And I'm going to prove it!
In this blog I am going to create and write the pilot for a brand new sitcom, from scratch, with nothing but random prompts. I will generate, via sticking my finger into a dictionary (or a light socket) words, names, verbs, subjects, etc. I will write these things on scraps of paper, pull them from a hat and then build my sitcom from there. This will require some prep, but I will take you through this, step-by-step (hey, wasn't that a sitcom!??!). So keep visiting and the fun will start soon!
In this blog I am going to create and write the pilot for a brand new sitcom, from scratch, with nothing but random prompts. I will generate, via sticking my finger into a dictionary (or a light socket) words, names, verbs, subjects, etc. I will write these things on scraps of paper, pull them from a hat and then build my sitcom from there. This will require some prep, but I will take you through this, step-by-step (hey, wasn't that a sitcom!??!). So keep visiting and the fun will start soon!
And we're back!
Before we dive into this, I wanted to mention that I have numerous "real" ideas for sitcoms; but I've learned discretion is the better part of cutpursery. I mean, it's not for nothing that Steven Spielberg has a sound-proof meeting room equipped with a Cone of Silence. Am I right people? Yeah, you know who you are.
This is neither here nor there; but, whilst thinking on this topic, I kept developing a sit-com idea for Michael "The Situation" Sorrentino. He kept popping into my head for some reason. Here's the pitch: the show is called The Sitch-Com and it stars Mike as himself, complete with "The Situation" nickname. However, in true sit-com tradition, we change his last name to something very similar. How about Tarantino? That would be perfect because it could also be a running gag on the show. People keep mistaking Mike for Quentin Tarantino and/or asking him if he knows Quentin Tarantino or has ever met him or assumes he's into women's feet. The hilarity begins!
The show starts when Mike is out at a bar with his crazy Italian friends. They hang out at an Irish bar in Rehoboth Beach. In the pilot, Mike becomes smitten with the new bar-maid, a recent Irish immigrant named Rose of Sharon. She's a sassy, fun loving gal; but she does not suffer fools well. And boy does she think Mike is a fool! It's a meet-cute-will-they-or-won't-they type situation. Of course they will, sooner or later! In the meantime, Mike dreams of opening an Italian restaurant. He's a fireman who does most of the cooking for the firehouse. Mike's crazy Italian friends are also fellow firefighters, of course. We also see some of Mike's home-life. He still lives at home with his crazy Italian parents and crazy Italian siblings (to be determined). Mama and Papa could be played by Paul Sorvino and Lainie Kazan. Sis could be played by Mira Sorvino! I love this! The Sitch-Com has a lot of very special episodes. Like the time Mike gets caught in a burning house collapse. Or the time Mike's best friend, who is a firefighter, comes out of the closet. Or the time Rose of Sharon is kidnapped by an IRA splinter group. Or the time Mira goes on a date with an environmentalist and learns about the dangers of over-fishing and coastal erosion. In fact, the show is kind of known for its very special episodes. It may even be a "sit-dram"! That is, of course, if it turns out Mike Sorrentino can actually act. Hey, I'd watch this!
MTV are you listening? Contact me to discuss finder's fees.
Okay, enough of that. So, here's the skinny. I found that random dives into the dictionary were not really the best process for this; so, I recruited my husband to come up with lists of names, surnames, professions and locations. So, he is officially the "co-creator" of the show. The names etc. were then put into separate paper bags and retrieved at random. The first set of names etc. was as follows:
Lorene Mitterand, lawn care service owner from Green Bay, Wisconsin.
And then nine more combinations were drawn. I will list those here; but remember, this initial process is to create the premise and the basic foundation of the show. Here are the other characters and what they do (in the order they came out of the bags):
Natalie Sanders, unemployed factory worker
Golnaz Taft, high-end prostitute
Jabul Dehdashti, state senator
Albert Schmidt, TSA agent
Imogene Gibson, historical house docent
Yoshi Washington, civil engineer
Jack Goldfarb, Ebay seller
William Gowabaza, life-guard
Axel Southward, ariline co-captain
So, there we go. Now, none of this is set in stone. Molding, recombining, tweaking, developing will ensue, in order for the show to have form and make some kind of sense. But here's the basics. Here's the first pitch. Our Show is called:
Cheeseheads
Cheeseheads follows the adventures and misadventures of the "Mitterand Lawn Care and Snow Removal" (a.k.a. Outside Things) company in Green Bay, Wisconsin. The owners of the company are LORENE MITTERAND-SCHMIDT and her husband, ALBERT SCHMIDT. They are both somewhere on the border of late 60's, early 70's. They've been married for many years and their company specializes in landscaping, greenery, flowers, etc. It's something of a catch-all nursery and hardware store. During the cold Wisconsin winter, they switch over to snow plowing and such-like. Picture Kathy Bates as Lorene and Danny Glover as Albert.
Albert has a side gig as a TSA agent at Austin Straubel International Airport where his best friend, AXEL SOUTHWARD, 60'S, is a captain at Wisconsin Central Airways. Axel is often grounded for various hilarious reasons and hangs out a lot at the Mitterand-Schmidt household. Picture John Michael Higgins as Axel:
You can't avoid "tropes" in this game; so let's just steal from the best and admit it. It's homage. Just think of Howard from The Bob Newhart Show and you've pretty much got your Axel. But I'm sure Michael will bring his own stamp to it.
So, we need a sparring partner for Kathy Bates' character. And who spars better than a sister? Nobody! Except maybe an actual sparring partner when you box. So, let's see...Kathy has a busy-body, know-it-all, kinda bitchy (but with a heart of gold) sister. IMOGENE GOLDFARB, late 60's, is Lorene's older sister. She works as a docent at The Hazelwood Historic House in Green Bay. She also sells artisanal cheeses out of the gift-shop. Imogene (or Genie, as she's called) has a real head for cheese. And head cheese! She is also the source for the show's endless supply of cheese jokes. But her cheese wins awards, so don't push it. She is married to JACK GOLDFARB, around the same age as his wife. Imogene will be played by Jane Curtin. Why? Because she's freakin' Jane Curtin and she's perfect for this role. Also, Jane is a good-luck charm whose hits column far outweighs the misses (hell, I even loved the short lived Crumbs that lasted maybe three episodes; she's great in everything! And bonus: she's a Masshole!!!* Come to think of it, so is John Michael Higgins!!!!):
*Please refer to my blog titled "Massholes, Potato-Heads and Yaw Cuzin' From Bawstin" for more information.
So, we need a sparring partner for Kathy Bates' character. And who spars better than a sister? Nobody! Except maybe an actual sparring partner when you box. So, let's see...Kathy has a busy-body, know-it-all, kinda bitchy (but with a heart of gold) sister. IMOGENE GOLDFARB, late 60's, is Lorene's older sister. She works as a docent at The Hazelwood Historic House in Green Bay. She also sells artisanal cheeses out of the gift-shop. Imogene (or Genie, as she's called) has a real head for cheese. And head cheese! She is also the source for the show's endless supply of cheese jokes. But her cheese wins awards, so don't push it. She is married to JACK GOLDFARB, around the same age as his wife. Imogene will be played by Jane Curtin. Why? Because she's freakin' Jane Curtin and she's perfect for this role. Also, Jane is a good-luck charm whose hits column far outweighs the misses (hell, I even loved the short lived Crumbs that lasted maybe three episodes; she's great in everything! And bonus: she's a Masshole!!!* Come to think of it, so is John Michael Higgins!!!!):
*Please refer to my blog titled "Massholes, Potato-Heads and Yaw Cuzin' From Bawstin" for more information.
JACK GOLDFARB, her husband, is retired; but he runs an Ebay selling business out of their garage. Jack is a mercurial, happy-go-lucky type fellow (who unfortunately is also a philanderer). He clashes a lot with his in-laws (kind of an "ants vs. grasshopper" thing). I think that he must be played by none other than...drumroll please...Mr. Jeff Goldblum:
Lorene and Albert have three adult children. Two sons and a daughter. The daughter is the middle child. Her name is TAFT SCHMIDT. She's in her early 30's. Stunningly beautiful, Taft lives in Chicago. She's pursuing a law degree while making ends meet as a high-end call girl (which of course, she is trying to hide from her family at all costs). Actually, being a hooker is more lucrative, she finds, than being a lawyer; but she's aging, so she's got some hard decisions to make. Think Katherine Heigl. In fact, let's cast Katherine. She's perfect for the role. Complicated. Beautiful and comedic. She's a little too old for the role; but she reads younger. And we could save her from ZzzQUILL-land:
Taft's older brother is GIBSON SCHMIDT, 40'S. I'm picturing a Vince Vaughn type. In fact, let's just cast Vince Vaughn (this show is starting to get expensive). Gibson manages the business. He was a jock in high school and was on the road to becoming a professional football player; but he got sidelined by a mystery ailment (to be determined; probably something with a funny name like, Peyronie's disease (his wife call's it "Pepperonie's disease"). Not too bright. Good-natured but a little prone to gloominess. Tries his best to see the bright side. He's obsessed with the Green Bay Packers to the point where he's usually wearing a Packers shirt. Here he is giving the vibe:
Gibson's wife is NATALIE SANDERS-SCHMIDT. Mid 30's. She a true Wisconsin girl, from the country. She's a home-maker and loves it. She and Gibson have two kids (to be determined, and also, only around when the script needs them to be). Natalie is good-natured, fun loving, sweet and kind. A true innocent. Think Georgette from The Mary Tyler Moore Show, except without the lobotomy. Natalie is easy going but she's nobody's doormat. She will go there with the family if pressed. And she's often pressed. Thinking someone like...
Yes, Ms. Jones will do quite nicely.
Okay, so this cast is growing as well as the locales. Clearly this is going to have to be a single-camera show given the deluxe treatment on HBO or some such. Have they ever done a single camera sit-com with an audience? Maybe that could be a very special episode...
So, I keep looking at that picture of the kid in the Packers jersey with the wedge of cheese on his head. He wasn't initially part of this; but now I see he should be (the high school football player part, anyways). So, Gibson and Natalie have two kids. A teen-age boy who's in high school (and on the football team, natch). His name is FRANKIE SCHMIDT. 16 or so. A good kid in general, but he is a teen-ager and a little on the wild side. His dad is putting pressure on him with the whole football schtick. He could be played by a newcomer. How about this fellow? Looks like a STAR to me.
Okay, so this cast is growing as well as the locales. Clearly this is going to have to be a single-camera show given the deluxe treatment on HBO or some such. Have they ever done a single camera sit-com with an audience? Maybe that could be a very special episode...
So, I keep looking at that picture of the kid in the Packers jersey with the wedge of cheese on his head. He wasn't initially part of this; but now I see he should be (the high school football player part, anyways). So, Gibson and Natalie have two kids. A teen-age boy who's in high school (and on the football team, natch). His name is FRANKIE SCHMIDT. 16 or so. A good kid in general, but he is a teen-ager and a little on the wild side. His dad is putting pressure on him with the whole football schtick. He could be played by a newcomer. How about this fellow? Looks like a STAR to me.
And their daughter is named ROCHELLE SCHMIDT. She's twelve and the spitting image of her mom. And get this...she's NOT precocious! Just a sweet and charming young lady:
The youngest sibling of the Schmidt's "the baby brother" is named COLTON SCHMIDT. He's in his late 20's. He's gay and he's an English teacher at the local high school. In fact, his nephew Frankie is in his class (gotta generate those storylines!). He's easy going, charming, good-natured, funny. A tad on the neurotic side. But very masculine and kinda hunky. Why, you'd never know he was gay...not that there's anything wrong with that!!! Think someone like those dudes who star in those Hallmark Channel movies. We could rescue one of them from Christmasland. How about whoever this person is? Works for me:
Like, really works.
His eyebrows are a little too thin though. Like they've been over-plucked. Men, I think, should not "shape" their brows. It never looks right. I mean, if you've got a "unibrow," sure, pluck out the middle ones; but nothing else!
Okay, I just realized something. If Lorene and Albert are a mixed race couple, well their children wouldn't be quite so Caucasian as the actors I've suggested. So, either Lorene was married to a white guy who died, deserted or divorced her; or, she married Albert later on and they adopted. Or, and this is the one I'm going with...Lorene was married to a man before Albert, whom she is now divorced from (to be determined). Her first two kids, Gibson and Taft were with her first husband. She and Albert had Colton. Which means Colton has to be mixed. So, sorry Hallmark dude, we gotta recast (and it certainly ain't gonna be from The Hallmark Channel, right people? How about Brit, Lucien Laviscount? Can he do comedy? Does it matter if he looks like Lucien Laviscount? (Please see pilot script for picture of Mr. Laviscount).
So, that's our main cast! There will of course be peripheral characters, guest stars, recurring characters, special guest stars (Aaron Rodgers makes his sitcom debut in Season 1, Episode 2: Everybody Loves Aaron), etc.
For example, in one episode, Colton goes on a date with a sumo wrestler named YOSHI FUKUMOTO who doesn't speak a word of English. Yoshi is always accompanied by his sister, who interprets for him. She is a precocious twelve year old. Her name is HIMARI FUKUMOTO. She could be played by Neo Baba.
You can see where the hilarity will ensue from that sitch! Also, I will now refer to the situation in sit-com as "sitch." Why? Because I'm sometimes a bit pretentious. And also, very silly.
His eyebrows are a little too thin though. Like they've been over-plucked. Men, I think, should not "shape" their brows. It never looks right. I mean, if you've got a "unibrow," sure, pluck out the middle ones; but nothing else!
Okay, I just realized something. If Lorene and Albert are a mixed race couple, well their children wouldn't be quite so Caucasian as the actors I've suggested. So, either Lorene was married to a white guy who died, deserted or divorced her; or, she married Albert later on and they adopted. Or, and this is the one I'm going with...Lorene was married to a man before Albert, whom she is now divorced from (to be determined). Her first two kids, Gibson and Taft were with her first husband. She and Albert had Colton. Which means Colton has to be mixed. So, sorry Hallmark dude, we gotta recast (and it certainly ain't gonna be from The Hallmark Channel, right people? How about Brit, Lucien Laviscount? Can he do comedy? Does it matter if he looks like Lucien Laviscount? (Please see pilot script for picture of Mr. Laviscount).
So, that's our main cast! There will of course be peripheral characters, guest stars, recurring characters, special guest stars (Aaron Rodgers makes his sitcom debut in Season 1, Episode 2: Everybody Loves Aaron), etc.
For example, in one episode, Colton goes on a date with a sumo wrestler named YOSHI FUKUMOTO who doesn't speak a word of English. Yoshi is always accompanied by his sister, who interprets for him. She is a precocious twelve year old. Her name is HIMARI FUKUMOTO. She could be played by Neo Baba.
You can see where the hilarity will ensue from that sitch! Also, I will now refer to the situation in sit-com as "sitch." Why? Because I'm sometimes a bit pretentious. And also, very silly.
Now, in the title of this blog I stated "anyone can make a sitcom." Weknowdis. But a good one? One that's actually entertaining and truly funny? That remains to be seen. I was going to say that I was going to sign off for a while to go and write this thing; but I told you I'd take you through this, step-by-step. So...I will do that. First thing is THE TEASER.
Now let's get cracking!
Now, in a sit-com script, you have what is called the "teaser" or "cold open." That's when the show just starts with a scene that runs about four or five minutes (often less). It's not even necessarily germane to the plot. The teaser usually leads into the opening credits. However, most networks are so tight right now, they won't indulge that luxury (why? Because they can squeeze another commercial in). Cheeseheads will have opening credits and a theme song. In the tradition of recycling old pop songs (e.g.: "Thank You For Being A Friend" from Golden Girls); I think I've found the perfect one. Certainly old, kind of obscure but still popular. Has lyrics that vaguely refer to the working class vibe of the show and are somewhat ambiguous, I give you: "Sunshine" from 1971 by Jonathan Edwards:
Now let's get cracking!
Now, in a sit-com script, you have what is called the "teaser" or "cold open." That's when the show just starts with a scene that runs about four or five minutes (often less). It's not even necessarily germane to the plot. The teaser usually leads into the opening credits. However, most networks are so tight right now, they won't indulge that luxury (why? Because they can squeeze another commercial in). Cheeseheads will have opening credits and a theme song. In the tradition of recycling old pop songs (e.g.: "Thank You For Being A Friend" from Golden Girls); I think I've found the perfect one. Certainly old, kind of obscure but still popular. Has lyrics that vaguely refer to the working class vibe of the show and are somewhat ambiguous, I give you: "Sunshine" from 1971 by Jonathan Edwards:
Since Weebly doesn't offer font options, I can't type this in "Courier" which is standard for film and TV scripts. And I also don't have tabs, so I can't put the script in traditional format. This will view more like a play script. So...here we go. Excited yet?
(Though they are not usually part of a script--well, they're never part of a script--I will be supplying you with sidenotes in parentheses and in italics. Since we're delving into the creative process, let's share everything! For example: I mentioned above that Taft Schmidt is pursuing a law degree; but that she's also nearing her mid-30's. Well, if Taft is in her mid-30's she's been pursuing that law degree for a long time. If she's not a lawyer yet, she would've had to have failed the Bar Exam a good twenty times! Which is pretty funny. However, it would also mean that she's not very bright; which she is--bright, I mean. So, I'm going to change Taft's backstory from law, to cooking. She'd pursued a master's degree in cooking, opened her own restaurant right before Covid hit and then went under. Which is why she's fallen back on prostitution (which secretly she really enjoys and is really good at. The business part I mean...)
Cheeseheads
Pilot
by Christopher Reidy and J.R. Butts
Turquoise Crow Productions
September 9, 2021
TEASER
INT. TAFT SCHMIDT'S APT. CHICAGO -MORNING
TAFT SCHMIDT, 30something, blonde and super-model pretty, climbs out from beneath her comforter and searches for her phone which is ringing. She falls out of the bed and onto the floor and finds the phone under a brassiere. She grabs it and answers.
TAFT
Hello? What? What time is it? Oh God! I'm so sorry. I can be there in twenty minutes--can you wait? Oh, listen Laraine, I'm so sorry. Yes. I'll see you when I get there. (She clicks the phone off). Shit... (She groans and pulls herself off the floor).
INT. THE SIGNATURE ROOM AT THE HANCOCK TOWER -DAY
Taft is escorted to a table near the window, where sits her boss, LARAINE NEWMAN. (Yes, that Laraine Newman, because she's playing the character). The waiter pulls out her chair and ceremoniously presents Taft with a menu. She sits, looking a little worse for the wear; but still impossibly gorgeous.
TAFT
Laraine, I'm--
LARAINE
Don't say anything sweetheart. It's your birthday. I'm not even aware that you're late; I was able to make several very important calls. Which reminds me; Jabul is in town and he's dying to see you again!
TAFT
Oh, wait, he's the...the...the--
LARAINE
Senator.
TAFT
Right.
LARAINE
So, I've put together a coffee break and hot lunch for tonight, if that's doable?
TAFT
Oh, uhm, yeah. Sure. I was supposed to drive up to Green Bay but seriously, if I can put it off, I'll put it off.
LARAINE
What's in Green Bay? Not one of the Packers!
TAFT
No...my family.
LARAINE
You know Taft, you've been working for me for what now? Eight years? And you have never once told me about your family...
TAFT
And why would I? Why would you want to know?
LARAINE
I have an Enquiring mind.
TAFT
Really?
LARAINE
I think of all my girls as my daughters; and as a mom, I want to know at least a little something. So tell me!
TAFT
Fine June Cleaver. Well. There's my mom and dad. Lorene and Albert...
CUT TO:
INT. "MITTERAND'S OUTSIDE THINGS-NURSERY AND SNOW EQUIPMENT" GREEN BAY, WI -DAY
ALBERT SCHMIDT, 60 somethingish, is playing Voice of the Mummy (an elaborate Egyptian board game that talks) at the front register counter with his friend, AXEL SOUTHWARD, late 50's. Albert has a bottle of beer. Axel, a martini. Albert rolls the dice and lands on a Tut mask space. He presses the button on the game's mummy shaped sarcophagus. The mummy speaks!
MUMMY
"You have escaped the crushing clutches of the one-eyed giant mandrill. Take three jewels."
ALBERT
Three! Heh heh! (he laughs and takes the jewels from the board-game).
AXEL
Lucky duck (he picks up the dice) Do mandrills only have one eye?
ALBERT
Now Axel, I don't think anything has only one eye. Except maybe a cat!
LORENE MITTERAND-SCHMIDT, 60 something, comes from the back lugging a bucket of nuts, bolts, screws, etc. She hoists the bucket on to the counter.
LORENE
(To Axel) What are you doing here? I thought you had flights all week.
AXEL
My blood pressure is up again...(sips his drink).
LORENE
I asked you to sort these Al.
ALBERT
After the game. I'm winning!
LORENE
(Pouring bucket of hardware pieces onto the counter, disrupting the game) Now you're losing.
AXEL
Well that wasn't very nice!
LORENE
I'm trying to get my blood-pressure down. Why don't you make yourself useful Axel and help him?
She bustles out the door.
AXEL
Speaking of giant one-eyed mandrills--
ALBERT
(Raising a finger) Nope. I can say whatever I want about her; but nobody else can.
He swipes the hardware away and they continue playing the game.
(Scripts also don't typically feature visual material; but since I don't want this to get "dry" I will be supplying it).
(Though they are not usually part of a script--well, they're never part of a script--I will be supplying you with sidenotes in parentheses and in italics. Since we're delving into the creative process, let's share everything! For example: I mentioned above that Taft Schmidt is pursuing a law degree; but that she's also nearing her mid-30's. Well, if Taft is in her mid-30's she's been pursuing that law degree for a long time. If she's not a lawyer yet, she would've had to have failed the Bar Exam a good twenty times! Which is pretty funny. However, it would also mean that she's not very bright; which she is--bright, I mean. So, I'm going to change Taft's backstory from law, to cooking. She'd pursued a master's degree in cooking, opened her own restaurant right before Covid hit and then went under. Which is why she's fallen back on prostitution (which secretly she really enjoys and is really good at. The business part I mean...)
Cheeseheads
Pilot
by Christopher Reidy and J.R. Butts
Turquoise Crow Productions
September 9, 2021
TEASER
INT. TAFT SCHMIDT'S APT. CHICAGO -MORNING
TAFT SCHMIDT, 30something, blonde and super-model pretty, climbs out from beneath her comforter and searches for her phone which is ringing. She falls out of the bed and onto the floor and finds the phone under a brassiere. She grabs it and answers.
TAFT
Hello? What? What time is it? Oh God! I'm so sorry. I can be there in twenty minutes--can you wait? Oh, listen Laraine, I'm so sorry. Yes. I'll see you when I get there. (She clicks the phone off). Shit... (She groans and pulls herself off the floor).
INT. THE SIGNATURE ROOM AT THE HANCOCK TOWER -DAY
Taft is escorted to a table near the window, where sits her boss, LARAINE NEWMAN. (Yes, that Laraine Newman, because she's playing the character). The waiter pulls out her chair and ceremoniously presents Taft with a menu. She sits, looking a little worse for the wear; but still impossibly gorgeous.
TAFT
Laraine, I'm--
LARAINE
Don't say anything sweetheart. It's your birthday. I'm not even aware that you're late; I was able to make several very important calls. Which reminds me; Jabul is in town and he's dying to see you again!
TAFT
Oh, wait, he's the...the...the--
LARAINE
Senator.
TAFT
Right.
LARAINE
So, I've put together a coffee break and hot lunch for tonight, if that's doable?
TAFT
Oh, uhm, yeah. Sure. I was supposed to drive up to Green Bay but seriously, if I can put it off, I'll put it off.
LARAINE
What's in Green Bay? Not one of the Packers!
TAFT
No...my family.
LARAINE
You know Taft, you've been working for me for what now? Eight years? And you have never once told me about your family...
TAFT
And why would I? Why would you want to know?
LARAINE
I have an Enquiring mind.
TAFT
Really?
LARAINE
I think of all my girls as my daughters; and as a mom, I want to know at least a little something. So tell me!
TAFT
Fine June Cleaver. Well. There's my mom and dad. Lorene and Albert...
CUT TO:
INT. "MITTERAND'S OUTSIDE THINGS-NURSERY AND SNOW EQUIPMENT" GREEN BAY, WI -DAY
ALBERT SCHMIDT, 60 somethingish, is playing Voice of the Mummy (an elaborate Egyptian board game that talks) at the front register counter with his friend, AXEL SOUTHWARD, late 50's. Albert has a bottle of beer. Axel, a martini. Albert rolls the dice and lands on a Tut mask space. He presses the button on the game's mummy shaped sarcophagus. The mummy speaks!
MUMMY
"You have escaped the crushing clutches of the one-eyed giant mandrill. Take three jewels."
ALBERT
Three! Heh heh! (he laughs and takes the jewels from the board-game).
AXEL
Lucky duck (he picks up the dice) Do mandrills only have one eye?
ALBERT
Now Axel, I don't think anything has only one eye. Except maybe a cat!
LORENE MITTERAND-SCHMIDT, 60 something, comes from the back lugging a bucket of nuts, bolts, screws, etc. She hoists the bucket on to the counter.
LORENE
(To Axel) What are you doing here? I thought you had flights all week.
AXEL
My blood pressure is up again...(sips his drink).
LORENE
I asked you to sort these Al.
ALBERT
After the game. I'm winning!
LORENE
(Pouring bucket of hardware pieces onto the counter, disrupting the game) Now you're losing.
AXEL
Well that wasn't very nice!
LORENE
I'm trying to get my blood-pressure down. Why don't you make yourself useful Axel and help him?
She bustles out the door.
AXEL
Speaking of giant one-eyed mandrills--
ALBERT
(Raising a finger) Nope. I can say whatever I want about her; but nobody else can.
He swipes the hardware away and they continue playing the game.
(Scripts also don't typically feature visual material; but since I don't want this to get "dry" I will be supplying it).
Cut back to Laraine:
LARAINE
Well they sound adorable!
TAFT
Sure. Adorable. And then there's my brother, Gibson. My sister-in-law Natalie is a total cheese-head...
LARAINE
Well who isn't up there?
(Rewrite Alert! Since we've changed Natalie's character into the driving force behind her son's football career, she kind of has to be into the Green Bay Packers. Here's the original line followed by the rewrite):
TAFT
No. I mean, she could care less about the Packers. She's a real cheesehead. She grew up on a dairy farm. I mean, she actually used to do things until the cows came home.
TAFT
Well, yeah, she pretty much lives for the Packers; but I mean she is a real cheesehead. She grew up on a dairy farm. This girl actually did things until the cows came home.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN -NIGHT
The Green Bay home of GIBSON and NATALIE SCHMIDT 40's and their kids, FRANKIE and ROCHELLE, 16 and 12, respectively. Rochelle enters the kitchen where her mother is finishing setting the table.
ROCHELLE
I tried mom. They're just ignoring me.
Natalie goes to the kitchen drawer and opens it.
CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM -NIGHT
Gibson and Frankie, both wearing football jerseys are staring at a football game with glazed eyes. Natalie enters the room.
NATALIE
Boys, dinner is ready. (They ignore her. Louder) Boys, dinner is ready...(still no response). Boys. Dinner is ready. (still nothing. She raises an airhorn and pulls the trigger. The two men jump off the couch like they've been shot out of a cannon).
Cut back to Laraine:
LARAINE
I love it! I think I'll try that with some of my less motivated girls.
TAFT
Then there's my auntie Genie and Uncle Jack. They make my mom and dad look like...the Cleavers!
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM AT THE GOLDFARB RESIDENCE GREEN BAY -DAY
IMONGENE "GENIE" GOLDFARB, 60's, finds her husband's blazer on the bed. She picks it up and his phone falls out of the pocket. She's about to put it on the nightstand when it bings. A beat. Should she look? She frowns and opens the message. It's a close-up of a woman's chest, in a very low-cut dress. Imogene strides out of the room.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM -DAY
Imogene's husband, JACK GOLDFARB, 60's, is at a baby grand piano. And he's having a grand old time, tickling the ivories and singing "When the Saints Go Marching In" is a jazzy-breezy style. Imogene suddenly looms over the piano.
JACK
Oh, hi honey! (Continues singing).
GENIE
Don't "hi honey" me. (She holds up the phone and shows him the boob photo). Whose tits are these?
JACK
(Shrugs) Honey, you can't see her face, so how would I know?
GENIE
Well, why are whoever's tits these belong to on your phone?
JACK
It's some kind of scam. She probably wants money.
GENIE
Well, those are not the tits of a Nigerian princess. (She flips down the lid of the keyboard cover and Jack yelps in pain. Genie storms out of the room).
JACK
You almost broke the skin!
Cut back to Laraine as the waiter places salmon in front of her.
LARAINE
My ex-husband was a boob man. No wonder he divorced me!
TAFT
(Looking down at her plate) I think they overdid this charred eggplant...
LARAINE
So, is that it?
TAFT
Well, there's my baby brother, Colton.
(Who we've established will be played by Mr. Laviscount):
LARAINE
Well they sound adorable!
TAFT
Sure. Adorable. And then there's my brother, Gibson. My sister-in-law Natalie is a total cheese-head...
LARAINE
Well who isn't up there?
(Rewrite Alert! Since we've changed Natalie's character into the driving force behind her son's football career, she kind of has to be into the Green Bay Packers. Here's the original line followed by the rewrite):
TAFT
No. I mean, she could care less about the Packers. She's a real cheesehead. She grew up on a dairy farm. I mean, she actually used to do things until the cows came home.
TAFT
Well, yeah, she pretty much lives for the Packers; but I mean she is a real cheesehead. She grew up on a dairy farm. This girl actually did things until the cows came home.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN -NIGHT
The Green Bay home of GIBSON and NATALIE SCHMIDT 40's and their kids, FRANKIE and ROCHELLE, 16 and 12, respectively. Rochelle enters the kitchen where her mother is finishing setting the table.
ROCHELLE
I tried mom. They're just ignoring me.
Natalie goes to the kitchen drawer and opens it.
CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM -NIGHT
Gibson and Frankie, both wearing football jerseys are staring at a football game with glazed eyes. Natalie enters the room.
NATALIE
Boys, dinner is ready. (They ignore her. Louder) Boys, dinner is ready...(still no response). Boys. Dinner is ready. (still nothing. She raises an airhorn and pulls the trigger. The two men jump off the couch like they've been shot out of a cannon).
Cut back to Laraine:
LARAINE
I love it! I think I'll try that with some of my less motivated girls.
TAFT
Then there's my auntie Genie and Uncle Jack. They make my mom and dad look like...the Cleavers!
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM AT THE GOLDFARB RESIDENCE GREEN BAY -DAY
IMONGENE "GENIE" GOLDFARB, 60's, finds her husband's blazer on the bed. She picks it up and his phone falls out of the pocket. She's about to put it on the nightstand when it bings. A beat. Should she look? She frowns and opens the message. It's a close-up of a woman's chest, in a very low-cut dress. Imogene strides out of the room.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM -DAY
Imogene's husband, JACK GOLDFARB, 60's, is at a baby grand piano. And he's having a grand old time, tickling the ivories and singing "When the Saints Go Marching In" is a jazzy-breezy style. Imogene suddenly looms over the piano.
JACK
Oh, hi honey! (Continues singing).
GENIE
Don't "hi honey" me. (She holds up the phone and shows him the boob photo). Whose tits are these?
JACK
(Shrugs) Honey, you can't see her face, so how would I know?
GENIE
Well, why are whoever's tits these belong to on your phone?
JACK
It's some kind of scam. She probably wants money.
GENIE
Well, those are not the tits of a Nigerian princess. (She flips down the lid of the keyboard cover and Jack yelps in pain. Genie storms out of the room).
JACK
You almost broke the skin!
Cut back to Laraine as the waiter places salmon in front of her.
LARAINE
My ex-husband was a boob man. No wonder he divorced me!
TAFT
(Looking down at her plate) I think they overdid this charred eggplant...
LARAINE
So, is that it?
TAFT
Well, there's my baby brother, Colton.
(Who we've established will be played by Mr. Laviscount):
(Really, really works for me.)
CUT TO:
INT. GREENBAY SOUTHWEST GENERAL HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM -DAY
COLTON SCHMIDT, late 20's, is sitting on his desk, talking to his English class. Many of the male students, including his nephew Frankie, are wearing Southwest General football jerseys.
COLTON
...and since we have so many athletes in the class, I thought we could start out the year by reading this...(he holds up a copy of "A Separate Peace" by John Knowles. The kids GROAN) Why are you groaning? You're gonna love it! It's all about jocky guys at a jocky school who jump out of trees during World War Two! (a female student in a cheerleading outfit raises her hand) Yes, Shelley?
SHELLEY
That's the war that's about M*A*S*H, right?
COLTON
Well, M*A*S*H is set during the Korean war...
SHELLEY
And that's where that Kim Chun King is planning to take over the world?
COLTON
Sort of. Are there any other questions? (Frankie raises his hand). Frankie?
FRANKIE
We can like, read this off our phones, right?
COLTON
No! (more GROANS from the class) I'm sorry; but I want you to actually read the words off of a page made out of paper. Look, (he holds up the book) look at how thin it is! It's only two-hundred pages! Fits right in a pocket! (The bell RINGS) Frankie, I want to speak to you for a minute. (The class files out and Frankie goes to Colton's desk. Colton holds out his hand) Hand it over.
FRANKIE
(Sighs as he reaches in his book bag and pulls out a shiny red apple. He hands it to Colton) It wasn't my idea.
COLTON
(Chuckles). Tell your mom I said thanks. (Frankie starts out) Frankie, listen...ahh, you don't have any problem being in my class, do you?
FRANKIE
No dude. I mean, everyone knows your gay.
COLTON
I meant that I was your uncle.
FRANKIE
Why would that be a problem dude? I love you bruh!
COLTON
That's "Uncle Bruh" to you. (He bites into the apple with gusto as Frankie leaves).
CUT to Laraine, sipping coffee.
LARAINE
I thought those boys were gay.
TAFT
Well, my brother is. I never even considered my nephew--
LARAINE
I meant the two boys from A Separate Peace. Anyways, I think you should--(she's interrupted by the wait staff who place a piece of cake with a candle in it, in front of Taft. They sing "The Birthday Song" like a choir of angels and then clap and depart the table) I think you should go up to see your family. You only get one, you know.
TAFT
Which is certainly more than enough. But what about Jabul?
LARAINE
He's too kinky for you. He likes those hot fudge sundaes. I can get Pamela to go. She's a freak.
TAFT
Well, they are planning a surprise birthday party for me.
LARAINE
Will you be surprised?
TAFT
Only if I make it out of there in one piece. (She contemplates the candle then blows it out)
LARAINE
Piece of cake! (They both grab forks and attack the slice of cake).
CUT TO: Credit sequence with theme song "Sunshine" by Jonathan Edwards.
ACT ONE
(Well, that was a rather long teaser; but I don't think there's any set rules as to how long a teaser should or shouldn't be. However, I think we've relayed a lot of information about what the show is in about in ten minutes or so. Nowadays there's no time to ease into things with an audience (according to to "the experts"); you need to hook them from "the git-go" as Nancy Grace would say. I think Nancy needs to do a guest spot on Cheeseheads. Maybe she's Imogene's cheese-crafting rival at the Wisconsin State Fair. So now we've got ACT ONE to consider, the first of two acts. The second act is called ACT TWO.
So, we've established that Taft is heading North to to Green Bay to see the family. But which part of the family? Sitcoms generally try to whittle down the characters and action to a small group of people who all live in the same space. For a three camera sitcom (filmed in front of a "live audience"), you kind of have to. For a one camera sitcom, which plays more like a film, you have more leeway. But you still need to get all the characters in the same locations in order to interact and hopefully crack-wise and make the audience clutch their flanks with unbridled laughter. For example: our group of friends from "Friends" all live in pretty much adjoining rooms. Except for Ross, who seems to always be there for some reason. And the coffee shop, where the couch seems to be in a constant state of vacancy for only the friends (that always pissed me off about that show. What if I went to Central Perk and wanted to sit on the over-stuffed red sofa? Well, I couldn't! Because those people were Sofa Hogs!). "Life In Pieces" had everyone in this extended family all living in houses next to one another. Which struck me as kind of creepy. I mean, who would do that, outside of Utah? That show also had a lot of obnoxious, unlikable characters which Is what I think killed it. I mean that bald doctor always taking his clothes off and talking about his junk? Yecch!
"Home Economics" a new ABC show has the gimmick of everyone getting together for Sunday brunch at the rich brother's house. That's great; but nobody on the show ever has anything else to do on Sundays? "Modern Family" sort of solved the problem of logistics. I mean, everybody lived in different houses in different parts of the same city. And there were a lot of characters with different storylines that they managed to overlap. Still, who spends that much time with their extended family? "Soap," must've been a complicated thing to shoot with three cameras in front of an audience with all those scene changes. So many sets! Needless to say, "Soap" is one of my all-time favorite TV shows. It had had tons of characters and storylines, and a lot of the time, characters and stories never overlapped. So, it can be done.
But back to Cheeseheads. So, Taft would of course be welcome at her parent's house. They have a guest room. But have you ever stayed at your parent's house after you've grown up and left? Yeah, so, it can be stressful. I think Taft would either stay at a hotel or with her younger brother. But first, she'd probably pay a visit to her niece and nephew, who she hasn't seen in some time. So that's where we'll start...)...
EXT. GIBSON AND NATALIE'S HOUSE -LATE AFTERNOON (I think you're only supposed to use DAY or NIGHT here but I'll take the risk. We want to establish mood, yes? Or no? I mean, do you really need "mood" on a sitcom? We shall see...)
Taft pulls up in front of the house in a two-seat, luxury roadster. She looks at the house, smiles and then sighs.
CUT TO:
INT. GREENBAY SOUTHWEST GENERAL HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM -DAY
COLTON SCHMIDT, late 20's, is sitting on his desk, talking to his English class. Many of the male students, including his nephew Frankie, are wearing Southwest General football jerseys.
COLTON
...and since we have so many athletes in the class, I thought we could start out the year by reading this...(he holds up a copy of "A Separate Peace" by John Knowles. The kids GROAN) Why are you groaning? You're gonna love it! It's all about jocky guys at a jocky school who jump out of trees during World War Two! (a female student in a cheerleading outfit raises her hand) Yes, Shelley?
SHELLEY
That's the war that's about M*A*S*H, right?
COLTON
Well, M*A*S*H is set during the Korean war...
SHELLEY
And that's where that Kim Chun King is planning to take over the world?
COLTON
Sort of. Are there any other questions? (Frankie raises his hand). Frankie?
FRANKIE
We can like, read this off our phones, right?
COLTON
No! (more GROANS from the class) I'm sorry; but I want you to actually read the words off of a page made out of paper. Look, (he holds up the book) look at how thin it is! It's only two-hundred pages! Fits right in a pocket! (The bell RINGS) Frankie, I want to speak to you for a minute. (The class files out and Frankie goes to Colton's desk. Colton holds out his hand) Hand it over.
FRANKIE
(Sighs as he reaches in his book bag and pulls out a shiny red apple. He hands it to Colton) It wasn't my idea.
COLTON
(Chuckles). Tell your mom I said thanks. (Frankie starts out) Frankie, listen...ahh, you don't have any problem being in my class, do you?
FRANKIE
No dude. I mean, everyone knows your gay.
COLTON
I meant that I was your uncle.
FRANKIE
Why would that be a problem dude? I love you bruh!
COLTON
That's "Uncle Bruh" to you. (He bites into the apple with gusto as Frankie leaves).
CUT to Laraine, sipping coffee.
LARAINE
I thought those boys were gay.
TAFT
Well, my brother is. I never even considered my nephew--
LARAINE
I meant the two boys from A Separate Peace. Anyways, I think you should--(she's interrupted by the wait staff who place a piece of cake with a candle in it, in front of Taft. They sing "The Birthday Song" like a choir of angels and then clap and depart the table) I think you should go up to see your family. You only get one, you know.
TAFT
Which is certainly more than enough. But what about Jabul?
LARAINE
He's too kinky for you. He likes those hot fudge sundaes. I can get Pamela to go. She's a freak.
TAFT
Well, they are planning a surprise birthday party for me.
LARAINE
Will you be surprised?
TAFT
Only if I make it out of there in one piece. (She contemplates the candle then blows it out)
LARAINE
Piece of cake! (They both grab forks and attack the slice of cake).
CUT TO: Credit sequence with theme song "Sunshine" by Jonathan Edwards.
ACT ONE
(Well, that was a rather long teaser; but I don't think there's any set rules as to how long a teaser should or shouldn't be. However, I think we've relayed a lot of information about what the show is in about in ten minutes or so. Nowadays there's no time to ease into things with an audience (according to to "the experts"); you need to hook them from "the git-go" as Nancy Grace would say. I think Nancy needs to do a guest spot on Cheeseheads. Maybe she's Imogene's cheese-crafting rival at the Wisconsin State Fair. So now we've got ACT ONE to consider, the first of two acts. The second act is called ACT TWO.
So, we've established that Taft is heading North to to Green Bay to see the family. But which part of the family? Sitcoms generally try to whittle down the characters and action to a small group of people who all live in the same space. For a three camera sitcom (filmed in front of a "live audience"), you kind of have to. For a one camera sitcom, which plays more like a film, you have more leeway. But you still need to get all the characters in the same locations in order to interact and hopefully crack-wise and make the audience clutch their flanks with unbridled laughter. For example: our group of friends from "Friends" all live in pretty much adjoining rooms. Except for Ross, who seems to always be there for some reason. And the coffee shop, where the couch seems to be in a constant state of vacancy for only the friends (that always pissed me off about that show. What if I went to Central Perk and wanted to sit on the over-stuffed red sofa? Well, I couldn't! Because those people were Sofa Hogs!). "Life In Pieces" had everyone in this extended family all living in houses next to one another. Which struck me as kind of creepy. I mean, who would do that, outside of Utah? That show also had a lot of obnoxious, unlikable characters which Is what I think killed it. I mean that bald doctor always taking his clothes off and talking about his junk? Yecch!
"Home Economics" a new ABC show has the gimmick of everyone getting together for Sunday brunch at the rich brother's house. That's great; but nobody on the show ever has anything else to do on Sundays? "Modern Family" sort of solved the problem of logistics. I mean, everybody lived in different houses in different parts of the same city. And there were a lot of characters with different storylines that they managed to overlap. Still, who spends that much time with their extended family? "Soap," must've been a complicated thing to shoot with three cameras in front of an audience with all those scene changes. So many sets! Needless to say, "Soap" is one of my all-time favorite TV shows. It had had tons of characters and storylines, and a lot of the time, characters and stories never overlapped. So, it can be done.
But back to Cheeseheads. So, Taft would of course be welcome at her parent's house. They have a guest room. But have you ever stayed at your parent's house after you've grown up and left? Yeah, so, it can be stressful. I think Taft would either stay at a hotel or with her younger brother. But first, she'd probably pay a visit to her niece and nephew, who she hasn't seen in some time. So that's where we'll start...)...
EXT. GIBSON AND NATALIE'S HOUSE -LATE AFTERNOON (I think you're only supposed to use DAY or NIGHT here but I'll take the risk. We want to establish mood, yes? Or no? I mean, do you really need "mood" on a sitcom? We shall see...)
Taft pulls up in front of the house in a two-seat, luxury roadster. She looks at the house, smiles and then sighs.
EXT. GIBSON AND NATALIE'S HOUSE -LATE AFTERNOON
Taft is standing on the front porch in a fur coat with a Neiman-Marcus shopping bag. She knocks on the door and before she's even at knock number two, the door flies open, revealing her excited young niece ROCHELLE.
ROCHELLE
Auntie!
TAFT
Hi Rochelle!
Rochelle pulls her into the house, nearly breaking her aunt's arm in the process.
INT. HOUSE -LATE AFTERNOON
Rochelle has her aunt in a bear hug.
ROCHELLE
I love your coat!
Natalie comes out of the kitchen and joins the pair.
NATALIE
Hi Taft! Rochelle, let go of your aunt.
TAFT
Hi Natalie. (She kneels down and retrieves a box from the shopping bag and hands it to Rochelle).
ROCHELLE
So cool! (Mispronouncing) Yevees Saint Lohrent! (She pulls the lid off the box revealing a deluxe make-up kit).
TAFT
(Over Rochelle's shoulder to Natalie) That's exactly how I used to pronounce it!
NATALIE
(Confused) That's not how you pronounce it?
ROCHELLE
(To her mother) Mom can I?
NATALIE
We discussed this. No make-up until you're thirteen...
TAFT
Oh, I'm sorry. I would've--
NATALIE
It's fine. She can keep it. She just can't wear it yet--
ROCHELLE
Mom, please? Just a tiny bit?
NATALIE
We'll see...now go tell your brother your aunt is here.
ROCHELLE
(As she leaves) "We'll see" always means no.
(Hmmm. I think you can establish mood on a sitcom. If not through the writing, then the acting. Here is a scene from "Soap" that demonstrates this. Katherine Helmond was genius on this show. She could go from daffy silliness to heartbreak on a dime--or vice-versa).
Taft is standing on the front porch in a fur coat with a Neiman-Marcus shopping bag. She knocks on the door and before she's even at knock number two, the door flies open, revealing her excited young niece ROCHELLE.
ROCHELLE
Auntie!
TAFT
Hi Rochelle!
Rochelle pulls her into the house, nearly breaking her aunt's arm in the process.
INT. HOUSE -LATE AFTERNOON
Rochelle has her aunt in a bear hug.
ROCHELLE
I love your coat!
Natalie comes out of the kitchen and joins the pair.
NATALIE
Hi Taft! Rochelle, let go of your aunt.
TAFT
Hi Natalie. (She kneels down and retrieves a box from the shopping bag and hands it to Rochelle).
ROCHELLE
So cool! (Mispronouncing) Yevees Saint Lohrent! (She pulls the lid off the box revealing a deluxe make-up kit).
TAFT
(Over Rochelle's shoulder to Natalie) That's exactly how I used to pronounce it!
NATALIE
(Confused) That's not how you pronounce it?
ROCHELLE
(To her mother) Mom can I?
NATALIE
We discussed this. No make-up until you're thirteen...
TAFT
Oh, I'm sorry. I would've--
NATALIE
It's fine. She can keep it. She just can't wear it yet--
ROCHELLE
Mom, please? Just a tiny bit?
NATALIE
We'll see...now go tell your brother your aunt is here.
ROCHELLE
(As she leaves) "We'll see" always means no.
(Hmmm. I think you can establish mood on a sitcom. If not through the writing, then the acting. Here is a scene from "Soap" that demonstrates this. Katherine Helmond was genius on this show. She could go from daffy silliness to heartbreak on a dime--or vice-versa).
(I'm realizing I've gotten myself into a bit of a pickle(!). You see, I know almost nothing about football and this show is quickly turning into one that has the sport as a major plot-point. I mean, I guess I know the bare-bones basics of how the game is played (it's actually really complicated, isn't it?); what I know even less of is how players are groomed and recruited at any level of the enterprise. So, the character of Frankie is an incredibly talented football player (whatever position he plays...to be determined). So I posed the question to my husband, who is quite knowledgeable on a variety of subjects; that being--how would a football career unfold for a very talented high school level player? He explained, at length, what the process would be. So, then I thought, well, which way would we go with this? Is Frankie as invested in becoming a professional football player as his Dad is? Or is it the old cliche where Dad is pushing his son for it; but the son is indifferent or doesn't really want it. And then my hubs said: "What if it was the mom who was pushing the son for the football career?" Bingo! That is both perfect for the character of the mom and is way more interesting in creating family dynamics than if it were the Dad who was pushing the son. The jury's still out on Frankie's feelings about his talents).
But now, back to our story:
CUT TO:
INT. FRANKIE'S ROOM -LATE AFTERNOON
Frankie is reclining on his bed, reading "A Separate Peace" (the book, not his phone). A tear trickles down his cheek and he wipes it away just as his door bursts open and Rochelle leaps into the room.
ROCHELLE
Auntie Taft is here!
FRANKIE
Shell, I asked you to knock first. Do I have to start locking the door?
ROCHELLE
Sorry. I forgot. Hey, are you reading a book?
FRANKIE
No, I'm doing the dance of the seven veils...(He puts the book on the night-stand) I'll be right there...(Rochelle leaves and he picks up a gym sock off the floor and blows his nose in it). Damn! (he sniffles).
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM -LATE AFTERNOON
Taft takes off her coat and throws it on the recliner and reaches into the shopping bag for another box, which she hands to Natalie.
NATALIE
Oh, Taft, really! You didn't have to do that!
TAFT
I wanted to.
NATALIE
(Opens the box and removes an Hermes scarf depicting horses in various stances) Oh my goodness a scarf! (Unfolding it) It's so big! (Pointing to one of the horses) He looks just like the horse I had on the farm; Mulligan! Thanks Taft! (She hugs Taft).
TAFT
You can actually wear it as a blouse if you want. I can show you. It's a thing. There are online tutorials and--.
GIBSON
(Entering room) Hey daffy Taffy! (He goes to his sister and they hug).
TAFT
Hi Gib (She raises her hand and Gibson follows. Shortly, the pair are performing an elaborate secret hand-shake. Apparently something from childhood, it even has phrases like: "Don't feel bad, don't feel blue, Frankenstein was ugly too!" And: "Move to the left! Move to the right! Peel your banana and OOOMMMPPPHHH, take a bite!" Natalie, Rochelle and Frankie, who has entered during this, watch in varying stances of delight and/or embarrassment).
FRANKIE
Can you teach me that?
TAFT
(Moving towards him) Oh my God! Somebody had a growth spurt! (They hug and Frankie kisses her cheek). Would you look at these shoulders?
FRANKIE
(Blushing) Oh Auntie!
TAFT
(Reaching in the bag again; then, to Frankie) Look kid, I was gonna get you a catcher's mitt or something but I know you already have everything they make for all that jock-o stuff, so, I figured you could figure out what you wanted (she hands him an Amex gift-card).
FRANKIE
Oh, Auntie, so cool! Thank you!
NATALIE
I hope that's not too much? How much is on it?
TAFT
Now, that's between me and Frankie (Natalie bites her tongue and looks at Gibson).
GIBSON
Let me hang up your coat (he picks up the fur coat from the chair) Hmmmm, fancy-schmancy! I guess the restaurant is doing well huh?
TAFT
That old thing? That was grandmom's. It's falling apart.
GIBSON
Which grandmom? I don't remember either of them wearing this (he goes to the closet).
NATALIE
Taft, we've been meaning to get down to the city and see your place; but you know with the lockdowns and all, we just couldn't.
TAFT
Oh, I understand.
NATALIE
But you are reopened, right?
TAFT
Oh, yeah! (Quickly changing subject). So Frankie, how's school?
FRANKIE
Well, I'm in Uncle Colton's class, so that's interesting.
TAFT
I bet. And you're still playing ball I imagine?
NATALIE
(Scoffs) "Imagine"? We've got scouts coming out of the woodwork. UM is interested!
TAFT
You-em? Ummm, what is "UM"?
GIBSON
(Sitting in recliner with a chuckle) University of Michigan.
TAFT
Of course. Is that, like a big deal or something?
NATALIE
(Disbelieving) Well it's only where Tom Brady got his start!
(Rewrite Alert! I just realized we could get a little joke in here, so here's the original line and then the rewrite, you know, to make it funnier):
TAFT
Oh that's great Frankie. And you're wearing a helmet so you won't get a concussion, right?
TAFT
Oh, that's great Frankie! And you're using protection, right?
NATALIE
Pardon me?
TAFT
(Nervous laugh) Oh, well...you know, like a helmet! For his head! So he won't get a concussion or something like that!
FRANKIE
Well, Auntie, it's kind of a requirement.
ROCHELLE
Don't worry. His skull is pretty thick.
But now, back to our story:
CUT TO:
INT. FRANKIE'S ROOM -LATE AFTERNOON
Frankie is reclining on his bed, reading "A Separate Peace" (the book, not his phone). A tear trickles down his cheek and he wipes it away just as his door bursts open and Rochelle leaps into the room.
ROCHELLE
Auntie Taft is here!
FRANKIE
Shell, I asked you to knock first. Do I have to start locking the door?
ROCHELLE
Sorry. I forgot. Hey, are you reading a book?
FRANKIE
No, I'm doing the dance of the seven veils...(He puts the book on the night-stand) I'll be right there...(Rochelle leaves and he picks up a gym sock off the floor and blows his nose in it). Damn! (he sniffles).
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM -LATE AFTERNOON
Taft takes off her coat and throws it on the recliner and reaches into the shopping bag for another box, which she hands to Natalie.
NATALIE
Oh, Taft, really! You didn't have to do that!
TAFT
I wanted to.
NATALIE
(Opens the box and removes an Hermes scarf depicting horses in various stances) Oh my goodness a scarf! (Unfolding it) It's so big! (Pointing to one of the horses) He looks just like the horse I had on the farm; Mulligan! Thanks Taft! (She hugs Taft).
TAFT
You can actually wear it as a blouse if you want. I can show you. It's a thing. There are online tutorials and--.
GIBSON
(Entering room) Hey daffy Taffy! (He goes to his sister and they hug).
TAFT
Hi Gib (She raises her hand and Gibson follows. Shortly, the pair are performing an elaborate secret hand-shake. Apparently something from childhood, it even has phrases like: "Don't feel bad, don't feel blue, Frankenstein was ugly too!" And: "Move to the left! Move to the right! Peel your banana and OOOMMMPPPHHH, take a bite!" Natalie, Rochelle and Frankie, who has entered during this, watch in varying stances of delight and/or embarrassment).
FRANKIE
Can you teach me that?
TAFT
(Moving towards him) Oh my God! Somebody had a growth spurt! (They hug and Frankie kisses her cheek). Would you look at these shoulders?
FRANKIE
(Blushing) Oh Auntie!
TAFT
(Reaching in the bag again; then, to Frankie) Look kid, I was gonna get you a catcher's mitt or something but I know you already have everything they make for all that jock-o stuff, so, I figured you could figure out what you wanted (she hands him an Amex gift-card).
FRANKIE
Oh, Auntie, so cool! Thank you!
NATALIE
I hope that's not too much? How much is on it?
TAFT
Now, that's between me and Frankie (Natalie bites her tongue and looks at Gibson).
GIBSON
Let me hang up your coat (he picks up the fur coat from the chair) Hmmmm, fancy-schmancy! I guess the restaurant is doing well huh?
TAFT
That old thing? That was grandmom's. It's falling apart.
GIBSON
Which grandmom? I don't remember either of them wearing this (he goes to the closet).
NATALIE
Taft, we've been meaning to get down to the city and see your place; but you know with the lockdowns and all, we just couldn't.
TAFT
Oh, I understand.
NATALIE
But you are reopened, right?
TAFT
Oh, yeah! (Quickly changing subject). So Frankie, how's school?
FRANKIE
Well, I'm in Uncle Colton's class, so that's interesting.
TAFT
I bet. And you're still playing ball I imagine?
NATALIE
(Scoffs) "Imagine"? We've got scouts coming out of the woodwork. UM is interested!
TAFT
You-em? Ummm, what is "UM"?
GIBSON
(Sitting in recliner with a chuckle) University of Michigan.
TAFT
Of course. Is that, like a big deal or something?
NATALIE
(Disbelieving) Well it's only where Tom Brady got his start!
(Rewrite Alert! I just realized we could get a little joke in here, so here's the original line and then the rewrite, you know, to make it funnier):
TAFT
Oh that's great Frankie. And you're wearing a helmet so you won't get a concussion, right?
TAFT
Oh, that's great Frankie! And you're using protection, right?
NATALIE
Pardon me?
TAFT
(Nervous laugh) Oh, well...you know, like a helmet! For his head! So he won't get a concussion or something like that!
FRANKIE
Well, Auntie, it's kind of a requirement.
ROCHELLE
Don't worry. His skull is pretty thick.
GIBSON
Yeah, he comes from a long line of thick skulls; but you know Taft, I do worry about that--
TAFT
What?
GIBSON
Head injuries
FRANKIE
Here we go...
NATALIE
(Changing subject. To Rochelle who is still holding the make-up kit and looking at if forlornly) Shell, go get my lighted mirror from the bathroom.
ROCHELLE
(Realizing) Really? (Her mother nods and Rochelle is out of the room like lightning. Natalie shoots a look at Gibson who pretends not to see it).
GIBSON
(Aiming remote at TV). I think the Michigan-Indiana game is on ESPN...(The awkward silence is overtaken by the familiar sounds of a televised football game).
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM -NIGHT
About an hour has passed. Snack foods and drinks cover the coffee table, where Natalie and Taft have been showing Rochelle how to apply make-up properly. They've also roped in Frankie, who is getting his eyes done by his sister.
ROCHELLE
You look like Adam Lambert!
FRANKIE
Adam who? (He looks in the mirror) I think the purple eye-shadow is a bit much Shell.
NATALIE
So do I. Go wash that off Frankie.
ROCHELLE
Let me get a picture!
GIBSON
Why, are you gonna blackmail him?
NATALIE
(To Rochelle) Let me see...(she takes Rochelle's face in her hands) I'm not gonna say you're not beautiful because you are and I don't think you need any make-up; but if you like, you can wear a little to school on Monday.
ROCHELLE
(Looking in mirror) You know what Mom? I think I will wait until I'm thirteen. (She and Frankie exit the room).
NATALIE
(To Taft) You will stay for dinner, yes?
TAFT
Thank you, but I can't, I'm meeting Colton for a drink.
GIBSON
Are you gonna stay with Mom and Dad? (Taft rolls her eyes and makes a face) You know you can stay here too.
TAFT
Colton said he'd put me up. Or put up with me! (Laughs) Can I use the powder room?
NATALIE
Taft, stop. You know where it is. (Taft heads down the hall. Natalie picks up the scarf and drapes it around Gibson). What do you think of my present?
GIBSON
That's a scarf, is what it is. (The price tag is still on it. He looks and does a double take). She paid four hundred and fifty dollars for this?
NATALIE
(Looking at tag) Really? Huh, business must be pretty good! (Holding scarf against her chest) You know you can wear it as a blouse. (Mispronouncing) It's Hermeez!
ACT TWO
(One down, TWO to go. This thread is getting really long, so I will post ACT TWO and THE TAG in a separate blog. Ciao for now!) Oh yeah; and for those of you out there who know who you are ("wink-wink"):
Yeah, he comes from a long line of thick skulls; but you know Taft, I do worry about that--
TAFT
What?
GIBSON
Head injuries
FRANKIE
Here we go...
NATALIE
(Changing subject. To Rochelle who is still holding the make-up kit and looking at if forlornly) Shell, go get my lighted mirror from the bathroom.
ROCHELLE
(Realizing) Really? (Her mother nods and Rochelle is out of the room like lightning. Natalie shoots a look at Gibson who pretends not to see it).
GIBSON
(Aiming remote at TV). I think the Michigan-Indiana game is on ESPN...(The awkward silence is overtaken by the familiar sounds of a televised football game).
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM -NIGHT
About an hour has passed. Snack foods and drinks cover the coffee table, where Natalie and Taft have been showing Rochelle how to apply make-up properly. They've also roped in Frankie, who is getting his eyes done by his sister.
ROCHELLE
You look like Adam Lambert!
FRANKIE
Adam who? (He looks in the mirror) I think the purple eye-shadow is a bit much Shell.
NATALIE
So do I. Go wash that off Frankie.
ROCHELLE
Let me get a picture!
GIBSON
Why, are you gonna blackmail him?
NATALIE
(To Rochelle) Let me see...(she takes Rochelle's face in her hands) I'm not gonna say you're not beautiful because you are and I don't think you need any make-up; but if you like, you can wear a little to school on Monday.
ROCHELLE
(Looking in mirror) You know what Mom? I think I will wait until I'm thirteen. (She and Frankie exit the room).
NATALIE
(To Taft) You will stay for dinner, yes?
TAFT
Thank you, but I can't, I'm meeting Colton for a drink.
GIBSON
Are you gonna stay with Mom and Dad? (Taft rolls her eyes and makes a face) You know you can stay here too.
TAFT
Colton said he'd put me up. Or put up with me! (Laughs) Can I use the powder room?
NATALIE
Taft, stop. You know where it is. (Taft heads down the hall. Natalie picks up the scarf and drapes it around Gibson). What do you think of my present?
GIBSON
That's a scarf, is what it is. (The price tag is still on it. He looks and does a double take). She paid four hundred and fifty dollars for this?
NATALIE
(Looking at tag) Really? Huh, business must be pretty good! (Holding scarf against her chest) You know you can wear it as a blouse. (Mispronouncing) It's Hermeez!
ACT TWO
(One down, TWO to go. This thread is getting really long, so I will post ACT TWO and THE TAG in a separate blog. Ciao for now!) Oh yeah; and for those of you out there who know who you are ("wink-wink"):
To be continued...
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