!​EXT. TALK SHOW SET-AMAZON JUNGLE -NIGHT
We see a somewhat "Gilligan's Island" type talk show set in what appears to be a deep jungle in the Amazon river basin.
Seated in the middle is America's favorite(?) talk show(?) host(?), Mr. Andy Cohen, that sardonic, silver-haired scamp (come on, you know you want to do him!).  Flanking Andy, to his right and left, is a group of svelte women in sparkly heels and gowns cut to there and slit up to here.  You know they dropped a bundle on these dresses; but somehow they're still tacky.  Their spangles and such glitter in the torch light.  The CAMERA ZOOMS IN on Andy, who smiles as he waves his little blue note cards to fend off the really big bugs flying around.
ANDY
Hello and welcome to Watch What Happens Live-the 90 day Roundup of the Naked and Afraid Real Housewives of Wherever!  I'm your host and moderator, Andy Cohen; and even I don't know what it is I do and why I do it and why people watch me do it--whatever "it" is!  I mean, am I a talk show host?  A TV personality?  A male "madam?"  Who knows!  So, let's meet our fabulous guests, six of the "real housewives" from some of our various and sundry franchises.  First, we have Maria Abbondanza from The Real Housewives of Whackoff, New Jersey! 

The CAMERA cuts to one of the women.  She has raven black hair and breasts so large her gown should be paid overtime to deal with them.
MARIA
(LAUGHING) It's "Wyckoff," sweetie; but you knew that!
ANDY
(Coquettishly) Maybe...and from "RHO," Tucumcari we have Shoshanna Silvers, Hi Shoshanna!
SHOSHANNA
Yippy-kay-ay darlin'!
ANDY
Since we don't have all day, I'll just power through these ladies: from Oklahoma City, Cheyenne Shanks (the ladies wave at the camera as it PANS past them) From Billings, Montana; Albertina Hightower; from Omaha, Nebraska: Sheila Mountbatten; and finally from good old Beantown Massachusetts, Pat O'Flanagan-Flanagan.  Welcome ladies!
LADIES
Hi Andy!
ANDY
Okay, I'm gonna start with you Pat; but first, could you explain your last name to me?
PAT
(Wicked strong Boston accent) Sure!  Well, my maiden name is "O'Flanagan" and I married a fellah named "Flanagan." Since I didn't want to buy into archaic nuptial stereotypes, I decided to go with a hyphenate.  I daresay it's empowering, Andy.
ANDY
I dare you!  
PAT
I beg your pardon?
ANDY
Didn't you go to Bryn Mawr? 
PAT
No.  I didn't matriculate at Bryn Marrrrrah; I majored in Ahht at Vasssahh.
ANDY
I'm just gonna throw this one out there for anyone.  So...how did it feel to be naked for ninety days straight in the Amazolian jungle?
CHEYENNE
Well, I'll be honest Andy.  I thought it was a lot of three-toed sloth shit!  Oh, can I say that on TV?
ANDY
It's basic cable, so, sure.  What do you mean by that Cheyenne?
CHEYENNE
It sucked.  It was hot, sweaty, rashy, muddy, prickly, buggy and muggy.  And it smelled like rotten cabbage most to the time.
ANDY
I see.  Shoshanna, how did it feel to have no clothes on for ninety days?  Was it freeing?
SHOSHANNA
Well, since I didn't have to buy any clothes, it was definitely "free."
ANDY
Well, a little birdy told me that you brought some clothes, even though you weren't supposed to.
SHOSHANNA
What?  That's not true!
ANDY
Let's look at the video...
We cut to VIDEO taken in the jungle.  We see Shoshanna, naked but digitally BLURRED in her bathing suit areas.  She is standing on a ramshackle wooden dock, sticking out into the Amazon river.  She is attempting to flag down a small aircraft by waving her arms wildly.  The plane flies over with a LOUD BLARE of engines and we see cargo dropping down, attached to parachutes.   The camera SWINGS and ZOOMS on the items: expensive designer suitcases and trunks, which hit the water.
SHOSHANNA
​Oh shit!  Not my Gucci!  Not my Louis!
She jumps into the water to retrieve the luggage.  We see an a massive python swimming towards her.
SHOSHANNA
Oh hell no!
She starts struggling with the python.
SHOSHANNA
Not on my watch, serpent!
SMASH CUT TO:
The dock.  Shoshanna, her luggage stacked and the snake now dead at her feet as she opens a suitcase and pulls out a fur coat.
CUT TO:
EXT. TALK SET -NIGHT
SHOSHANNA
Had that little bitch skinned!
She stands and drops her peignoir revealing a snakeskin catsuit.  Everyone APPLAUDS, except Albertina.
ANDY
I notice you're not clapping Albertina.  Did you have...issues...with Shoshanna?

ALBERTINA
We all had issues with her.
SHOSHANNA
For example?
CHEYENNE
Maybe we need to talk about the typhoon...
PAT
It was a "monsoon," Cheyenne.
CHEYENNE
It was a (BLEEPing) sharknado; but with cougars!
ANDY
Oh, you mean the other ladies?
CHEYENNE
No, I mean actual cougars! And panthers. And leopards!
SHOSHANA
(Retrieving leopard coat from behind chair)
I had those bitches skinned!
She puts on the coat and the other ladies APPLAUD.
SHEILA
That witch wouldn't let us use her luggage for shelter!
ANDY
Really?  Well, that doesn't sound very neighborly.  Let's check the video...
CUT TO:
VIDEO footage of several of the ladies, attempting to build a hut out of designer luggage in a hurricane.  Shoshanna comes out of the woods with a bag of coconuts and drops them.
SHOSHANNA
Oh hell no!  You bitches make due with those palm fronds!  Not my my Gucci!  Hot my Hermeez!
She storms the encampment and starts disassembling the shelter.
MARIA
(As her coiff is violently buffeted) My hair!  My hair!
There is pandemonium as the women scurry around, trying to catch clothes which are flying through the air.
CUT TO:
Talk show set.
​SHOSHANNA
​Well, it all got sucked up into that whirlwind anyways, so what difference does it make?  (To Andy) By the way, your show owes me a hundred grand.
ANDY
You signed a waiver.  So, Sheila; tell me about the clams.
MARIA
​Are you talking about when Cheyenne and Shoshanna shacked up and shucked--
ANDY
Let me just stop you right there Maria. (Directly to CAMERA) Disclaimer: since our writer is not a woman and does not identify as such in any form of the pronoun and is not female same sex attracted, he cannot write about said subject matter or use the words, "BLEEP," "BEEP," "BLOOP," "BUZZ," "DEFLATING TRUMPET," or "chocolate lady starfish," et. al.  Now, that being said, tell me what happened with Cheyenne and Shoshanna and Caroline and the coconut shoes and the homemade Botox!  Pat, why don't you take this one?
PAT
Okay.  I'm gonna need a ciggie for this. (Lights cigarette) So, where to staaaht?

PAT
Well, one day we were walking past some vines, and I recognized them as curare.
ANDY
How did you happen to know that?
PAT
Well, I minored in botany at Vassah.  So I happened to mention that curare was what the locals made the poison for their blow-guns from and that it caused paralysis and Caroline was desperate for a brow treatment, and got the idea that we could make some Botox out of it.  So she went to the witch-doctor--
ANDY
I'm just gonna stop you right there Pat. (Turns to CAMERA) Disclaimer: Our writer is not an indigenous person of the Amazolian jungle and/or any of its tributaries.  Therefore, he can not write about the locals, their customs or use antiquated references to their behaviors or beliefs.  (Turns back to Pat)  Okay, so you took Caroline to the local doctor and they zhoozed her eleven, and so forth?
MARIA
They shrunk her freakin' head!  That's why she's not here!
ANDY
Let's check the video!
CUT TO:
Albertina and Maria and Pat are sitting on a log outside a grass hut.
ALBERTINA
(To Maria)  Who did your girls Maria?  They are spectacular and they are really holding up well in this humidity!
MARIA
Thanks hon.  He's in Poughkeepsie.  Dr. Howard Fine. (Looking down) You know, being in Brazil, you'd think it would be fairly easy to get a Brazilian...
ALBERTINA
Brazilian?  That looks more like outer Mongolia!
MARIA
​Oh my God--
The CAMERA PANS to the hut, where Caroline is being escorted out.  Her head is the size of a baseball.
CAROLINE
They didn't have a mirror.  How do I look?
MARIA
Oh honey...I think we need a second opinion...

​CUT TO:
Talk show set.
ANDY
Well guess what?  We have a satellite link to the Poughkeepsie Clinic for Advanced Head Trauma.  Caroline, are you there?
We cut to fuzzy VIDEO from a hospital room.  Caroline is in a bed, her head, now the size of a medicine ball, wrapped in bandages.
CAROLINE
Hi Andy.  Hi girls! Yes, I'm here.
ANDY
How's it going?  How are you?
CAROLINE
Well, I have a bit of a headache; but other than that, they assure me the swelling will go down--sooner or later.
ANDY
We're sorry you couldn't be here.  Does your face hurt?
CAROLINE
Not really.
ANDY
Well, it's killing me!  Just kidding.  So, what happened?
CAROLINE
Well, they had to flatten my head with a hydraulic press and then fill it with compressed Xenon gas, which we're now waiting to dissipate; and as it does, my head should deflate to it's normal size.
ANDY
Fantastic!  Well, good luck with that! Ciao!
CAROLINE
Bye everyone!  Oh, thanks for the stinking corpse lily!
EVERYONE
Bye! Ciao! Arrivederci! MWAH, etc.
Suddenly, there is a commotion in the water.  A silver haired man, naked, pulls himself up onto the dock.
ANDY
Anderson?
ANDERSON COOPER begins removing piranha fish from his naked person.  He throws the fish back into the water and then stands, his "bathing suit area" blurred.
ANDERSON
Hi! Sorry I'm late.
ANDY
Well this is a surprise!  Where are your clothes?
ANDERSON
I thought it was "clothing optional"; I mean, this is Naked and Afraid, isn't it?
ANDY
Well, yeah; but this is the reunion show--
ANDERSON
Well then, I'm afraid I'm naked!
MARIA
Who's complaining, Moby Dick?

PAT
He does ratha have the complexion of Melville's luminescent sperm whale.
CHEYENNE
Honey, you better stop talkin' like that.  You're makin' me horny!
ANDY
(To Cheyenne) But I thought you were into (BLEEP) diving now...
CHEYENNE
Oh baby, it's been ninety days since I've had some...some...
PAT
Physeter macrocephalus.
CHEYENNE
Big ole' (BLEEP) and (BOOP)!
She starts chasing Anderson around the set.
ANDY
Sheila, you've been awfully quiet.  What do you think?
SHEILA
I think I can't feel my face...
ANDY
Have you been drinking that cocktail that's fermented with human saliva again?
ANDERSON
Chicha!  Where can I get some?
ANDY
There's a punch-bowl in the green room.  And you're gonna need it Cooper, after these thirsty queens get through with you!
The other ladies are now chasing after Anderson too, as they tear their clothes off.
MARIA
Is anybody hungry? (She pulls out a crock pot). I made some piranha parmesana!
ANDY
I'll pass.  And we'll be right back after this message from Xiaflex. (Andy holds up a large, curved pacay fruit). Is your (BLEEP) out of joint?  You might have Pepperoni's syndrome.  Ask you doctor is Xiaflex is right for you!
The ladies continue to chase Anderson, who finally dives back into the water.  The ladies follow.
ANDY
He's not into (BLEEP)!  If you don't have a (BLOOP) he's not interested! 
An extremely large bug lands on Andy's forehead.  He slaps himself in the face with his blue cards.
ANDY
(To someone off-stage) Would it kill you find a freakin' can of Raid somewhere?
The camera PANS to the water.  There is pandemonium as the water roils with what we can assume is a school of piranha fish.
ANDY
Oh, that's not good...
MARIA
(Referring to food she's eating) Eh, I've had better...
FADE OUT
END

CFR  11/30/23

So, as promised, here is the final portion of PAGES, the sitcom pilot, which has been retitled "PAGED."  I toyed with the idea of PAGED with an exclamation point; but that's a wee bit corny, me thinks.  

​CUT TO:
INT. COOPER AND AL’S APARTMENT -EVENING
Many days later. Cooper comes through the door, dressed like an English tennis player from the twenties (his “LaCrosse” by Reg Laurie uniform).  He removes a nametag and drops it into a dish on the table. He picks up the mail; looks at it.
COOPER
My future could be just a phone call away, at the Glendale Electronics Institute!
He wanders into the kitchen where Al is cooking.
 AL
Hey.
 COOPER
What ‘cha making?
AL
Bandera.  I’ve got enough here for a potluck.  Want some?
 COOPER
I’d love some.
AL
There’s a message for you on the machine. Oh!  I finished the necktie scene!
COOPER
That’s nice.
He heads to the phone which is on a table near the door.  Next to the phone is a decidedly old school answering machine.
COOPER
Tell me again why you have this?
AL
Listen; don’t start ragging on me about that.  How many people came and asked to use our phone during the last earthquake?
COOPER
Yeah; but an answering machine that uses cassettes? And micro-cassettes to boot…I mean, don’t get me wrong; I’m totally old-school; but--
AL
(Singing) When the world is running down, you make the best of what’s still around...
COOPER
Okay, Sting.
AL
And anyway; why did you give them that number?
COOPER
I didn’t want to miss any calls.
AL
Uhh-huh.
There is a bright, flashing red “2” on the display. Cooper presses the button. The MACHINE’S ROBOTIC VOICE says: “You have two messages.” Cooper hits play and we hear a loud BEEP, then Babette DaSilva’s VOICE.
 BABETTE
(V/O) This is a message for Mr. Reilly. I’m calling from Penultimate Studios Guests Liasons office on behalf of Mr. Thomas Per—WHAT?  Hold on…wait a sec, I’ll connect you—(The message cuts off and we hear the sound of a DIAL TONE).
There is a second BEEP from the machine and another message.
TOMAS PEREDO
(V/O) Hello Mr. Reilly.  Hope this is the right number. Anyhow, against my common sense, I want to offer you a job as a page here at Penultimate. I’m actually sitting here with a plate of the best fried okra chips I’ve ever eaten and it’s absolutely blowing my mind.  They go really great with a double margarita.  Who knew?  So, congratulations?  Call my secretary back and she’ll give you the 911. Oh, I mean the 411 (LAUGHS). No, maybe I do mean the 911. Ciao.
A CLICK.  Cooper turns to find Al over his shoulder.
AL
You got it!
COOPER
I got it!
AL
They called me last week about that reference--
COOPER
Why didn’t you tell me?
AL
I--
Cooper throws his arms around Al and they jump up and down in delight.  This goes on for a few moments.  They break the embrace.  A pause.  Cooper searches Al’s face. Al smiles. Their faces move closer to each other.  Wait, is there a mutual attraction here?  Are there sparks?  Al shakes his head, clears his throat and takes a step back.
AL
Congratulations buddy!  Let’s eat.  I’m starving.
COOPER
Yeah, I’ll set the table.
He turns back to the answering machine and hits the PLAY button again.  He glances back at Al, who’s gone back to the stove.  Al turns and they exchange awkward smiles.  Did they almost just kiss?
OUT
TAG
Cooper is standing in front of Babette who comes around her desk and thrusts a bale of papers into his arms.
BABETTE
You need to sign those…
COOPER
Okay.
He starts towards the door.
BABETTE
Hold on.  You need to read this.  And you’ve gotta study all this; there will be a test.  And then all of this legal gobbledygook. Oh, and this medical balderdash…
She loads his arms with notebooks and papers and three ring binders and manuals and so on and so forth and escorts him to the door.
BABETTE
We’ll see you on Monday morning, eight o’clock sharp!
COOPER
Okay!
She pushes him through the door. We hear the sound of someone FALLING DOWN STAIRS followed by a WHIMPER.
 
BABETTE
(As she sits at her desk) That first step is a doozy…
END
CLOSING CREDITS OVER PRETENDERS "HOLLYWOOD PERFUME."
I went out on the balcony with your photograph
I dropped it in the pool and that made me laugh
You like your tan but you don't like to swim
Meanwhile I feel like I'm drowning in
Neon sex and doom
The night jasmine bloom
Of your Hollywood perfume
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Chrissie Hynde / Tom Kelly / William E Steinberg
Hollywood Perfume lyrics © Regard Music, Words & Music A Div Of Big Deal Music LLC​
USED WITHOUT PERMISSION

So, there we go!  Hope you enjoy.  And as is my wont, I've registered it with the WGAW.  I was also going to register it with the U.S. Copyright office, but they want $45 bucks; which seems a bit pricey to me.  But I probably will.  And I'm already working on a follow up episode, where we will meet even more hilarious characters.  And once I get it all tidied up, I'll reprint the script in it's proper format.  So, continue to...

CFR  11/23/23

So, I do not have Paramount Plus.  I do have Hulu; but Hulu does not carry the Frasier redux that premiered last Thursday on streaming platforms (or whatever they're calling it now).  Maybe Hulu does carry Frasier...I'm not sure.  But, CBS aired the first two episodes of the new show last night and I watched.  So, you've probably read my previous blog about the Frasier reboot.  In any case, here's what went down in the Universe on Tuesday.
I was working on my sitcom pilot, Pages.  In it, our lead character, Cooper Reilly, is on his way to a job interview to be a page at "Penultimate Pictures Studios."  He's wandering around the massive lot, lost.  But it doesn't keep him from doing a little sight-seeing.  As he's gawking at an Oscar (TM/Reg./Pat. Pend.) in a display case, an actor dressed as his character from the sci-fi TV show, Planetary Pursuit, comes up behind him.  So, I'm thinking, what funny name could we give this character?  I start babbling nonsense words.  I think, in comedy, there are certain words that are just funny.  Usually, they are common words that perhaps, refer to, in many cases, bodily functions.  For example: belch.  Or burp. Or maybe just urp.  Or fart.  Like, saying "fart" is funny; as opposed to saying "passing gas"; which is more just mildly amusing.  Often these words have very guttural sounds.  Lots of "U"s.  And in many cases accompanying clashing consonants with hard "K" sounds.  "Ca-ca" a word we learn very early in life.  And it's almost always humorous.  So, the word "yak" comes out of my mouth.  Yak!  Meets all the criteria.  "Yak," in all it's forms, is comedic.  Even the animal, which is actually quite regal and handsome, has been rendered comical by its' very name.  So then I riff on "yak" and come up with the name "Yaakvaar" for the alien character.  And then I pictured a yak-headed man in a Star Trek uniform and there he was.  And then I threw in some (always) hilarious alliteration: Yeoman Yaakvaar from the planet Vraak.

The above image is very much what I pictured, except he'd have a mop of yak hair bangs in his eyes.  The above image was created by AI; not at my request.  Some STNG fan generated it on some site.  I do not condone AI.  Arts and Letters should be created by humans, not computers; and not humans relying on computers to create content. So there.
Anyways, that night, as I'm watching Frasier on CBS for the first time, there was a bit about...get this...and I'm not making this up...YAKS.  Yes.  Yaks.  And not just once.  The joke got a call-back later in the show.  You see, Frasier was attempting to tempt his estranged son into living with him.  One of his lures was luxury bedding made of yak fur that was so soft, Sherpas(?) were known to fall asleep on it and slide off their yaks.  
I mean, come on.  What are the odds.  This is not mere coincidence.  This is not synchronicity.  This is flat out prognostication.  You, see this is what I think is going on.  My husband is a Pisces.  Apparently Pisces are known for their penchant for prescience.  Portents.  Foreknowledge.  Call it what you will.  The Shining, maybe?  Well, he definitely has it; and I think, after some twenty odd years, it's rubbed off on me a bit.  I'll just leave it at that.  Either that or we really are living in a Matrix and the system hiccupped on Tuesday night.  Or maybe the writers at Frasier knew that "yak" was simply a funny word.
But do you know what I had for dinner on Tuesday night?
TOSSED SALAD AND SCRAMBLED EGGS AND BOSTON BAKED BEANS!!!
Just kidding.  Although, apparently scrambled eggs and beans seems to be a thing.

Ciao babies!

CFR  10/19/23

ACT 2

EXT. THE LODGE BAR -DAY
We see the facade of the bar as Jennifer and Joe look around and go through the front door.
CUT TO:
INT. THE LODGE BAR -DAY
The front door opens and the daylight pierces the gloomy space like a 10,000 watt search-light.  The PATRONS, various older gentlemen clustered at one end of the bar, GROAN and shield their eyes.  The door stands open as Jennifer and Joe poke their heads in.

Note: When I worked at this establishment in the early 90's, it was a gay bar.  More than a little on the seedy side.  It is now called "Skinny's Lounge" and it has apparently gotten a hipster upgrade at some point (when I worked there, they were going for a sort of ski lodge vibe).  As Pages is set currently; we shall return to the "Skinny's" moniker.  Cooper works the Sunday morning shift, where the last of the place's gay clientele congregates.

CUSTOMER #1 (MILLIE)
Shut the goddamn door!
Joe pushes Jennifer inside and the door swings closed.
CUSTOMER #2 (DENNY)
(To Jennifer) Whadda you want, honey?
JENNIFER
We're looking for Cooper Reilly, the bartender.
MILLIE
He's probably in the john, working the glory-hole! (CACKLES).
COOPER
(Popping up from below the bar with liquor bottles)  Millie, be nice.  These are my friends--
DENNY
You have friends?
COOPER
(To Jennifer and Joe as they take stools at the bar)
My own personal Statler and Waldorf.  Just ignore them, they're harmless.
JOE
Are they, like, gay?
COOPER
If you mean "happy," then no.  But if you mean gay as in faded, jaded queens of yore,  you'd be right.
MILLIE
We heard that!
JENNIFER
That was kind of mean.
COOPER
They love it.  Bitchy insults is how they show love.
JOE
Is it their "love language"?
JENNIFER
I hate that expression.  I hate buzz words.
COOPER
Isn't "buzz word" a buzz word?
JENNIFER
Oh!  The one I really hate is "virtue signaling"!  Isn't using the term "virtue signaling," virtue signaling?
JOE
Is this a gay bar?  Not that there's anything wrong with that...
COOPER
Only on Sunday mornings.  What are you drinking?
JOE
I'll have--
COOPER
Oh, wait!  I've invented a new cocktail game, wanna play?
JOE/JENNIFER
(Together) Sure!
COOPER
Okay, name a celebrity...any celebrity.
JOE
Jerry Seinfeld.
COOPER
Okay.  I'm going to "on the spot" make a cocktail based on him.  Let me think...
JENNIFER
I love that show!  The writing is so amazing.  And It has such a high rewatchability quotient.
JOE
I know, right?  And the show is literally about nothing.  Can you believe that; NOTHING!  Who'da thought "nothing" would stand the test of time!??!
COOPER
Samuel Beckett, n'est ce-pas?
MILLIE
Here she goes with the French...
COOPER 
I've got it!
He starts grabbing bottles from the shelves.
SMASH CUT TO:
CLOSE on the bar top.  Cooper slides two purplish drinks in martini glasses towards Joe and Jennifer.
COOPER
I give you the "Jerry Seinfeld," on the house!
Jennifer and Joe sip the drinks.  A panoply of expressions play across their faces.
COOPER
Whadda ya think?
JOE
Well, I'm glad I don't have to pay for it.
JENNIFER
Now, wait a second...(she takes another sip)  It sort of grows on you.  It's very tart; but also kind of sweet.
JOE
What's in it?
COOPER
Well, it's ice cold top-shelf vodka; because he's very no nonsense.  And a few jiggers of Manischewitz blackberry wine; because his comedy can be pretty dark and obviously Borscht Belt.  A dash of Chambord because he can be sweet when he wants; a twist of lemon; and a drizzle of mango liqueur because--
JENNIFER AND JOE
Season five, episode 1!

Who invited you Marty?

JOE
So, Cooper; how many gigs do you have, anyways?
COOPER
Well, there's this on the weekends.  And the temp gig.  And then I'm on call for the catering company. Also, the LaCrosse Store on Rodeo Drive; and hopefully after tomorrow; a page at Penultimate Studios!
JENNIFER
You got an interview?
COOPER
Yes!  Apparently getting the interview is somehow harder than getting the job.  But I would never have known about it if not for you Jen. So,  let's all raise a glass to new beginnings...
He puts shot glasses in front of everyone and fills them with the remainder of the "Jerry Seinfeld" in the shaker.  They all raise their glasses.
MILLIE
Cheers to Queers!
ALL
Here, here!
They drink.  Faces register everything from delight, to indifference to disgust.
MILLIE
What the hell was that?
COOPER
Jerry Seinfeld!
MILLIE
More like Geri-tol...
DENNY
You oughta know queen.
They start squabbling.
JENNIFER
Do you want to job interview role-play?
COOPER
Sure.
JOE
Where do you see yourself in ten years?
COOPER
Accepting the Oscar and finally joining the EGOT club and launching my latest celebrity fragrance: "Waft."
JOE
You might want to dial that back a little.
COOPER 
(Singing) This little light of mine; I'm gonna let it shine.  Nulli secundis!
MILLIE
Here she goes with the Greek.
COOPER
It's Latin, bitch.
MILLIE
Latin, schmatin.
JENNIFER
(Whispering, to Cooper) What's a glory hole?
Cooper looks at the ceiling as we...
CUT TO:

EXT. MELROSE AVENUE, HOLLYWOOD -DAY
Cooper is driving his Tercel down the avenue, past the blocks long wall of Penultimate Pictures Studios.  He turns into the drive and through the massive gate with its black, wrought-iron ornamentation.  The CAMERA TILTS UP and ZOOMS in on the studio logo: Apollo, holding aloft his lyre.  He is flanked by two of his muses, Thalia (holding a comedy mask) and Melpomene (holding a drama mask).  A scroll below reads: Nulli Secundis, which is Latin for "Second to None."  Cooper drives up to a security booth.  A SECURITY GUARD leans out of the door of the booth.
SECURITY GUARD
What can I do for you?
COOPER
I have an interview with a Mr. Thomas Peredo of Guest Liaisons.
SECURITY GUARD
Name?
COOPER
Cooper Reilly.
The guard checks a clipboard. He nods and retrieves a map of the lot.  He circles a spot in red and hands it to Cooper.
SECURITY GUARD
You want the Swanson building.  You can park in lot B which is the next right.
COOPER
​Thanks!
SECURITY GUARD
Good luck; and tell Mr. Peredo he still owes Curtis twenty bucks.
The guard CHUCKLES.  Cooper doesn't quite know how to respond.  The barrier gate raises.  Cooper shifts into reverse by mistake.  The gate lowers.  Cooper lurches forward, almost hitting the gate arm.  It raises again and Cooper backs up.  This bit goes on until traffic behind him starts HONKING.
SECURITY GUARD
First day with a stick?
COOPER
I'm wicked nervous...
SECURITY GUARD
Just take a deep breath.  You got this...
Cooper does so and finally makes it through.  The guard shakes his head, LAUGHING under his breath.
SECURITY GUARD
Tyros...

​CUT TO:
EXT. PENULTIMATE LOT -DAY
Cooper is wandering around, looking at the lot map, trying to figure out where he is. A MONTAGE!
​Cooper looking up at the water-tower that has the penultimate logo on it.
Cooper looking at a display case outside the commissary that houses several Oscars (TM/Reg./Pat.Pend.). 
COOPER
Wow...Lola Cogliano's Best Supporting Actress for Cherubs With Dirty Feet!
A LUMBERING FIGURE looms up behind, casting Cooper in shadow. He turns to see a character from Planetary Pursuit, an alien of some kind in a skin-tight jumpsuit: YEOMAN YAAKVAAR.  He does look rather like a Human/Yak hybrid.  He is from the planet "Vraak."
YAAKVAAR
I love that movie!
Cooper is speechless as he watches Yaakvaar open the commissary door for a similarly dressed actress.  He looks at his map again...
Cooper on the New York City back-lot.
Cooper wandering through a prop warehouse, past Greek Ruins, a Sphinx, a funhouse clown, etc.  He looks at his watch as a WORKER shouts down at him from a catwalk.
WORKER
(Coming down ladder) Hey, you're not supposed to be in here!
COOPER
I'm sorry, but I'm totally lost...and late.
WORKER
Where are you headed?
COOPER
I'm trying to find the Swanson building.
WORKER
Oh, actually, it's at the end of this block.  Just go out through those doors and take a left.  It's the last one.
COOPER
Thanks.
An earsplitting GRINDING NOISE comes from somewhere.  Cooper covers his ears.  The prop man points to a sign that reads "Hardhat Area," tips his own, points to his ear mufflers and disappears back up the ladder.
CUT TO:
Cooper is now in an office setting.  He is sitting in a chair in a small waiting area.  He looks up at a stylized version of the studio logo on the opposite wall as he tries to regain the hearing in his ears.

"INSPIRATION" ALERT:
So, I'm going to "borrow" a character from Pop Culture.  She's not on the level of say, Austin Powers or The Coneheads or Marge Simpson or It's Pat; but she does come up on a web-search.  I'm talking about none other than Ms. Debette Goldry, octogenarian actress brought to life by the hilarious Kate McKinnon.  I mean, of course, I can't just steal--err--borrow the character (unless, of course, I get Ms. McKinnon's sign-off); but I can do the next best thing.  Imitate to the point of incredulity.  You run into people like Debette in Hollywood all the time.  More often, people who never had success there; but still cling to the dream.  It's a thing.  So, that's what got me to thinking about Debette.  So, in Pages, we're going to meet Debette's identical cousin, Babette DaSilva.  She and Debette started out around the same time in Tinseltown; but where Debette made in-roads at every turn; Babette found detours at every turn.  At one point she became so despondent, she climbed up to the Hollywood sign and said "Goodbye Cruel Town!" and leapt to her...yucca plant.  You see, Babette was the only known person to survive a suicide leap from the famous landmark.  The newsreel about it was her highest grossing film.  So, Babette now works at Penultimate Studios Guest Liason office.  Hilarious!

An earsplitting GRINDING NOISE comes from somewhere.  Cooper covers his ears.  The prop man points to a sign that reads "Hardhat Area," tips his own, points to his ear mufflers and disappears back up the ladder.  Cooper staggers towards the doors and exits.  We see him wander off to the right.  A beat.  He comes back, headed left, still staggering.
CUT TO:
Cooper's P.O.V.:
Cooper sees a golf-cart coming towards him.  A young woman in a business suit, her face set in grim determination, is barreling down the lane, which is laden with water filled pot-holes.  In the back seat is her passenger; a portly man of about 70 years old, wearing an Italian suit, sunglasses and puffing on a ridiculously long cigar.  This is legendary producer, GIG VIDOR. Sour-pussed, he is gesticulating at the driver; but of course, Cooper can't hear what he's saying.
The young woman plows through the biggest, wettest, pothole; taking zero notice of Cooper who finds himself inundated in a tsunamiesque spray of filthy back-lot water run-off.  He stands stock still, in utter shock as his map disintegrates in his hand.
CUT TO:
INT. PENULTIMATE GUEST LIASONS OFFICE -DAY
Cooper is now in an office setting.  He is sitting in a chair in a small waiting area.  He looks up at a stylized version of the studio logo on the opposite wall as he tries to regain the hearing in his ears.  He looks over to the receptionist, who smiles at him.  She is anywhere from 85 to 105.  She waves and says something.  Cooper points to his ear and shakes his head.  The receptionist is BABETTE DA SILVA, a kindly, if somewhat eccentric, mother hen of the office.  She opens one of her desk drawers and removes a, strange, spindly object and holds it up.
BABETTE
Would you like to borrow my ear trumpet?
Cooper shrugs as she stands and grabs a box of tissues.  She hands him the "ear trumpet" and starts dabbing at the mud on his clothes, which only makes it worse.
BABETTE
Wait a second...I think I have some "Chem-Dry-To-Go" in my desk...

COOPER
What?
BABETTE
(As she rummages) Did you have any trouble finding the building?  We are kind of tucked away back here.
COOPER
A little bit.  Is the building named after Gloria Swanson? 
BABETTE
Ah, no.  It's named after Swanson TV dinners.  They sponsored I'm Engaged to Agnes and getting the building named after their lousy pot pies was part of the deal.  Here we go!
She pulls an antique looking nebulizer out of her bottom drawer and approaches Cooper.
COOPER
Are you sure that's--
BABETTE
(Spraying him)  We'll have you bright as a shiny new dime for Mr. Tomas!
A large cloud arises in the waiting area and Cooper starts COUGHING and waving his arms.  The intercom on Babette's desk BUZZES.  She squirts Cooper a few more times and answers it.
BABETTE
Yes Mr. Tomas. Right away Mr. Tomas!
She turns to Cooper.  As the cloud dissipates, we can see that is hair is standing on end and is slightly smoking.  Babette goes to Cooper, licks her finger tips and tries to fix his hair.
BABETTE
There we go!  Just like new.  You can go in now.
She opens the door for Cooper and pushes him through.  We hear a loud CRASH, followed by a MOAN.  Babette returns to her typing.

Okay, maybe this is veering into Three Stooges territory; but why not?  They've certainly stood the test of time.  Question: Have you ever met a single (any) female, woman, lady-gendered type person who liked the Stooges?  

SMASH CUT TO:
INT. THOMAS PEREDO'S OFFICE
THOMAS "TOMAS" PEREDO, 30s-40's is a compact man with a big personality. Hollywood savvy; but kind by nature (and good-natured, with a twinkle in his eye), he is leaning back in his chair, his hands folded across his stomach.  He SIGHS as we surmise what he has just seen: something to do with Cooper, a rolling office chair, a potted palm and the venetian blinds, which were once in the window.
TOMAS
(Looking at his nails)  Are you all right?
COOPER
(Extricating himself with some difficulty, from amongst the said items and off the floor)  I'm good!  I'm good!  Mr. Peredo, I will pay for these blinds!
There is something of a CACOPHONY as he disentangles himself.
TOMAS
Don't worry about it.  I was going to put in black out shades anyways. (Gestures) Please, have a seat.
COOPER
Oh, I already ate.
TOMAS
A seat.
COOPER
What?
He puts the small end of the ear trumpet to his ear and the larger end towards Tomas.
COOPER
I'm having a little trouble hearing.  I walked into this building today and it was REALLY LOUD.
TOMAS
Why are you holding a Papua New Guinean penis gourd to your head?
COOPER
Your secretary lent it to me.
TOMAS
I wondered where that went. You never know what she's going to pull out of her drawer...
Cooper sits and tries to compose himself.  He starts surreptitiously scratching himself.  He drops the gourd and retrieves it.
TOMAS
So, I see you went to Cotton Mather College where you studied film.
Cooper nods dumbly, his urge to scratch growing more intense.
TOMAS
You want to...what...direct...write?
COOPER
Oh, I'm a lover, not a fighter.
TOMAS
WRITE.
Correct!  But what I would really love to do is write for a Penultimate show.  I've been a Planetary Pursuit fan since I was a kid!
TOMAS
Well, you've got to pay your dues first.
COOPER
Oh, do you validate parking?
TOMAS
Where do you see yourself in ten years?
COOPER
Oh, I love Britney Spears; I'm a little concerned, though, that she's not getting the help she needs.
TOMAS
(Shaking his head, giving up)  Can you drive a golf cart?
COOPER
Oh, Mr. Peredo...(dropping his voice) I'd never fart in your office!
TOMAS
I said, "Can you drive a golf cart"!
Cooper shakes his head and puts the penis gourd to his ear.  He drops it.
COOPER
Oops, I did it again!  (LAUGHS somewhat hysterically).
As Cooper leans down to pick up the gourd, his shirt splits up the back, apparently in the process of disintegrating.  Finally, Tomas comes from behind his desk and pulls Cooper to his feet.  Cooper, realizing the scope of this disaster, tries to change the subject.  He points to a framed, autographed picture of Meryl Streep from the poster for Alice at the Palace.  It reads: To Tomas.  Eat me!  Love, Meryl
COOPER
Oh, "Alice at the Palace"...I loved her in that!
TOMAS
You've seen it?
COOPER
Oh, yeah.  
TOMAS
You're the only person; besides me, that I've ever met; who has.
COOPER
Really?
TOMAS
Yes.
COOPER
Mr. Peredo, I'm really sorry about--
TOMAS
Look kid.  Show biz means never having to say you're sorry.
Tomas starts leading him to the door, which he opens.
COOPER
Oh!  Curtis says you still owe him twenty bucks.
TOMAS
Oh really?  (Taking out his wallet and extracting a five dollar bill)  Give him this and tell him he gets the rest when I get that fried okra recipe.
Cooper nods and take the money and starts to leave.
TOMAS
My penis gourd?
Cooper LAUGHS nervously and hands the gourd to Tomas.
COOPER
And what a handsome penis fjord it is!
Cooper salutes, does a ridiculous bow, turns on his heel and walks into the corner behind the door.  He emerges and leaves.  Tomas goes to a shelf and places the gourd amongst a trove of other equally odd items.  He turns to the mess and SIGHS.
TOMAS
Babette.  Babette...BABETTE!
CUT TO:
INT. OUTER OFFICE -DAY
Cooper, scratching like a maniac, bolts out of the office.
BABETTE
(Calling after him)  Did ya get the job, sweetheart?
CUT TO:
EXT. -GUARD BOOTH -DAY
Cooper, now exiting the studio, stops at the booth.  CURTIS THE GUARD, leans out.  He can't contain his shock and simultaneous amusement.
CURTIS
Are they filming Tar Pits two back there?
COOPER
I don't want to talk about it.  Here's five bucks.  You get the rest when you cough up some fried okra.
Curtis takes the money and watches as Cooper drives off, barley avoiding a collision when he turns on to Melrose.
CURTIS
That boy is going places!

PLEASE SEE: PAGES THE SITCOM PILOT, PT. 3 for the conclusion!

CFR  10/28/23

I guess this is just gonna be a thing now.
DIALS PHONE
RINGING then a CLICK as someone picks up.
TEENA
Hello?
CHRIS
Teena, it's Chris.
TEENA
Can this wait?  I'm trying to write a pilot.
CHRIS
You write?
TEENA
I'm a Tina Fey impersonator.  Of course I write!
CHRIS
Wow.  You're like, totally, submerged.
TEENA
I think you mean "immersed." 
CHRIS
You really are a writer!  But I prefer "submerged"; it brings a certain absurdity to it--
TEENA
Okay, so what happened now.  Who was "inspired" this time?
CHRIS
​Dr. Frasier Crane, D.D.S, no less!

TEENA
I'm going to assume that you're talking about the reboot of Frasier starring Kelsey Grammer that has yet to even air, I might add.
CHRIS
Correct!
TEENA
​So, you're about to tell me that this new version of the beloved classic series has somehow "borrowed," "been inspired by," or has "appropriated" from you.  This established Intellectual Property; or "IP" as it's commonly known?
CHRIS
Bingo!
TEENA
I'm listening...
CHRIS
Okay, so, do you remember when I wrote that blog about two years ago?
TEENA
No.  What was it about?
CHRIS
Well, its title was: "Anyone Can Make a Sitcom!"
TEENA
Let me guess.  It was about sitcoms?
CHRIS
Give the little lady a prize!
TEENA
That's sexist.
CHRIS
Actually, it was a series of blogs wherein I created (with the help of my husband) an original sitcom pilot, from the ground up, using only random names and occupations.  It's called Cheeseheads.  You can read the script on my blog.
TEENA
Maybe.  What's it about?
CHRIS
A wacky extended family in Green Bay, Wisconsin and their crazy Minnesota shenanigans!
TEENA
I thought you said Wisconsin.
CHRIS
Same diff.
TEENA
So the Frasier people "borrowed" from this pilot script?
CHRIS
No.
TEENA
No?  So, they didn't "borrow" from you.
CHRIS
Well, let's see what you think.  While I was getting into the premise of Cheeseheads, I kept thinking about Mike Sorrentino.

TEENA
Who?
CHRIS
The Situation.
TEENA
What's the situation?
CHRIS
That's his nick-name or was it what he called his abs?
TEENA
What are you talking about?
CHRIS
He's a TV personality.  He's part of the Jersey Shore gang.  He went to jail for tax evasion.
TEENA
Okay, what does The Situation have to do with your situation?
CHRIS
I pitched a sit-com into the ether.  I called it The Sitch-Com and it starred Mr. Sorrentino.  The show was built around him.
TEENA
Is he funny?
CHRIS
I find him amusing.
TEENA
Can he act?
CHRIS
He wouldn't have to.  He'd just be himself, like Kim Kardashian.
TEENA
Is she on the show?
CHRIS
She is now!!!
TEENA
But what does any of this have to do with Frasier?

CHRIS
I'm getting to that!  So, I was riffing on ideas about just what The Sitch-Com might be about.  I was being 83% absurd, of course; but not so absurd that the idea wasn't feasible.
TEENA
What was the idea?
CHRIS
Well, a lot of it played on Mr. Sorrentino's Italiano persona.  I had recently visited Rehoboth Beach and was surprisingly charmed by it.  So, I set it there.  And of course, every sitcom needs a place for the characters to hang out when they're not at home or work: a bar, a pub, a coffee house, a diner, a cafe, a bookstore; ad infinitum.  I pictured him and his crazy Italian friends hanging out in...get this...an Irish bar.
TEENA
Why?
CHRIS
The whole fish out of water thing!  We gotta stir up those comedy shenanigans!  Give Mike a love interest with some friction.  Get those sparks flying.  So, a pretty Irish lady bartender.
TEENA
Sounds like Cheers to me...
CHRIS
It did to me too.  So I decided to make Mike a fire fighter.  And not only that, the cook at the firehouse. And not only that, he still lives at home with his crazy Italian family.  Lots of possible "sitches" for the "com!"
TEENA
Okay; but how is this connected to Frasier?
CHRIS
Well, for some reason, Frasier's grown son is now a fire fighter; after dropping out of Harvard.
TEENA
Yeah, like that happens in life.
CHRIS
And he and his crazy fire fighter buddies hang out in what appears to be a pub!  And I can't think of any sitcom about firefighters.
TEENA
What about Tacoma FD?
CHRIS
What now?
TEENA
It's a sitcom about fire fighters in Tacoma that's been on since 2019.
CHRIS
Where?
TEENA
On Tru TV

TEENA
You can't win 'em all, Chris.
CHRIS
No...you can't...
TEENA
Well, can you connect yourself to Frasier some other way?  How about that "3 Reidy Degrees" thing?
CHRIS
Actually, I can.  To both the show and the actor who played him.  I actually ushered on that show as a page when they filmed the friggin' pilot.
TEENA
Wow.  That's actually sort of cool.
CHRIS
And one time I was standing right next to Kelsey Grammer in the dinner line.
TEENA
You were not.
CHRIS
I was.  He was literally three inches away from me.  He has really big feet.
TEENA
He does?
CHRIS
Yeah, he was barefoot, too.  We were outside in this park near the stage they filmed on.
TEENA
Did you talk to him?
CHRIS
​He did say something to me​, I forget what.  He was really nice and seemed totally down to Earth.  I didn't really say anything back.
TEENA
Why not?
CHRIS
Because I clam up around celebrities; and I'm wicked shy to begin with. I actually had Jennifer Beals sitting across from my reception desk and I didn't say anything.  And we have the same birthday!
TEENA
Wait a second.  Why was a big TV star eating with you?
CHRIS
Well, you know, they'd feed everyone working on the show.  Including the pages.  Not always though.  It was an ongoing battle.  Not just with Frasier, but the studio.  They paid us nothing and also tried to feed us nothing.  But we pages, we had our ways...
TEENA
Was Eddie there?
CHRIS
I'm sure his trainer was there, so he probably was too.

Interesting side-note.  Both Cheers and Frasier were filmed on Stage 25.  It was considered a "good luck" stage.  I wonder if they're shooting the reboot on it.
TEENA
Were you ever on the Cheers set?
CHRIS
No, Cheers had gone off the same year I started.  Missed it by that much!
TEENA
The 90's were fun!
CHRIS
Were they though?  I kind of felt like I was living in a watered down version of the 80's; but that's just me.
TEENA
So, Chris...you know you can't keep doing this, right?
CHRIS
Doing what?
TEENA
Accusing everyone and everything in the Entertainment Industry of "borrowing" from you.
CHRIS
Why not?
TEENA
People are going to think you're crazy.
CHRIS
But I am crazy.  And Teena, at this point in my life, what do I have to lose?  Nothing.  And my filter is getting more and more wonky.  I will continue to point out these, for me, "eyebrow raising" moments.  Anyone out there who feels I'm in error or actually certifiably "crazy" is welcome to point that out themselves.  These blogs have a "Comment" feature.  Comment away people!
TEENA
You're a nut.
CHRIS
Sometimes I feel like one and sometimes I don't.  Teena, did you ever wonder why Mounds only comes in dark chocolate and Almond Joy only comes in milk chocolate?  I mean, why don't they offer both candy bars in both chocolates?  'Cuz I always prefer nuts and I prefer dark chocolate.  
TEENA
I guess you could always stick some almonds in a Mounds bar.
CHRIS
I never thought of that!  Teena, you're a genius.
TEENA
I know.
CHRIS
What's you pilot about?
TEENA
A college professor who has a mid-life crisis and becomes a body guard to a K-Pop girl group.
CHRIS
I love it!  But you know, in one of my scripts I had college professor--
CLICK
CHRIS
Oh darling, you are tough!

CFR   10/12/23