Ick stands behind Paddy, very close. He makes some adjustments to Paddy's positioning. It is very "hands on." Is Ick aware of his demonstrativeness? It's hard to say. Paddy tries to be stoic. Sean fidgets.
ICK
(Placing his hands over Paddy's) Okay, so you just want to take the tipper or cipin, as it's also called; and do a stroke like this...(Ick moves Paddy's hand so that the cipin gently glides across the skin) All right, well that's where we want to get; but let's put the tipper down and just use your hand. It's all in the wrist. You want to loosen up that wrist.
Ick demonstrates by flicking his wrist. Paddy follows in kind. Sean also flips his wrists; albeit in a somewhat mocking way. Sean GIGGLES. Paddy glares at Sean.
ICK
I said "loose" Sean. Not "limp."
SEAN
I didn't say anything!
PADDY
I swear to God, Sean...
SEAN
(Laughing) I'm sorry but it looks like you're having a roight proper wank!
Ick and Paddy look at their hands, consider, then break down LAUGHING as well.
CUT TO:
EXT. SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS -DAY
A vista of stunning hills, swathed in green. Outcroppings of stone. Rolling clouds. We see the figures of Henry, Danny and Seamus, making their way across the grass. Their goal: a massive stone castle at the top of a crag.
ICK
(Placing his hands over Paddy's) Okay, so you just want to take the tipper or cipin, as it's also called; and do a stroke like this...(Ick moves Paddy's hand so that the cipin gently glides across the skin) All right, well that's where we want to get; but let's put the tipper down and just use your hand. It's all in the wrist. You want to loosen up that wrist.
Ick demonstrates by flicking his wrist. Paddy follows in kind. Sean also flips his wrists; albeit in a somewhat mocking way. Sean GIGGLES. Paddy glares at Sean.
ICK
I said "loose" Sean. Not "limp."
SEAN
I didn't say anything!
PADDY
I swear to God, Sean...
SEAN
(Laughing) I'm sorry but it looks like you're having a roight proper wank!
Ick and Paddy look at their hands, consider, then break down LAUGHING as well.
CUT TO:
EXT. SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS -DAY
A vista of stunning hills, swathed in green. Outcroppings of stone. Rolling clouds. We see the figures of Henry, Danny and Seamus, making their way across the grass. Their goal: a massive stone castle at the top of a crag.
SEAMUS
Gentlemen, welcome to Duntulm!
DANNY
Aren't we staying at that wee little hotel we passed?
HENRY
"Wee" means "little," Danny.
SEAMUS
(Pointing) There's your hotel!
CUT TO:
EXT. DUNTULM CASTLE TRAINING CAMP -DAY
The castle is mostly ruins; but set up within the walls is a fairly modern collection of military style Sibley tents. Seamus is leading Henry and Danny to the tent area when an extremely large man in a kilt walks towards them. This is CLAUDIO, late 30's. He is Seamus' right hand man. The two embrace.
CLAUDIO
Welcome back Captain.
SEAMUS
Henry, Danny, this is Claudio. Perhaps the finest trainer to come out of Switzerland since...well...ever!
CLAUDIO
I was just on my way to the mess tent for my second-and-a-half lunch.
DANNY
Don't tell me. Haggis?
CLAUDIO
(Winces and sticks out his tongue and shakes his head) Nice to meet you both.
Claudio continues on his way and Seamus holds open the flap of a tent.
"Claudio" will be played by "Cesaro" the wrestler.
Gentlemen, welcome to Duntulm!
DANNY
Aren't we staying at that wee little hotel we passed?
HENRY
"Wee" means "little," Danny.
SEAMUS
(Pointing) There's your hotel!
CUT TO:
EXT. DUNTULM CASTLE TRAINING CAMP -DAY
The castle is mostly ruins; but set up within the walls is a fairly modern collection of military style Sibley tents. Seamus is leading Henry and Danny to the tent area when an extremely large man in a kilt walks towards them. This is CLAUDIO, late 30's. He is Seamus' right hand man. The two embrace.
CLAUDIO
Welcome back Captain.
SEAMUS
Henry, Danny, this is Claudio. Perhaps the finest trainer to come out of Switzerland since...well...ever!
CLAUDIO
I was just on my way to the mess tent for my second-and-a-half lunch.
DANNY
Don't tell me. Haggis?
CLAUDIO
(Winces and sticks out his tongue and shakes his head) Nice to meet you both.
Claudio continues on his way and Seamus holds open the flap of a tent.
"Claudio" will be played by "Cesaro" the wrestler.
3/22/23: Okay, I thought this was really weird. Last night we watched Rhythm Section. It was a kind of distaff James Bond Jr. type thing starring Blake Lively (who I really like) and Jude Law (who I also really like). Apparently it was a flop and is now nearly completely forgotten, even though it came out three years ago. For that kind of movie, I thought it wasn't bad. Not the greatest...but not the worst either. In any event, as I am about to write a "training montage" set in the Scottish highlands I found it, as I said, really weird, that that movie has a training montage...in Inverness Scotland...in a camp that has Quonset huts. My camp has tents. This is pure coincidence(!).
Speaking of "training montages":
Speaking of "training montages":
Actually, I think this is a really great training montage. Gronk is an excellent comedic actor (SNL, what are you waiting for?). I think he needs to be one of the Highland Gamers in this movie! As for my training montage...yes; there will be one. It's kind of unavoidable. And here, quite necessary, as we're going to be seeing two different men training for the same thing, simultaneously. With that in mind...I want to steal something from the past. The awesome montage sequences from the original The Thomas Crown Affair (1968). They're absolutely bonkers, which is why I love them. Here are a couple:
You know, if you simply admit you're stealing something, does that make it okay? But this is a case of "homage." Am I right people?
CUT TO:
INT. TENT -DAY
The tent has four sets of bunk beds. It is rather Spartan, as one might expect; but not the end of the world.
SEAMUS
You lads can take the bunk against the wall there...it's not exactly the Ritz; but then, you're not here for pillow mints.
DANNY
(Raising an eyebrow, pondering) Well, in any event, I can't stay...
SEAMUS
It's a long hike back to Dunvegan.
DANNY
I'll spend the night at that wee tiny hotel we passed.
HENRY
"Wee" means "tiny" Danny.
DANNY
Will you stop busting my chops?
SEAMUS
I think we're all a wee bit hangry. (Pulls two kilts from hooks on the wall). Put these on and meet me at the mess tent.
DANNY
I need to charge my phone. Where's the outlet?
SEAMUS
No outlets. No phone. No electricity.
DANNY
How do you cook the food?
SEAMUS
The old fashioned way!
SMASH CUT TO:
Venison, an entire deer's worth, roasting on a spit above a fire pit. Danny stares at it then proceeds to gag. After a few moments he turns away and full on throws up.
SEAMUS
What? You don't fancy venison?
Claudio, who is turning the spit CHUCKLES.
CUT TO:
INT. TENT -DAY
The tent has four sets of bunk beds. It is rather Spartan, as one might expect; but not the end of the world.
SEAMUS
You lads can take the bunk against the wall there...it's not exactly the Ritz; but then, you're not here for pillow mints.
DANNY
(Raising an eyebrow, pondering) Well, in any event, I can't stay...
SEAMUS
It's a long hike back to Dunvegan.
DANNY
I'll spend the night at that wee tiny hotel we passed.
HENRY
"Wee" means "tiny" Danny.
DANNY
Will you stop busting my chops?
SEAMUS
I think we're all a wee bit hangry. (Pulls two kilts from hooks on the wall). Put these on and meet me at the mess tent.
DANNY
I need to charge my phone. Where's the outlet?
SEAMUS
No outlets. No phone. No electricity.
DANNY
How do you cook the food?
SEAMUS
The old fashioned way!
SMASH CUT TO:
Venison, an entire deer's worth, roasting on a spit above a fire pit. Danny stares at it then proceeds to gag. After a few moments he turns away and full on throws up.
SEAMUS
What? You don't fancy venison?
Claudio, who is turning the spit CHUCKLES.
CUT TO:
EXT. CAMPFIRE -NIGHT
Danny and Henry are sitting on stones that are arranged in a ring around the fire. They are alone.
HERNRY
Feeling better?
DANNY
I suppose. I don't know what the hell I ate; but it wasn't too bad. You know they got fellahs here from everywhere! Ladies too! I was talking to this one guy...he's a Maasai warrior. He's "brushing up" on Krav-maga. Says he wants to be a private body guard to the stars! (Indicates kilt) Now why do I have to wear this?
HENRY
Beats me...are you gonna stay the night?
DANNY
This is your gig, Hank. I can make it to that wee hotel in an hour or so...(He looks up to see roughly 30 FIGURES, in a range of ages from 18 to ? carrying torches in one hand, logs in the other, emerging from the dark) What's this now...?
The figures, all in kilts and cloaks, take their places: one at each rock. Claudio is among them. SIRONKA, the previously mentioned Maasai warrior, is there. A MAORI MAN, (QUEEQUEG) with facial tattoos. CHEVAS, a Bolivian woman wearing a bowler hat. And ROB GRONKOWSKI who is playing a trainee named KEVIN. Seamus moves into the circle and stands before Henry and Danny.
SEAMUS
Brothers and sisters! We are here tonight to welcome two more into the circle...
EXT. CAMPFIRE -NIGHT
Danny and Henry are sitting on stones that are arranged in a ring around the fire. They are alone.
HERNRY
Feeling better?
DANNY
I suppose. I don't know what the hell I ate; but it wasn't too bad. You know they got fellahs here from everywhere! Ladies too! I was talking to this one guy...he's a Maasai warrior. He's "brushing up" on Krav-maga. Says he wants to be a private body guard to the stars! (Indicates kilt) Now why do I have to wear this?
HENRY
Beats me...are you gonna stay the night?
DANNY
This is your gig, Hank. I can make it to that wee hotel in an hour or so...(He looks up to see roughly 30 FIGURES, in a range of ages from 18 to ? carrying torches in one hand, logs in the other, emerging from the dark) What's this now...?
The figures, all in kilts and cloaks, take their places: one at each rock. Claudio is among them. SIRONKA, the previously mentioned Maasai warrior, is there. A MAORI MAN, (QUEEQUEG) with facial tattoos. CHEVAS, a Bolivian woman wearing a bowler hat. And ROB GRONKOWSKI who is playing a trainee named KEVIN. Seamus moves into the circle and stands before Henry and Danny.
SEAMUS
Brothers and sisters! We are here tonight to welcome two more into the circle...
Danny shakes his head in startled surprise.
SEAMUS
Henry, please stand with me...(Henry stands and joins Seamus in front of the fire)...and Kevin, please join us...
(Danny breathes a SIGH of relief as Kevin stands and joins the other two men. Seamus removes a pin in the shape of a sword from his kilt).
SEAMUS
This is the symbol of clan O'Farrell, my clan. Our clan. And now you will be one with the clan as well...
Seamus makes a small cut on the underside of his forearm. He nods at Henry, who presents his arm. Seamus cuts it in the same place. Seamus turns to Kevin and Kevin presents his arm. The cut is made. Seamus slaps his hand over Henry's arm, Henry grasps Kevin's and then Kevin, Seamus. The palms of their hands are over the wounds, the three arms forming a triangle.
SEAMUS
Henry, please stand with me...(Henry stands and joins Seamus in front of the fire)...and Kevin, please join us...
(Danny breathes a SIGH of relief as Kevin stands and joins the other two men. Seamus removes a pin in the shape of a sword from his kilt).
SEAMUS
This is the symbol of clan O'Farrell, my clan. Our clan. And now you will be one with the clan as well...
Seamus makes a small cut on the underside of his forearm. He nods at Henry, who presents his arm. Seamus cuts it in the same place. Seamus turns to Kevin and Kevin presents his arm. The cut is made. Seamus slaps his hand over Henry's arm, Henry grasps Kevin's and then Kevin, Seamus. The palms of their hands are over the wounds, the three arms forming a triangle.
SEAMUS
This bond between brothers...this ternion of arms...cannot be broken...you are now and always will be Clan O'Farrell!
(SHOUTS, CALLS, ULULATIONS, ETC. rise from the gathering). And now...we FIGHT!
CHANTING in unison, each person moves, one at a time, from their position. As they pass the fire, each one throws their log and their torch onto it. With each passing fighter, the flames grow higher and higher. Each person moves on to a second circle on the grass, and again, form a ring. Seamus leads Henry and Kevin into the circle.
SEAMUS
Sons of the clan...please remove your shoes and your upper garments...
KEVIN
(In an extremely American accent) What about my skirt? I'm wearing skivvies...(LAUGHTER from the crowd).
SEAMUS
It's a kilt, Kevin. You may leave it on. (Henry and Kevin, strip down to just their kilts). All right, lads. Let's see what you've got. No particular fighting style...just who's first to hold the other down for a count of three.
DANNY
What does he win?
SEAMUS
Oh, nothing...we just want to see a fight.
A Celtic drum starts BEATING and Henry and Kevin move around the circle, sizing one another up. We see surreptitious exchanges of chits in the crowd. People are betting. Kevin is a good two inches taller than Henry; but then Henry is a good six foot two inches. After a couple more circles, Kevin rears up his massive frame and charges at Henry; apparently going for the takedown. Just before he is about to reach Henry; Henry leaps up and throws his legs over Kevin's shoulders, facing forward, in a sitting position. Henry's kilt, of course, blinds Kevin who tumbles backwards on to the ground. Henry turns, grabs Kevin's ankles and yanks his legs out to the side, easily pining him for the count of three. The crowd CHEERS. Henry stands and offers his hand to the stunned Kevin, who doesn't seem to realize what's happened. Kevin staggers off and Seamus grabs Henry's wrist and hoists his arm into the air. Henry, for his part, seems rather dispassionate about it all.
SEAMUS
Let the games begin!
More CHEERS as different fighters start pairing off into groups for some impromptu matches; which seems much more like playing than fighting.
CUT TO:
EXT. -CAMP FIRE -NIGHT
Some time later. People are still grappling; but the crowd has thinned. Seamus, Claudio, Kevin, Henry and Danny are staring into the flames; their faces smeared with dirt and grass-stains.
SEAMUS
So Danny, when are you off to your wee little hotel?
DANNY
Oh, just about now, I should think.
CLAUDIO
Are you sure about that, lad?
DANNY
Of course I'm sure. It's just nine o'clock...
CLAUDIO
You're not worried about the kelpies?
KEVIN
What's a kelpie?
CLAUDIO
You want to tell them Captain? Or should I?
SEAMUS
I'll tell them. A kelpie is a horse...
DANNY
Why would I be worried about a horse?
SEAMUS
A kelpie isn't just any horse Danny. It's a dark horse...
This bond between brothers...this ternion of arms...cannot be broken...you are now and always will be Clan O'Farrell!
(SHOUTS, CALLS, ULULATIONS, ETC. rise from the gathering). And now...we FIGHT!
CHANTING in unison, each person moves, one at a time, from their position. As they pass the fire, each one throws their log and their torch onto it. With each passing fighter, the flames grow higher and higher. Each person moves on to a second circle on the grass, and again, form a ring. Seamus leads Henry and Kevin into the circle.
SEAMUS
Sons of the clan...please remove your shoes and your upper garments...
KEVIN
(In an extremely American accent) What about my skirt? I'm wearing skivvies...(LAUGHTER from the crowd).
SEAMUS
It's a kilt, Kevin. You may leave it on. (Henry and Kevin, strip down to just their kilts). All right, lads. Let's see what you've got. No particular fighting style...just who's first to hold the other down for a count of three.
DANNY
What does he win?
SEAMUS
Oh, nothing...we just want to see a fight.
A Celtic drum starts BEATING and Henry and Kevin move around the circle, sizing one another up. We see surreptitious exchanges of chits in the crowd. People are betting. Kevin is a good two inches taller than Henry; but then Henry is a good six foot two inches. After a couple more circles, Kevin rears up his massive frame and charges at Henry; apparently going for the takedown. Just before he is about to reach Henry; Henry leaps up and throws his legs over Kevin's shoulders, facing forward, in a sitting position. Henry's kilt, of course, blinds Kevin who tumbles backwards on to the ground. Henry turns, grabs Kevin's ankles and yanks his legs out to the side, easily pining him for the count of three. The crowd CHEERS. Henry stands and offers his hand to the stunned Kevin, who doesn't seem to realize what's happened. Kevin staggers off and Seamus grabs Henry's wrist and hoists his arm into the air. Henry, for his part, seems rather dispassionate about it all.
SEAMUS
Let the games begin!
More CHEERS as different fighters start pairing off into groups for some impromptu matches; which seems much more like playing than fighting.
CUT TO:
EXT. -CAMP FIRE -NIGHT
Some time later. People are still grappling; but the crowd has thinned. Seamus, Claudio, Kevin, Henry and Danny are staring into the flames; their faces smeared with dirt and grass-stains.
SEAMUS
So Danny, when are you off to your wee little hotel?
DANNY
Oh, just about now, I should think.
CLAUDIO
Are you sure about that, lad?
DANNY
Of course I'm sure. It's just nine o'clock...
CLAUDIO
You're not worried about the kelpies?
KEVIN
What's a kelpie?
CLAUDIO
You want to tell them Captain? Or should I?
SEAMUS
I'll tell them. A kelpie is a horse...
DANNY
Why would I be worried about a horse?
SEAMUS
A kelpie isn't just any horse Danny. It's a dark horse...
KEVIN
You mean it's a black horse?
SEAMUS
It can be black...but it can be grey sometimes, or even white. The kelpie, you see, comes from the loch...or a river; both of which are on the path back to your wee tiny hotel Danny. Travelers come across the kelpie at night. It can be in bright moonlight or the pitch of black. It will raise its head to you...gently graze its hoof against the ground, beckoning you. You'll be drawn to it. You won't know why; but you will. It's too late you've noticed that it's hooves are facing the wrong way and that it's tail has fish-scales; because you've already climbed on to it's back. It takes to the night sky and it doesn't turn back. Neither can you because you'll find you're stuck to the devil...like glue. You can't dismount. And that's when the kelpie screams its blood freezing whinny that shatters the sky like glass as it plunges back into the loch...where you too scream and when you do your lungs fill with water and you meet your ignominious end. If you're lucky...they might find your entrails on the banks...because it's eaten the rest of you.
There is suddenly utter silence as everyone ponders this.
DANNY
That's just fooking creepy.
KEVIN
(To Henry) You're not wearing skivvies, are you?
CUT TO:
INT. TENT -NIGHT
Danny, in the top bunk, pulls the blanket up to his chin. Henry is in the bunk below him.
HENRY
Good night Danny.
DANNY
Good night Hank.
There is silence for a few moments and then Henry starts slapping his thighs, creating the sound of HOOF BEATS.
DANNY
Stop!
Henry WHINNIES and SNORTS.
DANNY
That's not funny!
FADE OUT...
HERE COMES THE...TRAINING MONTAGE!
We see a blank screen: a black void. An out of focus image begins to appear and the soundtrack is muffled. When the image comes into focus after a moment, we can see that it's a close-up of the surface of the skin of a drum. A hand holding a cipin begins to move over the bodhran's surface and we can now clearly hear the DRUMBEATS. The camera pulls out and we see that the player of the drum is Paddy, whose marked proficiency with the instrument is clear. Ick, grinning ear to ear, is watching Paddy play; as well as Sean and Cal.
ICK
You're a natural Paddy! You play that thing like you were born with it!
CAL
Is there nothing you can't do Paddy?
PADDY
Fly, apparently.
ICK
You're getting there man! Ever since you picked up that drum...
SEAN
...Now, if you could fly and play the drum at the same time...that'd be something.
Sean winks at Ick. The scene we're watching contracts to a square: a screen within the screen. A black grid of squares and rectangles of various sizes appears and we see different scenes playing out in each. Sometimes the same scene, sometimes different scenes. Sometimes the action is happening at the Duntulm training camp; other times at the Lani-Batali headquarters. Sometimes both. A plane of action can take up the entire screen, particularly if there is dialogue.
The music over this montage, unlike "Kick of Destiny"s cheesy pop-song, will not be...well...a cheesy pop song. My mind is showing it to me with classic Celtic music (think The Chieftains); but that's become something of a cliche now as well. Maybe a classic rock tune? Something from Heart maybe? "Barracuda"? "Crazy on You"? "Magic Man"? Oh wait...Heart! Why did Heart just come to mind? Heartfight perhaps? I guess it's gotta be Heart now...
You mean it's a black horse?
SEAMUS
It can be black...but it can be grey sometimes, or even white. The kelpie, you see, comes from the loch...or a river; both of which are on the path back to your wee tiny hotel Danny. Travelers come across the kelpie at night. It can be in bright moonlight or the pitch of black. It will raise its head to you...gently graze its hoof against the ground, beckoning you. You'll be drawn to it. You won't know why; but you will. It's too late you've noticed that it's hooves are facing the wrong way and that it's tail has fish-scales; because you've already climbed on to it's back. It takes to the night sky and it doesn't turn back. Neither can you because you'll find you're stuck to the devil...like glue. You can't dismount. And that's when the kelpie screams its blood freezing whinny that shatters the sky like glass as it plunges back into the loch...where you too scream and when you do your lungs fill with water and you meet your ignominious end. If you're lucky...they might find your entrails on the banks...because it's eaten the rest of you.
There is suddenly utter silence as everyone ponders this.
DANNY
That's just fooking creepy.
KEVIN
(To Henry) You're not wearing skivvies, are you?
CUT TO:
INT. TENT -NIGHT
Danny, in the top bunk, pulls the blanket up to his chin. Henry is in the bunk below him.
HENRY
Good night Danny.
DANNY
Good night Hank.
There is silence for a few moments and then Henry starts slapping his thighs, creating the sound of HOOF BEATS.
DANNY
Stop!
Henry WHINNIES and SNORTS.
DANNY
That's not funny!
FADE OUT...
HERE COMES THE...TRAINING MONTAGE!
We see a blank screen: a black void. An out of focus image begins to appear and the soundtrack is muffled. When the image comes into focus after a moment, we can see that it's a close-up of the surface of the skin of a drum. A hand holding a cipin begins to move over the bodhran's surface and we can now clearly hear the DRUMBEATS. The camera pulls out and we see that the player of the drum is Paddy, whose marked proficiency with the instrument is clear. Ick, grinning ear to ear, is watching Paddy play; as well as Sean and Cal.
ICK
You're a natural Paddy! You play that thing like you were born with it!
CAL
Is there nothing you can't do Paddy?
PADDY
Fly, apparently.
ICK
You're getting there man! Ever since you picked up that drum...
SEAN
...Now, if you could fly and play the drum at the same time...that'd be something.
Sean winks at Ick. The scene we're watching contracts to a square: a screen within the screen. A black grid of squares and rectangles of various sizes appears and we see different scenes playing out in each. Sometimes the same scene, sometimes different scenes. Sometimes the action is happening at the Duntulm training camp; other times at the Lani-Batali headquarters. Sometimes both. A plane of action can take up the entire screen, particularly if there is dialogue.
The music over this montage, unlike "Kick of Destiny"s cheesy pop-song, will not be...well...a cheesy pop song. My mind is showing it to me with classic Celtic music (think The Chieftains); but that's become something of a cliche now as well. Maybe a classic rock tune? Something from Heart maybe? "Barracuda"? "Crazy on You"? "Magic Man"? Oh wait...Heart! Why did Heart just come to mind? Heartfight perhaps? I guess it's gotta be Heart now...
A rectangle comes forward, filling the screen. Roddy is standing on the training ground in front of Paddy and a half-dozen other Lani-Batali fighters. Roddy, in a designer track suit, is holding a staff which is about six feet long. On one end is a knob, about the size of a softball, covered in padded leather. At the other end is a paddle, roughly the size of one on a canoe oar, also covered in padded leather. Roddy displays the staff.
RODDY
Gentlemen, this is the Tao-Stick, a device you are going to come to know well. Intimately. On this end, we have the tenilo (he indicates the knob); and on the other end, meet the remeti (he flips the staff to the paddle end). You'll soon be asking yourselves which of the two is the worse...or the greater...depending on your viewpoint. Now, I designed this gentlemen; but that doesn't mean I know how to use it. Let's meet someone who does...
A large POLYNESIAN GENTLEMAN, MAKANI, 30'S, steps forward and takes the staff. Roddy steps back and Makani starts spinning the Tao-stick...
The rectangle recedes and some squares come forward:
Inside the squares we see:
EXT. SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS -DAY
Henry is on one end of a log. The log is on the loch. On the other end of the log is CHEVAS, 30's. She is a Bolivian "Cholita" (lady wrestler). She is wearing a kilt, a bowler hat and a jogging bra. Henry, also in a kilt, is barefoot, as is Chevas. They are in the process of "birling" or log rolling. Henry seems a little unsure of himself. Seamus is on the shore with a megaphone. Next to him, Claudio is looking at a stopwatch.
SEAMUS
Engage your core Henry!
HENRY
My what?
Chevas speeds up her footwork and launches Henry into the water.
SEAMUS
Time.
CLAUDIO
Fifteen seconds.
HENRY
Better than fourteen.
CHEVAS
(To Henry) Estas todo lavado! (LAUGHS).
The squares move across the screen and reform, then split into two rectangles. In one rectangle we see Paddy doing bench presses, with Cal spotting him. In the other we see Henry on the grass, doing curls...with rocks.
RODDY
Gentlemen, this is the Tao-Stick, a device you are going to come to know well. Intimately. On this end, we have the tenilo (he indicates the knob); and on the other end, meet the remeti (he flips the staff to the paddle end). You'll soon be asking yourselves which of the two is the worse...or the greater...depending on your viewpoint. Now, I designed this gentlemen; but that doesn't mean I know how to use it. Let's meet someone who does...
A large POLYNESIAN GENTLEMAN, MAKANI, 30'S, steps forward and takes the staff. Roddy steps back and Makani starts spinning the Tao-stick...
The rectangle recedes and some squares come forward:
Inside the squares we see:
EXT. SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS -DAY
Henry is on one end of a log. The log is on the loch. On the other end of the log is CHEVAS, 30's. She is a Bolivian "Cholita" (lady wrestler). She is wearing a kilt, a bowler hat and a jogging bra. Henry, also in a kilt, is barefoot, as is Chevas. They are in the process of "birling" or log rolling. Henry seems a little unsure of himself. Seamus is on the shore with a megaphone. Next to him, Claudio is looking at a stopwatch.
SEAMUS
Engage your core Henry!
HENRY
My what?
Chevas speeds up her footwork and launches Henry into the water.
SEAMUS
Time.
CLAUDIO
Fifteen seconds.
HENRY
Better than fourteen.
CHEVAS
(To Henry) Estas todo lavado! (LAUGHS).
The squares move across the screen and reform, then split into two rectangles. In one rectangle we see Paddy doing bench presses, with Cal spotting him. In the other we see Henry on the grass, doing curls...with rocks.
The grid of images continues to shift. In one we see Queequeg demonstrating the Maori haka dance. In another we see Henry, Chevas, Queequeg, and other trainees running barefoot up the hill towards the castle. From out of nowhere, Sironka comes from behind and overtakes everyone. He retrieves a bouquet of heather from atop a boulder and waves his arms in triumph. When the others start reaching the boulder, he LAUGHS as he showers them with the flowers.
We see Paddy in the wind chamber, now wearing an outfit that has sensors on it, wielding the Tao stick. His opponent, Makani, jabs Paddy in the chest with the tenilo. A BUZZER sounds and a scoreboard registers 10 points. We hear Roddy on Paddy's headset:
RODDY
You just lost the round mate...
PADDY
I'm aware, Roddy.
Roddy turns to Cal.
RODDY
We've got to give him a real feel for it. We're gonna throw him out of an airplane.
In Scotland: caber tossing, rock throwing, greased pole climbing. We see Queequeg doing his haka dance as the camera pulls back to show us others, including Henry, doing it as well. The scene changes. Henry is practicing Scottish Backhold wrestling with Kevin. At one point Kevin hurls Henry to the grass and exacts a little revenge by sitting on Henry's face.
KEVIN
Guess what Hank; I'm not wearing skivvies.
HANK
(From beneath Kevin's kilt) I'm aware Kev...
In another square we see Henry, resting on his bed in the tent. Claudio enters and approaches Henry and places a set of uilleann pipes on his chest.
CLAUDIO
The Captain wants you to play these. Thinks it will enhance your breath control.
HENRY
Well, I played clarinet in the high school band. Poorly, I might add.
CLAUDIO
The Captain will help you when he gets back. In the meantime, Ozan could give you some pointers. He's quite proficient.
HENRY
The Turkish guy? He barely speaks any English.
CLAUDIO
I'm just the captain's messenger.
HENRY
Where is he, anyways?
CLAUDIO
On a pilgrimage.
HENRY
A pilgrimage to where?
CLAUDIO
Saville Row. He's doing the Graham Norton show tomorrow night.
Claudio leaves and Henry sits up. He bemusedly tries to figure out the instrument.
We see Paddy in the wind chamber, now wearing an outfit that has sensors on it, wielding the Tao stick. His opponent, Makani, jabs Paddy in the chest with the tenilo. A BUZZER sounds and a scoreboard registers 10 points. We hear Roddy on Paddy's headset:
RODDY
You just lost the round mate...
PADDY
I'm aware, Roddy.
Roddy turns to Cal.
RODDY
We've got to give him a real feel for it. We're gonna throw him out of an airplane.
In Scotland: caber tossing, rock throwing, greased pole climbing. We see Queequeg doing his haka dance as the camera pulls back to show us others, including Henry, doing it as well. The scene changes. Henry is practicing Scottish Backhold wrestling with Kevin. At one point Kevin hurls Henry to the grass and exacts a little revenge by sitting on Henry's face.
KEVIN
Guess what Hank; I'm not wearing skivvies.
HANK
(From beneath Kevin's kilt) I'm aware Kev...
In another square we see Henry, resting on his bed in the tent. Claudio enters and approaches Henry and places a set of uilleann pipes on his chest.
CLAUDIO
The Captain wants you to play these. Thinks it will enhance your breath control.
HENRY
Well, I played clarinet in the high school band. Poorly, I might add.
CLAUDIO
The Captain will help you when he gets back. In the meantime, Ozan could give you some pointers. He's quite proficient.
HENRY
The Turkish guy? He barely speaks any English.
CLAUDIO
I'm just the captain's messenger.
HENRY
Where is he, anyways?
CLAUDIO
On a pilgrimage.
HENRY
A pilgrimage to where?
CLAUDIO
Saville Row. He's doing the Graham Norton show tomorrow night.
Claudio leaves and Henry sits up. He bemusedly tries to figure out the instrument.
More parallelograms, more scenes:
Paddy going at training dummy with the Tao stick. He spins it. Thrusts and jabs. He jabs it so hard he knocks it over. He looks sheepishly at Cal.
CAL
That was an eleven Paddy. You're gonna need to dial that back to about a six...
As the MONTAGE concludes; we see a split screen. On the right, a Twin Otter is soaring over England. We can see the green patchwork of the terrain. Inside the plane, suited up for a skydive, are Paddy, Roddy, Ick, Sean, Cal and several employees of the skydiving company.
ICK
(To Paddy) Are you excited?
PADDY
I think I pissed myself.
ICK
(LAUGHS) No worries Paddy. I've got you covered, literally.
And with that, he puts Paddy in front of him and buckles himself to Paddy for a tandem jump. Roddy pairs with Sean and Cal with Kelly O'Kelly, who is along for the ride. The instructor, TASHA MORGAN, is in charge of the jump.
TASHA
All right everyone. Final safety check and we're go!
She begins checking the rigs.
CAL
(To Kelly)
Are you sure you've done this before?
KELLY
I'm fully licensed Cal. I won't lose you!
On the left side of the screen we see a Skyvan threading the sky over the Scottish highlands. On that plane is Henry and Kevin and Seamus and Claudio and several INSTRUCTORS. INSTRUCTOR #1 is checking the hooks on Seamus' tandem rig. He's connected to Henry. Claudio is behind Kevin.
KEVIN
I'm not sure about this. Can I change my mind?
SEAMUS
Your mind? This is going to change your life, laddie! Are you ready Henry.
Henry nods.
The instructor gives a thumbs up and launches Seamus and Henry from the back of the Skyvan. Claudio and Kevin quickly follow.
KEVIN
AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
On either side of the screen we watch the divers in free-fall. As the camera closes on the faces of Henry and Paddy, it's as though they're diving together. The usually stoic Henry is grinning like a fool. The usually happy-go-lucky Paddy seems as though he's staring down death.
ICK
Relax Paddy. I've got you...
When the parachutes are opened, the one on the right side of the screen is the Union Jack. On the left is the white cross of St. Andrew on the field of blue. The sides of the screen retract into squares as the screen goes black.
FADE UP:
INT. GRAN'S KITCHEN -DAY
Donna is sitting at the kitchen table. Opposite her is Gran who pours some tea for them. A smart phone, on speaker, is in the middle of the table.
DONNA
I don't understand why I can't talk to him Danny.
CUT TO:
INT. APARTMENT IN LONDON -NIGHT
Danny is sitting in a very sparsely furnished, slightly run down room. He walks around inspecting things as he talks.
DANNY
He doesn't have a phone up there Donna. How many times do I have to tell you that? Besides, the training is wrapping up in a couple of days and then he'll be in London with me.
DONNA
I thought you were in Scotland.
DANNY
Roddy Shannon is based here and I'm this close to getting him to sign Hank. Then he'll have to train to learn this Lani-Batali stuff.
DONNA
That is the stupidest name I've ever heard for a sport.
DANNY
How about Pickled balls? (Donna GIGGLES on the other end of the phone) Made ya laugh! I will have him call you the second I see him.
DONNA
Thank you Danny.
DANNY
(V/O) You're welcome. Bye Gran--
GRAN
G'bye love.
Donna clicks the phone off.
DONNA
Wanna go to London?
Paddy going at training dummy with the Tao stick. He spins it. Thrusts and jabs. He jabs it so hard he knocks it over. He looks sheepishly at Cal.
CAL
That was an eleven Paddy. You're gonna need to dial that back to about a six...
As the MONTAGE concludes; we see a split screen. On the right, a Twin Otter is soaring over England. We can see the green patchwork of the terrain. Inside the plane, suited up for a skydive, are Paddy, Roddy, Ick, Sean, Cal and several employees of the skydiving company.
ICK
(To Paddy) Are you excited?
PADDY
I think I pissed myself.
ICK
(LAUGHS) No worries Paddy. I've got you covered, literally.
And with that, he puts Paddy in front of him and buckles himself to Paddy for a tandem jump. Roddy pairs with Sean and Cal with Kelly O'Kelly, who is along for the ride. The instructor, TASHA MORGAN, is in charge of the jump.
TASHA
All right everyone. Final safety check and we're go!
She begins checking the rigs.
CAL
(To Kelly)
Are you sure you've done this before?
KELLY
I'm fully licensed Cal. I won't lose you!
On the left side of the screen we see a Skyvan threading the sky over the Scottish highlands. On that plane is Henry and Kevin and Seamus and Claudio and several INSTRUCTORS. INSTRUCTOR #1 is checking the hooks on Seamus' tandem rig. He's connected to Henry. Claudio is behind Kevin.
KEVIN
I'm not sure about this. Can I change my mind?
SEAMUS
Your mind? This is going to change your life, laddie! Are you ready Henry.
Henry nods.
The instructor gives a thumbs up and launches Seamus and Henry from the back of the Skyvan. Claudio and Kevin quickly follow.
KEVIN
AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
On either side of the screen we watch the divers in free-fall. As the camera closes on the faces of Henry and Paddy, it's as though they're diving together. The usually stoic Henry is grinning like a fool. The usually happy-go-lucky Paddy seems as though he's staring down death.
ICK
Relax Paddy. I've got you...
When the parachutes are opened, the one on the right side of the screen is the Union Jack. On the left is the white cross of St. Andrew on the field of blue. The sides of the screen retract into squares as the screen goes black.
FADE UP:
INT. GRAN'S KITCHEN -DAY
Donna is sitting at the kitchen table. Opposite her is Gran who pours some tea for them. A smart phone, on speaker, is in the middle of the table.
DONNA
I don't understand why I can't talk to him Danny.
CUT TO:
INT. APARTMENT IN LONDON -NIGHT
Danny is sitting in a very sparsely furnished, slightly run down room. He walks around inspecting things as he talks.
DANNY
He doesn't have a phone up there Donna. How many times do I have to tell you that? Besides, the training is wrapping up in a couple of days and then he'll be in London with me.
DONNA
I thought you were in Scotland.
DANNY
Roddy Shannon is based here and I'm this close to getting him to sign Hank. Then he'll have to train to learn this Lani-Batali stuff.
DONNA
That is the stupidest name I've ever heard for a sport.
DANNY
How about Pickled balls? (Donna GIGGLES on the other end of the phone) Made ya laugh! I will have him call you the second I see him.
DONNA
Thank you Danny.
DANNY
(V/O) You're welcome. Bye Gran--
GRAN
G'bye love.
Donna clicks the phone off.
DONNA
Wanna go to London?
Please see HEARTFIGHT PT. 4 for the next installment.
CFR 4/14/23
CFR 4/14/23
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