You've heard of the "celebrity pass," yes? It's that ridiculous concept that monogamous couples have, wherein they get a pass from their mate to "make love" to a particular celebrity they are enamored of? Say, the wife's "pass" is, oh, I don't know...Aaron Rodgers. And the husband's is...oh, I don't know...Maggie Q. Of course, it could never happen because the whole thing is predicated on the assumption that the celebrity in question would "make love" to a total stranger. I mean, how else could these fantasy assignations occur, other than in, say, an airport restroom or a restaurant coat-check room? Or a hotel spa?
But my show removes the presupposition! The celebrity is "in." They're ripe and ready to bang the contestant that chooses them. Hey, they're getting a pay-check and publicity; sure beats voice-over work for Home Depot.
So, a husband and wife or a husband and husband or a wife and wife or whatever combo of "committed" couple arrives at A) A fancy-schmancy manse or B) A tropical island or C) A ski chalet or...well, actually, we could change it up every week; but I bet the Playboy mansion is available!
So, let's see...my choices would include Cary Grant (whose wouldn't?). Roman Navarro. And Steve McQueen, for starters. Steve looks like he would've been a lot of fun between the sheets. And fragrant.
Or perhaps we could have three couples. Not just Jane and Bill; but Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice and Mary and Gary. You know, up the competition factor. Like Bill and Bob and Ted and Gary are all trying to land Jayne Mansfield (or whoever). So, now we set up "meet-cute" contests with an emphasis on cooking. Like, say, Jane lands a "date" with Fred MacMurray and they have to make a cake together from scratch; as do Alice and Rory and Mary and Sessue. But that cake better be kick-ass; because Helen and guest celebrity judges (Martha Stewart, Rachel Ray, Gordon Ramsay) are calling the shots. Not just about the desserts; but about who gets to go with who on the next date. And, the judges can pre-empt decisions and decide to go on "dates" with whoever they want. Like, say, Gordon might decide he wants to "bake a cake" with Jane and she has to roll in the flour or be disqualified. And so on and so on...until, ultimately each couple has whittled down their choices to their final pick; upon which they bestow a bowl of green M&M's (product tie-in). So, let's say our first couple Jane and Bill end up with Gloria Grahame for Bill and Greg Morris for Jane. Cue the APPLAUSE sign! But wait, not so fast. A bomb is dropped on our contestants. They can only win the Grand Prize of $1,000,000.00 if they agree to allow their night of passion with their celebrity pass to be filmed and made available to the public. Sort of a semi-celebrity sex tape.
And if you could tell me how this concept could be any more insane than any show that happens to air or has been aired already; I'd love to hear it. Because, let's face it...celebrity is a pretty open-ended term nowadays. Anyone can be a celebrity; anyone who's willing to unabashedly and unashamedly air their dirty laundry and flash their junk climbing out of a Kia hatch-back. I mean...how else do you explain Mama June?
Viewer Discretion is Advised! I mean, do you really want to see the back of Clint Walker's scrotum? Maybe you do. But be careful what you wish for, right?