About a year ago, you may recall, I put out a blog entry entitled "If You See Something, Say Something." Oh, it was a delightful little spoof! Of game shows. Of celebrities. Of Tina Fey. Of Intellectual Property Theft. Of the little guy speaking truth to the corporate Goliath (yeah, I'm talking about you Uncle Walt!). Of lost coffee shops of days gone by.
So, in the blog, I was hosting a game-show called "Is This A Coincidence?" On the gameshow in the blog, a panel of celebrities (a hologram of Joan Crawford, A Tina Fey impersonator, and an Astral Projected Walt Disney cryo-head) had to determine if "evidence" I showed them of what I considered to be "appropriation of material" (namely, mine), was either that; or coincidence.
A la The Price is Right, this game-show had a spokes-model in the form of one Ann Reinking. I posted a clip of her and Leland Palmer and Erzsebet Foldi doing a number from the hospital scene from 1979's All That Jazz, Bob Fosse's movie masterpiece, more or less loosely based on his life. Here is the "hallucination" scene in it's entirety:
So, in the blog, I was hosting a game-show called "Is This A Coincidence?" On the gameshow in the blog, a panel of celebrities (a hologram of Joan Crawford, A Tina Fey impersonator, and an Astral Projected Walt Disney cryo-head) had to determine if "evidence" I showed them of what I considered to be "appropriation of material" (namely, mine), was either that; or coincidence.
A la The Price is Right, this game-show had a spokes-model in the form of one Ann Reinking. I posted a clip of her and Leland Palmer and Erzsebet Foldi doing a number from the hospital scene from 1979's All That Jazz, Bob Fosse's movie masterpiece, more or less loosely based on his life. Here is the "hallucination" scene in it's entirety:
So why did I choose a scene from All That Jazz? Who knows. I don't know why what comes into my head comes into my head. But I do know that the movie is very special to me. Very influential. I remember the who, what, when and where of going to see it. It was probably Spring or early Summer of 1980. I saw it with my cousin Kelly. I don't know why we picked it. This was a period when my interest in movies was morphing into an interest in Cinema. I had read the reviews of All That Jazz and was intrigued. I had no idea who Bob Fosse was when I was fourteen years old. Interestingly, it was he, of course, who directed Cabaret, which I saw at the Camp LeJeune drive-in movie when I was about seven. I remember that experience too. I was riveted to every frame of that very "grown-up" movie. It was speaking to parts of me that I didn't even know I had yet. My gay self was responding to Bob Fosse's aesthetic and world-view on a molecular level.
So, when I saw the pre-publicity for season 3 of Only Murders in the Building, I was not surprised at all by the Fosse imagery. In particular the super-glossy Fosse (TM/Reg./Pat Pend) look of ATJ. Interestingly, that IP is now...sigh...Disney property, as it was a 20th Century Fox film (that clip will probably disappear pretty quick). So, here's what I have to say to Uncle Walt. "Hey, you, Uncle Walt. Since you're so interested in turning your IP into remakes and Broadway shows, how about a stage musical version of All That Jazz on the Great White Way? I mean Walt, it's a no-brainer. It's already got most of the numbers done for you. And then of course, you could squeeze even more money out of it with a movie version of the Broadway musical version of a movie that was about the making of....I'm getting dizzy. I mean, hey, it would be way more interesting and original than say, a musical version of Lady and the Tramp.
So, when I saw the pre-publicity for season 3 of Only Murders in the Building, I was not surprised at all by the Fosse imagery. In particular the super-glossy Fosse (TM/Reg./Pat Pend) look of ATJ. Interestingly, that IP is now...sigh...Disney property, as it was a 20th Century Fox film (that clip will probably disappear pretty quick). So, here's what I have to say to Uncle Walt. "Hey, you, Uncle Walt. Since you're so interested in turning your IP into remakes and Broadway shows, how about a stage musical version of All That Jazz on the Great White Way? I mean Walt, it's a no-brainer. It's already got most of the numbers done for you. And then of course, you could squeeze even more money out of it with a movie version of the Broadway musical version of a movie that was about the making of....I'm getting dizzy. I mean, hey, it would be way more interesting and original than say, a musical version of Lady and the Tramp.
Please God...no.
So, without further ado, it's time for another episode of "Is This A Coincidence?"
AUDIENCE shouting in unison:
"IS...THIS...A...COINCIDENCE?!!?"
MUSIC CUE:
Esquivel's "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"
So, without further ado, it's time for another episode of "Is This A Coincidence?"
AUDIENCE shouting in unison:
"IS...THIS...A...COINCIDENCE?!!?"
MUSIC CUE:
Esquivel's "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"
As Ann Reinking dances:
Your host, Mr. Chris trots out onto the stage, beaming merrily, as the AUDIENCE APPLAUDS WILDY.
MR. CHRIS
Hello one and all of you out there in Streaming Media Land! (TM/Reg./Pat.Pend.)
MORE WILD APPLAUSE
Mr. Chris
Welcome once again to another episode of Is This a Coincidence? The game-show where you, the audience, decides the outcome of the game! So lets meet our panel of judges. Please put your hands together for The Queen of Hollywood...Miss Bette Davis!
A curtain parts and Bette Davis marches out and waves. The audience CHEERS.
BETTE
(Singing) I've written a letter to Daddy...Come on everyone, sing it with me...his address is heaven above! Instead of a stamp I put kisses--
The curtain starts moving and Joan Crawford storms out, waving her arms in the air.
JOAN
Hold it! Stop this! Halt!
The SINGING stops.
BETTE
Oh, Christ. Not you.
MR. CHRIS
Please welcome our second judge, The Poobah of Pepsi-Co: Miss Joan Crawford.
WILD APPLAUSE
JOAN
Thank you Chris; but I feel I must clear up a slight bit of mis-information.
MR. CHRIS
By all means!
JOAN
I'm afraid Bette is decidedly not the "Queen" of Hollywood.
BETTE
Oh, I suppose that would be you, of course?
JOAN
Well, if not me, then my former mother-in-law; Mary Pickford.
BETTE
You never miss a chance to drop a name, do you?
JOAN
Well, she was.
BETTE
Let's just skip it.
Bette goes to her seat at the panel desk as Joan raises her hands.
JOAN
You may applaud me now...
There is WILD APPLAUSE. Joan takes a bow and goes to her chair next to Bette and sits.
JOAN
(Dabbing at tears) I never knew there was so much love!
BETTE
Joan, you've known more love than the Kinsey Institute.
JOAN
(Ignoring her) Chris, you'll be happy to know that I did not bring any Pepsi today. You know, because of what happened last time.
BETTE
Well, I've installed a Royal Crown cola machine in the lobby. It's free audience, so help yourself--
The audience is already stampeding out of the auditorium.
MR. CHRIS
Hello one and all of you out there in Streaming Media Land! (TM/Reg./Pat.Pend.)
MORE WILD APPLAUSE
Mr. Chris
Welcome once again to another episode of Is This a Coincidence? The game-show where you, the audience, decides the outcome of the game! So lets meet our panel of judges. Please put your hands together for The Queen of Hollywood...Miss Bette Davis!
A curtain parts and Bette Davis marches out and waves. The audience CHEERS.
BETTE
(Singing) I've written a letter to Daddy...Come on everyone, sing it with me...his address is heaven above! Instead of a stamp I put kisses--
The curtain starts moving and Joan Crawford storms out, waving her arms in the air.
JOAN
Hold it! Stop this! Halt!
The SINGING stops.
BETTE
Oh, Christ. Not you.
MR. CHRIS
Please welcome our second judge, The Poobah of Pepsi-Co: Miss Joan Crawford.
WILD APPLAUSE
JOAN
Thank you Chris; but I feel I must clear up a slight bit of mis-information.
MR. CHRIS
By all means!
JOAN
I'm afraid Bette is decidedly not the "Queen" of Hollywood.
BETTE
Oh, I suppose that would be you, of course?
JOAN
Well, if not me, then my former mother-in-law; Mary Pickford.
BETTE
You never miss a chance to drop a name, do you?
JOAN
Well, she was.
BETTE
Let's just skip it.
Bette goes to her seat at the panel desk as Joan raises her hands.
JOAN
You may applaud me now...
There is WILD APPLAUSE. Joan takes a bow and goes to her chair next to Bette and sits.
JOAN
(Dabbing at tears) I never knew there was so much love!
BETTE
Joan, you've known more love than the Kinsey Institute.
JOAN
(Ignoring her) Chris, you'll be happy to know that I did not bring any Pepsi today. You know, because of what happened last time.
BETTE
Well, I've installed a Royal Crown cola machine in the lobby. It's free audience, so help yourself--
The audience is already stampeding out of the auditorium.
BETTE
You know Joan, RC is best...by taste test.
They blow cigarette smoke at one another.
CHRIS
Okay, let's bring out our next judge. You know her as The Queen of Broadway; Miss Helen Lawson and she's going to sing for us!
WILD APPLAUSE
You know Joan, RC is best...by taste test.
They blow cigarette smoke at one another.
CHRIS
Okay, let's bring out our next judge. You know her as The Queen of Broadway; Miss Helen Lawson and she's going to sing for us!
WILD APPLAUSE
MR. CHRIS
That was boffo! We're all madly in love!
HELEN
You bet your ass you are!
She goes to her seat at the panel.
JOAN
Wait a minute. You're Susan Hayward.
HELEN
I'm Helen Lawson! That's me, baby, remember?
BETTE
I'm confused.
MR. CHRIS
Actually, this is a projection of the character of Helen Lawson that Susan Hayward played in the movie, Valley of the Dolls; in which she replaced Judy Garland who was playing a character that was supposed to be Ethel Merman--
JOAN
Thanks for clearing that up Chris.
BETTE
Am I a projection?
MR. CHRIS
No Bette. But Joan is a hologram.
BETTE
Then I must be a ghost.
JOAN
Try witch.
MR. CHRIS
Our next guest needs no introduction. Let's put our hands together for Mr. Ed Grimley!
WILD APPLAUSE as Ed Grimley comes out and does a little dance and then takes his seat.
ED
Oh, I must say; I'm so very honored to be here; I must say! I'm going mental!
MR. CHRIS
Ed, we can't use that word anymore.
ED
Oh, please accept my apologies Mr. Sajak, sir! I'm so sorry, I must say! I'm so honored to be on Wheel of Fortune, it's the most major game show of all time, I must say!
MR. CHRIS
And finally...you know him, you love him, you know you wanna do him but you're not sure why: Mr. Steve Martin! Steve Martin comes out wearing a white suit. He has a toy arrow through his head and a banjo. He plucks at the banjo strings.
STEVE
(Singing) Grandpa, bought a rubber!
BETTE
How are these men celebrities?
MR. CHRIS
They're both comedians of world renown!
JOAN
Are they intellectually disabled?
MR. CHRIS
They have a combined IQ of 152! Of course, 142 of that is Steve.
BETTE
Could've fooled me.
That was boffo! We're all madly in love!
HELEN
You bet your ass you are!
She goes to her seat at the panel.
JOAN
Wait a minute. You're Susan Hayward.
HELEN
I'm Helen Lawson! That's me, baby, remember?
BETTE
I'm confused.
MR. CHRIS
Actually, this is a projection of the character of Helen Lawson that Susan Hayward played in the movie, Valley of the Dolls; in which she replaced Judy Garland who was playing a character that was supposed to be Ethel Merman--
JOAN
Thanks for clearing that up Chris.
BETTE
Am I a projection?
MR. CHRIS
No Bette. But Joan is a hologram.
BETTE
Then I must be a ghost.
JOAN
Try witch.
MR. CHRIS
Our next guest needs no introduction. Let's put our hands together for Mr. Ed Grimley!
WILD APPLAUSE as Ed Grimley comes out and does a little dance and then takes his seat.
ED
Oh, I must say; I'm so very honored to be here; I must say! I'm going mental!
MR. CHRIS
Ed, we can't use that word anymore.
ED
Oh, please accept my apologies Mr. Sajak, sir! I'm so sorry, I must say! I'm so honored to be on Wheel of Fortune, it's the most major game show of all time, I must say!
MR. CHRIS
And finally...you know him, you love him, you know you wanna do him but you're not sure why: Mr. Steve Martin! Steve Martin comes out wearing a white suit. He has a toy arrow through his head and a banjo. He plucks at the banjo strings.
STEVE
(Singing) Grandpa, bought a rubber!
BETTE
How are these men celebrities?
MR. CHRIS
They're both comedians of world renown!
JOAN
Are they intellectually disabled?
MR. CHRIS
They have a combined IQ of 152! Of course, 142 of that is Steve.
BETTE
Could've fooled me.
MR. CHRIS
And finally; we're so happy to have her back...Ms. Teena Fay!
WILD APPLAUSE
Teena comes out in a go-go outfit and does a go-go dance with Ann Reinking. Ed Grimley, unable to contain himself, leaps up and joins them.
TEENA
All right; that's enough.
The MUSIC cuts out but Ed keeps dancing.
TEENA
I won't be judging this time. I'm just here to supply caustic asides and droll quips.
MR. CHRIS
I wouldn't expect anything less! Now, if Ed will kindly stop dancing and take his seat, we can begin!
ED
I'm just a born twinkle toes, if you must know! I like to sing, I like to dance, and I love Wheat Thins; quite a lot, I must say!
Ed returns to his seat.
JOAN
(Putting another cigarette to her lips; to Steve) Do you mind if I smoke?
STEVE
No. Do you mind if I fart?
BETTE
Now that's comedy.
MR. CHRIS
Okay, let's get started--
BETTE
But what about the audience? They're still in the lobby.
TEENA
Chris doesn't really need an audience for this. Or contestants. Or prizes.
HELEN LAWSON
Or dignity. And it takes real dignity to walk away from a Helen Lawson show, baby.
CHRIS
Alrighty then. Ann, if you would be so kind.
Ann dances over to a stand, from which she picks up a remote control device. She Fosse flicks (TM/Reg./Pat.Pend) the remote and a screen lowers.
CHRIS
As you may recall, on our last show, Ann and company did a little opening number. Let's watch the clip.
Ann Fosse-flicks again and the footage rolls.
And finally; we're so happy to have her back...Ms. Teena Fay!
WILD APPLAUSE
Teena comes out in a go-go outfit and does a go-go dance with Ann Reinking. Ed Grimley, unable to contain himself, leaps up and joins them.
TEENA
All right; that's enough.
The MUSIC cuts out but Ed keeps dancing.
TEENA
I won't be judging this time. I'm just here to supply caustic asides and droll quips.
MR. CHRIS
I wouldn't expect anything less! Now, if Ed will kindly stop dancing and take his seat, we can begin!
ED
I'm just a born twinkle toes, if you must know! I like to sing, I like to dance, and I love Wheat Thins; quite a lot, I must say!
Ed returns to his seat.
JOAN
(Putting another cigarette to her lips; to Steve) Do you mind if I smoke?
STEVE
No. Do you mind if I fart?
BETTE
Now that's comedy.
MR. CHRIS
Okay, let's get started--
BETTE
But what about the audience? They're still in the lobby.
TEENA
Chris doesn't really need an audience for this. Or contestants. Or prizes.
HELEN LAWSON
Or dignity. And it takes real dignity to walk away from a Helen Lawson show, baby.
CHRIS
Alrighty then. Ann, if you would be so kind.
Ann dances over to a stand, from which she picks up a remote control device. She Fosse flicks (TM/Reg./Pat.Pend) the remote and a screen lowers.
CHRIS
As you may recall, on our last show, Ann and company did a little opening number. Let's watch the clip.
Ann Fosse-flicks again and the footage rolls.
BETTE
I don't understand. Why are they in a hospital?
CHRIS
Well, you see Bob Fosse had heart problems and Roy Scheider is playing him; except the character's name is Joe Gideon; who's really Bob Fosse and Ann is playing Katie, Joe's girlfriend who Ann really was in real life; Bob Fosse's, that is. And Ann's, of course.
JOAN
Thanks for clearing that up, Chris.
BETTE
What is the point of all this?
TEENA
Chris thinks he's being ripped off by everybody in Hollywood, including the showrunners of Only Murders In the Building.
BETTE
"Ripped off"?
JOAN
Borrowed from? Inspiring of?
BETTE
Well, if we're talking about Hollywood, then you mean "stolen from."
HELEN
Look Chris, they drummed you right out of Hollywood. Soooooo, you come crawling back to Broadway. Well, Broadway doesn't go for booze and dope!
STEVE
Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse, me!
ED
Pat, I'd like to spin. Oh, I hope I don't lose a turn or go...oh no...bankrupt! That would be most unpleasant I must say!
BETTE
So, let me get this straight, so to speak. You showed a clip of Miss Reinking doing a classic Fosse number, yes? And then...
MR. CHRIS
And then Only Murders not only recreated this number; but built most of their pre-publicity around it.
HELEN
I kicked him out of my show, baby. Couldn't keep it in his pants.
BETTE
But, is not referencing Mr. Fosse old hat by now, so to speak?
TEENA
Sure. He's embedded in the culture; but come on. What are they odds? I don't think this could be "co" -incidence. I just think it's incidence.
MR. CHRIS
You like me! You really like me!
TEENA
Don't push it, Chris.
JOAN
Well, it seems that Uncle Walt may be winkingly acknowledging your calling him to the carpet.
BETTE
Or giving you the finger.
MR. CHRIS
Well, let's take a look at this clip from Season 3, Episode 2 of OMITB:
I don't understand. Why are they in a hospital?
CHRIS
Well, you see Bob Fosse had heart problems and Roy Scheider is playing him; except the character's name is Joe Gideon; who's really Bob Fosse and Ann is playing Katie, Joe's girlfriend who Ann really was in real life; Bob Fosse's, that is. And Ann's, of course.
JOAN
Thanks for clearing that up, Chris.
BETTE
What is the point of all this?
TEENA
Chris thinks he's being ripped off by everybody in Hollywood, including the showrunners of Only Murders In the Building.
BETTE
"Ripped off"?
JOAN
Borrowed from? Inspiring of?
BETTE
Well, if we're talking about Hollywood, then you mean "stolen from."
HELEN
Look Chris, they drummed you right out of Hollywood. Soooooo, you come crawling back to Broadway. Well, Broadway doesn't go for booze and dope!
STEVE
Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse, me!
ED
Pat, I'd like to spin. Oh, I hope I don't lose a turn or go...oh no...bankrupt! That would be most unpleasant I must say!
BETTE
So, let me get this straight, so to speak. You showed a clip of Miss Reinking doing a classic Fosse number, yes? And then...
MR. CHRIS
And then Only Murders not only recreated this number; but built most of their pre-publicity around it.
HELEN
I kicked him out of my show, baby. Couldn't keep it in his pants.
BETTE
But, is not referencing Mr. Fosse old hat by now, so to speak?
TEENA
Sure. He's embedded in the culture; but come on. What are they odds? I don't think this could be "co" -incidence. I just think it's incidence.
MR. CHRIS
You like me! You really like me!
TEENA
Don't push it, Chris.
JOAN
Well, it seems that Uncle Walt may be winkingly acknowledging your calling him to the carpet.
BETTE
Or giving you the finger.
MR. CHRIS
Well, let's take a look at this clip from Season 3, Episode 2 of OMITB:
JOAN
And what is the significance of this, Chris?
MR. CHRIS
Well, over the past year, I've been posting installments of my original screenplay: Heartfight.
BETTE
What's it about?
MR. CHRIS
Two men who fight with sticks in a giant wind-tunnel and fall in love.
BETTE
Okay. I'll give it points for originality. But the connection, in this case, escapes me.
JOAN
Well it doesn't escape me. I read it; and I have to ask: why is it three-hundred pages long?
MR. CHRIS
I got a little carried away.
HELEN
The show just needs a little doctorin', that's all.
ED
I'd like to buy a vowel. That would be really decent if you had a "U." Or a "W"; that would be even more decent!
Twice as decent, I must say!
STEVE
(Singing) Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia, funky Tut!
TEENA
All right. Let's hear it, Christopher. You think this story element from Murders is connected to your script, right?
MR. CHRIS
You said it, I didn't.
TEENA
How?
MR. CHRIS
Well, I know I throw the word "metaphor" around maybe more than I uses ellipses...but...that script is pretty much a 300 page metaphor about heartache, literally and figuratively; symbolically and yes METAPHORICALLY! Murders even had a scene where a doctor is discussing Martin Short's heart problem with him.
BETTE
And I suppose there's a scene in your script where--
MR. CHRIS
Yes!
BETTE
Scenes in doctor's offices came along right after they invented the close-up.
MR. CHRIS
Well, it wasn't exactly in an office...
STEVE
I don't think anyone could fail to see the startling similarities here. And just for the record, I only worked on the pilot.
JOAN
Oh, so you do speak in complete, intelligible sentences.
STEVE
(Singing) We're having some fun, here at the Boarding House, in San Franciscan, California...
HELEN
(To Steve) Didn't you used to date that little chippy, Bernadette something or other?
JOAN
Peters. A lovely woman!
HELEN
The only hit that comes out of a Helen Lawson show is Helen Lawson, baby; and that's why I had to tie a can to that little broad's tail!
And what is the significance of this, Chris?
MR. CHRIS
Well, over the past year, I've been posting installments of my original screenplay: Heartfight.
BETTE
What's it about?
MR. CHRIS
Two men who fight with sticks in a giant wind-tunnel and fall in love.
BETTE
Okay. I'll give it points for originality. But the connection, in this case, escapes me.
JOAN
Well it doesn't escape me. I read it; and I have to ask: why is it three-hundred pages long?
MR. CHRIS
I got a little carried away.
HELEN
The show just needs a little doctorin', that's all.
ED
I'd like to buy a vowel. That would be really decent if you had a "U." Or a "W"; that would be even more decent!
Twice as decent, I must say!
STEVE
(Singing) Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia, funky Tut!
TEENA
All right. Let's hear it, Christopher. You think this story element from Murders is connected to your script, right?
MR. CHRIS
You said it, I didn't.
TEENA
How?
MR. CHRIS
Well, I know I throw the word "metaphor" around maybe more than I uses ellipses...but...that script is pretty much a 300 page metaphor about heartache, literally and figuratively; symbolically and yes METAPHORICALLY! Murders even had a scene where a doctor is discussing Martin Short's heart problem with him.
BETTE
And I suppose there's a scene in your script where--
MR. CHRIS
Yes!
BETTE
Scenes in doctor's offices came along right after they invented the close-up.
MR. CHRIS
Well, it wasn't exactly in an office...
STEVE
I don't think anyone could fail to see the startling similarities here. And just for the record, I only worked on the pilot.
JOAN
Oh, so you do speak in complete, intelligible sentences.
STEVE
(Singing) We're having some fun, here at the Boarding House, in San Franciscan, California...
HELEN
(To Steve) Didn't you used to date that little chippy, Bernadette something or other?
JOAN
Peters. A lovely woman!
HELEN
The only hit that comes out of a Helen Lawson show is Helen Lawson, baby; and that's why I had to tie a can to that little broad's tail!
MR. CHRIS
It's really fascinating to me how much things are connected.
TEENA
Are you going to wax poetic?
MR. CHRIS
You know, like, Steve dated Bernadette and that was Andrea Martin playing her and now Andrea is on Only Murders. And Ed was on SCTV with Andrea and in the The Goodbye Girl with Bernadette Peters and Ed was on The Tonight Show when Bette was on for like the last time in her life; that kind of thing.
JOAN
It sounds rather like that game, oh what's it called? "Six Inches From Kevin Spacey"!
BETTE
It's Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Can you connect me?
TEENA
You were in Wicked Stepmother with Colleen Camp and she was in Trapped with Kevin Bacon.
BETTE
My, that was quick.
CHRIS
Let's play "Three Degrees of Reidy-ation"!
ED
That's sounds like some decent fun. I'd like to spin, Pat!
TEENA
What is "Three Degrees of Reidy-ation"?
MR. CHRIS
That's where I try to connect myself to a given celebrity.
BETTE
Well, can you connect yourself to Kevin Bacon?
MR. CHRIS
Yeah, by one degree! A good friend of mine was next to him at a urinal in Nashville. He not only saw Kevin, he saw little Kevin!
JOAN
Well, was it worth seeing?
MR. CHRIS
Just rent Wild Things Joan. He was in the full-frontal forefront! He will give you ding-ding!
JOAN
I'll put that on my "to do" list!
BETTE
The movie, Joan; or Kevin?
MR. CHRIS
I can connect myself to Steve by zero degrees!
BETTE
Do tell!
MR. CHRIS
When I worked at the Polo store on Rodeo Drive in the 90's; I was walking to lunch and he was walking right towards me.
JOAN
Did you say hello?
MR. CHRIS
No. I'm really shy. Plus, I was too busy looking down.
TEENA
At the sidewalk?
MR. CHRIS
No...at Steve's swim-suit area.
JOAN
Go on!
MR. CHRIS
Well, you know, he's supposed to have one of the biggest ding-dings in show-biz; but I couldn't really tell. He was wearing roomy trousers.
JOAN
(To Steve) Mr. Martin, would you like to see my Keane painting?
STEVE
Would you like to see my penis?
It's really fascinating to me how much things are connected.
TEENA
Are you going to wax poetic?
MR. CHRIS
You know, like, Steve dated Bernadette and that was Andrea Martin playing her and now Andrea is on Only Murders. And Ed was on SCTV with Andrea and in the The Goodbye Girl with Bernadette Peters and Ed was on The Tonight Show when Bette was on for like the last time in her life; that kind of thing.
JOAN
It sounds rather like that game, oh what's it called? "Six Inches From Kevin Spacey"!
BETTE
It's Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Can you connect me?
TEENA
You were in Wicked Stepmother with Colleen Camp and she was in Trapped with Kevin Bacon.
BETTE
My, that was quick.
CHRIS
Let's play "Three Degrees of Reidy-ation"!
ED
That's sounds like some decent fun. I'd like to spin, Pat!
TEENA
What is "Three Degrees of Reidy-ation"?
MR. CHRIS
That's where I try to connect myself to a given celebrity.
BETTE
Well, can you connect yourself to Kevin Bacon?
MR. CHRIS
Yeah, by one degree! A good friend of mine was next to him at a urinal in Nashville. He not only saw Kevin, he saw little Kevin!
JOAN
Well, was it worth seeing?
MR. CHRIS
Just rent Wild Things Joan. He was in the full-frontal forefront! He will give you ding-ding!
JOAN
I'll put that on my "to do" list!
BETTE
The movie, Joan; or Kevin?
MR. CHRIS
I can connect myself to Steve by zero degrees!
BETTE
Do tell!
MR. CHRIS
When I worked at the Polo store on Rodeo Drive in the 90's; I was walking to lunch and he was walking right towards me.
JOAN
Did you say hello?
MR. CHRIS
No. I'm really shy. Plus, I was too busy looking down.
TEENA
At the sidewalk?
MR. CHRIS
No...at Steve's swim-suit area.
JOAN
Go on!
MR. CHRIS
Well, you know, he's supposed to have one of the biggest ding-dings in show-biz; but I couldn't really tell. He was wearing roomy trousers.
JOAN
(To Steve) Mr. Martin, would you like to see my Keane painting?
STEVE
Would you like to see my penis?
JOAN
Does Bambi shit in the woods?
MR. CHRIS
Okay...we may be getting a little off track here.
BETTE
Christopher. Can you connect yourself to me?
MR. CHRIS
Well, we're both Massholes.
BETTE
Oh! Where are you from? I'm from Lowell, myself. What a dump!
MR. CHRIS
I'm from Saugus.
BETTE
Home of the world famous Hilltop Steakhouse!
MR. CHRIS
They tore it down...
BETTE
What a shame. But if you're from the Bay State, my boy; you're all right in my book.
MR. CHRIS
So, I can connect myself to you by two degrees.
BETTE
Out with it!
MR. CHRIS
I had a friend when I first moved to L.A. She was an aspiring screenwriter. At one point she was Martin Short's assistant. And Martin was on The Tonight Show with you.
BETTE
Oh yes. I remember. And I'd rather not.
TEENA
Okay, enough with the stroll down memory lane. What are you going to do about people ripping you off?
MR. CHRIS
I guess all I can do is point it out and maybe someone will agree with me and I won't feel quite so insane.
JOAN
That sounds like a plan! Now, I don't know about you; but I'm hungrier than a freshly fucked fox in a forest fire! Where should we go to eat?
BETTE
The Hilltop! The meat is on Joan!
STEVE
After I see her etchings.
ED
Oh, a big platter of beef sounds grand, I must say!
JOAN
Let's get to work!
FLASHBACK SOUND EFFECT:
CUT TO:
INT. -THE HILLTOP STEAKHOUSE RESTAURANT -NIGHT
Does Bambi shit in the woods?
MR. CHRIS
Okay...we may be getting a little off track here.
BETTE
Christopher. Can you connect yourself to me?
MR. CHRIS
Well, we're both Massholes.
BETTE
Oh! Where are you from? I'm from Lowell, myself. What a dump!
MR. CHRIS
I'm from Saugus.
BETTE
Home of the world famous Hilltop Steakhouse!
MR. CHRIS
They tore it down...
BETTE
What a shame. But if you're from the Bay State, my boy; you're all right in my book.
MR. CHRIS
So, I can connect myself to you by two degrees.
BETTE
Out with it!
MR. CHRIS
I had a friend when I first moved to L.A. She was an aspiring screenwriter. At one point she was Martin Short's assistant. And Martin was on The Tonight Show with you.
BETTE
Oh yes. I remember. And I'd rather not.
TEENA
Okay, enough with the stroll down memory lane. What are you going to do about people ripping you off?
MR. CHRIS
I guess all I can do is point it out and maybe someone will agree with me and I won't feel quite so insane.
JOAN
That sounds like a plan! Now, I don't know about you; but I'm hungrier than a freshly fucked fox in a forest fire! Where should we go to eat?
BETTE
The Hilltop! The meat is on Joan!
STEVE
After I see her etchings.
ED
Oh, a big platter of beef sounds grand, I must say!
JOAN
Let's get to work!
FLASHBACK SOUND EFFECT:
CUT TO:
INT. -THE HILLTOP STEAKHOUSE RESTAURANT -NIGHT
WAITRESS
...and you ma'am? What'll you have?
JOAN
A double martini with two extra large olives and the biggest bone in steak you've got!
BETTE
Of course she does! I'll have the lobster pie and a bourbon. You can just leave the bottle on the table.
WAITRESS
And for you Sir?
MR. CHRIS
I'll have the broiled scallops. And could I get some extra lemon wedges?
WAITRESS
Whatever floats your boat.
She leaves.
BETTE
(Laughs) Only a Yankee would order seafood at a steakhouse!
ED
Oh, I'm so looking forward to my BLT sandwich! It's the most decent sandwich in history, I must say! I can't decide which letter is my favorite. Is it the B? No! It's most definitely the L. Or is it the T? Oh it's such a hard decision! Pat, I'd like to spin!
BETTE
I didn't see "BLT" on the menu...
ED
Well that's what I ordered, and I'm going mental over it!
MR. CHRIS
Ed...language...
ED
Oh, come on! Gimme a break, Mr. Sajak!
The lights dim and there's a DRUMROLL
JOAN
There seems to be a floor show about to start!
Steve Martin comes out dressed like an Egyptian Pharaoh and climbs up on to a table and starts singing "King Tut."
The waitress goes over.
WAITRESS
I'm sorry Sir, but you can't be barefoot in here. Sir? Please get down, Sir.
But Steve ignores her and continues his number.
BETTE
And Mr. Martin gets paid to do this?
MR. CHRIS
Yeah.
BETTE
Nice work if you can get it.
...and you ma'am? What'll you have?
JOAN
A double martini with two extra large olives and the biggest bone in steak you've got!
BETTE
Of course she does! I'll have the lobster pie and a bourbon. You can just leave the bottle on the table.
WAITRESS
And for you Sir?
MR. CHRIS
I'll have the broiled scallops. And could I get some extra lemon wedges?
WAITRESS
Whatever floats your boat.
She leaves.
BETTE
(Laughs) Only a Yankee would order seafood at a steakhouse!
ED
Oh, I'm so looking forward to my BLT sandwich! It's the most decent sandwich in history, I must say! I can't decide which letter is my favorite. Is it the B? No! It's most definitely the L. Or is it the T? Oh it's such a hard decision! Pat, I'd like to spin!
BETTE
I didn't see "BLT" on the menu...
ED
Well that's what I ordered, and I'm going mental over it!
MR. CHRIS
Ed...language...
ED
Oh, come on! Gimme a break, Mr. Sajak!
The lights dim and there's a DRUMROLL
JOAN
There seems to be a floor show about to start!
Steve Martin comes out dressed like an Egyptian Pharaoh and climbs up on to a table and starts singing "King Tut."
The waitress goes over.
WAITRESS
I'm sorry Sir, but you can't be barefoot in here. Sir? Please get down, Sir.
But Steve ignores her and continues his number.
BETTE
And Mr. Martin gets paid to do this?
MR. CHRIS
Yeah.
BETTE
Nice work if you can get it.
CFR 8/15/23
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