Marlon stands.
MARLON
In this world that we call our world; sometimes, things can slip through the cracks. And in our business, as business people, we're in the business of doing business. And sometimes it's none of our business. But sometimes, it is our business and we have to get to business dealing with those...cracks.
MARLON
In this world that we call our world; sometimes, things can slip through the cracks. And in our business, as business people, we're in the business of doing business. And sometimes it's none of our business. But sometimes, it is our business and we have to get to business dealing with those...cracks.
BUSINESS WOMAN ONE
(Under her breath, to Ted) Here come the cracks...
Marlon presses a button and a screen lowers. He aims a remote at it.
MARLON
People, what I am about to show you, shouldn't exist. It's an anomaly. A chimera. A unicorn, if you will. But you won't: because I hate buzz-words. How about, since it's Christmas, Caravaggio's Nativity?
He presses a button on the remote and an image of the said painting appears on the screen.
(Under her breath, to Ted) Here come the cracks...
Marlon presses a button and a screen lowers. He aims a remote at it.
MARLON
People, what I am about to show you, shouldn't exist. It's an anomaly. A chimera. A unicorn, if you will. But you won't: because I hate buzz-words. How about, since it's Christmas, Caravaggio's Nativity?
He presses a button on the remote and an image of the said painting appears on the screen.
MARLON
Now, this painting disappeared in nineteen-sixty-nine and has never been recovered. Some say it was eaten by hogs when it was stashed in a barn. Whatever the case, that same year, this appeared in the wilds of the North...
He presses the remote again and now we see the image of somewhat rundown restaurant. It is clearly Christmas themed. A sign in the parking lot reads: JERRY JINGLE'S CAFE "Where Every Day is Christmas!"
BUSINESS MAN #2 (STAN)
I remember that chain! We used to go there when I was a kid. I haven't seen one of those since I can't remember!
MARLON
No one can remember Stan. That's because the last one closed in nineteen-ninety-one.
BUSINESS WOMAN #2 (AGNES)
Wait a second...isn't that a Tesos in the parking lot?
MARLON
Yes, it is.
AGNES
But, how can that? What--how--when--why--who--
MARLON
Before you go through all the wuh words, Agnes, let me stop you right there. That is not only a Tesos, it's a late model one. I should know, because it's mine. And it's a ninety-eight-thousand dollar pile of poops. It self-drove me into a rutuabaga field. But I digress...
Now, this painting disappeared in nineteen-sixty-nine and has never been recovered. Some say it was eaten by hogs when it was stashed in a barn. Whatever the case, that same year, this appeared in the wilds of the North...
He presses the remote again and now we see the image of somewhat rundown restaurant. It is clearly Christmas themed. A sign in the parking lot reads: JERRY JINGLE'S CAFE "Where Every Day is Christmas!"
BUSINESS MAN #2 (STAN)
I remember that chain! We used to go there when I was a kid. I haven't seen one of those since I can't remember!
MARLON
No one can remember Stan. That's because the last one closed in nineteen-ninety-one.
BUSINESS WOMAN #2 (AGNES)
Wait a second...isn't that a Tesos in the parking lot?
MARLON
Yes, it is.
AGNES
But, how can that? What--how--when--why--who--
MARLON
Before you go through all the wuh words, Agnes, let me stop you right there. That is not only a Tesos, it's a late model one. I should know, because it's mine. And it's a ninety-eight-thousand dollar pile of poops. It self-drove me into a rutuabaga field. But I digress...
MARLON
Yes, people, you are looking at the last of the Jerry Jingle cafes. It shouldn't be there. No one in this company seems to know how or why it is still there, doing business. When my grandfather founded Johnson Amalgamated, he had a motto: omne negotium nostrum est; which means, "it's all of our business." And by "all," he meant--
HONORIA
Sorry to interrupt Marlon, but, why did you hijack my presentation for this? Who cares about a forgotten diner in the middle of...wait, where is it?
MARLON
Vermont.
HONORIA
I'm from Vermont!
MARLON
I know. Winooski Falls.
HONORIA
Yes! You know it?
MARLON
I do now. Because guess where the last of the Jerry Jingles is...
HONORIA
Winooski Falls?
MARLON
Bingo. And guess who gets to go up there and clean out that crack?
Honoria looks around the table and then realizes who he's talking about. Ted CHUCKLES as Honoria shakes her head in disbelief.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE -DAY
A moment later, as everyone files out of the boardroom. Honoria stops Marlon by Jurgin's desk and puts down the box of uneaten Tannenbon-bons.
HONORIA
Marlon, wait--
MARLON
Look, I know what you're going to say.
HONORIA
I--
MARLON
You don't want to go because you might know some of the people that work there.
HONORIA
But--
MARLON
It's not fair that I'm sending you because you have unresolved issues with several of the townsfolk. An old beau perhaps?
HONORIA
Maybe, however--
MARLON
Look, we could do this all day; but we can't; because you've got a plane to catch--
As they argue, the camera CLOSES on Jurgin, who picks up one of the Tannenbon-bons and sniffs it. He takes a bite. We hear, almost subliminally, the sound of WINTER WIND and DISTANT SLEIGH BELLS. Jurgins eyelids flutter and he slumps back in his desk chair, a look of bliss on his face.
MARLON
...I know it's Christmas. But business can't wait for Christmas. So--ugly sweater party in ten minutes and then you, airport. (Noticing Jurgin) What's his damage?
Marlon strides off. Honoria looks down at Jurgin, who seems to be asleep.
JURGIN
(Mumble/singing)...Weebles wobble but they don't fall down...
HONORIA
Jurgin. Jurgin? Jurgin!
She shakes his chair and he sits up, coming out of his reverie.
Yes, people, you are looking at the last of the Jerry Jingle cafes. It shouldn't be there. No one in this company seems to know how or why it is still there, doing business. When my grandfather founded Johnson Amalgamated, he had a motto: omne negotium nostrum est; which means, "it's all of our business." And by "all," he meant--
HONORIA
Sorry to interrupt Marlon, but, why did you hijack my presentation for this? Who cares about a forgotten diner in the middle of...wait, where is it?
MARLON
Vermont.
HONORIA
I'm from Vermont!
MARLON
I know. Winooski Falls.
HONORIA
Yes! You know it?
MARLON
I do now. Because guess where the last of the Jerry Jingles is...
HONORIA
Winooski Falls?
MARLON
Bingo. And guess who gets to go up there and clean out that crack?
Honoria looks around the table and then realizes who he's talking about. Ted CHUCKLES as Honoria shakes her head in disbelief.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE -DAY
A moment later, as everyone files out of the boardroom. Honoria stops Marlon by Jurgin's desk and puts down the box of uneaten Tannenbon-bons.
HONORIA
Marlon, wait--
MARLON
Look, I know what you're going to say.
HONORIA
I--
MARLON
You don't want to go because you might know some of the people that work there.
HONORIA
But--
MARLON
It's not fair that I'm sending you because you have unresolved issues with several of the townsfolk. An old beau perhaps?
HONORIA
Maybe, however--
MARLON
Look, we could do this all day; but we can't; because you've got a plane to catch--
As they argue, the camera CLOSES on Jurgin, who picks up one of the Tannenbon-bons and sniffs it. He takes a bite. We hear, almost subliminally, the sound of WINTER WIND and DISTANT SLEIGH BELLS. Jurgins eyelids flutter and he slumps back in his desk chair, a look of bliss on his face.
MARLON
...I know it's Christmas. But business can't wait for Christmas. So--ugly sweater party in ten minutes and then you, airport. (Noticing Jurgin) What's his damage?
Marlon strides off. Honoria looks down at Jurgin, who seems to be asleep.
JURGIN
(Mumble/singing)...Weebles wobble but they don't fall down...
HONORIA
Jurgin. Jurgin? Jurgin!
She shakes his chair and he sits up, coming out of his reverie.
JURGIN
What happened?
HONORIA
I think you passed out. It is a little warm in here.
JURGIN
I had the most wonderful...
HONORIA
What?
JURGIN
I'm not sure. Did you ever have a dream and it was like, really amazing, and then you wake up and you can't quite remember it; and you try to fall asleep again so you can go back?
He puts his head down on his desk and closes his eyes.
HONORIA
That happens to me all the time. But I don't have time for this. Where's my ugly sweater?
JURGIN
It's in the shopping bag...somewhere...
She shakes her head, finds the sweater and and starts pulling it over her head.
CUT TO:
INT. REVOLVING RESTAURANT VESTIBULE -EVENING
An elevator door opens and Honoria steps out. She adjusts her sweater in a mirror, noticing it for the first time. It says "Merry Krampus" and features the holiday demon and a delightful "light up" feature. She SIGHS. A second elevator door opens and Jurgin steps out, wearing his own ridiculous sweater and carrying the Tannenbon-bons. She regards him in the mirror.
HONORIA
Where did you get this?
JURGIN
A little old lady was selling them on the street when I went on my cigarette break. I got one for myself, too!
He displays his sweater, which depicts Santa, flashing himself at an attached "Barbie" doll.* His lights up as well.
HONORIA
I thought you eschewed "festive."
JURGIN
I usually do. I don't know what's wrong with me. (He removes the Santa pin from his pocket and pins it on her sweater). Just the finishing touch!
HONORIA
(Noticing pastries) Why did you bring those? Nobody touched them at the meeting.
JURGIN
Nobody eats during a meeting. This is a party. They're really good!
HONORIA
You had one?
Before he can answer, a group of people, all wearing ugly Christmas sweaters, pile out of an elevator.
JURGIN
(To Honoria) Let's plow!
They enter the restaurant.
What happened?
HONORIA
I think you passed out. It is a little warm in here.
JURGIN
I had the most wonderful...
HONORIA
What?
JURGIN
I'm not sure. Did you ever have a dream and it was like, really amazing, and then you wake up and you can't quite remember it; and you try to fall asleep again so you can go back?
He puts his head down on his desk and closes his eyes.
HONORIA
That happens to me all the time. But I don't have time for this. Where's my ugly sweater?
JURGIN
It's in the shopping bag...somewhere...
She shakes her head, finds the sweater and and starts pulling it over her head.
CUT TO:
INT. REVOLVING RESTAURANT VESTIBULE -EVENING
An elevator door opens and Honoria steps out. She adjusts her sweater in a mirror, noticing it for the first time. It says "Merry Krampus" and features the holiday demon and a delightful "light up" feature. She SIGHS. A second elevator door opens and Jurgin steps out, wearing his own ridiculous sweater and carrying the Tannenbon-bons. She regards him in the mirror.
HONORIA
Where did you get this?
JURGIN
A little old lady was selling them on the street when I went on my cigarette break. I got one for myself, too!
He displays his sweater, which depicts Santa, flashing himself at an attached "Barbie" doll.* His lights up as well.
HONORIA
I thought you eschewed "festive."
JURGIN
I usually do. I don't know what's wrong with me. (He removes the Santa pin from his pocket and pins it on her sweater). Just the finishing touch!
HONORIA
(Noticing pastries) Why did you bring those? Nobody touched them at the meeting.
JURGIN
Nobody eats during a meeting. This is a party. They're really good!
HONORIA
You had one?
Before he can answer, a group of people, all wearing ugly Christmas sweaters, pile out of an elevator.
JURGIN
(To Honoria) Let's plow!
They enter the restaurant.
*The "Barbie" doll could also be a "Ken" doll, or "Alan" or "G.I. Joe" or "Big Jim," you know, for Equal Opportuity Perversion!
Please see: "Cumming Home for Christmas, Part 3" for the next installment!
Please see: "Cumming Home for Christmas, Part 3" for the next installment!
CFR 1/28/24
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