!EXT. TALK SHOW SET-AMAZON JUNGLE -NIGHT
We see a somewhat "Gilligan's Island" type talk show set in what appears to be a deep jungle in the Amazon river basin.
Seated in the middle is America's favorite(?) talk show(?) host(?), Mr. Andy Cohen, that sardonic, silver-haired scamp (come on, you know you want to do him!). Flanking Andy, to his right and left, is a group of svelte women in sparkly heels and gowns cut to there and slit up to here. You know they dropped a bundle on these dresses; but somehow they're still tacky. Their spangles and such glitter in the torch light. The CAMERA ZOOMS IN on Andy, who smiles as he waves his little blue note cards to fend off the really big bugs flying around.
ANDY
Hello and welcome to Watch What Happens Live-the 90 day Roundup of the Naked and Afraid Real Housewives of Wherever! I'm your host and moderator, Andy Cohen; and even I don't know what it is I do and why I do it and why people watch me do it--whatever "it" is! I mean, am I a talk show host? A TV personality? A male "madam?" Who knows! So, let's meet our fabulous guests, six of the "real housewives" from some of our various and sundry franchises. First, we have Maria Abbondanza from The Real Housewives of Whackoff, New Jersey!
The CAMERA cuts to one of the women. She has raven black hair and breasts so large her gown should be paid overtime to deal with them.
MARIA
(LAUGHING) It's "Wyckoff," sweetie; but you knew that!
ANDY
(Coquettishly) Maybe...and from "RHO," Tucumcari we have Shoshanna Silvers, Hi Shoshanna!
SHOSHANNA
Yippy-kay-ay darlin'!
ANDY
Since we don't have all day, I'll just power through these ladies: from Oklahoma City, Cheyenne Shanks (the ladies wave at the camera as it PANS past them) From Billings, Montana; Albertina Hightower; from Omaha, Nebraska: Sheila Mountbatten; and finally from good old Beantown Massachusetts, Pat O'Flanagan-Flanagan. Welcome ladies!
LADIES
Hi Andy!
ANDY
Okay, I'm gonna start with you Pat; but first, could you explain your last name to me?
PAT
(Wicked strong Boston accent) Sure! Well, my maiden name is "O'Flanagan" and I married a fellah named "Flanagan." Since I didn't want to buy into archaic nuptial stereotypes, I decided to go with a hyphenate. I daresay it's empowering, Andy.
ANDY
I dare you!
PAT
I beg your pardon?
ANDY
Didn't you go to Bryn Mawr?
PAT
No. I didn't matriculate at Bryn Marrrrrah; I majored in Ahht at Vasssahh.
ANDY
I'm just gonna throw this one out there for anyone. So...how did it feel to be naked for ninety days straight in the Amazolian jungle?
CHEYENNE
Well, I'll be honest Andy. I thought it was a lot of three-toed sloth shit! Oh, can I say that on TV?
ANDY
It's basic cable, so, sure. What do you mean by that Cheyenne?
CHEYENNE
It sucked. It was hot, sweaty, rashy, muddy, prickly, buggy and muggy. And it smelled like rotten cabbage most to the time.
ANDY
I see. Shoshanna, how did it feel to have no clothes on for ninety days? Was it freeing?
SHOSHANNA
Well, since I didn't have to buy any clothes, it was definitely "free."
ANDY
Well, a little birdy told me that you brought some clothes, even though you weren't supposed to.
SHOSHANNA
What? That's not true!
ANDY
Let's look at the video...
We cut to VIDEO taken in the jungle. We see Shoshanna, naked but digitally BLURRED in her bathing suit areas. She is standing on a ramshackle wooden dock, sticking out into the Amazon river. She is attempting to flag down a small aircraft by waving her arms wildly. The plane flies over with a LOUD BLARE of engines and we see cargo dropping down, attached to parachutes. The camera SWINGS and ZOOMS on the items: expensive designer suitcases and trunks, which hit the water.
SHOSHANNA
Oh shit! Not my Gucci! Not my Louis!
She jumps into the water to retrieve the luggage. We see an a massive python swimming towards her.
SHOSHANNA
Oh hell no!
She starts struggling with the python.
SHOSHANNA
Not on my watch, serpent!
SMASH CUT TO:
The dock. Shoshanna, her luggage stacked and the snake now dead at her feet as she opens a suitcase and pulls out a fur coat.
CUT TO:
EXT. TALK SET -NIGHT
SHOSHANNA
Had that little bitch skinned!
She stands and drops her peignoir revealing a snakeskin catsuit. Everyone APPLAUDS, except Albertina.
ANDY
I notice you're not clapping Albertina. Did you have...issues...with Shoshanna?
We see a somewhat "Gilligan's Island" type talk show set in what appears to be a deep jungle in the Amazon river basin.
Seated in the middle is America's favorite(?) talk show(?) host(?), Mr. Andy Cohen, that sardonic, silver-haired scamp (come on, you know you want to do him!). Flanking Andy, to his right and left, is a group of svelte women in sparkly heels and gowns cut to there and slit up to here. You know they dropped a bundle on these dresses; but somehow they're still tacky. Their spangles and such glitter in the torch light. The CAMERA ZOOMS IN on Andy, who smiles as he waves his little blue note cards to fend off the really big bugs flying around.
ANDY
Hello and welcome to Watch What Happens Live-the 90 day Roundup of the Naked and Afraid Real Housewives of Wherever! I'm your host and moderator, Andy Cohen; and even I don't know what it is I do and why I do it and why people watch me do it--whatever "it" is! I mean, am I a talk show host? A TV personality? A male "madam?" Who knows! So, let's meet our fabulous guests, six of the "real housewives" from some of our various and sundry franchises. First, we have Maria Abbondanza from The Real Housewives of Whackoff, New Jersey!
The CAMERA cuts to one of the women. She has raven black hair and breasts so large her gown should be paid overtime to deal with them.
MARIA
(LAUGHING) It's "Wyckoff," sweetie; but you knew that!
ANDY
(Coquettishly) Maybe...and from "RHO," Tucumcari we have Shoshanna Silvers, Hi Shoshanna!
SHOSHANNA
Yippy-kay-ay darlin'!
ANDY
Since we don't have all day, I'll just power through these ladies: from Oklahoma City, Cheyenne Shanks (the ladies wave at the camera as it PANS past them) From Billings, Montana; Albertina Hightower; from Omaha, Nebraska: Sheila Mountbatten; and finally from good old Beantown Massachusetts, Pat O'Flanagan-Flanagan. Welcome ladies!
LADIES
Hi Andy!
ANDY
Okay, I'm gonna start with you Pat; but first, could you explain your last name to me?
PAT
(Wicked strong Boston accent) Sure! Well, my maiden name is "O'Flanagan" and I married a fellah named "Flanagan." Since I didn't want to buy into archaic nuptial stereotypes, I decided to go with a hyphenate. I daresay it's empowering, Andy.
ANDY
I dare you!
PAT
I beg your pardon?
ANDY
Didn't you go to Bryn Mawr?
PAT
No. I didn't matriculate at Bryn Marrrrrah; I majored in Ahht at Vasssahh.
ANDY
I'm just gonna throw this one out there for anyone. So...how did it feel to be naked for ninety days straight in the Amazolian jungle?
CHEYENNE
Well, I'll be honest Andy. I thought it was a lot of three-toed sloth shit! Oh, can I say that on TV?
ANDY
It's basic cable, so, sure. What do you mean by that Cheyenne?
CHEYENNE
It sucked. It was hot, sweaty, rashy, muddy, prickly, buggy and muggy. And it smelled like rotten cabbage most to the time.
ANDY
I see. Shoshanna, how did it feel to have no clothes on for ninety days? Was it freeing?
SHOSHANNA
Well, since I didn't have to buy any clothes, it was definitely "free."
ANDY
Well, a little birdy told me that you brought some clothes, even though you weren't supposed to.
SHOSHANNA
What? That's not true!
ANDY
Let's look at the video...
We cut to VIDEO taken in the jungle. We see Shoshanna, naked but digitally BLURRED in her bathing suit areas. She is standing on a ramshackle wooden dock, sticking out into the Amazon river. She is attempting to flag down a small aircraft by waving her arms wildly. The plane flies over with a LOUD BLARE of engines and we see cargo dropping down, attached to parachutes. The camera SWINGS and ZOOMS on the items: expensive designer suitcases and trunks, which hit the water.
SHOSHANNA
Oh shit! Not my Gucci! Not my Louis!
She jumps into the water to retrieve the luggage. We see an a massive python swimming towards her.
SHOSHANNA
Oh hell no!
She starts struggling with the python.
SHOSHANNA
Not on my watch, serpent!
SMASH CUT TO:
The dock. Shoshanna, her luggage stacked and the snake now dead at her feet as she opens a suitcase and pulls out a fur coat.
CUT TO:
EXT. TALK SET -NIGHT
SHOSHANNA
Had that little bitch skinned!
She stands and drops her peignoir revealing a snakeskin catsuit. Everyone APPLAUDS, except Albertina.
ANDY
I notice you're not clapping Albertina. Did you have...issues...with Shoshanna?
ALBERTINA
We all had issues with her.
SHOSHANNA
For example?
CHEYENNE
Maybe we need to talk about the typhoon...
PAT
It was a "monsoon," Cheyenne.
CHEYENNE
It was a (BLEEPing) sharknado; but with cougars!
ANDY
Oh, you mean the other ladies?
CHEYENNE
No, I mean actual cougars! And panthers. And leopards!
SHOSHANA
(Retrieving leopard coat from behind chair)
I had those bitches skinned!
She puts on the coat and the other ladies APPLAUD.
SHEILA
That witch wouldn't let us use her luggage for shelter!
ANDY
Really? Well, that doesn't sound very neighborly. Let's check the video...
CUT TO:
VIDEO footage of several of the ladies, attempting to build a hut out of designer luggage in a hurricane. Shoshanna comes out of the woods with a bag of coconuts and drops them.
SHOSHANNA
Oh hell no! You bitches make due with those palm fronds! Not my my Gucci! Hot my Hermeez!
She storms the encampment and starts disassembling the shelter.
MARIA
(As her coiff is violently buffeted) My hair! My hair!
There is pandemonium as the women scurry around, trying to catch clothes which are flying through the air.
CUT TO:
Talk show set.
SHOSHANNA
Well, it all got sucked up into that whirlwind anyways, so what difference does it make? (To Andy) By the way, your show owes me a hundred grand.
ANDY
You signed a waiver. So, Sheila; tell me about the clams.
MARIA
Are you talking about when Cheyenne and Shoshanna shacked up and shucked--
ANDY
Let me just stop you right there Maria. (Directly to CAMERA) Disclaimer: since our writer is not a woman and does not identify as such in any form of the pronoun and is not female same sex attracted, he cannot write about said subject matter or use the words, "BLEEP," "BEEP," "BLOOP," "BUZZ," "DEFLATING TRUMPET," or "chocolate lady starfish," et. al. Now, that being said, tell me what happened with Cheyenne and Shoshanna and Caroline and the coconut shoes and the homemade Botox! Pat, why don't you take this one?
PAT
Okay. I'm gonna need a ciggie for this. (Lights cigarette) So, where to staaaht?
We all had issues with her.
SHOSHANNA
For example?
CHEYENNE
Maybe we need to talk about the typhoon...
PAT
It was a "monsoon," Cheyenne.
CHEYENNE
It was a (BLEEPing) sharknado; but with cougars!
ANDY
Oh, you mean the other ladies?
CHEYENNE
No, I mean actual cougars! And panthers. And leopards!
SHOSHANA
(Retrieving leopard coat from behind chair)
I had those bitches skinned!
She puts on the coat and the other ladies APPLAUD.
SHEILA
That witch wouldn't let us use her luggage for shelter!
ANDY
Really? Well, that doesn't sound very neighborly. Let's check the video...
CUT TO:
VIDEO footage of several of the ladies, attempting to build a hut out of designer luggage in a hurricane. Shoshanna comes out of the woods with a bag of coconuts and drops them.
SHOSHANNA
Oh hell no! You bitches make due with those palm fronds! Not my my Gucci! Hot my Hermeez!
She storms the encampment and starts disassembling the shelter.
MARIA
(As her coiff is violently buffeted) My hair! My hair!
There is pandemonium as the women scurry around, trying to catch clothes which are flying through the air.
CUT TO:
Talk show set.
SHOSHANNA
Well, it all got sucked up into that whirlwind anyways, so what difference does it make? (To Andy) By the way, your show owes me a hundred grand.
ANDY
You signed a waiver. So, Sheila; tell me about the clams.
MARIA
Are you talking about when Cheyenne and Shoshanna shacked up and shucked--
ANDY
Let me just stop you right there Maria. (Directly to CAMERA) Disclaimer: since our writer is not a woman and does not identify as such in any form of the pronoun and is not female same sex attracted, he cannot write about said subject matter or use the words, "BLEEP," "BEEP," "BLOOP," "BUZZ," "DEFLATING TRUMPET," or "chocolate lady starfish," et. al. Now, that being said, tell me what happened with Cheyenne and Shoshanna and Caroline and the coconut shoes and the homemade Botox! Pat, why don't you take this one?
PAT
Okay. I'm gonna need a ciggie for this. (Lights cigarette) So, where to staaaht?
PAT
Well, one day we were walking past some vines, and I recognized them as curare.
ANDY
How did you happen to know that?
PAT
Well, I minored in botany at Vassah. So I happened to mention that curare was what the locals made the poison for their blow-guns from and that it caused paralysis and Caroline was desperate for a brow treatment, and got the idea that we could make some Botox out of it. So she went to the witch-doctor--
ANDY
I'm just gonna stop you right there Pat. (Turns to CAMERA) Disclaimer: Our writer is not an indigenous person of the Amazolian jungle and/or any of its tributaries. Therefore, he can not write about the locals, their customs or use antiquated references to their behaviors or beliefs. (Turns back to Pat) Okay, so you took Caroline to the local doctor and they zhoozed her eleven, and so forth?
MARIA
They shrunk her freakin' head! That's why she's not here!
ANDY
Let's check the video!
CUT TO:
Albertina and Maria and Pat are sitting on a log outside a grass hut.
ALBERTINA
(To Maria) Who did your girls Maria? They are spectacular and they are really holding up well in this humidity!
MARIA
Thanks hon. He's in Poughkeepsie. Dr. Howard Fine. (Looking down) You know, being in Brazil, you'd think it would be fairly easy to get a Brazilian...
ALBERTINA
Brazilian? That looks more like outer Mongolia!
MARIA
Oh my God--
The CAMERA PANS to the hut, where Caroline is being escorted out. Her head is the size of a baseball.
CAROLINE
They didn't have a mirror. How do I look?
MARIA
Oh honey...I think we need a second opinion...
Well, one day we were walking past some vines, and I recognized them as curare.
ANDY
How did you happen to know that?
PAT
Well, I minored in botany at Vassah. So I happened to mention that curare was what the locals made the poison for their blow-guns from and that it caused paralysis and Caroline was desperate for a brow treatment, and got the idea that we could make some Botox out of it. So she went to the witch-doctor--
ANDY
I'm just gonna stop you right there Pat. (Turns to CAMERA) Disclaimer: Our writer is not an indigenous person of the Amazolian jungle and/or any of its tributaries. Therefore, he can not write about the locals, their customs or use antiquated references to their behaviors or beliefs. (Turns back to Pat) Okay, so you took Caroline to the local doctor and they zhoozed her eleven, and so forth?
MARIA
They shrunk her freakin' head! That's why she's not here!
ANDY
Let's check the video!
CUT TO:
Albertina and Maria and Pat are sitting on a log outside a grass hut.
ALBERTINA
(To Maria) Who did your girls Maria? They are spectacular and they are really holding up well in this humidity!
MARIA
Thanks hon. He's in Poughkeepsie. Dr. Howard Fine. (Looking down) You know, being in Brazil, you'd think it would be fairly easy to get a Brazilian...
ALBERTINA
Brazilian? That looks more like outer Mongolia!
MARIA
Oh my God--
The CAMERA PANS to the hut, where Caroline is being escorted out. Her head is the size of a baseball.
CAROLINE
They didn't have a mirror. How do I look?
MARIA
Oh honey...I think we need a second opinion...
CUT TO:
Talk show set.
ANDY
Well guess what? We have a satellite link to the Poughkeepsie Clinic for Advanced Head Trauma. Caroline, are you there?
We cut to fuzzy VIDEO from a hospital room. Caroline is in a bed, her head, now the size of a medicine ball, wrapped in bandages.
CAROLINE
Hi Andy. Hi girls! Yes, I'm here.
ANDY
How's it going? How are you?
CAROLINE
Well, I have a bit of a headache; but other than that, they assure me the swelling will go down--sooner or later.
ANDY
We're sorry you couldn't be here. Does your face hurt?
CAROLINE
Not really.
ANDY
Well, it's killing me! Just kidding. So, what happened?
CAROLINE
Well, they had to flatten my head with a hydraulic press and then fill it with compressed Xenon gas, which we're now waiting to dissipate; and as it does, my head should deflate to it's normal size.
ANDY
Fantastic! Well, good luck with that! Ciao!
CAROLINE
Bye everyone! Oh, thanks for the stinking corpse lily!
EVERYONE
Bye! Ciao! Arrivederci! MWAH, etc.
Suddenly, there is a commotion in the water. A silver haired man, naked, pulls himself up onto the dock.
ANDY
Anderson?
ANDERSON COOPER begins removing piranha fish from his naked person. He throws the fish back into the water and then stands, his "bathing suit area" blurred.
ANDERSON
Hi! Sorry I'm late.
ANDY
Well this is a surprise! Where are your clothes?
ANDERSON
I thought it was "clothing optional"; I mean, this is Naked and Afraid, isn't it?
ANDY
Well, yeah; but this is the reunion show--
ANDERSON
Well then, I'm afraid I'm naked!
MARIA
Who's complaining, Moby Dick?
Talk show set.
ANDY
Well guess what? We have a satellite link to the Poughkeepsie Clinic for Advanced Head Trauma. Caroline, are you there?
We cut to fuzzy VIDEO from a hospital room. Caroline is in a bed, her head, now the size of a medicine ball, wrapped in bandages.
CAROLINE
Hi Andy. Hi girls! Yes, I'm here.
ANDY
How's it going? How are you?
CAROLINE
Well, I have a bit of a headache; but other than that, they assure me the swelling will go down--sooner or later.
ANDY
We're sorry you couldn't be here. Does your face hurt?
CAROLINE
Not really.
ANDY
Well, it's killing me! Just kidding. So, what happened?
CAROLINE
Well, they had to flatten my head with a hydraulic press and then fill it with compressed Xenon gas, which we're now waiting to dissipate; and as it does, my head should deflate to it's normal size.
ANDY
Fantastic! Well, good luck with that! Ciao!
CAROLINE
Bye everyone! Oh, thanks for the stinking corpse lily!
EVERYONE
Bye! Ciao! Arrivederci! MWAH, etc.
Suddenly, there is a commotion in the water. A silver haired man, naked, pulls himself up onto the dock.
ANDY
Anderson?
ANDERSON COOPER begins removing piranha fish from his naked person. He throws the fish back into the water and then stands, his "bathing suit area" blurred.
ANDERSON
Hi! Sorry I'm late.
ANDY
Well this is a surprise! Where are your clothes?
ANDERSON
I thought it was "clothing optional"; I mean, this is Naked and Afraid, isn't it?
ANDY
Well, yeah; but this is the reunion show--
ANDERSON
Well then, I'm afraid I'm naked!
MARIA
Who's complaining, Moby Dick?
PAT
He does ratha have the complexion of Melville's luminescent sperm whale.
CHEYENNE
Honey, you better stop talkin' like that. You're makin' me horny!
ANDY
(To Cheyenne) But I thought you were into (BLEEP) diving now...
CHEYENNE
Oh baby, it's been ninety days since I've had some...some...
PAT
Physeter macrocephalus.
CHEYENNE
Big ole' (BLEEP) and (BOOP)!
She starts chasing Anderson around the set.
ANDY
Sheila, you've been awfully quiet. What do you think?
SHEILA
I think I can't feel my face...
ANDY
Have you been drinking that cocktail that's fermented with human saliva again?
ANDERSON
Chicha! Where can I get some?
ANDY
There's a punch-bowl in the green room. And you're gonna need it Cooper, after these thirsty queens get through with you!
The other ladies are now chasing after Anderson too, as they tear their clothes off.
MARIA
Is anybody hungry? (She pulls out a crock pot). I made some piranha parmesana!
ANDY
I'll pass. And we'll be right back after this message from Xiaflex. (Andy holds up a large, curved pacay fruit). Is your (BLEEP) out of joint? You might have Pepperoni's syndrome. Ask you doctor is Xiaflex is right for you!
The ladies continue to chase Anderson, who finally dives back into the water. The ladies follow.
ANDY
He's not into (BLEEP)! If you don't have a (BLOOP) he's not interested!
An extremely large bug lands on Andy's forehead. He slaps himself in the face with his blue cards.
ANDY
(To someone off-stage) Would it kill you find a freakin' can of Raid somewhere?
The camera PANS to the water. There is pandemonium as the water roils with what we can assume is a school of piranha fish.
ANDY
Oh, that's not good...
MARIA
(Referring to food she's eating) Eh, I've had better...
FADE OUT
END
He does ratha have the complexion of Melville's luminescent sperm whale.
CHEYENNE
Honey, you better stop talkin' like that. You're makin' me horny!
ANDY
(To Cheyenne) But I thought you were into (BLEEP) diving now...
CHEYENNE
Oh baby, it's been ninety days since I've had some...some...
PAT
Physeter macrocephalus.
CHEYENNE
Big ole' (BLEEP) and (BOOP)!
She starts chasing Anderson around the set.
ANDY
Sheila, you've been awfully quiet. What do you think?
SHEILA
I think I can't feel my face...
ANDY
Have you been drinking that cocktail that's fermented with human saliva again?
ANDERSON
Chicha! Where can I get some?
ANDY
There's a punch-bowl in the green room. And you're gonna need it Cooper, after these thirsty queens get through with you!
The other ladies are now chasing after Anderson too, as they tear their clothes off.
MARIA
Is anybody hungry? (She pulls out a crock pot). I made some piranha parmesana!
ANDY
I'll pass. And we'll be right back after this message from Xiaflex. (Andy holds up a large, curved pacay fruit). Is your (BLEEP) out of joint? You might have Pepperoni's syndrome. Ask you doctor is Xiaflex is right for you!
The ladies continue to chase Anderson, who finally dives back into the water. The ladies follow.
ANDY
He's not into (BLEEP)! If you don't have a (BLOOP) he's not interested!
An extremely large bug lands on Andy's forehead. He slaps himself in the face with his blue cards.
ANDY
(To someone off-stage) Would it kill you find a freakin' can of Raid somewhere?
The camera PANS to the water. There is pandemonium as the water roils with what we can assume is a school of piranha fish.
ANDY
Oh, that's not good...
MARIA
(Referring to food she's eating) Eh, I've had better...
FADE OUT
END
CFR 11/30/23