CHRIS REIDY
Say Teena...don't you think that all those galaxies, side by side, look like plankton? Or sea-shells? Mother of Pearl, maybe? And isn't it ironic, don't you think, that a lot of plankton is, like diatoms; because, like you know it's like one-celled and a galaxy must be composed of a like, ten zillion-sex-atillion--
TEENA FAY
Huh?
CHRIS
Teena, you aren't even listening to me, are you?
TINA FEY
I know I'm not.
CHRIS
Is it really you?
TINA
Who?
CHRIS
The real Tina Fey?
TINA
Take a picture, it lasts longer.
Say Teena...don't you think that all those galaxies, side by side, look like plankton? Or sea-shells? Mother of Pearl, maybe? And isn't it ironic, don't you think, that a lot of plankton is, like diatoms; because, like you know it's like one-celled and a galaxy must be composed of a like, ten zillion-sex-atillion--
TEENA FAY
Huh?
CHRIS
Teena, you aren't even listening to me, are you?
TINA FEY
I know I'm not.
CHRIS
Is it really you?
TINA
Who?
CHRIS
The real Tina Fey?
TINA
Take a picture, it lasts longer.
TINA
Well, maybe not that picture...So Chris, I thought you were taking a break from blogging so you could go finish something on Medium. What gives?
CHRIS
Well Tina; I'm not sure I want to discuss this with you.
TINA
Fine. Don't. No leaves off my tea-bag--
TEENA
I want to talk about it! What is it, Chris?
CHRIS
I guess I kinda can't not talk about it. So, tonight, I get this article in my phone feed: "Super Bowl Commercials Getting the Most Buzz!" Guess what had the first bullet point?
TINA
Gee, I have nooooooo ideeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhh...
TEENA
What! What had the first bullet point?
CHRIS
Oh, a little something about Tina Fey impersonators.
TEENA
I'm a Tina Fey Impersonator!
CHRIS
No shit.
He holds up phone and shows Teena the following:
Well, maybe not that picture...So Chris, I thought you were taking a break from blogging so you could go finish something on Medium. What gives?
CHRIS
Well Tina; I'm not sure I want to discuss this with you.
TINA
Fine. Don't. No leaves off my tea-bag--
TEENA
I want to talk about it! What is it, Chris?
CHRIS
I guess I kinda can't not talk about it. So, tonight, I get this article in my phone feed: "Super Bowl Commercials Getting the Most Buzz!" Guess what had the first bullet point?
TINA
Gee, I have nooooooo ideeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhh...
TEENA
What! What had the first bullet point?
CHRIS
Oh, a little something about Tina Fey impersonators.
TEENA
I'm a Tina Fey Impersonator!
CHRIS
No shit.
He holds up phone and shows Teena the following:
TEENA
What are you getting at, Chris?
What are you getting at, Chris?
TEENA
I still don't get it...
TINA
He's gonna tell you I stole his "Multiple Tina Fey/Professional Tina Fey Impersonator"(TM/Reg./Pat.Pend.All Rights--oh, wait, I didn't do that for this. Shit!) idea.
CHRIS
You said it, I didn't.
TEENA
Well did you?!!?
TINA
Of course not. How could you even entertain such a notion?
TEENA
But Chris featured me in like, four or five blogs over the past several years, wherein we discussed IP theft, amongst other things.
TINA
Yeah? And?
CHRIS
Say, hey, Tina Fey--
TINA
Yaya?
CHRIS
You're a Taurus, aren't you?
TINA
Damn straight. With a Leo rising. Born on May 18th, 1970!
TEENA
I'm a Leo!
CHRIS
I'm a Sagittarius, Teena; and we get along spectack, with Leos! But Taurus...not so much.
TINA
Your loss.
CHRIS
However, quite interestingly, one of my very best friends is a Taurus, born on May 17th. I wonder what Harvey Sid Fisher would say?
TINA
Who the frig is Harvey Sid Fisher?
I still don't get it...
TINA
He's gonna tell you I stole his "Multiple Tina Fey/Professional Tina Fey Impersonator"(TM/Reg./Pat.Pend.All Rights--oh, wait, I didn't do that for this. Shit!) idea.
CHRIS
You said it, I didn't.
TEENA
Well did you?!!?
TINA
Of course not. How could you even entertain such a notion?
TEENA
But Chris featured me in like, four or five blogs over the past several years, wherein we discussed IP theft, amongst other things.
TINA
Yeah? And?
CHRIS
Say, hey, Tina Fey--
TINA
Yaya?
CHRIS
You're a Taurus, aren't you?
TINA
Damn straight. With a Leo rising. Born on May 18th, 1970!
TEENA
I'm a Leo!
CHRIS
I'm a Sagittarius, Teena; and we get along spectack, with Leos! But Taurus...not so much.
TINA
Your loss.
CHRIS
However, quite interestingly, one of my very best friends is a Taurus, born on May 17th. I wonder what Harvey Sid Fisher would say?
TINA
Who the frig is Harvey Sid Fisher?
TINA
What the hell was that?
CHRIS
The Taurus movement of his "Zodiac Suite."
TEENA
What sign is he?
CHRIS
Sagittarius!!!
TINA
Fine, I'll bite. So, why don't Taurus and Sagittarius get along?
CHRIS
I think it's a baseline competition over who has the biggest balls. 'Cuz you know...bulls...and Sag is half horse--
TINA
I get it.
TEENA
I don't get it.
TINA
Where did you find her?
CHRIS
At a Roanoke, Virginia improv group: The Downright Denizens Deployment.
What the hell was that?
CHRIS
The Taurus movement of his "Zodiac Suite."
TEENA
What sign is he?
CHRIS
Sagittarius!!!
TINA
Fine, I'll bite. So, why don't Taurus and Sagittarius get along?
CHRIS
I think it's a baseline competition over who has the biggest balls. 'Cuz you know...bulls...and Sag is half horse--
TINA
I get it.
TEENA
I don't get it.
TINA
Where did you find her?
CHRIS
At a Roanoke, Virginia improv group: The Downright Denizens Deployment.
TINA
Looks like it. So, anyhoose. What's with all this metaphysical shit about parallel universes and galaxies, spiral and otherwise?
CHRIS
I'd rather not talk about it. It's a tad on the dark side...like a black hole.
TEENA
That's one of my favorite movies!
TINA
Me too! So underrated. Some of Ernest Borgnine and Yvette Mimieux's best work!
CHRIS
How did I know we just couldn't keep Disney out of this?
Looks like it. So, anyhoose. What's with all this metaphysical shit about parallel universes and galaxies, spiral and otherwise?
CHRIS
I'd rather not talk about it. It's a tad on the dark side...like a black hole.
TEENA
That's one of my favorite movies!
TINA
Me too! So underrated. Some of Ernest Borgnine and Yvette Mimieux's best work!
CHRIS
How did I know we just couldn't keep Disney out of this?
TINA
Nice going Chris. You know that's gonna get pulled down in a tight ten.
CHRIS
Whatever. So Tina, tell me. How many products and/or services have you done commercials for?
TINA
Gee, I don't know. I never counted.
TEENA
Oh, hey Tina, 'memba this? Was it our first?
Nice going Chris. You know that's gonna get pulled down in a tight ten.
CHRIS
Whatever. So Tina, tell me. How many products and/or services have you done commercials for?
TINA
Gee, I don't know. I never counted.
TEENA
Oh, hey Tina, 'memba this? Was it our first?
TEENA
Oh, wow! Oh, Tina; I loved that vest! Whatever happened to that vest?
TINA
Stop talking to me! Who are you?
TEENA
I'm you, Tina.
TINA
No. I'm me!
TEENA
(Singing) I am she as you are she and you are me and we are all together. I am the egg m'aam. I am the--
TINA
The Beatles? Sixty years ago called. They want their song back.
CHRIS
Tina, do you think Lorne Michaels is in on who "the walrus" really was? Or is?
TINA
Trust me. You don't want to know if he knows.
CHRIS
Works for me! So, anyways. By my count; if you don't include that questionable financial institution; you've officially plugged four things: Garnier hair care, American Express, All-State Insurance and now Booking.com!
TINA
Mutual Savings Bank is a highly trusted organization serving the southside of Indianapolis for over one hundred and thirty years! With some of the highest interest rates in the great state of Indiana!
TEENA
I got an AM/FM alarm-clock radio when I opened my account!
CHRIS
Did that Mutual Savings hair-do lead to the Garnier gig?
Oh, wow! Oh, Tina; I loved that vest! Whatever happened to that vest?
TINA
Stop talking to me! Who are you?
TEENA
I'm you, Tina.
TINA
No. I'm me!
TEENA
(Singing) I am she as you are she and you are me and we are all together. I am the egg m'aam. I am the--
TINA
The Beatles? Sixty years ago called. They want their song back.
CHRIS
Tina, do you think Lorne Michaels is in on who "the walrus" really was? Or is?
TINA
Trust me. You don't want to know if he knows.
CHRIS
Works for me! So, anyways. By my count; if you don't include that questionable financial institution; you've officially plugged four things: Garnier hair care, American Express, All-State Insurance and now Booking.com!
TINA
Mutual Savings Bank is a highly trusted organization serving the southside of Indianapolis for over one hundred and thirty years! With some of the highest interest rates in the great state of Indiana!
TEENA
I got an AM/FM alarm-clock radio when I opened my account!
CHRIS
Did that Mutual Savings hair-do lead to the Garnier gig?
TINA
Ah, no. No it didn't. Why are we talking about this?
CHRIS
I know, I, for one, am interested in these sorts of things. Like, did you really think you could pull off chartreuse? Was that really Garnier hair goo in your hair at the 12 second mark? Did you actually apply the product yourself and achieve those stunning Rodeo Drive results in your own bathroom? Did you realize the music in this spot sounds almost exactly like the music from "The Tony Lacey Party" scene in Annie Hall?
TINA
I never saw that.
CHRIS
Oh please. You saw it. In its original theatrical run. I saw it at the Camp LeJeune Marine Corps. base drive-in! We're like the same age.
TEENA
We are? I thought you were fifty-eight...
CHRIS
I meant the other Tina. And by the way, other Tina, you totally owned that chartreuse blouse! And you looked amaze-balls! Who did the lighting? It really is EVERYTHING, isn't it?
TINA
Do you think flattery is going to get you anywhere with me?
CHRIS
I suppose that depends on where we're trying to get. Wink, wink! Oh, and speaking of lighting--I just found the most amazing place for awesome-sauce, totally specktack pix!
TEENA & TINA
(Simultaneously)
WHERE!??!
CHRIS
Kroger's supermarket!
TINA
Oh. Really? We used to get our midnight munchies there when I was in college. I thought the lighting was harsh.
CHRIS
Well, you were stoned...
TINA
Now you're making assumptions. Do you really think the gal in that Mutual Savings Bank did drugs?
TEENA & CHRIS
(Simultaneously) Yes!
TEENA
You know, Kroger's in-store brand is really pretty good. Their vanilla ice cream is the bomb!
CHRIS
I know, right! And so affordable. It's like five bucks for a tub. A tub!
TINA
So glad you two get off on buddy ice-cream; but I'm about to leave, 'cuz I have way better things to do.
TEENA
Hang out with Amy Poehler? ...hate to tell you Tina, but she talks about you behind your back.
TINA
Bull! You're just trying to get in my head. You're trying to psych me out!
CHRIS
Well, she is a Masshole, Tina...
TEENA
Yeah. That broad is from Burlington. They had a Building 19 there!
CHRIS
Building 19 and a half, wasn't it?
TEENA
Yeah--
TINA
You know, against my better wishes and common sense impulses; I'm going to continue this coversation. (Ahems). So, tell me Chris, about this Kroger photo-op.
CHRIS
I knew you'd want to hear this! So, the other day I'm in the beer aisle and they have this closed-circuit monitor hanging down from the ceiling. But it comes down to eye level. Why? Well, when you approach it, it turns on and shows you an image of yourself, in the aisle; and a message reading "Recording in Progress" flashes at the bottom.
TEENA
Chris, you were on TV?!!?
CHRIS
Well, yes...but just in the Kroger beer aisle.
TEENA
You should be on real TV!
CHRIS
Well, shucks. Gee, thanks Teena. And you know...I have done my fair share of local commercials...
TINA
So, it's okay for you to shill, but not me?
CHRIS
I'm not a multi-millionairess, Tina. But I don't judge. So, here's me on Kroger TV!!!
Ah, no. No it didn't. Why are we talking about this?
CHRIS
I know, I, for one, am interested in these sorts of things. Like, did you really think you could pull off chartreuse? Was that really Garnier hair goo in your hair at the 12 second mark? Did you actually apply the product yourself and achieve those stunning Rodeo Drive results in your own bathroom? Did you realize the music in this spot sounds almost exactly like the music from "The Tony Lacey Party" scene in Annie Hall?
TINA
I never saw that.
CHRIS
Oh please. You saw it. In its original theatrical run. I saw it at the Camp LeJeune Marine Corps. base drive-in! We're like the same age.
TEENA
We are? I thought you were fifty-eight...
CHRIS
I meant the other Tina. And by the way, other Tina, you totally owned that chartreuse blouse! And you looked amaze-balls! Who did the lighting? It really is EVERYTHING, isn't it?
TINA
Do you think flattery is going to get you anywhere with me?
CHRIS
I suppose that depends on where we're trying to get. Wink, wink! Oh, and speaking of lighting--I just found the most amazing place for awesome-sauce, totally specktack pix!
TEENA & TINA
(Simultaneously)
WHERE!??!
CHRIS
Kroger's supermarket!
TINA
Oh. Really? We used to get our midnight munchies there when I was in college. I thought the lighting was harsh.
CHRIS
Well, you were stoned...
TINA
Now you're making assumptions. Do you really think the gal in that Mutual Savings Bank did drugs?
TEENA & CHRIS
(Simultaneously) Yes!
TEENA
You know, Kroger's in-store brand is really pretty good. Their vanilla ice cream is the bomb!
CHRIS
I know, right! And so affordable. It's like five bucks for a tub. A tub!
TINA
So glad you two get off on buddy ice-cream; but I'm about to leave, 'cuz I have way better things to do.
TEENA
Hang out with Amy Poehler? ...hate to tell you Tina, but she talks about you behind your back.
TINA
Bull! You're just trying to get in my head. You're trying to psych me out!
CHRIS
Well, she is a Masshole, Tina...
TEENA
Yeah. That broad is from Burlington. They had a Building 19 there!
CHRIS
Building 19 and a half, wasn't it?
TEENA
Yeah--
TINA
You know, against my better wishes and common sense impulses; I'm going to continue this coversation. (Ahems). So, tell me Chris, about this Kroger photo-op.
CHRIS
I knew you'd want to hear this! So, the other day I'm in the beer aisle and they have this closed-circuit monitor hanging down from the ceiling. But it comes down to eye level. Why? Well, when you approach it, it turns on and shows you an image of yourself, in the aisle; and a message reading "Recording in Progress" flashes at the bottom.
TEENA
Chris, you were on TV?!!?
CHRIS
Well, yes...but just in the Kroger beer aisle.
TEENA
You should be on real TV!
CHRIS
Well, shucks. Gee, thanks Teena. And you know...I have done my fair share of local commercials...
TINA
So, it's okay for you to shill, but not me?
CHRIS
I'm not a multi-millionairess, Tina. But I don't judge. So, here's me on Kroger TV!!!
TINA
Hmmmm...I gotta admit...not bad...
CHRIS
Do you think I look a little like George Clooney there, Tina?
TINA
Sure. The Kroger version.
TEENA
Your skin looks dewey fresh, Chris; and your eyes really pop! And I love that jacket!
CHRIS
It's vintage Calvin Klein.
TINA
Oh, I just had dinner with Calvin Klein the other night. The actual person.
CHRIS
I had a bit of a blemish on my nose; but otherwise, this is un-retouched. I'm almost sixty and I still get zits. And usually right on the end of my nose.
TINA
Okay. I really could care less about your experiences with adult acne. I'm outie!
CHRIS
Well, running away from this isn't going to change the fact that you were inspired by me.
TINA
Oh, I was?
TEENA
Well, weren't you?
TINA
You stay out of this. So, you really think, Chris, that I need to troll the web to find comedic inspiration? How do you think I got to be a millionairess? I can come up with my own ideas. That's why they pay me the Big Bucks.
CHRIS
Well, I am funnier than you.
TINA
Excuse me?
CHRIS
You heard me.
TEENA
Yeah, you heard him.
TINA
You think you're funnier than me? Well, pal, you keep the word funnier out your effin' mouth!
Tina attempts to slap Chris, but he ducks and she nails Teena.
TEENA
Why you!
Tina and Teena proceed to have a rousing Girl Fight. Pillows appear and it turns into a Sensual Pillow Fight.
Hmmmm...I gotta admit...not bad...
CHRIS
Do you think I look a little like George Clooney there, Tina?
TINA
Sure. The Kroger version.
TEENA
Your skin looks dewey fresh, Chris; and your eyes really pop! And I love that jacket!
CHRIS
It's vintage Calvin Klein.
TINA
Oh, I just had dinner with Calvin Klein the other night. The actual person.
CHRIS
I had a bit of a blemish on my nose; but otherwise, this is un-retouched. I'm almost sixty and I still get zits. And usually right on the end of my nose.
TINA
Okay. I really could care less about your experiences with adult acne. I'm outie!
CHRIS
Well, running away from this isn't going to change the fact that you were inspired by me.
TINA
Oh, I was?
TEENA
Well, weren't you?
TINA
You stay out of this. So, you really think, Chris, that I need to troll the web to find comedic inspiration? How do you think I got to be a millionairess? I can come up with my own ideas. That's why they pay me the Big Bucks.
CHRIS
Well, I am funnier than you.
TINA
Excuse me?
CHRIS
You heard me.
TEENA
Yeah, you heard him.
TINA
You think you're funnier than me? Well, pal, you keep the word funnier out your effin' mouth!
Tina attempts to slap Chris, but he ducks and she nails Teena.
TEENA
Why you!
Tina and Teena proceed to have a rousing Girl Fight. Pillows appear and it turns into a Sensual Pillow Fight.
CHRIS
Tina, you're at WAR with yourself!
At this point, AMY POEHLER, KATE MCKINNON and AUBREY PLAZA rush in. We hear the DING-DING of a trip gong:
Tina, you're at WAR with yourself!
At this point, AMY POEHLER, KATE MCKINNON and AUBREY PLAZA rush in. We hear the DING-DING of a trip gong:
AMY POEHLER
Teenaz, please!
KATE MCKINNON
Don't stop them, this is hot! I'll take this over Mayo Kitty, any day!
AUBREY PLAZA
Damn, straight!
AMY
This is a disgusting display of the male gaze!
CHRIS
I think you mean "the male gays"!
AMY
Ladies, put some clothes on! We must restore decorum! Put these robes on!
SNL "Five Timers Club" robes are draped over the Tinas and they retreat to their corners.
AMY
Now what's this all about?
TEENA
Chris says he's funnier than Tina.
AMY
And just who the fuck is this "Chris"?
CHRIS
That would be me. Nice to meet you Amy. I'm from Saugus!
AMY
The town with the orange dinosaur?
CHRIS
Yes!
AMY
I wouldn't brag about it.
CHRIS
And just what's so great about Burlington?
AMY
Well, let's see...ah...uhhhmmm....well...there's the...uhh....
TINA
The mall. It has a Nordstrom's!
Teenaz, please!
KATE MCKINNON
Don't stop them, this is hot! I'll take this over Mayo Kitty, any day!
AUBREY PLAZA
Damn, straight!
AMY
This is a disgusting display of the male gaze!
CHRIS
I think you mean "the male gays"!
AMY
Ladies, put some clothes on! We must restore decorum! Put these robes on!
SNL "Five Timers Club" robes are draped over the Tinas and they retreat to their corners.
AMY
Now what's this all about?
TEENA
Chris says he's funnier than Tina.
AMY
And just who the fuck is this "Chris"?
CHRIS
That would be me. Nice to meet you Amy. I'm from Saugus!
AMY
The town with the orange dinosaur?
CHRIS
Yes!
AMY
I wouldn't brag about it.
CHRIS
And just what's so great about Burlington?
AMY
Well, let's see...ah...uhhhmmm....well...there's the...uhh....
TINA
The mall. It has a Nordstrom's!
CHRIS
Now, can I ask you gals a few questions?
KATE
Sure, if you'll stop calling us "gals."
CHRIS
Sure. Now you dames all have a lot in common. In fact, in many ways, intersecting careers. And now, mucho exposure in television commercials; and at least three of you have gone all the way to the Superbowl, Clarice. So, do you share; or can you recommend an agent that specializes in this field? And by field, I don't necessarily mean football, am I right ladies?
We hear HALF-HEARTED TITTERS from the gals--I mean Women. Strong, independent, WOMEN.
AUBREY
Ah, sure Chris. We all work a lot with Sammy "Stets" Tubbs. And did you know "Tina" means "tub," in Spanish?
ALL
(Overlapping) Really....wow....gee, who knew? I had no idea...you don't say...I don't remember that in Spanish class...etc.
Now, can I ask you gals a few questions?
KATE
Sure, if you'll stop calling us "gals."
CHRIS
Sure. Now you dames all have a lot in common. In fact, in many ways, intersecting careers. And now, mucho exposure in television commercials; and at least three of you have gone all the way to the Superbowl, Clarice. So, do you share; or can you recommend an agent that specializes in this field? And by field, I don't necessarily mean football, am I right ladies?
We hear HALF-HEARTED TITTERS from the gals--I mean Women. Strong, independent, WOMEN.
AUBREY
Ah, sure Chris. We all work a lot with Sammy "Stets" Tubbs. And did you know "Tina" means "tub," in Spanish?
ALL
(Overlapping) Really....wow....gee, who knew? I had no idea...you don't say...I don't remember that in Spanish class...etc.
CHRIS
I really like his glasses. Oh, hey...I just got a million dollar idea!
TEENA
What's that Chris?
CHRIS
I don't want to say; unless I can get a guaranteed finder's fee...Tina?
TINA
Sure. Whatever you want Chris.
CHRIS
Just sign here on this cocktail napkin.
Tina scribbles something on the napkin.
CHRIS
Okay. Tina, I can't believe you haven't already thought of this.
TINA
(SIGHS) What...
CHRIS
Why, it's as plain as the nose on your face!
ALL
What?
CHRIS
Glasses! Tina needs to launch a line of eyewear; just like Jamie Foxx and Sofia Vagaria and Eugene Levy Jr. and Lisa Earlobe, et. al.!
TINA
Say, that is a good idea...
CHRIS
Well, that band-wagon is starting to get crowded. You better get crakin'!
TINA
I'm calling Stets now!
CHRIS
That is phat, grrrlll! And that'll be a quarter of a million dollars please--
TINA
Hold that thought; his secretary just put me through.
KATE
Well, I, for one, am waiting to hear how you are funnier than Tina, Chris.
CHRIS
Well, I'm glad you asked Kate. And I'll tell you why, after this word from our sponsor.
I really like his glasses. Oh, hey...I just got a million dollar idea!
TEENA
What's that Chris?
CHRIS
I don't want to say; unless I can get a guaranteed finder's fee...Tina?
TINA
Sure. Whatever you want Chris.
CHRIS
Just sign here on this cocktail napkin.
Tina scribbles something on the napkin.
CHRIS
Okay. Tina, I can't believe you haven't already thought of this.
TINA
(SIGHS) What...
CHRIS
Why, it's as plain as the nose on your face!
ALL
What?
CHRIS
Glasses! Tina needs to launch a line of eyewear; just like Jamie Foxx and Sofia Vagaria and Eugene Levy Jr. and Lisa Earlobe, et. al.!
TINA
Say, that is a good idea...
CHRIS
Well, that band-wagon is starting to get crowded. You better get crakin'!
TINA
I'm calling Stets now!
CHRIS
That is phat, grrrlll! And that'll be a quarter of a million dollars please--
TINA
Hold that thought; his secretary just put me through.
KATE
Well, I, for one, am waiting to hear how you are funnier than Tina, Chris.
CHRIS
Well, I'm glad you asked Kate. And I'll tell you why, after this word from our sponsor.
So, ah, this little discourse seems like it's going to go on for some time longer than I'd planned (women! am I right people?).
Please see: Tinas and Me: or Let's Get Metaphysical: Part 2
CFR 2/16/24
Please see: Tinas and Me: or Let's Get Metaphysical: Part 2
CFR 2/16/24