Contains spoilers for The Leprechauns of Limerick and The Blimp.

Colin Farrell, I love you.  I'm so happy your work in The Leprechauns of Limerick (just kidding!) is being acknowledged.

Colin, please give up the ciggies.  We want you home, at the end of the world.  And I hope that's a nice soothing cup of chamomile tea.  And please stop shaving your pelt.  Also, would it kill you to do some full-frontal?  It's en vogue right now and we all know your frontal is full.  Frontiful.  TM/Reg./Pat.Pend.  

Brendan Fraser, I love you.  Your performance in The Blimp (just kidding!) was amazing!  But I'm torn, as I want both you and Colin to take home the gold.

Outie belly-buttons are not really my thing; but on you, it works!
Now, seriously, all kidding aside.  Colin.  Brendan.  I want my money back.  Or maybe I should be asking your directors for the money.  Yeah, okay.  So, Martin. Darren.  I want my money back.  You both owe me a combined total of $19.00. Oh wait, make that $38.00, since my husband had to suffer through your most recent pictures as well.  And the key word here is "suffer."
Martin.  Darren.  I think you've confused suffering with drama.  Okay, I knew going in to The Whale what I was in for.  There was no way to skew that one as a comedy.  However, I do most decidedly feel that I was hoodwinked by the promotional material for The Banshees of Inisherin.  Let's take a look:

Okay, well...the tone here is rural Irish; and is that not "comedic" in and of itself?  Or is the melancholy bleakness of Ireland and the Irish the joke?  Because being that morose is pretty funny, isn't it? The beginning of the trailer is scored in such a way as to signal "comedy."  Many of the moments in the trailer are "comedic" moments, mostly at the expense of Colin's character, who is a "boring" dolt.  The premise is put forth: leave me alone you boring dolt or I'll cut my fingers off.  Hilarious!  Of course, being a fiddler, he wouldn't really cut his fingers off!  Right?
Later in the trailer, we see Colin crying and dramatically throwing something.  But still, these images seem to be being presented as a kind of dark slapstick.  When I went to see it, I went in expecting a kind of Irish Odd Couple; but that's not what I got.  Does he cut off his finger?  You bet he does.  Not just the one; but four of them; which he then pelts Colin's cottage with.  Side-splitting!  Not only that, Colin's beloved pet donkey attempts to eat the fingers and chokes to death.  I couldn't stop laughing as Colin weeped over the dead donkey!  And when he then went on a murderous/arsonist rampage it was non-stop mirth until the credits rolled!
This was nothing more than watching Colin SUFFER for two hours. Granted, he suffered beautifully.  The man is a beautiful actor.  Not to mention beautiful.  I'm sorry, but the Irish are lovers of beauty.  I didn't buy for a second that Mr. Gleeson's character would cut himself off from that source of beauty.  I don't care how boring "Padraig" was.  Anyone would give their eye teeth (or fingers!) to sit there and stare at him over a pint or six.  That's why beautiful boring people get a pass.  You can be boring if you're beautiful; but damn, you better have something else up your sleeve if you're not.

And an Irishman given the gift of music WOULD NEVER divest himself of that gift.  He just wouldn't.  As I watched the movie I thought to myself: who would do that?  No one, that's who.  Especially an Irish person.  As I watched the movie, as a matter of fact, I thought: "An Irish person wouldn't act this way."  Is this dismemberment supposed to be some kind of metaphor or symbolism or fill in the literary blank?  Is it, in fact, in its extremity, supposed to be funny.  Or should I say extremities?  I'm gonna say...yes?  What else could have been the intention?  Except it wasn't funny.  Not in the least.  Why is this film being sold as a comedy?  It's a bleak drama about a child-like man rejecting his goodness due to the inexplicable cruelty of his "friend."  It was nominated at the Golden Globs (sic) in the Comedy or Musical category.  Well, I guess it did have music up until Brendan chopped his first finger off.
And if Padraig is so friggin' boring; who else on Inisherin is supplying Brendan's character with the intellectual and aesthetic stimulation he seems to require, suddenly, after his seventy plus years of living on a barren rock?  The sheep?  Because it's certainly not any of the other denizens of the island that the movie presents to us.
Do you think perhaps that instead of kicking this innocent in the balls and pushing him off a cliff and literally giving him the finger, that maybe Brendan's character might've...oh, I don't know...taught Padraig HOW TO PLAY A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT?  Wouldn't that have made him a little less boring?  And he wouldn't have had to listen to his conversational drivel, as Padraig would now have a tin whistle in his mouth.

But that's just me.
So, let's review.  

This Musical and/or Comedy has:
Dismemberment: check.
Pervy nasty priest: check
Pervy nasty policeman: check
Incestuous same sex molestation: check
Arson: check
Attempted murder: check
Conversations about incest: check
Betrayal: check
Old crone ageism: check
Familial abandonment: check
Adorable donkey death: check

I can't wait for the musical stage version.
Let's watch the trailer for The Whale!

Hmmmmm...
Now see, this trailer too, is rather misleading.  This makes it seem like a story of hope and the goodness of people.  Caring people.  People who need people.  People who need people, are the luckiest people. IN. THE. WORLD.

The Whale, it seems to me, goes beyond suffering into full blown torture.  It's as though Brendan's been trapped in a mound of refuse, clapped inside a bell jar and subjected to as many degradations as the writers can conjure; and then some more; because, well, why not?  That quote pull from the trailer is a little ironic. "A sensational film of rare compassion." Senasationalism maybe.  And rare compassion, yes; because this is the exact opposite of compassion.  It's a film of heartlessness: literally.  The character literally loses his heart; and we get to see every wheezy, sweaty moment of it.
Why?
What is this movie trying to say?  For the life of me, I couldn't figure it out.  Was he supposed to be some kind of martyr figure, absorbing the sins of the world; because he deserved it, as he had abandoned his family...for another man?  What's with the Moby Dick metaphor?  Brendan's tormentors all live and he croaks.  In Moby Dick, Moby handily (finily?) demolishes all of his tormentors and swims away.  Did I miss something?  I sat trapped in that Skinner's box of and apartment and watched as Brendan was humiliated, abused, tortured, despised, insulted and excoriated.  Somehow he managed to maintain a positive outlook. Was his fatness a metaphor for being gay?  I mean he was fat and gay already.  Was this just piling on, so to speak?
I'm just gonna be honest here...by the time we get to the mother telling Brendan their daughter is "evil"; I think the film turns to camp.  When the mother said it, I nearly did a spit take.  By the time Brendan looms up and walks to his daughter at the end: I swear to God I thought he was going to fall on top of her and take her out too.  Which would've been fine with me.  She was FROM HELL.  Why was Sadie Sink, a very good actress, directed to play 99 and 44/100ths of her performance as a raging...let's just say...beeotch?

Sadie Sink, seen here in one of the many light moments from The Whale​

Really.  She was so nasty!  Going as far as to call her father's dead lover a "faggot."  Hey, I'm sorry...what's with the word "faggot" cropping up in all these gay penned projects of late.  Sorry; but that doesn't fly with me.  A sister says it to her brother in that Teen Cannibals In Love movie; and now here.  Both times, completely gratuitous and unwarranted uses.  
​The final straw for me was the shattered plate outside the window, where Brendan was feeding the birds.  We can't even allow him that one gesture of beauty?  Who smashed the plate?  We're never told explicitly but all signs point to Sadie.  I'm certain if her character could've, she would've broken the starling's neck and ripped it's wings off and threw them at her father.  No, wait...maybe the final straw was when Brendan revealed himself to his students and one of the women practically licked her lips as she raised her smart phone to chronicle poor Brendan's latest humiliation; which we can assume will live on in perpetuity once the student uploads it to Youtube.  Or was the final straw when the pizza delivery man--the only person who was truly kind to him--gets a look at The Whale and runs away with bug eyes and a silent scream.  Yeah, maybe that was the final indignity.  I'm truly surprised we didn't get a scene of The Whale "going to the bathroom."  I mean, we did (literally) get a scene of him going to the bathroom; the implied setup: Gee, how does someone that enormous "go to the bathroom."  Which begs the question: "Gee, how is he able to masturbate?"  Because, when he's presented to us full screen with no shirt, it appears there's no way he could do either.  I don't know about you; but I don't generally want to be thinking of such things when I'm being "entertained."
​I could go on, because the more I think about this film, the angrier I get.  Full disclosure: yes, there were people sobbing in the theater.  Was catharsis achieved?  I don't know.  Perhaps they were tears of relief that movie was finally ending.
Wait...I will go on.  

They kept showing us Brendan gazing into the pristine bedroom he shared with his late boyfriend.  Another form of torture.  Was this supposed to represent heaven?  Couldn't the writer have thrown his character a few bones in the form of flashbacks to this very room, with the lover, when he was happy?  Not only would it have given another actor a job, it would've given the audience a respite.  But that's just me.  No.  We cannot let Brendan into that bedroom! He's in HELL, remember?  'Cuz he's gay and a fat slob and he abandoned his family.  With all this talk of God in the movie, did the writer and director miss the fact that they are the Gods of the world they've created?  I hope so; because if they didn't; they are some cruel and unusual gods.  His go to "happy" memory is of being on the beach, his feet in freezing cold water, with the two shrews he calls a "family"?  And why didn't he have health insurance?  He had a job.  Where were his parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, friends?  The whole plot was set-up as a death trap for this poor, doomed man.  Who was beautifully played by Mr. Fraser.  I don't think there is any other actor who could've pulled it off or done it better.  Mr. Fraser radiates a genuine and compassionate kindness.  He is the only good thing in the movie.
Okay, I'm done.
​Let's talk Oscars!

​Chris' Oscar (TM/Reg./Pat Pend.) take:
ASTROLOGICAL AND CANCELATION (NOT CANCEL CULTURE) PHENOMENOLOGY:
So, Brendan Fraser and Bill Nighy are both Sagittarius.  Austin Butler is a Leo.  Colin Farrell is a Gemini. And Paul Mescal is an Aquarius.  This bodes for some very interesting astrological criss-crossing.  Brendan and Bill as same signs, may cancel one another out.  However, Sagittarius and Gemini are balancing signs.  And as Gemini is the twins, there are actually two Colin Farrells up for the award: so, the four of them may cancel one another out; leaving Austin and Paul.  But Austin is a Leo and Paul is an Aquarius: another pair of balancing signs; so they may cancel one another out...which would mean no one would win.  Which, couldn't really happen...
CULTURAL CANCELATION PHENOMENOLOGY (NOT CANCEL CULTURAL): 
So, we've got two Irish nationals with Colin and Paul.  And we've got a Brit with Bill Nighy.  And Austin and Brendan are both American.  So, by the Cancelation Phenomenon of Oscar Categorization (e.g.: two people nominated in the same category will both cancel each other out and neither will win) all predictors say, in this case, that Colin and Paul will knock each other out of the running and Brendan and Austin, the same.  Which leaves Bill Nighy, who is most assuredly a critical darling (I know I love him!); and this might be "his time."  Austin, being a newbie had slight chances; but now that Lisa Marie has passed away (not to be crass; but it's true) that could very much bolster his chances.  I think, like me, NOBODY has any idea who Paul Mescal is (and I see a lot of movies); or have even seen or heard of the movie he's nominated for.  So he has the slimmest chance of all.  So really, the way the stars (and Stars) have aligned, it's really anyone's game, except for Paul.  Except in the event that the other four all knock one another off: it could very well be Paul.
We shall see...
So, that's $38.00 plus a double-suffering surcharge of $10.00 each for a grand total of:
$58.00
Ciao for now.
Chris

P.S.: How about this: Darren, you direct a musical movie version of Guys and Dolls with Brendan as Sky Masterson and Joaquin Phoenix as Nathan Detroit. Jennifer Connelly, Naomi Watts and Michelle Williams are "The Dolls" of course! Just a straight up redo.  No subtext.  No metatext. No metaphor. No meta anything.  And Martin, you could star Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson in The Irish Rovers Story.  I don't think anyone gets dismembered in that one. And Colin, you're going to have to learn how to play the Irish banjo; but you can do it!

CFR 2/2/23

Remember that actress, Pandora Spocks, who played "Serena" on Bewitched?  She was Samantha's (Elizabeth Montgomery) cousin.  I was thinking about sitcoms; which is why I'm mentioning this extraordinary; but sadly, forgotten actress.
Her name was a clever pun on Pandora's Box (duh).  I read that some A/I program is capable of writing Seinfeld scripts.  How?  Well, because human beings are showing it how to.  Why?  Well, humans just can't resist opening Pandora's Box(!).  We already saw Watson the computer whip every humans ass on the set of Jeopardy!  And that was like ten years ago.  A/I has shown us that it can create artwork as amazing as any Renaissance master; perhaps even better.  Why?  Well, because humans dumped a bunch of human created art into the program and told the computer to extrapolate.  And now A/I is extrapolating our asses off.

​So, apparently actual human writers were using the A/I to come up with the Seinfeld script.  What are you thinking writers?  You don't think that maybe, oh, I don't know, ABC might just have all its sit-coms penned by a computer in order to fire their writing staffs?  Writing staffs are expensive.  Writing staffs need Health and Dental.  A computer program doesn't.
A/I is already putting human artists out of business.  Hey, why pay a human when you can just pay the one time fee for the program and get all the ART you want?  Looking at the above "painting" though; as beautiful as it is...there's something soulless about it.  At the rate it's going, A/I will be able to generate all kinds of filmed entertainment: from penning its own scripts to creating "deep-fake" actors.  Kiss that $20 million dollar paycheck goodbye, Brad and Julia.
In any event, now that I'm a Seinfeld fan, my thought was: fuck you A/I.  I can write a Seinfeld script better than you can. So that's what I'm going to do.  I recently was running an idea for an episode of Seinfeld past my husband, Joseph, and he (a long time fan of the show) started pinging ideas back at me.  So tune in to this blog post for the upcoming "H/I" Seinfeld sit-com script!

​SEINFELD

"The Peekers"
Written by
Christopher F. Reidy & J.R. Butts
INT. MEN'S REST ROOM AT PENDANT PUBLISHING -DAY
George enters the rest-room.  There are three urinals.  The first and third are taken by two men in suits.  George, also in a suit, takes the middle urinal.  He begins his business and looks up at the ceiling.  Then down.  Then quickly to his left.  He looks up again.  Looks down again and then quickly to his right.  The man on his right is CHARLIE SHERMAN, late 30's/early 40's.  He turns his head to the left and George quickly stares up at the ceiling again.
CHARLIE
George?  Is that Georgie Costanza?
GEORGE
Yeah...oh, hey...it's Charlie, right...Charlie...?
CHARLIE
Sherman!  Hey George it's good to see you!
GEORGE
Yeah, Charlie...you too.  I'd shake your hand but; well...my hand is currently unavailable.
CHARLIE
(Laughs) So, what brings you back to Pendant?
GEORGE
Well, you know, baseball is great and all; but I really missed the fast paced world of publishing.
CHARLIE
Couldn't do anything else.
GEORGE
I hear you.  I mean it's the words, right?  All those words!  Just love the words!
CHARLIE
And the pages!
GEORGE
Don't even get me started on the pages!  Oh boy: THE PAGES!
The man at the first urinal zips up, flushes and leaves.
GEORGE
Did he wash his hands?  He didn't wash his hands!  Who does that?!!?
CHARLIE
Yeah, that guy.  And he always wants to shake hands whenever he sees you.
Charlies zips up as does George and they both go to the sink and wash their hands.
CHARLIE
I'll tell you one thing Georgie...cleanliness is next to Godliness...
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah it sure is...
George watches in stunned disbelief as Charlie removes his suit jacket, tie and shirt and proceeds to wash his armpits; which he then dries with the hand-blowdryer.
CUT TO:
INT.  MONK'S CAFE  -NIGHT
JERRY
He dried his underarms with the blow-dryer? I don't believe what I'm hearing!
GEORGE
That's the part you find strange?
JERRY
Unbelievable!
GEORGE
Well, believe it...(stirring some milk into his coffee)...Jerry, can I tell you something?
JERRY
Sure. What?
GEORGE
I peeked...
JERRY
I know George.  It happened in high school.
GEORGE
I'm not saying "peaked": P-E-A-K; I'm saying "peeked": P-E-E-K; as in "peek-a-boo."
JERRY
"Peeked"?  What did you peek at?
GEORGE
You know...
JERRY
No! I'm afraid I don't!

GEORGE
So, you've never peeked at another guys...you know...when you were at the urinal?
JERRY
No!  Those things have partitions.  Besides the rule is, you leave the one between you empty.
GEORGE
Sometimes those things don't have partitions and sometimes there are NO empties!
JERRY
Well, then I'll use a stall or I'll wait.
GEORGE
Well, whatever.  But you're telling me you never peeked?  Not once; ever in your life?
JERRY
...no...
GEORGE
You're telling me you never even inadvertently glanced?  A side-eye?  Your curiosity never got the better of you and you peeked because you wanted to know how you...size up...in the pecking order?
(George is unaware that Elaine has entered the cafe and is standing behind him, taking her coat off)
ELAINE
​Did you just say "pecker"​?
(She slides into the booth next to George)
GEORGE
No. I said "pecking."
ELAINE
"Pecking" like a chicken?
GEORGE
More like a "woodpecker."
ELAINE
I love woodpeckers!  They're my favorite bird!
JERRY
Really?  I would've thought maybe an oriole for you.  Or a parakeet.
GEORGE
How about a mockingbird?  Or a raven maybe?
ELAINE
Nope.  Woodpeckers. And speaking of pecking, I'm starving. I'm peckish! I think I'll have an unsalad.
​JERRY
What's an "unsalad."
ELAINE
It's a diet thing.  I'm watching my weight.
JERRY
But what is it?
ELAINE
​Oh, well, it's a salad without the greens.  Just the dressing and the crackers.  It's really tasty!
GEORGE
So, you just dip the crackers into the dressing? (Elaine nods)  And this helps you lose weight? (She nods again) Okay.  Hey, listen, Elaine...have you ever peeked?
​ELAINE
Do you mean like..."peek-a-boo"?
​GEORGE
​Like peeked at another woman's (he looks down)...you know...when you're in the bathroom somewhere?
ELAINE
What? No!
GEORGE
Oh really?
ELAINE
Even if I wanted to do that George; ladies rooms have stalls. 
JERRY
Yeah George. It's not like a prison with the toilet in the middle of the room!
GEORGE
What about the locker room at the gym?  Huh?  What about that?
ELAINE
Oh well that's different.  That's not peeking; that's just looking.  So, you're saying you peek at other guys (she looks down)...you know...when you're in the bathroom?  How?
GEORGE
When you're at the urinal.  ALL guys do it.
ELAINE
Have you ever done it Jerry?
JERRY
Fine.  Yes.  ​Out of curiosity. It's kind of a guy thing.
​ELAINE
When was the last time you peeked?
JERRY
I don't know...a month ago?
ELAINE
How about you George?
GEORGE
Today.
ELAINE
At Pendant?  Who?  Who did you peek at?  Do I know him?
GEORGE
Charlie Sherman.
ELAINE
Charlie Sherman?!?  I do know him!  He's cute.
GEORGE
That's not all he is--
ELAINE
What?  Is he someone you'd want to get a peek of?
GEORGE
Is he ever.
JERRY
You mean...?
GEORGE
Oh, I mean it.
ELAINE
So, Charlie is like...gifted...in that department?
GEORGE
And wrapped!  The biggest peek I've ever peeked!
ELAINE
I've never seen one that was "wrapped."  I want a peek!  How can I get a peek?
JERRY
You've never seen one that was wrapped?
ELAINE
No, well, I'm not sure...by the time I see them, it's hard to tell.  Now I really want a peek!
JERRY
Have you gone off the deep end?
ELAINE
It's curiosity Jerry.  It's CURIOSITY!
JERRY
What are you?  A cat?

GEORGE
This guy is in that bathroom like clockwork: four fifteen, every day, on the dot.
JERRY
What?  Elaine's gonna go down to the Pendant Publishing men's room and use the urinal?
ELAINE
Why not?
JERRY
You really are insane.  Well, first, and I'm sure not least, it's illegal!
ELAINE
Says who?
GEORGE
​Is it?
JERRY
Pretty sure.
ELAINE
But not one hundred percent?
Jerry stands. 
GEORGE
Where are you going?
JERRY
Well, with all this talk of bathrooms; now I gotta go.  Would you two like to come and have a peek.
GEORGE
Seen it.  No thanks.  
ELAINE
Me too.  Pass.  I only have eyes for Charlie Sherman.
GEORGE
And you sir, are no Charlie Sherman. 
JERRY
Oh my God!  Crazy people.  I'm eating with crazy people...
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT -NIGHT
Jerry, George and Elaine enter the apartment where Kramer is on the couch, munching on crackers. He dips them into a bowl of dressing as he watches the TV.
KRAMER
Hey kids!
JERRY
What are you doing here?
KRAMER
My set's on the fritz and I didn't want to miss Matlock.
JERRY
God forbid.
GEORGE
(Leaning over Kramer's shoulder)  You having one of those unsalads?
KRAMER
Mmmm! So tasty!
ELAINE(Sitting next to Kramer) Say, Kramer, have you ever peeked at a urinal?
KRAMER
Not for a long time.
ELAINE
Why?
KRAMER
Don't need to.  I know exactly where I fall in the pecking order.
GEORGE
And where is that?
KRAMER
The eighty-ninth percentile, give or take.
JERRY
I'm not even going to ask.  So Kramer, get this: Elaine wants to go to the men's room at Pendant Publishing and peek at some guys "woodpecker."
KRAMER
Whose?
JERRY
Does it matter?

KRAMER
And how do you propose to do this Elaine?
ELAINE
I suppose I'd have to don a disguise!  Jerry can I borrow your suit?
JERRY
No.
ELAINE
George?
GEORGE
Are you kidding?  In one of my suits, you'd look the guy from The Talking Heads.
KRAMER
Elaine, I have a friend who can help.
ELAINE
How?
KRAMER
She's a "drag king."
JERRY
What's that?
KRAMER
Well, we've all heard of men who enjoy wearing the clothing of the female sex.  Often for entertainment purposes; but also, as a sort of hobby.  In the parlance, these men are often referred to as "drag queens," although some may prefer "female impersonator" or "female illusionist."
GEORGE
Well, who doesn't know that?
KRAMER
The "drag king" is usually a woman who puts on the traditional clothing of the male.  Which is what my friend Marissa Manoogian does.
JERRY
And what does she do when she's doing this?
KRAMER
She actually does stand-up Jerry and she's really good.  You better watch out!  Her stage name is "Myron."
GEORGE
Myron Manoogian!  As a matter of fact; Charlie Sherman was raving about him the other day.
ELAINE
Her.
JERRY
Never heard of him.
KRAMER
Her.
ELAINE
Do you think Myron could give me some pointers?
KRAMER
Marissa--
ELAINE
Do you think Marissa could give me some pointers?
KRAMER
Actually, I'm having dinner with her tomorrow night.  Why don't you come and ask her?
ELAINE
Okay, that'd be great.  Well, boys...or should I say "kings"?  I've gotta get going.
KRAMER
I'll walk you out.  This Matlock is a repeat.
(They say so long and leave.  Jerry sits and tries the "unsalad")
JERRY
This really is pretty good!
GEORGE
Let me try. (He sits, dips, nods in agreement). It really is!  But how do you lose weight?
JERRY
Well, look at how small these crackers are.
GEORGE
Oh yeah.
JERRY
Can you help me out tomorrow?  I've gotta find a present for Elaine's birthday, which is coming up fast.
GEORGE
Sure Jerry. (Dips and eats another cracker)  Unsalad.  Who knew?  So delicious!
JERRY
And slimming!
(They continue to eat)
FADE OUT

​ACT 2
​INT. MARISSA MANOOGIAN'S LOFT  -DAY
MARISSA MANOOGIAN, 40s, is a petite, round faced woman with a very New Yawk, yet jovial attitude.  She is wearing a rather feminine outfit of a skirt, sweater and knee-high boots.  Kramer sits in a chair and watches as Marissa pulls some men's clothing from a rack and presents several selections to Elaine, who is the process of putting her hair under a cap in front of a mirror.
MARISSA
How about the houndstooth?
ELAINE
I think it's a little...bold.
KRAMER
Marissa, we don't want her to be too conspicuous.  We want her to blend in...may I use your phone?
MARISSA
Sure Cosmo.
Kramer picks up the phone.  CUT TO a shot of his answering machine in his apartment.  We hear Kramer's voice after the machine's BEEP:
"Hello, you have reached Cosmo Kramer.  As I am unavailable at the moment, I would invite you to leave a recorded message after the tone..."  CUT back to Kramer as he punches in the code.  Then we hear Jerry's voice: "Hey Kramer, give me a call when you get this: I need some information about woodpeckers..."
CUT back to Marissa's loft:
KRAMER
Oooh...woodpeckers...
ELAINE
Did you just say "pecker"?
KRAMER
Elaine, never mind about me.  You need to concentrate on your inner king.
ELAINE
You're right.
KRAMER
I usually am...

Kramer dials Jerry's number as he moves out of earshot of Elaine and Marissa.
CUT TO:
Jerry's apartment.  Jerry and George are watching a game on TV.  The phone rings and Jerry answers it.
JERRY
Hello?
KRAMER
Hi, Jerry, it's Kramer.  So you want to pick my mind about woodpeckers?
JERRY
Yeah so, we learned recently that Elaine's favorite bird is the woodpecker--
KRAMER
What kind?
JERRY
I don't know...she didn't say.  Are there different kinds?
KRAMER
Yes!  There are two-hundred plus species in the world and at least sixteen different types in North America!
JERRY
I don't know....something that looks like Woody Woodpecker, I guess.
KRAMER
Well, now you're talking the "pileated" or the "ivory billed."
JERRY
Fine.  The last one.
KRAMER
Well, that one has more than likely gone extinct.  There hasn't been an Ivory bill spotting since the early Forties!
JERRY
Then the other one!
KRAMER
Well Jerry keeping one as a pet isn't such a good idea.  And Elaine has all that beautiful wood molding at her place. He'd wreck it.  Besides it's against the law.
JERRY
I didn't say I wanted a live one.  A statue maybe.  Or a stuffed one...
KRAMER
As in a mounted taxidermic specimen?
JERRY
Yeah, I suppose, as long as it wasn't shedding or anything.
KRAMER
It's called "molting."
JERRY
Kramer, can you help me or not?
KRAMER
Well, as a matter of fact, I know a retired ornithologist from Columbia, who may very well have exactly what you're looking for.  He lives out on Roosevelt Island.  Let me give you his number and address...
Jerry grabs a pen and writes.
JERRY
Great, thanks Kramer.  You're a pal! (He hangs up).  That Kramer is a real mensch!  Come on George; go splash some water on your face...
GEORGE
Why?
JERRY
We're going to Roosevelt Island!  We've got a man to see about a picking out a pickled pecker!

CUT TO:
INT. ROOSEVELT ISLAND SKY-TRAM -DAY
Jerry and George are practically the only two people on the tram.  They're standing, looking out the window.
GEORGE
Ya know, I've never been on this thing before.
JERRY
You've never been on the Roosevelt Island tram before?
GEORGE
No, why would I be going to Roosevelt Island?  Ever?
JERRY
I don't know...sightseeing?  I believe there are several sights to see.
GEORGE
Like what?
JERRY
I don't know, I've never been to Roosevelt Island before.
GEORGE
Then why did you say it like you had?
JERRY
Had what?
GEORGE
Been to Roosevelt Island!
Jerry shrugs.  As the tram passes one of the support pylons, it bumps a little.
GEORGE
What was that?
JERRY
A little turbulence.  It's windy up here.
GEROGE
I'll say.  And we're so high up.  How high up do you suppose we are?
JERRY
A couple a hundred feet maybe?  Like twenty stories or so?
GEORGE
(Throws his arms around Jerry) I hate heights!  Get me off of this thing!
JERRY
How can you live in New York City and hate heights?
GEORGE
I live in Queens Jerry.  There's nothing there higher than three stories!
JERRY
Calm down.  We're almost there.
George begins to hyperventilate.  He points up at an open window.
GEORGE
Why is that window open Jerry?  Why would this thing have windows that can open?  Why?  WHY?!!?
CUT TO:
INT. PROFESSOR NUTALL'S APARTMENT -DAY
PROFESSOR MERIAM NUTALL, Late 70s, crosses the living room of his cramped apartment as he goes to answer the door. The room is covered nearly floor to ceiling with antique prints of birds and taxidermic specimens of birds. He adjusts his glasses and looks through the peep-hole.
PROF. NUTALL
Who is it?
JERRY
(O/S) It's Jerry Seinfeld Professor Nutall and my friend George.  We spoke on the phone--
PROF. NUTALL
Oh yes!  We spoke at length about the family Picidae; in particular "dryocopus pileatus"! (He opens the door)
JERRY
Yes Sir.  At looooooonnnnnggggg length.

PROF. NUTALL (Moves his face close to Jerry's)
Please come in!
GEORGE (To Jerry, under his breath)
Oh boy, we've got a close talker here.
PROF. NUTALL
Good looking young man, if I do say so!
JERRY
Oh, ah, thank you, Sir.
PROF. NUTALL
(Moving in too close on George)  A most agreeable countenance!
GEORGE
​Ah, thank you Professor, Sir.
PROF. NUTALL
Please, call me Meriam.
JERRY
"Miriam"?
PROF. NUTALL
Meeriam...
GEORGE
Like the dictionary?
PROF. NUTALL
Precisely.  And I must apologize if I'm "getting in your face" as they say; but I've misplaced my bifocals and I can't see a thing.
JERRY
Would you like us to help you look for them?
PROF. NUTALL
Oh, thank you, but no.  I think I left them at a restaurant on the mainland.
JERRY
Oh, I see...
PROF. NUTALL
​Well, I don't! (He laughs)  Do you think I could do stand-up Mr. Seinfeld?
JERRY
I don't know...maybe?
PROF. NUTALL
The world of ornithology can be quite amusing!
GEORGE
Yeah, just look at Donald Duck.  He doesn't wear pants.  Hilarious!
JERRY
What about Tweety Bird?  We can't forget Tweety Bird.
PROF. NUTALL
Oh yes, that most delightfully mischievous Serinus Canaria! (Moving towards a table covered with different taxidermy woodpeckers)  Well, here they are.  And you were interested in a specimen of the pileated variety?
JERRY
Yes, ah, Meriam.
PROF. NUTALL
(Picks up a large, red-crested woodpecker) Did you know that a woodpecker can peck some twenty times a second; with a force of up to fourteen-hundred g's?
JERRY
Actually, you did mention it, on the phone...
PROF. NUTALL
Did I tell you how they avoid concussing their brains?
JERRY
​Well, Meriam--
PROF. NUTALL
It's fascinating!  Their skulls, you see, are designed in such a way...
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Jerry and George are on a small sofa.  Prof. Nutall is still talking about birds. Jerry is doing everything he can to keep his eyes open.  George, who has drifted off, SNORTS and startles himself.
GEORGE
Who!  What!  Where!??! 
PROF. NUTALL
What?
JERRY
(Seizing opportunity)  Well, Meriam, we've gotta get going or we're going to miss this birthday party.  So, we said fifty bucks for the bird, right?
PROF. NUTALL
Yes, yes that is the sum I believe we agreed on.
JERRY
(Thrusts cash into Prof. Nutall's  hand and grabs the bird and chucks it in a shopping bag he brought)  Well thank you so much Professor--
PROF. NUTALL
Meriam!
JERRY
Yeah, whatever.  Come on George! (He's out the door)
GEORGE
Well, thank you Miriam.  That was most enlightening.
PROF. NUTALL
Meriam!
GEORGE
Yeah, whatever.  G'bye!

CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APT. -DAY
Jerry and George enter the apartment. There are racks of men's clothing everywhere. Kramer, Marissa Manoogian (now dressed as a "King") and NEWMAN are seated, watching the TV.  Newman turns from the sofa and looks at Jerry.
JERRY
Hello Newman...
NEWMAN
Hello Jerry...
JERRY
Is this my apartment or Penn Station?  What's going on?
KRAMER
King Elaine is about to make his debut and my place wasn't big enough for all the accoutrements.  Did you get the...WP?
JERRY
(Holds up shopping bag) Right here! 
ELAINE 
(Calling out from bathroom O/S) Okay, I think I'm ready...
MARISSA
(In a masculine voice) Okay Elaine...(She leaps up and stands near the table).
The bathroom door opens and Elaine comes out.  She's quite convincingly dressed as a man, in a beautifully tailored classic business suit.  She also has a mustache and a gentleman's haircut.  The "illusion" is quite convincing.
ELAINE
(In her own voice)  Well, whadaya think?
MARISSA
Out door voice Elaine; outdoor voice.
ELAINE
(Dropping her voice) Well, come on...could I pass?
GEORGE
I don't believe it!
JERRY
I gotta say...wow...
NEWMAN
It's uncanny!
KRAMER
KISMET!!!
ELAINE
I gotta say...I feel very...empowered!
MARISSA
Walk the walk, dude...
Elaine walks across the floor, very much like a woman would.
MARISSA
Elaine, we talked about this.  You've gotta lead with the beans.
ELAINE
Oh right!  "Lead with the beans."
Elaine takes a moment, slicks her hair and adjusts her crotch. She then proceeds to "lead with the beans."

 JERRY
(To Elaine)  You know, having dated you, I'm feeling very confused right now.
ELAINE
​(Sidling seductively up to Jerry) Are you man enough to handle my inner-man?
JERRY
Back away Elaine: I may not be responsible for my actions.
ELAINE
That could be taken two ways, Jer.
JERRY
​Apparently so could you.
MARISSA
Okay Elaine, keep practicing.
ELAINE
This is as good as it's gonna get.  We have to leave soon to be at that urinal by four fifteen.  Will you come with us?
MARISSA
Ah, no thanks...I sort of draw the line at urinals. (She starts for the door) Good luck...
KRAMER
Marissa, I'd like you to meet my dear friends Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza.
(Greetings are exchanged)
GEORGE
Nice to meet you Marissa.
MARISSA
I prefer "Myron" when I'm "working."
GEORGE
Oh, yeah, sorry Myron.  I've heard a lot of rave reviews at work.  This guy Charlie Sherman is a big fan!
MARISSA
(To Elaine) Isn't that the guy you're going to...see?  (Elaine nods excitedly as she continues practicing her "male" gestures)  Nice meeting you all.  (To Jerry) Who are you again?
JERRY
Well, I prefer Jerry, when I'm "working."
Marissa looks at him with a puzzled tilt of the head and leaves.  Kramer goes to the kitchen counter with the shopping bag.
KRAMER
Well, so what did you two think of Merry-am?
JERRY
"Merry-am"?  You mean, Meereeam?
KRAMER
No. "Meriam"; like the dictionary.
GEORGE
I thought he was a bird-brain.
KRAMER
Now that's cruel George.  The man is a giant in his field.  He nearly single-handedly brought back the kiwi!
JERRY
The fruit?
GEORGE
I just meant that he has birds on the brain.
NEWMAN
So Elaine, what's going to be your nom de king?
ELAINE
Art Vandelay.
GEORGE
That sounds familiar.  Why do I know that name?
Kramer looks in the shopping bag and does a double take.  His face contorts in shock and confusion.
KRAMER
Jerry...could I see you out in the hall for a moment?
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
Now, Jerry--
ELAINE
Hurry up Kramer.  It's peak peeking time!
CUT TO:
INT. THE HALLWAY -DAY
Jerry pulls the door to his apartment closed as Kramer lifts the woodpecker from the bag.
KRAMER
What is this?!!?
JERRY
It's a woodpecker.
KRAMER
Do you know what kind?
JERRY
Yeah, the one you told me to get: the pixelated one...
KRAMER
The 'pileated'!  This is an ivory-billed specimen!
JERRY
Yeah, so?
KRAMER
Jerry, this is worth thousands of dollars. Perhaps even priceless!  Muhhrium would never part with it!
JERRY
For fifty bucks he would--
KRAMER
We've got to get this back to him!
JERRY
Now?
KRAMER
Yes now!  This man's reputation is on the line!  No ornithologist worth his SALT would knowingly let this slip from his grasp!  And I will not be responsible for sullying that reputation!

​CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APT. -DAY
Jerry and Kramer come back in.  Elaine is doing some final touches on her hair in a mirror.
JERRY
You didn't cut your hair for this, did you?
ELAINE
No.  It's a wig over a cap and it itches like crazy!
JERRY
Key word here is "crazy."
ELAINE
Are you ready Kramer?
KRAMER
Sorry Elaine, something's come up...
ELAINE
But we need you for urinal blocking!
KRAMER
I'm sorry; but this is an emergency.  Take Newman.
NEWMAN
Hey, wait a minute!  You can't just volunteer my urinal blocking services!
KRAMER
You owe me several favors and I reserve the right to call one in!
NEWMAN
Well...so...what can you bring to the table Elaine?
ELAINE
There's a Fanny Farmer gift card in my purse with eleven dollars and thirty-nine cents on it.
NEWMAN
​Fanny Farmer...love those Minty Meltaways...it's a deal.
ELAINE
Well, go put on a suit and hurry up about it.
KRAMER
Outdoor voice Elaine.
ELAINE
(Deep commanding voice) Get off your ass and get dressed.
Newman leaps up and runs out of the apartment.
GEORGE
I gotta be honest.  I'm a little turned on.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROOSEVELT ISLAND TRAM TERMINAL -DAY
Jerry and Kramer are standing in a small crowd, waiting for the tram.  Kramer is holding the shopping bag.
JERRY
Say, Kramer...
KRAMER
Yes?
JERRY
How do you know Marissa?
KRAMER
Well, we met when we were both doing extra work on All My Children.
JERRY
I meant more like...how do you know her...​
KRAMER
Oh.  Well.  Jerry...as you know...I never kiss and tell.

JERRY
Well, I'm not asking for a tell all...I mean, I've never seen Marissa; but Myron is a good looking...fellah...I'm just curious...
KRAMER
Then maybe you should ask Myron...(Jerry raises his eyebrow)...or Marissa...(Jerry is nonplussed)...the tram is arriving.
The tram pulls into the station and the crowd starts pushing on to it.
JERRY
Come on Kramer...
KRAMER
My shoe came untied...(Kramer rests the shopping bag on top of the tram and crouches and ties his shoe).
JERRY
(Leaning out the door) Kramer, get in here!  You're gonna miss the ride! (He grabs Kramer by his overcoat and pulls him on to the tram.  The door closes and Kramer's coat gets caught).
CUT TO:
INT. -SKY TRAM -DAY
Kramer is stuck to the door by his coat.
KRAMER
Jerry...the bird!  I left the bird on top of the tram!
JERRY
Well, I guess we can kiss fifty bucks good-bye.
KRAMER
I can get it!  Those windows are open! (He points up at the open transom style window. He starts squirming out of his coat)
JERRY
You can't be serious...
KRAMER
Oh, I am!  I can get through that window and on to the roof!
JERRY
Kramer, it's dangerous.  You could be killed!
KRAMER
I came in third at Brooklyn Boulders '97 Wall Climb competition.
JERRY
Third?  That doesn't instill a lot of confidence.
KRAMER
Just move below the windows, give me a boost, and I'll take it from there.
Jerry shakes his head, sighs and pushes through the crowded tram.
CUT TO:
INT. PENDANT PUBLISHING MEN'S ROOM -DAY
We see the three urinals and the two stalls and the row of three sinks.  We see the feet of a BUSINESS MAN in the stall. George, Elaine (dressed as a "king" of course) and Newman in his best postal outfit, file in.  They walk slowly to the urinal area and mill around.  George keeps craning his neck downwards and the three speak in really bad stage whispers.  Also, Elaine keeps forgetting her "indoor voice" and reverts to her own.
ELAINE
What are you looking at?
GEORGE
(Pointing)  There's someone in the stall!
BUSINESS MAN
Is somebody out there?
ELAINE
(Uncertain)  Ah, yes, my good man...we three men are...peeing...here at the urinal area...
BUSINESS MAN
Terrific...ah, do you think one of you could get me some TP?  There's none in here.
ELAINE
Sure, Sir.  Happy to oblige! (To Newman) You do it!
NEWMAN
Why me?
GEORGE
You deliver things!  You're the obvious choice!
ELAINE
And why are you in your uniform?  I told you to wear a suit!
NEWMAN
I brought it to the dry cleaners three years ago...
ELAINE
Three years ago?
NEWMAN
I forgot.
GEORGE
Oh, that suit is long gone.
ELAINE
Yeah, you can just say "good-bye" to that suit.
GEORGE
Blow that suit a kiss, buddy-boy.
BUSINESS MAN
(Coughs) Ahem!
Newman tippy-pats to the other stall, gets some tissue paper and reemerges.
NEWMAN
(Tossing the toilet paper into the air) Incoming!
We hear scuffling, grunting, huffing and puffing come from the stall.  And then finally a very loud FLUSH.  The Business Man emerges.  He has a sheepish look on his face.  He also has a long train of toilet paper he is unaware of.  Also some stuck in his hair.
BUSINESS MAN
Thanks.  But you coulda just handed it to me under the stall door. 
He goes to the sink and George continues to crane his neck.
ELAINE
What are you doing?
GEORGE
I want to make sure he washes his hands...
ELAINE
Why?
GEORGE
In case I ever have to shake his hand, that's why.
The Business Man washes his hands and leaves.
GEORGE
Thank God!  What time is it?
NEWMAN
It's ten past four.
ELAINE
What are we going to do for five minutes?  What if someone else comes in?
Sure enough, the door opens and a 2ND BUSINESS MAN comes in and heads for the urinals.  Newman, Elaine and George (in that order) dash to the urinals and mime...what one does at a urinal.  The 2ND BUSINESS MAN shakes his head and goes into one of the stalls.

Elaine begins to squirm, as she's somewhat trapped by the bulk of Newman and George on either side of her.
ELAINE
(Sounding rather like Moe from The Three Stooges) Spread out a little! (She starts elbowing Newman)
NEWMAN
Hey!  Watch it, you're making me sprinkle!
ELAINE
Are you actually peeing?  You're supposed to be pretending! 
NEWMAN
I had to go!
ELAINE
Oh my God!  Don't you dare sprinkle on me! (She inadvertently looks down) Oh, hell no!
GEORGE
What?
ELAINE
I peeked.  Oh God!  I peeked at Newman. (Closes her eyes) George, please tell me you're pretending!
GEORGE
I'm pretending!  Pretending this isn't happening...Ssssshhhh!
The 2nd Business Man comes out of the stall and gives the trio a concerned glance as he goes to the sink.  George follows him.
ELAINE 
Where are you going?
GEORGE
I'm making sure he washes his hands!
ELAINE
Come back here!
George follows the 2nd Business man who doesn't wash his hands.  
GEORGE
Unbelievable!
A 3RD BUSINESS MAN enters and makes a bee-line for the urinal that George vacated.  Elaine starts nudging Newman.
NEWMAN
What?
ELAINE
You've got to move!  
She elbows Newman who yelps and then goes into a stall.  Elaine moves to the first urinal, leaving the middle one empty.  The 3rd Business Man seems oblivious.  George now takes the middle urinal as the bathroom door opens and Charlie Sherman enters.  He takes the urinal that the 3rd Business man now vacates; thus thwarting Elaine's Prime Peak.
CHARLIE
Oh, hey Georgie!
GEORGE
Hey Charlie...
CHARLIE
How's it going?
GEORGE
Just finishing up here.  Really had to go!
CHARLIE
​I hear ya...(noticing Elaine who is now looking up at the ceiling) Pardon me, but aren't you Myron Manoogian, the comic?
ELAINE
Are you talking to me?
CHARLIE
You are Myron Manoogian!  I'd recognize that voice anywhere. I'm a huge fan! (He reaches in front of George's face, extending a hand; which Elaine reluctantly shakes)
ELAINE
I think you've mistaken me for someone else.  I'm Art Vandelay.
CHARLIE
(To George) What a kidder!  Didn't I tell you this guy was fantastic?
GEORGE
I'll let you two get better acquainted.
George dashes to the sink and starts furiously washing his hands.  A 4TH BUSINESS MAN enters and takes the middle urinal; again thwarting Elaine.  Charlie flushes and goes to the sink.  Elaine finally throws in the towel and goes to the sink.
CHARLIE
I love the bit you do about the old lady in the delicatessen with her toy poodle.  Could you do that bit for me?
GEORGE
Yeah, come on Myron...do the bit.
Charlie takes off his suit jacket, then his tie.
CHARLIE
Oh, do you know each other?
GEORGE
Sure, sure...say, how did we meet anyways Myron?
ELAINE
​When we were, ah, both, uhhm...stockboys! In Bloomingdale's brassierre department.  Summer of '77!  Good times!  Yeah, so...the poodle bit...(Doing a sort of Rodney Dangerfield thing)  So, there was this old lady...and she had a toy poodle...
(Charlie takes off his shirt and starts washing his armpits.  Elaine's eyes widen) And so, she's goes into the deli and she wants to...she wants to...
The camera does a series of close ZOOMS, cutting between Elaine's incredulous eyes and Charlie's prodigiously hairy back.
​CUT TO:
INT. ROOSEVELT SKY TRAM -DAY
Jerry crouches down and clasps his hands together to give Kramer a boost.
JERRY
I can't believe I'm doing this.  Oh, wait.  I can believe I'm doing this.
He hoists Kramer who clasps the widow sill and starts wriggling through the tight opening.
CUT TO:
​EXT. SKY TRAM -DAY
We see Kramer come through the window.  He hangs on to the sill with one hand as he tries to find a foothold.  The woodpecker is in the shopping bag, right where Kramer left it.  The camera ZOOMS in on the face of a shocked COMMUTER WOMAN as she points out the window.
CUT TO:
INT. SKY TRAM -DAY
Everyone is pressed against the windows, watching Kramer as he nonchalantly starts clambering up to the roof.  Jerry detaches himself from the commotion, trying to be nonchalant himself.
COMMUTER WOMAN
He's going to jump!  Conducter...STOP THIS TRAM!
CUT TO:
EXT. SKY TRAM -DAY
The tram comes to an abrupt halt, twenty stories over the East River.  Kramer, who now has the shopping bag in his hand, loses his footing with the jolt of the tram and falls over the side.  Fortunately, his pants catch on a metal latch.  The wind starts rocking the tram and Kramer bangs against the window.  His underwear has also been hung on the latch and with each bang Kramer proceeds to get a wedgie.  He removes his belt and loops it through an O ring.  His pants fall off and are taken by the wind.  CLOSE on Kramer's underwear, which is starting to split.
KRAMER
Uhh-oh!
CUT TO:
INT. PENDANT PUBLISHING MEN'S ROOM -DAY
Charlie is finishing up his ablutions.  Elaine has loosened her tie.  She's covered in sweat and her wig is slipping.
CHARLIE
No, that's not how it goes.  The poodle ends up in the potato salad and the old lady says--
ELAINE
I can't take it anymore!
CHARLIE
No, that's not it--
ELAINE
​(Freaking out) SASQUATCH!  SO ITCHY! IT'S SO ITCHY! OOOH DO I ITCH!!! (She starts scratching at her wig) SASQUATCH! (She SCREAMS and rushes out of the bathroom. We hear her voice receding as she runs down the hall) SASSSSSSSSSSQUAAAAATCH!
CHARLIE
What's his problem?
GEORGE
He can only take being in a bathroom for so long.  He has...ahh...tile-a-phobia...
CHARLIE
So, why is he yelling "Sasquatch"? (he goes to the blower and starts drying his underarms).
GEORGE
Oh, yeah...well, you know...(looks around) It's a brand of tile...
NEWMAN
(LOUDLY O/S)  Could somebody get me some TP?  Please?  Anybody?

CUT TO:
INT. SKY TRAM -DAY
We see what the occupants of the tram are seeing: Kramer's rear end in a pair of tighty-whities that are proceeding to tear in half.  Once they do, the visuals are PIXELATED.  Kramer's butt keeps slapping against the glass.
LADY COMMUTER
Dear God!  That poor man's tuchus is geschwollen!
There is more or less pandemonium inside the tram car.  A gust of wind sends it swinging and Kramer, clutching his belt and his overcoat (which is still stuck in the door) bounces into the void and returns, now his front side, pressed against the glass.
LADY COMMUTER
Oy gevalt!  (Through the glass, to Kramer)  Mister, we can see your schvantz!
CUT TO :
EXT. TRAM CAR -DAY
Kramer tries to cover his schvantz with the shopping bag, loses control of it and the woodpecker falls out.  The wind takes the woodpecker, it's wings now spread, and sends it sweeping over the Eastside skyline.
CUT TO:
INT. SKY TRAM -DAY
JERRY
(To Lady Commuter)  Do you think he's in the eighty-ninth percentile?
LADY COMMUTER
(Puts on her readers) More or less...
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT -DAY
TWO WEEKS LATER
Jerry is at the kitchen counter, making a sandwich.  George and Elaine are at the table, where the latter has a Big Salad in front of her.
JERRY
So, at least you got a peek at Newman, right?  Tell me again, is he wrapped or unwrapped?
ELAINE
I don't want to talk about that anymore Jerry!  Please, just let me enjoy my Big Naked Salad in peace.
GEORGE
(Lowers the newspaper he's reading)  What happened to your unsalad?
ELAINE
I got tired of those; besides, a naked salad is better for you.
JERRY
And what, pray tell, is a "naked" salad?
ELAINE
It's a salad with just the greens.
GEORGE
No dressing?  No croutons?  No crackers?
ELAINE
Nope.
GEORGE
So it's raw?
ELAINE
All salads are "raw" George.  Nobody "cooks" a salad--(noticing something in the paper) Let me see that--(she grabs paper)  Oh, now this is interesting--(reads)--"Several bird-watching Manhattanites recently reported that an Ivory Billed woodpecker was seen flying over Lexington Avenue.  Eminent ornithologist Marry-hem...Merry-umm? Mermiam?
GEORGE
(Enunciating) Mahre-eee-uhmm...
JERRY
(Enunciating) Mah-Rye-ohm...
ELAINE
Whatever--"...Nutall when reached for comment, explained that the odds of the bird being an actual Ivory Billed were two point two trillion to one, as the bird is now thought to be extinct--"  Wow, two point two trillion!  
JERRY
Yeah.  Wow.
GEORGE
Wow. Wow doesn't cover it.
The phone rings and Jerry answers it.
JERRY
Hello?  Oh, hi Mom!
CUT TO:
EXT. FLORIDA BEACH -DAY
MR. AND MRS. SEINFELD are walking down the beach.  Several seagulls fly above them, squawking.
MRS. SEINFELD
Your father and I are at the beach.  We're actually calling from the beach!  Your father won one of these newfangled "cell" phone things in a raffle.
JERRY
Oh, that's nice.
MRS. SEINFELD
So is Kramer out of the hospital yet?
JERRY
No...
MRS. SEINFELD
Why not?
JERRY
Well, once the seventy-two hour observation was over, Kramer decided to stay for a while.  He says he's made some interesting new friends.
MRS. SEINFELD
Well, Bellevue or not, they couldn't be any crazier than you, George and Elaine!
JERRY
From your lips, Ma.
MRS. SEINFELD
Well, I just wanted to check in.  Your father and I are going out for dinner.  Jerry, have you ever heard of an unsalad?
(The Seinfelds proceed down a boardwalk.  Mr. Seinfeld notices something and tries to get Mrs. Seinfeld's attention).  What Morty?  Stop bothering me!  Can't you see I'm on the phone?
MR. SEINFELD
What kind of seagull was that?
JERRY
What's he saying?
MRS. SEINFELD
Who knows?  Something about a bird...
They continue walking and the camera pans a row of seagulls sitting on the railing.  The camera comes to an abrupt stop, PANS back and ZOOMS in on the Ivory Billed woodpecker specimen.
OUT
TAG
INT. BELLEVUE HOSPITAL COMMON ROOM -DAY
Kramer, in a bathrobe and pajamas, lights his cigar.  He's sitting with a group of similarly attired PATIENTS.  He raises a remote.
KRAMER
I wonder what's going on in Pine Valley today.  I hope Erica bounces back from that head trauma!
He puffs his cigar, clicks on the TV.  Freeze frame.
ROLL CREDITS
END

CFR 2/16/23

I filmed part 1 of my dance routine!

Hmmm...what's going on in this thumbnail?

Then I quickly rushed out a sequel!  Or is it a remake?  Or is it a reboot?

Hope you enjoyed that; but if you didn't: Don't Say It!

​CFR  1/17/23

Caught snippets of the Golden Globes last night.  Okay, so correct me if I'm wrong; but weren't the Golden Globes "awarda non gratis" like fifteen minutes ago?  And suddenly, last night, everything was okay so bring on the booze and have a ball?  And Hollywood wonders (and goes into high dudgeon) when the conservatives and the right and the blah blah blah call them hypocrites.  Whatever.

And maybe it's time for a redesign of the trophy itself?  Puts me in mind of Ben-Wa balls or a  mega-vibrator:

And Quinta Brunson, you might want a refund from Cristian Siriano​.  Has he never heard of stays?

But congrats on your wins!
Speaking of refunds...
I got to thinking about how much money my husband and I spend on watching filmed entertainments in theaters.  Yes, we go out to the theater and pay full price to see a movie.  We did it every weekend, without fail, during the pandemic.  Often, we had the entire theater to ourselves.  According to some on the fly math, we probably spend upwards of $1500.00 a year on movies.  That's kind of a lot!  We're purchasing a product from Hollywood.  But Hollywood and the studios have no compunction about issuing any sort of receipt or promise of quality or...how about this: A REFUND.
I mean, a theater will give you your money back if you walk out.  Before a certain point, that is.  Most give you fifteen minutes.  But there never seems to be a set policy or a notice pertaining to being dissatisfied with the product.  I think we need to change that.  So, here are a few productions that come to mind.  Cases where, yes, I sat through the whole movie.  But now I'm suffering retroactive regret and would kindly like my money back.  Cough it up Tinseltown...

CATS
Okay, let's set some monetary parameters for our proposed "Or Your Money Back!" campaign.  Movie prices where I live, for the past five, ten years, seem to have hovered around the nine dollar mark.  So, let's just round up to ten for inflation. And this would be in U.S. dollars as opposed to say, the pound, in the case of CATS.  That being said:
Judi Dench you owe me $10.00. (Sorry, DAME Judi Dench)
Taylor Switft: $10.00
Sir Ian McKellan: $10.00
James Corden: $30.00 (because you played someone(thing?) named "Bustopher Jones"; you danced; and you made me watch)
​Rebel Wilson: $35.00 (because I still have nightmares over "Jennyanydots" Big Number)
Idris Elba: $0.00 (because, Idris Elba)
REST OF CA(S)TS: $10.00 each
Universal Studios: $25,000.00 (Mental health and wellness sought after viewing CATS)
So, I won't charge the extensive chorus members of the cast, nor those who played cockroaches.  So that leaves approximately 17 lesser players under the stars or below the line, if you will.  So, let's see, by my math our grand total is:
$25,265.00

The Tree of Life

Okay...maybe in this case I'm not owed a refund; but I'm gonna ask for it anyways.  When the only screening in town of The Tree of Life has a handwritten note in the box-office window that reads: "No refunds will be given for Tree of Life after the first 30 minutes"; you kind of know, going in, there might be some problems.
Some of those problems?
No plot
No dialogue
No story
A thirty minute nature documentary in the middle of the movie out of nowhere
CGI dinosaurs
Now, don't get me wrong.  I like CGI dinosaurs as much as the next guy.  But I don't necessarily want them in the middle of a somber Brad Pitt/Jessica Chastain domestic drama.  Seriously...so you're like watching this movie, waiting for some kind of story to kick in for a good hour.  Okay, what's going on?  Sean Penn's dad is dying so Sean has flashbacks to his childhood in Texas(?)...seems like it...from what little we can glean from the dialogue we can barely hear.  The dialogue that is mumbled into the wind as characters(?) turn their backs to the camera to stare off at the horizon during the Magic Hour?  And Mom chases butterflies in the back yard.  And young Sean Penn steals a woman's nightgown(?)...then all of this ambiguity comes to a screeching halt and the screen takes us on a voyage to Amoebaland for what has to be a good thirty minutes; but seems like an hour

Not even Stanley Kubrick would've pulled this bull.
And then there's like another two hours of non-story and then our actors wandering around on a beach.

Gorgeous imagery?  You bet!  But gorgeous imagery simply becomes numbing if it's not attached to a story. A STORY.  Usually what a moviegoer expects when they go in.  And the marketing of this movie was a bait and switch. It tweaked out what little scenes that had intelligible dialogue and edited them together to give the impression that the movie wasn't just impression.  I'm sorry; but this was nothing more than Terrence Malick having a photogasm.
Here's the bill:
Brad Pitt: You owe me $10.00
Jessica Chastain: $5.00 
Jessica Chastain's agent: $10.00
Terrence Malick: $37.50 (that's ten dollars for each hour and $7.50 for the 17 minutes of plankton)
Fox Releasing: $20.00 (that's $10 dollars for the movie and $10 dollars for the bait and switch)
Sean Penn: (You can never pay me back what you owe me for this)
Total:
$82.50

Naomi Watts

Not any particular film.  ALL of her films, pretty much.  And I love her.  Let me explain...
Naomi is a fantastic actress.  Weknowdis.  And she seems to prefer drama.  As in PSYCHODRAMA.  There's not a film that she's in or a role that she does where she isn't rolling around in a tattered nightgown, tearing at her hair, tears streaming down her face.  I mean, yeah, it was great in The Ring.  Classic modern horror movie: it put you on the map.  It required a lot of screaming, terrified crying, bedraggled worrying and walking the razor's edge of hysteria.  But then, when you did it all over again in The Ring 2, I thought...did we really need The Ring 2?  Oh, wait a minute...Mulholland Drive sort of put you on the map.  You were so happy and cheerful and fun in that!  For the first five minutes...then we got...well, who knows what we got?  But it certainly involved a lot of crying and nervous breaking down and oh yeah, you blew your brains out.  Fun!  But to be fair...you have done some comedies, right?  I mean, if we consider Le Divorce, I <3 Huckabees and Movie 43 comedies.  
Naomi, you're a wonderful actress and performer but I'm afraid to go see your movies now.  I mean, when you actually produced a remake of something as bleak and hateful as Funny Games, I had to wonder what you were thinking.  I mean, I didn't see it.  I saw the trailer and read some reviews.  That was enough.  I try to avoid movies where children are murdered.  Why Naomi?  Why would you want any part of something so heinous?  Please...I beg of you: lighten up.  Please immediately do a remake of Pillow Talk with Channing Tatum and Jack Black.  Anything...anything that doesn't feature imperiled or dead children.  Can you sing or dance?  Even if you can't...please sing and dance in a musical.  And not Les Mis.  How about Annie?  Wait, what's that Naomi?  NO.  No, you can't play Miss Hannigan.  You will play Daddy Warbuck's secretary and like it.
Hey you...yeah, you Jennifer Connelly:

Why so serious Jenn?
You make Naomi seem light-hearted.  Even when you're in a comedy, you play the foil.  You're the buzz-kill or the dream killer.  Speaking of dreams.  Requiem for a Dream?  That had some real uplift!  House of Sand and Fog?  Gee, that was fun.  Jennifer, you're a Sagittarius.  We like to have fun.  Have some fun.  You're pretty and likeable...why don't you be pretty and likeable in your movies?  Why do you feel the need to have your mascara run at all times while you explore the thousand ways there are to be miserable?  You lightened up a little in Top Gun: Maverick.  That's great!  Keep going with that!  Please immediately drop any pending projects and develop an "out of your comfort zone" one for yourself.  Can you sing and dance?  Even if you can't, please do something fun.  Might I suggest The Journey of Hedy Lamarr.  She was an actress and an inventor and pretty; she was also a kleptomaniac.  You could have some fun with that!  Let me write the script for you!  I don't know if she could sing or dance, but in my script, she will. Her big Act 1 closer is: "Get Ready For Hedy!"
Please contact me at [email protected]. and we'll talk.

Why so sad Michelle?
You're a great actress and you're pretty.  You can also be gay and charming!  So why does Wikipedia sum you up as thus?:
​Michelle Ingrid Williams (born September 9, 1980) is an American actress. Known for primarily starring in small-scale independent films with dark or tragic themes.
Is it because:
She has Norwegian ancestry and her family has lived in Montana for generations.
I don't know.  I've never been to Norway or Montana; but I bet both can be pretty depressing, particularly in winter.  I mean, I can understand being drawn to "serious" roles...but why, like ALL of them? (BTW: speaking of "serious" roles...why didn't you play Jean Seberg instead of Kristen Stewart, who looks and sounds nothing like her?  Of all the suicidal roles I would want to have seen you do, it was Saint Jean). 
You ladies need to find balance.  Even if you're drawn to nothing but deep, dark, good-bye cruel world roles.  Michelle, I will give you props for playing Steven Spielberg's mom with such elan (even though you managed to work in a good two and a half sobbing scenes*).
Naomi, Jennifer, Michelle:  For every Hedda Gabler you play, might I suggest two Lorelei Lee(s)?​

Hey Michelle!  You could do Marilyn again like you did in My Week With Marilyn, without all the crying; and Jennifer, you could take on the Jane Russell role in a BIG remake of Gentlemen Prefer Blondes set on a cruise ship, like Carnival or whatever (you know, a product tie-in to help bring back some of the glamour to the cruise industry, which has been plagued by problems lately...like Covid and dysentery).  I'm seeing Oscar buzz, ladies!
Or how about this:
Let's take one of those Russo/Scandinavian dramas, you know the ones, the ones that are about three sisters who live in the country and the family fortunes are on the ropes and they long to move to the city but can't seem to find the will to do it and instead remain where they are, trapped in loveless marriages and/or suck down a bottle of iodine or put a pistol to their head and curtain(s)?

Except in this version; at the summer house; the middle sister decides to stage a play she wrote and presses her sisters into service and it turns out the three of them are knockout Entertainers so they leave their husbands, take a train to Copenhagen, stage their show at Tivoli and TAKE THE WORLD BY STORM.  They change their name to Gabor...and the rest is history!

This would be a BOFFO vehicle for the three of you.  Michelle, I see you as Eva.  Naomi: Zsa-Zsa.  And as Magda, Jennifer, natch.  Not only am I seeing Oscar gold; I'm hearing Grammy Gold (for best movie soundtrack!).  It's a win, win!  You get to do the heavy dramatic lifting and the light comedic...falling!  So cheer up gals!  And let's make ourselves pretty and go for the gold!

*Actually, according to Joseph, Michelle cries a good half dozen times in The Fabelmans: when her son presents her with 8mm evidence of her adulterous behavior; when her mother dies; when she's telling the kids she's divorcing their father; etc.
​
Naomiferelle; I'm going to waive your fees if you will follow my advice; however, Naomi, I'm still charging you ten dollars for Funny Games, even though I've never seen it.
Grand total:
$10.00
​
​CFR  1/14/23

So, since our screenplay is no longer about fighters in a cage; but elsewhere; and it's still about heart problems (falling in love, tachycardia, bradycardia etc.) our working title for it now, is: Heartfight    
I was going to go with something like "Hearts On Fire" or "Heart of Fire" or some such; but since the story is now going to involve flying, I wanted the title to include that, so Heartflight; but I just focus grouped Joseph and he said "Heartfight" was better "by far." So, Heartfight it is!
So here's our "fight movie" twist.  They fight in zero gravity!  Like, there's like an Elon Musk type character and he's built a space station that has a "fight chamber" and rich clients take his spaceship to go and bet on the games.  And the fighters duke it out in weightlessness!  I don't think I've seen that in a movie yet...oh, wait...did they do that in Moonraker?  However, this idea seemed, in retrospect, a bit too outre.  Then I thought about this:

So this is where they will fight.  Not only is this within the realm of plausibility; it's within the realm of reality!  So our heroes are going to fight in an indoor skydiving chamber.  Or we could up the stakes and have them fight while skydiving...but that would be really hard to seat an audience.  Plus I love the idea of the chamber.  And remember, you saw this idea HERE, FIRST. SO THERE.
So this means I'm going to have to go back and rewrite some of the first act; but that's simple enough.  So, enter one of our potentially villainous characters: Roddy Shannon.  Idris Elba comes to mind; so let's cast him!

CUT TO:
INT.  WAREHOUSE   -DAY
TILT DOWN from a huge banner that reads: LANI-BATALI U.K.  The camera moves on Paddy, Sean and Cal who are standing on the floor of a hangar on the outskirts of London.  They are looking up at a massive cylinder, which is transparent.  Inside are four MEN: Two are FIGHTERS and two are TRAINERS.  The trainers are tethered to safety wires as they guide the two fighters through the air.  The chamber is a gigantic skydiving ring: the people inside shoosted into the air by a steady wind-gust of some 150 mph.  They are literally flying: a skill they must master before they move on to the next stage: fighting.

I think Cal should be played by that super hot actor on Hawaii-5-0...what's his name?  Let me look it up...
Oh, so this is weird.  So I looked up the Hawaii 5-0 actor and his name is Daniel Dae Kim.  Unfortunately, he's simply the wrong age to have been a contemporary of Paddy's.  So then I looked up "handsome Asian male actors" and this fellow popped up.  Perfect!

​SEAN
Cat got your tongue brother?
PADDY
She just ran out into traffic with it.
CAL
Unbelievable!  
MAN (O/S)
It's portable too...
The trio turn as the MAN who belongs to the voice strides up to them.  He is RODDY SHANNON, 40's/50's.  The man drips with confidence and cockiness.  He's smooth and he knows it.  But he has taste: one can tell by the four-ply cashmere LV sweater and the solid gold Smartwatch on his wrist.  And clearly, he's richer than Croesus.
SEAN
Roddy!  Thanks for taking my call! (Sean goes in for a bro-hug and Roddy one-ups him with a double-cheeked-Euro kiss.  Paddy and Cal exchange a quizzical glance).  Roddy, I'd like you to meet my brother Paddy and our friend Cal.
Greetings are exchanged
RODDY
Cal and I go way back; but I can't believe Paddy--in this fishbowl we both swim in; that we've only just met!
PADDY
Some people think I'm anti-social; but really, I'm just shy...
Roddy LAUGHS, a somewhat forced chuckle.  He doesn't know quite what to say..
RODDY
Well, let me give you the tour boys...(Shouting up to the chamber) FRANKIE! (No response, then LOUDER): FRANKIE!
PADDY
He can hear you in there Roddy?
RODDY
Roight.  What was I thinking? (He raises his watch and presses a button) Frankie, could you come down to the floor please?
One of the TRAINERS waves and flies to the top of the cylinder. He comes out of a hatch at the top of the chamber and rappels down its side on his safety wire. He unhooks himself and parkours the rest of the way down. He joins the group, removes a protective helmet and grins.  He is FRANKIE "ICK" SHANNON, late teens/early 20s.  He is a happy-go-lucky charmer with a near constant grin.
RODDY
Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet my son--
PADDY
Don't tell me...Frankie?
FRANKIE
Mr. O'Riada, I'm a huge fan! (He pumps Paddy's arm, which is still wrapped and claps his other hand over Paddy's forearm)  
PADDY
(Wincing) Nice to meet you son; I'm a little tender there...new tattoo...
FRANKIE
Oh, I'm sorry!  
PADDY
Quite all right.  I'll live!  This is my brother Sean and our mate Cal...(greetings are exchanged) Sean is my manager and Cal is my trainer--
FRANKIE
But Dad said I'd be training you--
PADDY
Did he now?  We haven't even determined if I'm going to do this..Lani Batali...thing.  Besides, what could a young squirt like you train me to do?  No offense, Frankie.
FRANKIE
You can call me "Ick"; everybody does--
PADDY
Sure...Ick...
RODDY
He's gonna train you how to fly, Paddy!  
PADDY
Well, that remains to be seen. And why do they call you Ick?  Do you get airsick easily?  You're not gonna thorw up on me are you? (Ick LAUGHS).
RODDY
It's short for "Icarus"!
Roddy tousles "Ick"s hair. Paddy says nothing
SEAN
You know, Paddy, the Greek kid who could fly.
PADDY
I know who Icarus is Sean.
CAL
​So, how about that tour?  I'm dying to see this thing!​
RODDY
All right then, let's do it!
Roddy, Cal and Frankie (who we'll be referring to as "Ick" from here forward) move towards the chamber.  Sean looks at Paddy's side-eye, shrugs and moves on.  Paddy glances up again at the flying fighters, who are now tumbling through the air with BO's, which are Japanese fighting sticks.
​
I want a newcomer to play the son, Frankie.  So how about this fellow:

Now, since Mr. Shelby has made himself a public figure, I have no qualms about posting this.  He's now in college.  He should be easy to find.  Hey, HOLLYWOODLAND, make this kid a STAR...NOW!

CUT TO:
INT.  FAN ROOM  -DAY

So, the more research I do...the more skydiving chambers and wind tunnels become a thing.  Obviously, there is an exact science to propelling a human body into the air and keeping it there.  So, if this script goes into production, we would need various and sundry "consultants." Not just consulting about air speed/terminal velocity science etc. but the training of skydivers in chambers and all of that.  Now, since I don't really have the time to become an expert on these subjects I'm just gonna go with "poetic license."  If I were to direct a picture like this, I would want--nay--demand scientific accuracy.  But I mean look what these people can do!

​Roddy is showing off his high-tech toy, in particular the massive wind generating fan.
RODDY
So, the air needs to flow at terminal velocity, which is about one hundred and twenty miles per hour; but this baby can do three times that...
PADDY
Why would it need to?
RODDY
Well, it wouldn't Paddy; but I wanted it to.
​PADDY
You don't drive a Hummer by any chance? (Sean kicks Paddy's foot).
RODDY
(Chuckles)  No Paddy.  I drive a Rolls Silver Shadow...or rather; I have it driven for me.
PADDY
Must be nice.
RODDY
It is...so...right...okay Frankie, you wanna show these lads what you can do?
ICK
Roger that!
RODDY
Well, let's do it!
SMASH CUT TO:
Ick in the wind chamber by himself.  Roddy and Paddy and Sean and Cal watch from a control room as Ick rises and falls in the air, like some kind of angelic bird of prey.  It is at once poetic, athletic and aesthetic. And perhaps, even erotic. 

​RODDY
(Speaking into his watch) That was beautiful son...okay, we're gonna lower you now...(Ick gives a thumbs up as Roddy turns to the CONTROLLER at a console) Okay, Chris, bring him down...
​Chris decreases the wind-speed and lowers Ick to the chamber floor.  He bounds into the control room, right up to Paddy, who he seems to, maybe, have a "mancrush" on.
ICK
So, what do you think Mr. O'Riada?  You wanna give it a go?
PADDY
Call me Paddy, son.  And by the way, that was brilliant!
ICK
Thank you...
RODDY
So, are you in Paddy?
PADDY
This is a lot to think about Roddy...
RODDY
​You're right, it is.  Why don't you sleep on it for a while?
PADDY
Yeah. Yeah, I'll do just that.  Well, it was nice to meet you Ick.
Paddy extends his hand, which Ick clasps and proceeds to pump again.
ICK
Paddy, you have to say yes.  I have a feeling you'll take to this like a bird.  And I wanna get you into the air!
The handshake lasts too long, making it a bit awkward.
RODDY
Ick, let the man go...
ICK
(Laughs)  Oh, right!
PADDY
By the way; what does "Lani-Batali" mean?
RODDY
It's from an ancient Celtic language...lost to the mists of time...he or she may have been a warrior god.
Paddy nods slowly.
CUT TO:
INT.  CAR  -DAY
Paddy is driving.  Sean is in the passenger seat and Cal is in the back.  The English countryside flies past the windows.
PADDY
...Never met me before!  Can you believe that?  He personally handed me the check when I took out Billy O'Grady in '15.  And just what the hell does "Lani Batali" mean, anyways?
CAL
I'll look it up. (He pulls out his phone)
SEAN
I think you'd be a fool to turn him down Paddy.  Shannon's a genius and this thing is gonna be huge.
CAL
"Lani" is Hawaiian for "sky"; and "Batali" means "fighter" in Esperanto.
PADDY
Ancient language!
SEAN
What did you make of his son?  Seemed a little light in his loafers to me.  Literally.
PADDY
Shut up Sean!  He was a nice kid.
SEAN
Jeez Paddy, relax.  I didn't mean anything by it--it was just an observation.
PADDY
Well when I want your observations, I'll turn up the lights over there.
SEAN
Veg-out bro...
CAL
By the way Paddy; when did I become your trainer?
PADDY
(Looks at his watch) About forty-seven minutes ago.
CAL
Cool.  What about benefits?
SEAN
National health and dental.  And you get to see Paddy naked.
CAL
Seen it. Not impressed.
PADDY
Right.  Who's your daddy Cal?
CAL
Mr. Nakamura
PADDY
Who?
CAL
...you Paddy...
SEAN
Daddy Paddy!
As their LAUGHTER fades, a contemplative silence descends.  Sean snaps on the radio.  "Spirit In the Sky" comes on.
SEAN
It's a sign!
Paddy raises an eyebrow as Cal claps him on the shoulder.  Sean starts singing along.  Then Cal joins in.  And reluctantly...finally...Paddy as the car speeds down the road.

​CUT TO:
INT. THE GOLDEN BANANA, PEABODY MA  -EVENING
The Golden Banana is an upscale "adult" nightclub that features "exotic" dancing and cocktails.  A tight CLOSE-UP on a pair of eyes as we hear Huey Lewis' "The Heart of Rock and Roll."  The camera pulls back and tilts down showing us more and more of the body the eyes belong to: a gorgeous and fulsome dancer, STACEY JONES, 20's.  She is undulating all over the place to the peppy tempo of the song; wearing little more than the Lucite stilettos on her feet.  Donna approaches a table where sit three YOUNG MEN.  They are kinda douchey.  SNICKERING, GIGGLING and being loud.  
DONNA
What can I get you fellahs?
1ST YOUNG MAN
Sex on the beach, babe!
DONNA
And for you, sir?
2ND YOUNG MAN
​A Long, Slow Comfortable Screw Up Against the Wall!
DONNA
Wow, is this 1985?  And you honey?
3RD YOUNG MAN
Cum In a Hot Tub!
DONNA
"Cumming" right up! 
She rolls her eyes as she strides to the bar.  One of the bouncers, RONNIE, is sitting on a stool, nursing a glass of seltzer.
RONNIE
Those guys giving you a hard time?
DONNA
Nothing I can't handle.  Thanks Ronnie.
RONNIE
You bet.  Oh, something came for you.  I left it in your dressing room.

This club actually exists in Peabody, Massachusetts.  Their website says they have "totally nude" dancers.  I guess that's open to interpretation.  For our purposes, Donna will be a cocktail waitress, who wears at least a thong and a bikini top; it is implied that she also dances.  I would like to keep this PG-13; but with our leading men's love scene coming up; it's more than likely an R.  Or maybe we should go for broke: skip right over NC-17 and bring back the original "X" rating.  But let's stay classy San Diego!

CUT TO:
INT.  DRESSING ROOM  -NIGHT
Donna enters the room and moves towards her vanity.  A huge bouquet of red roses, with a card, is on her table.  She opens the card and reads it as Stacey enters the room and puts on a robe.
STACEY
Those are beautiful.
DONNA
I know, right?
STACEY
Who are they from?
DONNA
Hank...
STACEY
When did he all of a sudden turn romantic?
DONNA
He's always been romantic...in his own way.
STACEY
If you say so. (She sits and slides her shoes off and starts pawing through various and sundry supplements and vitamin bottles) Where's my feverfew, my feet hurt...
DONNA
Does your face hurt too?
STACEY
No, why?
DONNA
Because it's killing me!
STACEY
Oh you're a riot darlin'.  Peabody's first stand-up stripper!
DONNA
Now there's a million dollar idea!

STACEY
Seriously though Donna; what's the occasion?  I mean, it's not your birthday and it's not Valentine's day...
DONNA
Does there need to be an "occasion" to send flowers?
STACEY
With men?  Generally yes.  A holiday or a funeral. Or...an apology?
DONNA
(Sighs) Fine.  We had a fight...(LAUGHS)
STACEY
Why is that funny?
DONNA
We had a fight about fighting.  He wants to go back to it.
STACEY
And what do you want?
DONNA
Well, naturally I don't want him fighting.  But I knew going in it was his first love.
STACEY
Ultimatumize his ass.
DONNA
What?
STACEY
Make him put a ring on it, Bey.
DONNA
I already have the ring.
STACEY
Why don't you wear it?
DONNA
I don't want to lose it.
STACEY
Well, it seems to me you don't really know what you want from him...
DONNA
No Stacey, it's the other way around.  I don't think he really knows what he wants.
STACEY
From you?
DONNA
From life.  I've gotta get back on the floor.
Donna takes a rose from the bouquet and hands it to Stacey.  She then takes a second, cuts the stem away and places the rose in her cleavage and heads back to 1985. Stacey puts the rose to her nose.
STACEY
​Does anyone?
CUT TO:
INT.  GRAN'S KITCHEN  -NIGHT
The bouquet of roses is now on Gran's table, where she is pulverizing some aspirin in a mortar. Henry enters the room in his work clothes.
HENRY
Hey Gran...whatcha doing?
GRAN
Grinding up some aspirin for these flowers.  Are you hungry? 
HENRY
Famished, actually.
GRAN
Good.  I'll heat you up some beef stew.
HENRY
You made beef stew?  I love your beef stew!
GRAN
I know son.  That's why I made it. Go ask Danny if he wants some.

Henry stands and goes to the basement door and BANGS on it.
HENRY
Danny!
DANNY (O/S)
What!
CUT TO:
Gran's basement.  It's really Danny's living space.  Kind of cramped; but rather neat and cozy. In one corner is a shelving unit, displaying trophies and photos from Henry's fighting career. Danny is sitting at his desk, looking  at his laptop.  On the screen we can see that he's looking at a video of Roddy, promoting "Lani-Batali" the video cuts to footage of Ick training some fighters in the flying chamber.  Henry comes half-way down the stairs.
HENRY
Do you want some stew?
DANNY
Sure; but Henry come look at this...
HENRY
I'm starving Danny. Bring it up here.
DANNY
Fine--
CUT TO:
INT.  -GRAN'S KITCHEN  -NIGHT
Henry returns to the table and Gran places a huge bowl of Irish stew in front of him; and a big glass of milk.
Donna comes in through the back door and stands behind Henry.
DONNA
(Looking down at him)
Thank you for the flowers.  They're really beautiful.
HENRY
You're welcome.  
He tilts his head up and she kisses him, more intensely than anyone, including herself, might've expected.
GRAN
Would you like some stew Donna; or should I get you two a room?
DONNA
(Breaking from the kiss)
Sure Mary; I mean as long as we're all just ignoring our cholesterol.
GRAN
Don't be petty love; it doesn't suit you.
Danny comes crashing into the room with his laptop.
DANNY
Hank, you have to see these fighters--(He stops short when he sees Donna). Oh, well, I mean...we can look at this later...
DONNA
Danny it's fine.  I want to see it too.  If Henry's gonna fight, I'm gonna look both of you square in the eye.
Danny puts the laptop on the table and sits, turns it so everyone can see and hits play.  He turns down the volume.
DANNY
Now that fellah right there; he's Roddy Shannon. He's put together a new style of fighting called "Lani-Batali"
HENRY
What does that mean?
DANNY
Who knows?  Sounds made-up.  Anyways, here's the gimmick.  They fight in the air!
GRAN
On wires?
DANNY
No Gran!  In the actual air!  They put the fighters in a gigantic vertical wind-tunnel and shoost them up where they fight.
DONNA
A wind tunnel?
DANNY
Yeah, they use these things for indoor sky-diving and now it's sort of become an art-form.  Shannon's taking it in a new direction.  Look! For fooks sake look!
GRAN
(Swats Danny with a dish-towel) Watch that mouth young man...
DANNY
Sorry Gran; but look!
They all watch, mesmerized, at a video of Ick as he rolls and tumbles, dives and spins in the wind chamber.
HENRY
Looks like we're gonna need a specialist, if I'm gonna learn this...
DONNA
So, now you're gonna be jumping out of planes?
HENRY
Whatever it takes, honey...
DONNA
(Softly) Wow.
DANNY
I talked to my trainer friend Sheamus and get this: he's a skydiving enthusiast!  Of course he is!
HENRY
What's an "entooziast"?
DANNY
(Enunciating) En-thoo-see-ast...
DONNA
And where does he do this enthusiasing?
DANNY
The Isle of Skye.
DONNA
And where is that?
DANNY
Scotland...
Donna nods, stands, goes to the vase on the counter and takes the dripping roses out of it.  She goes to Danny and thrusts them into his hands.
DONNA
Congratulations Danny.  You win!
She walks out of the room and we hear the back door SLAM.
DANNY
(Yelping in pain)  Owww!  Owwww!
HENRY
What?
DANNY
Thorns!  Thorns!
MARY
Don't you dare get any blood on my good table-cloth. 
Henry stands to go after Donna.  Gran puts her hand on his wrist.
GRAN
Give her a minute son.
Henry reluctantly sits back down as Danny, still yelping in pain, tries to put the roses back in their vase.  The more he tries, the worse it gets.
DANNY
Owww!  Oh fook!  Fook, fook, fook!
Gran leaps up and starts snapping the dish-towel at Danny, inflicting even more pain.
GRAN
I will not have that language in my house!
DANNY
OWWWW!  Gran, that hurts!
GRAN
It's hurting me more than it's hurting you!
Henry continues eating as we FADE OUT.

FADE IN ON:
INT.  TRAILER  -NIGHT
Later, the same evening.  Donna is sitting at the table, sipping a beer.  She SIGHS, stands, and goes to a drawer and removes a jewelry box.  She goes back to the table, sits, opens the jewelry box and removes a heart​-shaped, red velvet, ring box, which she opens.  TIGHT CLOSE-UP of a not insubstantial diamond engagement ring.  Actually it's quite beautiful.

Donna takes the ring out of the box and slips it on her finger, regards it sparkling in the light.  Henry enters the trailer.
HENRY
I was wondering when you were going to wear that.
DONNA
What?  I wear it!
HENRY
If you say so.
DONNA
I don't wear it to work because--
HENRY
Because you don't want anyone to know you're engaged.
DONNA
Well, yes...you get more tips if they think you're single.  But I just don't feel safe wearing it to the club.
HENRY
Then quit.
DONNA
I can't quit.  You know that.  We need the money.  And most of your money went to this ring.
HERNY
No, most of my money went to Grampee's doctors.  That's why I'm going to fight again.  I'm gonna win that purse and buy us a house. (He sits next to her and puts his arms around her).  And you're going to have the wedding of your dreams! (Donna starts to quietly cry).  What? What is it?
DONNA
Our wedding Henry.  Our wedding.
HENRY
Well, that's what I meant.
Donna wipes her tears away and Henry kisses her.  She throws her arms around him and returns his kiss, because what else can she do?
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. -TRAILER -DAY
The next morning.  Donna is lying in the bed, gazing out the window at a hummingbird feeder. Henry is asleep next to her. Numerous ruby-throated hummingbirds are feeding; but more so, fighting one another off.
HENRY
(Rousing himself) Whatcha looking at?
DONNA
The hummingbirds.
HENRY
Pretty...
DONNA
They're actually really mean.  All they do is fight.  It makes me not like them.
HENRY
I'm a fighter.  Do you not like me?
DONNA
I'm not sure Hank.  So when are you going to Sky Island?
HENRY
The Isle of Skye--
DONNA
Don't even, Henry.
HENRY
​A week from Thurs​day.
DONNA
I've gotta go to the bathroom.
She removes her engagement ring and places it on the nightstand.
HENRY
You can wear it in the house Donna.  Gran's not gonna steal it.
DONNA
Danny might.
HENRY
You really don't like him, do you?
DONNA
No, I don't.  I love him; but I don't like him.
She's out the door.  Henry picks up the ring and looks at the stone.  The camera does a slow ZOOM on the diamond until it's nothing but abstract shards of light.
DIZZOLVE TO:
More abstract light.  Prismatic and swirling.  The camera now ZOOMS out and we see that the light is coming from the sunlight sparkling on the surf of the ocean.  A wave rolls on to a beach where Henry is standing, looking out at the water.  Behind him is an inn/restaurant.  Danny comes out and waves from the outdoor seating area.
DANNY
Hank!  Hank!
Henry turns and shades his eyes.  Danny motions for him to come up from the beach.

Now that's an image!
The Sacred Heart of Jesus. Whoever designed that wasn't fooling around!  And isn't it strange to think someone, long ago, sat down at a drawing board and came up with this imagery; I mean, because it's not in the Bible: correct me if I'm wrong.  I'm a bit confused about the flames though.  I mean, flames typically symbolize...you know where.  And Jesus never dealt with flames on his final journey with the cross...
But I digress!
We're here to start Act 2 of "Uncaged Hearts" my epic, queer, mixed martial arts movie starring Adam Driver and Domhnall Gleeson!  I just watched an interview he did with Stephen Colbert and talk about a charmer!  It was the first time I'd seen him as "himself."  I wonder if he's open to thrupples?
So, do you think of writers as sexy? (I'm digressing again).  I typed in "sexy writers" on my search engine and some amusingly silly images came up:  

Above artwork by Jon Stich

I mean, I'm sure there are some sexy writers.  But I'm also sure that a lot more writers are not so sexy.  I mean, Charles Dickens for example:

But didn't he have like all kinds of affairs and stuff?  And a lot of kids?  So, someone found him sexy.
How about Virginia Woolf?  Sexy? Or not so sexy?

Whether or not writers are sexy in and of themselves, I think we can all agree that most writers like to write sexy.  Take that however you want.  But this is not to be a discussion of erotic literature.  Let me undigress...

So, here we go with Act 2.  Now, I know next to nothing about my subject: that is, professional fighting.  How it's structured, who fights who, how the fights play out.  I mean, I'm sure these guys have managers/trainers who guide them to the right promoters.  Right?  Sounds good to me.  And then they fight.  Do they score points?  Is it like wrestling when you have to keep your opponent pinned to the mat for a certain count?  I'll have to do a modicum of research; but since I'm kind of making up a new sport, I can kind of make up the rules, right?  And let's face it: this is a MOVIE.  I feel telling an entertaining story, in this case, is more important than accuracy.

So, I've been doing some thinking on this.  I don't want to get caught up in the logistics and reality of a sport/sports that already exist.  So at the risk of getting ridiculous, I'm going to go for broke.  The fighters will not be in a cage.  They will be in a bubble (more on that later).  So, since they won't be cage fighters, I'm going to have to lose the reference to cages in the title.  So, we're gonna change that.  As I think on this and ponder on that; let's all be charmed by Mr. Gleeson and I'll see you in the next blog entry!

CFR / 1/8/23

Remember New Year's Eve of 2021 and everyone was looking forward to 2022, as though the calendar change was all it would take to solve all the problems; and then 2022 was maybe even worse than 2021 in a lot of ways?  I guess this is my roundabout way of saying: "Hey, let's not put all our New Years in one basket...let's take it one year at a time...better yet...let's take it one day at a time...and if you have OCD, how about...one half-hour to fifteen minutes at a time...?"  Yeah, let's go with that.
So, what's new with you?  Oh, that's nice!  What's new with me?  Well, I saw Avatar: The Weight of Water, yesterday.

Ooops!  I mean, Avatar: The Wait for Water. Ooops, I mean--oh, you know what I mean...
I don't get it.  I simply don't get it.  I saw the first Avatar at the movies a million years ago along with millions of others making it millions--wait, make that billions--of dollars.  Why? Well, my husband and I go to see a lot of movies and when it came out, for some reason, he really wanted to see it.  So we saw it.  Did I like it?  Well, you need to define "like..." 
Wait.  Before I start criticizing Avatar and its sequel--
Oh!  I almost forgot...I tried CBD for the first time on New Year's Eve.  I may not be a SUPERFAN of Avatar but I'm a MEGAFAN of CBD!  
But back to Avatar.
First, let me say that some of my favorite movies are a James Cameron joint.  Jim is one of my favorite directors!  In fact, I'd put Jimmy's ALIENS in my top ten all time favorites!

​Before I get back to Jimmy and Avatar, I wanted to mention a few more things that went down in and around New Year's Eve.  So, I did a lot of writing that night.  I actually finished up the first act of my screenplay: Uncaged Hearts.  It felt really good to be doing what I love on New Year's Eve.  That is, writing.  It seemed like a nice harbinger to me.  I had planned to tune into the Miley Cyrus/Dolly Parton fete on NBC; but I got so into what I was doing I missed the first hour or so.  Anyhoo...when I tuned in, Miley and David Byrne(!) were just starting to belt out Bowie's "Let's Dance."  How fantastic! I thought​.  I mean I LOVE her and he's one of my ALT go to's.  They both did the tune justice (the band too!)...then I got concerned.  Why is Miley dancing like that?  Wait...is that water on the stage?  Is she afraid she might go down like the Hesperus in her six inch heels?  David had on sneakers...was he concerned about electrocution?  Was Miley taking cues from David back in the day with his herky-jerky dance moves?

Once (in a lifetime) I was sure they weren't going to get zapped, I thought, how great to see a 70 year old dude singing with a young Pop star.  Then I thought, "Wait...does anybody in that audience know who he is?  Or who Dolly is?"  But I was thrilled to see David there.
However...
Later in the show, they brought out Sia in a box.  I'm not all that familiar with Sia and her music; so when she started singing I thought: "Oh, this must be some new single...or old hit..."  And then David wandered out again, in the same outfit he wore for "Let's Dance" and started singing with Sia.  I was confused.  I thought: "Is this her song or his song?"  It seemed to be her song; but then he kind of steam-rolled over her and took the vocal reigns (reins? I guess either word would work).  Apparently he had sung during the part I missed.  I think that's maybe two times too many David Byrne numbers.  I mean, don't get me wrong.  I love him and always have...but the duet with Sia kind of sabotaged the great moment with Miley.  And I have to ask, Sia, what's with the hiding your eyes bit?  I'm sorry, but I need to see a singer's eyes.  There's almost as much of the song there as there is in the voice. I need a singer to look me in the eyes!  I don't trust someone who won't look me in the eyes.  I don't trust it in a bank teller, I don't trust it in an insurance salesman and I certainly don't trust it in a Chief of Surgery!*  And what's with the black and white wigs?  Sia honey, Cruella Deville has the lock on that.  Ditch the wigs, babe.

So, back to Avatar...There will be spoilers!
​I knew there was no way of getting out of it; for the husband, who "liked" the first one, was keen to see this one.  I had seen the various and sundry trailers numerous times, so I sort of knew what I was in for.  But, as I enjoy gazing at undersea creatures, I thought: Okay, fine, I'm sure those three hours and ten minutes will fly by!  But even my husband (wait a sec...did I ever mention his name is Joseph?  I keep calling him "my husband," like Jeannie with "my Master"  So from here on out, he will be referred to as Joseph and in further blogs, if you come across his name, you'll know to whom I'm referring) was a bit daunted by the looooong run time.  And BTW, what is up nowadays with these gargantuan run times, for like everything? 
Thank you for calling MOVIE-PHONE: you have chosen MINIONS 11: The Minions Take Milwaukee: Now playing at AFU Town Center: THREE HOURS AND TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES
​I mean, don't get me wrong: I like a nice long movie every now and again (I feel like I'm getting my money's worth) but when some third-tier superhero movie's fifth installment is over two hours; I'm sorry but that's just bloat.  And I sat through all five plus hours of 1900 at the New Beverly Cinema when it was the Old Beverly Cinema!  Now that's some Cinephilia!  But hey, I got to see De Niro's ding-ding!  And Gerard Depardieu's too (I mean, this was when you would've wanted to see it; although, if De Niro wanted to show me his ding-ding today, who am I to say 'No'?).

​Speaking of ding-dings...
I couldn't help but wonder what a Na'vi ding-ding looked like. Or Na'vi lady-nips. Or Na'vi...well, let's just say it: sphincters.  Because such great pains were taken to avoid showing any of it.  Like, Na'vi gals necklaces had a sort of physics defying way of not moving; thus, not engendering a Na'vi Nip-Slip.  In fact, the male Na'vi seemed to be somewhat bereft of nipples as well.  Like cats, they have tails, and you know what happens when a cat raises its tail.  Not so the Na'vi.  Not a Na'vi butthole to be seen on the entire planet.  Jim C.: please address these pressing issues in Avatar 3: Na'vi Wee-Wee.
Okay, let me first say, that I enjoyed Avatar: The Way of Water a lot more than I thought I was going to.  Why?  Hmmmm...let me think on that.  Oh yeah: one word: Sigourney.  Going in, I knew that Sigourney was supplying one of the voices; but I didn't think she'd be "in" the movie.  But she was.  Much to my surprise and delight.  And I'm just gonna say it: she made the first two hours "sit-through-able."

​She was supplying the voice of a 14 year-old hybrid Na'vi girl named Kiri, whose mother is the character Sigs played in the first movie (and reprises here, in various, well...avatars).  The franchise has apparently morphed into an outer space soap opera too; what with all the "I'm your baby daddy," and "Who's your daddy, baby?" plot-points unfurling. I get the feeling they glossed over, tweaked or downright ignored some of the premises that were set-up in the first movie.  I mean, why not?  Who would remember them, besides the most unhinged fanboys/girls.  For example; there was zero mention of the McGuffin from the first one.  What was it called? "Unobtainium"? that ore the "Sky People" were after?  Or how about the bedrock premise of the story.  You need to be an avatar to go to Pandora?  Am I correct in recalling that our hero, Sully, who did not have the use of his legs, was put to sleep and immersed in a tank of goo in order to cavort amongst the Na'vi?  Which, wouldn't that mean that he wasn't really there?  And if he wasn't really there, how could the Na'vi, who really were there, interact with him?  This ground zero idea didn't fly with me from the get go; maybe that's why the first movie bugged me so much.  That and the cardboard villain; GILF though he was.  That and the nearly expressionless faces of the alien characters.  And you'd think in fifteen years the software would've developed to the point where the Na'vi et. al. might register certain basic emotions on their faces; like happy or sad...but it hasn't, really.  The characters in old 2-D Disney animations had more emotion than these poker faced aliens of Avatar.
Which is why the voice acting needs to carry it.  And our Sigourney achieves that with flying colors!  And I'll give it to Zoe Saldana too.  The only point when I was emotionally moved during the entire three hours and ten minutes was when Zoe's character was keening over her dead son.

​The last hour was pretty amazing: when the movie morphs into a patented Jimmy C. ACTIONER!  It was actually kind of a mash-up of a lot of the set-pieces from ALIENS and Titanic; the latter being another of my favs of Jim's flicks.  I saw ALIENS twice at the movies, maybe three.  I saw Titantic twice (and then again when it was re-released in 3-D) and also I saw Terminator 2 twice at the movies; and it, again, when it was re-released in 3-D...so I just want to reiterate my fandom of Jimmy!  So, I thoroughly enjoyed the climax.
But I have some questions...
Where did Edie Falco go?
Why did the movie suddenly become a whaling epic?
Shouldn't have the asshole Aussie whale hunter lost his skull cap, rather than his arm (poetic justice)?; but that's just the screenwriter in me.  Or is Jimmy gonna bring him back...because even though he and his arm were launched overboard and his boat exploded, in MovieLand, that doesn't necessarily mean he's dead.
I just learned that yesterday was officially the U.S. Screenwriter's Day. Does that include unproduced screenwriters?  I hope so.  Do you know how many really great screenplays I read when I was a script reader at Robinson, Weintraub and Gross?  A lot!  And if I thought something was good, I would tell the powers that be that I thought so (not that it would've made a difference, anyways).  I figured that since like, 99 and 44/100th percent of unsolicited screenplays would never see the light of day I might as well "greenlight" as many as I could.  I guess I resented and was fighting the PATRIARCHY: the automatic "NO" people. Well, in Hollywood, the matriarchy is just as bad...
​So let's all say a prayer to one of the patron Saints of writers.  How about that sexy-ass chrome dome, Saint Francis De Sales?  Works for me!  He can write his name on my throbbing heart anytime he wants!

*Guess the movie!

CFR  1/6/23