Matt-A-Blog Part 5: Zaddy Pinskimbo!

Well, if you're still here Matt...or anyone, actually...let's continue our examination of all things Matthew Paige Damon.  Oh, I decided to add an "s" to "pinkimbo"; so now it's "pinskimbo."  I think this gives it more ways now to pronounce it.  Or mispronounce it.  Hal has informed me that you speak Spanish.  I did  not know this.  I speak Spanish too!  Or, perhaps I shoud say, I try.  I had some trouble deciphering that passage from GQ Spain, but Hal tells me it says: "The Young Golden actor who became on of the biggest icons of Hollywood is still surprising us."  And I love this photo because not only are you pinskimbo, you're barefoot and sitting on green velvet furniture again!  Do we share this passion? Muerdes de terciopelo verde.  I would love to know what you think of my Spanish pronounciation (you can leave comments below!).

Don't worry...we're almost done.
Or are we?

Matt, what are your thoughts on sharks?  I kind of feel bad for them.  They get harassed; not just by the idiots hunting them for their fins to make soup; but the public in general.  It's like, sharks need to eat too.  They need to do their job, just like everyone else.  Can they help it if they're so bad-ass?  Why are we so obsessed with sharks?  I mean, they do look super cool.  And they are pretty bad-ass.  But maybe we're just projecting onto them.  I mean, I would think the odds of being killed by another human (who should know better) are waaaaaay higher than being killed by a shark.  Or even like, grazed by a shark.  I mean what are the odds?  Let's ask Hal.  Or, should I say "Sim"?  I like Sim better (it stands for Super-Intelligence-Manifold, from our space opera flick, 'memba?).  So, Sim says that the chances of being attacked/killed by a shark are 1 in 3.75 million.  So, you're more likely to be struck by lightning than killed by a shark.  That being said; the popularity of sharks in the world of entertainment seems only to be growing.  So how can we get you in on the whole "Shark Thing"?  Well, let's brainstorm.  So far we've had regular old sharks.  Super-intelligent sharks.  Pre-historice sharks--
​Time for a Jason Statham break!

I really think you and Jason should do a collab.  Oh, asterisk reminder!  I asterisked an X earlier in one of these blogs.  My question is this: how am I supposed to now interpret this letter?  For example.  The title of the movie Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire.  How are we supposed to verbally express this?  Like, "Godzilla (Times) Kong"?  You're the math whiz; so I'll put it to you.  Are they (and they being the marketing team at Warner Bros.) asking us to multiply Godzilla by King Kong?  How would that even be possible?  I mean, like, are they implying that Godzilla and King Kong should mate?  I mean, they are apparently both capable of producing off-spring.  Godzilla had a "son" back in the day; and I'm pretty sure King Kong has a kid in the latest movie.  I didn't see it, but I did see the trailer several times, which featured an adorable Baby Kong.  How did King Kong have a baby?  How did Godzilla have a baby for that matter?  I want answers Matt!

Do you remember Creature Double Feature on Channel 56 back in the day?  They used to play all those cheezy Japanese monster movies.  

So many great memories from the numerous afternoons spent laying on the sofa, absorbing this stuff.  Who could forget this?

But let's get back on track.
So, Shark Projects.  Yes, we've certainly run the gamut of shark scenarios.  Why did we never get a Land Shark movie from the SNL factory?

Probably because you couldn't really sustain that idea beyond a sketch?  But how about this angle: THE SUPERNATURAL.  This time, our shark is a spirit of some kind, from beyond.  There are lots of legends about sharks as demons and gods and so on.  Or, if instead of the supernatural we went with something like, Big Foot.  Except it's a race of shark people whose territory is being encroached upon.  You know, the cryptozoology angle.  You would play an Interpol special agent, based on Ibiza or some other island.  Matt, you would play Detective Alonzo "Al" Tiburon, who grew up in the Balearic Islands.  Your family has a mysterious history; and when a rash of bizarre murders that bear a striking resemblance to shark attacks, that occur on land; it's up to you and your skeptical, irrascible, rumpled yet golden-hearted former partner (you have to drag him out of retirement) to solve the cases.  This could be a stand alone movie or a high-end "limited series."  Your partner would be played by Jason Statham (collab!).  And he's playing a Frenchman.  Yes.  Because I want to challenge Jason to something other than what he's been doing in every single movie he's ever made.  Not only is he French and all those other things; he's a former night-club performer, with a joie de vivre he tries to hide but simply can't when he has champagne or sees a plate of fromage.  Or an attractive person of any sex.  He's polyamorous. Also, pansexual.  I mean, why not?  His character is Agent Special Pierre Dauphin.  Your character is deaf and navigates the world via sonar.  Why not?  You were subjected to mysterious experiments as a child; by your father, who was kind of a dark Jacques Cousteau type.  You met Pierre in boarding school in Switzerland, which will afford all kinds of flashback stuff.  The show is called TIBURON, natch.

How'd Mahky-Mahk get in there?

We've just got a few more things to go over and then I'll let you go.  First, let's talk donuts!  So, it seems Ben has dragged you into the world of donuts.  Particularly Dunkin' Donuts, a Massachusetts brand which has gone, geez, I guess it's probably global now.  I mean, I've lived in the Roanoke area for a long time and there were no Dunkins.  There apparently was one, a long time ago, because I could recognize the architecture of the building, which had been repurposed.  And also, make out the faded ghost sign of the original sign, which had been removed.  I will readily admit I LOVE Dunkins coffee.  It's the best coffee out there.  Period.  I know it.  Ben knows it.  J-Lo knows it.  Chris Hemsworth knows it. Harvey Sid Fisher knows it and I'm guessing you know it.  So I was bummed that we didn't have any.  Then, about three or so years ago, all of a sudden, like a half dozen of them went up over night.  Even in Vinton, the town I reside in.  My husband loves their food-stuffs.  Southerners in general love breakast food.  The carbier, the gravier, the porkier, the hammier, the baconier the better!  However, finding healthy food on their menu is next to impossible.  Which brings us to the Dunkin Skewer; a drink that features integrated donut pieces.  I don't have to explain it to you Matt, because we all saw you try one on national TV, at the behest of your best friend.

You tried it but it was hard to tell if you liked it from your reaction.  But, you did endorse it.  And with that endorsement comes a responsibility.  What is the nutrition information on this "drink" and the other items from the Dunkings menu?  I think it behooves you Matt to disclose this.  But how about endorsing Dunkins "healthy" menu?  I mean, there sort of is one...

Perhaps you and Ben could put your heads together and collab with Dunkin's and come up with more items for the "healthy" offerings.  For example: The Big Ben LTL.  That's like a BLT, except you replace the lettuce with more lettuce!  Matt's Flatt Wraps.  This a line of panini like sandwiches filled with healthy choices like kale and turkey and egg whites and stuff like that.  Of course, you would brainstorm with the finest chefs to come up with the menu.  Otherwise, if you're going to "introduce" stuff like the Dunkin Skewer, you might as well go all in and do some Dunkin' branded smokes.

Now here's a ground floor opportunity.  Two words: KANE'S DONUTS.  Kane's is a donut brand that started in my hometown of Saugus.  Speaking of cigarettes; back in the day, their donuts actually tasted like cigarettes because they allowed smoking in their small dining room.  I can remember going in there on Sundays after mass at Blessed Sacrament to get a dozen "dones" for the fam and getting lost finding the counter due to the thick fog of Pall Mall, Chesterfield and Marlboro Red smog.  But people swore by them.  

They've started to expand in the past couple of years, opening a downtown Boston location and a second Saugus location (right by the Big Orange Dinosaur!).  I'm telling you, they're going to be BIG!  It's a hot tip boys!
So, I'm going to wrap this installment up now and I promise, the next will be the last.
Ciao.
Chris

​CFR   5/12/24