Okay, I'm done now.*
So, it looks like US Weekly went with the coffee cup, shopping bag, awkward hand-hold trifecta pic. I mean, shouldn't they have shot the whole shebang with the coffee-cup, shopping bag, awkward hand-hold and quizzical skyward peer?
Back to the saga that is All Too Well the Short Film:
So, meanwhile, back in la cocina de su hermana, HIM and HER continue their impromptu argument. It seems that HER is more than a little peeved that SHE was thoroughly ignored by HIS friends, had HER hand dropped by HIM and wasn't even glanced at the entire evening by HIM. And yes, SHE has solid grounds for HER perturbation. HIS'S arguments, in the context of the scene, are weak. More or less that HE was more focused on HIS friends than HER because he hadn't seen them for a long time and more lamely; that HE doesn't even remember rejecting HER romantic hand-hold gesture.
In the real world, sure. But Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor did not live in "the real world" in 2010. She was already a big Star. She'd been in the "stellar" Valentine's Day directed by Garry Marshall; not exactly a Hollywood unknown. She played opposite Taylor Lautner (another famous werewolfboy) who was a the top of the Tiger Beat top ten when she dated him...let's take a look!
So, for Taylor Swift to imply, particularly in this video, that she was pushed into a corner and ignored is a bit of gigantic pill to swallow. So, nobody was like: "Gee, what's it like to work with Anne Hathaway!" (or did Jake interrupt and answer the question?) Or, "Wow Taylor, how do you come up with ideas for your songs? Did you get to meet Penny Marshall? Is Patrick Dempsey really all that dreamy? Why is Hector Elizondo in all of Garry Marshall's movies? Why do you have an Epi-pen; are you allergic to pumpkins too? Boy you really like cranberry sauce! Taylor why is 13 your lucky number? Gee Taylor, did you know that your name means, like "tailor" literally; as in "to cut"? Taylor, could you please pass the mashed turnips? Taylor, somebody told me you can speak Flemish; is that true!??! To answer your question from earlier, Taylor, Jake's shoe size is 10. What's that Taylor? You're glad Jake's second toe isn't longer than his first toe because you wouldn't know how to handle yourself? Gee, Taylor, that could be taken several ways... Taylor, have you ever had the spinning salad at Lawry's Prime Beef? What's that? More cranberry sauce? You really can put it away!"
And so on...in short, I don't think Taylor would've been metaphorically relegated to the kiddie's table.
Perhaps, I've crossed a line; and if I have, I apologize, particularly to Mr. Gyllenhaal. But then again, maybe I haven't. There's all kinds of junk about Jake's junk on-line. It's a thing! Much of it from Jake himself. He talks about his genitals a lot. Not just his, but Stephen Colbert's. He'll talk about his penis at weddings. He's even sung a song about his penis (it's a little too NC-17 for this blog; but you can easily find it on Youtube); so, I guess all bets are off when it comes to the appropriateness of discussing Jake Jr. Whew! Now I feel better!
So, back to our kitchen contretemps:
Hetero hand holding, it seems to me, is almost always initiated by the woman. I'm sorry; but I just gotta say, men, for the most part put up with it. You never really even see gay men doing it. And Taylor, a Sagittarian, has got to know that most Sagittarians would find this icky; particularly in public. But she's got the X chromosomes, which trump her Sag common sense. So, I'm on team Jake for this one. But don't get me wrong; there is a time and a place for romantic hand-holding: in the bedroom or in a car. Or walking down an empty beach, so that the hand-holding is not a performance.
So, the next section of our film is entitled "Are You Real?" In this portion we get a lot of kissy-kissy, hands through heads of hair, smooching, snack breaks, carefully hidden nudity on the part of the actress playing HER, kitchen dancing, bed-in crossword puzzling, shots of Mr. O'Brien's werewolfian armpits and the camera closing in on his ears, revealing very deep canals. Which is not something you see every day. I must admit though, that his nostrils are pretty sexy. I have a thing for men with large, flaring nostrils. Is that weird?
Then, all of a sudden, HIM is shaking his head and face-palming whilst HER stares intently into his face. We can't hear the dialogue but it seems pretty clear he's saying something like: "It's not HER, it's HIM" or "This just isn't working, even though I just pointedly held your hand while WE were making love in the last montage..."
Cut to HER, played by Sadie Sink(!) (I wonder if that's why she played a scene at the kitchen sink!) crying so hysterically you'd think she'd just watched Valentine's Day. Oh this section is called "The Breaking Point." I don't think it's fair that in this scene we don't get to hear what they're saying. The camera is on her face and it seems she says "That's it?!!?" The implication being that he's dismissing her on a whim. It's very SHE said SHE said. Or should that be HER said, HER said? Next, we see HER banging away on a vintage manual typewriter (and apparently having an artichoke for a snack?). Guess what?
THE TYPEWRITER IS RED!!!
So it's over.
It's oh, so over.
Over and out.
When next we see HER, SHE is out and about and out on the town in a little black dress. Where is she? It seems that it's some sort of opening night at an art gallery; but there's no art to be seen on the walls or anywhere in the room. Or is that the "art"? Is it some edgy, heady, art installation where the "art" part is not installing the art? Radical! Or is HER at a champagne tasting, as every single person in the room has the exact same wine glass with the exact same beverage? Or is it, as my husband asked, a champagne tasting in an empty art gallery? So many questions! So few answers; perhaps an--as promised by my niece--"Easter Egg" or two. We can only hope. Once again, Ms. Sink is sinking into the floor. She's wandering around this gathering, being bumped and jostled and pushed into the corner again. And again, if this is supposed to be Taylor Swift, I find it hard to believe that she'd go unnoticed around hipster poseurs and social climbing celebrity wannabes. In fact, she'd probably have most of the room surrounding her in concentric circles, vying to get HER her next glass of mystery drink.
Next, that cad HIM pulls the wool over HER dad's eyes by not showing up at her 21st birthday party, which we then see in the next segment.
I have to say that this party scene, after multiple viewings, gives me the creeps. It's like a scene from The Shining or at the very least, Twin Peaks. Is this creepy undertone on purpose? Check out the girl in the middle on the left, the one wearing the child's birthday party hat. She really is something out of David Lynch. Is she HER's little sister? Why is she the only one wearing a hat. Why are they using paper plates, cups and plastic utensils. I mean, this is HER's house and there are only six or so guests. They can't use actual porcelain and metal table-wear? She's turning 21, not 5! Yeah, 21, the legal drinking age! Where's the keg? If this was the kind of party she invited a movie star to, well, it's no wonder HE didn't show up!
I looked up "Taylor Swift birthday cake" and stills from this scene popped up and also a still from another video, for a song called "Lover." So I checked that out. And my God! The hair on the back of my neck stood up.
So what's the story Taylor? You seem conflicted. You seem to be saying that LOVE is actually a horror show. I mean, why would you place this pretty, lovely little ballad in the context of a nightmarish set of suffocating rooms? Is it the Sagittarian push and pull of wanting LOVE but wanting FREEDOM more? Did you not realize that the charm of the video of "Lover" quickly devolves into a not quite so subconscious series of scenes of Existential, Get Me The Hell Out of This Place horror? Or did you know exactly what you were doing? Methinks there's a lot more going on in that pretty little head of yours. OH! And get this! Check out the 3 minute mark. What's on the table? Not one...but TWO plates of jellied Cranberry Sauce, straight out of the can. YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP!
And honestly, the cranberry sauce is a complete coincidence...or IS IT???
We'll be wrapping this up in the next blog, with Part 3 of Jake and Ms. T.
Ciao for now!