It does not cease to amaze me how these things work. Or should that be work out? Because I have no idea how this works.
Okay, so I had this idea for a scene, kind of like the swimming hole scene from A Room With A View. A wee bit too graphic to post here. It was one of the first modern movie scenes that unapologetically featured male nudity. Several of the male leads strip naked and go swimming in a pond and clown around. It's quite innocent; but also rather erotic. No one saw that scene coming in a 1985 Merchant-Ivory arthouse picture! In that spirit, I imagined the Lana-Batali crew having a celebratory cook-out in the English woods outside the headquarters. Then I thought, "Gee, do they have cook-outs in Great Britain? Don't they more, like, "picnic" on the grass? I'm not sure. But as the crew is mostly guys, I thought it would be nice to have a skinny dipping scene, where Ick (who is pansexual, natch) puts the moves on Paddy. Then I researched British forests, parks, swimming holes, rivers, etc. Pictures of Grantchester Meadows in Cambridge came up; and also a song of the same name by Pink Floyd. Curious, I listened to it. Not at all what I was expecting; but, it would work beautifully playing over the scene, as the men float lazily down the river. The video is above, so you can listen as you read!
CUT TO:
EXT. GRANTCHESTER MEADOWS, CAMBRIDGE -DAY
It is picture perfect summer day. The men from Lani-Batali are on the banks of the River Cam, having a day of R&R; which includes the more refined sports of badminton and croquet. A cricket game is also in progress. Sean and Cal are lazily swatting at shuttlecocks. Ick and Paddy, along with Kelly O'Kelly are knocking about a croquet ball. Roddy is lying on a blanket, looking at his laptop.
KELLY
I think we've found the one thing you suck at Paddy.
PADDY
Croquet? Who plays croquet? What is this, Heathers?
ICK
I love that movie!
RODDY
Paddy, have you ever heard of a fellah named Henry Notlad?
PADDY
Is he a Yank?
RODDY
Yes.
PADDY
Yeah. He retired from UFC about five years ago, didn't he?
RODDY
That's him. His brother's his manager. Wants me to sign him...
PADDY
Are you gonna?
RODDY
I've got to meet him first; but yeah, I'm thinking about it.
He turns back to his screen. Kelly swings her mallet, knocking Ick's ball out of play.
KELLY
Oh, I hit the peg! How many points is that?
ICK
Two. You win. I'm hot. Fancy a swim?
PADDY
Yes! I'm sweatin' me cobblers off out here!
KELLY
You boys go ahead. I don't do snapping turtles.
ICK
Race ya!
He drops his mallet and he's off. Paddy hands his mallet to Kelly and walks slowly towards the river.
RODDY
(To Kelly) Oh, to be nineteen again...
KELLY
He's nineteen? I thought he was much younger.
RODDY
He'll be twenty in November.
Kelly shades her eyes and watches as Paddy catches up with Ick and they plunge into the water.
Okay, so I had this idea for a scene, kind of like the swimming hole scene from A Room With A View. A wee bit too graphic to post here. It was one of the first modern movie scenes that unapologetically featured male nudity. Several of the male leads strip naked and go swimming in a pond and clown around. It's quite innocent; but also rather erotic. No one saw that scene coming in a 1985 Merchant-Ivory arthouse picture! In that spirit, I imagined the Lana-Batali crew having a celebratory cook-out in the English woods outside the headquarters. Then I thought, "Gee, do they have cook-outs in Great Britain? Don't they more, like, "picnic" on the grass? I'm not sure. But as the crew is mostly guys, I thought it would be nice to have a skinny dipping scene, where Ick (who is pansexual, natch) puts the moves on Paddy. Then I researched British forests, parks, swimming holes, rivers, etc. Pictures of Grantchester Meadows in Cambridge came up; and also a song of the same name by Pink Floyd. Curious, I listened to it. Not at all what I was expecting; but, it would work beautifully playing over the scene, as the men float lazily down the river. The video is above, so you can listen as you read!
CUT TO:
EXT. GRANTCHESTER MEADOWS, CAMBRIDGE -DAY
It is picture perfect summer day. The men from Lani-Batali are on the banks of the River Cam, having a day of R&R; which includes the more refined sports of badminton and croquet. A cricket game is also in progress. Sean and Cal are lazily swatting at shuttlecocks. Ick and Paddy, along with Kelly O'Kelly are knocking about a croquet ball. Roddy is lying on a blanket, looking at his laptop.
KELLY
I think we've found the one thing you suck at Paddy.
PADDY
Croquet? Who plays croquet? What is this, Heathers?
ICK
I love that movie!
RODDY
Paddy, have you ever heard of a fellah named Henry Notlad?
PADDY
Is he a Yank?
RODDY
Yes.
PADDY
Yeah. He retired from UFC about five years ago, didn't he?
RODDY
That's him. His brother's his manager. Wants me to sign him...
PADDY
Are you gonna?
RODDY
I've got to meet him first; but yeah, I'm thinking about it.
He turns back to his screen. Kelly swings her mallet, knocking Ick's ball out of play.
KELLY
Oh, I hit the peg! How many points is that?
ICK
Two. You win. I'm hot. Fancy a swim?
PADDY
Yes! I'm sweatin' me cobblers off out here!
KELLY
You boys go ahead. I don't do snapping turtles.
ICK
Race ya!
He drops his mallet and he's off. Paddy hands his mallet to Kelly and walks slowly towards the river.
RODDY
(To Kelly) Oh, to be nineteen again...
KELLY
He's nineteen? I thought he was much younger.
RODDY
He'll be twenty in November.
Kelly shades her eyes and watches as Paddy catches up with Ick and they plunge into the water.
CUT TO:
EXT. RIVER -DAY
Ick and Paddy swim to an old punt boat and climb into it. They both pick up oars and start down the river. Life is but a dream as the pair meander down the waterway, past trees and reeds and greenery so vivid, it doesn't seem real. They drift to a more secluded part of the stream and Paddy loops the boat's rope around a low hanging tree branch.
Ick stands and removes his bathing trunks. Paddy seems more than a little surprised by this.
PADDY
Ick I don't think--
Ick LAUGHS and jumps into the water and swims away. He dives under then comes up near the boat.
ICK
What are you waiting for? It's glorious!
He swims off again and seems to disappear. Paddy jumps in the water and does a lazy backstroke, then stops and wades.
PADDY
Ick? Where'd you go.
We see Ick below the water, swim up to Paddy. Paddy has a sudden start and then Ick breaks the surface, waving Paddy's bathing suit.
PADDY
Ick...Frankie...give that back...
ICK
You just got ICKED old man.
PADDY
Francis Shannon, give me back me drawers. Now.
ICK
Make me.
He swims off down the river to a reeded area. Paddy, who seems simultaneously confused, ticked off and amused, swims after him.
CUT TO:
EXT. REEDED AREA -DAY
Paddy swims into the the shaded area where stands of reeds and rushes are swaying in the breeze. It is quiet, except for the lone song of a nightingale. Paddy wades into water that is just to his navel.
PADDY
(Softly) Ick...?
Ick emerges from the water, just behind Paddy, as silent as an owl. He puts his arms around Paddy's waist and kisses the back of his neck.
REVERSE ON PADDY
A prism of emotions play over Paddy's face. He stands stock still. Time seems suspended.
PADDY
Ick, what are you doing?
ICK
You're shaking...you've never done this before, have you?
Paddy turns and takes Ick by the shoulders and holds him at arm's length.
PADDY
Ick, what can I say? You're beautiful. You're literally an angel. But your dad is my boss--
ICK
I won't tell him if you won't.
PADDY
Stop joking. I'm serious.
ICK
Paddy, can't you feel the...flow...of energy...between us? (He puts his hand below the water) Because I can.
PADDY
(Taking Ick's hand away) I'm old enough to be your father.
ICK
That doesn't matter to me!
PADDY
Well it does to me. I can't be with you, son. And I won't...
ICK
(SIGHS) Are you sure? (He attempts a kiss, Paddy gently holds him back).
PADDY
Quite sure.
ICK
(Considers for a moment) Kelly's your flat-mate, isn't she? (Paddy nods) Is she single?
They look at each other for a moment, then Paddy shakes his head; but he's smiling.
ICK
Well, is she?
Paddy playfully pushes Ick under the water and a splash fight ensues.
PADDY
Now where the hell are me knickers?
EXT. RIVER -DAY
Ick and Paddy swim to an old punt boat and climb into it. They both pick up oars and start down the river. Life is but a dream as the pair meander down the waterway, past trees and reeds and greenery so vivid, it doesn't seem real. They drift to a more secluded part of the stream and Paddy loops the boat's rope around a low hanging tree branch.
Ick stands and removes his bathing trunks. Paddy seems more than a little surprised by this.
PADDY
Ick I don't think--
Ick LAUGHS and jumps into the water and swims away. He dives under then comes up near the boat.
ICK
What are you waiting for? It's glorious!
He swims off again and seems to disappear. Paddy jumps in the water and does a lazy backstroke, then stops and wades.
PADDY
Ick? Where'd you go.
We see Ick below the water, swim up to Paddy. Paddy has a sudden start and then Ick breaks the surface, waving Paddy's bathing suit.
PADDY
Ick...Frankie...give that back...
ICK
You just got ICKED old man.
PADDY
Francis Shannon, give me back me drawers. Now.
ICK
Make me.
He swims off down the river to a reeded area. Paddy, who seems simultaneously confused, ticked off and amused, swims after him.
CUT TO:
EXT. REEDED AREA -DAY
Paddy swims into the the shaded area where stands of reeds and rushes are swaying in the breeze. It is quiet, except for the lone song of a nightingale. Paddy wades into water that is just to his navel.
PADDY
(Softly) Ick...?
Ick emerges from the water, just behind Paddy, as silent as an owl. He puts his arms around Paddy's waist and kisses the back of his neck.
REVERSE ON PADDY
A prism of emotions play over Paddy's face. He stands stock still. Time seems suspended.
PADDY
Ick, what are you doing?
ICK
You're shaking...you've never done this before, have you?
Paddy turns and takes Ick by the shoulders and holds him at arm's length.
PADDY
Ick, what can I say? You're beautiful. You're literally an angel. But your dad is my boss--
ICK
I won't tell him if you won't.
PADDY
Stop joking. I'm serious.
ICK
Paddy, can't you feel the...flow...of energy...between us? (He puts his hand below the water) Because I can.
PADDY
(Taking Ick's hand away) I'm old enough to be your father.
ICK
That doesn't matter to me!
PADDY
Well it does to me. I can't be with you, son. And I won't...
ICK
(SIGHS) Are you sure? (He attempts a kiss, Paddy gently holds him back).
PADDY
Quite sure.
ICK
(Considers for a moment) Kelly's your flat-mate, isn't she? (Paddy nods) Is she single?
They look at each other for a moment, then Paddy shakes his head; but he's smiling.
ICK
Well, is she?
Paddy playfully pushes Ick under the water and a splash fight ensues.
PADDY
Now where the hell are me knickers?
CUT TO:
INT. TENT -DAY
Henry is sitting on a cot with the uilleann pipes in his lap. In a chair facing him is OZAN, a large, hirsute Turkish man, 30's. Henry proceeds to "play" the pipes: "Mary Had A Little Lamb" maybe? Ozan scrunches up his face and shakes his head.
OZAN
No Mr. Hank!
HENRY
Well, I'm sorry that I can't play it like you can.
OZAN
You can't play it no way!
He pulls the instrument away from Henry and then goes to a trunk, which he opens. He rummages around and pulls out a zurna. He considers, gives it a few toots, then shakes his head. After a couple more horns, he extracts a long shepherd's flute: a kaval. He extends it to Henry.
OZAN
Maybe this better...
Henry shrugs and puts it to his lips. This time "Mary Had A Little Lamb" is mellow and melodic and a bit haunting.
OZAN
Now we speaking!
Claudio comes through the tent flap and listens for a moment.
CLAUDIO
Not bad. All right lad, are you ready?
HENRY
Ready.
He tucks the flute under his arm, grabs his backpack and follows Claudio and Ozan out of the tent.
INT. TENT -DAY
Henry is sitting on a cot with the uilleann pipes in his lap. In a chair facing him is OZAN, a large, hirsute Turkish man, 30's. Henry proceeds to "play" the pipes: "Mary Had A Little Lamb" maybe? Ozan scrunches up his face and shakes his head.
OZAN
No Mr. Hank!
HENRY
Well, I'm sorry that I can't play it like you can.
OZAN
You can't play it no way!
He pulls the instrument away from Henry and then goes to a trunk, which he opens. He rummages around and pulls out a zurna. He considers, gives it a few toots, then shakes his head. After a couple more horns, he extracts a long shepherd's flute: a kaval. He extends it to Henry.
OZAN
Maybe this better...
Henry shrugs and puts it to his lips. This time "Mary Had A Little Lamb" is mellow and melodic and a bit haunting.
OZAN
Now we speaking!
Claudio comes through the tent flap and listens for a moment.
CLAUDIO
Not bad. All right lad, are you ready?
HENRY
Ready.
He tucks the flute under his arm, grabs his backpack and follows Claudio and Ozan out of the tent.
Please see "Heartfight: A Screenplay Part 5" for the next installment.
CFR 4/21/23
CFR 4/21/23
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