Fade In On:
INT. LAWRY'S PRIME RIB RESTAURANT -NIGHT
Three couples, JANE and BOB, MIKE and CHRISTOPHER and ANGELA and AMANDA are seated in a booth. A WAITER pushes a large, dome shaped, lidded, stainless-steel serving cart to the adjoining booth. He opens the lid and begins serving the people at the other table.
JANE: Oh, Bob honey, look! They serve the prime rib out of those push-carts!
BOB: They sure do!
CHRISTOPHER: It's like a wheel-barrow full of meat...
MIKE: Well, you picked this place...
CHRISTOPHER: How was I to know the only thing on the menu is prime rib.
MIKE: I might've thought the name of the restaurant being "The Prime Rib" would've given you a clue.
CHRISTOPHER: Who's ever heard of a restaurant that has only one entree on its menu!??!
AMANDA: Guys, no arguing. Tonight is Angela's birthday and she's going to have whatever her little heart desires!
ANGELA: All they have is prime rib...I'm a vegan...
JANE: They have a shrimp cocktail...
ANGELA: I'm a vegan. I don't eat shrimp.
JANE: You can have the salad Ange...this place is famous for it's "spinning" salad!
CHRISTOPHER: What the hell is a spinning salad?
BOB: I've heard it's really neat-o!
JANE: The wait-person comes to the table with a big bowl of salad greens on top of a bigger bowl of ice. And then they spin it! Spin it! Really fast too! I mean, that's what Brenda told me. Bob and I have never been here before.
AMANDA: Why do they spin it though?
MIKE: Yeah. Why do they spin it?
CHRISTOPHER: You say they literally spin it, like a top?
JANE: Yes! Just order it. You'll see!
CHRISTOPHER: Who's Brenda?
Before he can get a response, a waitress in an old timey outfit approaches the table. Somewhere in her 60's, with a heavy brogue that could be Scottish or Welsh or The Channel Islands? She's sometimes not easy to understand (what she's saying). Her nametag says "Mrs. Featherstone." Right behind her, towering over her, is a second waitress. Her nametag says "Nona." Nona seems very ill-at-ease and nervous.
(Nona should ideally be played by a very large actor in drag; but are we still doing that? Is that not funny anymore? Probably not...).
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: Hello folks, I'll be your server tonight. I'm Mrs. Featherstone and welcome to the Prime Rib...
MIKE: (Stage whisper): What did she say?
AMANDA: It sounded like "mersus very stoney"
CHRISTOPHER: She said "Mrs. Featherstone"! I detect a bit of an accent Mrs. Featherstone. Where are you from?
MIKE: Do you always have to chat up the help?
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: I'm from up in the North Sea. The Isle of Rockenrrarrgh, don't you know.
BOB: Where is that? I've never heard of that--
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: (Moving on): As I was saying: this wee lass is Nona and she's a new to the Rib. She'll be training with me tonight, don't you know? If, that is, it's copacetic with you folks?
MIKE: Well, actually--
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: Wonderful! Saint Seamus be praised. I see you've procured your libations. Will you be ordering then?
MIKE: Sure. We're ready. I'll have...the prime rib. (He side-eyes Christopher).
BOB: I guess we'll all be having the prime rib--
ANGELA: Except for me!
BOB: Except for her...
JANE: Order the salad Angela!
ANGELA: I guess I'll have the salad.
JANE: The spinning salad!
ANGELA: The spinning salad. Do you have a non-spinning salad?
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: (Laughs) Oh no dearie! All the salads spin at The Rib!
ANGELA: What if I get dizzy? I suffer from vertigo.
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: (Laughs even harder) Stuff and nonsense! We'll spin it out of you!
AMANDA: (Whispering) What does that mean?
CHRISTOPHER: I'll have the spinning salad too!
MIKE: Of course you will...
INT. LAWRY'S PRIME RIB RESTAURANT -NIGHT
Three couples, JANE and BOB, MIKE and CHRISTOPHER and ANGELA and AMANDA are seated in a booth. A WAITER pushes a large, dome shaped, lidded, stainless-steel serving cart to the adjoining booth. He opens the lid and begins serving the people at the other table.
JANE: Oh, Bob honey, look! They serve the prime rib out of those push-carts!
BOB: They sure do!
CHRISTOPHER: It's like a wheel-barrow full of meat...
MIKE: Well, you picked this place...
CHRISTOPHER: How was I to know the only thing on the menu is prime rib.
MIKE: I might've thought the name of the restaurant being "The Prime Rib" would've given you a clue.
CHRISTOPHER: Who's ever heard of a restaurant that has only one entree on its menu!??!
AMANDA: Guys, no arguing. Tonight is Angela's birthday and she's going to have whatever her little heart desires!
ANGELA: All they have is prime rib...I'm a vegan...
JANE: They have a shrimp cocktail...
ANGELA: I'm a vegan. I don't eat shrimp.
JANE: You can have the salad Ange...this place is famous for it's "spinning" salad!
CHRISTOPHER: What the hell is a spinning salad?
BOB: I've heard it's really neat-o!
JANE: The wait-person comes to the table with a big bowl of salad greens on top of a bigger bowl of ice. And then they spin it! Spin it! Really fast too! I mean, that's what Brenda told me. Bob and I have never been here before.
AMANDA: Why do they spin it though?
MIKE: Yeah. Why do they spin it?
CHRISTOPHER: You say they literally spin it, like a top?
JANE: Yes! Just order it. You'll see!
CHRISTOPHER: Who's Brenda?
Before he can get a response, a waitress in an old timey outfit approaches the table. Somewhere in her 60's, with a heavy brogue that could be Scottish or Welsh or The Channel Islands? She's sometimes not easy to understand (what she's saying). Her nametag says "Mrs. Featherstone." Right behind her, towering over her, is a second waitress. Her nametag says "Nona." Nona seems very ill-at-ease and nervous.
(Nona should ideally be played by a very large actor in drag; but are we still doing that? Is that not funny anymore? Probably not...).
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: Hello folks, I'll be your server tonight. I'm Mrs. Featherstone and welcome to the Prime Rib...
MIKE: (Stage whisper): What did she say?
AMANDA: It sounded like "mersus very stoney"
CHRISTOPHER: She said "Mrs. Featherstone"! I detect a bit of an accent Mrs. Featherstone. Where are you from?
MIKE: Do you always have to chat up the help?
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: I'm from up in the North Sea. The Isle of Rockenrrarrgh, don't you know.
BOB: Where is that? I've never heard of that--
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: (Moving on): As I was saying: this wee lass is Nona and she's a new to the Rib. She'll be training with me tonight, don't you know? If, that is, it's copacetic with you folks?
MIKE: Well, actually--
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: Wonderful! Saint Seamus be praised. I see you've procured your libations. Will you be ordering then?
MIKE: Sure. We're ready. I'll have...the prime rib. (He side-eyes Christopher).
BOB: I guess we'll all be having the prime rib--
ANGELA: Except for me!
BOB: Except for her...
JANE: Order the salad Angela!
ANGELA: I guess I'll have the salad.
JANE: The spinning salad!
ANGELA: The spinning salad. Do you have a non-spinning salad?
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: (Laughs) Oh no dearie! All the salads spin at The Rib!
ANGELA: What if I get dizzy? I suffer from vertigo.
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: (Laughs even harder) Stuff and nonsense! We'll spin it out of you!
AMANDA: (Whispering) What does that mean?
CHRISTOPHER: I'll have the spinning salad too!
MIKE: Of course you will...
MRS. FEATEHRSTONE: Oh, not to worry pets! Everyone gets the spinning salad; which includes a frozen fork!
JANE: A frozen fork?!!? But how!???
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: (Displaying forks on a bed of ice): The mysteries of science by crackie!
MIKE: Cool!
CHRISTOPHER: What? She laid the forks on a bed of ice cubes!
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: Only after plunging them in a bath of liquid nitrogen!!! (She picks up one of the forks and hits it on the table, where it proceeds to shatter)
JANE: A frozen fork?!!? But how!???
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: (Displaying forks on a bed of ice): The mysteries of science by crackie!
MIKE: Cool!
CHRISTOPHER: What? She laid the forks on a bed of ice cubes!
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: Only after plunging them in a bath of liquid nitrogen!!! (She picks up one of the forks and hits it on the table, where it proceeds to shatter)
CHRISTOPHER: Oh, okay. I stand corrected. My apologies...
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: And now, Miss Nona is going to take the reins and do her first spin for you all! That is, if it's all right with you folks?
MIKE: Actually--
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: Fine! I'll leave you with Nona while I retrieve the accoutrements!
(I imagine Nona with one of those goofy, high-pitched voices of the sort that Vicki Lawrence used to do on The Carol Burnett Show...)
Nona stands quietly, looking at the ceiling, her shoes etc.
CHRISTOPHER: So, Nona...how's training going?
NONA: Excuse me?
CHRISTOPHER: How...when...uhhh...where do you hail from?
NONA: Venice Beach...
ANGELA: I love Venice Beach!
JANE: How do you like working here?
NONA: I'm nervous...
BOB: Oh, you don't have to be nervous around us!
MIKE: We don't bite!
AMANDA: What do you do in Venice?
NONA: I work out a lot on the boardwalk. I'm a semi-professional lady body-builder...
JANE: Oh, isn't that nice?
NONA: It doesn't pay a lot, so, like, you know, that's why I got this job...
JANE: Well, I'm sure you're going to do just fine!
NONA: Well--
Mrs. Featherstone returns with a pushcart, upon which is the aforementioned double-spinning salad bowls, etc.
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: And now, Miss Nona is going to take the reins and do her first spin for you all! That is, if it's all right with you folks?
MIKE: Actually--
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: Fine! I'll leave you with Nona while I retrieve the accoutrements!
(I imagine Nona with one of those goofy, high-pitched voices of the sort that Vicki Lawrence used to do on The Carol Burnett Show...)
Nona stands quietly, looking at the ceiling, her shoes etc.
CHRISTOPHER: So, Nona...how's training going?
NONA: Excuse me?
CHRISTOPHER: How...when...uhhh...where do you hail from?
NONA: Venice Beach...
ANGELA: I love Venice Beach!
JANE: How do you like working here?
NONA: I'm nervous...
BOB: Oh, you don't have to be nervous around us!
MIKE: We don't bite!
AMANDA: What do you do in Venice?
NONA: I work out a lot on the boardwalk. I'm a semi-professional lady body-builder...
JANE: Oh, isn't that nice?
NONA: It doesn't pay a lot, so, like, you know, that's why I got this job...
JANE: Well, I'm sure you're going to do just fine!
NONA: Well--
Mrs. Featherstone returns with a pushcart, upon which is the aforementioned double-spinning salad bowls, etc.
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: Alrighty, dearies, let's all bear with Ms. Nona as her life is about to change. Her first official spin!
NONA: I don't know if I'm ready...
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: Now no, no, Ms. Nona, that's nonsense...you got a C plus in salad spinning class, you know you're ready!
CHRISTOPHER: Wait? A C plus? Maybe--
MRS. FEATHERSTONE (Moving on) Okay, so, we have our mother bowl, which contains the ice cubes. The salad bowl goes on top. Then our plate of frozen forks. The plates. The all important tossers: two of them there are! And of course, the little dressing boat. All right Nona...you're on your own...
Nona tentatively picks up the "tossers"; two sort of spatula like devices.
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: No dear, put those down. You spin first, then dress, then spin again!
Nona puts them down and then spins the salad bowl with her hands. ALL at the table start chanting "Nona! Nona! Nona!"
Nona picks up the dressing and pours it into the spinning bowl from the top of her reach. She then picks up the tossers and begins to spin the salad even more. A hush falls over the table. Everyone is mesmerized.
NONA: I'm doing it!
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: Isn't it glorious!
Nona starts to get into it with more intensity. Maybe a little too much. The bowl starts spinning faster and faster...
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: Slow down Nona!
NONA: I can't!
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: Stand down Nona!
NONA: I can't! I can't stop it!
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: NO NONA NO!
NONA: It's out of control!
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: NO NONA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
The salad bowl starts wobbling and rocking; perhaps even hovering in the air. The contents of the bowl begin to fly out, directly into the faces of our dinner goers. They soon find themselves covered in sopping lettuce leaves and soggy salad fixin's. There is much SCREAMING and PANIC. Mrs. Featherstone finally pushes Nona away and throws herself on the salad bowl cart. She and it go crashing to the floor.
MRS. FEATHERSTON: (Regaining some kind of composure): It's all right. It's fine. Things happen. Nona, go fetch the prime rib cart while I help these folks clean up--
MIKE: Do you really think we're going to stay after this?
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: The meal is on me. I take spinning personally.
ANGELA: (Removes a lettuce leaf from her face and nibbles on it): Hey guys, this really is good! Ya gotta try it!
Everyone grudgingly eats some face salad and find it delightful. Nona returns, pushing a meat cart that looks more like an atom bomb than the cart we saw earlier.
NONA: I don't know if I'm ready...
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: Now no, no, Ms. Nona, that's nonsense...you got a C plus in salad spinning class, you know you're ready!
CHRISTOPHER: Wait? A C plus? Maybe--
MRS. FEATHERSTONE (Moving on) Okay, so, we have our mother bowl, which contains the ice cubes. The salad bowl goes on top. Then our plate of frozen forks. The plates. The all important tossers: two of them there are! And of course, the little dressing boat. All right Nona...you're on your own...
Nona tentatively picks up the "tossers"; two sort of spatula like devices.
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: No dear, put those down. You spin first, then dress, then spin again!
Nona puts them down and then spins the salad bowl with her hands. ALL at the table start chanting "Nona! Nona! Nona!"
Nona picks up the dressing and pours it into the spinning bowl from the top of her reach. She then picks up the tossers and begins to spin the salad even more. A hush falls over the table. Everyone is mesmerized.
NONA: I'm doing it!
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: Isn't it glorious!
Nona starts to get into it with more intensity. Maybe a little too much. The bowl starts spinning faster and faster...
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: Slow down Nona!
NONA: I can't!
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: Stand down Nona!
NONA: I can't! I can't stop it!
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: NO NONA NO!
NONA: It's out of control!
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: NO NONA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
The salad bowl starts wobbling and rocking; perhaps even hovering in the air. The contents of the bowl begin to fly out, directly into the faces of our dinner goers. They soon find themselves covered in sopping lettuce leaves and soggy salad fixin's. There is much SCREAMING and PANIC. Mrs. Featherstone finally pushes Nona away and throws herself on the salad bowl cart. She and it go crashing to the floor.
MRS. FEATHERSTON: (Regaining some kind of composure): It's all right. It's fine. Things happen. Nona, go fetch the prime rib cart while I help these folks clean up--
MIKE: Do you really think we're going to stay after this?
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: The meal is on me. I take spinning personally.
ANGELA: (Removes a lettuce leaf from her face and nibbles on it): Hey guys, this really is good! Ya gotta try it!
Everyone grudgingly eats some face salad and find it delightful. Nona returns, pushing a meat cart that looks more like an atom bomb than the cart we saw earlier.
MRS. FEATHERSTONE: No Nona, No, don't open that! It's a propane tank!
But it's too late. Nona is already in the process of opening it...
MIKE: Next time, I pick the--
But it's too late. Nona is already in the process of opening it...
MIKE: Next time, I pick the--
This sketch could easily end after the point where Angela tries the salad: for time (or subtlety).
CFR 5/10/22
CFR 5/10/22
RSS Feed