Disclaimer: Just so you know, I had no recollection that Taylor dated Jake Gyllenhaal. I had no knowledge of this song and it's possible meanings. I mean, I have some vague recollection of that cover, as I am in the grocery store checkout line once a week (Kroger's, Not Union Market). I had no idea that Taylorhaal was a thing until my niece dropped this bomb in my lap. In other words: I am not obsessed with Jake! But wait, do we know if he's circumcised or not? I'll have to check on that. I mean, not that I care either way. It's not like I have a preference or anything. I mean, I am and it's worked out fine for me so far; but I do sometimes wish that the decision had been left to me, you know what I mean? And it's not like Jake's either circumcised or uncircumcised penis is going to pop up in my immediate personal space or anything anytime soon or in the foreseeable future, unless I find myself next to him at an airport urinal. Or he does full frontal in the new version of Road House. Or if Taylor actually does become and authoress and has a book signing and I fly to L.A. and take an uber to Book Soup on Sunset and go and buy her novella simply to have it signed so that I can ask her about Jake's tackle sitch.
Okay, I'm done now.*
So, it looks like US Weekly went with the coffee cup, shopping bag, awkward hand-hold trifecta pic. I mean, shouldn't they have shot the whole shebang with the coffee-cup, shopping bag, awkward hand-hold and quizzical skyward peer?
Okay, I'm done now.*
So, it looks like US Weekly went with the coffee cup, shopping bag, awkward hand-hold trifecta pic. I mean, shouldn't they have shot the whole shebang with the coffee-cup, shopping bag, awkward hand-hold and quizzical skyward peer?
So, it was bugging the F out of me where that shopping bag is from...so I think I'd make a great detective! Although, you can't clearly make out the logo on the bag in any of the pics, you can make out the word "Brooklyn"; so, I looked up Brooklyn grocery stores, quickly found their logo, put two and two together and figured it out! And there are what appear to be cans in there. Perhaps my Cranberry Sauce Break-Up scenario is not too far off the mark!
And, I'm sorry; but why aren't these two trendy celebs hauling their own de rigueur shopping totes? So many questions! But I'm sure the kind, polite and environmentally aware Jake immediately put the bag into the recycle bin as the bag requests that one does.
Or was this a "thing" yet in 2010?
Moving on...
Back to the saga that is All Too Well the Short Film:
So, meanwhile, back in la cocina de su hermana, HIM and HER continue their impromptu argument. It seems that HER is more than a little peeved that SHE was thoroughly ignored by HIS friends, had HER hand dropped by HIM and wasn't even glanced at the entire evening by HIM. And yes, SHE has solid grounds for HER perturbation. HIS'S arguments, in the context of the scene, are weak. More or less that HE was more focused on HIS friends than HER because he hadn't seen them for a long time and more lamely; that HE doesn't even remember rejecting HER romantic hand-hold gesture.
In the real world, sure. But Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor did not live in "the real world" in 2010. She was already a big Star. She'd been in the "stellar" Valentine's Day directed by Garry Marshall; not exactly a Hollywood unknown. She played opposite Taylor Lautner (another famous werewolfboy) who was a the top of the Tiger Beat top ten when she dated him...let's take a look!
Moving on...
Back to the saga that is All Too Well the Short Film:
So, meanwhile, back in la cocina de su hermana, HIM and HER continue their impromptu argument. It seems that HER is more than a little peeved that SHE was thoroughly ignored by HIS friends, had HER hand dropped by HIM and wasn't even glanced at the entire evening by HIM. And yes, SHE has solid grounds for HER perturbation. HIS'S arguments, in the context of the scene, are weak. More or less that HE was more focused on HIS friends than HER because he hadn't seen them for a long time and more lamely; that HE doesn't even remember rejecting HER romantic hand-hold gesture.
In the real world, sure. But Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor did not live in "the real world" in 2010. She was already a big Star. She'd been in the "stellar" Valentine's Day directed by Garry Marshall; not exactly a Hollywood unknown. She played opposite Taylor Lautner (another famous werewolfboy) who was a the top of the Tiger Beat top ten when she dated him...let's take a look!
Now that's what you call chemistry! (And Taylor, I get the whole hairy dude thing, (even though Taylor L. is as smooth as a satin sheet (does he wax?), believe me!).
So, for Taylor Swift to imply, particularly in this video, that she was pushed into a corner and ignored is a bit of gigantic pill to swallow. So, nobody was like: "Gee, what's it like to work with Anne Hathaway!" (or did Jake interrupt and answer the question?) Or, "Wow Taylor, how do you come up with ideas for your songs? Did you get to meet Penny Marshall? Is Patrick Dempsey really all that dreamy? Why is Hector Elizondo in all of Garry Marshall's movies? Why do you have an Epi-pen; are you allergic to pumpkins too? Boy you really like cranberry sauce! Taylor why is 13 your lucky number? Gee Taylor, did you know that your name means, like "tailor" literally; as in "to cut"? Taylor, could you please pass the mashed turnips? Taylor, somebody told me you can speak Flemish; is that true!??! To answer your question from earlier, Taylor, Jake's shoe size is 10. What's that Taylor? You're glad Jake's second toe isn't longer than his first toe because you wouldn't know how to handle yourself? Gee, Taylor, that could be taken several ways... Taylor, have you ever had the spinning salad at Lawry's Prime Beef? What's that? More cranberry sauce? You really can put it away!"
And so on...in short, I don't think Taylor would've been metaphorically relegated to the kiddie's table.
So, for Taylor Swift to imply, particularly in this video, that she was pushed into a corner and ignored is a bit of gigantic pill to swallow. So, nobody was like: "Gee, what's it like to work with Anne Hathaway!" (or did Jake interrupt and answer the question?) Or, "Wow Taylor, how do you come up with ideas for your songs? Did you get to meet Penny Marshall? Is Patrick Dempsey really all that dreamy? Why is Hector Elizondo in all of Garry Marshall's movies? Why do you have an Epi-pen; are you allergic to pumpkins too? Boy you really like cranberry sauce! Taylor why is 13 your lucky number? Gee Taylor, did you know that your name means, like "tailor" literally; as in "to cut"? Taylor, could you please pass the mashed turnips? Taylor, somebody told me you can speak Flemish; is that true!??! To answer your question from earlier, Taylor, Jake's shoe size is 10. What's that Taylor? You're glad Jake's second toe isn't longer than his first toe because you wouldn't know how to handle yourself? Gee, Taylor, that could be taken several ways... Taylor, have you ever had the spinning salad at Lawry's Prime Beef? What's that? More cranberry sauce? You really can put it away!"
And so on...in short, I don't think Taylor would've been metaphorically relegated to the kiddie's table.
*Disclaimer, disclaimer:
Perhaps, I've crossed a line; and if I have, I apologize, particularly to Mr. Gyllenhaal. But then again, maybe I haven't. There's all kinds of junk about Jake's junk on-line. It's a thing! Much of it from Jake himself. He talks about his genitals a lot. Not just his, but Stephen Colbert's. He'll talk about his penis at weddings. He's even sung a song about his penis (it's a little too NC-17 for this blog; but you can easily find it on Youtube); so, I guess all bets are off when it comes to the appropriateness of discussing Jake Jr. Whew! Now I feel better!
So, back to our kitchen contretemps:
Perhaps, I've crossed a line; and if I have, I apologize, particularly to Mr. Gyllenhaal. But then again, maybe I haven't. There's all kinds of junk about Jake's junk on-line. It's a thing! Much of it from Jake himself. He talks about his genitals a lot. Not just his, but Stephen Colbert's. He'll talk about his penis at weddings. He's even sung a song about his penis (it's a little too NC-17 for this blog; but you can easily find it on Youtube); so, I guess all bets are off when it comes to the appropriateness of discussing Jake Jr. Whew! Now I feel better!
So, back to our kitchen contretemps:
HER begins to weep at the sink and HIM proceeds to embrace HER and apologize. He says "sorry" almost as much as he'd used the F word. He says he's sorry for dropping her hand. So, if he says he's sorry, how is he the villain in this story? Well, after the second "sorry" the rest do sound a bit hollow. Is this an acting choice of Mr. O'Brien or is he being directed to do this by Ms. Swift? If it's the latter, I'll give Tay's props. It's pretty subtle. However, I won't let the whole hand-holding thing slide. In My Humble Opinion, holding another person's hand for any more than thirty seconds becomes an intimate act. Reaching for someone's hand at the dinner table in order to hold it, in front of a group of people is not just entirely too intimate a thing to do in front of strangers, it's a passive-aggressive way to show the others that the person your reaching for is "yours." I mean HER might as well have sat in HIM's lap and started kissing HIM.
Hetero hand holding, it seems to me, is almost always initiated by the woman. I'm sorry; but I just gotta say, men, for the most part put up with it. You never really even see gay men doing it. And Taylor, a Sagittarian, has got to know that most Sagittarians would find this icky; particularly in public. But she's got the X chromosomes, which trump her Sag common sense. So, I'm on team Jake for this one. But don't get me wrong; there is a time and a place for romantic hand-holding: in the bedroom or in a car. Or walking down an empty beach, so that the hand-holding is not a performance.
So, the next section of our film is entitled "Are You Real?" In this portion we get a lot of kissy-kissy, hands through heads of hair, smooching, snack breaks, carefully hidden nudity on the part of the actress playing HER, kitchen dancing, bed-in crossword puzzling, shots of Mr. O'Brien's werewolfian armpits and the camera closing in on his ears, revealing very deep canals. Which is not something you see every day. I must admit though, that his nostrils are pretty sexy. I have a thing for men with large, flaring nostrils. Is that weird?
Hetero hand holding, it seems to me, is almost always initiated by the woman. I'm sorry; but I just gotta say, men, for the most part put up with it. You never really even see gay men doing it. And Taylor, a Sagittarian, has got to know that most Sagittarians would find this icky; particularly in public. But she's got the X chromosomes, which trump her Sag common sense. So, I'm on team Jake for this one. But don't get me wrong; there is a time and a place for romantic hand-holding: in the bedroom or in a car. Or walking down an empty beach, so that the hand-holding is not a performance.
So, the next section of our film is entitled "Are You Real?" In this portion we get a lot of kissy-kissy, hands through heads of hair, smooching, snack breaks, carefully hidden nudity on the part of the actress playing HER, kitchen dancing, bed-in crossword puzzling, shots of Mr. O'Brien's werewolfian armpits and the camera closing in on his ears, revealing very deep canals. Which is not something you see every day. I must admit though, that his nostrils are pretty sexy. I have a thing for men with large, flaring nostrils. Is that weird?
I'm sorry; but that's just HOT.
Then, all of a sudden, HIM is shaking his head and face-palming whilst HER stares intently into his face. We can't hear the dialogue but it seems pretty clear he's saying something like: "It's not HER, it's HIM" or "This just isn't working, even though I just pointedly held your hand while WE were making love in the last montage..."
Cut to HER, played by Sadie Sink(!) (I wonder if that's why she played a scene at the kitchen sink!) crying so hysterically you'd think she'd just watched Valentine's Day. Oh this section is called "The Breaking Point." I don't think it's fair that in this scene we don't get to hear what they're saying. The camera is on her face and it seems she says "That's it?!!?" The implication being that he's dismissing her on a whim. It's very SHE said SHE said. Or should that be HER said, HER said? Next, we see HER banging away on a vintage manual typewriter (and apparently having an artichoke for a snack?). Guess what?
THE TYPEWRITER IS RED!!!
Then, all of a sudden, HIM is shaking his head and face-palming whilst HER stares intently into his face. We can't hear the dialogue but it seems pretty clear he's saying something like: "It's not HER, it's HIM" or "This just isn't working, even though I just pointedly held your hand while WE were making love in the last montage..."
Cut to HER, played by Sadie Sink(!) (I wonder if that's why she played a scene at the kitchen sink!) crying so hysterically you'd think she'd just watched Valentine's Day. Oh this section is called "The Breaking Point." I don't think it's fair that in this scene we don't get to hear what they're saying. The camera is on her face and it seems she says "That's it?!!?" The implication being that he's dismissing her on a whim. It's very SHE said SHE said. Or should that be HER said, HER said? Next, we see HER banging away on a vintage manual typewriter (and apparently having an artichoke for a snack?). Guess what?
THE TYPEWRITER IS RED!!!
In frustration, she pulls the sheet of paper from the roller, fiercely wads it up and tosses it. And it's no wonder! Her text nimble fingers probably couldn't take the pain of a manual keyboard. And it's 2010. Even this old schooler had given up his manual by then.
Oh the late nights into early mornings spent staring at that little workhorse. My fingers still throb when it rains.
So it's over.
It's oh, so over.
Over and out.
When next we see HER, SHE is out and about and out on the town in a little black dress. Where is she? It seems that it's some sort of opening night at an art gallery; but there's no art to be seen on the walls or anywhere in the room. Or is that the "art"? Is it some edgy, heady, art installation where the "art" part is not installing the art? Radical! Or is HER at a champagne tasting, as every single person in the room has the exact same wine glass with the exact same beverage? Or is it, as my husband asked, a champagne tasting in an empty art gallery? So many questions! So few answers; perhaps an--as promised by my niece--"Easter Egg" or two. We can only hope. Once again, Ms. Sink is sinking into the floor. She's wandering around this gathering, being bumped and jostled and pushed into the corner again. And again, if this is supposed to be Taylor Swift, I find it hard to believe that she'd go unnoticed around hipster poseurs and social climbing celebrity wannabes. In fact, she'd probably have most of the room surrounding her in concentric circles, vying to get HER her next glass of mystery drink.
Next, that cad HIM pulls the wool over HER dad's eyes by not showing up at her 21st birthday party, which we then see in the next segment.
So it's over.
It's oh, so over.
Over and out.
When next we see HER, SHE is out and about and out on the town in a little black dress. Where is she? It seems that it's some sort of opening night at an art gallery; but there's no art to be seen on the walls or anywhere in the room. Or is that the "art"? Is it some edgy, heady, art installation where the "art" part is not installing the art? Radical! Or is HER at a champagne tasting, as every single person in the room has the exact same wine glass with the exact same beverage? Or is it, as my husband asked, a champagne tasting in an empty art gallery? So many questions! So few answers; perhaps an--as promised by my niece--"Easter Egg" or two. We can only hope. Once again, Ms. Sink is sinking into the floor. She's wandering around this gathering, being bumped and jostled and pushed into the corner again. And again, if this is supposed to be Taylor Swift, I find it hard to believe that she'd go unnoticed around hipster poseurs and social climbing celebrity wannabes. In fact, she'd probably have most of the room surrounding her in concentric circles, vying to get HER her next glass of mystery drink.
Next, that cad HIM pulls the wool over HER dad's eyes by not showing up at her 21st birthday party, which we then see in the next segment.
It's HER party and I'll cry if want to...
I have to say that this party scene, after multiple viewings, gives me the creeps. It's like a scene from The Shining or at the very least, Twin Peaks. Is this creepy undertone on purpose? Check out the girl in the middle on the left, the one wearing the child's birthday party hat. She really is something out of David Lynch. Is she HER's little sister? Why is she the only one wearing a hat. Why are they using paper plates, cups and plastic utensils. I mean, this is HER's house and there are only six or so guests. They can't use actual porcelain and metal table-wear? She's turning 21, not 5! Yeah, 21, the legal drinking age! Where's the keg? If this was the kind of party she invited a movie star to, well, it's no wonder HE didn't show up!
I looked up "Taylor Swift birthday cake" and stills from this scene popped up and also a still from another video, for a song called "Lover." So I checked that out. And my God! The hair on the back of my neck stood up.
I have to say that this party scene, after multiple viewings, gives me the creeps. It's like a scene from The Shining or at the very least, Twin Peaks. Is this creepy undertone on purpose? Check out the girl in the middle on the left, the one wearing the child's birthday party hat. She really is something out of David Lynch. Is she HER's little sister? Why is she the only one wearing a hat. Why are they using paper plates, cups and plastic utensils. I mean, this is HER's house and there are only six or so guests. They can't use actual porcelain and metal table-wear? She's turning 21, not 5! Yeah, 21, the legal drinking age! Where's the keg? If this was the kind of party she invited a movie star to, well, it's no wonder HE didn't show up!
I looked up "Taylor Swift birthday cake" and stills from this scene popped up and also a still from another video, for a song called "Lover." So I checked that out. And my God! The hair on the back of my neck stood up.
The video for "Lover" which Taylor apparently co-directed, would seem at first glance, a whimsical look at a "world" that two people in love have created for themselves. Or should that be two people in love with horror movies? I just mentioned Twin Peaks and The Shining: the comparisons are even more blatant in "Lover." Here's the video to that one:
Most of the production design of the sets in the "Lover" video are clearly inspired by the Overlook Hotel sets from Kubrick's The Shining. At the 44 second mark, we see a room swathed in the color red, which is a first cousin of the "Red Room" from Twin Peaks. At the 2.15 mark we see Taylor climbing a ladder into the attic which brings to mind the attic sequence from The Exorcist. Then a front door that is straight out of Elm Street and a snow-globe that could've been knicked (or knick-knacked) from the set of Krampus (which I think was a really great, underrated horror movie).
So what's the story Taylor? You seem conflicted. You seem to be saying that LOVE is actually a horror show. I mean, why would you place this pretty, lovely little ballad in the context of a nightmarish set of suffocating rooms? Is it the Sagittarian push and pull of wanting LOVE but wanting FREEDOM more? Did you not realize that the charm of the video of "Lover" quickly devolves into a not quite so subconscious series of scenes of Existential, Get Me The Hell Out of This Place horror? Or did you know exactly what you were doing? Methinks there's a lot more going on in that pretty little head of yours. OH! And get this! Check out the 3 minute mark. What's on the table? Not one...but TWO plates of jellied Cranberry Sauce, straight out of the can. YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP!
So what's the story Taylor? You seem conflicted. You seem to be saying that LOVE is actually a horror show. I mean, why would you place this pretty, lovely little ballad in the context of a nightmarish set of suffocating rooms? Is it the Sagittarian push and pull of wanting LOVE but wanting FREEDOM more? Did you not realize that the charm of the video of "Lover" quickly devolves into a not quite so subconscious series of scenes of Existential, Get Me The Hell Out of This Place horror? Or did you know exactly what you were doing? Methinks there's a lot more going on in that pretty little head of yours. OH! And get this! Check out the 3 minute mark. What's on the table? Not one...but TWO plates of jellied Cranberry Sauce, straight out of the can. YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP!
Okay, that will be our last visit from Mr. Dramatic Squirrel.
And honestly, the cranberry sauce is a complete coincidence...or IS IT???
We'll be wrapping this up in the next blog, with Part 3 of Jake and Ms. T.
Ciao for now!
Love
Chris
CFR 9/29/22
And honestly, the cranberry sauce is a complete coincidence...or IS IT???
We'll be wrapping this up in the next blog, with Part 3 of Jake and Ms. T.
Ciao for now!
Love
Chris
CFR 9/29/22
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