"Oh yeah, I promised I'd write a blog about you..."
"What could you possibly have to say about me that hasn't already been covered on E! Entertainment television and in the pages of Rona Barrett's Gossip magazine?"
"I think that's Lee Majors' daughter..."
"That was a long time ago. It was the '70's--"
"Look, I don't want to talk about him. I want to talk about you."
"Yeah, I'm tired of talking about me."
"Look, just meet me at Kate Mantilini's in an hour. Bring your skateboard."
"I don't have a skateboard."
"You can borrow my roller skates."
"Didn't Kate Mantilini's close like ten years ago?"
"Just use your imagination Chris; or that special vaping pen that just arrived at your door. Bye!"
There was a knock at the door. I went to it and found an unmarked box on the stoop. I brought the box into the house and opened it. Inside was a vaping pen with a note attached: "Drink Me!" So, I opened the pen and drank the vape juice.
The next thing I knew, I was on the roof of the Capitol Records building wearing nothing but a Speedo and a pair of roller skates. A Roller Boogie party was in progress, hosted by Cher.
"Where's Farrah?" I asked. I took a drag on my vape pen and let out a huge phat cloud that floated past the spire.
"What is that?" Cher asked, more interested in the vape pen than my query. "Is that like a mini-hookah? Let me try that!"
I handed her the pen and she took a drag. "Wow! Bubble gum!"
"Cher," I said, "I've got to get to Kate Mantilini's. Farrah's waiting for me--"
"Can I come?"
"Sure," I said, not so sure, "I guess..."
"Let's take the short cut--"
"What short cut?"
"The Rain-blow Bridge Express!" She produced a vial of pink powder with a tag that said,"Sniff Me." We both took a toot and then we were racing across a giant sequined over-pass, headed West.
The hostess, a young Connie Chung, greeted us with menus. "Right this way, Miss Fawcett is waiting for you..."
"Uhhm, could I get a jacket or something? I feel a little under-dressed..."
"Oh, you're fine," Connie said, "we're a very laid back establishment!"
"Well, I don't want chest hair getting in my soup..."
"Oh, okay, I think I might have something in the coat-check..."
She returned with a full-length fur coat with a train, marabou trim and elaborate crystal bead work. "Mr. Liberace left this behind last week." I put on the coat and Connie escorted us to the table. Farrah looked up from a Pink Lady and tossed her hair.
"Oh, a gentleman!"
She sat and began looking over the menu.
"Well, don't say 'Hi' or anything, Cher--"
"Oh, hi Farrah. Sorry, I'm just really hungry. Roller Boogie really takes it out of you. Do they have waffles here?"
Cher chuckled. "I'm Cher, bitch. And why are you being so bitchy Farrah? What's the problem?"
"They cancelled Farrah Shampoo, darn it!"
"Girl, how many shampoos have you pushed, anyways?"
Farrah looked into space. "No...no, I don't remember..."
"Well, let me refresh your memory..." Cher removed a crystal ball from her purse and we all gazed into it:
The waiter came and took our drink orders.
"I'll have a grasshopper, please." I said.
"Another Pink Lady for me," Farrah sighed.
"A bottle of Cristal," Cher chirped.
The waiter, a young Tom Selleck, lifted his head from his pad. "We're out of that Miss Cher--"
"Very good, Ms. Cher"
"And make sure it's nice and cold."
He departed and Farrah looked into space again.
"He seems really familiar..."
"You were in Myra Breckenridge together. And a Dubonnet commercial."
"I'm not sure," I replied. We consulted the crystal ball again:
"Well," I 'splained, "Myra Breckinridge is a character from a book that was made into a movie starring Raquel Welch. You and Tom were both in it, Farrah. Along with Mae West and Rex Reed--"
"The movie critic?" Cher asked. I nodded. "Who the hell would want to see him in a movie?" I shrugged now.
"I don't remember..."
Farrah was like, totally spacing out, like her character Holly in Logan's Run.
"Rex Reed plays this guy named Myron who gets a sex change and turns into Raquel Welch--"
"Okay," Cher said, "stop right there. That is idiotic."
"I remember now..." Farrah said, downing the remainder of her Pink Lady, "...yes, I think I remember now...there was a camera and Tom Selleck was there, and John Huston and the lady from 1 Million Years B.C., and David Cassidy..."
"No, Farrah, that was when you were on The Partridge Family..."
"Yes, that's right...you see, we all took a vow that we would never talk about Myra Breckinridge again. Like it never happened at all..."
Tom Selleck, our waiter, returned.
"Do I know you?" he asked Farrah.
"No. Not in the least."
"Very Good miss person I don't know." He proceeded to open the champagne bottle and fill Cher's glass. "May I take your orders now?"
He looked at me. I looked at Farrah. "Gee, I forgot my wallet..."
Farrah reached in her purse and produced a large wad of Monopoly money. "Don't worry Chris, it's on me."
"Ladies first!" I enthused.
Farrah ordered granola with wheat germ oil and honey.
"I'll have the creamed herring with apples and onions to start," I said. Eyebrows went up. "When in Rome!; the Boston Clam Chowder, natch...and as an entree...I'll have the 'Bombay Madness'!"
"I thought you were in Rome," Cher quipped as she filled our glasses with champagne.
I looked around. I couldn't get a bead on things. I mean, I know I was trippin' balls; but the threads on the peeps just weren't addin' up man!
"What year is it anyways?"
"Year?" Farrah asked, "what's a year?"
"Uhhmm, the time it takes the Earth to go around the sun..."
Cher licked her lips. "We don't tell time like that here, in LaLaWood."
"Can you turn back time?"
"Well, yeah," she replied.
"Do you have a calendar?"
"Well, Farrah and I both have calendars; but there aren't any dates on them; just hot pictures of the two of us!"
"Well, how do you schedule things? Like your TV show, and when it airs and all that stuff..."
"I don't know," Cher said, "you just think it and it is. Like, if I have a doctor appointment, I just, like, go to the doctors."
"But, what about--"
Before I could complete my sentence; Connie Chung came up to the table and whispered in Cher's ear. "Sure, of course!!!" Cher enthused and leapt out of her chair. Before you could say, "Ob la di-Ob la da" this happened:
"That was terrific Cher; so anyways...about this space-time continuum--"
"Let it Be Chris. Let it be."
So, I let it be. Then the food came and we feasted. Creamed herring never tasted so good! As we ate our desserts (Farrah: Fresh Strawberries and whipped cream; Cher: The Ultimate Dark Chocolate Cheese Cake on a Stick; Me: Frozen, Chocolate Bananas on a Stick; but we shared...) I couldn't help but wonder--
"Chris," Farrah said, wiping a dollop of whipped cream off her nose, "I was wondering..."
"Would you let a toy company make a make-up center out of your head?"
"I would!" Cher exclaimed.
"I wasn't asking you Cher..."
"Why would anyone want a styling head of my mug?" I asked.
"Say you were so famous, people would pay to watch you buff your bunions; then a toy company comes along and offers you a shit-ton of cash to use your likeness..."
"Hmmmm. I don't know. I mean, what would happen to all of my heads after kids got bored with them? Would they end up in a land-fill? I'd worry about my heads. Would future archaeologists find one of my heads and assume I was some kind of god?"
Cher threw her hair back and laughed. "Who gives a crap?"
"I mean, like, where have all the Farrah heads gone?" I said, unthinkingly.
A tear trickled down Farrah's cheek. "Long time passing..."
"So, it's a 'no' to the styling head. But I could go for a Chris action figure! G.I. Chris; but then I'd kind of wonder
"When will you ever learn?" Cher said and finished her champagne. "Lighten up people! Let's go skate this meal off!"
She picked up her crystal ball.
"You know," I said, "in the future Cher, you become a big time dramatic actress..."
Cher scoffed. "Get out..."
"No, really, you star in your first movie with Meryl Streep!"
"Look!" I exclaimed and waved my hand over the crystal orb:
"What about me?" Farrah asked. "What happens to me in my future?"
"Well," I said, after clearing my throat, "you kind of become a movie star and then go on to be an even bigger TV star and you too are considered a great dramatic actress; but then you meet someone and get distracted..."
"Who?!? Who do I meet???"
Farrah frowned. "That jerk from Love Story?"
"Let me see!" She grabbed the crystal ball and waved her hand over it.
"Well, don't say I didn't warn you."
Cher put the crystal ball in her purse. "Does Ali McGraw become a serious dramatic actress?" she asked.
"Ahhh...the jury's still out on that one...and Farrah," I opined, "you played way too many victims. You went to some super dark places..."
"Well, I think your forte was really light comedy...Cher, give me that ball back--"
"More shampoo," Cher sniffed.
"Who are Laverne and Shirley?" Farrah asked.
"Long story," I replied.
"Chris," Farrah asked, her mood brightening, "have you ever been interviewed by Barbara Walters?"
"Well, it hasn't happened yet, Farrah and if it hasn't happened yet, I don't think it's gonna..."
"I have!" Cher laughed.
Farrah, with a lisp, said: "If you were a twee, what kind of twee would you be?" She and Cher really yucked it up.
Farrah asked: "Chris, if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?"
She nodded. "Nice. Stripes. What about you Cher?"
Cher sighed. "A sequoia. Can we go now?"
"What about you Farrah? What kind of tree would you be?"
"A magnolia, I think. Or or a mimosa; even though they're invasive..."
"Farrah," I said, "the only thing you could invade is our hearts."
Cher stood up. "Oh brother..."
"Well, let's go to Silver Lake--"
"I want something more challenging than L.A. I know! Let's go to Frisco!"
"That's an eight hour drive," I whined.
"When," Cher huffed, "will you ever learn Chris? This is LaLaWood..."
She led us into the cinema. What's Up Doc? was just starting.
"Hey," Farrah said, "isn't Ryan O'Neal in this?"
Cher winked at me and then the three of us held hands and leapt into the movie screen. The next thing I knew, we were barreling down Lombard Street, taking the hair-pin turns at dangerous speeds.
"Life sure is full of twists and turns, isn't it?" I asked, of no one in particular.
"Yeah, if you actually go and live it..." Cher answered, of no one in particular.
"Hey Farrah," I said.
"When you went on that ski trip to Austria that you won on The Dating Game, did you and your date..."
"Get some noop-noop?"
"We had a chaperone. And separate rooms..."
She smiled. "Let's just say he could slalom like nobody's business. And the Wiener Schnitzel was delicious!"
She tossed her head back and laughed as we hurtled across the Golden Gate.