DIALS PHONE
RINGING then a CLICK as someone picks up.
TEENA
Hello?
CHRIS
Teena, it's Chris.
TEENA
Can this wait? I'm trying to write a pilot.
CHRIS
You write?
TEENA
I'm a Tina Fey impersonator. Of course I write!
CHRIS
Wow. You're like, totally, submerged.
TEENA
I think you mean "immersed."
CHRIS
You really are a writer! But I prefer "submerged"; it brings a certain absurdity to it--
TEENA
Okay, so what happened now. Who was "inspired" this time?
CHRIS
Dr. Frasier Crane, D.D.S, no less!
I'm going to assume that you're talking about the reboot of Frasier starring Kelsey Grammer that has yet to even air, I might add.
CHRIS
Correct!
TEENA
So, you're about to tell me that this new version of the beloved classic series has somehow "borrowed," "been inspired by," or has "appropriated" from you. This established Intellectual Property; or "IP" as it's commonly known?
CHRIS
Bingo!
TEENA
I'm listening...
CHRIS
Okay, so, do you remember when I wrote that blog about two years ago?
TEENA
No. What was it about?
CHRIS
Well, its title was: "Anyone Can Make a Sitcom!"
TEENA
Let me guess. It was about sitcoms?
CHRIS
Give the little lady a prize!
TEENA
That's sexist.
CHRIS
Actually, it was a series of blogs wherein I created (with the help of my husband) an original sitcom pilot, from the ground up, using only random names and occupations. It's called Cheeseheads. You can read the script on my blog.
TEENA
Maybe. What's it about?
CHRIS
A wacky extended family in Green Bay, Wisconsin and their crazy Minnesota shenanigans!
TEENA
I thought you said Wisconsin.
CHRIS
Same diff.
TEENA
So the Frasier people "borrowed" from this pilot script?
CHRIS
No.
TEENA
No? So, they didn't "borrow" from you.
CHRIS
Well, let's see what you think. While I was getting into the premise of Cheeseheads, I kept thinking about Mike Sorrentino.
Who?
CHRIS
The Situation.
TEENA
What's the situation?
CHRIS
That's his nick-name or was it what he called his abs?
TEENA
What are you talking about?
CHRIS
He's a TV personality. He's part of the Jersey Shore gang. He went to jail for tax evasion.
TEENA
Okay, what does The Situation have to do with your situation?
CHRIS
I pitched a sit-com into the ether. I called it The Sitch-Com and it starred Mr. Sorrentino. The show was built around him.
TEENA
Is he funny?
CHRIS
I find him amusing.
TEENA
Can he act?
CHRIS
He wouldn't have to. He'd just be himself, like Kim Kardashian.
TEENA
Is she on the show?
CHRIS
She is now!!!
TEENA
But what does any of this have to do with Frasier?
I'm getting to that! So, I was riffing on ideas about just what The Sitch-Com might be about. I was being 83% absurd, of course; but not so absurd that the idea wasn't feasible.
TEENA
What was the idea?
CHRIS
Well, a lot of it played on Mr. Sorrentino's Italiano persona. I had recently visited Rehoboth Beach and was surprisingly charmed by it. So, I set it there. And of course, every sitcom needs a place for the characters to hang out when they're not at home or work: a bar, a pub, a coffee house, a diner, a cafe, a bookstore; ad infinitum. I pictured him and his crazy Italian friends hanging out in...get this...an Irish bar.
TEENA
Why?
CHRIS
The whole fish out of water thing! We gotta stir up those comedy shenanigans! Give Mike a love interest with some friction. Get those sparks flying. So, a pretty Irish lady bartender.
TEENA
Sounds like Cheers to me...
CHRIS
It did to me too. So I decided to make Mike a fire fighter. And not only that, the cook at the firehouse. And not only that, he still lives at home with his crazy Italian family. Lots of possible "sitches" for the "com!"
TEENA
Okay; but how is this connected to Frasier?
CHRIS
Well, for some reason, Frasier's grown son is now a fire fighter; after dropping out of Harvard.
TEENA
Yeah, like that happens in life.
CHRIS
And he and his crazy fire fighter buddies hang out in what appears to be a pub! And I can't think of any sitcom about firefighters.
TEENA
What about Tacoma FD?
CHRIS
What now?
TEENA
It's a sitcom about fire fighters in Tacoma that's been on since 2019.
CHRIS
Where?
TEENA
On Tru TV
You can't win 'em all, Chris.
CHRIS
No...you can't...
TEENA
Well, can you connect yourself to Frasier some other way? How about that "3 Reidy Degrees" thing?
CHRIS
Actually, I can. To both the show and the actor who played him. I actually ushered on that show as a page when they filmed the friggin' pilot.
TEENA
Wow. That's actually sort of cool.
CHRIS
And one time I was standing right next to Kelsey Grammer in the dinner line.
TEENA
You were not.
CHRIS
I was. He was literally three inches away from me. He has really big feet.
TEENA
He does?
CHRIS
Yeah, he was barefoot, too. We were outside in this park near the stage they filmed on.
TEENA
Did you talk to him?
CHRIS
He did say something to me, I forget what. He was really nice and seemed totally down to Earth. I didn't really say anything back.
TEENA
Why not?
CHRIS
Because I clam up around celebrities; and I'm wicked shy to begin with. I actually had Jennifer Beals sitting across from my reception desk and I didn't say anything. And we have the same birthday!
TEENA
Wait a second. Why was a big TV star eating with you?
CHRIS
Well, you know, they'd feed everyone working on the show. Including the pages. Not always though. It was an ongoing battle. Not just with Frasier, but the studio. They paid us nothing and also tried to feed us nothing. But we pages, we had our ways...
TEENA
Was Eddie there?
CHRIS
I'm sure his trainer was there, so he probably was too.
TEENA
Were you ever on the Cheers set?
CHRIS
No, Cheers had gone off the same year I started. Missed it by that much!
TEENA
The 90's were fun!
CHRIS
Were they though? I kind of felt like I was living in a watered down version of the 80's; but that's just me.
TEENA
So, Chris...you know you can't keep doing this, right?
CHRIS
Doing what?
TEENA
Accusing everyone and everything in the Entertainment Industry of "borrowing" from you.
CHRIS
Why not?
TEENA
People are going to think you're crazy.
CHRIS
But I am crazy. And Teena, at this point in my life, what do I have to lose? Nothing. And my filter is getting more and more wonky. I will continue to point out these, for me, "eyebrow raising" moments. Anyone out there who feels I'm in error or actually certifiably "crazy" is welcome to point that out themselves. These blogs have a "Comment" feature. Comment away people!
TEENA
You're a nut.
CHRIS
Sometimes I feel like one and sometimes I don't. Teena, did you ever wonder why Mounds only comes in dark chocolate and Almond Joy only comes in milk chocolate? I mean, why don't they offer both candy bars in both chocolates? 'Cuz I always prefer nuts and I prefer dark chocolate.
TEENA
I guess you could always stick some almonds in a Mounds bar.
CHRIS
I never thought of that! Teena, you're a genius.
TEENA
I know.
CHRIS
What's you pilot about?
TEENA
A college professor who has a mid-life crisis and becomes a body guard to a K-Pop girl group.
CHRIS
I love it! But you know, in one of my scripts I had college professor--
CLICK
CHRIS
Oh darling, you are tough!