An Open Letter to Nicole Kidman and AMC Theaters: Part 2

Ms. Kidman seen here at her local AMC Stubbs "A-List" screening, about to view Atomic Chupacabra Bloodlust 3: The Return of Martin Gorre.
Okay Ms. Kidman.  It's time for some hard questions.  I mean, not like, these are going to be difficult questions; as in difficult to answer, like the following:

BTW, Nick; if you can solve that, it's worth a million bucks.  Better get crackin' before Matt Damon beats you to the punch.  He's like a math genius. Who knew?

Oh, wait...wrong math genius.  Please hold.

Oh, not him either.  Oh, here we go.  Here's Matty!

Dang Matt, you better not go to Madrid and ride the bus!

Wow. I am really easily distracted.  Okay Nicole.  Let's all re(to the nth power(!)-watch your Infamously-Famous-Famously-Infamous AMC in-house promo for AMC theaters.  The one where you tout the chains ability to "make movies better."  Better yet, the one where you emphatically proclaim they do this:

Let's also watch this terrific analysis of your promo by Karsten Runquist!

Very interesting analysis; but I do feel the magical appearance of the drink is probably a continuity error; but then again...
So, here come the hard questions, Nicole.
Why do you not have popcorn?  Is not the moviegoing experience now inextricably linked with the eating of popcorn?  Is the image of the popcorn in it's striped paper container not cultural shorthand for "the movies"?  So, you really should have a bucket of popcorn; but you don't.  We can only ask why.  Why, Nicole, do you not have popcorn?  Is it because AMC does not want to remind moviegoers of the absolutely outrageous price they charge for popcorn?  I mean, do the math Nicole (because I know I can't--where's Matt Damon?); but the mark-up on popcorn can be a staggering 1,275%!  Even I can figure that that is super-duper expensive.  Also, how many calories does a bucket of popcorn with "butter" (a.k.a. "Golden Flavoring") have?  Or fat? Or Sodium?  You don't see the Nutrition Facts posted anywhere.  And why is that?  Isn't that like a law now? 

And why would anyone need to refill a container that size?  Well, maybe if you were sharing; but still--if you paid for the bucket, shouldn't the refills be free?  They are at every other theater I've been to.  I mean, it's no wonder Americans are so Super-Sized nowadays.  And where are the Surgeon General warnings on empty-calorie junk-food with zero nutrition, like movie theater popcorn?  Why do cigarettes get all the bad press and the exorbitant taxes?

I wonder what brand of cigarette Virginia Woolf smoked.  Did you research that for The Hours?  I bet it was Craven "A" brand.  It strikes me that the irony of naming a brand of cigarette "craven" would appeal to a writer.  I recently tried to read Mrs. Dalloway and had to "DNF" as they say on Goodreads.  It was kinda all over the place, if you ask me.

And that nose you sported in The Hours.  You know, I still am not over that.  How you managed to win an Oscar with that nose has to be some kind of modern miracle.  I mean, if she'd worn glasses, all you would've needed was this:

But I give you props, Ma'am!  I bow down.  I mean, you had to like, literally act around that nose.  And whose decision was that?  I mean Virginia's schnozz simply wasn't that off the hook:

So, do you know Nicole, how much sodium a typical serving of movie theater popcorn has?  LIke 1,500 mg. of it!  That's like an entire days worth. My blood-pressure is skyrocketing just thinking about it! Is it true that they make it that salty so that you get thirsty and then have to go buy a drink?  And doesn't it seem like the water fountain at a movie theater is always broken--that is, if you can find one?  Speaking of things being broken...
Now, I don't want to single out anybody in particular; but Joseph and I frequent the Salem Valley 8 AMC theater fairly often.  I mean, I'm not singling out Joseph.  I meant a particular theater...but I guess I am. Singling one out, that is.

Isn't it sad that most theaters no longer have the real-time, analog marquee info anymore?  You know, those big plastic letters, spelling out the titles and so forth.  I think it's sad. :(

But look at those prices!  No wonder they've gone the way of the Dodo bird.  But then, the Dodo is supposed to be making a comeback...
Anyways.  The staff at the Salem Valley 8 AMC are wonderful.  A nicer bunch of kids you'd ever wanna meet outside of a Taylor Swift concert!  Do you think Tay-Tay got a cut on these?

And did you get a cut on these, Nicole?

Or these?

Which would've been cool (double-dipping betwixt chains or not)!  I mean, how does all that work?  Do they need your permission to put your picture as Atlanna on a Mega-Popcorn Bucket?  Or not?  Or did they ask you and you declined?  Or did you want to be on the bucket and they said..."...test groups only wanted Jason on the bucket and/or Manta; and oddly, Willem Dafoe..."
Nicole, how on Earth did you learn to speak under water!??!

Did you get along with Amber Heard?  Oh, wait...I'm recalling that you didn't.  Nevermind.  Let's get back to maintenance...not of careers; but movie theaters!
So, why is it when I go to this theater, so often, I see heat vapors rising on the screen, as though the projector is about to burst into flames and that renders every movie a Towering Inferno?

Or the squeaking ceiling vent fan that always seems to go off during the quietest moment of the movie.

And don't even get me started, Nicole, on how often I have to go out and inform the staff that the aspect ratio is off and 3/4 of the movie is spilling onto the curtains, the walls and the ceiling.  Here's a little primer on aspect ratio. WARNING: CONTAINS MATH!

So, here's what I think might help.  How about cardboard cut-out standees of you, Nicole, in the lobby, in your movie-going, designer jumpsuit.  Life size.  And you're holding an actual popcorn bucket wherein movie patrons can retrieve the official AMC: MAKING MOVIES BETTER MANIFESTO that outlines all the guaranteed steps AMC is taking to make good on their promise.  Also in the bucket is a hardcopy of the Nutrition Information for all of the various and sundry savories available at the concession stand.  You could do a series of standees depicting you not only in the famous pinstripe suit; but iconic costumes from the World of The Movies.  Scarlett O'Hara's red dress. Princess Leia's all-white day look.  Sharon Stone's Basic Instinct all-white police interrogation outfit.  You as Virginia Woolf, nose and all!  And where is Mattel with the Barbie as Nicole Kidman in the AMC "We Make Movies Better!" promo, Barbie?  Where's AMC with the merch of you from the spot...t shirts...drink cups...popcorn buckets...cel phone cases...etc. etc.  Come on people, let's get crackin'!

Those standeees would probably get jacked pretty quick; but I'm sure you can think of something.  And if you could put in a call to the Salem Valley 8 in Salem, VA; I know the hubs and I would much appreech!
One more question:
Do you think that concession stand employees are instructed to do their jobs as slowly as humanly possible? Or possibly, as three-toed slothly as possible?  Is there some secret, psychological reason?  Is it so that people in line will be more likely to buy more junk-food because they're anxious they're going to miss the beginning of the movie and have been staring at images of food for thirty minutes?  Just wondering...
Oh, and I think you and Sam Neill and Billy Zane should get together and do a sequel to Dead Calm.  I love that movie!  And even though Billy's character dies via distress flare to the kisser, there's got to be a way to bring him back.  Maybe his long lost son comes after you and Sam on the open sea, seeking revenge, a la Captain Ahab.  Computer aging down?  Or maybe Billy's real life daughters could play the part(s)?  I don't know.  But I'll think of something!

CFR   3/20/24