1. Not very gay
2. Kind of gay
3. More than a little gay
4. Really gay
5. Super gay
6. Super-duper gay
7. Mineshaft gay
There were will be minimal commentary on my part, other than the rating. But don't hold me to that, por favor.
More to come!
The thoughts & Musings of Christopher F. Reidy*
NOTE: Apparently this webpage has some glitches. It tends to randomly switch out visual material. Why? Don't ask me. So, if a pic doesn't match the text...it doesn't! Rest assured I am trying to amend this problem. When I get around to it.
*(may contain misuse of apostrophes, miss spellings, overabundance of semi-colons, wrong word usage, etc.
Please pardon our appearance while we create a new blog experience for you!)
ALSO:
Please find an in-complete (or if you prefer; "ongoing") index of blog posts on the homepage, for your convenience!
AND YET ANOTHER NOTE:
The visual switcheroos on these blogs have reached a point where there's no way I can correct them all, so I'm just going to leave them be. If they don't match the text, just think of them as whimsical funsies decorating the text. I will continue to supply pictures; but I cannot guarantee their context: much like my mind.
Thank you for your patience!
A FURTHER NOTE:
I try to keep this website relatively free of anything truly morally reprehensible or obscene. However, in the pursuit of honesty; I will be quite frank about sexuality; as I feel one should be. To wit: this website is not for children. It is decidedly "adult"; although not necessarily not "childish." I do not feel it is suitable, in some instances, for anyone below the age of 17. Or maybe a very mature 16...or 15 even.
THIS WEBSITE IS RATED: PG-15
Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself again; but we must follow where the muse leads us. And the muse is leading me to Mr. Christopher Meloni. Again. The first piece I wrote about him was a consideration of where, exactly, he fits on the Kinsey Sliding Scale of Pop Sexuality. Real or imagined. And a lot of us out there are imagining things about Mr. Meloni. And Mr. Meloni seems to be stroking--err--stoking them. Imaginations, that is. In my first blog, a lot of the pictures I posted disappeared or were replaced with images I didn't place. And they seem to keep changing! Perhaps this time Mr. Meloni's bits will stay in one place. We can only hope. Although, I'm sure a lot of us would love to see Mr. Meloni's bits any place. Or all over the place. So, I'm just going to post some more pictures of Mr. Meloni that I find interesting and rate them on the original scale I used in the first blog: 1. Not very gay 2. Kind of gay 3. More than a little gay 4. Really gay 5. Super gay 6. Super-duper gay 7. Mineshaft gay There were will be minimal commentary on my part, other than the rating. But don't hold me to that, por favor. Zealous consumption of chocolate, cream frosted cup-cake with cherry on top: Kind of gay. Wearing this and you're not a Alpha Kappa Alpha: Really gay. Hosing down men while holding a paddle in your other hand: Super gay Emulating Mike Rowe: Mineshaft Gay Becoming Jon Hamm: More Than a Little Gay
More to come!
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Okay, this was pretty hilarious too... It seems as though my original feelings/reaction to this film are shared by many. So, how is this considered a "beloved holiday classic" worthy of a sequel? Maybe because it sleighed(!) at the box office? Eventually. I can only say, guys, that if you do indeed decide to go ahead and make a sequel, please just film it live action. Even if the technology of "motion capture/A/I (whatever)" has reached a point to take it out of the uncanny valley; the question remains. Why? Does it save money? Well, in a quick comparison, Forrest Gump cost next to nothing at $55 million. The Polar Express' budget was a whopping $170 million! Even with adjustments for inflation taken into consideration, I would say that "motion capture" is in no way a money saving venture. And I don't really care how advanced it gets; that is, how close it gets to tricking me that I'm watching a real human. I don't know about you, but I prefer to watch real humans. Not some bizarre hybrid. Or animation, whether that be traditional or computer generated. For some reason that works. Perhaps because you're not trying to graft either discipline onto the other. Or how about, if you want to save money, you just film real human actors against green screen and put in the backgrounds (or foregrounds) later; like what they did with Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow? That only cost 70 million. That's a ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLAR SAVINGS!!! Bonus: real human eyes that dialate and faces that make expressions! Let's take a look: Oh, it was blue screen. And maybe we didn't need an hour and eighteen minutes of that; but it's still fascinating. And a real test of the actor's craft! I loved it; but I think it crashed and burned at the box office. You can't say it wasn't original! And speaking of original. You can't say that a lot of what you do Bob, isn't "original." You definitely take risks with what you decide to greenlight. And at the risk of looking like a kiss-ass; I'm going to break it all down for you, even though you and no one else has asked! ROBERT ZEMECKIS FILMMOGRAPHY I Wanna Hold Your Hand (1978): I saw this in Shrewsbury, Massachusetts with my cousins. Loved it! It was one of those cases of being sent to the movies by the parents and going out of boredom and not really caring about what you went to see. Or did we go to see Love At First Bite? No, that was later. But I was taken by surprise! Nancy Allen and Wendie Jo Sperber? Bob, you have an instinct! 1941(1979): Didn't see this at the movies; but vividy recall the newspaper ads, for some reason: Of course, I wouldn't have been going to see it in Fort Worth, Texas... Don't you miss the movie section of the newspapers? And isn't it fascinating to look at these pages and think: "Oh, that was out at the same time that was?" I think it is. Well, it wasn't until 1941 hit cable and was on 41 times a day that I fell in love with it. And BONUS: Nancy Allen and Wendie Jo Sperber! And to think you didn't know Tom yet! Also, Dianne Kay, who was my favorite Bradford of Eight Is Enough. Why did she disappear? If Nancy Allen could go on to Robocop, why couldn't Dianne? 1941: Original theatrical release only, please. Somehow putting back the cut material in this ruins it. Used Cars (1980) Have never seen it. Aware of critical acclaim. Put on TO WATCH list. Romancing the Stone (1984): Another case of not seeing it at the movies but coming to love it on cable. Adored Kathleen Turner since The Doctors. Adored Michael Douglas since Coma! Let's see what Macho Chris has to say about Michael... Back to the Future (1985): This was one of those phenomenon movies that pretty much everyone went to see. I remember seeing it with a friend in a packed theater. What to say? Total enjoyment from start to finish. Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (1988) This was the first movie I recall seeing when I had moved into the city from my childhood home for the first time. I remember it was a really hot day and enjoying the cool of the theater. Loved the movie (had a "thing" for Bob Hoskins). Got a little too dark at the end with that disturbing freaky villain. Definitely niche. But if you get it, you get it. Cher got it. But would it've killed Disney to wax Bob's shoulders? (Bob Hoskins, that is...) Back to the Future Part II (1989): All the magic of the first was lost. Too busy in every way; particularly on the eyes. Getting a headache just thinking about it. Back to the Future Part III (1990): Have never seen it and never will. I avoid Westerns at all costs. Trespass (1992) Never heard of it then; don't remember it now. One of those scripts that probably should've been left in the bottom drawer. Death Becomes Her (1992): Some kind of classic. Loved it then. Haven't seen it in a while. Has it aged well; or did it age like Mad and Hel? Forrest Gump (1994) Personally important movie for me in many ways. Say what you will about it's politics and/or corniness: it's still magical. Bordello of Blood (1996): That title was off putting then and it's off putting now. Dennis Miller and Corey Feldman, together at last! Have never seen it and probably never will: reasons, not the least of which, that Miller is now a "conservative comedian." Sorry Dennis; you can't have both. Contact (1997): Actually, saw this several times at the movies. Not sure why. The comforting presence of Jodie Foster maybe? Or maybe I was trying to figure out why she was talking to David Morse on a beach in outer space? What Lies Beneath (2000): One of the first movies I saw with my husband. All I remember was a hamster that could breathe under water and wet footprints on a dock. Cast Away (2000): Enjoyed it a lot; particularly ogling* Tom Hanks! But thinking back, and I'm sorry to say this, I recall it being a GIGANTIC FedEx commercial. Sometimes you can take product placement too far, gentlemen. More to come!
Bob, can we just get this out of the way first? You look almost exactly like Drew Carey: Or maybe we should say: EXACTLY. But, that's really neither here nor there. But who does Drew Carey look like, dressed as Santa Claus? Well, he doesn't look like Santa Claus. And he doesn't really look like Drew Carey. So, could we split the difference and say he looks like Bob Zemeckis "motion captured" as Santa Claus? I guess we could... Which, I guess this means that we have to drag Tom Hanks into this. And by that I mean that I am dragging Mr. Hanks into this. You're certainly not Mr. Zemeckis. It seems as though maybe Tom is dragging you into things! Like a proposed sequel to The Polar Express. Or The Bi-Polar Express, as I cheekily call it. Or The Bi-Curious-Polar Express (wasnt' that one of Bob Guccione's "pet" projects?). I jest! But seriously... Did Tom Hanks play Santa in The Polar Express? 'Cuz that doesn't really look like him, no matter how you cut the mustard. And by mustard, I mean, computer generated actors. I just read Tom is joining you once again for a feature to be released later this year called There. No wait, Here; which I just learned of. I also learned it's going to feature A/I "face swapping" and "de-aging." Mr. Zemeckis. Mr. Hanks. Ms. Robin "Jenny" Wright. Can I ask you to please not do this? Do what Chris? Return To the Valley of the Uncanny? What's "The Return to the Valley of the Uncanny," Chris? It's a place that nobody really wants to go to guys; which you've proven again and again; with features like Mars Needs Moms and Jim Carey as Ebeneezer Scrooge. Oh; and Beowulf (more on that later). But Chris, The Polar Express is a beloved Holiday Classic. We daresay, "HOW DARE YOU!??!" No wait. Please, don't get me wrong, beloved directors/slash/actors/slash/producers/slash/Big Wigs. I cherish much of your work! As a matter of fact, I watched the beloved Forrest Gump again last night and dragged my virgin husband, kicking and screaming, to Greenbow, Alabama! Let's reminisce! I've never seen that before. It's kind of trippy! It doesn't have the Alan Silvestri score and there are bits of dialogue and shots that aren't in the final cut. Here's an interesting tidbit... Bob, I may have watched an early screening of Forrest Gump with you! Or maybe even you Tom! Or maybe BOTH of you! I remember it like it was yesterday... So, when I first became a Paramount page, it was June of 1993. Forrest Gump (with a little retroactive-retrofitted-research) was in pre-production. In fact, I was looking at the DVD extras on my FG disc and found this piece of video from that very month: Yes, June 1st, 1993. It was a Tuesday. I'd been hired at this point; but I don't think I'd had my first "Page Class" yet. But maybe I was on the lot at the same time they were filming this. I guess Tom had the roll (role! although Tom sure was on a "roll" in 1993!) on lockdown; but Robin had to be tested. Maybe the producers were concerned that she was coming off of Toys. Or Santa Barbara. I think she touches her face a little too much in the FG screen-test; but what do I know? She got the part. You see, you learn something new every day. I had no idea Robin was on Santa Barbara. And I would occasionally watch it. I do recall, quite vividly, the actress who played her sister: Marcy Walker. She had played villainous "Liza Colby" on All My Children. Getting back on track... So, when I was a page, I quickly got bored (kind of) of giving three hour tours (three hour tours!). I would do things pages were not supposed to do. Were told not to do. Things like taking tour groups on to sets (we were only supposed to "linger" outside of soundstage doorways). After a few months of showing people the large swaths of beige cement that comprised soundstage walls, I started bringing them on to sets. Not if the set was "hot" of course; but if the door happened to be open and nobody was filming. What could it hurt? Like Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, for example. The main set, which was a space station, was often sitting empty. I would bring smaller tour groups on to the set and say things like: "Okay, feel free to look around for a while. Please don't break anything. I'll meet you at the door in twenty minutes." I can't tell you how far this verboten behavior went towards thrilling tourists and getting me twenty minutes closer to lunch without having to babble about Gloria Swanson and the HOLLYWOOD sign. Sometimes, I would go to the Paramount Theater, which was on the lot and see if the doors were open. This theater was a full-sized movie theater. Not huge, but not small either. Sometimes I would go in and it would be dark and something would be screening. Sometimes raw footage, dailies, rushes, whatever. I would sit in the back row and just watch. No one seemed to care (probably thought I was a janitor or something). One time I went in and there were like two people watching something. A finished product. All scored and edited and theater ready. The people turned, seemed unconcerned and then turned back to the screen. I watched. "Oh," I thought, "it's a jungle. 60's pop rock. Oh, is that Tom Hanks in an Army uniform? Oh, it's Viet Nam and it's raining." And then the rain stopped. And I was transfixed. I knew I was watching something amazing. Great even. Dare we say: AN AMERICAN CLASSIC? And this was way before the movie was officially released. This clip starts exactly where I came in and ends exactly when I left (I didn't want to push my luck). I wonder to this day who the two figures were that were watching. Was it you Rob? And was Tom with you? I don't know; but I feel like I was in on movie history before it was movie history. Before it became a cultural signpost. Sneaks of the World, Unite! But back, now, not to the future (or perhaps, yes, to the future); but to The Polar Express and it's ilk. And by "ilk" I mean computer generated "actors." Let me first state, Mr. Zemeckis, that I have seen the bulk of your cinematic output, whether that be as writer, producer, director, et. al. So yes, I have seen The Polar Express. I didn't see it at the movies; but rather, watched it one holiday with family members on a super large screen TV. And, to be honest, it was a problematic view. I was looking forward to it. I had seen the movie trailers and the TV spots and so on. I liked the stylized look of the animation. It's big Star was Tom Hanks (I don't think I have to reiterate my fandom for Mr. Hanks, here; let's just say it was a given). I had loved the first adaptation of Chris Van Allsburg's work: Jumanji. So, I was looking forward to watching The Polar Express. And then, the film began to unspool. But before I get into that; can I just say that Chris Van Allsburg is a doll? I just looked him up for the first time. He's got that nerdy-sexy-tweedy-sweater vest-academic thing going on! Big Time! He's a writer and an illustrator! Let's ogle* Chris! I'd take a look at his etchings, any time! I couldn't find any pictures of him "shirtless." :( But I did find pictures of this guy, not just shirtless; but pantless: But again, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's take a look at a clip from TPE and meet back here in fifteen minutes or so! Okay, I haven't seen any of this movie since I first saw it, some ten plus years ago; and I have to say, all those initial reactions have remained unchanged. All "the feels" came flooding back and they're "feels" I never hope to feel again. I'm sorry fellahs, but I just gotta be honest here. My takeaway is that those kids are all dead and on an express train to Hell. Or at least purgatory. Why don't their faces make expressions. Why do any smiles we see seem demonic? Why does one character use the word "cozy" here when absolutely NOTHING about this is "cozy"; including Tom Hanks; who is not just usually "cozy" but "cuddly" as well. How did you manage to make Tom Hanks terrifying? Why does that kid backtrack in the snow like the kid from The Shining? Why is so much emphasis put on the character's eyes when all of their eyes seem so utterly devoid of life? Iris' fluctuate, you know that don't you? Actually, this brings up a lot of even DARKER things that I'm not going to express(!) here. Who on Earth wants a sequel to this? I'll just say that my take on this movie aligns pretty squarely with "Cinema-Sins"; so let's take a look at that and meet back here in about fifteen more minutes. I can see that this is going to go on for a while, much like The Polar Express, so, please see the next installment: An Open Letter To Bob, Tom, Robin and Santa: Part 2.
CFR 4/25/24 So, on SNL last night (4/13/24) everyone was cracking up, right and left. Particularly, Heidi Gardner. I don't think I've ever seen someone lose it quite so honestly and emphatically. It's called "breaking character" and it was a delight. It was like the show was overcome by some kind of Spring fever and if you ask me, they really needed it. Of course, everyone on the show was probably anticipating this, so it became something of a fait accompli. Ryan Gosling was the host and he's known to laugh almost at will during sketches on this show. He simply couldn't seem to keep it in check and finally just went where the giggles took him. Is that bad? Not in my book. Some of the most famous comedy moments have occured because of people losing it. And they take the audience with them. From what I've read; back in the day, if you "broke character" or even flubbed lines (on SNL), there would be a firing squad waiting for you after the show. Usually with Lorne Michaels handing you your cigarette. No blindfold, I'm guessing. Someone online commented about the Gardner sketch and was marvelling at the straight faces of the extras. And then someone else said: "Lorne Michaels' office is probably lined with the heads of extras who broke character." And that made perfect sense. But I'm guessing he's mellowed. At least a little. At least since the 70's, when I can't recall a single incidence of breaking on that show. Too Carol Burnett. Yes, I'm prone to breaking up; but I will say a little of it goes a long way. The audience, as much as they love it, has a tolerance level for it. Particularly if they can tell another actor is trying to get someone else to break up. And Kate McKinnon, who was on last night, in her third alien abduction sketch with RG, is a performer who is a bit on the guilty side when it comes to this. So, the first time RG did the abduction sketch, she was just doing her thing and he lost it. The second time, she tried to get him to break, so it didn't work (maybe because she was working too hard). This time, he started giggling before she even got to her third sentence (speaking of getting to sentences, more on that later). So, she actually held back a little to keep the thing from totally going off the rails, which was kind of the reverse, so that was actually funny in it's own, different way. When you do lose it, it can be really hard to get out of it; because you start anticipating it happening again; and, you start thinking about it have having happend and find yourself in a giggle loop. I think the whole show last night was caught in a giggle loop. I too had a performance this weekend. Well, sort of. I had a performance on Thursday of last week and today (Sunday). It was a little cabaret-ish show to promote a local theater group: I did a monologue from a Neil Simon play. I hate monologues. And I'm starting to hate Neil Simon. This is the second Neil Simon thing I've done for this group. The Lake Players. I wrote all about my first experience with the Lake Players and with Mr. Simon in a series of blogs, as it was happening: "An Actor's Diary." There were numerous entries. Here is the first: www.christopherfreidy.com/blog/an-actors-diary-part-1 So, when we did Rumors, our director had us do an improv class early, during the six month(!) rehearsal. The teacher of the class, who I also wrote about, was a gentelman named Matt Kariss: So, that was like almost two years ago? Anyways; I get a call from him, out of the blue, to be in this show. I hadn't done much since Rumors. Taking a break, I guess. I did sign up to be in a short play a friend was putting on at another playhouse; but I had to drop out of that one; something I never do. Or try to never do. But it was an emergency of sorts. My mother, who is 87, had a fall and I had to go to Boston and help out. Thankfully, she recuperated pretty quickly; so I was able to say "yes" to Matt. Now, I probably should look up the significance of the number 6, because Rumors had an agonizing six month rehearsal; and this show had the exact opposite. We only had six rehearsals before we were in front of an audience. Now, I'll be honest. I'm getting a little older. The remembering (rememberance) of dialogue is getting more challenging; although for me, it has always been a challenge. Remember back in junior high school, when, for whatever reason, they'd make you memorize a poem and then test you on it? Like, you had to sit there and write the poem out. That was the test. And you'd be graded on it. I would always leave out something. Some stanza or entire section. Not enough to flunk; but certainly not A+ work. I recall having to memorize The Tyger by William Blake (and I never could get past that "y" in tiger. Like Why, "Y," Will?) And maybe part of that "...not with a bang but a whimper" poem? And I don't recall even discussing The Tyger in an analytical way. Like, the important part. Like the part about what does Blake mean? What's he getting at? Long story short. I went to The White Room today. What's The White Room, you ask? I didn't know about it until fairly recently (at least, not in this sort of explanatory way). Well here's a sort video about it: And you can't get much whiter than Steve, am I right people? So, I can't say I went to "The White Room" exactly. Why? Because I was completely aware of where I was when I was, wherever I was. Which was definitely on a stage. In front of an audience. Or at at least a group of people. A group of people who I wished had been wet. I think Bill Murray explains it best in the beginning of this clip: I'm an actor. I like to entertain the audience and have them (hopefully) like me. But I also want to do my job correctly. That means things like not breaking character. Not going up. Remembering all my dialogue. Not phoning it in. Being in the moment. Or, oh, I don't know...nailing my monologues (although I don't think I've ever truly "nailed" a monolouge; that is, if nailing one is rectiting it verbatim). I had a monologue in this, as I mentioned. I also was in a scene with three other actors, wearing a dress. The scene was from The Producers and one of my character's laugh lines was: "I had no idea that the Third Reich meant Germany..." On the first performance, I dropped it; but it didn't throw the scene. In my monologue, there's a line, delivered by an actor, who proclaims that he'll do anything for a role, including "wear(ing) a dress." Which would've been a call-back to The Producers scene and a guaranteed LAUGH (although, in theater, there really are no guaranteed LAUGHS). Well, on Sunday, I dropped that entire section. But here's the thing. I didn't realize I had done this, in both cases, until I was off stage and removing my grease paint (to paint a picture). I mean, I did utter those lines, at least once, during the aggregate course of both performances. But that Sunday, which was a matinee, stymied me to a certain degree. It was like I came out, started talking, and found myself talking to a wall. It wasn't "crickets" exactly; because that's simply boredom on the part of the audience; and that's because what's happening on stage is boring them. This was more like a bell jar. Or when the Starship Enterprise puts up its protective shields...what's that called...oh, yeah...the deflector shields. I was getting zero feedback from the audience. The Light Triad was not complete. What's the Light Triad, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. You've probably heard of The Dark Triad. That's when NARCISSISM, MACHIAVELLIANISM and MANIPULATION, meet up. Although, I would think MANIPULATION was already part of MACHIAVELLIANISM. Shouldn't the third leg of the triad be, oh, I don't know...immorality, perhaps. Or unscrupulous, mabe? Let's just say: knowledge of "right" and "wrong" but generally opting for wrong. And not caring. For me, The Light Triad, as applied to theater, would be the circuit that completes the performance. Or the experience of the stage, for all involved. You've got the MATERIAL (play, song, sketch, etc.). Then you have the PERFORMER. And finally, the AUDIENCE, which completes the circuit. And that last part, the AUDIENCE, is crucial. Even if it's just one person. It completes the flow of ENERGY. But sometimes, the audience can be something of a faulty circuit. Which is what happened on Sunday. Like I said, I wasn't in The White Room; but I was adjacent. Perhaps in some antechamber to it. The Grey Room? No, The Grey Room came after. I would describe it thusly: it was like going to a drive-in movie theater during the day. Empty. Pointless. A blank screen that you couldn't see the movie on, even if you'd turned on the projector. In order to see a movie, you need darkness. So, I went to The Daylight Drive-In. Here's what happened. Matt gave a little background info on each section of the show. When he came to my monologue, he told the audience what show it was from and who wrote it. But then he described the character as complicated, neurotic and prone to substance abuse/alcoholism. The audience must've forgotten that Neil Simon is known for comedy. So, when I started talking, I think the audience assumed my character was an escaped mental patient or something. There was utter SILENCE. I started talking and then the SILENCE transmogrified into STONEY SILENCE. I thought, Uhh-ohh. I thought: They're not laughing. They're supposed to be laughing. How can I make them laugh? I amped up the fidgetyness. I started veering into Don Rickles territory. No, wait. Make that Rodney Dangerfield: I started jumping around from place to place within the monologue, trying to find its "funny" parts. Well, this monologue is from 1970 and one of the big "jokes" in it, is that this actor character was replaced in his show by the understudy, who is Puerto Rican and doesn't speak English. Ostensibly, the funny part is the part about his not speaking English. But really, the joke is that he's Puerto Rican; because being from Puerto Rico is funny, right? Apparently it was in 1970. I remember when I was a kid, there seemed to be a preponderance of Puerto Rican jokes. In any event, the Big Laugh Line in this speech was the (let's face it) RACIST joke on Puerto Rico. And sure enough, it got the laugh. Am I proud of this? No. But I didn't write it. One of the most successful playwrights of ALL TIME did. Come to think of it...the giant monologue from Rumors (which, thank God, I didn't have to perform), hinges on jokes around the Spanish language. I guess our take-a-way here is that Neil Simon thought all things La Espana were hilarious. So I got the cheap laugh. But I got it at the cost of something, I feel, because as I said, I left out huge chunks of what I was supposed to say. It wasn't until afterwards that I realized it. And that's when I went from the Daylight Drive-In to the The Grey Room. The Grey Room, I'm realizing now, is where an actor goes (at least, this actor) when they are disappointed in themselves because what they gave the audience was not what they were supposed to have given them; even though the audience has no idea. The Grey Room is where an actor goes to beat themselves up. To second guess themselves. To flagellate their ego. And for me, for getting a laugh at the expense of Puerto Ricans. The Grey Room is also where regret reigns. And the awful truth that it can't be fixed. It happened. It was a moment in Real Time that came and went. Has come and gone. And there's nothing you can do to change it. My monologue had a lot of "goddamns" in it. A fellow cast member mentioned that folks around these-a-here parts don't cotton to taking the Big Guy's name-in-vain. So I said I would just keep God out of it and say "damn." Maybe I should've kept Puerto Rico out of it instead. Maybe this was the Big Guy's way of letting me know this. Why I'm still ruminating about this a week later, when most parties involved have probably completely forgotten ALL of it. So, I will offer up a prayer and a supplication for forgiveness to Our Lady of Divine Providence and the Virgin of Charity, Puerto Rico's patronesses. And Rita Moreno, who is Puerto Rican (a Sagitarrian) and really should be canonized a Patron Saint of the Stage. The SNL sketch in which Heidi Gardner "broke" is getting a lot of press. Apparently, Heidi went straight to The Grey Room after the sketch ended. But really, she needs to give herself a break. She may just have ensured that moment will enter some kind of Pantheon that includes Johnny Carson and the hatchet and Carol Burnett and the curtain rod dress. That was the one where the audience lost it. I'd say that's some pretty awesome company. P.S. I just came into possession of a video of the Smith Mountain Lake Players Rumors by Neil Simon. I will post it here, once I figure out how, in another "Actor's Diary" blog.
Ciao for now! CFR 4/21/24 The car drives through the gate. MARLON Julia, pull over. JULIA Pulling over. And would you like to hear my recipe for pulled Roti de Porc Poele? MARLON Stop talking Julia. JULIA Oui! The car pulls over and Marlon gets out. He leans into the car. MARLON All righty. You're on your own. Call me when you get there. HONORIA Aye, aye Cap'n! MARLON (Under his breath as he turns back to the building) God help Julia... CUT TO: INT. CAR -DAY Honoria looks up from her spread sheet. HONORIA Well, what are you waiting for? JURGIN I don't speak French. HONORIA Well, pick someone else. JURGIN How about David Allan Boucher? HONORIA The deejay? JURGIN Yeah! You know him? HONORIA I listened to Bedtime Magic all the time when I was at Tufts! He helped ease my anxiety. JURGIN Mine too! Computer, talk like Boston area deejay David Allan Boucher! CAR (In the voice of DAVID ALLAN BOUCHER) Good evening to you. I'm...David...Allan...Boucher...and you're listening to Bedtime Magic. I want to take you on a journey...you just have to say where... JURGIN Winooski Falls, Vermont D.A.B. Is there an address? HONORIA We'll let you know when we get closer. D.A.B. Well buckle up and settle in and we'll get there, magically... More to come!
Okay, this one is a no-brainer. Ryan Gosling in a Ken-doll themed sketch. But first, a few thoughts on the above commercial: 1. I know I can't leave the house until my ruffle is just right. 2. What's going on with all the smooth, reflective, mirror-like surfaces here? All I can think of is cocaine. Was this intentional? 3. What's going on with Ken's crotch in that last shot? Was that intentional? 4. I have that chromium floor lamp and you need to get giant light bulbs for it. Do they still make them? 5. Did they steal the "Georgy Girl" song? This sketch could be done as a period piece. Late 50's perhaps, in Black and White? Or mid-70's? FADE IN ON: INT. LIVING ROOM -DAY It's Christmas Day. We're in a charmingly appointed suburban living room in the home of a typical American family on Christmas morning. There's MOM and DAD and their kids: LITTLE GIRL and LITTLE BOY. Little Girl is playing with an 11 and a half inch female fashion doll. Little Boy is playing with an 11 and a half inch male military doll. Wrapping paper is strewn about as Mom and Dad, in picture perfect Christmas PJs sip coffee and nibble pastries. LITTLE GIRL I love my new teen-age fashion model doll that Santa brought me! She's so pretty! LITTLE BOY And I love my military man action figure! He's so butch! MOM (To Dad, not quite convincingly) And I love my new air fryer... DAD (To Mom) And I adore my new cuff links! The CAMERA zooms in on their faces as they try to disguise their disappointment. A SPOKESMAN steps out from behind the Christmas tree and addresses the camera. SPOKESMAN How many times has this happened to you? Santa's gone and the kids got they wanted; but what about you Mom? Did you really get what you wanted? Don't you wish you could find that childlike joy of receiving the toy of your dreams now, as a grownup? Well, now you can! With the new six and half foot action figure for Mom: He's "Len" and he's from LeTtam, so you know he's "wham, bam!" There is a KNOCK at the door. The Spokesman sits in a chair and observes. LITTLE BOY Who are you? Mom goes to the door and opens it. A DELIVERY MAN is there with a clipboard. DELIVERY MAN Delivery for Mom. Sign here please. MOM What on Earth? The Delivery Man wheels in a seven foot tall box, wrapped in Christmas paper, tips his hat and leaves. LITTLE GIRL What is it Mommy? MOM I don't know. The card says it's from a "friend." DAD Well open it honey! Mom rips the paper off and reveals a large box with a cellophane front panel. It says LEN in fanciful script and on the other side of the plastic is a six foot, five inch figure of a man. Strikingly handsome, with a crew-cut, his face is fixed in a demure smile. He's wearing bathing trunks and a matching beach jacket. On the side of the box it says: "I talk!" DAD It says he talks... SPOKESMAN Just pull his string! Mom is already pulling Len out of his box and looking for his string. She finds it and pulls the cord. LEN Hi. I'm Len! EVERYBODY Hi Len! Dad pulls the string. LEN Why don't you let Mom do that? DAD Wait...are his lines pre-recorded? SPOKESMAN Sort of. Mom pulls the cord again. LEN Let's go to the big game tonight! MOM Okay... DAD What "big game"? LEN The one with the big balls. MOM Bowling balls? LEN Sure... LITTLE GIRL Mommie, he's so pretty! MOM I know. Right? SPOKESMAN Len is fully mechanized and capable of responding to simple commands. Try it Mom! MOM Len, fetch Dad's slippers. Len doesn't move. SPOKESMAN Try it again Mom. MOM Len, would you give me a foot rub? Len sweeps Mom up and carries her up the stairs. LITTLE BOY Where is Mommie going? DAD (To Spokesman) Should I go with-- SPOKESMAN Don't worry Dad; because LeTtam can make your Christmas wishes come true too! Remember when you were so lonely as a child you created an imaginary friend because you didn't have one. Or a father? DAD Ah, yeah... SPOKESMAN Well, now, there's Mr. Guy, just for you! Bring him in fellahs! The door opens and the DELIVERY men bring in another massive box, wrapped in Christmas paper and leave. Dad, confused, looks at his kids. They shrug. He looks to the Spokesman who nods his head. Dad rips the paper off the box and this time, we see see a tall male figure with a crew-cut and beard, wearing a camo hat and military fatigues. Mr. Guy's box also says, "I Talk! Pull string!" SPOKESMAN Go ahead. Pull it. You know you want to. Dad pulls the string and Mr. Guy says: MR. GUY Rooogah! Wrasslin' works those glutes! SPOKESMAN Mr. Guy has lots of outfits, sold separately, like: "It's Quad Day!" He holds up a camo wrestling singlet and hands it to Dad. SPOKESMAN You'll have to help him get into this. DIZZOLVE TO: INT. LIVING ROOM -DAY Dad has pushed the furniture out of the way and is now in his underwear, facing off Mr. Guy (in his singlet) who is crouched opposite him. The spokesman blows a WHISTLE and Dad and Mr. Guy get to grappling. SPOKESMAN With Mr. Guy, you're guaranteed to get a workout! Little Girl gets up from the floor in front of the TV and tugs on the Spokesman's jacket hem. LITTLE GIRL Where's my Mommie? He looks up at the ceiling and we hear the sound of BOWLING PINS GETTING STRUCK. SPOKESMAN (Ignoring Little Girl, to CAMERA as logo comes up) "...if it says LeTtam, you know it's Wham, Bam!" And scene!
CFR 4/8/24 It's hard to figure out if Ryan Gosling has any chest hair. He usually appears as smooth as...well, a Ken doll...or a satin sheet. All the time shaved? Waxed? But there are some pictures of him where it looks kind of hairy on his chest. But then a lot of images of him in various states of undress appear to be faked. A/I, Photoshop, cut and paste... And I bring this up, because this sketch would be funnier (I think) the hairier the actor is. So it would work well for say, Jake Gyllenhaal. Or Henry Cavill. Or Tom Selleck. Not that Tom Selleck would ever do this. And by this we mean a sketch that features men's underthings. And it has to be filmed in order to pack in, so to speak, as many ridiculous pairs of mens skivvies as possible in the "underwear montage." Fake chest hair on Ryan could be quite amusing. Or on his butt cheeks. So, on with the show... FADE UP INT. SHOPPING MALL -DAY A male/female COUPLE are strolling through the mall, nibbling giant pretzels and sipping Orange Julius.' They are attractive. They smile as they enjoy their treats and people watch. They hold hands and canoodle. The woman is named BRENDA and the man is GARY. They are in their late 20s/30's or maybe even older. Shocking! The man's eyes grow wide, as though he's remembered something. GARY Oh, honey. I've got to get some new underwear; especially since I'm doing that Zoom meeting. BRENDA But they won't be on camera, will they? GARY Well, no...but I'll just feel better. BRENDA Oh. Oh okay. GARY Look, honey. That store is having an underwear sale! BRENDA Wow! That's convenient! CLOSE on the sign of a mall store. It reads MALE POWER BY FLOYD. In the window are a couple of mannequins in pajamas and bathrobes and a sign on an easel that reads: BOGO: MENS UNDERTHINGS HALF OFF! They look in the window. BRENDA "Underthings." I don't think I've ever heard that term. GARY What do you mean? BRENDA Well, you know. Applied to mens underwear. GARY Oh. I like that bathrobe. They enter the store. The door CHIMES and an older gentleman comes out from the back, carrying an underwear display figure. He is being played by DAN AYCKROYD as FLOYD HUNGER, ESQ. FLOYD Afternoon folks. Welcome to Male Power by Floyd. I'm Floyd Hunger, doncha know. Can I help you find anything? GARY I need some new underwear. FLOYD Well, you came to the right place! Because I don't have any old underwear. Just the latest and the greatest. Well, actually I do have some old underwear. You'd be surprised how many fellahs want to wear their new purchases out. So what size are you? GARY Brenda honey, I can never remember.... BRENDA He's a 34 inch waist, but his rear end is a bit on the flat side. GARY What? My rear end isn't flat! BRENDA Now Gary-- FLOYD (Eyeing Gary's butt) I'm afraid the little lady's right; but not to worry. I can fix that! GARY You can? FLOYD I've been doing this for nearly fifty years. What brand do you usually wear? GARY Munsingwear. Oooh! I bet Jon Hamm would do this sketch in a NY minute! FLOYD Munsingwear...hmmm...well, now; there's nothing to look down your nose at there. They make a good baseline foundation for the manly business; but it's not going to do a thing to regrade your backroad, my friend. But have no fear, because I'm going to introduce you to my exclusive, proprietary line of Male Power by Floyd "Mantees" and that trademark is patent pending. GARY But-- FLOYD No buts about it! (LAUGHS) BRENDA Gary, you need this. I need this... FLOYD Gary, I'm asking you to put yourself in my hands. (He holds out his upturned palms). GARY Sure. What have I got to lose? FLOYD No ass; that's what you've got to lose! And one of the best ways to create the illusion of having an ass is to work with what you've got. So let's get crackin'. (He pushes Gary into a dressing room). Brenda, go lock the door. Now Gary, I need to see what we're working with. I need to see your crack. (He holds up a pair of underwear). Please strip and put these on. We see the WAVY LINES of a TIME LAPSE, then Gary pops his head over the door of the dressing room. GARY Ready? FLOYD Yep. Come on out. Gary steps out of the dressing room and Floyd guides him to a three-way mirror. He's wearing a pair of these: GARY What do you think? BRENDA Do you have them on the right way? Gary looks to Floyd, who nods his head. FLOYD Now, you see how exposing the IGC line creates the illusion of a fuller derriere? GARY I think so... BRENDA What's an 'ICG line'? FLOYD Inter-Gluteal-Cleft, line-- Now, you achieve this effect with the simple line exposure. Imagine what some further enhancing can do. Not to mention guiding of the eye and trompe-l'oeil; because I think you're going to need a little help on the windward side. GARY I'm a grower, not a shower. BRENDA That's very true. FLOYD Well, I've got one word for you Gary... GARY What's that? FLOYD Lace. GARY I didn't come here to play, Floyd. I came here to win. So let's go BIG or go home. Brenda claps her hands excitedly as we FADE into the MONTAGE. Playing over this will be "Voulez-vous" by ABBA, as we see Gary come out and model some of the following "underthings": As Gary models, we see CLOSE-UPs of Floyd and Brenda either shaking or nodding their heads. But mostly enthusiastic nodding! CUT TO: INT. STORE -DAY Gary is paying as Floyd pushes a large stack of elaborately packaged and bagged underthings across the counter. GARY With the bogo and everything, it came to just under fifteen hundred dollars! BRENDA What? FLOYD You heard him. BRENDA Well, you get what you pay for; and if we just paid for new found confidence in the bathing suit area, then it's totally worth it! FLOYD You know it! (He holds up Gary's old underwear) And I'll hang on to these! (He tosses them in a cardboard box along with other old underwear). Do you feel empowered now Gary? GARY I feel Male Powered: by Floyd! They all LAUGH. Floyd moves to the door and unlocks it and lets them out. He watches through the glass as they head back down the mall. Gary, his nether-regions blurred, in a pair of his new sheer lace leggings. And his butt really does look bigger. FLOYD My work here is done. FADE OUT CFR 4/7/24
Okay kids, let's get crackin'! Well, Jane Pauley is still with us... But, in any event: It's time for our Big Event! I had no idea Brian Keith got so undraped in this movie. Now that's a Big Event! WOOF! But I digress... And you kids have no idea who I'm talking about. But let's shake that off, as Taylor Swiffer would say (see, I can relate). Come on fellow WRITERS, FREE-LANCERS, UNPAID INTERNS and UNPAID AND UN-COLLEGE-CREDITED INTERNS (that would be MOI!) It's time to get to work on some fabulous new sketches for our LATE NIGHT COMEDY SHOW! Now, on a more serious note: As Mr. Ryan (WOOF!) Gosling is going to be hosting soon, we need to write a Super-Duper sketch for him. And I have numerous ideas for that, including a Ken doll joint, natch and some other stuff. However: let's put that on the back-burner for now. And let's talk Carol... CAROL BURNETT. I mean, she's already stealing her latest project and she's playing a woman in a coma! Who do you have to do oral on around here to get Carol Burnett into Studio 8-H? So, when Carol hosts, here's what I would do, if I produced our LONG RUNNING LATE-NIGHT COMEDY SKETCH SHOW. I would recreate a sketch from Back In the Day. And not just back in the day. I'm talking Back In the Century. As in the last Century. I'm talking about none other than the OP sketch. Or is it the OG sketch? I'm talking about the legendary Wolverines sketch. And since the transcript and video are readily available online, let's recreate it here. Let's set it up. Originally, it was Michael O'Donoghue and John Belushi (oh, and Chevy Chase). It was titled: Wolverines. So, I would do it with Carol as the "European Immigrant" (wearing her famous "Cleaning Woman" costume) and as the "Professor" character, we'd need to go with a woman and, I think, the weirdest woman on the show and I think that would have to be Sarah Sherman. Oh, and we could bring Chevy Chase back to reprise his role as the "Stage Manager." Let's all watch the clip, shall we? Now, of course, as Carol is 90 years old, we'd make whatever accomodations neccessary; although I'm sure, trouper that she is she wouldn't ask. Like, I wouldn't have her on stairs or throwing herself on the floor. How about she and Sarah are seated in recliners (and I think they make wingback recliners)? Or maybe they could just slump to the side. But that's what I would do. Oh, and then again...maybe not Chevy. I mean, isn't he actually banned from the show? How is that even possible? What did he do? Get in a fight with Bill Murray? Oh wait, he did say those horrible things about the gay guy on the show. AIDS jokes have got to be the bottom of somebodies (somebody's?) barrel. Whatever the case, Chevy is just way too high maintenance. So, let's go with Steve Martin. A reunion of sorts. And here's Carol with Steve from waaaaaaaaaaaay back in the day. Does it hold up? Let's check it out and then I'll be back with those super-duper Gosling sketches. Ciao kids! CFR 4/5/24
Okay, certain NBC late-night comedy sketch show. Enough with the game show spoofs already. Your show has opened with game show bits, I'm thinking, for maybe the last two years. Like for real. Sure, we all LOVE the game show sketch; but we really need to put them down for a nap. Lullabye and goodnight game show sketch. Time for some Late-Night/Night-Night. And it's not like there isn't 50 father-effin' years worth of material to mine. I don't know...maybe...bring The Coneheads back. How about this: Coneheads The Next Generation? There. I've already started it for you. That one should really write itself. Call Jane, Laraine and Danny. I'm sure they could all be in NYC by next Saturday and certainly by the 13th. Kristen Wiig and Ryan Gosling would make fantastic Remulakians both! Game show! Meps! MEPS!!! So here's the sketch. It has a lot of Guest Stars. Some old, some new. Some who keep coming back; some who never really went away: like former students who just can't seem to stay away from their old high school. I'll be naming these folks by name; but it doesn't neccessarily have to be them in the parts. I'm just trying to passive-agressively bug a few people. And so... POM-POM-MOMS SKETCH IMAGE of typical well-to-do suburban house in Anytown U.S.A. (and I say "well-to-do" because there isn't much of a Middle Class anymore, is there?). CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM -AFTERNOON A comfortably furnished, quietly luxurious living room opening from a kitchen. The front door flies open and a teen-age boy, carrying school books (do they still have those?) enters the room. He is very typical of the variety of teen-age boy. Not a nerd; but not particularly cool either. Just a Nice Kid. His name is BILLY JENKINS. He ushers into the room a teen-age girl. Typical of her variety. Not a nerd. Not one of the cool girls. Not a Mean Girl either; unless pressed. And only then is she Mean Girl Adjacent. They are both dressed the way typical teens of today dress. H & M? Hot Topics? The Limited? I don't know... Her name is CINDY STACKPOLE. BILLY Thanks for coming over Cindy. It's so good of you to help me study for this. I can't believe Mr. Manoogian is springing this test on us tomorrow. CINDY I know. I'd rather he just pop-quizzed us today and gotten it over with. BILLY (Pulling out chair at dining room table) Here, make yourself comfortable. CINDY Thanks Billy. Her hand grazes his and they both freeze and stare into each other's eyes, blushing. The moment is broken when: MRS. JENKINS (O/S from upstairs) Billy, is that you? BILLY Yeah Mom! MRS. JENKINS (O/S) Why do you keep calling me that? Who's that with you? Didn't I tell you the girls were coming over? BILLY (Shaking his head) I forgot. Cindy Stackpole is here-- MRS. JENKINS (O/S) That little two-face?!!? CINDY Gee...maybe I should go. BILLY No. It's okay. I can explain. We've kinda got a Twin Peaks situation here. CINDY What's that? BILLY What? CINDY "Twin Peaks?" BILLY It's a TV show from before we were born that old people watched. KRISTEN WIIG as MRS. (JENNA JENKINS) appears at the top of a staircase. Despite being well past traditional cheerleader age, she is wearing a complete cheering outfit with a large "A" beneath the silhouette of a bird (a titmouse) on her chest and carries two ginormous pom-poms which she shakes during her routine as she comes down the stairs. MRS. JENKINS "A" is for our awesomeness and don't you forget it! "N" is for our Neat-O-ness, we NEVAH regret it! "Y" is for our Youthful spirit; we know that you Get it! Put it in our town and WHUT does that get it? ANYTOWN TITMICE...AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!!! She does a few kicks and then the splits. BILLY That was great, Mom--uhh--Jenna! MRS. JENKINS Thanks Billy. You're so sweet! Now why is she here? BILLY She's gonna help me study for the chemistry exam. CINDY Yeah, we have chemistry together--oh, I mean--we're partners--in chemistry class! MRS. JENKINS I heard that you told Sheila Minnix that Roberta Testarossa's cousin Sal Provenzano was heavy petting me in the back seat of his uncle's Corolla-Tercel at the drive-in. First of all, it's not true. And second of all, you shouldn't be talking about people behind their backs. And third of all, it was Vinny Provenzano and it was his grandfather's Impala. BILLY That wasn't Cindy, Jenna. It was Maria Cogliano... MRS. JENKINS Oh. Well, in that case. I'm hungry. Do you guys want some La Choy mini egg-rolls? CINDY I love those! MRS. JENKINS I'll be right back. She goes into the kitchen. CINDY What's a "drive-in"? Before he can answer, the DOORBELL rings. He goes to the door and opens it and several grown women, all in Anytown Titmouse cheerleader outfits rush in. There are four ladies, all with pom-poms. The Pom-Pom Moms. TRISTA (AMY POEHLER), CASSIE (TINA FEY), ANGELICA (LISA KUDROW) and MARISSA (MAYA RUDOLPH). Marissa is actually much older than the others and is Billy's GRANDMOTHER. The ladies shake their pom-poms and carry on much like excited young women who are the cheerleading type might; particularly if it was the 1950's; but it's not. POM-POM MOMS (Overlapping) Hi Billy! Oh, you're so cute! Are you going to the Spring Fling? Where's Jenna? I'm hungry? Should we order a pizza pie? ETC. and SO ON. BILLY Jenna's in the kitchen making a snack. Why don't you go help her? There are SQUEALS OF DELIGHT and GIGGLES and TITTERS as the four women rush into the kitchen and the door swings behind them. CINDY I'm really confused Billy. Why are you calling your mom "Jenna" and why are those ladies dressed like that and who's the one with the white hair and the cigarette? BILLY That's my grandmother. You see, there was an accident. They're all in the same Bible book club and they were on their way to church and the van went off the road and they all hit their heads. When they came to, they all thought they were back in high school. The blows to their heads, like changed their personalities or something... CINDY Is it permanent? BILLY The doctors say no. That it's some kind of group shared hysterical fugue. Whatever that means. The Pom-Pom Moms come rushing back out of the kitchen with snacks, which they place on the table. TRISTA Billy, wanna see our new cheer? I wrote it myself! BILLY Sure. TRISTA Yay! Come on girls! The women form a line and launch into their routine, which includes a lot of pom-pom shaking and straddling of the sofa. POM POM MOMS (ALL) We're the Anytown Titmouse squad; so take a sec and stop checkin' our bods. We've got something to say and we didn't come to play! Oh, NAY NAY but we did come to PLAY! The routine is quite involved and at some point there's a DISCO BREAK with a line dance. (ALL / CHANT SINGING) Fly, titmouse fly! Fly titmouse fly. Fly titmouse fly. Up, up to the sky! They proceed to throw Grandma Marissa (Maya R.) into the air, catch her and repeat the process. MARISSA (Puffing on cigarette) Whadya think cutie? BILLY Great grand--ah--Marissa. CASSIE (Pointing at Cindy) Hey, Angelica-- ANGELICA Yeah? CASSIE Isn't she the one who who set your jogging brassiere on fire and then tried to flush it down the toilet? ANGELICA Yeah! That is her! Let's swirly this girly! The Pom-Pom Moms crowd around Cindy, and shake their pom-poms. CINDY Hey! Back off! Get outta my hair-space! TRISTA What school do you go to anyways? You're not a Titmouse! CASSIE Yeah. Beat it honey. Titmice only at this practice! CINDY It's "Titmouses"! ANGELICA Whatever. Cheerleaders only. Hit the bricks. BILLY Wait. She is a cheerleader! Show them your pom-poms, Cindy! Cindy reaches in her backpack and pulls out some pom-poms that are not Anytown Titmouse colors. MRS. JENKINS Those aren't Titmouse colors. Why are you in his chem class if you don't go to his school? CINDY I'm a free-lance cheerleader, after school. Me and my peeps sell magazine subscriptions... MARISSA I don't believe this broad. Prove it. Where's your squad? CINDY As a matter of fact, they're in the van down the street. Let me call them and we'll kick your collective ass! Cindy picks up her phone and dials(?). CINDY It's on! 732 Main Street! Before you can say: "Gimme a 'D'!" the door bursts open and a squad of "cheerleaders" burst in. They're a tad on the scruffy side; and wait...are they mostly middle-aged? The TEAM LEADER is a white haired, older gentleman, here being essayed by STEVE MARTIN. He's playing COACH STEVE. COACH STEVE What's going down Cindy? CINDY These beeatches think they're better than us! BILLY Could you not call my mentally impaired mother and grandmother "beeatches"? CINDY Sorry Billy; but you've neer been a cheerleader. You just don't get it. TRISTA Let's see what you've got old man! Coach Steve's squad consists of TRUDY, DIANE, BIFF, MORTY AND CO-CO. And Cindy, of course. They get in position and begin their cheer. COACH STEVE Clearing House Kids Roll-call! When you need a magazine and you're an overgrown teen...you'll cheer us! You'll see we're fear-luss! Clearing House kids call it out! TRUDY My name is miss Trudy and some say I'm moody: Here's a "C" ! (She holds up a card with the letter "C" on it). BIFF They all call me Biff; and on letters I'll riff: Here's an "H"! (Holds up card). DIANE I go by Diane and I have the best tan! Here's an "E"! (Holds up card) MORTY My names Mortimer and that's 'Morty" to you-- Coach Steve crashes through a paper circle with a picture of the Publisher's Clearing House Prize Patrol: COACH STEVE "...So die you gravy sucking pigs!" CO-CO Coach Steve, you're wrecking it! CINDY Yeah. Again. COACH STEVE Can I help it if I hit my head in a van accident? MRS. JENKINS That happened to all of us, too. COACH STEVE Maybe if we all banged our heads against the wall, we'd act our age. There is SILENCE as everyone looks to one another and considers this. Then... ALL (LOUDLY, WITH FEELING) Naaahhhhhh!!! Billy shrugs, cracks open his text book and starts studying as all the cheerleaders form a human pyramid. FADE OUT. And yes, I know I've jacked a lot of ideas from elsewhere. Gimme an H-O-M-A-G-E! BONUS:
Here are some actual cheers that could be used during this sketch (for time?) or whatevs. These are actual cheers Joseph recalled from his HS/Uni days. Don't feel bad Don't feel blue Frankenstein was ugly too! Move to the left Move to the right Peel your banana and OOOMMPH! Take a bite! And finally: C***s***er! Motherf***er! Eat a bag of s***! C***hair, Douche-bag S**k your Mama's t*t! We're the best frat, all the other s**k! We're Sigma Alpha Epsilon! Rah-Rah-F***! (And yes, they got Double-Secret-Probation). CFR 4/2/24 Notes: No, these two are not in this. Neither are these two: Although I'm sure if Ms. F wants to infiltrate The Hallmark Channel, she'll find a way. Might I suggest a Mean Girls Christmas? Or wait, did they already do that? Somebody did; like these Mean Quadruplet Girls: Well, that would be a good way to extract confessions. I was going to write a blog about Ms. Fey but then I got distracted. It was going to have something to do with her and Steamboat Willie; but then I didn't write notes and so I forgot what I was going to snipe about. But while we have the chance to rub it in Uncle Walt's face, let's do! You can't imagine how much Steamboat Willie content is already out there. Or maybe you can. I thought the above was one of the better ones (perhaps due to its brevity). I'm not a gore-hound or anything; but there is something about this one that intrigues. So, I'm going to try and concentrate solely on finishing this script for the time being. In any event... So, if you're following this particular thread (this script for a Hallmark TV Christmas movie that hopefully won't put you to sleep before the second or third commercial break); you'll know that it's entitled: Cumming Home for Christmas. Thus far, we're following the exploits of our leading lady, Honoria Cummings. Some call her "Ri-Ri" or "Ri." She works for a Big Business Conglomerate in Big City. Her boss Marlon Johnson might just have a work crush on Ri; but he's totally the non-committal type. They kind of spent the night together after consuming Christmas edible; but it's all kind of hazy. In the meantime, Ri has landed an important business account with a Japanese air-freshner company. Her next assignment is to return to her hometown in Vermont where she's going to have to shut down a restaurant that shouldn't even exist. It's a chain that belongs to Marlon's company but was supposed to have been phased out, long ago. We pick up the story as Ri and her assistant, Jurgin (an uptight middle-aged gay dude) are heading off to Vermont in Marlon's car; a self-driving Tesos that may or may not have a mind of its own. CUT TO: INT. GARAGE -DAY The car starts down the ramp and reaches the exit gate. CUT TO: INT. CAR -DAY MARLON Hal, please open the garage bay gate. HAL I'm afraid I can't do that Marlon. Jurgin looks back and exchanges a fearful glance with Honoria. Why is that scene so compelling?
JURGIN No way! I am not driving to Vermont with the computer from 2001! You did see that movie, did you not? MARLON Well, he actually can't open the gate. He's not a magician. Marlon rolls down the window and flashes his badge and the gate opens. The car proceeds. HONORIA I've never seen that. What about the computer? JURGIN He murders everybody! HAL That's not technically true Mr. Turpin-- JURGIN How does he know my last name? HOW DO YOU KNOW MY LAST NAME?!!? MARLON Everybody calm down! HONORIA I'm perfectly calm. MARLON You can have the car speak to you in any voice you like. I picked Hal because I thought it was funny. HONORIA How about Julia Child? MARLON Hal, change personal interface to Julia Child. HAL/JULIA (In JULIA CHILD'S VOICE) Bon appetit! Okay, so no more sidetracking with comedy sketches for shows I don't even work for. I am going to concentrate on finishing this teleplay. But, if something really pressing comes up, I'll do that. So, for now... Please see "Hallmark Movie Part 7" for the continution of this story. CFR 4/8/24 |
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April 2024
AUTHOR
Christopher Reidy is from the Boston area. He attended Boston University where he studied TV and film which eventually led him to Los Angeles. There he did the Hollywood thing (which he wasn’t particularly good at) and eventually met his partner Joseph. He was one of the co-founders of the short lived Off Hollywood Theatre Company which staged several of his original plays. 83 In the Shade is his first novel. He also dabbles in screenplays, toys with short stories, and flirts with poetry. Life brought him to bucolic Southwest Virginia where he now resides and is very active in community theatre. It may interest you to know Chris is officially an Irish citizen as well as an American. He also enjoys drawing and painting and looking after a passel of housecats and two turtles. |