Celebrity Love Pass

So, I don't have to tell you about all the "reality" shows on the air; those shows that are somehow even less realistic than the dumb scripted shows we watched up until, I suppose MTV's The Real World which set the template.  And of course the competitive element.  And of course, of course, the "romance" element.  Well, I've come up with an idea for a show that features all of these stupid elements: Celebrity Love Pass or Celebrity (Place Heart Icon here) Pass.
You've heard of the "celebrity pass," yes?  It's that ridiculous concept that monogamous couples have, wherein they get a pass from their mate to "make love" to a particular celebrity they are enamored of?  Say, the wife's "pass" is, oh, I don't know...Aaron Rodgers.  And the husband's is...oh, I don't know...Maggie Q.  Of course, it could never happen because the whole thing is predicated on the assumption that the celebrity in question would "make love" to a total stranger.  I mean, how else could these fantasy assignations occur, other than in, say, an airport restroom or a restaurant coat-check room?  Or a hotel spa?

This game also presupposes that all celebrities are randy, horny, hungry, thirsty and slutty and will do it with anybody, anytime, anywhere!
But my show removes the presupposition!  The celebrity is "in."  They're ripe and ready to bang the contestant that chooses them.  Hey, they're getting a pay-check and publicity; sure beats voice-over work for Home Depot.

So, my concept of the show is kind of like The Bachelor meets The Great British Baking Show meets Indecent Proposal .  Our host is someone like, oh, let's say, Helen Mirren.  She's classy and unflappable; but you could picture her getting it on with some tall, dark stranger in an airport restroom.  I mean, she was in Caligula, so I'm guessing it's a safe bet that Helen would be all-in as our host.  We could get her off that idiotic When Nature Calls (no thanks, Uncle Walt).
So, a husband and wife or a husband and husband or a wife and wife or whatever combo of "committed" couple arrives at A) A fancy-schmancy manse or B) A tropical island or C) A ski chalet or...well, actually, we could change it up every week; but I bet the Playboy mansion is available! 

So, our couple arrives.  Let's call them "Bill" and "Jane" for simplicity's sake.  Bill has picked Lori Laughlin, Susan Dey and Maggie Q.  Jane's "celebrity pass" consists of Tony Danza, David Muir and Shemar Moore.  This does not necessarily mean they will encounter their celebrity pass.  You see, the problem is that most people would probably pick super A-list movie stars, like say, Channing Tatum.  Well, Channing is probably not going to be on Celebrity Love Pass, for a variety of reasons; not least of which is that he's too busy being a movie star and that he could probably have any super-hot person on the planet, of his choice, anytime or anywhere!  He's not going to need to indulge the fantasy of some housewife from Poughkeepsie.  Sorry "Jane."

Since I don't want to offend any current celebrities by putting them on "lists,"  I am going to use celebrities from back in the day as my pool of randy panelists.  For example, when I was explaining this contest to my husband I may have mentioned that a certain male celebrity with a really hard to spell last name was my "pass."  "Boy," he said, "that name was certainly on the tip of your tongue."  His "pass" is Willem Dafoe, btw.  "The way he is now?" I cried.  "Well," he replied, "I certainly can't have him the way he was then."  Good point.  Full disclosure: I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers.  Willem, I mean.  And my husband, I guess.
So, let's see...my choices would include Cary Grant (whose wouldn't?).  Roman Navarro.  And Steve McQueen, for starters.  Steve looks like he would've been a lot of fun between the sheets.  And fragrant.

​So, let's go with "B-list" and below stars of yesteryear.  So, Bill's picks are: Jane Blythe, Gloria Grahame, Lena Horne, Anna Mae Wong, Billie Burke and Jayne Mansfield.  Jane's picks are: Fred MacMurray, Clint Walker, Farley Granger, Rory Calhoun, Greg Morris and Sessue Hayakawa.

So, the couples arrive at the chateau (or whatever) and they split up.  Bill goes to the East Wing and Jane goes to the West wing; both with their "passes."  Unfortunately, the purist form of celebrity lust has been somewhat diluted due to the fact that both Bill and Jane have had to choose from a pool of celebrities that were vetted for "willingness" and "randiness."  The odds would be slim, at best; that any of the celebrities they have to choose from were "first picks."  But then, who wouldn't want to do Jayne Mansfield or Clint Walker?  Or Fred MacMurray for that matter?

On the first night of the competition, there is a formal soiree, hosted by Helen Mirren.  It's a meet and greet to see if any sparks fly between the contestants or the panelists.  Or the panelists and the panelists.  You see, a la Big Brother, every room is wired for sound and camera ready: so, say, Clint Walker and Rory Calhoun, say, hit it off it's all on camera!  Horny yet?
Or perhaps we could have three couples.  Not just Jane and Bill; but Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice and Mary and Gary.  You know, up the competition factor.  Like Bill and Bob and Ted and Gary are all trying to land Jayne Mansfield (or whoever).  So, now we set up "meet-cute" contests with an emphasis on cooking.  Like, say, Jane lands a "date" with Fred MacMurray and they have to make a cake together from scratch; as do Alice and Rory and Mary and Sessue.  But that cake better be kick-ass; because Helen and guest celebrity judges (Martha Stewart, Rachel Ray, Gordon Ramsay) are calling the shots.  Not just about the desserts; but about who gets to go with who on the next date.  And, the judges can pre-empt decisions and decide to go on "dates" with whoever they want.  Like, say, Gordon might decide he wants to "bake a cake" with Jane and she has to roll in the flour or be disqualified.  And so on and so on...until, ultimately each couple has whittled down their choices to their final pick; upon which they bestow a bowl of green M&M's (product tie-in).  So, let's say our first couple Jane and Bill end up with Gloria Grahame for Bill and Greg Morris for Jane.  Cue the APPLAUSE sign!  But wait, not so fast.  A bomb is dropped on our contestants.  They can only win the Grand Prize of $1,000,000.00 if they agree to allow their night of passion with their celebrity pass to be filmed and made available to the public.  Sort of a semi-celebrity sex tape.

Exciting huh?
And if you could tell me how this concept could be any more insane than any show that happens to air or has been aired already; I'd love to hear it.  Because, let's face it...celebrity is a pretty open-ended term nowadays.  Anyone can be a celebrity; anyone who's willing to unabashedly and unashamedly air their dirty laundry and flash their junk climbing out of a Kia hatch-back.  I mean...how else do you explain Mama June?

So, I was getting feedback from my hubs on this concept.  I asked him what he would do if he were to produce a show along this theme.  His take was decidedly more "wham, bam, thank you Ma'am and/or Sam."  He would pattern the show on the classic Match Game.  The couple come out together.  Jane has her picks on the top row.  Bill has his picks on the bottom row.  Questions along the lines of: "Slutty Sally was so slutty, she thought that Bilbo Baggins was named after a *BLANK*"

And then the winner gets to go backstage to the "pink room" where their seven minutes in heaven is recorded for posterity.  The syndicated version is pixelated and bleeped; but the Showtime After Dark version shows you everything.
Viewer Discretion is Advised!  I mean, do you really want to see the back of Clint Walker's scrotum?  Maybe you do.  But be careful what you wish for, right?

CFR 2/4/22