HEARTFIGHT: A Screenplay / Part 12

CUT TO:
INT. PRIVATE JET -NIGHT
DONNA'S POV
We see the lights of London through the widow as the plane flies over.  Donna swivels her chair away from the view as Claudio hands her a glass of champagne.  On the other side of the aisle, Stacey and Seamus are sipping their own glasses.
CLAUDIO
(To Donna) You look so sad Donna...what's wrong?
DONNA
I'm going to miss...London...
CLAUDIO
Well, I think you're going to love Paris!  It's my adopted home...I'll show you mon Paree! (He CLINKS glasses with her).
DONNA
Claudio...
CLAUDIO
Si?
DONNA
There's something I have to tell you--
CLAUDIO
What's that?
DONNA
I--
STACEY
She's a Leo!  I told her not to let that cat out of the bag yet...
SEAMUS
Well Claudio is a Capricorn...you can't find a better match than that!
STACEY
Unless it's Sagittarius and Aries!
SEAMUS
I'm an Aries!
STACEY
No shit!  So am I! (She CLINKS glasses with Seamus)
CLAUDIO
Love is in the stars!
SEAMUS
Aye!
Stacey shoots Donna a stink-eye.  She ignores it and gives Claudio a wan smile.
CUT TO:
INT. HENRY AND DANNY'S APT. -DAY
Henry is  laying on the couch watching an old episode of Space:1999 on the TV.  Danny comes through the door with the mail and stands over Henry.  He holds out an envelope that has "Henry" on it in cursive handwriting.
DANNY
This was taped to the mailbox.
HENRY
What is it?
DANNY
It's for you...looks like Donna's hand-writing to me.  Where the hell is she, by the way?
Henry sits up, takes the envelope.
HENRY
We broke up.
DANNY
What?  When?  And when the hell were you going to tell me?
HENRY
I've got a lot on my mind Danny...I'm trying to figure some things out...
Danny sits in the chair across from Henry and hangs his head.
DANNY
Hank, I have a confession to make...
HENRY
Okay...
DANNY
The morning after you...came out...to me; I went to see Paddy and I--
HENRY
What?
DANNY
I warned him off of you.
HENRY
Jesus Christ.  Well that explains a few things.
DANNY
I was just looking out for you!
HENRY
I can look out for myself.  Stay out of my personal life.
DANNY
But I can't now, can I?
Henry doesn't answer.  He opens the letter and reads it.
DANNY
Well?
HENRY
She and Stacey have gone to Paris with Claudio and Seamus...
DANNY
What!??!
HENRY
You heard me.
DANNY
Our Seamus?  And Claudio, the Swiss guy?
HENRY
Yes.
DANNY
But, how?  How do they even know--
He's interrupted by the BUZZ of the intercom.  He gets up and answers it.
DANNY
Hullo?
GRAN
(O/S) Could you come down and help me with me bags, love?
DANNY
It's Gran!
HENRY
Well, this oughtta be fun.
DANNY
What are we gonna tell her?
HENRY
The truth.  I'm tired of this shit.
Danny GULPS loudly as he presses the switch.
DANNY
Be right down Gran...

SMASH CUT TO:
Gran lowering the letter as she removes her readers.
GRAN
This is just like the time Carla Cullen ran off with The Three Dog Night...well, what can you expect of two titty dancers?  And I can say that due to my days in the demimonde, as a fan dancer. Or should I say nights?
DANNY
So you met them?
GRAN
Who?
DANNY
Seamus and Claudio?
GRAN
That sounds like a magic act...who, now?
DANNY
The fellahs they went off with!  One's a giant red-head and the other is a giant...bald head.  They're kind of hard to miss.
GRAN
Does the bald one have golden-brown eyes?
DANNY
Yeah...
GRAN
Speaks Italian?
DANNY
Well, he only spoke English to me; but he has an accent--
GRAN
About six foot five inches?
DANNY
Yeah--
HENRY
It was him, Danny.  I saw him come out of Donna's room.
DANNY
Oh.
GRAN
(To Henry) Well son, you don't seem terribly broken up about it.
HENRY
...I'm sad about it.  I'll always love her and hope we can stay friends...
GRAN
But?
HENRY
Gran, I want to tell you something...
GRAN
Of course Henry.  Tell me...
HENRY
I recently discovered something about myself.  Or should I say, I've accepted about myself?
GRAN
Go on.
HENRY
Gran...I'm gay.
GRAN
(Nods her head)  I know Henry.
HENRY
Really...boy, it seems that everybody but me knew I was gay...
GRAN
Do you know that figure they throw around, that the gays are ten percent of the population?
HENRY
Yeah.
GRAN
Well, I think with the Irish, that percentage should go for the straights.
Henry LAUGHS.  Danny's jaw drops in bemusement.
DANNY
What are you saying Gran?
GRAN
It just seems to me that folks from the old sod are simply super gay.  Even if they don't admit it.  Or know it.  Even the straight ones.
DANNY
You really tink dat?  What about me, Gran?
GRAN
Well, you can't seem to keep a girlfriend for very long...
DANNY
That has nothing to do with it!  That's because of my annoying personality!  And I'm height challenged!
GRAN
The jury's still out on you, boy-o...
Danny HARRUMPHS, stands and goes to the kitchen.
GRAN
Make me a cup of tea while you're over there.  Henry, if there's a gay gene, and I believe there is; then there's a preponderance of it in our family.  Your late Uncle Eustis. Uncle Jackie, Uncle Dennis, Uncle Stephen on your father's side--
DANNY
What?!!?  You're crazy!
GRAN
(Undeterred) Cousin Freddy, Cousin Adam, Cousin Austin, Cousin Moira--
DANNY
​I think you're right on that last one.
HENRY
I get it Gran, I get it...
GRAN
The list goes on...and you're in good company.  They're all lovely souls.  Well, Moira can be a real gurrier sometimes...
Henry CHUCKLES as he removes the necklace with the ring on it, from his neck.  
HENRY
Gran, will you hold on to this for me, for safe keeping?
He holds out the necklace which she takes.
GRAN
I've always loved this ring.  Did she ever wear it?
HENRY
Once or twice.
GRAN
Well, it won't get any safer than here...
She tugs at her neckline and drops the necklace into her cleavage, where it disappears.
GRAN
Now tell me love...are there any same sex prospects on the horizon?
A glowing smile spreads over Henry's face as he blushes bright red.
GRAN
Oh, I believe there are!

I guess my subconscious was conjuring scenes from the Rocky Horror Picture Show; when Frank-N-Furter seduces Brad and Janet...hey, if Helen Mirren is unavailable to play Gran, two thumbs way up for Susan Sarandon!!!

NC-17 material ahead: READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

Okay...so our leads are going to go there.  I think we need to let our hair down...
We're all adults here (and if you're not an adult, have your parents turn on the content blocker!) so I'm assuming (ahem) that we all know to what I'm referring.  So, as to not get too "clinical" (or biblical, for that matter); I'm going to henceforth refer to the "activity" as "slaloming." 
Slaloming is sort of the thing that a lot of people do; but don't want to admit.  Whether it's an acquired taste or means to an end (ahem); slaloming has been with us since at least the days of the Bible.  I mean, Slalom and Gomorrah, am I right people?  Which begs the question: just what was Gomorrah famous for?  But I digress. 
In our current modern, mostly American culture, slaloming has become an almost comedic phenomenon.  The practice is often the butt of jokes, in movies, films and television.  Or it's a nightmare scenario that awaits any male who goes to the pokey.  But in the past twenty years or so, probably because of the proliferation and ease of accessibility of pornography, it's gone rather mainstream.  For not just gay men...but everybody really.  That's not to say that EVERYBODY does it.  Of course they don't.  Some people try it and come to the realization that it's not really for them.  Some people try it and find they are expert slalomers and take to it like snowflakes on a ski slope.  Dan Savage, who is gay and wrote (writes?) a sex advice column, asked his readers to come up with a term for slaloming in cases where the slalomer is a woman wearing (or I suppose holding) a phallic sex toy as she mounts the slalomee: her straight boyfriend, lover, husband (although I suppose it could be any sex/gender et. al. person).  He was flooded(?) with letters suggesting new terms.  The winner? "Pegging."  As in: she pegged me.  Or: He let me peg him. Etc.  When a niche activity actually gets a new name from the general public; it's not so niche anymore.  My husband, who was more or less "straight" in his younger days told me once of some of the young ladies he and his frat brothers knew.  They were called "Butt Virgins." (I'm not making this up).  They were thusly called that because they slalomed to A) Preserve their "virginity" and B) If they were Catholic; a means of birth control.
In fact, slaloming is now so commonplace, it's become the plot point for mainstream entertainments: Sex and the City had an episode where Miranda got slalomed (orally).  There was a body switch comedy (the name escapes me) where Jason Bateman had to slalom an older lady with his thumb...or was that Ryan Reynolds...or Ryan Reynolds pretending to be Jason Bateman?  In any event...slaloming is back, bigger than ever; and it's for all to enjoy!
Well, except maybe for male prisoners and gay male characters in movies.  Have we ever seen a scene between two men who were slaloming that wasn't sort of sad...or violent...or where they just didn't really seem to be enjoying it?  I mean, that is, if they didn't commit suicide afterwards.
I can only think of one film in recent memory that showed someone having some fun whilst slaloming.  It was Rocketman, wherein Taron Egerton, playing Elton John, discovers the joys of slaloming and happily throws his legs up in the air.  Although, the film did cut away right after that...
Oh wait...there's that scene in Law of Desire where Antonio Banderas gets slalomed...but even that scene has a certain degree of trepidation...and pretty much cuts away after Antonio throws his legs in the air.  In Brokeback Mountain, it all seemed so agonized...and then it cut away to tent flaps fluttering in the wind.
I don't want this scene between Paddy and Henry to have trepidation or agonizing. And I don't want the camera cutting away to curtains blowing in the breeze just when things get interesting. I want them to go at it like a couple of rabbits, enjoy it thoroughly and make it quite clear they've taken to it like bobsleders on a luge run!  I guess I want the scene to be erotic, of course, but sexy and sweaty and slightly comedic (to me, sex usually is). And fun.  Let's put more fun into slaloming!  Personally, as far as slaloming goes, I--
Nah.  I'm not going to tell you my personals about slaloming.  You know too much about me already.

Okay, so we've had the tender kissing scene.  And the let's oggle our Stars physiques scene (I mean, they did spend six months getting ripped for this).  Now, we're going for the wham, bam, thank you Sam scene.  As I've mentioned, I want this to be sexy and erotic; but I want it to be fun and kind of comical.  A couple of scenes come to mind from Movieland.  The Rocky Horror seduction scenes and the fast motion sex scene from A Clockwork Orange(!)  Oh, and the scene from The Hotel New Hampshire where Jodie Foster bangs her brother, played by Rob Lowe (ahhh...what was that all about John Irving?).  I suppose this scene will have a lot of fades and quick cuts, which I suppose, would make it: The Sex Montage.

​CUT TO:
INT. PADDY'S BEDROOM -NIGHT
Paddy's four-poster bed is draped with bed sheets and an Irish flag: a make-shift tent.  Candle light throws silhouettes of Paddy and Henry, cross-legged and facing each other, on to the flag.
PADDY
Do you like my googlie tent?
HENRY
(LAUGHING) Your what?
PADDY
My googlie tent...
HENRY
I heard what you said.  What's a "googlie" tent?
PADDY
What you're sitting inside!
HENRY
Why do you call it a googlie tent...do you mean, like the search engine?  Are you searching for something?
PADDY
Well, yeah...and I think I may have found it...no, no...it's just a name I made up for a bed tent when I was a kid...this was well before "Google."
HENRY
You're kind of weird.  I like it.
PADDY
You do, do you?
Henry nods.  We see the silhouettes of their faces lean in for a kiss.  We FADE TO BLACK and then FADE UP to see the silhouettes of the two men in various positions; that is, sexual positions; the implication is that oral sex is going on with quite a lot of enthusiasm, as well as embraces and more kissing.  We see different positions after each fade and  after the third or fourth FADE, we:
CUT TO:
INT. -BED TENT -NIGHT
HENRY
I just want you to know that I've been tested for everything and I'm copacetic.
PADDY
Me too.
HENRY
But I brought some condoms if you want to--
Paddy shakes his head.  Henry is sitting up.  Paddy on his knees, facing Henry, throws his arms over Henry's shoulders and moves forward.  He lowers himself on to Henry.
HENRY
Oh...oh...oh wow...
PADDY
Oh my God...
SMASH CUT TO:
TIGHT CLOSE-UP on Paddy and Henry's faces.  Paddy is on the right side of the screen, his hair matted with sweat, a look of utter ecstasy on his face.  Henry is behind him, his face over Paddy's left shoulder.  He kisses Paddy's neck. Paddy, unable to contain himself, starts GRUNTING AND MOANING.
HENRY
I'm not hurting you, am I?
PADDY
No--no--
HENRY
I guess we know what a googlie is now!
PADDY
Googlie me Hank!  Googlie me!
They both start LAUGHING.
CUT TO: 
TIGHT CLOSE-UP on the two men's faces again; except now Henry is on the right and Paddy is behind him.
PADDY
Does it feel good?  Am I making you feel nice?
HENRY
I'm forgetting how to read...
​CUT TO:
Paddy is now on his back, his legs wrapped around Henry's hips, his feet locked.  Henry starts thrusting with more intensity and we hear the bed start SQUEAKING.
HENRY
You weren't kidding about the squeaky bed...
​The SQUEAKING grows louder and louder.  Suddenly, the box spring collapses through the bed-frame and hits the floor, bringing the head and foot-boards and the tent with it.  Once the dust settles, we can see that Henry is still going at it.
CUT TO:
​TIGHT CLOSE-UP ​of Paddy and Henry's profiles as they gaze into one another's eyes.
PADDY
That was lovely...
HENRY
I think we broke the bed...
PADDY
It does that sometimes.
Henry looks at the heart tattoo on Paddy's arm.
HENRY
This is nice...
PADDY
Thanks, Kelly did it.  I noticed you haven't any, which nowadays is a bit weird.
HENRY
I could just never commit to anything...but I think I know now what I'd get if I got one.
PADDY
Don't tell me.  Let me guess.  Ahhhh, your zodiac sign.
HENRY
Well, I am a proud Sagittarius...but no.  What are you?
PADDY
Aries.
HENRY
Is that a good combination?
PADDY
Seems pretty good so far...I'd like to buy you that tattoo.
HENRY
I don't know...
PADDY
Then at least let me get the friends and family discount for you.
Henry CHUCKLES.  They gently kiss as the camera pans and does a slow ZOOM to one of the candle flames.

Please see: HEARTFIGHT: A Screenplay Pt. 13 for the next installment.
CFR  6/21/23