FADE UP:
Image of a So-Cal mansion. We see the following text: Somewhere near Hollywood, 1999.
DIZZOLVE TO:
INT. BEDROOM -MORNING
The bedroom of a typical teen-age boy. Clothes scattered hither and yon, food-wrappers, gaming paraphernalia, etc.: basically, a hot bed of hot mess. On the walls we see posters we might see on the wall of a typical boys bedroom in 1999 if that boy happened to be Josh Brolin and he was in his early 30's:
Image of a So-Cal mansion. We see the following text: Somewhere near Hollywood, 1999.
DIZZOLVE TO:
INT. BEDROOM -MORNING
The bedroom of a typical teen-age boy. Clothes scattered hither and yon, food-wrappers, gaming paraphernalia, etc.: basically, a hot bed of hot mess. On the walls we see posters we might see on the wall of a typical boys bedroom in 1999 if that boy happened to be Josh Brolin and he was in his early 30's:
Under the covers is the figure of a man. We can only see his feet sticking out over the footboard. An alarm clock begins to BEEP. A hand comes out to silence the clock with an accompanying, deeply masculine GROAN. After a moment, we hear a KNOCK on the door and then a WOMAN'S VOICE, O/S.
WOMAN'S VOICE
Josh? Joshie honey?
The hand now pulls away the comforter from the face of the sleeper. It's JOSH BROLIN, playing himself. But is he Josh Brolin the teen-ager or Josh Brolin the adult? And does it matter, since this is a comedy sketch?
JOSH
What, Mom?
WOMAN'S VOICE
Time to get up sweetie, it's almost one in the afternoon.
JOSH
I don't wanna!
WOMAN'S VOICE
Now, you're being silly.
JOSH
It's raining...
The door-knob jiggles and the door rattles in its frame as the person on the other side finally bursts through. It's Josh's step-mom: none other than BARBRA STREISAND. She's wearing a bathrobe and her hair is under a babooshka.
JOSH
Mom! Go away!
Barbra goes to the window and throws the curtains aside and opens the sash.
BARBRA
(SINGING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS)
(To the tune of "Don't Rain on My Parade")
Don't tell Josh not to live, just lay and mutter
Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter
Don't bring around a cloud to rain on his parade!
JOSH
Mom, stop!
BARBRA
(Notices copy of Variety on nightstand and picks it up)
(Reading headline) "Mod Squad Cop Film Top Flop-Get a Mop!" Is this what you're upset about?
JOSH
(Sitting up) Yes. It's a bomb. A stinkeroonie.
BARBRA
(Sits on bed) Well that's not your fault honey. You didn't write it. You didn't produce it. You didn't direct it.
JOSH
Well, I sure feel like it's my fault.
BARBRA
(Really getting into it and singing to the tune of: "Guilty") Well, you've got nothing to be guilty of, my love, you're one in a million, I can see, that you've, got a highway to the sky...
JOSH
Huh?
BARBRA
(Still singing "Guilty")...And you've got nothing to be sorry for, your love is one in a million, eyes can see, that you've got a highway to the sky! You are devotion--
JOSH
"Eyes" can see or "I" can see?
BARBRA
Don't try and change the subject young man.
JOSH
Mom, I'm thirty one.
BARBRA
(Singing "The Way We Were") Can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time rewritten every line? If you had the chance to do it all again, tell me would you? Could you?
JOSH
Well, if I could, I sure wouldn't have done The Mod Squad movie!
BARBRA
No one will even remember that in the 21st century. And the check didn't bounce, right? So...(Singing)...it's raining, it's pouring, your latest movie's driving you to tears, what's with all these fears? ...no sunshine...no moonlight...no stardust...no sign of a romance...do you stand a chance? You always dreamed you'd make the perfect Mod Squad; but it turned out to be like ever other remake...a plod...it stunk like microwave cod...raining, pouring...
JOSH
Yes. We've established it's raining.
BARBRA
Honey...the best is yet to come and isn't it grand?
JOSH
(Punching pillow) No! It's not grand! (He begins to cry into the pillow. Barbra rubs his back).
BARBRA
Joshie, listen to me. (He sits up and she dabs at his eyes with the sheet) You need to be gay.
JOSH
Huh?
BARBRA
I need you to be gay right now. Very, very gay.
JOSH
Like, "happy" gay? Or "gay," gay?
BARBRA
"Gay," gay. Like, Judy Garland gay, is what I mean!
JOSH
Well, since I'm straight, I'm really not sure what you mean.
BARBRA
We're going to sing a duet, just like I did with Judy on her show.
JOSH
She had a show?
BARBRA
Yes. Before you were born. Hit it!
They launch into a duet of "Happy Days Are Here Again" and "Get Happy."
WOMAN'S VOICE
Josh? Joshie honey?
The hand now pulls away the comforter from the face of the sleeper. It's JOSH BROLIN, playing himself. But is he Josh Brolin the teen-ager or Josh Brolin the adult? And does it matter, since this is a comedy sketch?
JOSH
What, Mom?
WOMAN'S VOICE
Time to get up sweetie, it's almost one in the afternoon.
JOSH
I don't wanna!
WOMAN'S VOICE
Now, you're being silly.
JOSH
It's raining...
The door-knob jiggles and the door rattles in its frame as the person on the other side finally bursts through. It's Josh's step-mom: none other than BARBRA STREISAND. She's wearing a bathrobe and her hair is under a babooshka.
JOSH
Mom! Go away!
Barbra goes to the window and throws the curtains aside and opens the sash.
BARBRA
(SINGING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS)
(To the tune of "Don't Rain on My Parade")
Don't tell Josh not to live, just lay and mutter
Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter
Don't bring around a cloud to rain on his parade!
JOSH
Mom, stop!
BARBRA
(Notices copy of Variety on nightstand and picks it up)
(Reading headline) "Mod Squad Cop Film Top Flop-Get a Mop!" Is this what you're upset about?
JOSH
(Sitting up) Yes. It's a bomb. A stinkeroonie.
BARBRA
(Sits on bed) Well that's not your fault honey. You didn't write it. You didn't produce it. You didn't direct it.
JOSH
Well, I sure feel like it's my fault.
BARBRA
(Really getting into it and singing to the tune of: "Guilty") Well, you've got nothing to be guilty of, my love, you're one in a million, I can see, that you've, got a highway to the sky...
JOSH
Huh?
BARBRA
(Still singing "Guilty")...And you've got nothing to be sorry for, your love is one in a million, eyes can see, that you've got a highway to the sky! You are devotion--
JOSH
"Eyes" can see or "I" can see?
BARBRA
Don't try and change the subject young man.
JOSH
Mom, I'm thirty one.
BARBRA
(Singing "The Way We Were") Can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time rewritten every line? If you had the chance to do it all again, tell me would you? Could you?
JOSH
Well, if I could, I sure wouldn't have done The Mod Squad movie!
BARBRA
No one will even remember that in the 21st century. And the check didn't bounce, right? So...(Singing)...it's raining, it's pouring, your latest movie's driving you to tears, what's with all these fears? ...no sunshine...no moonlight...no stardust...no sign of a romance...do you stand a chance? You always dreamed you'd make the perfect Mod Squad; but it turned out to be like ever other remake...a plod...it stunk like microwave cod...raining, pouring...
JOSH
Yes. We've established it's raining.
BARBRA
Honey...the best is yet to come and isn't it grand?
JOSH
(Punching pillow) No! It's not grand! (He begins to cry into the pillow. Barbra rubs his back).
BARBRA
Joshie, listen to me. (He sits up and she dabs at his eyes with the sheet) You need to be gay.
JOSH
Huh?
BARBRA
I need you to be gay right now. Very, very gay.
JOSH
Like, "happy" gay? Or "gay," gay?
BARBRA
"Gay," gay. Like, Judy Garland gay, is what I mean!
JOSH
Well, since I'm straight, I'm really not sure what you mean.
BARBRA
We're going to sing a duet, just like I did with Judy on her show.
JOSH
She had a show?
BARBRA
Yes. Before you were born. Hit it!
They launch into a duet of "Happy Days Are Here Again" and "Get Happy."
BARBRA
Oh Bubala, that was sensational. I didn't know you sang!
JOSH
Then why did you tell me to hit it?
BARBRA
I had a feeling.
JOSH
Yeah, I sing in "Dune Part 2," too.
BARBRA
What is that? Is that one of those beach party pictures?
Josh looks to camera and we hear a classic Wah-Wah trumpet or maybe just the one Wah?
Oh Bubala, that was sensational. I didn't know you sang!
JOSH
Then why did you tell me to hit it?
BARBRA
I had a feeling.
JOSH
Yeah, I sing in "Dune Part 2," too.
BARBRA
What is that? Is that one of those beach party pictures?
Josh looks to camera and we hear a classic Wah-Wah trumpet or maybe just the one Wah?
NOTE:
Now, we could go a couple of ways here. We could just end it. Or:
A) We could continue with a call back to "No More Tears."
E.G.:
BARBRA
So, that's enough of that down in the dumps attitude mister. Enough is enough, I say. Come on cookie, sing it with me! Everybody!
At this point, the entire HOUSEHOLD STAFF files into the room, along with JAMES BROLIN and everyone sings "No More Tears" from the up-tempo part, at the top of their lungs and then we fade to commercial.
Now, we could go a couple of ways here. We could just end it. Or:
A) We could continue with a call back to "No More Tears."
E.G.:
BARBRA
So, that's enough of that down in the dumps attitude mister. Enough is enough, I say. Come on cookie, sing it with me! Everybody!
At this point, the entire HOUSEHOLD STAFF files into the room, along with JAMES BROLIN and everyone sings "No More Tears" from the up-tempo part, at the top of their lungs and then we fade to commercial.
Or...
2) Bring in an entirely new song for a Big Closing Number a la John "I'm Not Gay But I Sure Know My Way Around a Capezio Store" Mulaney:
BARBRA
Now look Josh. And heed my sage advice. Not every movie you make can be a Goonies. I should know. For every Funny Girl, there's always gonna be a Mirror Has Two Faces...but remember this, boychik--
JOSH
Huh?
BARBRA
Fuggedaboutit. Just remember this my son. You're good enough. What's good enough for you, is good enough for me...
JOSH
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...
BARBRA
And if you don't believe me; maybe you'll believe Aunt Cyndi.
JOSH
Who?
At this point, we hear the BEAT of Cyndi Lauper's "Goonies 'R' Good Enough." The walls of the bedroom separate and roll off, revealing a a water filled cavern, where floats a pirate ship. Cyndi Lauper leads Barbra (who has now removed her robe and head-scarf, revealing some totally tricked out togs and a boffo, blonde bouffant), Josh, James, the household staff and the cast of The Goonies in a rousing rendition of the movie's theme song. It all culminates in with Josh doing a Dirty Dancing dive into the upraised arms of Sloth. FADE OUT...and scene.
2) Bring in an entirely new song for a Big Closing Number a la John "I'm Not Gay But I Sure Know My Way Around a Capezio Store" Mulaney:
BARBRA
Now look Josh. And heed my sage advice. Not every movie you make can be a Goonies. I should know. For every Funny Girl, there's always gonna be a Mirror Has Two Faces...but remember this, boychik--
JOSH
Huh?
BARBRA
Fuggedaboutit. Just remember this my son. You're good enough. What's good enough for you, is good enough for me...
JOSH
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...
BARBRA
And if you don't believe me; maybe you'll believe Aunt Cyndi.
JOSH
Who?
At this point, we hear the BEAT of Cyndi Lauper's "Goonies 'R' Good Enough." The walls of the bedroom separate and roll off, revealing a a water filled cavern, where floats a pirate ship. Cyndi Lauper leads Barbra (who has now removed her robe and head-scarf, revealing some totally tricked out togs and a boffo, blonde bouffant), Josh, James, the household staff and the cast of The Goonies in a rousing rendition of the movie's theme song. It all culminates in with Josh doing a Dirty Dancing dive into the upraised arms of Sloth. FADE OUT...and scene.
I am NOT a foot fetishist!
CFR 3/4/24
ADDENDUM:
So, I found a better quality version of the Cyndi/Goonies video. It's seven minutes long. It has a storyline and dialogue. It has a guest appearance from Steven Spielberg (you might want to fast forward to the end, if you're interested). It has Captain Lou Albano. And it raises so many questions:
What does this song have to do with The Goonies movie?
If this song is about "The Goonies" in any capacity, why are "The Goonies" never mentioned in the actual song?
What does the plot of the video have to do with the movie?
Why does Lou Albano decorate his face with what appear to be rubber bands?
Why is Steven Spielberg in this video when he didn't direct the movie? Is it because nobody would've known who Richard Donner was when Cyndi breaks the fourth wall?
God knows I adore her; but how on Earth did Cyndi get a leading role in Vibes after her performance in "The Goonies Theme Song" video?
Is that actually Josh Brolin in the video when the kids from the movie appear, because it's kind of hard to get a bead on him.
If it was Josh, who was 17 at the time, did he put out Vibes to Cyndi to see if she was into younger guys; you know, a kind of "hot for teacher" sitch?
Why do people like The Goonies? Why are we still talking about The Goonies almost a half century later?
Did I see it when it was released? No. Did I catch it on cable when it went into "heavy rotation" on premium services, more than likely HBO? As a matter of fact, I did see it. Not all in one sitting. More like five to ten minute increments. Why? Because it was annoying as hell. Everything about it. Particularly the non-stop "banter" from "The Goonies" themselves. Their incessant chatter was like nails on a chalk-board. Why did they never stop talking? Why? Why???
WHY!!??!!
CHRIS
Why Steven Spielberg? I ask you why, Sir.
STEVEN SPIELBERG
(Looks to CAMERA)
I don't know.
CFR 3/4/24
ADDENDUM:
So, I found a better quality version of the Cyndi/Goonies video. It's seven minutes long. It has a storyline and dialogue. It has a guest appearance from Steven Spielberg (you might want to fast forward to the end, if you're interested). It has Captain Lou Albano. And it raises so many questions:
What does this song have to do with The Goonies movie?
If this song is about "The Goonies" in any capacity, why are "The Goonies" never mentioned in the actual song?
What does the plot of the video have to do with the movie?
Why does Lou Albano decorate his face with what appear to be rubber bands?
Why is Steven Spielberg in this video when he didn't direct the movie? Is it because nobody would've known who Richard Donner was when Cyndi breaks the fourth wall?
God knows I adore her; but how on Earth did Cyndi get a leading role in Vibes after her performance in "The Goonies Theme Song" video?
Is that actually Josh Brolin in the video when the kids from the movie appear, because it's kind of hard to get a bead on him.
If it was Josh, who was 17 at the time, did he put out Vibes to Cyndi to see if she was into younger guys; you know, a kind of "hot for teacher" sitch?
Why do people like The Goonies? Why are we still talking about The Goonies almost a half century later?
Did I see it when it was released? No. Did I catch it on cable when it went into "heavy rotation" on premium services, more than likely HBO? As a matter of fact, I did see it. Not all in one sitting. More like five to ten minute increments. Why? Because it was annoying as hell. Everything about it. Particularly the non-stop "banter" from "The Goonies" themselves. Their incessant chatter was like nails on a chalk-board. Why did they never stop talking? Why? Why???
WHY!!??!!
CHRIS
Why Steven Spielberg? I ask you why, Sir.
STEVEN SPIELBERG
(Looks to CAMERA)
I don't know.
FIN
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