Mattie, Are You a Zaddy? Part 2

I want to get something out of the way Matt.  I want to clear the air.  And before we move on to more of the ridiculousness; let's just get the puzzling, negative vibes dispensed with.  I mean, I'm not trying to dredge up shit from the past.  I'm not trying to muckrake. I'm not trying to retroactively "cancel."  And could we please just cancel cancelling?  I mean, seriously.  Please.  As The Big Kahuna In the Sky says: "Let he/she/them that is without SIN cast the first stone..." Or, the one about people who live in glass houses, shouldn't rinse their eyes with Windex (with Ammonia "D"!)  See, I'm getting off track already.  So, WTF, let's listen to a track from Billy Joel's Glass Houses and then meet back here in fifteen minutes or so...

So, Hal keeps slipping these articles under my nose that concern you and the LGTB--Queer--what...world?  Strata?  Community? Demi-monde?  'Frinstance, the one where you and Ben wrote a graphic gay scene between "two male leads" in one of the early drafts of Good Will Hunting; betwixt "two of the professor characters."  Now, I couldn't find any article about this that specifically named the characters; but I think it's pretty safe to assume it's "Prof. Gerald Lambeau" and his assistant "Tom," who has no last name in the original or title.  The article, which I assume is paraphrasing you and Ben, Matt; goes on to say you did this in order to make sure that studio execs were actually reading your rewrites.  I have to say, I find this a bit of a stretch.  Really?  Would you really have done that at that point in your careers?  Cavalierly putting provocative material in your script that might jeopardize your project?  I'm thinking, no.  And yet, you're quoted as saying you did this; so why would you make that up?  I just find this somewhat confusing.  And then, if you really had no intention of those characters being gay; how did the story end up with so much homoerotic subtext anyway?  And an openly gay director at the helm?  Which is great and all; but how did that happen?  I find it interesting that I quite immediately made "Tom" a gay character in my fan-fic sequel.  I guess "Tom" was giving off that queer vibe after all.  All the way to the final product.  He was played by an actor named John Mighton (and I've supplied "Tom" with the last name "Alderdice").
Later on, you played Scott Thorson in Behind the Candelabra.  That was a pretty darn gay role, I must say.  Honestly, I was a little surprised you signed on for it.  Not only you; but Michael Douglas!  Before we move on, let's hear what Macho Chris has to say about Michael (you might want to fast forward to the 4.15 mark...):

In 2014 or so you said something about actors shouldn't "come out" or whatever or talk about their sexuality because they therefore can't retain mystery about themselves and that it's an actor's job to retain their personal "mystery" so it doesn't leak into...what...their performance?  The Public's perception of them?  That was like ten years ago; which, all things considered, isn't that long ago.  You said these comments were misconstrued and misrepresented and then went on Ellen to apologize for them.  Going on talk shows and apologizing for not-particularly-well-thought-out-comments was par for the course then.  And the actual course now.  But looking back, do you think maybe you should apologize for apologizing on Ellen?  I guess it will be her turn to get out of the dog-house soon.  Everybody gets out at some point, except, apparently, Cosmo Kramer. And Kevin Spacey. Oh, and Armie Hammer, everyone's favorite "cannibal."
It's interesting to me that you did Candelabra before you made the comments.  But this kind of begs a question (and perhaps your feelings on this subject have changed): did you ever conceal your own sexuality?  I mean, I think most of the world is pretty aware that you're married to a woman and have several children; which I would think, subsequently, most of the world makes the assumption that you're "straight."  Did you ever feel you had to conceal this aspect of your life?  To me, it's kind of like hiding your face.  How can you hide it?  Why should you hide it?  Well, I think the implied "why" is that it's wrong to be gay.  Matt, I'm not watching one of your movies and thinking about you making love; unless you're making love on screen.  Convince me of that.  And convince me you did, in Behind the Candelabra.  I have to say I loved that movie.  My best friend's mom used to subscribe to The Enquirererrer.  They were obsessed with Liberace and Scott at that rag.  It was in those articles that we learned of their pet nick-names for one another: "Libby," for Liberace and "Boober" for Scott.   This struck us as hilarious.  But what I most liked about Behind the Candelabra was that it made those people seem human.  It was funny; yes.  Qutie scathingly so.  But they seemed like real people to me.  So, thanks for that.  And speaking of Project Green Light (which I also never watched); did a project ever get greenlit?  And released?  I'll have to look that up.

See, but then Hal slid another little memo under my nose that was a little more recent.  This time it was numerous articles from 2021 about how your daughter got you to stop using the term "faggot."  When you suggested cutting it down to just "fag"; apparently she wrote you a plea in the form of an eloquent letter to not use any form of it and why it was wrong.  Your lame defense of using it at all (and yes, why were you using it up until 2021 (in it's long form yet?) was that it was common when you were a kid.  And it was.  Particularly in the Boston area in the 70's and 80's, when we were both "kids."  You said it had a different meaning then.  But did it?  I can recall quite vividly being on the receiving end of that word in numerous forms and not taking it for much else than what it was.  A verbal rock, usually coming from the sling-shot of a jock aimed squarely at the soul.  Did anyone ever call you a faggot or a fag or faggy because you wanted to be an actor when you were in high school?  I'm thinking no.  So, maybe you need to publish that letter from your daughter some place and if you feel the need to apologize again; why don't you wait until it feels sincere.  Particularly for yourself.
Speaking of Hal 9000!
You've played several astronauts at this point.  Some nice.  Some not so nice (although I think a lot of us have wanted to push Anne Hathaway off of a cliff in outer-space more than once!  Just kidding; we love Anne.  I think you and Anne and Jake Gyllenhaalll should get together and do a sequel to Love and Other Drugs.  We could call it (I'll be taking a writing credit, thank you.  $250,000.000, please)* Drugs and Other Love.  Oh, it's a thrilling tale of mature adult love.  It's a May/December type thing.  Or maybe an August/September/September type thing?

It's definitely a "Devil's Triangle" type thing; and if Challengers has taught us anything, it's that modern audiences are ripe and ready for Boy on Girl on Boy action!  But are they ready for Middle-Aged-Man-On-Woman-On-Man action?  So, in the sequel, Jake and Anne reprise their roles as "Jamie Randall" and "Maggie Murdock."  Seeking to put a little spice back into their marriage, they proposition an Electro-Lux Vacuum Cleaner salesman (played by you Matt!) for a full, top to bottom carpet cleaning.  Love, Laffs and Life Lessons ensue.  And maybe you'll shed a tear or two (particularly during the controversial "beater-bar" scene!).  That actually happened to me in real life.  The part about the Electro-Lux salesman (it's a long story; but not as exciting as you might imagine).
But back to astronauts.  Did you know that Arthur C. Clarke, author of 2001: A Space Odyssey was gay?  Well, he was.  And when I watch that movie now, I can't help but see it as a kind of gay Fatal Attraction (Michael Douglas again!).  I mean, Hal was constantly watching his male co-workers, particular Frank Poole, strutting around the ship in short-shorts:

MOVIE IDEA!
It's a thriller, set in outer space (which we already know you love!).  It's kind of like ...And Then There Were None ("X")*/Alien/divided by Fatal Attraction by way of 2001/Fold in Eyes Wide Shut (but in this case it would be one eye, as Hal only has one). Oh, and let's toss in Gravity and get Sandy Bullock onboard. And how about George Clooney, too?Why not?
​So, you play the pilot of the Spaceship "Gemini."  Your character's name is Captain David "Dave" Stanley.  Your commanding officer is Col. Gordon "Gordo" Keller (played by Michael Douglas) and Lt. Col. Alex Forrest, who will here be essayed by the ever amazing Glenn Close (fun fact: Zero degrees of Reidyation!  She was standing, waiting for a golf cart ride to her car after the Sunset Blvd. party at Paramount.  She was right next to me!).  Your co-pilot will be played by, well, how about Ben Affleck?  He will play Captain Chuck "Chuckie" Flowers(!).  You and he can finally have that love scene that, really, we ALL want, right?  Jennifer Lopez will play his lady love; Major Victoria "Vicky" Krumholtz. You may have guessed we're going for that Challengers vibe with this story thread. The computer (the Hal 9000 character) will be voiced by...?  How about Kevin Spacey?  Works for me.  The computer's name is SIM ("Superior Intelligence Manifold").  Guess what Matt?  Sim is about to achieve that thing, what is it, when computers and humans are supposed to merge?  Well, whatever it is; he wants to do it with you.  Kind of like in that movie Demon Seed(!).
So, Sim sets about getting you alone in outer space, as a series of grisly accidents begin to befall your co-workers.  For example, Robert Downey Jr. (he plays "Commissioner Julian Ian") gets decompressed in an airlock.  Or compressed. Denzel Washington gets Sputniked (don't ask; and it isn't pretty!). Lucy Liu gets cratered, literally. And so on.  The deaths will be highly creative and mostly happen off-screen.  Eventually, it's down to you and J-Lo to save the day, before Sim makes you his boy-toy. Man-toy? Man-Boy-Toy?
​The tagline?  Love Can't Exist In a Vacuum.  Or should that be the tagline for the other movie?  Maybe we could get honorary Boston girl Aimee Mann to do the soundtrack!

Well, I guess we've reached the "five minute read" mark and Lord knows we can't go past that.  But I have more to say, bro...
So, whoever's still reading; please see Part 3 of this: Matty Are You A Zaddy?/Part 3.

CFR   5/5/24