Comedy Sketch #4: Whatever Happened to the Scotch Tape Store...?

As you know, I am not employed by Saturday Night Live or it's parent company NBC Universal.  That, however, cannot stop me from writing "free-lance" sketches for the show.  And as I'm quite used to not receiving monetary compensation for my artistic work by this point in life; wtf?  Right?  I mean, don't dream it, be it!  Am I right people!

So remember that sketch from back in the day on SNL.  The one about the failing mall and it's one store that was doing well: The Scotch Tape Store?  Well, I think it's high time to revisit...with special guest stars...

​THE SCOTCH BOUTIQUE 

FADE IN ON:
Shot of a typical American mall, still open but perhaps gone to seed a bit.  Or maybe on the verge of a comeback?

JANE CURTIN AND HER GRAND-DAUGHTER BELINDA are walking through the mall, sipping on Orange Julius.'

BELINDA: Thanks for the Orange Julius grand-mom!  I've never had one before.  It's delicious!
​JANE: Refreshing too!
BELINDA: I'm sorry you have to go back to Boca so soon...
JANE: Me too.  But Aunt Claudia has the dropsy again and somebody has to take care of her.  You know, I used to work
at this mall back in the 70's...
BELINDA: Really?  Where?
JANE: The pet shop.  It was right over there, where that nail salon is.
BELINDA: Wow!  You wanna get a pedi?
JANE: Actually, I want to check out a store on the second level...
BELINDA: Which one?
JANE: The Scotch Boutique.
BELINDA: Is that a gift shop or something?
JANE: Or something...

CUT TO:
EXT. OF THE SCOTCH BOUTIQUE.
A large group of people are milling around outside of the store, which is decorated in plaid and has a giant, neon tape dispenser sign.  A young woman, JENNY, wearing a smart plaid skirt and matching vest is speaking through a bull-horn.

JENNY: Two lines please!  Two lines please!  For those of you who want the "Build a Dispenser" experience, please queue up on the left.  For general tape purchases, please enter on the right!
BELINDA: This a mad-house!  What's going on?
JANE: They did it! They actually did it!
BELINDA: Did what grand-mom?
JANE: Built a Scotch tape empire!

DAN AYKROYD steps out from behind a potted palm, holding a package of Scotch cassette tapes.
DAN: But we're not just for the sticky kind anymore!
JANE: As I live and breathe!  Floyd Hunger of Hunger's Men's Shop's!
DAN: I know that face!  Peeble's Pet Shop!

​JANE: Close!  It was actually called "Puppy Land!"
FLOYD: Of course!  And your name is...now wait a minute...Marie?
JANE: Close again.  It's Mary.  Mary Milto.  And this is my grand-daughter Belinda.
Greetings are exchanged.
FLOYD: How would you ladies like a V.I.P. tour?​
MARY: Well, you look awfully busy.  We wouldn't want to take up--
BELINDA: Come on grand-mom; it'll be fun!
MARY: Oh, okay then!
​Floyd ushers them in through the side door.
CUT TO: INT. SCOTCH BOUTIQUE
Numerous employees man several stations: one features tape dispensers, another rolls of tape and another decorative items (all plaid) for the dispensers.  At a counter, the stock-boy Kevin, is reading a comic book.  On the counter is a box full of cassette tapes with the tape dangling out; and a jar full of No. 2 pencils.  Floyd goes to Kevin and puts the package of cassettes on the counter.
FLOYD: (Sweet but stern): Now Kevin, what did I say about reading when you're on the job?
KEVIN: Sorry Mr. Hunger...

MARY: (Peering into box) Are those mix tapes?  (She picks one up and reads the label): "Tina's Totally Gnarly New Wave Favs."  Wow, I don't think I've seen one of these since, maybe the early 90's?
FLOYD: They're making a comeback! 
BELINDA: What is it?-
MARY: It's a tape honey!
BELINDA: (Touching tape) But it's not sticky...
FLOYD: It's a music tape!  And we're the only place on the Eastern seaboard that can fix them.  Show them Kevin!
Kevin picks up a tape, takes a pencil, puts the pencil through one of the holes and winds the loose tape back into the cassette.  Mary applauds.
MARY: Wonderful!  And so strangely satisfying!
FLOYD: Would you like to try Belinda?
BELINDA: For some reason, yes!
Kevin hands her a cassette and a pencil and he and Floyd and Mary coach her through it.  Success!  At this point, Jenny rushes in all a fluster.
JENNY: Mr. Hunger! Mr. Hunger!  We just got a bid on a lot of the Scotch 111 Reel-to-reel tape.  It's a bidding war!  We need you in the auction room!
MARY: Do they even make that anymore?
FLOYD: No, which is why the 100 cases of the old 111 we have are a gold-mine!

He rushes to the back with Jenny.  Kevin opens his comic book and peers at Belinda from behind it.
BELINDA: Oh, I love Swamp Thing!
KEVIN: Really?
BELINDA: Yes!  Remember that time Aquaman battled Fake Swamp Thing!
KEVIN: In Super Friends!
MARY: Sounds like you two were destined to meet!  And what's a Swamp Thing?
Before she can get a reply; Floyd and Jenny return.
FLOYD: Sold, for twenty-five dollars! Ca-ching!
MARY: Congratulations!
FLOYD: Jenny, why don't you give these two lovely ladies the Build-A-Dispenser experience, on the house, of course!
​JENNY: Of course Mr. Hunger!
MARY: Oh, Mr. Hunger, we couldn't...
FLOYD: I insist...and call me Floyd.
Mary laughs nervously and blushes.
FLOYD: Is there a Mr. Milto?

​MARY: Not for a while now...God rest his soul...
BELINDA: Grandpa passed from Slinky disease.  He was born without a spine...
FLOYD: Oh, I'm so sorry about that.  Well, I'm sure the Build-A-Dispenser Experience will cheer you up.  And you'll have to excuse me, but I have a "Fun With Tape" class and the kids are waiting!
Floyd disappears into the back.
MARY: (To Kevin): Didn't the Hunter family own the store originally?
KEVIN: Yeah, but when Mr. Hunger made his parachute pants fortune, they sold it to him and he brought it to the next level.  The mall was about to go under, but Mr. Floyd managed to attract Sofa King and Vibrators "R" Us as anchor stores and the rest is history!
BELINDA AND MARY: Wow!
JENNY: (Starting the tour at the various stations): So, welcome to the "Build-A-Dispenser" Experience.  Here at station Alpha, you pick out the dispenser you want...(she waves a hand over a variety of tape dispensers).

MARY: Ooooh, I like this one!
JENNY: Good taste.  That's the "C-22" desktop two-roll!  And what would you like Belinda?
BELINDA: (Picks up a sleek two-tone number) I love this one!
KEVIN: The C-60...a girl after my own heart!
BELINDA: (Flirting, blushing): Kevin!  Stop!
JENNY: Yeah Kevin, stop.  I'm giving a tour.  And now, at station Beta, we pick out what tape we want.  So many choices but I can make some recommendations...
MARY: Well, you're the experts!
JENNY: And finally, at station Zeta, you can choose how you want your dispenser finished, in a dazzling array of cozies, appliques and festoonings!

MARY: The pink and purple polka-dots are darling!
BELINDA: Those plaid pom-poms will really make my dispenser pop!
KEVIN: (To Belinda): You know, I could install that on your desk for you...
BELINDA: Ah, gee, okay...but don't you just place it on the desk?
Before she can get an answer, Floyd returns with a group of kids.  Everyone has brown paper bags with eye-holes over their heads.
FLOYD: Okay kids, on the count of three, let's show Mary and Belinda what you learned.  One...two...three!
They all pull the bags off of their heads.  Everyone's faces are taped into grotesque, yet humorous contortions.​

Photos by Wes Naman

MARY: Oh my goodness!  
FLOYD: Mary, will you join me for dinner Saturday night?
MARY: Yes, but on one condition...
FLOYD: What's that?
MARY: You leave the tape on!
Everyone LAUGHS.  Floyd picks up Tina's Rad mix-tape and hands it to Kevin.
FLOYD: Kevin, you know what to do!
Kevin nods excitedly and puts the cassette into a nearby boom-box and hits play.  Big Country's "In a Big Country" plays and everyone dances.
​

FADE OUT:
END

CFR 7/31/22