TINA
What the hell is this?
TEENA
Oh, that was an audition I did for Southwest General. It's a soap they used to do on Poughkeepsie public access, channel 19.
AMY
What was the part?
TEENA
Well, she was one of three quadruplets--
KATE
I think you mean four...
TEENA
One of them died. There were like two "good ones" and two "evil ones." I was the surviving "good one." She died in a hay baling accident. I played Tanya. My sisters were Tonya, Tessa and Tricia. I would've played all four.
AUBREY
Would have?
TEENA
Yeah, I didn't get it.
KATE
You kinda made it sound like you did.
TEENA
Well I didn't! (starts CRYING).
TINA
Oh grow a pair! Say, Amy?
AMY
Yeah?
TINA
I don't remember doing that Old Navy commecial with you. When did we do that?
AMY
Oh, that wasn't you.
TINA
Who was it?
AMY
An actress.
TINA
What was her name?
AMY
Ah, I don't recall...
TEENA
Isn't her name Tina Fey too? But doesn't she spell it T-E-A-N-A-H, P-H-E-I-G-H?
AUBREY
Oh, yeah. I know her. She came out of Bechdel Test NYU. She's freakin' hilare!
KATE
Speakin of "hilare..." I really want to know why--
TINA
I want to know why I wasn't in that Old Navy commercial, Amy.
What the hell is this?
TEENA
Oh, that was an audition I did for Southwest General. It's a soap they used to do on Poughkeepsie public access, channel 19.
AMY
What was the part?
TEENA
Well, she was one of three quadruplets--
KATE
I think you mean four...
TEENA
One of them died. There were like two "good ones" and two "evil ones." I was the surviving "good one." She died in a hay baling accident. I played Tanya. My sisters were Tonya, Tessa and Tricia. I would've played all four.
AUBREY
Would have?
TEENA
Yeah, I didn't get it.
KATE
You kinda made it sound like you did.
TEENA
Well I didn't! (starts CRYING).
TINA
Oh grow a pair! Say, Amy?
AMY
Yeah?
TINA
I don't remember doing that Old Navy commecial with you. When did we do that?
AMY
Oh, that wasn't you.
TINA
Who was it?
AMY
An actress.
TINA
What was her name?
AMY
Ah, I don't recall...
TEENA
Isn't her name Tina Fey too? But doesn't she spell it T-E-A-N-A-H, P-H-E-I-G-H?
AUBREY
Oh, yeah. I know her. She came out of Bechdel Test NYU. She's freakin' hilare!
KATE
Speakin of "hilare..." I really want to know why--
TINA
I want to know why I wasn't in that Old Navy commercial, Amy.
AMY
You couldn't do it, as I recall.
TINA
I couldn't?
AMY
Or wouldn't.
TINA
Because I wasn't asked.
AMY
I remember: Stets advised you not to because he didn't want you to be "overexposed."
TINA
Oh, okay, like too many commercials?
AMY
No, I think he meant too many low cut blouses.
TINA
What!??! How dare you!!!
KATE
She's not wrong, Tina.
TINA
Excuse me?
TEENA
We do kinda, Tina--
TINA
You stay out of this!
AUBREY
Ya sorta do work that rack, Tina.
You couldn't do it, as I recall.
TINA
I couldn't?
AMY
Or wouldn't.
TINA
Because I wasn't asked.
AMY
I remember: Stets advised you not to because he didn't want you to be "overexposed."
TINA
Oh, okay, like too many commercials?
AMY
No, I think he meant too many low cut blouses.
TINA
What!??! How dare you!!!
KATE
She's not wrong, Tina.
TINA
Excuse me?
TEENA
We do kinda, Tina--
TINA
You stay out of this!
AUBREY
Ya sorta do work that rack, Tina.
KATE
I have to agree with--
Tina administers a Three Stooges quadruple slap to the other four. A Three Stooges special ensues: The Five Stoogettes.
I have to agree with--
Tina administers a Three Stooges quadruple slap to the other four. A Three Stooges special ensues: The Five Stoogettes.
TINA
Why I oughta...
AMY
Enough of this! Can't you see Chris is trying to divide and conquer? Sisters, we need to present a united front!
The ladies stand together, link arms and thrust out their chests.
Why I oughta...
AMY
Enough of this! Can't you see Chris is trying to divide and conquer? Sisters, we need to present a united front!
The ladies stand together, link arms and thrust out their chests.
CHRIS
There's another million-dollar idea! An all female verision of The Three Stooges. Laurie, May and Curly-Sue! Surely they're in the Public Domain by now!
KATE
Wouldn't work Chris. Women roundly detest The Three Stooges.
CHRIS
All women? Everywhere?
KATE
Pretty much...(The others nod their heads in total agreement).
CHRIS
I'm one of them, there, "gay sophisticates"; and even I love them.
AUBREY
You need to have bangers and a side of mash to like them.
CHRIS
Why? Because men are funnier than women? Which is why I'm funnier than Tina.
TINA
Oh! Oh! This is WAH-WUH, Sir!
(She slaps Chris across the face with a leather glove).
CHRIS
Well, it's true. It's scientifically proven.
Chris produces a binder that says: FACT VS. FUNNY, which Tina grabs, opens and begins to disdainfully flip the pages of.
CHRIS
A study was completed in 2019 by The University of North Carolina and The University of Aberystwyth, proving Men are FUNNIER than Women. And no one knows funny like North Carolinians and the Welsh!
TINA, TEENA, AMY, KATE AND AUBREY
(All) BULL!!!
CHRIS
Sorry girls; it's SCIENCE. Natural selection. Charles Darwin would agree. And nobody could toss a withering quip like old Chuck. He was specktack at it!
TINA
Chris, stop trying to make "specktack" happen. "Specktack" is not going to happen!
CHRIS
Speaking of Mean Girls, Tina; you'd appreciate this article:
There's another million-dollar idea! An all female verision of The Three Stooges. Laurie, May and Curly-Sue! Surely they're in the Public Domain by now!
KATE
Wouldn't work Chris. Women roundly detest The Three Stooges.
CHRIS
All women? Everywhere?
KATE
Pretty much...(The others nod their heads in total agreement).
CHRIS
I'm one of them, there, "gay sophisticates"; and even I love them.
AUBREY
You need to have bangers and a side of mash to like them.
CHRIS
Why? Because men are funnier than women? Which is why I'm funnier than Tina.
TINA
Oh! Oh! This is WAH-WUH, Sir!
(She slaps Chris across the face with a leather glove).
CHRIS
Well, it's true. It's scientifically proven.
Chris produces a binder that says: FACT VS. FUNNY, which Tina grabs, opens and begins to disdainfully flip the pages of.
CHRIS
A study was completed in 2019 by The University of North Carolina and The University of Aberystwyth, proving Men are FUNNIER than Women. And no one knows funny like North Carolinians and the Welsh!
TINA, TEENA, AMY, KATE AND AUBREY
(All) BULL!!!
CHRIS
Sorry girls; it's SCIENCE. Natural selection. Charles Darwin would agree. And nobody could toss a withering quip like old Chuck. He was specktack at it!
TINA
Chris, stop trying to make "specktack" happen. "Specktack" is not going to happen!
CHRIS
Speaking of Mean Girls, Tina; you'd appreciate this article:
TINA
You want a burn book, Chris? Well, here's your burn book!
Tina drops the notebook on the floor. Amy produces lighter fluid and starts squirting. Aubrey produces a pack of matches and lights one. Tina holds up the cocktail napkin contract and winks at Chris. The match drops in slow-motion. "These Boots Are Made For Walkin'" begins to play as the book goes up in flames and the women walk away...
You want a burn book, Chris? Well, here's your burn book!
Tina drops the notebook on the floor. Amy produces lighter fluid and starts squirting. Aubrey produces a pack of matches and lights one. Tina holds up the cocktail napkin contract and winks at Chris. The match drops in slow-motion. "These Boots Are Made For Walkin'" begins to play as the book goes up in flames and the women walk away...
CHRIS
Wait! I was joking! I love female comics! I think Madeline Kahn was the funniest person ever! Of any gender!
But it's no use. The Funny Ladies are gone. Chris produces a fire extinguisher and puts the flames out. He sits, cross-legged on the floor and pokes at the ashes.
CHRIS
"Finders fee"? Try "losers fee..."
Teena Fay sneaks back and sits next to him.
TEENA
So, what did any of this have to do with all that galaxy business?
CHRIS
I don't know. I guess I was thinking of the Big Picture and whether any of this stuff like fame, commercial endorsements, Making It All the Way to the Super Bowl and being funnier than anyone else even matters.
TEENA
I guess it does. We seem preoccupied with it, so it must, right?
CHRIS
A friend of mine just died. He was a year younger than me. He was sort of my whole world when the whole world was new. I used to talk with him about this stuff. He was one of the few people on this Earth that I would want to share those preoccupations with. Now he's gone. Where did he go? Why did he go now? I had so many bridges to go back over with him. At least, that was the plan. My plan. Obviously, someone else had other plans. We used to sit at his kitchen table; kids; and dream. And smoke. He died of lung cancer. And we used to joke about it.
Wait! I was joking! I love female comics! I think Madeline Kahn was the funniest person ever! Of any gender!
But it's no use. The Funny Ladies are gone. Chris produces a fire extinguisher and puts the flames out. He sits, cross-legged on the floor and pokes at the ashes.
CHRIS
"Finders fee"? Try "losers fee..."
Teena Fay sneaks back and sits next to him.
TEENA
So, what did any of this have to do with all that galaxy business?
CHRIS
I don't know. I guess I was thinking of the Big Picture and whether any of this stuff like fame, commercial endorsements, Making It All the Way to the Super Bowl and being funnier than anyone else even matters.
TEENA
I guess it does. We seem preoccupied with it, so it must, right?
CHRIS
A friend of mine just died. He was a year younger than me. He was sort of my whole world when the whole world was new. I used to talk with him about this stuff. He was one of the few people on this Earth that I would want to share those preoccupations with. Now he's gone. Where did he go? Why did he go now? I had so many bridges to go back over with him. At least, that was the plan. My plan. Obviously, someone else had other plans. We used to sit at his kitchen table; kids; and dream. And smoke. He died of lung cancer. And we used to joke about it.
TEENA
Kids will be kids.
CHRIS
Yes. They will.
TEENA
Come on. Let's go sit at a table somewhere and dream some more.
CHRIS
Okay.
A little more...
Fin
CFR 2/19/2
Kids will be kids.
CHRIS
Yes. They will.
TEENA
Come on. Let's go sit at a table somewhere and dream some more.
CHRIS
Okay.
A little more...
Fin
CFR 2/19/2