Artwork by JohnnY Lee @ ArtStation

I'm getting ahead of myself again.  So sue me.  I guess it's just part of my artistic process that I'm going to have to simply accept.  That, and my awful spelling.  Not my forte.  And this site doesn't have spell-check when I open it in Opera.  In any event...
Like so much of my work, this idea for a sequel to Good Will Hunting started out as a joke.  But then an extremely troubling element of the detention of young men caused me to not take this undertaking lightly.  Not that it was even supposed to be an undertaking.  But the scene immediately following the last scene I wrote of this in Part 4, almost exactly a year ago; keeps nagging at me.  Write me!  Write me!  WRITE ME!  So, I guess I gotta write it.  Now, for those of you following along at home, my decision to make Will, a character I did not create, bi-sexual should not come as a surprise.  As a matter of fact, in my ongoing research (if you want to call it that) I read something about the original script having a graphic gay love scene between Will and one of the other male characters.  I can neither confirm or deny this (more research forthcoming).  But we do get a scene in the final cut where Will (I think he's supposed to be hypnotized); undergoing therapy, implies that he was molested by a man.  But then he seems to be pranking his therapists as he starts singing "Afternoon Delight."  He was making it all up, because that's what they wanted to hear, right?  But was he? 

But really; that song would turn anyone bisexual, right?

CUT TO:
INT.  COIT TOWER HALL/STAIR WAY -DAY
Will and Skylar move slowly past murals which depict near life-size figures, done in a stylized but naturalistic way.  One is a street scene and the pair appear to be almost a part of the mural themselves.  They pass one panel depicting INDUSTRY which features figures of men with Erlenmeyer flasks, beakers, Bunsen burners etc.
WILL
Look Skylar, chemists...
SKYLAR
What do you know...
WILL
What's he doing?
SKYLAR
Chemical canoodling.  You know, without chemicals, life itself is impossible.
WILL
(LAUGHS)  Can I ask you something?
SKYLAR
Sure.
WILL
Is it okay to ask you questions?
SKYLAR
About chemistry?
WILL
About anything.  I feel like I really don't have the right, at this point.
SKYLAR
Well, as I can't see that either of us has nothing but questions for the other; yes.  Ask away.  And not only that; nothing is off the table.
WILL
So--
SKYLAR
Animal, vegetable or mineral?  Just kidding.
WILL
Why aren't you at Stanford?
SKYLAR
Well, I'd actually gotten an offer for the job at Ghiradelli when I was in Boston; and then, when I got out here and peed on a stick, I figured having money coming in was more important.
WILL
What about--
SKYLAR
Will, that money is really just a nice little nest egg.  It's not enough to take me through the rest of my life, let alone a second person.
WILL
That's the last time I'm ever bringing up that fucking money.
SKYLAR
I told you.  Everything is fair game.  My turn.  Is that a new jacket?
WILL
Yeah--
SKYLAR
It's nice.  Is that a Baracuta?
WILL
Yeah.  It's kind of a Southie thing.  How did you know?
SKYLAR
It's a British brand.
WILL
Is it?
SKYLAR
Yes.  And it's not cheap.
WILL
Tell me about it!

SKYLAR
It looks brand new.  Where did you get it?
WILL
Right here in San Fran.
SKYLAR
You know you're not supposed to say that.
WILL
I know.  It drives people crazy for some reason.  Anyways, back in Southie, you could only get the real deal on these jackets via mail order; a place called Cable Car Clothiers.
SKYLAR
Here in Frisco?
WILL
Yeah, so I went there and got one.  I saved a shitload on shipping.
SKYLAR
It looks good on you.  It's sharp.
WILL
(Blushing) Thanks.
SKYLAR
But the question behind my question is: how did you afford it?  To be blunt: what are you doing for money?
WILL
Well, I had a little nest egg myself.  I have some savings.  I mean, I'd basically been squatting in that apartment.  I got some scratch from that juvie settlement--long story--and I've been working on and off in the math department at San Fran State U.  And all things considered, the Y has pretty reasonable rates.
SKYLAR
The YMCA...what's that all about?
WILL
Whatdaya mean?  It's fun to stay there. They have everything for young men to enjoy!
Will starts SINGING the song "YMCA" and doing the dance steps.  Skylar shakes her head but can't contain her utter delight.

CUT TO:
EXT. COFFEE KIOSK AT COIT TOWER -DAY
Skylar is seated at a table near a street vendor/coffee stand, just at the base of Coit Tower.  Will is at the window ordering.  The BARISTA hands Will two coffees and he hands her some bills.
WILL
Keep the change.
Will goes to the table, sits across from Skylar, and places a coffee in front of her.
WILL
One decaf, hot off the press.
SKYLAR
Will, I hardly think one coffee is going to do any harm.
WILL
Better safe than sorry.
SKYLAR
(LAUGHS) My mother smoked a pack a day, went to three martini lunches and ate sushi when she was carrying me.
WILL
Your mother is Japanese?
SKYLAR
They lived in Japan for a while when dad was in the Diplomatic Service.
WILL
I think you turned out okay.
SKYLAR
That's a relief. So, I have some more questions for you.
WILL
Well, it's actually my turn.
SKYLAR
No, you asked me if I wanted coffee.
WILL
Toosh.
SKYLAR
Back on the steps, you said you knew this baby was yours.
WILL
Yes.
SKYLAR
Did you think there was more than one candidate?
WILL
Oh, God, no!  I didn't mean it like that!
SKYLAR
I just wanted to be sure.  Because I'm sure it's yours too.  There's no one else in the running.
WILL
I meant--
SKYLAR
You don't have to explain--
WILL
You were my first.
SKYLAR
Oh.  Are you saying...
WILL
Yes.
SKYLAR
Wasn't expecting that. Will, I should tell you that you weren't mine.  As much now as I'd like that to be the case.  But there was someone before you and it was pretty serious.
WILL
What happened?
SKYLAR
He wanted to get married and I wasn't ready for that.
WILL
Married?  
SKYLAR
Yes.  And I thought we were too young; so he went on his way.
WILL 
And now he's on his way back?
SKYLAR
Something like that.
WILL
I understand.  I mean, I wasn't expecting that we'd meet up and everything would be hunky-dory.
SKYLAR
(LAUGHING)  I'm sorry.  Hunky-dory?  Your friend really was right.

WILL
What?  I picked that up from you.
SKYLAR
You did not!  David Bowie maybe.
WILL
What's his name, Nigel?  Basil?  Reginald?
SKYLAR
Quite interestingly, it's William.
WILL
No shit?
SKYLAR
No shit.
WILL
Are you going to marry him after all?
SKYLAR
I have no idea.  You've lobbed several monkey wrenches into my life Mr. Hunting.
Will doesn't answer.  He sips his coffee pensively.
SKYLAR
Now might be the right time for these...
She reaches down and picks up her bag and retrieves the sack of Kraft caramels Will had left for her.  She plops it on the table.
WILL
So caramels and coffee.  Now it doesn't seem so arbitrary.
SKYLAR
(As she unwraps a caramel)  Who is this friend of yours?
WILL
His name in Jake.  He's really a good guy. You'd like him. He thinks we should be roommates.
SKYLAR
So, you're going to stay in the city?
WILL
Well, yeah.  If you want me to.
SKYLAR
I do.  I won't lie and say I haven't missed you.
WILL
Oh my God...I've so missed you.
SKYLAR
Will, I can't say I know how this is going to work out--
One of the parrots, a cherry-headed conure, SQUAWKS as it flies over head.  It drops a payload of poop which lands on Wills shoulder and drips down the front of his new jacket.
WILL
Oh shit. 
He reaches for some napkins and Skylar stops him.
SKYLAR
The best thing is to let it dry and then scrape it off.
WILL
Nah. Where's the john?  I don't want us all to get histoplamatics.
SKYLAR
That's an old wive's tale!  But it's good luck Will.
WILL 
Not on my new Baracuta it's not!
She LAUGHS again as Will stands and whips the jacket off.  Holding it out in front of himself like it's a vial of small-pox, he heads off.
WILL
Don't go anywhere.  I'll be back in a flash.  And don't worry; it'll all be hunky-dory!
She watches as he heads off to find the bathroom.  When he's out of sight, she leans over the table and tries to hold back tears.  She can't.

CUT TO:
EXT. COMMONWEALTH AVENUE, BACK BAY, BOSTON  -DAY
We have now switched from ANIMATION to LIVE-ACTION, as the scenes that unfold in the present will now be presented as such.  We watch as a YOUNG WOMAN, late 20's, jogs along the pathway of the park that runs down the middle of the thoroughfare.  At one point she crosses the street and heads up the stairs of a 19th century town-house.  At four stories above the street, it's actually a small mansion.  The young woman is LAURYN HUNTING.  She is quite attractive and athletic.  She fishes in her fanny pack and retrieves a set of keys.  As she moves a key towards the lock, she notices the door is actually ajar.  She pushes it and it swings open.  She shakes her head and SIGHS.
LAURYN
Unbelievable.
She enters the house and shuts the door behind her, making sure it's closed and locked.
CUT TO:
INT. TOWNHOUSE  -DAY
Lauryn crouches down and picks up some mail off the floor and walks into the foyer, affording us a look at the place.  It is Gilded Age sumptuousness at it's most...sumptuous.

CUT TO:
INT. TOWNHOUSE BEDROOM -DAY
The room is just as opulently appointed as the foyer; but it's quite lived in: slightly cluttered with books and art and coffee cups and ashtrays.  In the bed we can make out two figures beneath the covers.  We hear LAURYN'S VOICE from somewhere below.
LAURYN
(O/S)  Isa?  Isa?  Where are you my isat?
The covers stir and one of the figure's hands reaches towards the nightstand and paw around for some glasses.  The figure sits up and we see that it is a man.  He places the glasses on his face and gets out of the bed.  This is TOM ALDERDICE, mid to late 50's.  He is not exactly "non-descript" though he is clearly the academic, serious type; but he does have a certain Teddy-bearish appeal.  He goes to the window and opens the blinds.
LAURYN
(O/S)  Isat.  My ISAT!  WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR BREAKFAST?
The second figure in the bed sits up.  He too finds a pair of glasses and puts them on.  He SIGHS.  We can see that it is WILL HUNTING, now in his early 50's.
WILL
Why is she calling us that?
TOM
She's been on the heredity sites.  I believe that's Finnish for "dads."
WILL
(LAUGHS) Oh.  And all this time I thought I was Irish.
We hear a KNOCK on the door.
TOM
Come in.
The door bursts open and Lauryn enters, holding a spatula.
LAURYN
Good morning isat! 
She goes to Tom and kisses him on the cheek.
LAURYN
What do you want for breakfast?  Pancakes or waffles.  And make it fast because I don't have all day.
TOM
Waffles.
LAURYN
(Turning to Will)  How about you?  And you better say vohveleita.
WILL
I take it that's Finnish for "waffles?"
LAURYN
Joo!
WILL
Sure that.
LAURYN
Well come on then!  Vamoose!
She starts swatting Tom's butt with the spatula.
TOM
Please don't do that.  Oww.
Will CHUCKLES as Lauryn herds Tom out of the room.

So, after The Polar Express, the filmgoing public got Beowulf in 2007.  But did we really want it?  Was it Woody Allen who said, "Just don't take any class where they make you read Beowulf..."

So, this was a Paramount joint.  How on Earth did you get Paramount to pony up 150 million smackers to make a movie version of a piece of literature that was universally hated by American kids, who'd had it foisted upon them by the educational system for some reason?  I mean, I could understand if this was released in Norway...but it wasn't; which maybe explains why they're the "happiest nation on Earth."  Oh, wait...or is that Finland?  Paramount must've signed the check as they made a 630 million dollar profit on Forrest Gump.  Seems like they threw you a bone Bob; 'cuz in my first hand experience, that particular dream factory usually forgot their wallet when it came time to pay for lunch!
So you doubled down on the "motion capture" with Beowulf.  You too Ms. Wright.  You were in this.  Or, rather, an unreasonable facsimilie of you was in this.

Queen Beowulf, step awaay from the harp.

Actually, it's a pretty song, nicely sung (did you supply the singing voice, Robin?); but what's with the bizarre cutaway?  I mean, you're already making me watch motion capture; couldn't you at least just tell the story normally?  And why was Ray Winstone playing Beowulf?  Wasn't he a Brit known for playing Brit gangsters up to that point?  Thinking back on Beowulf, which, yes, I actually saw at a theater; I recall thinking they did a really good job of making Ray look like Chris Hemsworth (although he was just starting out then, so maybe I was thinking Brad Pitt?).  But I was definitely thinking of British gangsters the entire time I was watching the movie.  I mean, there wasn't a Skaarsgaard that couldn't have taken the role?  Alexander maybe?

No, he was just starting out then.  How about the actual Brad Pitt?

He'd just done the blonde classic hero thing in Troy, a few years before.  That flopped too, didn't it?  No, wait; it was a huge hit.  Maybe Brad was offered the role of Beowulf and was like: "Nah, been there, done that."  I wonder if Brad trimmed his bush for Troy.  He must've.  Maybe that's why he didn't want to do Beowulf because he read the script and saw there was a nude scene and his bush had taken a really long time to grow back.  Not realizing his actual bush would not be on camera, he passed.  And speaking of Beowulf's bush not being on camera...

So, Beowulf, in his big battle with Grendel (the villain/monster), decides to undertake this undertaking sans underthings.  In other words: STARK NAKED.  So, does that mean we got to see this blonde cartoon hunk strutting through the long-house/yurt/grubehus; his personal sword swinging along right beside Hrunting?  No.  It means the filmmakers took extreme measures to insure we never got any kind of glimpse of Beowulf's tackle sitch. They bent over backwards to make sure Beowulf never bent over forwards. Oh let's just face it: we never get to see his schlong and klackers.  Or his taint.  Or his B.O.B.B. (back of ball bag). Or his chocolate starfish.  Or a full on ass shot.  Am I being crude? Yes.  Yes I am.  But don't make me pay ten bucks to sit through this and then tease me with a nude scene and then not show me the goods.  That one's on you Bob.  And you kind of cheated by hiring then unknown Alan Ritchson to be the motion you captured for Beowulf's figure (I guess Ray just supplied the voice).  Speaking of voices.  Alan, who has gone on to show biz success; first hit the map with American Idol, no less.  What a strange world we live in.

You should've let Alan do the singing voice and have had a duet with Queen Beowulf.  Oh, her name is actually "Wealhtheow."  What's with that extra "H" in the middle?  Did the poor screenwriter have to keep going back and putting the extraneous "H" back in when they forgot?  Who is "Anonymous"; one of the writers listed in the credits?  The Ancient Elders of Valhalla?  Or Bob Zemeckis?
Actually, this movie didn't flop.  It wasn't some crazy hit; but it did okay in the long run.  Not so much your next feature; and I think the less we say about this, the better.  2009's A Christmas Carol. Released by The Walt Disney Company.  I know this story, which I dearly love, literally has horror elements.  But one of those, I'm thinking, really shouldn't be Scrooge's face.  Here are some depictions of Scrooge, via the movies, over the years:

You know, so the idea is that you hire an actor who is not neccessarily drop-dead handsome; but yeah, kind of handsome. "Ugg" him up for the nasty parts; and then make him pretty for the flashbacks.  More or less.  You don't get Jim Carrey; who I would argue is handsome; and then do this to his face:

I'm sorry; but that is so unrelentingly F***ing ugly, I simply can't watch the movie because of it.  And I gave it the old college try.  Even in the parts where Jim is not supposed to be ugly, he's still ugly:

Shit, you even managed to make the HOT, fun-loving, ghost-Daddy ugly and off-putting:

I guess this is round-a-bout way of saying: "Please stop doing this."  Or maybe, again, it should be: "Why do you keep doing this?"  I mean, you keep hiring the same actors over and over again; so clearly you love them.  So why wouldn't you want to see their real faces emoting in these roles?  I really do not get it.  And now you're going to do it again with Here or There or whatever it is.  What is "face swapping"?  (It can't be good).  Why would anyone's face need to be swapped, outside of a Face/Off sequel?

Speaking of FACE/OFF, which is another Paramount joint...this might be the one project where your motion capture obsession might just come in handy, Bob!  Since you have that "in" with P-Mount, I think you should put in your bid ASAP!  I mean, Nick Cage is having a career renaissance (speaking of doing original material!) and John Travolta (whose STAR will simply never dim (but could use a jushz right now) is ripe for a nice juicy hit.  Bob, I think they're your man!  And let's drag Tom Hanks into this.  He could be the down on his luck private dick that gets called in to hunt them down.  Actually, I've never seen FACE/OFF; but I"m guessing it will require "face swapping"!
Moving on...
Flight (2012):  Netflixed and chilled this one.  Denzel Washington flying a jumbo jet upside down.  Didn't The Concorde: Airport '79 aleready cover that?  Don't you miss those movies that had the cast photos in a little grid on the poster?  Let's take a look!

Back to FACE/OFF for a minute.  How about we get John and Nick as their original characters and then Tom and then bring in David Naughton as Tom's brother (they run the detective agency together) and the four of them all swap faces!  Since I've never seen the original FACE/OFF, I'm not really sure how serious one is supposed to take it.  Isn't it so over the top that it's camp?  That it's practically a comedy?  That might be the way to go with our sequel.  I'd be happy to collab with you Bob.  Call me: (540) 520-1974 (message and data rates may apply!).
Yes, David Naughton; because I really think he got the short end of the stick when it came to his career.  

The Walk (2015): I'm gonna save this one for last.
Allied (2016): Now, I saw this at the movies.  So you finally did get Brad Pitt!  I liked it a lot.  But I was confused by it.  It didn't really seem to know what it wanted to be.  It was kind of a remake of Above Suspicion; a Joan Crawford/Fred MacMurray vehicle that wasn't particularly popular, even in 1943.

I mean, if you're going to remake a Joan Crawford movie, why not Mildred Pierce or Humoresque or my personal favorite, the amazing, Sudden Fear?

I did love Allied's love scene though.  Although, I got a bit distracted by wondering how you got the camera to fly around the interior of the car.  You may be going overboard with your tech if people are wondering about that while Brad Pitt is about to flash his bush.

Welcome to Marwen (2018):  Now this one was unquestionably original.  Maybe a little too original.  And I like 11 and a half inch fashion dolls.  Myself and Joseph may have been two of the only people on Earth who saw this at the movies. Let's take a look!

Again, we have the uncanny valley problem with the dolls.  They border on scary.  Why couldn't they have simply been really long-legged actresses, as they were all newcomers; I mean, since it was all happening in Steve Carell's mind, anyways?
Oh, here's my Barbie doll movie from the early aughts, if you're interested (WARNING: Contains genital-free sex!):

The Witches (2020):  This was a remake of Nicolas Roeg kid's movie.  Did everyone forget that Nicolas Roeg doesn't make kids movies?  This is as about as much of a kid's movie as The Polar Express.  Gonna put this in with Back to the Future II.  Hard to look at and gave me a headache.
Now let's get back to The Walk (2018).  I FREAKIN' LOVED THIS MOVIE!  Talk about original.  It was a movie about a French tightrope walker who did it between the World Trade Towers.  A niche moment in history if there ever was one.  What the movie really is, is a love letter to New York City and the Towers themselves.  I saw it with Joseph in 2-D and loved it so much; went back by myself to see it again in 3-D.  It was intense!  I heard a lot of people walked out because they couldn't take it.  And I'm afraid of heights!  I was hooked when I saw the teaser trailer.

I thought it was one of the best movies of 2015.  It was certainly my favorite. Now, The Walk only cost 35 million.  I would've guessed three times that.  So this again begs the question, Bob: why are you sending your budgets into the stratosphere with this inexplicable pursuit of what I think we can all agree is an outrageously overpriced gimmick?
I have to thank you though.  You are one of the few major directors who will do unusual material like Welcome to Marwen and The Walk.
Let me pitch a project idea that might tickle your fancy.  It's the story of Klackers; the toy that got taken off the market because of its tendency to explode.  It has a lot of your favorite boxes to check off: imperilled tykes, the late 60's/early 70's, unusual subject matter, quintessential Americana, rags to riches, etc. etc. And these "business model" movies have been all the rage.  Aren't we getting one about Pop-Tarts?
Here's a commercial to get your imagination going:

I know!  Tom Hanks plays the inventor of Klackers and they end up blinding Robin Wright.  He then leaves the toy trade to study to become a doctor in order to restore her sight.  It's kind of a remake of Magnificent Obsession; but in the 70's.  With Klackers.  

And we can have the little photo-grid of the STARS in the cast:

Call me!
Ciao.

​CFR   4/30/24

NOW WITH GAY PRIDE ZHUZH!

Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself again; but we must follow where the muse leads us.  And the muse is leading me to Mr. Christopher Meloni. Again.  The first piece I wrote about him was a consideration of where, exactly, he fits on the Kinsey Sliding Scale of Pop Sexuality.  Real or imagined.  And a lot of us out there are imagining things about Mr. Meloni.  And Mr. Meloni seems to be stroking--err--stoking them.  Imaginations, that is.  In my first blog, a lot of the pictures I posted disappeared or were replaced with images I didn't place.  And they seem to keep changing!  Perhaps this time Mr. Meloni's bits will stay in one place.  We can only hope.  Although, I'm sure a lot of us would love to see Mr. Meloni's bits any place.  Or all over the place.  So, I'm just going to post some more pictures of Mr. Meloni that I find interesting and rate them on the original scale I used in the first blog:
1. Not very gay
2. Kind of gay
3. More than a little gay
4. Really gay
5. Super gay
​6. Super-duper gay
7. Mineshaft gay
​​There were will be minimal commentary on my part, other than the rating.  But don't hold me to that, por favor.

Zealous consumption of chocolate, cream frosted cup-cake with cherry on top:  Kind of gay.

Wearing this and you're not an Alpha Kappa Alpha: Really gay.

Hosing down men while holding a paddle in your other hand: Super gay. Oh, wait. That's a baseball bat: Mineshaft gay.

Emulating Mike Rowe: Mineshaft Gay

Becoming Jon Hamm: More Than a Little Gay

Sleeveless after a certain age: Kind of Gay
​
Melon-Mania: Super-duper gay

Assuming the following position:

No WOMAN on the planet Earth has ever been titillated by seeing a man from this P.O.V.: MINESHAFT GAY

More feet stuff including feet selfies: Super Gay

Chanelling Stanley Tucci: Kind of Gay   SIDE NOTE: (I'm going to introduce a new feature in these blogs, for when I misspell something and come across it later:  "Miss Spelling Sez."  As in: Miss Spelling sez that "chanelling" is spelled with two "n"s and sometimes one "l" or two "l"s (the latter being the British preference).  As originally written "chanelling" could be construed as any sort of manifestation of the fashion house of Chanel.  That could be, say, wearing a Chanel fragrance (I bet Antaeus would smell awesome on Mr. Meloni (a little goes a long way).  Or, wearing a Chanel suit (and as Chanel makes only women's suits, for the most part; I don't think that look would suit Mr. Meloni). Or, going about impersonating Mme. Chanel in some way; whether that be full on drag or just spouting aphorisms like: "If your jewelry clinks, you're wearing too much. And if it doesn't, you're not wearing enough."

Hunky high-school jock/football player: Not Very Gay or Super-duper gay (tie).

Never mind the belt buckle; let's talk about those boots. Kind of Gay

I'll give you a pass on these.  These just might be bad taste: Not Very Gay at All

This tattoo (not yours): Mineshaft Gay

I guess this is a tattoo you wear when in character for your cop show.  My dad was in the Marines and although he's not very gay; he kind of is; because: Marines.  KIND OF GAY

And finally:

A tattoo of Jesus.  Not Very Gay.  But really cool.  I made a prop for a play that has an extremely similar image of Christ:

And we're all three named Chris!  I like that!
HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!
Over and out.
Christopher

CFR   5/18/24

Okay, this was pretty hilarious too...

It seems as though my original feelings/reaction to this film are shared by many.  So, how is this considered a "beloved holiday classic" worthy of a sequel? Maybe because it sleighed(!) at the box office? Eventually. I can only say, guys, that if you do indeed decide to go ahead and make a sequel, please just film it live action.  Even if the technology of "motion capture/A/I (whatever)" has reached a point to take it out of the uncanny valley; the question remains. Why?  Does it save money?  Well, in a quick comparison, Forrest Gump cost next to nothing at $55 million.  The Polar Express' budget was a whopping $170 million!  Even with adjustments for inflation taken into consideration, I would say that "motion capture" is in no way a money saving venture.  And I don't really care how advanced it gets; that is, how close it gets to tricking me that I'm watching a real human.  I don't know about you, but I prefer to watch real humans.  Not some bizarre hybrid.  Or animation, whether that be traditional or computer generated.  For some reason that works. Perhaps because you're not trying to graft either discipline onto the other.  Or how about, if you want to save money, you just film real human actors against green screen and put in the backgrounds (or foregrounds) later; like what they did with Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow?  That only cost 70 million.  That's a ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLAR SAVINGS!!!  Bonus: real human eyes that dilate and faces that make expressions!  Let's take a look:

Oh, it was blue screen.  And maybe we didn't need an hour and eighteen minutes of that; but it's still fascinating.  And a real test of the actor's craft!  I loved it; but I think it crashed and burned at the box office.  You can't say it wasn't original!
And speaking of original.  You can't say that a lot of what you do Bob, isn't "original."  You definitely take risks with what you decide to greenlight.  And at the risk of looking like a kiss-ass; I'm going to break it all down for you, even though you and no one else has asked!
ROBERT ZEMECKIS FILMMOGRAPHY**
I Wanna Hold Your Hand (1978): I saw this in Shrewsbury, Massachusetts with my cousins.  Loved it!  It was one of those cases of being sent to the movies by the parents and going out of boredom and not really caring about what you went to see.  Or did we go to see Love At First Bite?  No, that was later.  But I was taken by surprise!  Nancy Allen and Wendie Jo Sperber?  Bob, you have an instinct!
1941(1979): Didn't see this at the movies; but vividy recall the newspaper ads, for some reason:

Of course, I wouldn't have been going to see it in Fort Worth, Texas...
Don't you miss the movie section of the newspapers?  And isn't it fascinating to look at these pages and think: "Oh, that was out at the same time that was?"  I think it is.  Well, it wasn't until 1941 hit cable and was on 41 times a day that I fell in love with it.  And BONUS: Nancy Allen and Wendie Jo Sperber!  And to think you didn't know Tom yet! Also, Dianne Kay, who was my favorite Bradford of Eight Is Enough.  Why did she disappear?  If Nancy Allen could go on to Robocop, why couldn't Dianne?
1941: Original theatrical release only, please.  Somehow putting back the cut material in this ruins it.
Used Cars (1980)  Have never seen it.  Aware of critical acclaim.  Put on TO WATCH list.
Romancing the Stone (1984): Another case of not seeing it at the movies but coming to love it on cable.  Adored Kathleen Turner since The Doctors.  Adored Michael Douglas since Coma!  Let's see what Macho Chris has to say about Michael...
​

Back to the Future (1985): This was one of those phenomenon movies that pretty much everyone went to see.  I remember seeing it with a friend in a packed theater.  What to say?  Total enjoyment from start to finish.
Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (1988)  This was the first movie I recall seeing when I had moved into the city from my childhood home for the first time.  I remember it was a really hot day and enjoying the cool of the theater.  Loved the movie (had a "thing" for Bob Hoskins).  Got a little too dark at the end with that disturbing freaky villain.

Definitely niche.  But if you get it, you get it.  Cher got it.  But would it've killed Disney to wax Bob's shoulders?  (Bob Hoskins, that is...)

​Back to the Future Part II (1989): All the magic of the first was lost.  Too busy in every way; particularly on the eyes.  Getting a headache just thinking about it.
Back to the Future Part III (1990): Have never seen it and never will.  I avoid Westerns at all costs.
Trespass (1992) Never heard of it then; don't remember it now.  One of those scripts that probably should've been left in the bottom drawer.
Death Becomes Her (1992):  Some kind of classic.  Loved it then.  Haven't seen it in a while.  Has it aged well; or did it age like Mad and Hel?
Forrest Gump (1994) Personally important movie for me in many ways.  Say what you will about it's politics and/or corniness: it's still magical.
Bordello of Blood (1996):  That title was off putting then and it's off putting now.  Dennis Miller and Corey Feldman, together at last!  Have never seen it and probably never will: reasons, not the least of which, that Miller is now  a "conservative comedian."  Sorry Dennis; you can't have both.
Contact (1997): Actually, saw this several times at the movies.  Not sure why.  The comforting presence of Jodie Foster maybe?  Or maybe I was trying to figure out why she was talking to David Morse on a beach in outer space?

What Lies Beneath (2000): One of the first movies I saw with my husband.  All I remember was a hamster that could breathe under water and wet footprints on a dock.
Cast Away (2000):  Enjoyed it a lot; particularly ogling* Tom Hanks!  But thinking back, and I'm sorry to say this, I recall it being a GIGANTIC FedEx​ commercial.  Sometimes you can take product placement too far, gentlemen.

Now, as our next two features went to Beyond the Valley of the Uncanny; let's tackle them in Part 3 of this nonsense!

* Doesn't it seem like the word "ogle" should have two "g"s?
** Doesn't it seem like the word "filmography" should have two "m"s?  Filmmography; like "filmmaker"?  I think it should, and that's how I'm gonna spell it!

CFR   4/28/24

Bob, can we just get this out of the way first?  You look almost exactly like Drew Carey:

Or maybe we should say: EXACTLY.
But, that's really neither here nor there.  But who does Drew Carey look like, dressed as Santa Claus?  Well, he doesn't look like Santa Claus.  And he doesn't really look like Drew Carey.  So, could we split the difference and say he looks like Bob Zemeckis "motion captured" as Santa Claus?  I guess we could...

Which, I guess this means that we have to drag Tom Hanks into this.  And by that I mean that I am dragging Mr. Hanks into this.  You're certainly not Mr. Zemeckis.  It seems as though maybe Tom is dragging you into things!  Like a proposed sequel to The Polar Express.  Or The Bi-Polar Express, as I cheekily call it.  Or The Bi-Curious-Polar Express (wasnt' that one of Bob Guccione's "pet" projects?).  I jest!
But seriously...
Did Tom Hanks play Santa in The Polar Express?  'Cuz that doesn't really look like him, no matter how you cut the mustard.  And by mustard, I mean, computer generated actors.  I just read Tom is joining you once again for a feature to be released later this year called There.  No wait, Here; which I just learned of.  I also learned it's going to feature A/I "face swapping" and "de-aging."
Mr. Zemeckis.
Mr. Hanks.
Ms. Robin "Jenny" Wright.
Can I ask you to please not do this?
Do what Chris?
Return To the Valley of the Uncanny?
What's "The Return to the Valley of the Uncanny," Chris?
It's a place that nobody really wants to go to guys; which you've proven again and again; with features like Mars Needs Moms and Jim Carey as Ebeneezer Scrooge. Oh; and Beowulf (more on that later).
But Chris, The Polar Express is a beloved Holiday Classic.  We daresay, "HOW DARE YOU!??!"
No wait.  Please, don't get me wrong, beloved directors/slash/actors/slash/producers/slash/Big Wigs.  I cherish much of your work!  As a matter of fact, I watched the beloved Forrest Gump again last night and dragged my virgin husband, kicking and screaming, to Greenbow, Alabama!  Let's reminisce!

I've never seen that before.  It's kind of trippy!  It doesn't have the Alan Silvestri score and there are bits of dialogue and shots that aren't in the final cut.  Here's an interesting tidbit...
Bob, I may have watched an early screening of Forrest Gump with you!  Or maybe even you Tom!  Or maybe BOTH of you!  I remember it like it was yesterday...
So, when I first became a Paramount page, it was June of 1993.  Forrest Gump (with a little retroactive-retrofitted-research) was in pre-production.  In fact, I was looking at the DVD extras on my FG disc and found this piece of video from that very month:

Yes, June 1st, 1993.  It was a Tuesday.  I'd been hired at this point; but I don't think I'd had my first "Page Class" yet.  But maybe I was on the lot at the same time they were filming this.  I guess Tom had the roll (role! although Tom sure was on a "roll" in 1993!) on lockdown; but Robin had to be tested.  Maybe the producers were concerned that she was coming off of Toys.  Or Santa Barbara.

I think she touches her face a little too much in the FG screen-test; but what do I know?  She got the part.  You see, you learn something new every day.  I had no idea Robin was on Santa Barbara.  And I would occasionally watch it.  I do recall, quite vividly, the actress who played her sister: Marcy Walker.  She had played villainous "Liza Colby" on All My Children.

Getting back on track...
So, when I was a page, I quickly got bored (kind of) of giving three hour tours (three hour tours!).  I would do things pages were not supposed to do.  Were told not to do. Things like taking tour groups on to sets (we were only supposed to "linger" outside of soundstage doorways).  After a few months of showing people the large swaths of beige cement that comprised soundstage walls, I started bringing them on to sets.  Not if the set was "hot" of course; but if the door happened to be open and nobody was filming. What could it hurt? Like Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, for example.  The main set, which was a space station, was often sitting empty.  I would bring smaller tour groups on to the set and say things like: "Okay, feel free to look around for a while.  Please don't break anything.  I'll meet you at the door in twenty minutes."  I can't tell you how far this verboten behavior went towards thrilling tourists and getting me twenty minutes closer to lunch without having to babble about Gloria Swanson and the HOLLYWOOD sign.
Sometimes, I would go to the Paramount Theater, which was on the lot and see if the doors were open.  This theater was a full-sized movie theater.  Not huge, but not small either.  Sometimes I would go in and it would be dark and something would be screening.  Sometimes raw footage, dailies, rushes, whatever.  I would sit in the back row and just watch.  No one seemed to care (probably thought I was a janitor or something).  One time I went in and there were like two people watching something.  A finished product.  All scored and edited and theater ready.  The people turned, seemed unconcerned and then turned back to the screen.  I watched.  "Oh," I thought, "it's a jungle.  60's pop rock.  Oh, is that Tom Hanks in an Army uniform?  Oh, it's Viet Nam and it's raining."
And then the rain stopped.  And I was transfixed.  I knew I was watching something amazing.  Great even.  Dare we say: AN AMERICAN CLASSIC?

And this was way before the movie was officially released. This clip starts exactly where I came in and ends exactly when I left (I didn't want to push my luck).  I wonder to this day who the two figures were that were watching.  Was it you Rob?  And was Tom with you?  I don't know; but I feel like I was in on movie history before it was movie history. Before it became a cultural signpost. Sneaks of the World, Unite!
But back, now, not to the future (or perhaps, yes, to the future); but to The Polar Express and it's ilk.  And by "ilk" I mean computer generated "actors."  Let me first state, Mr. Zemeckis, that I have seen the bulk of your cinematic output, whether that be as writer, producer, director, et. al.  So yes, I have seen The Polar Express.  I didn't see it at the movies; but rather, watched it one holiday with family members on a super large screen TV.  And, to be honest, it was a problematic view.  I was looking forward to it.  I had seen the movie trailers and the TV spots and so on. I liked the stylized look of the animation.  It's big Star was Tom Hanks (I don't think I have to reiterate my fandom for Mr. Hanks, here; let's just say it was a given).  I had loved the first adaptation of Chris Van Allsburg's work: Jumanji.  So, I was looking forward to watching The Polar Express.  And then, the film began to unspool.  But before I get into that; can I just say that Chris Van Allsburg is a doll? I just looked him up for the first time.  He's got that nerdy-sexy-tweedy-sweater vest-academic thing going on!  Big Time!  He's a writer and an illustrator!  Let's ogle* Chris!

I'd take a look at his etchings, any time!  I couldn't find any pictures of him "shirtless." :(
​But I did find pictures of this guy, not just shirtless; but pantless:

But again, I'm getting ahead of myself.  Let's take a look at a clip from TPE and meet back here in fifteen minutes or so!

Okay, I haven't seen any of this movie since I first saw it, some ten plus years ago; and I have to say, all those initial reactions have remained unchanged.  All "the feels" came flooding back and they're "feels" I never hope to feel again. I'm sorry fellahs, but I just gotta be honest here.  My takeaway is that those kids are all dead and on an express train to Hell.  Or at least purgatory.  Why don't their faces make expressions.  Why do any smiles we see seem demonic?  Why does one character use the word "cozy" here when absolutely NOTHING about this is "cozy"; including Tom Hanks; who is not just usually "cozy" but "cuddly" as well.  How did you manage to make Tom Hanks terrifying?  Why does that kid backtrack in the snow like the kid from The Shining?  Why is so much emphasis put on the character's eyes when all of their eyes seem so utterly devoid of life?  Iris' fluctuate, you know that don't you?  Actually, this brings up a lot of even DARKER things that I'm not going to express(!) here.  Who on Earth wants a sequel to this?  I'll just say that my take on this movie aligns pretty squarely with "Cinema-Sins"; so let's take a look at that and meet back here in about fifteen more minutes.

I can see that this is going to go on for a while, much like The Polar Express, so, please see the next installment: An Open Letter To Bob, Tom, Robin and Santa: Part 2.

​CFR   4/25/24

So, on SNL last night (4/13/24) everyone was cracking up, right and left.  Particularly, Heidi Gardner.  I don't think I've ever seen someone lose it quite so honestly and emphatically.  It's called "breaking character" and it was a delight.  It was like the show was overcome by some kind of Spring fever and if you ask me, they really needed it.  Of course, everyone on the show was probably anticipating this, so it became something of a fait accompli.  Ryan Gosling was the host and he's known to laugh almost at will during sketches on this show.  He simply couldn't seem to keep it in check and finally just went where the giggles took him.  Is that bad?  Not in my book.  Some of the most famous comedy moments have occured because of people losing it.  And they take the audience with them.  From what I've read; back in the day, if you "broke character" or even flubbed lines (on SNL), there would be a firing squad waiting for you after the show.  Usually with Lorne Michaels handing you your cigarette. No blindfold, I'm guessing.  Someone online commented about the Gardner sketch and was marvelling at the straight faces of the extras.  And then someone else said: "Lorne Michaels' office is probably lined with the heads of extras who broke character." And that made perfect sense.  But I'm guessing he's mellowed.  At least a little.  At least since the 70's, when I can't recall a single incidence of breaking on that show.  Too Carol Burnett.
Yes, I'm prone to breaking up; but I will say a little of it goes a long way.  The audience, as much as they love it, has a tolerance level for it.  Particularly if they can tell another actor is trying to get someone else to break up.  And Kate McKinnon, who was on last night, in her third alien abduction sketch with RG, is a performer who is a bit on the guilty side when it comes to this.  So, the first time RG did the abduction sketch, she was just doing her thing and he lost it.  The second time, she tried to get him to break, so it didn't work (maybe because she was working too hard).  This time, he started giggling before she even got to her third sentence (speaking of getting to sentences, more on that later).  So, she actually held back a little to keep the thing from totally going off the rails, which was kind of the reverse, so that was actually funny in it's own, different way.  When you do lose it, it can be really hard to get out of it; because you start anticipating it happening again; and, you start thinking about it have having happend and find yourself in a giggle loop.  I think the whole show last night was caught in a giggle loop.
I too had a performance this weekend.  Well, sort of.  I had a performance on Thursday of last week and today (Sunday).  It was a little cabaret-ish show to promote a local theater group:

I did a monologue from a Neil Simon play.  I hate monologues.  And I'm starting to hate Neil Simon.  This is the second Neil Simon thing I've done for this group. The Lake Players.  I wrote all about my first experience with the Lake Players and with Mr. Simon in a series of blogs, as it was happening: "An Actor's Diary."  There were numerous entries.  Here is the first:
www.christopherfreidy.com/blog/an-actors-diary-part-1

So, when we did Rumors, our director had us do an improv class early, during the six month(!) rehearsal.  The teacher of the class, who I also wrote about, was a gentelman named Matt Kariss:

So, that was like almost two years ago?  Anyways; I get a call from him, out of the blue, to be in this show.  I hadn't done much since Rumors.  Taking a break, I guess.  I did sign up to be in a short play a friend was putting on at another playhouse; but I had to drop out of that one; something I never do.  Or try to never do.  But it was an emergency of sorts.  My mother, who is 87, had a fall and I had to go to Boston and help out.  Thankfully, she recuperated pretty quickly; so I was able to say "yes" to Matt.  Now, I probably should look up the significance of the number 6, because Rumors had an agonizing six month rehearsal; and this show had the exact opposite.  We only had six rehearsals before we were in front of an audience.  Now, I'll be honest.  I'm getting a little older.  The remembering (rememberance) of dialogue is getting more challenging; although for me, it has always been a challenge.  Remember back in junior high school, when, for whatever reason, they'd make you memorize a poem and then test you on it?  Like, you had to sit there and write the poem out.  That was the test.  And you'd be graded on it.  I would always leave out something.  Some stanza or entire section.  Not enough to flunk; but certainly not A+ work.  I recall having to memorize The Tyger by William Blake (and I never could get past that "y" in tiger.  Like Why, "Y," Will?) And maybe part of that "...not with a bang but a whimper" poem?  And I don't recall even discussing The Tyger in an analytical way.  Like, the important part.  Like the part about what does Blake mean?  What's he getting at?  
Long story short.  I went to The White Room today.  What's The White Room, you ask?  I didn't know about it until fairly recently (at least, not in this sort of explanatory way). Well here's a sort video about it:

And you can't get much whiter than Steve, am I right people?

So, I can't say I went to "The White Room" exactly.  Why?  Because I was completely aware of where I was when I was, wherever I was.  Which was definitely on a stage.  In front of an audience.  Or at at least a group of people.  A group of people who I wished had been wet.  I think Bill Murray explains it best in the beginning of this clip:

I'm an actor.  I like to entertain the audience and have them (hopefully) like me.  But I also want to do my job correctly.  That means things like not breaking character.  Not going up.  Remembering all my dialogue.  Not phoning it in.  Being in the moment.  Or, oh, I don't know...nailing my monologues (although I don't think I've ever truly "nailed" a monolouge; that is, if nailing one is rectiting it verbatim).  I had a monologue in this, as I mentioned.  I also was in a scene with three other actors, wearing a dress.  The scene was from The Producers and one of my character's laugh lines was: "I had no idea that the Third Reich meant Germany..."  On the first performance, I dropped it; but it didn't throw the scene.  In my monologue, there's a line, delivered by an actor, who proclaims that he'll do anything for a role, including "wear(ing) a dress." Which would've been a call-back to The Producers scene and a guaranteed LAUGH (although, in theater, there really are no guaranteed LAUGHS).
Well, on Sunday, I dropped that entire section.  But here's the thing.  I didn't realize I had done this, in both cases, until I was off stage and removing my grease paint (to paint a picture).  I mean, I did utter those lines, at least once, during the aggregate course of both performances.  But that Sunday, which was a matinee, stymied me to a certain degree.  It was like I came out, started talking, and found myself talking to a wall.  It wasn't "crickets" exactly; because that's simply boredom on the part of the audience; and that's because what's happening on stage is boring them.  This was more like a bell jar.  Or when the Starship Enterprise puts up its protective shields...what's that called...oh, yeah...the deflector shields.

I was getting zero feedback from the audience.  The Light Triad was not complete.  What's the Light Triad, you ask?  Well, I'll tell you.  You've probably heard of The Dark Triad.  That's when NARCISSISM, MACHIAVELLIANISM and MANIPULATION, meet up.  Although, I would think MANIPULATION was already part of MACHIAVELLIANISM.  Shouldn't the third leg of the triad be, oh, I don't know...immorality, perhaps.  Or unscrupulous, mabe?  Let's just say: knowledge of "right" and "wrong" but generally opting for wrong.  And not caring.  For me, The Light Triad, as applied to theater, would be the circuit that completes the performance.  Or the experience of the stage, for all involved.  You've got the MATERIAL (play, song, sketch, etc.).  Then you have the PERFORMER.  And finally, the AUDIENCE, which completes the circuit.  And that last part, the AUDIENCE, is crucial.  Even if it's just one person.  It completes the flow of ENERGY.  But sometimes, the audience can be something of a faulty circuit.  Which is what happened on Sunday.  Like I said, I wasn't in The White Room; but I was adjacent.  Perhaps in some antechamber to it.  The Grey Room?  No, The Grey Room came after.  I would describe it thusly: it was like going to a drive-in movie theater during the day.  Empty. Pointless.  A blank screen that you couldn't see the movie on, even if you'd turned on the projector.  In order to see a movie, you need darkness.  So, I went to The Daylight Drive-In.
Here's what happened.
Matt gave a little background info on each section of the show.  When he came to my monologue, he told the audience what show it was from and who wrote it.  But then he described the character as complicated, neurotic and prone to substance abuse/alcoholism.  The audience must've forgotten that Neil Simon is known for comedy.  So, when I started talking, I think the audience assumed my character was an escaped mental patient or something.  There was utter SILENCE.  I started talking and then the SILENCE transmogrified into STONEY SILENCE.  I thought, Uhh-ohh.  I thought: They're not laughing.  They're supposed to be laughing.  How can I make them laugh?  I amped up the fidgetyness.  I started veering into Don Rickles territory.  No, wait.  Make that Rodney Dangerfield:

I started jumping around from place to place within the monologue, trying to find its "funny" parts.  Well, this monologue is from 1970 and one of the big "jokes" in it, is that this actor character was replaced in his show by the understudy, who is Puerto Rican and doesn't speak English.  Ostensibly, the funny part is the part about his not speaking English.  But really, the joke is that he's Puerto Rican; because being from Puerto Rico is funny, right?  Apparently it was in 1970.  I remember when I was a kid, there seemed to be a preponderance of Puerto Rican jokes.  In any event, the Big Laugh Line in this speech was the (let's face it) RACIST joke on Puerto Rico.  And sure enough, it got the laugh.  Am I proud of this?  No.  But I didn't write it.  One of the most successful playwrights of ALL TIME did.  Come to think of it...the giant monologue from Rumors (which, thank God, I didn't have to perform), hinges on jokes around the Spanish language.  I guess our take-a-way here is that Neil Simon thought all things La Espana were hilarious.  So I got the cheap laugh.  But I got it at the cost of something, I feel, because as I said, I left out huge chunks of what I was supposed to say.  It wasn't until afterwards that I realized it.  And that's when I went from the Daylight Drive-In to the The Grey Room.
The Grey Room, I'm realizing now, is where an actor goes (at least, this actor) when they are disappointed in themselves because what they gave the audience was not what they were supposed to have given them; even though the audience has no idea.  The Grey Room is where an actor goes to beat themselves up.  To second guess themselves. To flagellate their ego.  And for me, for getting a laugh at the expense of Puerto Ricans.  The Grey Room is also where regret reigns.  And the awful truth that it can't be fixed.  It happened.  It was a moment in Real Time that came and went.  Has come and gone.  And there's nothing you can do to change it.  My monologue had a lot of "goddamns" in it.  A fellow cast member mentioned that folks around these-a-here parts don't cotton to taking the Big Guy's name-in-vain.  So I said I would just keep God out of it and say "damn."  Maybe I should've kept Puerto Rico out of it instead.  Maybe this was the Big Guy's way of letting me know this.  Why I'm still ruminating about this a week later, when most parties involved have probably completely forgotten ALL of it.  So, I will offer up a prayer and a supplication for forgiveness to Our Lady of Divine Providence and the Virgin of Charity, Puerto Rico's patronesses. And Rita Moreno, who is Puerto Rican (a Sagitarrian) and really should be canonized a Patron Saint of the Stage.

The SNL sketch in which Heidi Gardner "broke" is getting a lot of press.  Apparently, Heidi went straight to The Grey Room after the sketch ended.  But really, she needs to give herself a break.  She may just have ensured that moment will enter some kind of Pantheon that includes Johnny Carson and the hatchet and Carol Burnett and the curtain rod dress.  That was the one where the audience lost it.  I'd say that's some pretty awesome company.

P.S.  I just came into possession of a video of the Smith Mountain Lake Players Rumors by Neil Simon.  I will post it here, once I figure out how, in another "Actor's Diary" blog.
Ciao for now!

CFR   4/21/24

The car drives through the gate.
MARLON
Julia, pull over.
JULIA
Pulling over.  And would you like to hear my recipe for pulled Roti de Porc Poele?
MARLON
Stop talking Julia.
JULIA
Oui!
The car pulls over and Marlon gets out.  He leans into the car.
MARLON
All righty.  You're on your own.  Call me when you get there.
HONORIA
Aye, aye Cap'n!
MARLON
(Under his breath as he turns back to the building) God help Julia...
CUT TO:
INT. CAR -DAY
Honoria looks up from her spread sheet.
HONORIA
Well, what are you waiting for?
JURGIN
I don't speak French.
HONORIA
Well, pick someone else.  
JURGIN
How about David Allan Boucher?
HONORIA
The deejay?
JURGIN
Yeah!  You know him?
HONORIA
I listened to Bedtime Magic all the time when I was at Tufts!  He helped ease my anxiety.  
JURGIN
Mine too!  Computer, talk like Boston area deejay David Allan Boucher!
CAR (In the voice of DAVID ALLAN BOUCHER)
Good evening to you.  I'm...David...Allan...Boucher...and you're listening to Bedtime Magic.  I want to take you on a journey...you just have to say where...
JURGIN
Winooski Falls, Vermont
D.A.B.
Is there an address?
HONORIA
We'll let you know when we get closer.
D.A.B.
Well buckle up and settle in and we'll get there, magically...

Please see Hallmark Movie Part 8 for continuation.

​CFR   4/2/24

Okay, this one is a no-brainer.  Ryan Gosling in a Ken-doll themed sketch.  But first, a few thoughts on the above commercial:
1. I know I can't leave the house until my ruffle is just right.
2. What's going on with all the smooth, reflective, mirror-like surfaces here?  All I can think of is cocaine.  Was this intentional?
3. What's going on with Ken's crotch in that last shot?  Was that intentional?
4. I have that chromium floor lamp and you need to get giant light bulbs for it.  Do they still make them?
5. Did they steal the "Georgy Girl" song?
This sketch could be done as a period piece.  Late 50's perhaps, in Black and White?  Or mid-70's?

FADE IN ON:
INT. LIVING ROOM -DAY
It's Christmas Day.  We're in a charmingly appointed suburban living room in the home of a typical American family on Christmas morning.  There's MOM and DAD and their kids: LITTLE GIRL and LITTLE BOY.  Little Girl is playing with an 11 and a half inch female fashion doll.  Little Boy is playing with an 11 and a half inch male military doll.  Wrapping paper is strewn about as Mom and Dad, in picture perfect Christmas PJs sip coffee and nibble pastries.

LITTLE GIRL
I love my new teen-age fashion model doll that Santa brought me!  She's so pretty!
LITTLE BOY
And I love my military man action figure!  He's so butch!
MOM
(To Dad, not quite convincingly) And I love my new air fryer...
DAD
(To Mom) And I adore my new cuff links!
The CAMERA zooms in on their faces as they try to disguise their disappointment.  A SPOKESMAN steps out from behind the Christmas tree and addresses the camera.
SPOKESMAN
How many times has this happened to you?  Santa's gone and the kids got they wanted; but what about you Mom?  Did you really get what you wanted?  Don't you wish you could find that childlike joy of receiving the toy of your dreams now, as a grownup?  Well, now you can!  With the new six and half foot action figure for Mom: He's "Len" and he's from LeTtam, so you know he's "wham, bam!"  There is a KNOCK at the door.  The Spokesman sits in a chair and observes.
LITTLE BOY
Who are you?
Mom goes to the door and opens it.  A DELIVERY MAN is there with a clipboard.
DELIVERY MAN
Delivery for Mom.  Sign here please.
MOM
What on Earth?
The Delivery Man wheels in a seven foot tall box, wrapped in Christmas paper, tips his hat and leaves.
LITTLE GIRL
What is it Mommy?
MOM
I don't know.  The card says it's from a "friend."
DAD
Well open it honey!
Mom rips the paper off and reveals a large box with a cellophane front panel.  It says LEN in fanciful script and on the other side of the plastic is a six foot, five inch figure of a man.  Strikingly handsome, with a crew-cut, his face is fixed in a demure smile.  He's wearing bathing trunks and a matching beach jacket.  On the side of the box it says: "I talk!"

DAD
It says he talks...
SPOKESMAN
Just pull his string!
Mom is already pulling Len out of his box and looking for his string.  She finds it and pulls the cord.
LEN
Hi.  I'm Len!
EVERYBODY
Hi Len!
Dad pulls the string.
LEN
Why don't you let Mom do that?
DAD
Wait...are his lines pre-recorded?
SPOKESMAN
Sort of.
Mom pulls the cord again.
LEN
Let's go to the big game tonight!
MOM
Okay...
DAD
What "big game"?
LEN
The one with the big balls.
MOM
Bowling balls?
LEN
Sure...
LITTLE GIRL
Mommie, he's so pretty!
MOM
I know.  Right?
SPOKESMAN
Len is fully mechanized and capable of responding to simple commands.  Try it Mom!
MOM
Len, fetch Dad's slippers.
Len doesn't move.
SPOKESMAN
Try it again Mom.
MOM
Len, would you give me a foot rub?
Len sweeps Mom up and carries her up the stairs.
LITTLE BOY
Where is Mommie going?

DAD
(To Spokesman)  Should I go with--
SPOKESMAN
Don't worry Dad; because LeTtam can make your Christmas wishes come true too!  Remember when you were so lonely as a child you created an imaginary friend because you didn't have one.  Or a father?
DAD
Ah, yeah...
SPOKESMAN
Well, now, there's Mr. Guy, just for you!  Bring him in fellahs!
The door opens and the DELIVERY men bring in another massive box, wrapped in Christmas paper and leave.  Dad, confused, looks at his kids.  They shrug.  He looks to the Spokesman who nods his head.  Dad rips the paper off the box and this time, we see see a tall male figure with a crew-cut and beard, wearing a camo hat and military fatigues.
Mr. Guy's box also says, "I Talk!  Pull string!"
SPOKESMAN
Go ahead.  Pull it.  You know you want to.
Dad pulls the string and Mr. Guy says:
MR. GUY
Rooogah!  Wrasslin' works those glutes!
SPOKESMAN
Mr. Guy has lots of outfits, sold separately, like: "It's Quad Day!"
He holds up a camo wrestling singlet and hands it to Dad.
SPOKESMAN
You'll have to help him get into this.
DIZZOLVE TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM -DAY
Dad has pushed the furniture out of the way and is now in his underwear, facing off Mr. Guy (in his singlet) who is crouched opposite him.  The spokesman blows a WHISTLE and Dad and Mr. Guy get to grappling.
SPOKESMAN
With Mr. Guy, you're guaranteed to get a workout!
Little Girl gets up from the floor in front of the TV and tugs on the Spokesman's jacket hem.
LITTLE GIRL
Where's my Mommie?
He looks up at the ceiling and we hear the sound of BOWLING PINS GETTING STRUCK.
SPOKESMAN
(Ignoring Little Girl, to CAMERA as logo comes up) "...if it says LeTtam, you know it's Wham, Bam!"

And scene!

CFR    4/8/24

It's hard to figure out if Ryan Gosling has any chest hair.  He usually appears as smooth as...well, a Ken doll...or a satin sheet.  All the time shaved? Waxed? But there are some pictures of him where it looks kind of hairy on his chest.  But then a lot of images of him in various states of undress appear to be faked.  A/I, Photoshop, cut and paste...
And I bring this up, because this sketch would be funnier (I think) the hairier the actor is.  So it would work well for say, Jake Gyllenhaal.  Or Henry Cavill. Or Tom Selleck.  Not that Tom Selleck would ever do this.  And by this we mean a sketch that features men's underthings.  And it has to be filmed in order to pack in, so to speak, as many ridiculous pairs of mens skivvies as possible in the "underwear montage."  Fake chest hair on Ryan could be quite amusing.  Or on his butt cheeks. So, on with the show...

​FADE UP
INT. SHOPPING MALL -DAY
A male/female COUPLE are strolling through the mall, nibbling giant pretzels and sipping Orange Julius.'  They are attractive.  They smile as they enjoy their treats and people watch.  They hold hands and canoodle.  The woman is named BRENDA and the man is GARY.  They are in their late 20s/30's or maybe even older.  Shocking!  The man's eyes grow wide, as though he's remembered something.
GARY
Oh, honey.  I've got to get some new underwear; especially since I'm doing that Zoom meeting.
BRENDA
But they won't be on camera, will they?
GARY
Well, no...but I'll just feel better.
BRENDA
Oh. Oh okay.
GARY
Look, honey.  That store is having an underwear sale!
BRENDA
Wow!  That's convenient!
CLOSE on the sign of a mall store.  It reads MALE POWER BY FLOYD.  In the window are a couple of mannequins in pajamas and bathrobes and a sign on an easel that reads: BOGO: MENS UNDERTHINGS HALF OFF!  They look in the window.
BRENDA
"Underthings."  I don't think I've ever heard that term.
GARY
What do you mean?
BRENDA
Well, you know.  Applied to mens underwear.
GARY
Oh.  I like that bathrobe.
They enter the store.

The door CHIMES and an older gentleman comes out from the back, carrying an underwear display figure.  He is being played by DAN AYCKROYD as FLOYD HUNGER, ESQ.
FLOYD
Afternoon folks.  Welcome to Male Power by Floyd.  I'm Floyd Hunger, doncha know.  Can I help you find anything?
GARY
I need some new underwear.
FLOYD
Well, you came to the right place!  Because I don't have any old underwear.  Just the latest and the greatest.  Well, actually I do have some old underwear.  You'd be surprised how many fellahs want to wear their new purchases out.
So what size are you?
GARY
Brenda honey, I can never remember....
BRENDA
He's a 34 inch waist, but his rear end is a bit on the flat side.
GARY
What?  My rear end isn't flat!
BRENDA
Now Gary--
FLOYD
(Eyeing Gary's butt)  I'm afraid the little lady's right; but not to worry.  I can fix that!
GARY
You can?
FLOYD
I've been doing this for nearly fifty years.  What brand do you usually wear?
GARY 
Munsingwear.

FLOYD
Munsingwear...hmmm...well, now; there's nothing to look down your nose at there.  They make a good baseline foundation for the manly business; but it's not going to do a thing to regrade your backroad, my friend.  But have no fear, because I'm going to introduce you to my exclusive, proprietary line of Male Power by Floyd "Mantees" and that trademark is patent pending.
GARY
But--
FLOYD
No buts about it! (LAUGHS)
BRENDA
Gary, you need this.  I need this...
FLOYD
Gary, I'm asking you to put yourself in my hands. (He holds out his upturned palms).
GARY
Sure.  What have I got to lose?
FLOYD
No ass; that's what you've got to lose!  And one of the best ways to create the illusion of having an ass is to work with what you've got.  So let's get crackin'. (He pushes Gary into a dressing room).  Brenda, go lock the door.  Now Gary, I need to see what we're working with.  I need to see your crack.  (He holds up a pair of underwear).  Please strip and put these on.
We see the WAVY LINES of a TIME LAPSE, then Gary pops his head over the door of the dressing room.
GARY
Ready?
FLOYD
Yep.  Come on out.
Gary steps out of the dressing room and Floyd guides him to a three-way mirror.  He's wearing a pair of these:

GARY
What do you think?
BRENDA
Do you have them on the right way?
Gary looks to Floyd, who nods his head.
FLOYD
Now, you see how exposing the IGC line creates the illusion of a fuller derriere?
GARY
I think so...
BRENDA
What's an 'ICG line'?
FLOYD
Inter-Gluteal-Cleft, line-- Now, you achieve this effect with the simple line exposure.  Imagine what some further enhancing can do.  Not to mention guiding of the eye and trompe-l'oeil; because I think you're going to need a little help on the windward side.
GARY
I'm a grower, not a shower.
BRENDA
That's very true.
FLOYD
Well, I've got one word for you Gary...
GARY
What's that?
FLOYD
Lace.
GARY
I didn't come here to play, Floyd.  I came here to win.  So let's go BIG or go home.
Brenda claps her hands excitedly as we FADE into the MONTAGE.  Playing over this will be "Voulez-vous" by ABBA, as we see Gary come out and model some of the following "underthings":

As Gary models, we see CLOSE-UPs of Floyd and Brenda either shaking or nodding their heads.  But mostly enthusiastic nodding!
CUT TO:
INT. STORE -DAY
Gary is paying as Floyd pushes a large stack of elaborately packaged and bagged underthings across the counter.
GARY
With the bogo and everything, it came to just under fifteen hundred dollars!
BRENDA
What?
FLOYD
You heard him.
BRENDA
Well, you get what you pay for; and if we just paid for new found confidence in the bathing suit area, then it's totally worth it!
FLOYD
You know it!  (He holds up Gary's old underwear)  And I'll hang on to these!  (He tosses them in a cardboard box along with other old underwear). Do you feel empowered now Gary?
GARY
I feel Male Powered: by Floyd!
They all LAUGH.  Floyd moves to the door and unlocks it and lets them out.  He watches through the glass as they head back down the mall.  Gary, his nether-regions blurred, in a pair of his new sheer lace leggings.  And his butt really does look bigger.
FLOYD
My work here is done.
​FADE OUT

CFR    4/7/24

Okay kids, let's get crackin'!

Well, Jane Pauley is still with us...
But, in any event:
It's time for our Big Event!

I had no idea Brian Keith got so undraped in this movie.  Now that's a Big Event!  WOOF!  But I digress...
And you kids have no idea who I'm talking about.  But let's shake that off, as Taylor Swiffer would say (see, I can relate).
Come on fellow WRITERS, FREE-LANCERS, UNPAID INTERNS and UNPAID AND UN-COLLEGE-CREDITED INTERNS (that would be MOI!)  It's time to get to work on some fabulous new sketches for our LATE NIGHT COMEDY SHOW!
Now, on a more serious note:
As Mr. Ryan (WOOF!) Gosling is going to be hosting soon, we need to write a Super-Duper sketch for him.  And I have numerous ideas for that, including a Ken doll joint, natch and some other stuff.  However: let's put that on the back-burner for now.  And let's talk Carol...
CAROL BURNETT.  I mean, she's already stealing her latest project and she's playing a woman in a coma!

Who do you have to do oral on around here to get Carol Burnett into Studio 8-H?

So, when Carol hosts, here's what I would do, if I produced our LONG RUNNING LATE-NIGHT COMEDY SKETCH SHOW.
I would recreate a sketch from Back In the Day.  And not just back in the day.  I'm talking Back In the Century.  As in the last Century.  I'm talking about none other than the OP sketch.  Or is it the OG sketch?  I'm talking about the legendary Wolverines sketch.  And since the transcript and video are readily available online, let's recreate it here.  Let's set it up.
Originally, it was Michael O'Donoghue and John Belushi (oh, and Chevy Chase).  It was titled: Wolverines.  So, I would do it with Carol as the "European Immigrant" (wearing her famous "Cleaning Woman" costume) and as the "Professor" character, we'd need to go with a woman and, I think, the weirdest woman on the show and I think that would have to be Sarah Sherman.  Oh, and we could bring Chevy Chase back to reprise his role as the "Stage Manager."  Let's all watch the clip, shall we?

Now, of course, as Carol is 90 years old, we'd make whatever accomodations neccessary; although I'm sure, trouper that she is she wouldn't ask.  Like, I wouldn't have her on stairs or throwing herself on the floor.  How about she and Sarah are seated in recliners (and I think they make wingback recliners)?

Or maybe they could just slump to the side.  But that's what I would do.  Oh, and then again...maybe not Chevy.  I mean, isn't he actually banned from the show?  How is that even possible?  What did he do?  Get in a fight with Bill Murray?  Oh wait, he did say those horrible things about the gay guy on the show.  AIDS jokes have got to be the bottom of somebodies (somebody's?) barrel.  Whatever the case, Chevy is just way too high maintenance.  So, let's go with Steve Martin.  A reunion of sorts.  And here's Carol with Steve from waaaaaaaaaaaay back in the day.  Does it hold up?  Let's check it out and then I'll be back with those super-duper Gosling sketches.
​Ciao kids!

CFR   4/5/24