Bob, can we just get this out of the way first? You look almost exactly like Drew Carey:
Or maybe we should say: EXACTLY.
But, that's really neither here nor there. But who does Drew Carey look like, dressed as Santa Claus? Well, he doesn't look like Santa Claus. And he doesn't really look like Drew Carey. So, could we split the difference and say he looks like Bob Zemeckis "motion captured" as Santa Claus? I guess we could...
But, that's really neither here nor there. But who does Drew Carey look like, dressed as Santa Claus? Well, he doesn't look like Santa Claus. And he doesn't really look like Drew Carey. So, could we split the difference and say he looks like Bob Zemeckis "motion captured" as Santa Claus? I guess we could...
Which, I guess this means that we have to drag Tom Hanks into this. And by that I mean that I am dragging Mr. Hanks into this. You're certainly not Mr. Zemeckis. It seems as though maybe Tom is dragging you into things! Like a proposed sequel to The Polar Express. Or The Bi-Polar Express, as I cheekily call it. Or The Bi-Curious-Polar Express (wasnt' that one of Bob Guccione's "pet" projects?). I jest!
But seriously...
Did Tom Hanks play Santa in The Polar Express? 'Cuz that doesn't really look like him, no matter how you cut the mustard. And by mustard, I mean, computer generated actors. I just read Tom is joining you once again for a feature to be released later this year called There. No wait, Here; which I just learned of. I also learned it's going to feature A/I "face swapping" and "de-aging."
Mr. Zemeckis.
Mr. Hanks.
Ms. Robin "Jenny" Wright.
Can I ask you to please not do this?
Do what Chris?
Return To the Valley of the Uncanny?
What's "The Return to the Valley of the Uncanny," Chris?
It's a place that nobody really wants to go to guys; which you've proven again and again; with features like Mars Needs Moms and Jim Carey as Ebeneezer Scrooge. Oh; and Beowulf (more on that later).
But Chris, The Polar Express is a beloved Holiday Classic. We daresay, "HOW DARE YOU!??!"
No wait. Please, don't get me wrong, beloved directors/slash/actors/slash/producers/slash/Big Wigs. I cherish much of your work! As a matter of fact, I watched the beloved Forrest Gump again last night and dragged my virgin husband, kicking and screaming, to Greenbow, Alabama! Let's reminisce!
But seriously...
Did Tom Hanks play Santa in The Polar Express? 'Cuz that doesn't really look like him, no matter how you cut the mustard. And by mustard, I mean, computer generated actors. I just read Tom is joining you once again for a feature to be released later this year called There. No wait, Here; which I just learned of. I also learned it's going to feature A/I "face swapping" and "de-aging."
Mr. Zemeckis.
Mr. Hanks.
Ms. Robin "Jenny" Wright.
Can I ask you to please not do this?
Do what Chris?
Return To the Valley of the Uncanny?
What's "The Return to the Valley of the Uncanny," Chris?
It's a place that nobody really wants to go to guys; which you've proven again and again; with features like Mars Needs Moms and Jim Carey as Ebeneezer Scrooge. Oh; and Beowulf (more on that later).
But Chris, The Polar Express is a beloved Holiday Classic. We daresay, "HOW DARE YOU!??!"
No wait. Please, don't get me wrong, beloved directors/slash/actors/slash/producers/slash/Big Wigs. I cherish much of your work! As a matter of fact, I watched the beloved Forrest Gump again last night and dragged my virgin husband, kicking and screaming, to Greenbow, Alabama! Let's reminisce!
I've never seen that before. It's kind of trippy! It doesn't have the Alan Silvestri score and there are bits of dialogue and shots that aren't in the final cut. Here's an interesting tidbit...
Bob, I may have watched an early screening of Forrest Gump with you! Or maybe even you Tom! Or maybe BOTH of you! I remember it like it was yesterday...
So, when I first became a Paramount page, it was June of 1993. Forrest Gump (with a little retroactive-retrofitted-research) was in pre-production. In fact, I was looking at the DVD extras on my FG disc and found this piece of video from that very month:
Bob, I may have watched an early screening of Forrest Gump with you! Or maybe even you Tom! Or maybe BOTH of you! I remember it like it was yesterday...
So, when I first became a Paramount page, it was June of 1993. Forrest Gump (with a little retroactive-retrofitted-research) was in pre-production. In fact, I was looking at the DVD extras on my FG disc and found this piece of video from that very month:
Yes, June 1st, 1993. It was a Tuesday. I'd been hired at this point; but I don't think I'd had my first "Page Class" yet. But maybe I was on the lot at the same time they were filming this. I guess Tom had the roll (role! although Tom sure was on a "roll" in 1993!) on lockdown; but Robin had to be tested. Maybe the producers were concerned that she was coming off of Toys. Or Santa Barbara.
I think she touches her face a little too much in the FG screen-test; but what do I know? She got the part. You see, you learn something new every day. I had no idea Robin was on Santa Barbara. And I would occasionally watch it. I do recall, quite vividly, the actress who played her sister: Marcy Walker. She had played villainous "Liza Colby" on All My Children.
Getting back on track...
So, when I was a page, I quickly got bored (kind of) of giving three hour tours (three hour tours!). I would do things pages were not supposed to do. Were told not to do. Things like taking tour groups on to sets (we were only supposed to "linger" outside of soundstage doorways). After a few months of showing people the large swaths of beige cement that comprised soundstage walls, I started bringing them on to sets. Not if the set was "hot" of course; but if the door happened to be open and nobody was filming. What could it hurt? Like Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, for example. The main set, which was a space station, was often sitting empty. I would bring smaller tour groups on to the set and say things like: "Okay, feel free to look around for a while. Please don't break anything. I'll meet you at the door in twenty minutes." I can't tell you how far this verboten behavior went towards thrilling tourists and getting me twenty minutes closer to lunch without having to babble about Gloria Swanson and the HOLLYWOOD sign.
Sometimes, I would go to the Paramount Theater, which was on the lot and see if the doors were open. This theater was a full-sized movie theater. Not huge, but not small either. Sometimes I would go in and it would be dark and something would be screening. Sometimes raw footage, dailies, rushes, whatever. I would sit in the back row and just watch. No one seemed to care (probably thought I was a janitor or something). One time I went in and there were like two people watching something. A finished product. All scored and edited and theater ready. The people turned, seemed unconcerned and then turned back to the screen. I watched. "Oh," I thought, "it's a jungle. 60's pop rock. Oh, is that Tom Hanks in an Army uniform? Oh, it's Viet Nam and it's raining."
And then the rain stopped. And I was transfixed. I knew I was watching something amazing. Great even. Dare we say: AN AMERICAN CLASSIC?
So, when I was a page, I quickly got bored (kind of) of giving three hour tours (three hour tours!). I would do things pages were not supposed to do. Were told not to do. Things like taking tour groups on to sets (we were only supposed to "linger" outside of soundstage doorways). After a few months of showing people the large swaths of beige cement that comprised soundstage walls, I started bringing them on to sets. Not if the set was "hot" of course; but if the door happened to be open and nobody was filming. What could it hurt? Like Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, for example. The main set, which was a space station, was often sitting empty. I would bring smaller tour groups on to the set and say things like: "Okay, feel free to look around for a while. Please don't break anything. I'll meet you at the door in twenty minutes." I can't tell you how far this verboten behavior went towards thrilling tourists and getting me twenty minutes closer to lunch without having to babble about Gloria Swanson and the HOLLYWOOD sign.
Sometimes, I would go to the Paramount Theater, which was on the lot and see if the doors were open. This theater was a full-sized movie theater. Not huge, but not small either. Sometimes I would go in and it would be dark and something would be screening. Sometimes raw footage, dailies, rushes, whatever. I would sit in the back row and just watch. No one seemed to care (probably thought I was a janitor or something). One time I went in and there were like two people watching something. A finished product. All scored and edited and theater ready. The people turned, seemed unconcerned and then turned back to the screen. I watched. "Oh," I thought, "it's a jungle. 60's pop rock. Oh, is that Tom Hanks in an Army uniform? Oh, it's Viet Nam and it's raining."
And then the rain stopped. And I was transfixed. I knew I was watching something amazing. Great even. Dare we say: AN AMERICAN CLASSIC?
And this was way before the movie was officially released. This clip starts exactly where I came in and ends exactly when I left (I didn't want to push my luck). I wonder to this day who the two figures were that were watching. Was it you Rob? And was Tom with you? I don't know; but I feel like I was in on movie history before it was movie history. Before it became a cultural signpost. Sneaks of the World, Unite!
But back, now, not to the future (or perhaps, yes, to the future); but to The Polar Express and it's ilk. And by "ilk" I mean computer generated "actors." Let me first state, Mr. Zemeckis, that I have seen the bulk of your cinematic output, whether that be as writer, producer, director, et. al. So yes, I have seen The Polar Express. I didn't see it at the movies; but rather, watched it one holiday with family members on a super large screen TV. And, to be honest, it was a problematic view. I was looking forward to it. I had seen the movie trailers and the TV spots and so on. I liked the stylized look of the animation. It's big Star was Tom Hanks (I don't think I have to reiterate my fandom for Mr. Hanks, here; let's just say it was a given). I had loved the first adaptation of Chris Van Allsburg's work: Jumanji. So, I was looking forward to watching The Polar Express. And then, the film began to unspool. But before I get into that; can I just say that Chris Van Allsburg is a doll? I just looked him up for the first time. He's got that nerdy-sexy-tweedy-sweater vest-academic thing going on! Big Time! He's a writer and an illustrator! Let's ogle* Chris!
But back, now, not to the future (or perhaps, yes, to the future); but to The Polar Express and it's ilk. And by "ilk" I mean computer generated "actors." Let me first state, Mr. Zemeckis, that I have seen the bulk of your cinematic output, whether that be as writer, producer, director, et. al. So yes, I have seen The Polar Express. I didn't see it at the movies; but rather, watched it one holiday with family members on a super large screen TV. And, to be honest, it was a problematic view. I was looking forward to it. I had seen the movie trailers and the TV spots and so on. I liked the stylized look of the animation. It's big Star was Tom Hanks (I don't think I have to reiterate my fandom for Mr. Hanks, here; let's just say it was a given). I had loved the first adaptation of Chris Van Allsburg's work: Jumanji. So, I was looking forward to watching The Polar Express. And then, the film began to unspool. But before I get into that; can I just say that Chris Van Allsburg is a doll? I just looked him up for the first time. He's got that nerdy-sexy-tweedy-sweater vest-academic thing going on! Big Time! He's a writer and an illustrator! Let's ogle* Chris!
I'd take a look at his etchings, any time! I couldn't find any pictures of him "shirtless." :(
But I did find pictures of this guy, not just shirtless; but pantless:
But I did find pictures of this guy, not just shirtless; but pantless:
But again, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's take a look at a clip from TPE and meet back here in fifteen minutes or so!
Okay, I haven't seen any of this movie since I first saw it, some ten plus years ago; and I have to say, all those initial reactions have remained unchanged. All "the feels" came flooding back and they're "feels" I never hope to feel again. I'm sorry fellahs, but I just gotta be honest here. My takeaway is that those kids are all dead and on an express train to Hell. Or at least purgatory. Why don't their faces make expressions. Why do any smiles we see seem demonic? Why does one character use the word "cozy" here when absolutely NOTHING about this is "cozy"; including Tom Hanks; who is not just usually "cozy" but "cuddly" as well. How did you manage to make Tom Hanks terrifying? Why does that kid backtrack in the snow like the kid from The Shining? Why is so much emphasis put on the character's eyes when all of their eyes seem so utterly devoid of life? Iris' fluctuate, you know that don't you? Actually, this brings up a lot of even DARKER things that I'm not going to express(!) here. Who on Earth wants a sequel to this? I'll just say that my take on this movie aligns pretty squarely with "Cinema-Sins"; so let's take a look at that and meet back here in about fifteen more minutes.
I can see that this is going to go on for a while, much like The Polar Express, so, please see the next installment: An Open Letter To Bob, Tom, Robin and Santa: Part 2.
CFR 4/25/24
CFR 4/25/24