Okay, certain NBC late-night comedy sketch show. Enough with the game show spoofs already. Your show has opened with game show bits, I'm thinking, for maybe the last two years. Like for real. Sure, we all LOVE the game show sketch; but we really need to put them down for a nap. Lullabye and goodnight game show sketch. Time for some Late-Night/Night-Night.
And it's not like there isn't 50 father-effin' years worth of material to mine. I don't know...maybe...bring The Coneheads back. How about this: Coneheads The Next Generation? There. I've already started it for you. That one should really write itself. Call Jane, Laraine and Danny. I'm sure they could all be in NYC by next Saturday and certainly by the 13th. Kristen Wiig and Ryan Gosling would make fantastic Remulakians both!
And it's not like there isn't 50 father-effin' years worth of material to mine. I don't know...maybe...bring The Coneheads back. How about this: Coneheads The Next Generation? There. I've already started it for you. That one should really write itself. Call Jane, Laraine and Danny. I'm sure they could all be in NYC by next Saturday and certainly by the 13th. Kristen Wiig and Ryan Gosling would make fantastic Remulakians both!
Game show! Meps! MEPS!!!
So here's the sketch. It has a lot of Guest Stars. Some old, some new. Some who keep coming back; some who never really went away: like former students who just can't seem to stay away from their old high school.
I'll be naming these folks by name; but it doesn't neccessarily have to be them in the parts. I'm just trying to passive-agressively bug a few people. And so...
POM-POM-MOMS SKETCH
IMAGE of typical well-to-do suburban house in Anytown U.S.A. (and I say "well-to-do" because there isn't much of a Middle Class anymore, is there?).
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM -AFTERNOON
A comfortably furnished, quietly luxurious living room opening from a kitchen. The front door flies open and a teen-age boy, carrying school books (do they still have those?) enters the room. He is very typical of the variety of teen-age boy. Not a nerd; but not particularly cool either. Just a Nice Kid. His name is BILLY JENKINS. He ushers into the room a teen-age girl. Typical of her variety. Not a nerd. Not one of the cool girls. Not a Mean Girl either; unless pressed. And only then is she Mean Girl Adjacent. They are both dressed the way typical teens of today dress. H & M? Hot Topics? The Limited? I don't know...
Her name is CINDY STACKPOLE.
BILLY
Thanks for coming over Cindy. It's so good of you to help me study for this. I can't believe Mr. Manoogian is springing this test on us tomorrow.
CINDY
I know. I'd rather he just pop-quizzed us today and gotten it over with.
BILLY
(Pulling out chair at dining room table) Here, make yourself comfortable.
CINDY
Thanks Billy.
Her hand grazes his and they both freeze and stare into each other's eyes, blushing. The moment is broken when:
MRS. JENKINS
(O/S from upstairs) Billy, is that you?
BILLY
Yeah Mom!
MRS. JENKINS
(O/S) Why do you keep calling me that? Who's that with you? Didn't I tell you the girls were coming over?
BILLY
(Shaking his head) I forgot. Cindy Stackpole is here--
MRS. JENKINS
(O/S) That little two-face?!!?
CINDY
Gee...maybe I should go.
BILLY
No. It's okay. I can explain. We've kinda got a Twin Peaks situation here.
CINDY
What's that?
BILLY
What?
CINDY
"Twin Peaks?"
POM-POM-MOMS SKETCH
IMAGE of typical well-to-do suburban house in Anytown U.S.A. (and I say "well-to-do" because there isn't much of a Middle Class anymore, is there?).
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM -AFTERNOON
A comfortably furnished, quietly luxurious living room opening from a kitchen. The front door flies open and a teen-age boy, carrying school books (do they still have those?) enters the room. He is very typical of the variety of teen-age boy. Not a nerd; but not particularly cool either. Just a Nice Kid. His name is BILLY JENKINS. He ushers into the room a teen-age girl. Typical of her variety. Not a nerd. Not one of the cool girls. Not a Mean Girl either; unless pressed. And only then is she Mean Girl Adjacent. They are both dressed the way typical teens of today dress. H & M? Hot Topics? The Limited? I don't know...
Her name is CINDY STACKPOLE.
BILLY
Thanks for coming over Cindy. It's so good of you to help me study for this. I can't believe Mr. Manoogian is springing this test on us tomorrow.
CINDY
I know. I'd rather he just pop-quizzed us today and gotten it over with.
BILLY
(Pulling out chair at dining room table) Here, make yourself comfortable.
CINDY
Thanks Billy.
Her hand grazes his and they both freeze and stare into each other's eyes, blushing. The moment is broken when:
MRS. JENKINS
(O/S from upstairs) Billy, is that you?
BILLY
Yeah Mom!
MRS. JENKINS
(O/S) Why do you keep calling me that? Who's that with you? Didn't I tell you the girls were coming over?
BILLY
(Shaking his head) I forgot. Cindy Stackpole is here--
MRS. JENKINS
(O/S) That little two-face?!!?
CINDY
Gee...maybe I should go.
BILLY
No. It's okay. I can explain. We've kinda got a Twin Peaks situation here.
CINDY
What's that?
BILLY
What?
CINDY
"Twin Peaks?"
BILLY
It's a TV show from before we were born that old people watched.
KRISTEN WIIG as MRS. (JENNA JENKINS) appears at the top of a staircase. Despite being well past traditional cheerleader age, she is wearing a complete cheering outfit with a large "A" beneath the silhouette of a bird (a titmouse) on her chest and carries two ginormous pom-poms which she shakes during her routine as she comes down the stairs.
MRS. JENKINS
"A" is for our awesomeness and don't you forget it! "N" is for our Neat-O-ness, we NEVAH regret it! "Y" is for our Youthful spirit; we know that you Get it! Put it in our town and WHUT does that get it? ANYTOWN TITMICE...AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!!!
She does a few kicks and then the splits.
BILLY
That was great, Mom--uhh--Jenna!
MRS. JENKINS
Thanks Billy. You're so sweet! Now why is she here?
BILLY
She's gonna help me study for the chemistry exam.
CINDY
Yeah, we have chemistry together--oh, I mean--we're partners--in chemistry class!
MRS. JENKINS
I heard that you told Sheila Minnix that Roberta Testarossa's cousin Sal Provenzano was heavy petting me in the back seat of his uncle's Corolla-Tercel at the drive-in. First of all, it's not true. And second of all, you shouldn't be talking about people behind their backs. And third of all, it was Vinny Provenzano and it was his grandfather's Impala.
BILLY
That wasn't Cindy, Jenna. It was Maria Cogliano...
MRS. JENKINS
Oh. Well, in that case. I'm hungry. Do you guys want some La Choy mini egg-rolls?
CINDY
I love those!
MRS. JENKINS
I'll be right back.
She goes into the kitchen.
CINDY
What's a "drive-in"?
Before he can answer, the DOORBELL rings. He goes to the door and opens it and several grown women, all in Anytown Titmouse cheerleader outfits rush in. There are four ladies, all with pom-poms. The Pom-Pom Moms. TRISTA (AMY POEHLER), CASSIE (TINA FEY), ANGELICA (LISA KUDROW) and MARISSA (MAYA RUDOLPH). Marissa is actually much older than the others and is Billy's GRANDMOTHER. The ladies shake their pom-poms and carry on much like excited young women who are the cheerleading type might; particularly if it was the 1950's; but it's not.
POM-POM MOMS
(Overlapping) Hi Billy! Oh, you're so cute! Are you going to the Spring Fling? Where's Jenna? I'm hungry? Should we order a pizza pie? ETC. and SO ON.
BILLY
Jenna's in the kitchen making a snack. Why don't you go help her?
There are SQUEALS OF DELIGHT and GIGGLES and TITTERS as the four women rush into the kitchen and the door swings behind them.
CINDY
I'm really confused Billy. Why are you calling your mom "Jenna" and why are those ladies dressed like that and who's the one with the white hair and the cigarette?
BILLY
That's my grandmother. You see, there was an accident. They're all in the same Bible book club and they were on their way to church and the van went off the road and they all hit their heads. When they came to, they all thought they were back in high school. The blows to their heads, like changed their personalities or something...
CINDY
Is it permanent?
BILLY
The doctors say no. That it's some kind of group shared hysterical fugue. Whatever that means.
The Pom-Pom Moms come rushing back out of the kitchen with snacks, which they place on the table.
TRISTA
Billy, wanna see our new cheer? I wrote it myself!
BILLY
Sure.
TRISTA
Yay! Come on girls!
The women form a line and launch into their routine, which includes a lot of pom-pom shaking and straddling of the sofa.
POM POM MOMS (ALL)
We're the Anytown Titmouse squad; so take a sec and stop checkin' our bods. We've got something to say and we didn't come to play! Oh, NAY NAY but we did come to PLAY!
The routine is quite involved and at some point there's a DISCO BREAK with a line dance.
(ALL / CHANT SINGING)
Fly, titmouse fly! Fly titmouse fly. Fly titmouse fly. Up, up to the sky!
They proceed to throw Grandma Marissa (Maya R.) into the air, catch her and repeat the process.
It's a TV show from before we were born that old people watched.
KRISTEN WIIG as MRS. (JENNA JENKINS) appears at the top of a staircase. Despite being well past traditional cheerleader age, she is wearing a complete cheering outfit with a large "A" beneath the silhouette of a bird (a titmouse) on her chest and carries two ginormous pom-poms which she shakes during her routine as she comes down the stairs.
MRS. JENKINS
"A" is for our awesomeness and don't you forget it! "N" is for our Neat-O-ness, we NEVAH regret it! "Y" is for our Youthful spirit; we know that you Get it! Put it in our town and WHUT does that get it? ANYTOWN TITMICE...AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!!!
She does a few kicks and then the splits.
BILLY
That was great, Mom--uhh--Jenna!
MRS. JENKINS
Thanks Billy. You're so sweet! Now why is she here?
BILLY
She's gonna help me study for the chemistry exam.
CINDY
Yeah, we have chemistry together--oh, I mean--we're partners--in chemistry class!
MRS. JENKINS
I heard that you told Sheila Minnix that Roberta Testarossa's cousin Sal Provenzano was heavy petting me in the back seat of his uncle's Corolla-Tercel at the drive-in. First of all, it's not true. And second of all, you shouldn't be talking about people behind their backs. And third of all, it was Vinny Provenzano and it was his grandfather's Impala.
BILLY
That wasn't Cindy, Jenna. It was Maria Cogliano...
MRS. JENKINS
Oh. Well, in that case. I'm hungry. Do you guys want some La Choy mini egg-rolls?
CINDY
I love those!
MRS. JENKINS
I'll be right back.
She goes into the kitchen.
CINDY
What's a "drive-in"?
Before he can answer, the DOORBELL rings. He goes to the door and opens it and several grown women, all in Anytown Titmouse cheerleader outfits rush in. There are four ladies, all with pom-poms. The Pom-Pom Moms. TRISTA (AMY POEHLER), CASSIE (TINA FEY), ANGELICA (LISA KUDROW) and MARISSA (MAYA RUDOLPH). Marissa is actually much older than the others and is Billy's GRANDMOTHER. The ladies shake their pom-poms and carry on much like excited young women who are the cheerleading type might; particularly if it was the 1950's; but it's not.
POM-POM MOMS
(Overlapping) Hi Billy! Oh, you're so cute! Are you going to the Spring Fling? Where's Jenna? I'm hungry? Should we order a pizza pie? ETC. and SO ON.
BILLY
Jenna's in the kitchen making a snack. Why don't you go help her?
There are SQUEALS OF DELIGHT and GIGGLES and TITTERS as the four women rush into the kitchen and the door swings behind them.
CINDY
I'm really confused Billy. Why are you calling your mom "Jenna" and why are those ladies dressed like that and who's the one with the white hair and the cigarette?
BILLY
That's my grandmother. You see, there was an accident. They're all in the same Bible book club and they were on their way to church and the van went off the road and they all hit their heads. When they came to, they all thought they were back in high school. The blows to their heads, like changed their personalities or something...
CINDY
Is it permanent?
BILLY
The doctors say no. That it's some kind of group shared hysterical fugue. Whatever that means.
The Pom-Pom Moms come rushing back out of the kitchen with snacks, which they place on the table.
TRISTA
Billy, wanna see our new cheer? I wrote it myself!
BILLY
Sure.
TRISTA
Yay! Come on girls!
The women form a line and launch into their routine, which includes a lot of pom-pom shaking and straddling of the sofa.
POM POM MOMS (ALL)
We're the Anytown Titmouse squad; so take a sec and stop checkin' our bods. We've got something to say and we didn't come to play! Oh, NAY NAY but we did come to PLAY!
The routine is quite involved and at some point there's a DISCO BREAK with a line dance.
(ALL / CHANT SINGING)
Fly, titmouse fly! Fly titmouse fly. Fly titmouse fly. Up, up to the sky!
They proceed to throw Grandma Marissa (Maya R.) into the air, catch her and repeat the process.
MARISSA
(Puffing on cigarette) Whadya think cutie?
BILLY
Great grand--ah--Marissa.
CASSIE
(Pointing at Cindy) Hey, Angelica--
ANGELICA
Yeah?
CASSIE
Isn't she the one who who set your jogging brassiere on fire and then tried to flush it down the toilet?
ANGELICA
Yeah! That is her! Let's swirly this girly!
The Pom-Pom Moms crowd around Cindy, and shake their pom-poms.
CINDY
Hey! Back off! Get outta my hair-space!
TRISTA
What school do you go to anyways? You're not a Titmouse!
CASSIE
Yeah. Beat it honey. Titmice only at this practice!
CINDY
It's "Titmouses"!
ANGELICA
Whatever. Cheerleaders only. Hit the bricks.
BILLY
Wait. She is a cheerleader! Show them your pom-poms, Cindy!
Cindy reaches in her backpack and pulls out some pom-poms that are not Anytown Titmouse colors.
MRS. JENKINS
Those aren't Titmouse colors. Why are you in his chem class if you don't go to his school?
CINDY
I'm a free-lance cheerleader, after school. Me and my peeps sell magazine subscriptions...
MARISSA
I don't believe this broad. Prove it. Where's your squad?
CINDY
As a matter of fact, they're in the van down the street. Let me call them and we'll kick your collective ass!
Cindy picks up her phone and dials(?).
CINDY
It's on! 732 Main Street!
Before you can say: "Gimme a 'D'!" the door bursts open and a squad of "cheerleaders" burst in. They're a tad on the scruffy side; and wait...are they mostly middle-aged? The TEAM LEADER is a white haired, older gentleman, here being essayed by STEVE MARTIN. He's playing COACH STEVE.
COACH STEVE
What's going down Cindy?
(Puffing on cigarette) Whadya think cutie?
BILLY
Great grand--ah--Marissa.
CASSIE
(Pointing at Cindy) Hey, Angelica--
ANGELICA
Yeah?
CASSIE
Isn't she the one who who set your jogging brassiere on fire and then tried to flush it down the toilet?
ANGELICA
Yeah! That is her! Let's swirly this girly!
The Pom-Pom Moms crowd around Cindy, and shake their pom-poms.
CINDY
Hey! Back off! Get outta my hair-space!
TRISTA
What school do you go to anyways? You're not a Titmouse!
CASSIE
Yeah. Beat it honey. Titmice only at this practice!
CINDY
It's "Titmouses"!
ANGELICA
Whatever. Cheerleaders only. Hit the bricks.
BILLY
Wait. She is a cheerleader! Show them your pom-poms, Cindy!
Cindy reaches in her backpack and pulls out some pom-poms that are not Anytown Titmouse colors.
MRS. JENKINS
Those aren't Titmouse colors. Why are you in his chem class if you don't go to his school?
CINDY
I'm a free-lance cheerleader, after school. Me and my peeps sell magazine subscriptions...
MARISSA
I don't believe this broad. Prove it. Where's your squad?
CINDY
As a matter of fact, they're in the van down the street. Let me call them and we'll kick your collective ass!
Cindy picks up her phone and dials(?).
CINDY
It's on! 732 Main Street!
Before you can say: "Gimme a 'D'!" the door bursts open and a squad of "cheerleaders" burst in. They're a tad on the scruffy side; and wait...are they mostly middle-aged? The TEAM LEADER is a white haired, older gentleman, here being essayed by STEVE MARTIN. He's playing COACH STEVE.
COACH STEVE
What's going down Cindy?
CINDY
These beeatches think they're better than us!
BILLY
Could you not call my mentally impaired mother and grandmother "beeatches"?
CINDY
Sorry Billy; but you've neer been a cheerleader. You just don't get it.
TRISTA
Let's see what you've got old man!
Coach Steve's squad consists of TRUDY, DIANE, BIFF, MORTY AND CO-CO. And Cindy, of course. They get in position and begin their cheer.
COACH STEVE
Clearing House Kids Roll-call! When you need a magazine and you're an overgrown teen...you'll cheer us! You'll see we're fear-luss! Clearing House kids call it out!
TRUDY
My name is miss Trudy and some say I'm moody: Here's a "C" ! (She holds up a card with the letter "C" on it).
BIFF
They all call me Biff; and on letters I'll riff: Here's an "H"! (Holds up card).
DIANE
I go by Diane and I have the best tan! Here's an "E"! (Holds up card)
MORTY
My names Mortimer and that's 'Morty" to you--
Coach Steve crashes through a paper circle with a picture of the Publisher's Clearing House Prize Patrol:
COACH STEVE
"...So die you gravy sucking pigs!"
CO-CO
Coach Steve, you're wrecking it!
CINDY
Yeah. Again.
These beeatches think they're better than us!
BILLY
Could you not call my mentally impaired mother and grandmother "beeatches"?
CINDY
Sorry Billy; but you've neer been a cheerleader. You just don't get it.
TRISTA
Let's see what you've got old man!
Coach Steve's squad consists of TRUDY, DIANE, BIFF, MORTY AND CO-CO. And Cindy, of course. They get in position and begin their cheer.
COACH STEVE
Clearing House Kids Roll-call! When you need a magazine and you're an overgrown teen...you'll cheer us! You'll see we're fear-luss! Clearing House kids call it out!
TRUDY
My name is miss Trudy and some say I'm moody: Here's a "C" ! (She holds up a card with the letter "C" on it).
BIFF
They all call me Biff; and on letters I'll riff: Here's an "H"! (Holds up card).
DIANE
I go by Diane and I have the best tan! Here's an "E"! (Holds up card)
MORTY
My names Mortimer and that's 'Morty" to you--
Coach Steve crashes through a paper circle with a picture of the Publisher's Clearing House Prize Patrol:
COACH STEVE
"...So die you gravy sucking pigs!"
CO-CO
Coach Steve, you're wrecking it!
CINDY
Yeah. Again.
COACH STEVE
Can I help it if I hit my head in a van accident?
MRS. JENKINS
That happened to all of us, too.
COACH STEVE
Maybe if we all banged our heads against the wall, we'd act our age.
There is SILENCE as everyone looks to one another and considers this. Then...
ALL
(LOUDLY, WITH FEELING) Naaahhhhhh!!!
Billy shrugs, cracks open his text book and starts studying as all the cheerleaders form a human pyramid.
FADE OUT.
And yes, I know I've jacked a lot of ideas from elsewhere. Gimme an H-O-M-A-G-E!
Can I help it if I hit my head in a van accident?
MRS. JENKINS
That happened to all of us, too.
COACH STEVE
Maybe if we all banged our heads against the wall, we'd act our age.
There is SILENCE as everyone looks to one another and considers this. Then...
ALL
(LOUDLY, WITH FEELING) Naaahhhhhh!!!
Billy shrugs, cracks open his text book and starts studying as all the cheerleaders form a human pyramid.
FADE OUT.
And yes, I know I've jacked a lot of ideas from elsewhere. Gimme an H-O-M-A-G-E!
BONUS:
Here are some actual cheers that could be used during this sketch (for time?) or whatevs. These are actual cheers Joseph recalled from his HS/Uni days.
Don't feel bad
Don't feel blue
Frankenstein was ugly too!
Move to the left
Move to the right
Peel your banana and OOOMMPH! Take a bite!
And finally:
C***s***er!
Motherf***er!
Eat a bag of s***!
C***hair, Douche-bag
S**k your Mama's t*t!
We're the best frat, all the other s**k!
We're Sigma Alpha Epsilon!
Rah-Rah-F***!
(And yes, they got Double-Secret-Probation).
CFR 4/2/24
Here are some actual cheers that could be used during this sketch (for time?) or whatevs. These are actual cheers Joseph recalled from his HS/Uni days.
Don't feel bad
Don't feel blue
Frankenstein was ugly too!
Move to the left
Move to the right
Peel your banana and OOOMMPH! Take a bite!
And finally:
C***s***er!
Motherf***er!
Eat a bag of s***!
C***hair, Douche-bag
S**k your Mama's t*t!
We're the best frat, all the other s**k!
We're Sigma Alpha Epsilon!
Rah-Rah-F***!
(And yes, they got Double-Secret-Probation).
CFR 4/2/24