Why wouldn't I make a very good, goodfella?
Well, I'd end up the guy getting stabbed in the neck with a pen. I'd be the guy who tells a goombah he's funny and then have to explain why he was funny. Funny like a clown? Funny strange? I'd be the lackey who gets lackey whacked because he looked at some wiseguy the wrong way. I'd end up being buried in the basement of the Italian-American lodge because I got Louie Two-Fingers his two fingers in a high-ball instead of a low-ball.
BTW: somebody should develop a movie franchise or deluxe HBO fantasy series built around Colin. It's set in Ireland and Colin is...The King of the Leprechauns! But, he's human sized with the magical abilities to change size, form, sex(!); whatever! And he can time travel. I love this! And Colin will need no prosthetics or gimmicky make-up. He's already elfin. But like HOT elfin. His costumes are like, loin cloths, puffy shirts unbuttoned to his navel, green suede lederhosen, those leather Alpine suspenders, unbelted robes that are always falling open, chain-mail cod-pieces; that sort of thing. That is, when he's actually dressed. This show will be known for its full-frontal (and backal) nudity and NC-17 "love" scenes. The show also has banshees, fairies, Fomorians etc. (did you know Irish folk-lore has all kinds of creepy creatures? Ones you never heard of that will make this show fresh!) I may have to stop right here and develop this myself. Colin, if you're reading this, call me! (540-520-1974)!
Pacino (in the hands of Coppola, of course) may have been the originator; but it's probably Scorsese who has shaped the images of the Mafia archetypes more than anyone in the collective consciousness. So much so, that much of what was original in his work is now cliche. I was never into the TV show The Sopranos; but I did recently see the weird movie prequel: The Many Saints of Newark (a Sopranos Story). Is that last bit officially part of the title? Remember that stupid title "Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire" and how they actually expected people to use that full title during awards season?
The Sopranos movie was bad. I'm sorry; but it was bad. It was an extremely well-made "bad" movie. So, the main character (spoilers ahead) not only commits fratricide (no, wait...it was his own father! Patricide) and gets away with it; but then he drowns his wife on a public beach in broad daylight and gets away with that too?
Really? She'd already been pushed down the stairs by his father, her first husband, for air-drying her douche-bag. She has the morals of an alley-cat which has been well established by this point in the picture. She knows hubs has a volatile temper and an itchy trigger finger; so now she's driven by guilt to confess this one night stand? I don't think so. Why is she suddenly that incredibly stupid at this point in the movie? Well, so we can have the shock scene of what comes next; which I'll give the filmmakers. It was an incredible, shocking and startling scene. A scene we've never seen before. But it cheated. So Alessandro Nivola playing the protagonist of the movie (Dickie Moltisanti) drowns his beautiful young wife in the roiling surf, both of them formally dressed and the last shot of the sequence is of the wife floating in the waves. Cut to: some time later. Wait a second. How in hell did Dickie clean-up this spontaneous killing? Broad daylight, on a New Jersey beach, fully clothed and sopping wet with a sopping wet corpse and a two-seat sports car. Show me how he dealt with that, movie. But they didn't. They completely glossed over it, with nary another mention of the wife. Sorry, life doesn't work like that; even in the movies.
Mr. Nivola was quite excellent in his role. I do, however, think he was miscast. A character who is so hot headed that he can kill his father by blunt force trauma requires an actor who seems like he might, somewhere deep inside, be capable of that. You know, one of those creepy actors who sometimes you don't know if they're acting or just being; like James Woods. Or Jack Nicholson. Or Walken. Or a non-creepy actor who can tap into creepiness, like, say, Jon Hamm or Kyle MacLachlan. Those types. Mr. Nivola just doesn't have that demented, crazy gleam in his eyes. Some actors don't. There's nothing wrong with that. I think he'd make a better all-around action hero type. He just doesn't seem like he has a single mean bone in his body. But he is a Masshole, so he gets a pass (and probably does have that mean bone somewhere).
But the worst thing about their lifestyle is, I would think, the constant fear of being whacked. Again, I'm talking only about fictional mobsters (I mean, heh-heh, I've heard some very nice things about the mob. I know someone who knew John Gotti and she had nothing but nice things to say! And also, I went to a mostly Italian Catholic high school in East Boston: Saint Dominic Savio; and I have nothing but nice things to say! Gulp.)
Shot in the back of the head at any given moment--I mean, based on movies and the amount of in-murdering--it's a wonder there are any goodfellas at all; I mean at the rate that showbiz shows us that they knock one another off. Why are these guys always getting in the front passenger seats of cars? Haven't they seen mobster movies?
Of course WSS '21 is all kinds of culturally right. Or at least it's trying. Spielberg's version of the material is a million times better than Robert Wise's. Robert Wise's movies were burnished to such a high sheen they cancelled themselves out. Even as a kid, watching that ponderous musical monster for what seemed an entire day, I was never convinced by the lead Jet. He looked like he'd wandered over from the Leave It To Beaver set. And Tony was a drip. And the voices coming out of the leads never seemed right. I don't know why the first version is so revered. It's not really all that great. So why did Steven S. feel a need to remake it? Who knows? I mean, it had some truly amazing sequences. The "Gee, Officer Krupke" sequence should get it's own short film Oscar. And as good as it was, it was still West Side Story. We've seen West Side Story; who wants another version even if it's a better version? Apparently no one. Why didn't Steven use his clout (let's face it, he can do whatever he wants) and make an original musical? Say, like, the making of the 1961 version with just the best songs from it. Or, like, something that's really old and obscure, like, say, 42nd Street. Or why didn't he take on Wicked? Everyone wants a movie of that! Or how about he teamed up with Brian De Palma and they did the movie version of Carrie the Musical? Or a remake of Carrie with all new songs? Or what about a musical version of E.T.? Or Hook! No, wait, maybe not that. Or Jaws! Now who wouldn't want to see a musical version of Jaws? Richard Dreyfuss could play Quint! Adrien Brody is Sheriff Brody (that was meant to be!). Hooper is Seth Rogen. And Mrs. Brody is Gwyneth Paltrow. Tom Hanks is the Mayor: He sings "Not On My Beach, You Don't!"
The shark even has a number: "When You're A Shark."
When you're a shark
You're a shark all the way!
From your first baby seal
To surfboard take-away!
When you're a shark
You're the bitin'ist fish
Little fish you're a shark
Not a shark? Yeah you wish!
What is a school of fish, if not a mob?
Probably the major reason I wouldn't make a good goodfella is because I'm gay. Apparently, being a gay mafioso is verboten to the point of death. Or at least it used to be. It seems that even the mob is becoming more inclusive of gays. And I have nothing but nice things to say about it.
Mr. Spielberg...we're waiting.
And yes, Adrien can sing. At least I think so...
Dear Mr. Scorsese,
Please put any upcoming "mobster" themed projects on the back-burner. I mean, they're great and all; but when you do something entirely different like King of Comedy or After Hours or The Aviator; you tend to make a brilliant classic. I mean, your version of Cape Fear was one of the most unsettling movies ever made. But you always unsettle. Let's say, some time, you settle. Settle down Marty. I would love to see you try your hand at a Rom-com; or better yet, a bedroom comedy. How about a remake of Something's Gotta Give? Or how about being unsettling and settling at the same time? Here's the pitch: your version of Something's Gotta Give is about the final weeks of Marilyn Monroe's life. And here we can definitely get some mobsters involved and Frank Sinatra! The story revolves around the filming of SGG; but the movie within the movie is actually completed; so we cross-cut between the scenes from the bedroom romp to the parallel storyline of what's happening with Marilyn. Then we can work in a plot-twist that 20th Century Fox destroyed the footage of SGG to claim it a write-off. "Something" like that.
Oh, and might I suggest Liza Minnelli as Mrs. Murray, the sneaky house-keeper?