Joan Crawford QCs her sex tape, believed to be Hollywood's first.
Warning: more frank talk about dirty stuff. May contain "triggering" material. Reader discretion is advised.
Joan Crawford was a slut. It's pretty well established. She did little to hide her voracious sexual appetite. She made it a point to nail every new stud that arrived in Tinseltown. Getting banged by Joan was a badge of honor for newbies and wannabes. Male and female (when she was in the mood for a taco). Joan probably banged more stars then there are in the heavens. At least more than the average studio boss, as they were more or less limited to one studio. Joan was unabashed, by all accounts, of her legendary lady lothariority. She pretty much bragged about it. She was a slut and she didn't care. Nobody was going to shame her. If L.B. Mayer could get laid (layed?) as much he wanted, no questions asked, then why couldn't Joan? She was really ahead of her time. An unapologetic slut. I think that's one of the reasons gay men love her so much. It's so easy to be slutty if you're a good looking gay man (even not so good looking).
Now, let me clarify, before you go running to your local GLAAD chapter to report me as a Log Cabin Republican or something. The opportunities for a gay man to be slutty are endless. Now you can find out where a slutty guy looking for action and how many clicks away from you he is, in real time, via your phone. On an airplane and want to join the mile high club with another slutty guy? Just click the Grindr app on your phone and meet him in the john. That's how easy it is. And guys are guys. They're horny. Women do not generally engage in anonymous and instantaneous hook-ups. That's why there are no female glory holes outside of a John Waters movie. Or cruisy areas of parks and beaches where women wander around looking for sex. That's just not how women operate. And if they did operate that way, how many straight guys do you think would go to these places to seek them out? It's a good question, but I'm guessing a lot.
Actually, I just searched "female glory hole" and a whole lot of stuff popped up. Yes, women on the business side of glory holes. But you know it was a man's idea. But I digress.
Warning: more frank talk about dirty stuff. May contain "triggering" material. Reader discretion is advised.
Joan Crawford was a slut. It's pretty well established. She did little to hide her voracious sexual appetite. She made it a point to nail every new stud that arrived in Tinseltown. Getting banged by Joan was a badge of honor for newbies and wannabes. Male and female (when she was in the mood for a taco). Joan probably banged more stars then there are in the heavens. At least more than the average studio boss, as they were more or less limited to one studio. Joan was unabashed, by all accounts, of her legendary lady lothariority. She pretty much bragged about it. She was a slut and she didn't care. Nobody was going to shame her. If L.B. Mayer could get laid (layed?) as much he wanted, no questions asked, then why couldn't Joan? She was really ahead of her time. An unapologetic slut. I think that's one of the reasons gay men love her so much. It's so easy to be slutty if you're a good looking gay man (even not so good looking).
Now, let me clarify, before you go running to your local GLAAD chapter to report me as a Log Cabin Republican or something. The opportunities for a gay man to be slutty are endless. Now you can find out where a slutty guy looking for action and how many clicks away from you he is, in real time, via your phone. On an airplane and want to join the mile high club with another slutty guy? Just click the Grindr app on your phone and meet him in the john. That's how easy it is. And guys are guys. They're horny. Women do not generally engage in anonymous and instantaneous hook-ups. That's why there are no female glory holes outside of a John Waters movie. Or cruisy areas of parks and beaches where women wander around looking for sex. That's just not how women operate. And if they did operate that way, how many straight guys do you think would go to these places to seek them out? It's a good question, but I'm guessing a lot.
Actually, I just searched "female glory hole" and a whole lot of stuff popped up. Yes, women on the business side of glory holes. But you know it was a man's idea. But I digress.
Warren Beatty holding his gun on the set of Bonnie and Clyde.
Can a straight man be a slut? Sure he can. He's just not going to be called a "slut." He's going to be called a "womanizer" or a "lothario" or a "Cassanova" or a "ladie's man." All of these terms being more badges of honor than insults.
Just to be clear here, I'm talking about men who in no way have to coerce, force or intimidate a woman into sex. I'm talking about men like Warren who had to fight off women with a stick. I wonder if Joan Crawford and Warren Beatty hooked up? He started out in LaLaWood in the late 50's. Joan was at the height of her Hard As Nails Women of a Certain Age period:
Can a straight man be a slut? Sure he can. He's just not going to be called a "slut." He's going to be called a "womanizer" or a "lothario" or a "Cassanova" or a "ladie's man." All of these terms being more badges of honor than insults.
Just to be clear here, I'm talking about men who in no way have to coerce, force or intimidate a woman into sex. I'm talking about men like Warren who had to fight off women with a stick. I wonder if Joan Crawford and Warren Beatty hooked up? He started out in LaLaWood in the late 50's. Joan was at the height of her Hard As Nails Women of a Certain Age period:
Yeah, he was in his prime and she was at her peak. You know they did it!
Before I go into detail about the sluttyness of certain celebrities; I should be up front and say that I was not immune to the lifestyle back in the day. And by "back in the day" I mean the 80's. The 80's might have been the sluttiest decade ever; even sluttier than the 70's, if that's possible. And apparently it was! I am not, here, going to go into the details of my personal sluttiness; suffice to say that I had my moments. Perhaps a non-fiction book, investigating the roots of my own personal sluttiness (how do you spell it anyways?) would be the route to go with those particular personal reflections. I will say that my own sluttiness was borne of loneliness and self-esteem issues. I'll leave it at that.
So, let's talk about "celebrity sex tapes." Does a celebrity who makes a sex tape automatically become a slut? I would argue, yes. I think anyone who would make a sex tape, celebrity or otherwise, is kinda slutty. The two most famous celebrity sex tapes made money for both of the stars (Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian), allegedly. Millions in the case of Kardashian. Don't tell me that wasn't all planned. And of course, that sex tape led to Keeping Up With the Kardashians. That's a whole other kind of sluttiness. That's being a slut for money, fame, luxury goods, more money, more fame, haute couture, low couture, mid-level couture, Dress Barn runway (a real draw), publicity, conspicuous consumption, designer goods, luxury cars, VIP rooms, plastic surgery, kitchen appliances, bigger and bigger implants, luxury houses, high rent zip codes, migraine medications, even more publicity, selfies, "influencing," camera time, media saturation, jewelry, patio furniture, endorsements, products, goods....stuff. Stuff, stuff and more stuff. One more endorsement...don't worry...it's wafer thin...
And I'm not just talking about Kim.* I'm talking about her whole family. I'm sorry, they're just gross. They take American Wretched Excess to new heights. Or lows. It's like Kim's bum gets bigger and bigger with every latest acquisition. And don't give me all that "...wha, wha, whaaa...they'rrrrrre body shammmmming meeeeeeee..."
Look Kim, if you don't want your ass talked about and/or criticized; keep it in your pants. Stop oiling it up and taking selfies of it. Thank you.
Before I go into detail about the sluttyness of certain celebrities; I should be up front and say that I was not immune to the lifestyle back in the day. And by "back in the day" I mean the 80's. The 80's might have been the sluttiest decade ever; even sluttier than the 70's, if that's possible. And apparently it was! I am not, here, going to go into the details of my personal sluttiness; suffice to say that I had my moments. Perhaps a non-fiction book, investigating the roots of my own personal sluttiness (how do you spell it anyways?) would be the route to go with those particular personal reflections. I will say that my own sluttiness was borne of loneliness and self-esteem issues. I'll leave it at that.
So, let's talk about "celebrity sex tapes." Does a celebrity who makes a sex tape automatically become a slut? I would argue, yes. I think anyone who would make a sex tape, celebrity or otherwise, is kinda slutty. The two most famous celebrity sex tapes made money for both of the stars (Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian), allegedly. Millions in the case of Kardashian. Don't tell me that wasn't all planned. And of course, that sex tape led to Keeping Up With the Kardashians. That's a whole other kind of sluttiness. That's being a slut for money, fame, luxury goods, more money, more fame, haute couture, low couture, mid-level couture, Dress Barn runway (a real draw), publicity, conspicuous consumption, designer goods, luxury cars, VIP rooms, plastic surgery, kitchen appliances, bigger and bigger implants, luxury houses, high rent zip codes, migraine medications, even more publicity, selfies, "influencing," camera time, media saturation, jewelry, patio furniture, endorsements, products, goods....stuff. Stuff, stuff and more stuff. One more endorsement...don't worry...it's wafer thin...
And I'm not just talking about Kim.* I'm talking about her whole family. I'm sorry, they're just gross. They take American Wretched Excess to new heights. Or lows. It's like Kim's bum gets bigger and bigger with every latest acquisition. And don't give me all that "...wha, wha, whaaa...they'rrrrrre body shammmmming meeeeeeee..."
Look Kim, if you don't want your ass talked about and/or criticized; keep it in your pants. Stop oiling it up and taking selfies of it. Thank you.
But celebrity slutiness goes both ways, so to speak. We've also got what is known in the common parlance as a "Starfucker."
A starfucker is someone who targets celebrities with the intent of, well...fucking them. But that is so crude. Let's use "make love," instead. I've talked about the "Celebrity Love Pass": you know, that ridiculous thing where committed couples give each other a pass if say, Mr. Smith happens to run into his pass at a Holiday Inn; so he gets to make love to Gwyneth Paltrow; that is, if Gwyneth is so interested. Mrs. Smith gets to make love to LL Cool J if he happens to be up for it at the Motel 6. That thing.
Now, the starfucker (not to be confused with the "groupie" which is more of a music thing) is someone who finds themselves around celebrities/stars on a fairly regular basis. Like, a movie critic, say. Let's pick a well known critic and assume he or she was a "starfucker"; on a purely hypothetical level, of course. Gene Shalit, say. Yes, let's use Gene as an example...
A starfucker is someone who targets celebrities with the intent of, well...fucking them. But that is so crude. Let's use "make love," instead. I've talked about the "Celebrity Love Pass": you know, that ridiculous thing where committed couples give each other a pass if say, Mr. Smith happens to run into his pass at a Holiday Inn; so he gets to make love to Gwyneth Paltrow; that is, if Gwyneth is so interested. Mrs. Smith gets to make love to LL Cool J if he happens to be up for it at the Motel 6. That thing.
Now, the starfucker (not to be confused with the "groupie" which is more of a music thing) is someone who finds themselves around celebrities/stars on a fairly regular basis. Like, a movie critic, say. Let's pick a well known critic and assume he or she was a "starfucker"; on a purely hypothetical level, of course. Gene Shalit, say. Yes, let's use Gene as an example...
Gene was a pretty powerful critic at one point. I think. Let's pretend it's 1986 and the cast of Howard the Duck arrive at 30 Rock to plug the movie on the TODAY show. Gene makes it clear in the green room that he's willing to give the film a rave review, unlike nearly every other film critic in the country. That is, if Lea Thompson is willing to "come by my office later." Or maybe Tim Robbins. Or maybe both. Because Tim and Lea both know that the film (and thusly, their careers) needs all the help it can get. And they both know that Gene's solicitous hands on their shoulders means he wants to give mustache rides.
I bet a lot of critics pulled this tactic. I wonder how often it worked? Probably more than you'd think. And who's to say their aren't a lot of stars out there that want to get F'd? You know, the slutty ones, like Ms. Crawford. The ones that have a kinky kink where banging someone with "alternative looks" turns them on. Like maybe Lea Thompson would be totally into Gene Shalit. She can put another notch on her lipstick case; right next to Roger Ebert's, Gene Siskel's and Pauline Kael's. Hypothetically, natch.
I bet a lot of critics pulled this tactic. I wonder how often it worked? Probably more than you'd think. And who's to say their aren't a lot of stars out there that want to get F'd? You know, the slutty ones, like Ms. Crawford. The ones that have a kinky kink where banging someone with "alternative looks" turns them on. Like maybe Lea Thompson would be totally into Gene Shalit. She can put another notch on her lipstick case; right next to Roger Ebert's, Gene Siskel's and Pauline Kael's. Hypothetically, natch.
So, why do so many people want to F stars and get slutty with them? I'm not sure. Stars are just the same old people like us, who got lucky. They get the Hollywood gloss and put up on a movie screen and then become unobtainable. So, I suppose the fame part, has a great deal to do with it. And charisma, I suppose.
So, here's a million dollar idea that will satisfy, hopefully, all the sluttiness on either side of the equation:
The Celebrity Look-alike Escort Service!
That doesn't exactly roll off the tongue though. We've gotta come up with something more flashy...how about...
StarFuckers Inc.? Nah, too crude. What about, The Celebrity Clone Love Encounter? No. How about, Fauxlebrity Love Match? Yeah, I kinda like that.
Fauxlebrity Love Match.
So, here's a million dollar idea that will satisfy, hopefully, all the sluttiness on either side of the equation:
The Celebrity Look-alike Escort Service!
That doesn't exactly roll off the tongue though. We've gotta come up with something more flashy...how about...
StarFuckers Inc.? Nah, too crude. What about, The Celebrity Clone Love Encounter? No. How about, Fauxlebrity Love Match? Yeah, I kinda like that.
Fauxlebrity Love Match.
God knows this may already exist. Let's listen in...
(Phone ringing)
Fauxlebrity Love Match. How may I direct your call?
How does this work?
How does what work, Sir?
Your service...
Well, if you visit our website, you can find the celebrity look-alike of your choice--
Aaron Rodgers!
We do have an Aaron Rodgers; but he's booked--
Jake Gyllenhaal!
He's out of town. Very popular you know--
Gene Shalit!
I'm afraid we don't have him. How about Harvey Keitel?
Young Harvey Keitel?
We have fours Harvey Keitels, at various life stages. Our middle aged Harvey is available right now...
That could work...
We also have packages. Would you like to hear about them?
Yes, please.
Well, we have celebrity themed package deals. For example, you could purchase our Golden Girls package and our incredible versions of Dorothy, Rose, Blanche and Sofia are yours for the night. Or weekend!
Are they in character?
Well...uhhm...yes...
What if I wanted it to be Bea Arthur, Rue McClanahan, Betty White and Estelle Getty?
What's the difference?
They wouldn't be in character. They'd be playing themselves.
But Sir, they wouldn't be the actual stars. Those actresses have all passed away.
Would your employees be willing to pretend they were actually those actresses and then go in and out of both those characters and the characters they played on The Golden Girls?
I suppose you'd have to discuss it with them...
I'm looking at the website right now. I see you have a Mary Tyler Moore Show package.
Oh yes! It's one of our best-sellers!
But what if I just wanted Ed Asner and John Amos?
John who?
John Amos. He played Gordy the Weatherman.
Ah, could you describe him?
He played the dad on Good Times.
Oh, of course! His character is not part of The Mary Tyler Moore Show package; but he is part of the Good Times package. And I've heard he really is a good time!
What If I just wanted Lou Grant?
I'm sorry, but we can't break up a package. You'd have to pay for Mary, Rhoda, Phyllis, Ted Baxter, Georgette and Murray as well.
If I did that, would they all have to come?
Excuse me?
I mean, could it just be Lou and the others could stay home?
Well, the look-alikes in the packages have a kind of routine. Maybe the other six could just watch? I mean, you're paying for them anyway.
What kind of freak do you think I am?
(Phone ringing)
Fauxlebrity Love Match. How may I direct your call?
How does this work?
How does what work, Sir?
Your service...
Well, if you visit our website, you can find the celebrity look-alike of your choice--
Aaron Rodgers!
We do have an Aaron Rodgers; but he's booked--
Jake Gyllenhaal!
He's out of town. Very popular you know--
Gene Shalit!
I'm afraid we don't have him. How about Harvey Keitel?
Young Harvey Keitel?
We have fours Harvey Keitels, at various life stages. Our middle aged Harvey is available right now...
That could work...
We also have packages. Would you like to hear about them?
Yes, please.
Well, we have celebrity themed package deals. For example, you could purchase our Golden Girls package and our incredible versions of Dorothy, Rose, Blanche and Sofia are yours for the night. Or weekend!
Are they in character?
Well...uhhm...yes...
What if I wanted it to be Bea Arthur, Rue McClanahan, Betty White and Estelle Getty?
What's the difference?
They wouldn't be in character. They'd be playing themselves.
But Sir, they wouldn't be the actual stars. Those actresses have all passed away.
Would your employees be willing to pretend they were actually those actresses and then go in and out of both those characters and the characters they played on The Golden Girls?
I suppose you'd have to discuss it with them...
I'm looking at the website right now. I see you have a Mary Tyler Moore Show package.
Oh yes! It's one of our best-sellers!
But what if I just wanted Ed Asner and John Amos?
John who?
John Amos. He played Gordy the Weatherman.
Ah, could you describe him?
He played the dad on Good Times.
Oh, of course! His character is not part of The Mary Tyler Moore Show package; but he is part of the Good Times package. And I've heard he really is a good time!
What If I just wanted Lou Grant?
I'm sorry, but we can't break up a package. You'd have to pay for Mary, Rhoda, Phyllis, Ted Baxter, Georgette and Murray as well.
If I did that, would they all have to come?
Excuse me?
I mean, could it just be Lou and the others could stay home?
Well, the look-alikes in the packages have a kind of routine. Maybe the other six could just watch? I mean, you're paying for them anyway.
What kind of freak do you think I am?
I'm sorry Sir, I didn't mean to imply that you--
I'm just kidding. I'm a total freak. So what about Sue Ann Nivens?
Who?
You know; "The Happy Homemaker" at WJM, played by Betty White.
Right! Well, you see, our Betty White is part of The Golden Girls package...
If I purchased the MTM package, could I get her?
But you just said you only wanted Ed and John. That would make it much more expensive. And as we've discussed, Fauxlebrity Love Match doesn't break up sets.
It just wouldn't seem right without Sue Ann...
Sir, I really think you're over-thinking this...
I see here you have a Dirty Grandpa package...
Yes, we do; another popular one; and it has an opening!
Yeah, so...like...what stages of life are Zac Efron and Robert De Niro in?
Well, actually, it's interesting that you ask. Senior citizen Robert De Niro or Dick Kelly, as his character is named, is having a hernia operation. However, Godfather II era De Niro could fill in. And our Zac Efron, a.k.a. Jason Kelly, is approximately the age he was in the movie--give or take a year or two.
But doesn't that sort of wreck the whole "grandpa" thing? I mean if I order a dirty grandpa; I want a dirty grandpa.
I understand your position; but it's all I can offer you at this point. But I've gotta say...Godfather Part II era De Niro is not too shabby.
Do you have a Godfather package?
We did, but we've had trouble finding good Diane Keatons.
Will the Kelly's recreate the shirtless scene from the movie.
Oh yes. And the pantless scene. And the underwearless scene. Whatever your scene is, The Kelly men will deliver! Except the grandpa thing.
Do you have a High School Musical package?
No Sir, we don't. That would be illegal. We do have a Grease package though. No one from that movie was under twenty-five.
Nah, Dody Goodman is a little too spicy for my tastes. Yeah, book me for the Dirty, not really Grandpa package for tomorrow night.
And how would you like to pay for that?
Diner's Club.
Great! That'll be five-thousand, two-hundred and seventeen dollars and thirty-nine cents.
(Click)
Sir? Sir? Hello...pffffft. Cheap bastard.
I'm just kidding. I'm a total freak. So what about Sue Ann Nivens?
Who?
You know; "The Happy Homemaker" at WJM, played by Betty White.
Right! Well, you see, our Betty White is part of The Golden Girls package...
If I purchased the MTM package, could I get her?
But you just said you only wanted Ed and John. That would make it much more expensive. And as we've discussed, Fauxlebrity Love Match doesn't break up sets.
It just wouldn't seem right without Sue Ann...
Sir, I really think you're over-thinking this...
I see here you have a Dirty Grandpa package...
Yes, we do; another popular one; and it has an opening!
Yeah, so...like...what stages of life are Zac Efron and Robert De Niro in?
Well, actually, it's interesting that you ask. Senior citizen Robert De Niro or Dick Kelly, as his character is named, is having a hernia operation. However, Godfather II era De Niro could fill in. And our Zac Efron, a.k.a. Jason Kelly, is approximately the age he was in the movie--give or take a year or two.
But doesn't that sort of wreck the whole "grandpa" thing? I mean if I order a dirty grandpa; I want a dirty grandpa.
I understand your position; but it's all I can offer you at this point. But I've gotta say...Godfather Part II era De Niro is not too shabby.
Do you have a Godfather package?
We did, but we've had trouble finding good Diane Keatons.
Will the Kelly's recreate the shirtless scene from the movie.
Oh yes. And the pantless scene. And the underwearless scene. Whatever your scene is, The Kelly men will deliver! Except the grandpa thing.
Do you have a High School Musical package?
No Sir, we don't. That would be illegal. We do have a Grease package though. No one from that movie was under twenty-five.
Nah, Dody Goodman is a little too spicy for my tastes. Yeah, book me for the Dirty, not really Grandpa package for tomorrow night.
And how would you like to pay for that?
Diner's Club.
Great! That'll be five-thousand, two-hundred and seventeen dollars and thirty-nine cents.
(Click)
Sir? Sir? Hello...pffffft. Cheap bastard.
And scene!
You know, I'm not sure if this blog is in support of sluts or slut shaming. I would never want to shame anyone; but when it comes to being a slut, perhaps a little shaming is a good thing. You know, a gentle shaming that works as a prophylaxis. Also, being a slut can put you into actual danger, so maybe being discouraged from the lifestyle isn't necessarily an awful thing. So be careful out there. Be safe and play safe!
* Not to single out Kim. I actually like Kim. She has charm and a winning personality. I get why people are obsessed with her. She's living that life that so many of us want. Except I don't like that lifestyle: the part where they shove it down everyone else's throat. I mean, if you're fabulously wealthy great. You've gotta spend your money somehow. But maybe instead of going to the Met Gala and sitting around getting glam sessions while you drone on endlessly about absolutely nothing...and having it televised.
Maybe you could use your show (and there's another show coming, from Uncle Walt, no less) to do something a little more kulturally enriching. How about, "The Kardashians Go to Outward Bound." Or, "Khloe and Kourtney Join the Peace Korps." Or maybe we could follow the family as they all learn a trade at a local school. Perhaps the West Valley Occupational Center. Kim could learn plumbing. Khloe could learn how to be a pharmacy technician. Kourtney could learn how to be a manicurist. They all could learn how to be manicurists, right? They're certainly into their nails (and girls, I'm sorry, but those eagle talons don't look good on anyone. They just don't. They make you look like a coven of witches). Kris could go into video production and just give up the pretense and start making a line of Kardashian porn (although, I suppose their show is already just that).
Or maybe they could just open their own school! The Kardashian Akademy of Ekonomics. I mean Donald Trump opened his own school, right? So can the K.'s! Because if they know anything, unlike Donald, it's how to make money.
CFR 3/24/22
You know, I'm not sure if this blog is in support of sluts or slut shaming. I would never want to shame anyone; but when it comes to being a slut, perhaps a little shaming is a good thing. You know, a gentle shaming that works as a prophylaxis. Also, being a slut can put you into actual danger, so maybe being discouraged from the lifestyle isn't necessarily an awful thing. So be careful out there. Be safe and play safe!
* Not to single out Kim. I actually like Kim. She has charm and a winning personality. I get why people are obsessed with her. She's living that life that so many of us want. Except I don't like that lifestyle: the part where they shove it down everyone else's throat. I mean, if you're fabulously wealthy great. You've gotta spend your money somehow. But maybe instead of going to the Met Gala and sitting around getting glam sessions while you drone on endlessly about absolutely nothing...and having it televised.
Maybe you could use your show (and there's another show coming, from Uncle Walt, no less) to do something a little more kulturally enriching. How about, "The Kardashians Go to Outward Bound." Or, "Khloe and Kourtney Join the Peace Korps." Or maybe we could follow the family as they all learn a trade at a local school. Perhaps the West Valley Occupational Center. Kim could learn plumbing. Khloe could learn how to be a pharmacy technician. Kourtney could learn how to be a manicurist. They all could learn how to be manicurists, right? They're certainly into their nails (and girls, I'm sorry, but those eagle talons don't look good on anyone. They just don't. They make you look like a coven of witches). Kris could go into video production and just give up the pretense and start making a line of Kardashian porn (although, I suppose their show is already just that).
Or maybe they could just open their own school! The Kardashian Akademy of Ekonomics. I mean Donald Trump opened his own school, right? So can the K.'s! Because if they know anything, unlike Donald, it's how to make money.
CFR 3/24/22
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