So, what's new with you? Oh, that's nice! What's new with me? Well, I saw Avatar: The Weight of Water, yesterday.
I don't get it. I simply don't get it. I saw the first Avatar at the movies a million years ago along with millions of others making it millions--wait, make that billions--of dollars. Why? Well, my husband and I go to see a lot of movies and when it came out, for some reason, he really wanted to see it. So we saw it. Did I like it? Well, you need to define "like..."
Wait. Before I start criticizing Avatar and its sequel--
Oh! I almost forgot...I tried CBD for the first time on New Year's Eve. I may not be a SUPERFAN of Avatar but I'm a MEGAFAN of CBD!
But back to Avatar.
First, let me say that some of my favorite movies are a James Cameron joint. Jim is one of my favorite directors! In fact, I'd put Jimmy's ALIENS in my top ten all time favorites!
Later in the show, they brought out Sia in a box. I'm not all that familiar with Sia and her music; so when she started singing I thought: "Oh, this must be some new single...or old hit..." And then David wandered out again, in the same outfit he wore for "Let's Dance" and started singing with Sia. I was confused. I thought: "Is this her song or his song?" It seemed to be her song; but then he kind of steam-rolled over her and took the vocal reigns (reins? I guess either word would work). Apparently he had sung during the part I missed. I think that's maybe two times too many David Byrne numbers. I mean, don't get me wrong. I love him and always have...but the duet with Sia kind of sabotaged the great moment with Miley. And I have to ask, Sia, what's with the hiding your eyes bit? I'm sorry, but I need to see a singer's eyes. There's almost as much of the song there as there is in the voice. I need a singer to look me in the eyes! I don't trust someone who won't look me in the eyes. I don't trust it in a bank teller, I don't trust it in an insurance salesman and I certainly don't trust it in a Chief of Surgery!* And what's with the black and white wigs? Sia honey, Cruella Deville has the lock on that. Ditch the wigs, babe.
I knew there was no way of getting out of it; for the husband, who "liked" the first one, was keen to see this one. I had seen the various and sundry trailers numerous times, so I sort of knew what I was in for. But, as I enjoy gazing at undersea creatures, I thought: Okay, fine, I'm sure those three hours and ten minutes will fly by! But even my husband (wait a sec...did I ever mention his name is Joseph? I keep calling him "my husband," like Jeannie with "my Master" So from here on out, he will be referred to as Joseph and in further blogs, if you come across his name, you'll know to whom I'm referring) was a bit daunted by the looooong run time. And BTW, what is up nowadays with these gargantuan run times, for like everything?
Thank you for calling MOVIE-PHONE: you have chosen MINIONS 11: The Minions Take Milwaukee: Now playing at AFU Town Center: THREE HOURS AND TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES
I mean, don't get me wrong: I like a nice long movie every now and again (I feel like I'm getting my money's worth) but when some third-tier superhero movie's fifth installment is over two hours; I'm sorry but that's just bloat. And I sat through all five plus hours of 1900 at the New Beverly Cinema when it was the Old Beverly Cinema! Now that's some Cinephilia! But hey, I got to see De Niro's ding-ding! And Gerard Depardieu's too (I mean, this was when you would've wanted to see it; although, if De Niro wanted to show me his ding-ding today, who am I to say 'No'?).
I couldn't help but wonder what a Na'vi ding-ding looked like. Or Na'vi lady-nips. Or Na'vi...well, let's just say it: sphincters. Because such great pains were taken to avoid showing any of it. Like, Na'vi gals necklaces had a sort of physics defying way of not moving; thus, not engendering a Na'vi Nip-Slip. In fact, the male Na'vi seemed to be somewhat bereft of nipples as well. Like cats, they have tails, and you know what happens when a cat raises its tail. Not so the Na'vi. Not a Na'vi butthole to be seen on the entire planet. Jim C.: please address these pressing issues in Avatar 3: Na'vi Wee-Wee.
Okay, let me first say, that I enjoyed Avatar: The Way of Water a lot more than I thought I was going to. Why? Hmmmm...let me think on that. Oh yeah: one word: Sigourney. Going in, I knew that Sigourney was supplying one of the voices; but I didn't think she'd be "in" the movie. But she was. Much to my surprise and delight. And I'm just gonna say it: she made the first two hours "sit-through-able."
Which is why the voice acting needs to carry it. And our Sigourney achieves that with flying colors! And I'll give it to Zoe Saldana too. The only point when I was emotionally moved during the entire three hours and ten minutes was when Zoe's character was keening over her dead son.
But I have some questions...
Where did Edie Falco go?
Why did the movie suddenly become a whaling epic?
Shouldn't have the asshole Aussie whale hunter lost his skull cap, rather than his arm (poetic justice)?; but that's just the screenwriter in me. Or is Jimmy gonna bring him back...because even though he and his arm were launched overboard and his boat exploded, in MovieLand, that doesn't necessarily mean he's dead.
I just learned that yesterday was officially the U.S. Screenwriter's Day. Does that include unproduced screenwriters? I hope so. Do you know how many really great screenplays I read when I was a script reader at Robinson, Weintraub and Gross? A lot! And if I thought something was good, I would tell the powers that be that I thought so (not that it would've made a difference, anyways). I figured that since like, 99 and 44/100th percent of unsolicited screenplays would never see the light of day I might as well "greenlight" as many as I could. I guess I resented and was fighting the PATRIARCHY: the automatic "NO" people. Well, in Hollywood, the matriarchy is just as bad...
So let's all say a prayer to one of the patron Saints of writers. How about that sexy-ass chrome dome, Saint Francis De Sales? Works for me! He can write his name on my throbbing heart anytime he wants!