd even let you keep the black gloves...no, wait, I wouldn't.  Brown gloves!  Who does brown taffeta opera gloves?  You Nick, that's who!!!):

Speaking of clothes.  Let's talk jumpsuits.  And I think you know which jumpsuit I'm talking about...

Now wait a sec.  Is that a jumpsuit?  Or is it two pieces?  Because, if it's one piece, would it really need a belt? A few questions here.  
1. Do you go to the movies by yourself often?
2. When you do go to the movies by yourself, do you always get that dressed up?
3. Does getting dressed up to go to the movies make you feel good?
4. Are you planning to see Ghost Busters: Frozen Empire?
4A. Does "busting" make you feel good?
5. If you are planning on seeing Ghost Busters: Frozen Empire by yourself, dressed to the nines, will you be wearing your hooded rain-coat, as it will be March, more than likely; or perhaps April and it may be a little rainy.
6. Where is this AMC theater that has a coat-check?
6A. Would you jump Paul Rudd's bones if you weren't married and/or he wasn't married?  Do you find him attractive or just too much of a goof-ball.  Or is "goof-ball" in your Pro column? Why haven't you worked with him?  I mean, you worked with Nick Cage, Nick.  Did you two get confused on the set of Trespass when people called for "Nick"?  How did Trespass even happen?  How about you and Paul do a remake of The Thin Man?  That could be fun!  I mean, I've never seen a Thin Man movie, but I have seen clips.  They look darling! And the mystery franchise, I think we can all agree, is Red Hot again! I think that would be a good project for you two, don't you?
7. Where did that drink come from?  Is it a Coke?  Diet Orange Fanta?  Grape Nehi? Or is it a combo drink, like a Lemon-Mountain-Dewska or a Diet-Dr.-Sprite-Canada-Dry-Pibb?  Or is it some Australian soda that you smuggled in? A Bundaberg Ginger Beer, perhaps?
8. Did you actually sit through Jurassic World, Wonder Woman, La La Land and Creed?  I mean, you must've been there all day!  Were you?
9. And why haven't you done a movie with Naomi Watts?  Is it because she wants to do a remake of Persona?

Might I suggest, Nick, a vehicle for you and Naomi?
How about a remake of Jacques Demy's Les Demoiselles de Rochefort?  Now, I've never seen it, but I have seen clips; and it looks darling!  It was his follow up to The Umbrellas of Cherbourg, which is one of my all-time favs!  "Les Demoiselles" means "young girls" or "young ladies" in French.  Now, hear me out Nicks.  I now you and Naomi are really no longer "girls."  Or "young ladies."  Yes, you are most decidedly "ladies"; as in "classy dames."  But I don't think we can claim the title "young."  That is, in the literal sense.  I mean, I'm sure you are both "young at heart."  But, like me, you are both in your mid-50's.  (I guess for me, it's officially my late 50's!). Oh my God.  Is that even possible?  I know in my head I'm still pretty much the same person I was when I was...gee, I'm gonna say, twelve?  Eleven even? (I was always an old soul).  But I must admit, I experience "stiffness" when getting up from my desk(!) and I notice wrist wrinkles at the right angle in the light from my reading lamp.  But, I think you could still pull it off.  I mean, Catherine Deneuve and her sister didn't really look all that demoiselle-ish when they made this back in '67.  Let's take a look!

Hmmm...I seem to be having trouble posting clips of this.  I'll work on it.  But bonus: if you did this as period, you'd get to smoke!  I don't know if either of you smoke, used to smoke, are smokers or are trying to quit: but if you are, this gives you an excuse!
So, I'm having trouble here loading a Youtube video of the trailer for this movie.  Let me try something else...please hold...(Muzak version of "The Theme from Mondo Kane"):

Please continue to hold and your call will be answered in the order it was received...
Sorry, I can't seem to post any Youtube clips from "...Rochefort."  Nick, if you're interested, you can do your own research.  Did you know that the two female leads, who are female, fraternal twins, were played by Catherine Deneuve and her real life sister?  Well, they were!  They didn't do their own singing though.  Now we all know you can sing Nick-Nick, but can Naomi?  Let me see if I can find a clip of her singing.  Please hold...
​So, here's the only clip I found of Naomi singing.

I think we have an excellent baseline abilitiy here; and Nicky-nick; I'm sure you can guide Naomi through it!

Whatever happened to Robbie Williams?  Good grief...I remembered this song playing over the end credtis of a movie and started to wonder about it.  Was it a Nicole Kidman movie?  I did some digging.  It didn't take much.  It played over the closing credits of a movie she made...wait for it...TWENTY-THREE MOFO YEARS AGO!  How can that be? What kind of warp are we living in the weft of the Time-Space continuum?  Madam Web was set in 2003 for some reason.  If they hadn't of put that up on the screen, I wouldn't have known.  It's like there are no markers anymore for where we are in the Universal scheme of things!!!
That being said; so whatever did become of Robbie Williams and Nicole's co-star, Mr. Ben Chaplin in Birthday Girl, the movie of which we dare not speak?  Before I get into that, I just wanted to mention that I saw Birthday Girl at the movie theater, with my then boyfriend, now husband.  I was trying to recall anything about it.  I could only remember the song from the credits and wondering why a film set in England didn't seem like it was actually in England because ants figured into the plot and they didn't look like any ants I would ever imagine living in England...because they weren't.  They were weird ass Australian ants because they filmed parts of the movie there.
So, here's our latter day Mr. Williams:

OMG.  Get me a cold compress, pronto!  

He's kinda turned into Morrissey's hot younger brother; with none of the pretense!
And what happened to Ben Chaplin, who was kind of poised for leading man status?  Here he is in a shot from Birthday Girl:

Yeah, I can see why he was poised.  This scene goes on for some time, with Ben struggling against his bonds.  It even has a lengthy close-up of his feet (if you're into that kind of thing...which I definitely am not!).  Let's check him out twenty odd years later:

Well, that's from 2017.  Close enough.  And hey, I wouldn't kick him out of bed for applying Plexiderm, am I right people?
But "sex god"?  I don't know.  Can any man who's British be a "sex god"?  Or woman for that matter?  Yeah, you're thinking Sean Connery; but he was Scottish.  British people, no matter how attractive or well built they are, simply can not be "sexy."  Being sexy requires a certain amount of guilt.  You know...it's kind of wrong that I'm so hot.  It's a sin that I'm turning you on.  There needs to be a certain amount of Puritanical frisson happening.  The British kicked the Puritans out, if you'll recall.  And even when Brits get all hot and bothered; there's still a certain amount of being above it all.  You need a large dollop of "I really shouldn't be doing this..." for sex to truly get to Olympian heights (or depths!). N'est- ce pas? 
Gee, I still haven't posed any questions about how AMC "makes movies better."  I guess I'll get into that in part two of this blog.  In the meantime, let's talk movie project!
So Nick, rather than a straight up remake of The Young Girls of Rochefort; how about something in that vein?  You know, a kind of Jacques Demy inspired musical, in English (so you wouldn't have to remember French lyrics (or maybe you speak French?).  Something like La La Land! Now there was a musical you loved.  I mean, you sat through it by yourself at AMC cineplex in Porter Ranch, CA.  I can see why you went forty minutes out of your way to go there!

So here's the skinny:
The movie is about two sisters, natch, who run a dance academy.  The sisters are played by yourself and Naomi, natch. Our working title is Les Belle Dames Qui Dansent.  That means: The Beuatiful Ladies who Dance, more or less.  So, the basic plot is that these two sisters run a dance school for girls in a city where it rains a lot, so we can get in a number in the rain, with umbrellas all over the place.  Seattle comes to mind, of course.  But let's go with San Francisco.  The City by the Bay needs a boost, methinks.  Seattle has the Space Needle, sure; but that's about it, location-wise.  Oh, and that fish market where they're really mean to the fish.  San Fran has endless visual appeal.  And lots of moody weather, including rain.  So, we're setting it there.  Of course, if we're setting it in America and the sisters native language is English, I guess we really don't need the title in French.  But what if they were raised in France and relocated to San Francisco...because...they had to raise their nephew...who was orphaned when his parents perished in an...accident at the winery they ran in Napa Valley.  They drowned when a basement was flooded with wine during an earthquake.  Or better yet; since Naomi likes super-heavy drama, she plays Timothee Chalamet's mother, who went off the deep-end when she witnessed her husband drown in the wine and then she was committed to a sanitarium.  Nicole, Timothee's aunt, raised him while she was running the dance school and at the start of the picture, Naomi is being released.  Meanwhile, a big Movie Star comes to the school for dance lessons because he's going to remake Singin' in the Rain.  He could be played by Robbie Williams!!!  He bonds with Timothee, marries Naomi and they all live happily ever after!  I LOVE this!  And we'd have to recreate this for the movie:

Ben Chaplin can be in this too.  He could be the husband/brother-in-law who dies in the wine disaster!  So, he's in the opening scenes; and then later, he appears as a ghost that only Nicole can see, guiding her through the bumps and gentle misunderstandings of familial discourse (and jazz and tap!).  It all culminates in a Big Cable Car Number on Telegraph Hill by way of Lombard Street across The Golden Gate Bridge.  We could work in a Rice-A-Roni collab too.  And I think we should go for broke and have a fashion house supply the costumes.  Or a designer.  How about Christian Siriano?  His work is decidedly dramatic, if not theatrical:

Or how about Zac Posen?  His work is entirely the polar opposite of Chris':

Well, maybe not.  A little more understated, but also uber-dramatique!  Perhaps we could hire both and they could meet in the middle.  But could two Scorpios have a meeting of the minds; or would it be Chaos-Astrologicus?  Whatever the case, Zac is in(!)  That boy is hot!  That's Posen, posin' on the far right.  And poppin' out of his poplin, below:

Zac, would it kill you to give us some nippage?

I seem to have wandered a bit far afield; but before I get to some hard questions Nicole, regarding the hard running of a physical AMC plant; I have to ask: just what was going on in that music video with Mr. Williams?  So, he gives you a purse for Christmas.  A heart-shaped, rhinestone-bedazzled purse on a chain.  Later in the video, it appears strategically placed in your bathing suit area as Mr. Williams appears to go looking for something in it.  Why is your purse in your lap in this heated moment?  What is he hoping to find in your purse?  A piece of Dentyne?  You know, four out of five dentists surveyed recommend it for their patients who chew gum!  Is he supposed to be a dentist?

Please see: "An Open Letter To AMC Care of Nicole Kidman" for the second part!

CFR  2/28/24

TAYVIS
Or how about:
SWELLCEY
Let's see if one of 'em sticks.  By tomorrow maybe?

CFR  2/10/2

CHRIS REIDY
Say Teena...don't you think that all those galaxies, side by side, look like plankton?  Or sea-shells?  Mother of Pearl, maybe?  And isn't it ironic, don't you think, that a lot of plankton is, like diatoms; because, like you know it's like one-celled and a galaxy must be composed of a like, ten zillion-sex-atillion--
TEENA FAY
Huh?
CHRIS
Teena, you aren't even listening to me, are you?
TINA FEY
I know I'm not.
CHRIS
Is it really you?
TINA
Who?
CHRIS
The real Tina Fey?
TINA
​Take a picture, it lasts longer.

TINA
Well, maybe not that picture...So Chris, I thought you were taking a break from blogging so you could go finish something on Medium.  What gives?
CHRIS
Well Tina; I'm not sure I want to discuss this with you.
TINA
Fine. Don't.  No leaves off my tea-bag--
TEENA
I want to talk about it!  What is it, Chris?
CHRIS
I guess I kinda can't not talk about it.  So, tonight, I get this article in my phone feed: "Super Bowl Commercials Getting the Most Buzz!"  Guess what had the first bullet point?
TINA
Gee, I have nooooooo ideeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhh...
TEENA
What!  What had the first bullet point?
CHRIS
Oh, a little something about Tina Fey impersonators.
TEENA
I'm a Tina Fey Impersonator!
CHRIS
No shit.
He holds up phone and shows Teena the following:

TEENA
What are you getting at, Chris?

TEENA
I still don't get it...
TINA
He's gonna tell you I stole his "Multiple Tina Fey/Professional Tina Fey Impersonator"(TM/Reg./Pat.Pend.All Rights--oh, wait, I didn't do that for this.  Shit!) idea.
CHRIS 
You said it, I didn't.
TEENA
Well did you?!!?
TINA
Of course not.  How could you even entertain such a notion?
TEENA
But Chris featured me in like, four or five blogs over the past several years, wherein we discussed IP theft, amongst other things.
TINA
Yeah?  And?
CHRIS
Say, hey, Tina Fey--
TINA
Yaya?
CHRIS
You're a Taurus, aren't you?
TINA
Damn straight.  With a Leo rising.  Born on May 18th, 1970!
TEENA
I'm a Leo!
CHRIS
I'm a Sagittarius, Teena; and we get along spectack, with Leos!  But Taurus...not so much.
TINA
Your loss.
CHRIS
However, quite interestingly, one of my very best friends is a Taurus, born on May 17th.  I wonder what Harvey Sid Fisher would say?
TINA
Who the frig is Harvey Sid Fisher?

TINA
What the hell was that?
CHRIS
The Taurus movement of his "Zodiac Suite."
TEENA
What sign is he?
CHRIS
Sagittarius!!!
TINA
Fine, I'll bite. So, why don't Taurus and Sagittarius get along?
CHRIS
I think it's a baseline competition over who has the biggest balls.  'Cuz you know...bulls...and Sag is half horse--
TINA
I get it.
TEENA
I don't get it.
TINA
Where did you find her?
CHRIS
At a Roanoke, Virginia improv group: The Downright Denizens Deployment.

TINA
Looks like it.  So, anyhoose.  What's with all this metaphysical shit about parallel universes and galaxies, spiral and otherwise?
CHRIS
I'd rather not talk about it.  It's a tad on the dark side...like a black hole.
TEENA
That's one of my favorite movies!
TINA
Me too!  So underrated.  Some of Ernest Borgnine and Yvette Mimieux's best work!
CHRIS
How did I know we just couldn't keep Disney out of this?

TINA
Nice going Chris.  You know that's gonna get pulled down in a tight ten.
CHRIS
Whatever.  So Tina, tell me.  How many products and/or services have you done commercials for?
TINA
Gee, I don't know.  I never counted.
TEENA
Oh, hey Tina, 'memba this?  Was it our first?

TEENA
Oh, wow!  Oh, Tina; I loved that vest!  Whatever happened to that vest?
TINA
Stop talking to me!  Who are you?
TEENA
I'm you, Tina.
TINA
No. I'm me!
TEENA
(Singing) I am she as you are she and you are me and we are all together.  I am the egg m'aam.  I am the--
TINA
The Beatles?  Sixty years ago called.  They want their song back.
CHRIS
Tina, do you think Lorne Michaels is in on who "the walrus" really was?  Or is?
TINA
Trust me.  You don't want to know if he knows.
CHRIS
Works for me!  So, anyways.  By my count; if you don't include that questionable financial institution; you've officially plugged four things: Garnier hair care, American Express, All-State Insurance and now Booking.com!
TINA
Mutual Savings Bank is a highly trusted organization serving the southside of Indianapolis for over one hundred and thirty years!  With some of the highest interest rates in the great state of Indiana!
TEENA
I got an AM/FM alarm-clock radio when I opened my account!
CHRIS
Did that Mutual Savings hair-do lead to the Garnier gig?

TINA
Ah, no.  No it didn't.  Why are we talking about this?
CHRIS
I know, I, for one, am interested in these sorts of things.  Like, did you really think you could pull off chartreuse?  Was that really Garnier hair goo in your hair at the 12 second mark?  Did you actually apply the product yourself and achieve those stunning Rodeo Drive results in your own bathroom?  Did you realize the music in this spot sounds almost exactly like the music from "The Tony Lacey Party" scene in Annie Hall?
TINA
I never saw that.
CHRIS
Oh please.  You saw it.  In its original theatrical run.  I saw it at the Camp LeJeune Marine Corps. base drive-in!  We're like the same age.
TEENA
We are?  I thought you were fifty-eight...
CHRIS
I meant the other Tina.  And by the way, other Tina, you totally owned that chartreuse blouse!  And you looked amaze-balls!  Who did the lighting?  It really is EVERYTHING, isn't it?
TINA
Do you think flattery is going to get you anywhere with me?
CHRIS
I suppose that depends on where we're trying to get.  Wink, wink!  Oh, and speaking of lighting--I just found the most amazing place for awesome-sauce, totally specktack pix!
TEENA & TINA
(Simultaneously)
WHERE!??!
CHRIS
Kroger's supermarket!
TINA
Oh.  Really?  We used to get our midnight munchies there when I was in college.  I thought the lighting was harsh.
CHRIS
Well, you were stoned...
TINA
Now you're making assumptions.  Do you really think the gal in that Mutual Savings Bank did drugs?
TEENA & CHRIS
(Simultaneously) Yes!
TEENA
You know, Kroger's in-store brand is really pretty good.  Their vanilla ice cream is the bomb!
CHRIS
I know, right!  And so affordable.  It's like five bucks for a tub.  A tub!
TINA
So glad you two get off on buddy ice-cream; but I'm about to leave, 'cuz I have way better things to do.
TEENA
Hang out with Amy Poehler?  ...hate to tell you Tina, but she talks about you behind your back.
TINA
Bull!  You're just trying to get in my head.  You're trying to psych me out!
CHRIS
Well, she is a Masshole, Tina...
TEENA
Yeah.  That broad is from Burlington.  They had a Building 19 there!
CHRIS
Building 19 and a half, wasn't it?
TEENA
Yeah--
TINA
You know, against my better wishes and common sense impulses; I'm going to continue this coversation.  (Ahems). So, tell me Chris, about this Kroger photo-op.
CHRIS
I knew you'd want to hear this!  So, the other day I'm in the beer aisle and they have this closed-circuit monitor hanging down from the ceiling.  But it comes down to eye level.  Why?  Well, when you approach it, it turns on and shows you an image of yourself, in the aisle; and a message reading "Recording in Progress" flashes at the bottom.
TEENA
Chris, you were on TV?!!?
CHRIS
Well, yes...but just in the Kroger beer aisle.  
TEENA
You should be on real TV!
CHRIS
Well, shucks.  Gee, thanks Teena.  And you know...I have done my fair share of local commercials...
TINA
So, it's okay for you to shill, but not me?
CHRIS 
I'm not a multi-millionairess, Tina.  But I don't judge.  So, here's me on Kroger TV!!!

TINA
Hmmmm...I gotta admit...not bad...
CHRIS
Do you think I look a little like George Clooney there, Tina?
TINA
Sure.  The Kroger version.
TEENA
Your skin looks dewey fresh, Chris; and your eyes really pop!  And I love that jacket!
CHRIS
It's vintage Calvin Klein.
TINA
Oh, I just had dinner with Calvin Klein the other night.  The actual person.
CHRIS
I had a bit of a blemish on my nose; but otherwise, this is un-retouched.  I'm almost sixty and I still get zits.  And usually right on the end of my nose.
TINA
Okay.  I really could care less about your experiences with adult acne.  I'm outie!
CHRIS
Well, running away from this isn't going to change the fact that you were inspired by me.
TINA
Oh, I was?
TEENA
Well, weren't you?
TINA
You stay out of this.  So, you really think, Chris, that I need to troll the web to find comedic inspiration?  How do you think I got to be a millionairess?  I can come up with my own ideas.  That's why they pay me the Big Bucks.
CHRIS
Well, I am funnier than you.
TINA
Excuse me?
CHRIS
You heard me.
TEENA
Yeah, you heard him.
TINA
You think you're funnier than me?  Well, pal, you keep the word funnier out your effin' mouth!
Tina attempts to slap Chris, but he ducks and she nails Teena.
TEENA
Why you!
Tina and Teena proceed to have a rousing Girl Fight.  Pillows appear and it turns into a Sensual Pillow Fight.

CHRIS
Tina, you're at WAR with yourself!
At this point, AMY POEHLER, KATE MCKINNON and AUBREY PLAZA rush in.  We hear the DING-DING of a trip gong:

AMY POEHLER
Teenaz, please!
KATE MCKINNON
Don't stop them, this is hot!  I'll take this over Mayo Kitty, any day!
AUBREY PLAZA
Damn, straight!
AMY
This is a disgusting display of the male gaze!
CHRIS
I think you mean "the male gays"!
AMY
Ladies, put some clothes on!  We must restore decorum!  Put these robes on!
SNL "Five Timers Club" robes are draped over the Tinas and they retreat to their corners.
AMY
Now what's this all about?
TEENA
Chris says he's funnier than Tina.
AMY
And just who the fuck is this "Chris"?
CHRIS
That would be me.  Nice to meet you Amy.  I'm from Saugus!
AMY
The town with the orange dinosaur?
CHRIS
Yes!
AMY
I wouldn't brag about it.
CHRIS
And just what's so great about Burlington?
AMY
Well, let's see...ah...uhhhmmm....well...there's the...uhh....
TINA
The mall.  It has a Nordstrom's!

CHRIS
Now, can I ask you gals a few questions?
KATE
Sure, if you'll stop calling us "gals."
CHRIS
Sure.  Now you dames all have a lot in common.  In fact, in many ways, intersecting careers.  And now, mucho exposure in television commercials; and at least three of you have gone all the way to the Superbowl, Clarice.  So, do you share; or can you recommend an agent that specializes in this field?  And by field, I don't necessarily mean football, am I right ladies?
We hear HALF-HEARTED TITTERS from the gals--I mean Women.  Strong, independent, WOMEN.
AUBREY
Ah, sure Chris.  We all work a lot with Sammy "Stets" Tubbs.  And did you know "Tina" means "tub," in Spanish?
ALL
(Overlapping)  Really....wow....gee, who knew?  I had no idea...you don't say...I don't remember that in Spanish class...etc.

CHRIS
I really like his glasses.  Oh, hey...I just got a million dollar idea!
TEENA
What's that Chris?
CHRIS
I don't want to say; unless I can get a guaranteed finder's fee...Tina?
TINA
Sure.  Whatever you want Chris.  
CHRIS
Just sign here on this cocktail napkin.
Tina scribbles something on the napkin.
CHRIS
Okay.  Tina, I can't believe you haven't already thought of this.
TINA
(SIGHS) What...
CHRIS
Why, it's as plain as the nose on your face!
ALL
What?
CHRIS
Glasses!  Tina needs to launch a line of eyewear; just like Jamie Foxx and Sofia Vagaria and Eugene Levy Jr. and Lisa Earlobe, et. al.!
TINA
Say, that is a good idea...
CHRIS
Well, that band-wagon is starting to get crowded.  You better get crakin'!
TINA
I'm calling Stets now!
CHRIS
That is phat, grrrlll!  And that'll be a quarter of a million dollars please--
TINA
Hold that thought; his secretary just put me through.
KATE
Well, I, for one, am waiting to hear how you are funnier than Tina, Chris.
CHRIS
Well, I'm glad you asked Kate.  And I'll tell you why, after this word from our sponsor.

So, ah, this little discourse seems like it's going to go on for some time longer than I'd planned (women! am I right people?).
Please see: Tinas and Me: or Let's Get Metaphysical: Part 2

CFR  2/16/24

​INT. BOARDROOM -DAY
Marlon, Honoria (now dressed as a woman but still wearing a false mustache) and the rest of the Business Team are watching the following commercial:

When it is over, the screen goes black and the lights go up.  Marlon pulls off his tie and undoes a third button on his shirt.
MARLON
Thoughts?
SIDE-NOTE:
As this is a teleplay, I should describe the commercial they're watching.  So I will.  Let's back it up.
​INT. BOARDROOM -DAY
Marlon, Honoria (now dressed as a woman but still wearing a false mustache) and the rest of the Business Team are watching the following commercial:
INT.  APARTMENT -DAY
A handsome Japanese man, dressed casually, is seated on a sofa.  CLOSE on the windows as four women dressed like Michael Keaton as Beetlejuice if Bob Mackie had designed the costume, materialize through the windows and dance/fly around the man. He begins SINGING in Japanese. A peppy-jazzy number.  What is he singing about?  Tjhere are no subtitles; but we can glean it has something to to with air-quality.  Suddenly, a red and green aerosol can goes flinging through the room and he catches it.  When he does, he's zapped into a red and green metallic suit that looks like something Willy Wonka might have in his closet.  He sprays the women and they evaporate into thin air and then he flips his collar and exits.
When it ends, the screen goes black and the lights go up.  Marlon pulls off his tie and undoes a third button on his shirt.
MARLON
Thoughts?
BUSINESS WOMAN SUSAN
Are we sure this is for air freshner?  
MARLON
What do you mean?
SUSAN
Well, the women looked like bugs to me.  They had wings.
HONORIA
This is what they sent over.  I'm assuming it's for air freshner.
Marlon touches his top lip, indicating his mustache.  Honoria touches the fake one she is wearing.
HONORIA
Oh!  I got so used to having this on.
She peels it off and puts it in her purse.  There is a computer screen at the space where Ted had been sitting.  He is now attending the meeting "virtually": that is: off-site, from his hospital bed, still in a body cast that also encases most of his head.
TED
(Muffled, sort of like ADULT VOICES FROM PEANUTS or Kenny from South Park)  Haaawwhhh, pwaffwa, mwaffa, mawaffa-waffa-waffa!
MARLON
I agree Ted.  They could very well represent "stank," bro-bro.
BUSINESS MAN GARY
I like his suit.  Very Christmassy!
HONORIA
It's red and green because it matches the can.  Anyways, they basically want the same exact thing, inside a car.
MARLON
Fantastic!  I'll get Gary on that.  Let's hear a round of applause for Honoria!
EVERYONE APPLAUDS
MARLON
Meeting adjourned.  Honoria, hang back for a second.
Everyone files out.
MARLON
Now it's time for you to handle that Vermont sitch.
HONORIA
Fine.  Can I take Jurgin with me?
MARLON
Yeah.  He'll be driving.  You'll be taking my car.
HONORIA
We're driving? What about your jet?
MARLON
​It's in the shop.  I love your hair that way.
HONORIA
(Sheepishly, running a hand through it) Thanks.

Yes!
Why?
Why not!
You see, about a year ago...wait, was it two years ago?  I guess it was.  Where does the freakin' time go?  Anyway, I sponsored a contest of sorts.  All you had to do was send me a post-card by Saint Patrick's day of 2023 and you would receive an original signed artwork by me: Christopher F. Reidy.  It was kind of a test to see if anyone was reading my blogs.  Well, nobody sent me a post-card, so nobody got any Aht.  Recently, I was looking at my "on-line" footprint, and that post popped up; which says to me, that whoever is out there looking at this was looking at that.  So, I'm gonna do it again.  And this time I'm expanding!​
Why?
Why not!

So, this time, there is no cut-off; officially, that is.  It's when I decide it's over.  And, of course, it all depends on if anyone actually sends me a post-card this time.  Or a SASE (look it up whipper-snappers).
So...
All you gotta do is, this.  Send me the post-card or SASE.  Tell me about your likes and interests and/or if you're interested in any of the art featrued here or on my website's ART page.  You may get that.  Or you may get what I decide is right for you; like those big-headed Sushi chefs are always doing.  It will be personally autographed by moi.  So what have you got to lose?  I know that if I was you and I saw this, I would totally do it.  But I don't have to, since all of this art is in my possession.  But what of that?  Is Art not supposed to be shared?  
Keep those cards and letters coming to:
ART CONTEST @
Christopher F. Reidy
Turquoise Raven Productions
103 Woodvale Court
Vinton, Virginia
24179 
USA

I am not a foot fetishist!

CFR   2/1/24