PAGES: THE SITCOM (PILOT) / PART 2

ACT 2

EXT. THE LODGE BAR -DAY
We see the facade of the bar as Jennifer and Joe look around and go through the front door.
CUT TO:
INT. THE LODGE BAR -DAY
The front door opens and the daylight pierces the gloomy space like a 10,000 watt search-light.  The PATRONS, various older gentlemen clustered at one end of the bar, GROAN and shield their eyes.  The door stands open as Jennifer and Joe poke their heads in.

Note: When I worked at this establishment in the early 90's, it was a gay bar.  More than a little on the seedy side.  It is now called "Skinny's Lounge" and it has apparently gotten a hipster upgrade at some point (when I worked there, they were going for a sort of ski lodge vibe).  As Pages is set currently; we shall return to the "Skinny's" moniker.  Cooper works the Sunday morning shift, where the last of the place's gay clientele congregates.

CUSTOMER #1 (MILLIE)
Shut the goddamn door!
Joe pushes Jennifer inside and the door swings closed.
CUSTOMER #2 (DENNY)
(To Jennifer) Whadda you want, honey?
JENNIFER
We're looking for Cooper Reilly, the bartender.
MILLIE
He's probably in the john, working the glory-hole! (CACKLES).
COOPER
(Popping up from below the bar with liquor bottles)  Millie, be nice.  These are my friends--
DENNY
You have friends?
COOPER
(To Jennifer and Joe as they take stools at the bar)
My own personal Statler and Waldorf.  Just ignore them, they're harmless.
JOE
Are they, like, gay?
COOPER
If you mean "happy," then no.  But if you mean gay as in faded, jaded queens of yore,  you'd be right.
MILLIE
We heard that!
JENNIFER
That was kind of mean.
COOPER
They love it.  Bitchy insults is how they show love.
JOE
Is it their "love language"?
JENNIFER
I hate that expression.  I hate buzz words.
COOPER
Isn't "buzz word" a buzz word?
JENNIFER
Oh!  The one I really hate is "virtue signaling"!  Isn't using the term "virtue signaling," virtue signaling?
JOE
Is this a gay bar?  Not that there's anything wrong with that...
COOPER
Only on Sunday mornings.  What are you drinking?
JOE
I'll have--
COOPER
Oh, wait!  I've invented a new cocktail game, wanna play?
JOE/JENNIFER
(Together) Sure!
COOPER
Okay, name a celebrity...any celebrity.
JOE
Jerry Seinfeld.
COOPER
Okay.  I'm going to "on the spot" make a cocktail based on him.  Let me think...
JENNIFER
I love that show!  The writing is so amazing.  And It has such a high rewatchability quotient.
JOE
I know, right?  And the show is literally about nothing.  Can you believe that; NOTHING!  Who'da thought "nothing" would stand the test of time!??!
COOPER
Samuel Beckett, n'est ce-pas?
MILLIE
Here she goes with the French...
COOPER 
I've got it!
He starts grabbing bottles from the shelves.
SMASH CUT TO:
CLOSE on the bar top.  Cooper slides two purplish drinks in martini glasses towards Joe and Jennifer.
COOPER
I give you the "Jerry Seinfeld," on the house!
Jennifer and Joe sip the drinks.  A panoply of expressions play across their faces.
COOPER
Whadda ya think?
JOE
Well, I'm glad I don't have to pay for it.
JENNIFER
Now, wait a second...(she takes another sip)  It sort of grows on you.  It's very tart; but also kind of sweet.
JOE
What's in it?
COOPER
Well, it's ice cold top-shelf vodka; because he's very no nonsense.  And a few jiggers of Manischewitz blackberry wine; because his comedy can be pretty dark and obviously Borscht Belt.  A dash of Chambord because he can be sweet when he wants; a twist of lemon; and a drizzle of mango liqueur because--
JENNIFER AND JOE
Season five, episode 1!

Who invited you Marty?

JOE
So, Cooper; how many gigs do you have, anyways?
COOPER
Well, there's this on the weekends.  And the temp gig.  And then I'm on call for the catering company. Also, the LaCrosse Store on Rodeo Drive; and hopefully after tomorrow; a page at Penultimate Studios!
JENNIFER
You got an interview?
COOPER
Yes!  Apparently getting the interview is somehow harder than getting the job.  But I would never have known about it if not for you Jen. So,  let's all raise a glass to new beginnings...
He puts shot glasses in front of everyone and fills them with the remainder of the "Jerry Seinfeld" in the shaker.  They all raise their glasses.
MILLIE
Cheers to Queers!
ALL
Here, here!
They drink.  Faces register everything from delight, to indifference to disgust.
MILLIE
What the hell was that?
COOPER
Jerry Seinfeld!
MILLIE
More like Geri-tol...
DENNY
You oughta know queen.
They start squabbling.
JENNIFER
Do you want to job interview role-play?
COOPER
Sure.
JOE
Where do you see yourself in ten years?
COOPER
Accepting the Oscar and finally joining the EGOT club and launching my latest celebrity fragrance: "Waft."
JOE
You might want to dial that back a little.
COOPER 
(Singing) This little light of mine; I'm gonna let it shine.  Nulli secundis!
MILLIE
Here she goes with the Greek.
COOPER
It's Latin, bitch.
MILLIE
Latin, schmatin.
JENNIFER
(Whispering, to Cooper) What's a glory hole?
Cooper looks at the ceiling as we...
CUT TO:

EXT. MELROSE AVENUE, HOLLYWOOD -DAY
Cooper is driving his Tercel down the avenue, past the blocks long wall of Penultimate Pictures Studios.  He turns into the drive and through the massive gate with its black, wrought-iron ornamentation.  The CAMERA TILTS UP and ZOOMS in on the studio logo: Apollo, holding aloft his lyre.  He is flanked by two of his muses, Thalia (holding a comedy mask) and Melpomene (holding a drama mask).  A scroll below reads: Nulli Secundis, which is Latin for "Second to None."  Cooper drives up to a security booth.  A SECURITY GUARD leans out of the door of the booth.
SECURITY GUARD
What can I do for you?
COOPER
I have an interview with a Mr. Thomas Peredo of Guest Liaisons.
SECURITY GUARD
Name?
COOPER
Cooper Reilly.
The guard checks a clipboard. He nods and retrieves a map of the lot.  He circles a spot in red and hands it to Cooper.
SECURITY GUARD
You want the Swanson building.  You can park in lot B which is the next right.
COOPER
​Thanks!
SECURITY GUARD
Good luck; and tell Mr. Peredo he still owes Curtis twenty bucks.
The guard CHUCKLES.  Cooper doesn't quite know how to respond.  The barrier gate raises.  Cooper shifts into reverse by mistake.  The gate lowers.  Cooper lurches forward, almost hitting the gate arm.  It raises again and Cooper backs up.  This bit goes on until traffic behind him starts HONKING.
SECURITY GUARD
First day with a stick?
COOPER
I'm wicked nervous...
SECURITY GUARD
Just take a deep breath.  You got this...
Cooper does so and finally makes it through.  The guard shakes his head, LAUGHING under his breath.
SECURITY GUARD
Tyros...

​CUT TO:
EXT. PENULTIMATE LOT -DAY
Cooper is wandering around, looking at the lot map, trying to figure out where he is. A MONTAGE!
​Cooper looking up at the water-tower that has the penultimate logo on it.
Cooper looking at a display case outside the commissary that houses several Oscars (TM/Reg./Pat.Pend.). 
COOPER
Wow...Lola Cogliano's Best Supporting Actress for Cherubs With Dirty Feet!
A LUMBERING FIGURE looms up behind, casting Cooper in shadow. He turns to see a character from Planetary Pursuit, an alien of some kind in a skin-tight jumpsuit: YEOMAN YAAKVAAR.  He does look rather like a Human/Yak hybrid.  He is from the planet "Vraak."
YAAKVAAR
I love that movie!
Cooper is speechless as he watches Yaakvaar open the commissary door for a similarly dressed actress.  He looks at his map again...
Cooper on the New York City back-lot.
Cooper wandering through a prop warehouse, past Greek Ruins, a Sphinx, a funhouse clown, etc.  He looks at his watch as a WORKER shouts down at him from a catwalk.
WORKER
(Coming down ladder) Hey, you're not supposed to be in here!
COOPER
I'm sorry, but I'm totally lost...and late.
WORKER
Where are you headed?
COOPER
I'm trying to find the Swanson building.
WORKER
Oh, actually, it's at the end of this block.  Just go out through those doors and take a left.  It's the last one.
COOPER
Thanks.
An earsplitting GRINDING NOISE comes from somewhere.  Cooper covers his ears.  The prop man points to a sign that reads "Hardhat Area," tips his own, points to his ear mufflers and disappears back up the ladder.
CUT TO:
Cooper is now in an office setting.  He is sitting in a chair in a small waiting area.  He looks up at a stylized version of the studio logo on the opposite wall as he tries to regain the hearing in his ears.

"INSPIRATION" ALERT:
So, I'm going to "borrow" a character from Pop Culture.  She's not on the level of say, Austin Powers or The Coneheads or Marge Simpson or It's Pat; but she does come up on a web-search.  I'm talking about none other than Ms. Debette Goldry, octogenarian actress brought to life by the hilarious Kate McKinnon.  I mean, of course, I can't just steal--err--borrow the character (unless, of course, I get Ms. McKinnon's sign-off); but I can do the next best thing.  Imitate to the point of incredulity.  You run into people like Debette in Hollywood all the time.  More often, people who never had success there; but still cling to the dream.  It's a thing.  So, that's what got me to thinking about Debette.  So, in Pages, we're going to meet Debette's identical cousin, Babette DaSilva.  She and Debette started out around the same time in Tinseltown; but where Debette made in-roads at every turn; Babette found detours at every turn.  At one point she became so despondent, she climbed up to the Hollywood sign and said "Goodbye Cruel Town!" and leapt to her...yucca plant.  You see, Babette was the only known person to survive a suicide leap from the famous landmark.  The newsreel about it was her highest grossing film.  So, Babette now works at Penultimate Studios Guest Liason office.  Hilarious!

REWRITE ALERT:
Okay, so this sequence seems to be shaping up for the "job interview from hell" sitch.   Which, perhaps may have been invented by the "Mary Tyler Moore Show" writers and I think we can all agree, set a high-bar which has yet to be surpassed:

So, my plan was just to have a more or less straightforward job interview scene; but now I want to ratchet up the (hopefully) humorous elements of the proverbial "bad day."  So, Cooper can't hear; but let's back it up a little and give him more of a hard time.

An earsplitting GRINDING NOISE comes from somewhere.  Cooper covers his ears.  The prop man points to a sign that reads "Hardhat Area," tips his own, points to his ear mufflers and disappears back up the ladder.  Cooper staggers towards the doors and exits.  We see him wander off to the right.  A beat.  He comes back, headed left, still staggering.
CUT TO:
Cooper's P.O.V.:
Cooper sees a golf-cart coming towards him.  A young woman in a business suit, her face set in grim determination, is barreling down the lane, which is laden with water filled pot-holes.  In the back seat is her passenger; a portly man of about 70 years old, wearing an Italian suit, sunglasses and puffing on a ridiculously long cigar.  This is legendary producer, GIG VIDOR. Sour-pussed, he is gesticulating at the driver; but of course, Cooper can't hear what he's saying.
The young woman plows through the biggest, wettest, pothole; taking zero notice of Cooper who finds himself inundated in a tsunamiesque spray of filthy back-lot water run-off.  He stands stock still, in utter shock as his map disintegrates in his hand.
CUT TO:
INT. PENULTIMATE GUEST LIASONS OFFICE -DAY
Cooper is now in an office setting.  He is sitting in a chair in a small waiting area.  He looks up at a stylized version of the studio logo on the opposite wall as he tries to regain the hearing in his ears.  He looks over to the receptionist, who smiles at him.  She is anywhere from 85 to 105.  She waves and says something.  Cooper points to his ear and shakes his head.  The receptionist is BABETTE DA SILVA, a kindly, if somewhat eccentric, mother hen of the office.  She opens one of her desk drawers and removes a, strange, spindly object and holds it up.
BABETTE
Would you like to borrow my ear trumpet?
Cooper shrugs as she stands and grabs a box of tissues.  She hands him the "ear trumpet" and starts dabbing at the mud on his clothes, which only makes it worse.
BABETTE
Wait a second...I think I have some "Chem-Dry-To-Go" in my desk...

COOPER
What?
BABETTE
(As she rummages) Did you have any trouble finding the building?  We are kind of tucked away back here.
COOPER
A little bit.  Is the building named after Gloria Swanson? 
BABETTE
Ah, no.  It's named after Swanson TV dinners.  They sponsored I'm Engaged to Agnes and getting the building named after their lousy pot pies was part of the deal.  Here we go!
She pulls an antique looking nebulizer out of her bottom drawer and approaches Cooper.
COOPER
Are you sure that's--
BABETTE
(Spraying him)  We'll have you bright as a shiny new dime for Mr. Tomas!
A large cloud arises in the waiting area and Cooper starts COUGHING and waving his arms.  The intercom on Babette's desk BUZZES.  She squirts Cooper a few more times and answers it.
BABETTE
Yes Mr. Tomas. Right away Mr. Tomas!
She turns to Cooper.  As the cloud dissipates, we can see that is hair is standing on end and is slightly smoking.  Babette goes to Cooper, licks her finger tips and tries to fix his hair.
BABETTE
There we go!  Just like new.  You can go in now.
She opens the door for Cooper and pushes him through.  We hear a loud CRASH, followed by a MOAN.  Babette returns to her typing.

Okay, maybe this is veering into Three Stooges territory; but why not?  They've certainly stood the test of time.  Question: Have you ever met a single (any) female, woman, lady-gendered type person who liked the Stooges?  

SMASH CUT TO:
INT. THOMAS PEREDO'S OFFICE
THOMAS "TOMAS" PEREDO, 30s-40's is a compact man with a big personality. Hollywood savvy; but kind by nature (and good-natured, with a twinkle in his eye), he is leaning back in his chair, his hands folded across his stomach.  He SIGHS as we surmise what he has just seen: something to do with Cooper, a rolling office chair, a potted palm and the venetian blinds, which were once in the window.
TOMAS
(Looking at his nails)  Are you all right?
COOPER
(Extricating himself with some difficulty, from amongst the said items and off the floor)  I'm good!  I'm good!  Mr. Peredo, I will pay for these blinds!
There is something of a CACOPHONY as he disentangles himself.
TOMAS
Don't worry about it.  I was going to put in black out shades anyways. (Gestures) Please, have a seat.
COOPER
Oh, I already ate.
TOMAS
A seat.
COOPER
What?
He puts the small end of the ear trumpet to his ear and the larger end towards Tomas.
COOPER
I'm having a little trouble hearing.  I walked into this building today and it was REALLY LOUD.
TOMAS
Why are you holding a Papua New Guinean penis gourd to your head?
COOPER
Your secretary lent it to me.
TOMAS
I wondered where that went. You never know what she's going to pull out of her drawer...
Cooper sits and tries to compose himself.  He starts surreptitiously scratching himself.  He drops the gourd and retrieves it.
TOMAS
So, I see you went to Cotton Mather College where you studied film.
Cooper nods dumbly, his urge to scratch growing more intense.
TOMAS
You want to...what...direct...write?
COOPER
Oh, I'm a lover, not a fighter.
TOMAS
WRITE.
Correct!  But what I would really love to do is write for a Penultimate show.  I've been a Planetary Pursuit fan since I was a kid!
TOMAS
Well, you've got to pay your dues first.
COOPER
Oh, do you validate parking?
TOMAS
Where do you see yourself in ten years?
COOPER
Oh, I love Britney Spears; I'm a little concerned, though, that she's not getting the help she needs.
TOMAS
(Shaking his head, giving up)  Can you drive a golf cart?
COOPER
Oh, Mr. Peredo...(dropping his voice) I'd never fart in your office!
TOMAS
I said, "Can you drive a golf cart"!
Cooper shakes his head and puts the penis gourd to his ear.  He drops it.
COOPER
Oops, I did it again!  (LAUGHS somewhat hysterically).
As Cooper leans down to pick up the gourd, his shirt splits up the back, apparently in the process of disintegrating.  Finally, Tomas comes from behind his desk and pulls Cooper to his feet.  Cooper, realizing the scope of this disaster, tries to change the subject.  He points to a framed, autographed picture of Meryl Streep from the poster for Alice at the Palace.  It reads: To Tomas.  Eat me!  Love, Meryl
COOPER
Oh, "Alice at the Palace"...I loved her in that!
TOMAS
You've seen it?
COOPER
Oh, yeah.  
TOMAS
You're the only person; besides me, that I've ever met; who has.
COOPER
Really?
TOMAS
Yes.
COOPER
Mr. Peredo, I'm really sorry about--
TOMAS
Look kid.  Show biz means never having to say you're sorry.
Tomas starts leading him to the door, which he opens.
COOPER
Oh!  Curtis says you still owe him twenty bucks.
TOMAS
Oh really?  (Taking out his wallet and extracting a five dollar bill)  Give him this and tell him he gets the rest when I get that fried okra recipe.
Cooper nods and take the money and starts to leave.
TOMAS
My penis gourd?
Cooper LAUGHS nervously and hands the gourd to Tomas.
COOPER
And what a handsome penis fjord it is!
Cooper salutes, does a ridiculous bow, turns on his heel and walks into the corner behind the door.  He emerges and leaves.  Tomas goes to a shelf and places the gourd amongst a trove of other equally odd items.  He turns to the mess and SIGHS.
TOMAS
Babette.  Babette...BABETTE!
CUT TO:
INT. OUTER OFFICE -DAY
Cooper, scratching like a maniac, bolts out of the office.
BABETTE
(Calling after him)  Did ya get the job, sweetheart?
CUT TO:
EXT. -GUARD BOOTH -DAY
Cooper, now exiting the studio, stops at the booth.  CURTIS THE GUARD, leans out.  He can't contain his shock and simultaneous amusement.
CURTIS
Are they filming Tar Pits two back there?
COOPER
I don't want to talk about it.  Here's five bucks.  You get the rest when you cough up some fried okra.
Curtis takes the money and watches as Cooper drives off, barley avoiding a collision when he turns on to Melrose.
CURTIS
That boy is going places!

PLEASE SEE: PAGES THE SITCOM PILOT, PT. 3 for the conclusion!

CFR  10/28/23