An Open Letter to Robert Zemeckis, et. al. / Part 3

So, after The Polar Express, the filmgoing public got Beowulf in 2007.  But did we really want it?  Was it Woody Allen who said, "Just don't take any class where they make you read Beowulf..."

So, this was a Paramount joint.  How on Earth did you get Paramount to pony up 150 million smackers to make a movie version of a piece of literature that was universally hated by American kids, who'd had it foisted upon them by the educational system for some reason?  I mean, I could understand if this was released in Norway...but it wasn't; which maybe explains why they're the "happiest nation on Earth."  Oh, wait...or is that Finland?  Paramount must've signed the check as they made a 630 million dollar profit on Forrest Gump.  Seems like they threw you a bone Bob; 'cuz in my first hand experience, that particular dream factory usually forgot their wallet when it came time to pay for lunch!
So you doubled down on the "motion capture" with Beowulf.  You too Ms. Wright.  You were in this.  Or, rather, an unreasonable facsimilie of you was in this.

Queen Beowulf, step awaay from the harp.

Actually, it's a pretty song, nicely sung (did you supply the singing voice, Robin?); but what's with the bizarre cutaway?  I mean, you're already making me watch motion capture; couldn't you at least just tell the story normally?  And why was Ray Winstone playing Beowulf?  Wasn't he a Brit known for playing Brit gangsters up to that point?  Thinking back on Beowulf, which, yes, I actually saw at a theater; I recall thinking they did a really good job of making Ray look like Chris Hemsworth (although he was just starting out then, so maybe I was thinking Brad Pitt?).  But I was definitely thinking of British gangsters the entire time I was watching the movie.  I mean, there wasn't a Skaarsgaard that couldn't have taken the role?  Alexander maybe?

No, he was just starting out then.  How about the actual Brad Pitt?

He'd just done the blonde classic hero thing in Troy, a few years before.  That flopped too, didn't it?  No, wait; it was a huge hit.  Maybe Brad was offered the role of Beowulf and was like: "Nah, been there, done that."  I wonder if Brad trimmed his bush for Troy.  He must've.  Maybe that's why he didn't want to do Beowulf because he read the script and saw there was a nude scene and his bush had taken a really long time to grow back.  Not realizing his actual bush would not be on camera, he passed.  And speaking of Beowulf's bush not being on camera...

So, Beowulf, in his big battle with Grendel (the villain/monster), decides to undertake this undertaking sans underthings.  In other words: STARK NAKED.  So, does that mean we got to see this blonde cartoon hunk strutting through the long-house/yurt/grubehus; his personal sword swinging along right beside Hrunting?  No.  It means the filmmakers took extreme measures to insure we never got any kind of glimpse of Beowulf's tackle sitch. They bent over backwards to make sure Beowulf never bent over forwards. Oh let's just face it: we never get to see his schlong and klackers.  Or his taint.  Or his B.O.B.B. (back of ball bag). Or his chocolate starfish.  Or a full on ass shot.  Am I being crude? Yes.  Yes I am.  But don't make me pay ten bucks to sit through this and then tease me with a nude scene and then not show me the goods.  That one's on you Bob.  And you kind of cheated by hiring then unknown Alan Ritchson to be the motion you captured for Beowulf's figure (I guess Ray just supplied the voice).  Speaking of voices.  Alan, who has gone on to show biz success; first hit the map with American Idol, no less.  What a strange world we live in.

You should've let Alan do the singing voice and have had a duet with Queen Beowulf.  Oh, her name is actually "Wealhtheow."  What's with that extra "H" in the middle?  Did the poor screenwriter have to keep going back and putting the extraneous "H" back in when they forgot?  Who is "Anonymous"; one of the writers listed in the credits?  The Ancient Elders of Valhalla?  Or Bob Zemeckis?
Actually, this movie didn't flop.  It wasn't some crazy hit; but it did okay in the long run.  Not so much your next feature; and I think the less we say about this, the better.  2009's A Christmas Carol. Released by The Walt Disney Company.  I know this story, which I dearly love, literally has horror elements.  But one of those, I'm thinking, really shouldn't be Scrooge's face.  Here are some depictions of Scrooge, via the movies, over the years:

You know, so the idea is that you hire an actor who is not neccessarily drop-dead handsome; but yeah, kind of handsome. "Ugg" him up for the nasty parts; and then make him pretty for the flashbacks.  More or less.  You don't get Jim Carrey; who I would argue is handsome; and then do this to his face:

I'm sorry; but that is so unrelentingly F***ing ugly, I simply can't watch the movie because of it.  And I gave it the old college try.  Even in the parts where Jim is not supposed to be ugly, he's still ugly:

Shit, you even managed to make the HOT, fun-loving, ghost-Daddy ugly and off-putting:

I guess this is round-a-bout way of saying: "Please stop doing this."  Or maybe, again, it should be: "Why do you keep doing this?"  I mean, you keep hiring the same actors over and over again; so clearly you love them.  So why wouldn't you want to see their real faces emoting in these roles?  I really do not get it.  And now you're going to do it again with Here or There or whatever it is.  What is "face swapping"?  (It can't be good).  Why would anyone's face need to be swapped, outside of a Face/Off sequel?

Speaking of FACE/OFF, which is another Paramount joint...this might be the one project where your motion capture obsession might just come in handy, Bob!  Since you have that "in" with P-Mount, I think you should put in your bid ASAP!  I mean, Nick Cage is having a career renaissance (speaking of doing original material!) and John Travolta (whose STAR will simply never dim (but could use a jushz right now) is ripe for a nice juicy hit.  Bob, I think they're your man!  And let's drag Tom Hanks into this.  He could be the down on his luck private dick that gets called in to hunt them down.  Actually, I've never seen FACE/OFF; but I"m guessing it will require "face swapping"!
Moving on...
Flight (2012):  Netflixed and chilled this one.  Denzel Washington flying a jumbo jet upside down.  Didn't The Concorde: Airport '79 aleready cover that?  Don't you miss those movies that had the cast photos in a little grid on the poster?  Let's take a look!

Back to FACE/OFF for a minute.  How about we get John and Nick as their original characters and then Tom and then bring in David Naughton as Tom's brother (they run the detective agency together) and the four of them all swap faces!  Since I've never seen the original FACE/OFF, I'm not really sure how serious one is supposed to take it.  Isn't it so over the top that it's camp?  That it's practically a comedy?  That might be the way to go with our sequel.  I'd be happy to collab with you Bob.  Call me: (540) 520-1974 (message and data rates may apply!).
Yes, David Naughton; because I really think he got the short end of the stick when it came to his career.  

The Walk (2015): I'm gonna save this one for last.
Allied (2016): Now, I saw this at the movies.  So you finally did get Brad Pitt!  I liked it a lot.  But I was confused by it.  It didn't really seem to know what it wanted to be.  It was kind of a remake of Above Suspicion; a Joan Crawford/Fred MacMurray vehicle that wasn't particularly popular, even in 1943.

I mean, if you're going to remake a Joan Crawford movie, why not Mildred Pierce or Humoresque or my personal favorite, the amazing, Sudden Fear?

I did love Allied's love scene though.  Although, I got a bit distracted by wondering how you got the camera to fly around the interior of the car.  You may be going overboard with your tech if people are wondering about that while Brad Pitt is about to flash his bush.

Welcome to Marwen (2018):  Now this one was unquestionably original.  Maybe a little too original.  And I like 11 and a half inch fashion dolls.  Myself and Joseph may have been two of the only people on Earth who saw this at the movies. Let's take a look!

Again, we have the uncanny valley problem with the dolls.  They border on scary.  Why couldn't they have simply been really long-legged actresses, as they were all newcomers; I mean, since it was all happening in Steve Carell's mind, anyways?
Oh, here's my Barbie doll movie from the early aughts, if you're interested (WARNING: Contains genital-free sex!):

The Witches (2020):  This was a remake of Nicolas Roeg kid's movie.  Did everyone forget that Nicolas Roeg doesn't make kids movies?  This is as about as much of a kid's movie as The Polar Express.  Gonna put this in with Back to the Future II.  Hard to look at and gave me a headache.
Now let's get back to The Walk (2018).  I FREAKIN' LOVED THIS MOVIE!  Talk about original.  It was a movie about a French tightrope walker who did it between the World Trade Towers.  A niche moment in history if there ever was one.  What the movie really is, is a love letter to New York City and the Towers themselves.  I saw it with Joseph in 2-D and loved it so much; went back by myself to see it again in 3-D.  It was intense!  I heard a lot of people walked out because they couldn't take it.  And I'm afraid of heights!  I was hooked when I saw the teaser trailer.

I thought it was one of the best movies of 2015.  It was certainly my favorite. Now, The Walk only cost 35 million.  I would've guessed three times that.  So this again begs the question, Bob: why are you sending your budgets into the stratosphere with this inexplicable pursuit of what I think we can all agree is an outrageously overpriced gimmick?
I have to thank you though.  You are one of the few major directors who will do unusual material like Welcome to Marwen and The Walk.
Let me pitch a project idea that might tickle your fancy.  It's the story of Klackers; the toy that got taken off the market because of its tendency to explode.  It has a lot of your favorite boxes to check off: imperilled tykes, the late 60's/early 70's, unusual subject matter, quintessential Americana, rags to riches, etc. etc. And these "business model" movies have been all the rage.  Aren't we getting one about Pop-Tarts?
Here's a commercial to get your imagination going:

I know!  Tom Hanks plays the inventor of Klackers and they end up blinding Robin Wright.  He then leaves the toy trade to study to become a doctor in order to restore her sight.  It's kind of a remake of Magnificent Obsession; but in the 70's.  With Klackers.  

And we can have the little photo-grid of the STARS in the cast:

Call me!
Ciao.

​CFR   4/30/24