Note: I do not work for a comedy sketch show; but I have ideas for comedy sketches all the time. But I almost never write them down. Sadly, a lot of (imho) great comedy sketches are now mere disintegrated neurons that have been flushed away (literally down the toilet). I want to change that, thusly, this blog post. The first of many, I hope. I would film these comedy sketches myself and post them on my Youtube page, however, as they can get elaborate, I do not have the time, money or wherewithal to commit them to visual media. So they will remain scripts. Feel free to borrow them. Let's face it, we know you vultures will, no matter what I say or do; so go to town!
Ah, Sketch Comedy! Those short theatrical delights that light up our Saturday nights.
I grew up in the 70's; and speaking of Saturday nights...I had The Carol Burnett Show and Saturday Night Live to look forward to. Both of them from 1975 to 1977! Totally different styles; but hey, funny is funny. A laugh is a laugh. Looking back at reruns as an adult, The Carol Burnett Show is a little too shrill and SNL tends to date really fast. But they're both beloved; by moi anyways. Speaking of dated: Laugh-In. Even the title, which is a pun on "Love-In." When was the last time you went to a "Love-In"? (Look it up whipper-snappers). Laugh-In wasn't even really a sketch show. It was more of a "bit" show. Like, one-liners. Sometimes, one worders. It's so dated now that's it's pretty much unwatchable. This kind of sums it up:
I grew up in the 70's; and speaking of Saturday nights...I had The Carol Burnett Show and Saturday Night Live to look forward to. Both of them from 1975 to 1977! Totally different styles; but hey, funny is funny. A laugh is a laugh. Looking back at reruns as an adult, The Carol Burnett Show is a little too shrill and SNL tends to date really fast. But they're both beloved; by moi anyways. Speaking of dated: Laugh-In. Even the title, which is a pun on "Love-In." When was the last time you went to a "Love-In"? (Look it up whipper-snappers). Laugh-In wasn't even really a sketch show. It was more of a "bit" show. Like, one-liners. Sometimes, one worders. It's so dated now that's it's pretty much unwatchable. This kind of sums it up:
I mean, I loved it when I was at Lynnhurst Elementary; but you outgrow it. You absolutely outgrow it.
Topical comedy withers on the vine pretty fast. And Laugh-In probably suffers the worst. I defy you to sit down and watch an entire episode. I love a lot of the people who came out of the show; but it's so insufferably Hip. It's Hipper Than Thou. Unless you're high. Maybe you have to be high to enjoy Laugh-In. Now. And Then! And it ran for five years! Laugh-In is where Lorne Michaels got his start. Well, we've all got to start somewhere.
So, this inaugural sketch is going to be a spoof of the old Calgon Bubble Bath commercial. Considered a classic, it's slogan has become part of the American lexicon: "Calgon, Take Me Away!" but in case you missed it; here' one of the original spots:
Topical comedy withers on the vine pretty fast. And Laugh-In probably suffers the worst. I defy you to sit down and watch an entire episode. I love a lot of the people who came out of the show; but it's so insufferably Hip. It's Hipper Than Thou. Unless you're high. Maybe you have to be high to enjoy Laugh-In. Now. And Then! And it ran for five years! Laugh-In is where Lorne Michaels got his start. Well, we've all got to start somewhere.
So, this inaugural sketch is going to be a spoof of the old Calgon Bubble Bath commercial. Considered a classic, it's slogan has become part of the American lexicon: "Calgon, Take Me Away!" but in case you missed it; here' one of the original spots:
Well, Russia just invaded the Ukraine. Is a bubble bath commercial parody really what I should be doing right now?
Or is a bubble bath commercial parody exactly what I should be doing right now? I don't know. I can't fix the world; but maybe I can make someone laugh; and to me, that's important. So here goes:
Lady Bubbles Bath Beads Spot #1
A WOMAN, 30ish, dressed in a classic business suit with her hair in a French Twist is standing in her living room. We'll call her MS. AMERICAN. She sits on the sofa, places her briefcase on the coffee table and the phone starts RINGING loudly. It's a French style phone with the shrill ring of that country's telephonic devices.
MS. AMERICAN
The phone! (She gets up and answers it). Hello? No, I don't want an extended warranty. Don't call here again!
A GREAT DANE trots into the room and goes straight to the briefcase and carries it off, scattering papers everywhere. MS. AMERICAN slams the phone down.
MS. AMERICAN
The dog! (She chases after the dog as a LITTLE BOY wanders in and proceeds to pee in a potted palm. MS. AMERICAN goes to the child and then looks into the camera) The kids! (The DOORBELL rings). The doorbell!!! She goes to the door and looks through the peep-hole. ELLEN DEGENERES is on the other side.
MS. AMERICAN
(exasperated) Ellen!
The doorbell RINGS again.
CUT TO:
The front porch. VLADIMIR PUTIN keeps ringing the bell, then the knocker. Ellen is sitting on the porch swing.
CUT TO: Living room
Ms. American peeps out window through the curtains.
MS. AMERICAN
Putin!
A MONTAGE of people at the door: RINGING, KNOCKING, peeking in the windows. Ms. American calls out their names as she stumbles around the room, pulling at her hair and garments as the little boy CRIES and the dog BARKS and the phone RINGS:
MS. AMERICAN
(SERIES OF SHOTS OF THE FOLLOWING):
The Proud Boys! The Girl Scouts! The Jehovah's Witnesses! That kid selling candy for a school fundraiser! Count Dracula! Count Blacula! Ted Bundy! Joe Rogan! Godzilla! Rodan! Tucker (bleeping) Carlson!!!
Or is a bubble bath commercial parody exactly what I should be doing right now? I don't know. I can't fix the world; but maybe I can make someone laugh; and to me, that's important. So here goes:
Lady Bubbles Bath Beads Spot #1
A WOMAN, 30ish, dressed in a classic business suit with her hair in a French Twist is standing in her living room. We'll call her MS. AMERICAN. She sits on the sofa, places her briefcase on the coffee table and the phone starts RINGING loudly. It's a French style phone with the shrill ring of that country's telephonic devices.
MS. AMERICAN
The phone! (She gets up and answers it). Hello? No, I don't want an extended warranty. Don't call here again!
A GREAT DANE trots into the room and goes straight to the briefcase and carries it off, scattering papers everywhere. MS. AMERICAN slams the phone down.
MS. AMERICAN
The dog! (She chases after the dog as a LITTLE BOY wanders in and proceeds to pee in a potted palm. MS. AMERICAN goes to the child and then looks into the camera) The kids! (The DOORBELL rings). The doorbell!!! She goes to the door and looks through the peep-hole. ELLEN DEGENERES is on the other side.
MS. AMERICAN
(exasperated) Ellen!
The doorbell RINGS again.
CUT TO:
The front porch. VLADIMIR PUTIN keeps ringing the bell, then the knocker. Ellen is sitting on the porch swing.
CUT TO: Living room
Ms. American peeps out window through the curtains.
MS. AMERICAN
Putin!
A MONTAGE of people at the door: RINGING, KNOCKING, peeking in the windows. Ms. American calls out their names as she stumbles around the room, pulling at her hair and garments as the little boy CRIES and the dog BARKS and the phone RINGS:
MS. AMERICAN
(SERIES OF SHOTS OF THE FOLLOWING):
The Proud Boys! The Girl Scouts! The Jehovah's Witnesses! That kid selling candy for a school fundraiser! Count Dracula! Count Blacula! Ted Bundy! Joe Rogan! Godzilla! Rodan! Tucker (bleeping) Carlson!!!
Kim Kardashian! Martin Short...I just can't deal with Martin Short's energy right now...
Queen Beatrix Former Queen of the Netherlands!!! Logan Paul! King Kong!!!
(We see King Kong's eye at the window)
Queen Beatrix Former Queen of the Netherlands!!! Logan Paul! King Kong!!!
(We see King Kong's eye at the window)
MS. AMERICAN
(Her rant continues):
Soupy Sales! The cast of Grey's Anatomy! AARON RODGERS! (We see Aaron Rodgers, smiling on the other side of the peep-hole) Oh, wait...Aaron Rodgers...he's single again...(She fluffs her hair and throws open the door only to see Aaron and Kim Kardashian canoodling on the porch swing. She slams the door shut and falls to her living room floor and begins pounding on it) Why Aaron Rodgers, why? Why! Why! Why!!!
(Her rant continues):
Soupy Sales! The cast of Grey's Anatomy! AARON RODGERS! (We see Aaron Rodgers, smiling on the other side of the peep-hole) Oh, wait...Aaron Rodgers...he's single again...(She fluffs her hair and throws open the door only to see Aaron and Kim Kardashian canoodling on the porch swing. She slams the door shut and falls to her living room floor and begins pounding on it) Why Aaron Rodgers, why? Why! Why! Why!!!
The LITTLE BOY kneels down next to his mother, as does the dog. The phone stops RINGING.
LITTLE BOY
Mommy, are you okay?
MS. AMERICAN
(Muttering, as we continue to cut to the following at the door) The Creature from the Black Lagoon...The Manson Family...Chuck Lorre...(she finally Peters out).
Ellen DeGeneres enters holding a box of LADY BUBBLES BUBBLING BATH BEADS.
LITTLE BOY
Who are you?
ELLEN
Beat it kid-
MS. AMERICAN
(Raises her head) Ellen...how did you get in here?
ELLEN
The bathroom window was open.
MS. AMERICAN
What do you want from me?
ELLEN
Looks like you could use a pick me up!
MS. AMERICAN
I'm having an off day...
ELLEN
Well, here's the answer to your problem: Lady Bubbles Bubbling Bath Beads, New and Improved with more Chloral Hydrate! So, repeat after me: "Lady Bubbles, Take Me Away!"
MS. AMERICAN
(Mumbling) ...Lady Bubbles...take me...away...
CUT TO:
An elaborate Grecian bathroom, with a sunken tub and a window with a view of the Eiffel Tower. Ms. American is in the water, flowers in her hair, surrounded by drifts of bubbles. She lazily strokes her legs and arms as we hear Ellen explain the product):
LITTLE BOY
Mommy, are you okay?
MS. AMERICAN
(Muttering, as we continue to cut to the following at the door) The Creature from the Black Lagoon...The Manson Family...Chuck Lorre...(she finally Peters out).
Ellen DeGeneres enters holding a box of LADY BUBBLES BUBBLING BATH BEADS.
LITTLE BOY
Who are you?
ELLEN
Beat it kid-
MS. AMERICAN
(Raises her head) Ellen...how did you get in here?
ELLEN
The bathroom window was open.
MS. AMERICAN
What do you want from me?
ELLEN
Looks like you could use a pick me up!
MS. AMERICAN
I'm having an off day...
ELLEN
Well, here's the answer to your problem: Lady Bubbles Bubbling Bath Beads, New and Improved with more Chloral Hydrate! So, repeat after me: "Lady Bubbles, Take Me Away!"
MS. AMERICAN
(Mumbling) ...Lady Bubbles...take me...away...
CUT TO:
An elaborate Grecian bathroom, with a sunken tub and a window with a view of the Eiffel Tower. Ms. American is in the water, flowers in her hair, surrounded by drifts of bubbles. She lazily strokes her legs and arms as we hear Ellen explain the product):
ELLEN
(VOICE OVER) Lady Bubbles infuses your bath with our proprietary blend of soothing sedatives. As it softens the water, it softens your skin; facilitating the absorption of our patented blend of benzodiazepines and chlordiazepoxides, including Carfentanil, the very substance that's used to tranquilize elephants!
CUT TO:
The bathroom. Ms. American is singing "My Old Kentucky Home"* in a slurred voice. Ellen appears beside the tub with the dog on a leash. She smiles and turns to the camera.
ELLEN
And of course, you get a whole range of scents with Lady Bubbles, including new Tahitian Titillation, Matthew McConaughey Essence and Gyllenhaalleluja!
The Little Boy wanders in and tugs at Ellen's jacket
LITTLE BOY
I want my mommy!
ELLEN
Mommy's busy! Now go away kid, you bother me!
The dog jumps into the tub. Ms. American doesn't even seem to notice.
ELLEN
(To Ms. American) Is there a husband in the picture?
(VOICE OVER) Lady Bubbles infuses your bath with our proprietary blend of soothing sedatives. As it softens the water, it softens your skin; facilitating the absorption of our patented blend of benzodiazepines and chlordiazepoxides, including Carfentanil, the very substance that's used to tranquilize elephants!
CUT TO:
The bathroom. Ms. American is singing "My Old Kentucky Home"* in a slurred voice. Ellen appears beside the tub with the dog on a leash. She smiles and turns to the camera.
ELLEN
And of course, you get a whole range of scents with Lady Bubbles, including new Tahitian Titillation, Matthew McConaughey Essence and Gyllenhaalleluja!
The Little Boy wanders in and tugs at Ellen's jacket
LITTLE BOY
I want my mommy!
ELLEN
Mommy's busy! Now go away kid, you bother me!
The dog jumps into the tub. Ms. American doesn't even seem to notice.
ELLEN
(To Ms. American) Is there a husband in the picture?
CUT TO:
Close-up on product containers, surrounded by bubbles. A butterfly lands on one of the boxes as a MALE ANNOUNCER reads slogan: "Lady Bubbles. We'll take you so far away you won't want to come back!"
MALE ANNOUNCER (EXTREMELY RAPIDLY): Lady Bubbles may cause dependency on Lady Bubbles. It is advised not to bathe when using Lady Bubbles. You should not eat for an hour before bathing in Lady Bubbles. Ask your doctor if your epiglottis is healthy enough to bathe with Lady Bubbles. Do not operate heavy equipment when using Lady Bubbles. If there is no life-guard on duty, Lady Bubble at your own risk!
Kim and Aaron wander into the bathroom. Kim in a robe. Aaron, a towel around his waist.
KIM K.
Is this the after parrrrrrrrrrrtee?
*So, my husband inquired as to why I was researching "My Old Kentucky Home," and I explained that I wanted a sedated housewife to be singing something utterly absurd. He informed me the song could be construed as rascist. That was not my intent--I just wanted absurdity--so, might I regroup and suggest some inane pop song from the 70's? How about this one:
Close-up on product containers, surrounded by bubbles. A butterfly lands on one of the boxes as a MALE ANNOUNCER reads slogan: "Lady Bubbles. We'll take you so far away you won't want to come back!"
MALE ANNOUNCER (EXTREMELY RAPIDLY): Lady Bubbles may cause dependency on Lady Bubbles. It is advised not to bathe when using Lady Bubbles. You should not eat for an hour before bathing in Lady Bubbles. Ask your doctor if your epiglottis is healthy enough to bathe with Lady Bubbles. Do not operate heavy equipment when using Lady Bubbles. If there is no life-guard on duty, Lady Bubble at your own risk!
Kim and Aaron wander into the bathroom. Kim in a robe. Aaron, a towel around his waist.
KIM K.
Is this the after parrrrrrrrrrrtee?
*So, my husband inquired as to why I was researching "My Old Kentucky Home," and I explained that I wanted a sedated housewife to be singing something utterly absurd. He informed me the song could be construed as rascist. That was not my intent--I just wanted absurdity--so, might I regroup and suggest some inane pop song from the 70's? How about this one:
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