I just posted an image of the Copyright, Registered and Trademark symbols at the end of Part 1 of this blog in an admittedly snarky jab at "you know whos." But then I thought, hey wait Chris, you're using images on your website that you just pulled off the web that are probably "all rights reserved" etc. So, if it's not "fair use" I will take them down, if and when I receive a "cease and desist" notice. And since I'm in no way making any kind of money from this website, I don't feel particularly guilty about it.
So, back to Cheeseheads. You know, in writing the twelve year-old character of "Rochelle" it is taking every ounce of restraint I can muster to keep her from being precocious. My fingers keep wanting to type bon-mots, wise-cracks, beyond-her-years comments and Quinn Cummingsesque asides in her dialogue. It's really hard to fight the temptation. I daresay, nearly impossible. Think of how many precocious kids (particularly girls) have piped up on sitcoms over the years. Pretty much since day one. So, if one or two kid quips slip in there, don't be surprised. So, moving on...let's start on ACT TWO, after this word from Calgon:
So, back to Cheeseheads. You know, in writing the twelve year-old character of "Rochelle" it is taking every ounce of restraint I can muster to keep her from being precocious. My fingers keep wanting to type bon-mots, wise-cracks, beyond-her-years comments and Quinn Cummingsesque asides in her dialogue. It's really hard to fight the temptation. I daresay, nearly impossible. Think of how many precocious kids (particularly girls) have piped up on sitcoms over the years. Pretty much since day one. So, if one or two kid quips slip in there, don't be surprised. So, moving on...let's start on ACT TWO, after this word from Calgon:
ACT TWO
EXT. TITLETOWN BREWING COMPANY RESTAURANT -NIGHT
Taft pulls her car into a space, gets out and walks towards the restaurant, which is housed in an old train station and has a massive statue of Green Bay Packers player, Donald Driver leaping from atop a giant football.
EXT. TITLETOWN BREWING COMPANY RESTAURANT -NIGHT
Taft pulls her car into a space, gets out and walks towards the restaurant, which is housed in an old train station and has a massive statue of Green Bay Packers player, Donald Driver leaping from atop a giant football.
(So, now, here in late 2021, we're about to step out on to some thin ice. I am going to introduce two characters who are Japanese: YOSHI FUKUMOTO, LATE 20'S and his little sister HIMARI FUKUMOTO, 12ish. I think it's strange that I'm even questioning it. In writing two characters who happen to be from Japan; am I somehow courting the dreaded specter of "cultural appropriation"? Is it somehow "racist" of me to even presume to introduce and write about two characters who are not of the same cultural and ethnic background as myself? I say no. The world is full of people from different backgrounds, cultures, ethnicities, religions, races, and so on and so on. I mean, am I only allowed to write about white, Irish-Catholic, Boston-native, gay men? If I were, that would make for some very boring, tunnel-vision writing. I will try my best to respectively (Shit! There's that word again. I meant "respectfully") and authentically represent these two characters as accurately as I can; and if this show were to actually be produced, I would hire a Japanese consultant to make sure the representation of the culture and its idiosyncrasies and etiquette were represented as faithfully as possible. If I do not nail it "from the git go"--I apologize in advance. But, you know, I already have two African-American characters; so what's the difference.* Maybe that they're American?).
*(That difference referring to the decision to write about other races).
CUT TO:
INT. TITLETOWN BREWERY -NIGHT
Taft enters the bar area, which is not very crowded, and sees her brother Colton at the bar. He waves and comes over to her. They hug and exchange greetings.
TAFT
Oh, I miss you! (She raises her hand as she did with her older brother. Colton looks at her expectantly).
COLTON
What?
TAFT
Whadda ya mean, "what?" (He's not getting it. She sighs). "The Secret Schmidt Shimmy-Shake!"
COLTON
Oh! Right! I'm a little rusty, Taft.
TAFT
Don't feel, bad...(she tries to initiate the hand-shake; but it's not working) Don't feel blue...(Colton tries but hopelessly starts tanking) Frankenstein was ugly too...(Nada) Oh, forget it! Let's have a drink. (They return to where Colton was sitting at the bar).
TAFT
I just wanted to thank you for letting me crash at your place.
COLTON
No problem.
TAFT
I won't be cramping your style or anything or with anyone...?
COLTON
Definitely not a problem there. In fact there's nothing there. Or no one.
TAFT
What are you drinking? (Looks at drink menu) Look at all these beers! Hmmm, "Titletown Haze-asaurus Rex" That sounds interesting.
COLTON
I feel like a margarita.
TAFT
That sounds good too. Sold! (Motions to bartender who approaches) Two margaritas my good man. I'll have mine on the rocks with salt.
COLTON
Same for me.
(I have zero involvement with The Titletown Brewing Company. I came upon it in my research and it looks like a really cool place. Why don't TV shows ever feature real restaurants from the towns they're set in? So let's throw a bone to Green Bay commerce! For reals!).
(P.S. I typically abhor "product placement")
TAFT
It's a little warm in here.
COLTON
You're wearing a full-length, fur-coat in September. (He helps her out of it). Seriously Taft, fur? I thought you were a little more--and I hate this word--woke--than that.
TAFT
This old thing? It's falling apart! It was grand mom's.
COLTON
Which grand mom, because I don't remember--
TAFT
My father's mother. I'm pretty sure you never met her. And besides, whatever little creatures gave their lives for this coat are long dead. Nothing is going to change that. I feel like I am honoring the--whatever these things are.
COLTON
Beaver.
TAFT
Excuse me?
COLTON
Sheared beaver. And me thinks you're rationalizing.
TAFT
Colton, I don't want to talk about my personal life! (Laughs as the bartender places the drinks in front of them). And please don't say "methinks." People will think you're a nerd, methinks. Like I used to be.
COLTON
(Raises glass) Well I'm a proud, card-carrying member of the club. Here's to nerds! (They clink glasses).
TAFT
(Looks around) Well this place is fun--(she does a double take as she watches a pair at a table. A very small Japanese girl, HIMARI FUKUMOTO, 12ish places a foam cheese-wedge hat on the head of a very large Japanese man. He is her brother, YOSHI FUKUMOTO, LATE 20's. Himari pulls out a smart phone and takes a selfie with him. He quickly and sheepishly removes the hat).
*(That difference referring to the decision to write about other races).
CUT TO:
INT. TITLETOWN BREWERY -NIGHT
Taft enters the bar area, which is not very crowded, and sees her brother Colton at the bar. He waves and comes over to her. They hug and exchange greetings.
TAFT
Oh, I miss you! (She raises her hand as she did with her older brother. Colton looks at her expectantly).
COLTON
What?
TAFT
Whadda ya mean, "what?" (He's not getting it. She sighs). "The Secret Schmidt Shimmy-Shake!"
COLTON
Oh! Right! I'm a little rusty, Taft.
TAFT
Don't feel, bad...(she tries to initiate the hand-shake; but it's not working) Don't feel blue...(Colton tries but hopelessly starts tanking) Frankenstein was ugly too...(Nada) Oh, forget it! Let's have a drink. (They return to where Colton was sitting at the bar).
TAFT
I just wanted to thank you for letting me crash at your place.
COLTON
No problem.
TAFT
I won't be cramping your style or anything or with anyone...?
COLTON
Definitely not a problem there. In fact there's nothing there. Or no one.
TAFT
What are you drinking? (Looks at drink menu) Look at all these beers! Hmmm, "Titletown Haze-asaurus Rex" That sounds interesting.
COLTON
I feel like a margarita.
TAFT
That sounds good too. Sold! (Motions to bartender who approaches) Two margaritas my good man. I'll have mine on the rocks with salt.
COLTON
Same for me.
(I have zero involvement with The Titletown Brewing Company. I came upon it in my research and it looks like a really cool place. Why don't TV shows ever feature real restaurants from the towns they're set in? So let's throw a bone to Green Bay commerce! For reals!).
(P.S. I typically abhor "product placement")
TAFT
It's a little warm in here.
COLTON
You're wearing a full-length, fur-coat in September. (He helps her out of it). Seriously Taft, fur? I thought you were a little more--and I hate this word--woke--than that.
TAFT
This old thing? It's falling apart! It was grand mom's.
COLTON
Which grand mom, because I don't remember--
TAFT
My father's mother. I'm pretty sure you never met her. And besides, whatever little creatures gave their lives for this coat are long dead. Nothing is going to change that. I feel like I am honoring the--whatever these things are.
COLTON
Beaver.
TAFT
Excuse me?
COLTON
Sheared beaver. And me thinks you're rationalizing.
TAFT
Colton, I don't want to talk about my personal life! (Laughs as the bartender places the drinks in front of them). And please don't say "methinks." People will think you're a nerd, methinks. Like I used to be.
COLTON
(Raises glass) Well I'm a proud, card-carrying member of the club. Here's to nerds! (They clink glasses).
TAFT
(Looks around) Well this place is fun--(she does a double take as she watches a pair at a table. A very small Japanese girl, HIMARI FUKUMOTO, 12ish places a foam cheese-wedge hat on the head of a very large Japanese man. He is her brother, YOSHI FUKUMOTO, LATE 20's. Himari pulls out a smart phone and takes a selfie with him. He quickly and sheepishly removes the hat).
TAFT
He looks like a sumo wrestler.
COLTON
He probably is.
TAFT
And he keeps looking at you.
COLTON
No. No, he's not. Is he? (Taft nods her head, saucily and giggles).
They watch as Yoshi stands and heads toward the door. Himari approaches Colton and Taft. Yoshi waits by the exit.
HIMARI
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
TAFT
Oh, sweetie, we're already disturbed (laughs).
HIMARI
(To Colton) My brother was wondering if he may shoot you his digits. (Colton nearly does a spit take).
COLTON
Why doesn't he ask me himself?
HIMARI
He speaks almost no English and he's extremely shy.
COLTON
(Looks at Taft: Should I? She nods excitedly) Okay little girl, shoot away. (He picks up his phone and Himari relays the phone number and gives a little bow). So you're from Japan?
HIMARI
Yes.
COLTON
Don't you have school on Monday?
HIMARI
(Giggles) Oh, I graduated from Oxford two years ago. Thank you so much. My brother will be very pleased. (She bows again and is gone. She meets Yoshi at the door and they disappear into the night).
TAFT
Well that was interesting. He's really cute!
COLTON
Wasn't he!?!
TAFT
Let's do some tequila shots.
COLTON
Just one. Remember you have to be fresh for this party tomorrow.
SMASH CUT TO:
Close-up of the bar. There is definitely more than one shot glass in front of Taft. She downs another one.
COLTON
Taft honey, I think that's enough for now.
TAFT
(Two-sheets to the wind) Psssshhh-tossshhh. I had a giant lunch with my boss.
COLTON
I thought you were your own boss.
TAFT
I am, damn it! (Changing subject) Why is a sumo wrestler in Green Bay?
COLTON
I've heard they sometimes come here and try and break into the NFL.
TAFT
So what happens when you two have pillow talk? Is the little sister going to interpret? How weird would that be? (Laughs).
COLTON
Thanks for putting that scenario in my head.
TAFT
You are welcome! (She pinches his cheek).
COLTON
Listen, Taft, I want to talk to you about something.
TAFT
I'm all ears.
COLTON
A couple of months ago I drove down to Chicago. I wanted to surprise you at the restaurant. But when I got there, it was closed.
TAFT
There was a lockdown.
COLTON
No, Taft, there wasn't. And the restaurant wasn't just like closed. It looked closed, closed.
TAFT
(Abruptly) It went under. Or rather, it went up. As in "belly up." C'est la vie, I guess.
COLTON
So, this is probably none of my business, but, like, what are you doing for money?
TAFT
(Looks at him. This is a huge moment. She wants to get it off her chest. And, she's drunk. A pause as she looks down at her glass and then back at Colton) I'm a hooker.
COLTON
(What can he say?) You...make rugs?
TAFT
Nope. I'm a Lady of the Night.
COLTON
(Hopefully) The late shift at Northwestern Hospital?
TAFT
I'm a call girl.
COLTON
Extended car warranties?
TAFT
(Loudly) I'm a whore! (Suddenly, the booze hits her full force. She lurches off the barstool and starts dancing around singing "I'm a whore" mixed in with bits of "Lady Marmalade."
COLTON
Okay, time to get you home.
CUT TO:
Parking lot. Taft is staggering as her brother guides her across the pavement. She looks up at the statue of the football player.
TAFT
Nice ass baby! (Singing to the tune of "Ice Ice Baby") Nice ass baby, nice ass baby. Hey let's get a selfie!
COLTON
No. We're going home now.
TAFT
Where's my car...?
COLTON
It will be fine here overnight. I'll drive. (They get to his car and he piles her into it).
TAFT
Oh, I love my little baby brother...
CUT TO:
INT. COLTON'S APARTMENT -NIGHT
Colton's place is tiny but charming. He guides Taft, who is now muttering nonsense, into the bedroom.
INT. COLTON'S BEDROOM -NIGHT
TAFT
(Looking into Colton's eyes) I wanted to be the next Julia Child, Colton...not the next Xaviera Hollander...
COLTON
Girl, you gotta update your references.
He lets her go and she falls on to the bed. Colton removes her shoes. He's holding the fur coat, which he gently covers her with. He exits the room and leaves the door ajar. He sits on his sofa and sighs. He takes his phone out and looks at the phone number Himari gave him. His finger hovers above the "Call" icon, and then the phone rings. He answers.
COLTON
Hi Mom. Yes, she's here. Oh, she's already in bed. Yeah, she was super tired. I'll ask her to call you in the morning--sorry, tell her to call you in the morning. See you tomorrow. Goodnight. (He clicks off the phone, sits back on the couch and closes his eyes. Then, to himself:) Do they have cheese in Japan?
TAG
INT. COLTON'S BEDROOM -MORNING
Taft is completely covered by the fur coat. Her phone starts LOUDLY ringing it's obnoxious ring-tone. She sits up and groans, then desperately searches for the phone in the coat. She finds it, takes it out and answers.
TAFT
Hello...? (We can hear the voice of Rochelle singing "The Birthday Song" at the top of her lungs) Oh, that's great sweetie...you have a lovely singing voice...(but the voice doesn't stop singing) That's great Shell, really really great...(she clutches her head in the throes of hang-over misery as the song keeps going) Really, terrific...(and we FADE TO BLACK).
(OUT)
He looks like a sumo wrestler.
COLTON
He probably is.
TAFT
And he keeps looking at you.
COLTON
No. No, he's not. Is he? (Taft nods her head, saucily and giggles).
They watch as Yoshi stands and heads toward the door. Himari approaches Colton and Taft. Yoshi waits by the exit.
HIMARI
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
TAFT
Oh, sweetie, we're already disturbed (laughs).
HIMARI
(To Colton) My brother was wondering if he may shoot you his digits. (Colton nearly does a spit take).
COLTON
Why doesn't he ask me himself?
HIMARI
He speaks almost no English and he's extremely shy.
COLTON
(Looks at Taft: Should I? She nods excitedly) Okay little girl, shoot away. (He picks up his phone and Himari relays the phone number and gives a little bow). So you're from Japan?
HIMARI
Yes.
COLTON
Don't you have school on Monday?
HIMARI
(Giggles) Oh, I graduated from Oxford two years ago. Thank you so much. My brother will be very pleased. (She bows again and is gone. She meets Yoshi at the door and they disappear into the night).
TAFT
Well that was interesting. He's really cute!
COLTON
Wasn't he!?!
TAFT
Let's do some tequila shots.
COLTON
Just one. Remember you have to be fresh for this party tomorrow.
SMASH CUT TO:
Close-up of the bar. There is definitely more than one shot glass in front of Taft. She downs another one.
COLTON
Taft honey, I think that's enough for now.
TAFT
(Two-sheets to the wind) Psssshhh-tossshhh. I had a giant lunch with my boss.
COLTON
I thought you were your own boss.
TAFT
I am, damn it! (Changing subject) Why is a sumo wrestler in Green Bay?
COLTON
I've heard they sometimes come here and try and break into the NFL.
TAFT
So what happens when you two have pillow talk? Is the little sister going to interpret? How weird would that be? (Laughs).
COLTON
Thanks for putting that scenario in my head.
TAFT
You are welcome! (She pinches his cheek).
COLTON
Listen, Taft, I want to talk to you about something.
TAFT
I'm all ears.
COLTON
A couple of months ago I drove down to Chicago. I wanted to surprise you at the restaurant. But when I got there, it was closed.
TAFT
There was a lockdown.
COLTON
No, Taft, there wasn't. And the restaurant wasn't just like closed. It looked closed, closed.
TAFT
(Abruptly) It went under. Or rather, it went up. As in "belly up." C'est la vie, I guess.
COLTON
So, this is probably none of my business, but, like, what are you doing for money?
TAFT
(Looks at him. This is a huge moment. She wants to get it off her chest. And, she's drunk. A pause as she looks down at her glass and then back at Colton) I'm a hooker.
COLTON
(What can he say?) You...make rugs?
TAFT
Nope. I'm a Lady of the Night.
COLTON
(Hopefully) The late shift at Northwestern Hospital?
TAFT
I'm a call girl.
COLTON
Extended car warranties?
TAFT
(Loudly) I'm a whore! (Suddenly, the booze hits her full force. She lurches off the barstool and starts dancing around singing "I'm a whore" mixed in with bits of "Lady Marmalade."
COLTON
Okay, time to get you home.
CUT TO:
Parking lot. Taft is staggering as her brother guides her across the pavement. She looks up at the statue of the football player.
TAFT
Nice ass baby! (Singing to the tune of "Ice Ice Baby") Nice ass baby, nice ass baby. Hey let's get a selfie!
COLTON
No. We're going home now.
TAFT
Where's my car...?
COLTON
It will be fine here overnight. I'll drive. (They get to his car and he piles her into it).
TAFT
Oh, I love my little baby brother...
CUT TO:
INT. COLTON'S APARTMENT -NIGHT
Colton's place is tiny but charming. He guides Taft, who is now muttering nonsense, into the bedroom.
INT. COLTON'S BEDROOM -NIGHT
TAFT
(Looking into Colton's eyes) I wanted to be the next Julia Child, Colton...not the next Xaviera Hollander...
COLTON
Girl, you gotta update your references.
He lets her go and she falls on to the bed. Colton removes her shoes. He's holding the fur coat, which he gently covers her with. He exits the room and leaves the door ajar. He sits on his sofa and sighs. He takes his phone out and looks at the phone number Himari gave him. His finger hovers above the "Call" icon, and then the phone rings. He answers.
COLTON
Hi Mom. Yes, she's here. Oh, she's already in bed. Yeah, she was super tired. I'll ask her to call you in the morning--sorry, tell her to call you in the morning. See you tomorrow. Goodnight. (He clicks off the phone, sits back on the couch and closes his eyes. Then, to himself:) Do they have cheese in Japan?
TAG
INT. COLTON'S BEDROOM -MORNING
Taft is completely covered by the fur coat. Her phone starts LOUDLY ringing it's obnoxious ring-tone. She sits up and groans, then desperately searches for the phone in the coat. She finds it, takes it out and answers.
TAFT
Hello...? (We can hear the voice of Rochelle singing "The Birthday Song" at the top of her lungs) Oh, that's great sweetie...you have a lovely singing voice...(but the voice doesn't stop singing) That's great Shell, really really great...(she clutches her head in the throes of hang-over misery as the song keeps going) Really, terrific...(and we FADE TO BLACK).
(OUT)
So, there you have it folks. Hope you like it.
I don't know if I've exactly proven that anyone can make a sitcom. This is still on the page; not on a TV near you. So maybe it would be more accurate to say "anyone can write a sitcom." Season 1, Episode 2 will obviously be about the birthday party the next day, wherein we can bring all the characters together. Sorry Aaron Rodgers; but don't worry, you will get your own episode. I already have a plot idea. You come into the store to buy snow-shoes and end up with no pants on (it will be hilarious!).
I've gotta say though, and I'm not patting myself on the back (maybe); but I'm already in love with all these people. What a thrill it would be to see them come to life--certainly with the actors I suggested--but, whoever really. And these characters literally sprang at random from a paper bag.
I have no idea how many pages this runs, at this point; but it feels like it's about the right length. Maybe a little on the long side. In that case, we could split the pilot into two: a pilot and Episode 1. And if it's too short, we can easily ad more scenes. Thanks for reading. So, I suppose the next step is to retype this entire script in the proper format, wherein I will more than likely do some "polishing." I'll post it somewhere when I'm finished.
And not to be snarky; but:
I don't know if I've exactly proven that anyone can make a sitcom. This is still on the page; not on a TV near you. So maybe it would be more accurate to say "anyone can write a sitcom." Season 1, Episode 2 will obviously be about the birthday party the next day, wherein we can bring all the characters together. Sorry Aaron Rodgers; but don't worry, you will get your own episode. I already have a plot idea. You come into the store to buy snow-shoes and end up with no pants on (it will be hilarious!).
I've gotta say though, and I'm not patting myself on the back (maybe); but I'm already in love with all these people. What a thrill it would be to see them come to life--certainly with the actors I suggested--but, whoever really. And these characters literally sprang at random from a paper bag.
I have no idea how many pages this runs, at this point; but it feels like it's about the right length. Maybe a little on the long side. In that case, we could split the pilot into two: a pilot and Episode 1. And if it's too short, we can easily ad more scenes. Thanks for reading. So, I suppose the next step is to retype this entire script in the proper format, wherein I will more than likely do some "polishing." I'll post it somewhere when I'm finished.
And not to be snarky; but:
CFReidy October 18, 2021
Addendum:
I realized that with some of the rearranging, there's a snafu with the family name, "Mitterand-Schmidt." Colton would not have the surname "Schmidt" if his half-brother and sister did. But I don't want to change the last names of Taft and Gibson because I like the way they sound. So what to do? Well, simply transpose the name to "Schmidt-Mitterand." So, now Albert Schmidt is Albert Mitterand and his son is Colton Mitterand. And I like the way those names sound better now! Problem solved.
I realized that with some of the rearranging, there's a snafu with the family name, "Mitterand-Schmidt." Colton would not have the surname "Schmidt" if his half-brother and sister did. But I don't want to change the last names of Taft and Gibson because I like the way they sound. So what to do? Well, simply transpose the name to "Schmidt-Mitterand." So, now Albert Schmidt is Albert Mitterand and his son is Colton Mitterand. And I like the way those names sound better now! Problem solved.
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