Remember that actress, Pandora Spocks, who played "Serena" on Bewitched? She was Samantha's (Elizabeth Montgomery) cousin. I was thinking about sitcoms; which is why I'm mentioning this extraordinary; but sadly, forgotten actress.
Her name was a clever pun on Pandora's Box (duh). I read that some A/I program is capable of writing Seinfeld scripts. How? Well, because human beings are showing it how to. Why? Well, humans just can't resist opening Pandora's Box(!). We already saw Watson the computer whip every humans ass on the set of Jeopardy! And that was like ten years ago. A/I has shown us that it can create artwork as amazing as any Renaissance master; perhaps even better. Why? Well, because humans dumped a bunch of human created art into the program and told the computer to extrapolate. And now A/I is extrapolating our asses off.
Her name was a clever pun on Pandora's Box (duh). I read that some A/I program is capable of writing Seinfeld scripts. How? Well, because human beings are showing it how to. Why? Well, humans just can't resist opening Pandora's Box(!). We already saw Watson the computer whip every humans ass on the set of Jeopardy! And that was like ten years ago. A/I has shown us that it can create artwork as amazing as any Renaissance master; perhaps even better. Why? Well, because humans dumped a bunch of human created art into the program and told the computer to extrapolate. And now A/I is extrapolating our asses off.
So, apparently actual human writers were using the A/I to come up with the Seinfeld script. What are you thinking writers? You don't think that maybe, oh, I don't know, ABC might just have all its sit-coms penned by a computer in order to fire their writing staffs? Writing staffs are expensive. Writing staffs need Health and Dental. A computer program doesn't.
A/I is already putting human artists out of business. Hey, why pay a human when you can just pay the one time fee for the program and get all the ART you want? Looking at the above "painting" though; as beautiful as it is...there's something soulless about it. At the rate it's going, A/I will be able to generate all kinds of filmed entertainment: from penning its own scripts to creating "deep-fake" actors. Kiss that $20 million dollar paycheck goodbye, Brad and Julia.
In any event, now that I'm a Seinfeld fan, my thought was: fuck you A/I. I can write a Seinfeld script better than you can. So that's what I'm going to do. I recently was running an idea for an episode of Seinfeld past my husband, Joseph, and he (a long time fan of the show) started pinging ideas back at me. So tune in to this blog post for the upcoming "H/I" Seinfeld sit-com script!
A/I is already putting human artists out of business. Hey, why pay a human when you can just pay the one time fee for the program and get all the ART you want? Looking at the above "painting" though; as beautiful as it is...there's something soulless about it. At the rate it's going, A/I will be able to generate all kinds of filmed entertainment: from penning its own scripts to creating "deep-fake" actors. Kiss that $20 million dollar paycheck goodbye, Brad and Julia.
In any event, now that I'm a Seinfeld fan, my thought was: fuck you A/I. I can write a Seinfeld script better than you can. So that's what I'm going to do. I recently was running an idea for an episode of Seinfeld past my husband, Joseph, and he (a long time fan of the show) started pinging ideas back at me. So tune in to this blog post for the upcoming "H/I" Seinfeld sit-com script!
SEINFELD
"The Peekers"
Written by
Christopher F. Reidy & J.R. Butts
INT. MEN'S REST ROOM AT PENDANT PUBLISHING -DAY
George enters the rest-room. There are three urinals. The first and third are taken by two men in suits. George, also in a suit, takes the middle urinal. He begins his business and looks up at the ceiling. Then down. Then quickly to his left. He looks up again. Looks down again and then quickly to his right. The man on his right is CHARLIE SHERMAN, late 30's/early 40's. He turns his head to the left and George quickly stares up at the ceiling again.
CHARLIE
George? Is that Georgie Costanza?
GEORGE
Yeah...oh, hey...it's Charlie, right...Charlie...?
CHARLIE
Sherman! Hey George it's good to see you!
GEORGE
Yeah, Charlie...you too. I'd shake your hand but; well...my hand is currently unavailable.
CHARLIE
(Laughs) So, what brings you back to Pendant?
GEORGE
Well, you know, baseball is great and all; but I really missed the fast paced world of publishing.
CHARLIE
Couldn't do anything else.
GEORGE
I hear you. I mean it's the words, right? All those words! Just love the words!
CHARLIE
And the pages!
GEORGE
Don't even get me started on the pages! Oh boy: THE PAGES!
The man at the first urinal zips up, flushes and leaves.
GEORGE
Did he wash his hands? He didn't wash his hands! Who does that?!!?
CHARLIE
Yeah, that guy. And he always wants to shake hands whenever he sees you.
Charlies zips up as does George and they both go to the sink and wash their hands.
CHARLIE
I'll tell you one thing Georgie...cleanliness is next to Godliness...
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah it sure is...
George watches in stunned disbelief as Charlie removes his suit jacket, tie and shirt and proceeds to wash his armpits; which he then dries with the hand-blowdryer.
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S CAFE -NIGHT
JERRY
He dried his underarms with the blow-dryer? I don't believe what I'm hearing!
GEORGE
That's the part you find strange?
JERRY
Unbelievable!
GEORGE
Well, believe it...(stirring some milk into his coffee)...Jerry, can I tell you something?
JERRY
Sure. What?
GEORGE
I peeked...
JERRY
I know George. It happened in high school.
GEORGE
I'm not saying "peaked": P-E-A-K; I'm saying "peeked": P-E-E-K; as in "peek-a-boo."
JERRY
"Peeked"? What did you peek at?
GEORGE
You know...
JERRY
No! I'm afraid I don't!
"The Peekers"
Written by
Christopher F. Reidy & J.R. Butts
INT. MEN'S REST ROOM AT PENDANT PUBLISHING -DAY
George enters the rest-room. There are three urinals. The first and third are taken by two men in suits. George, also in a suit, takes the middle urinal. He begins his business and looks up at the ceiling. Then down. Then quickly to his left. He looks up again. Looks down again and then quickly to his right. The man on his right is CHARLIE SHERMAN, late 30's/early 40's. He turns his head to the left and George quickly stares up at the ceiling again.
CHARLIE
George? Is that Georgie Costanza?
GEORGE
Yeah...oh, hey...it's Charlie, right...Charlie...?
CHARLIE
Sherman! Hey George it's good to see you!
GEORGE
Yeah, Charlie...you too. I'd shake your hand but; well...my hand is currently unavailable.
CHARLIE
(Laughs) So, what brings you back to Pendant?
GEORGE
Well, you know, baseball is great and all; but I really missed the fast paced world of publishing.
CHARLIE
Couldn't do anything else.
GEORGE
I hear you. I mean it's the words, right? All those words! Just love the words!
CHARLIE
And the pages!
GEORGE
Don't even get me started on the pages! Oh boy: THE PAGES!
The man at the first urinal zips up, flushes and leaves.
GEORGE
Did he wash his hands? He didn't wash his hands! Who does that?!!?
CHARLIE
Yeah, that guy. And he always wants to shake hands whenever he sees you.
Charlies zips up as does George and they both go to the sink and wash their hands.
CHARLIE
I'll tell you one thing Georgie...cleanliness is next to Godliness...
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah it sure is...
George watches in stunned disbelief as Charlie removes his suit jacket, tie and shirt and proceeds to wash his armpits; which he then dries with the hand-blowdryer.
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S CAFE -NIGHT
JERRY
He dried his underarms with the blow-dryer? I don't believe what I'm hearing!
GEORGE
That's the part you find strange?
JERRY
Unbelievable!
GEORGE
Well, believe it...(stirring some milk into his coffee)...Jerry, can I tell you something?
JERRY
Sure. What?
GEORGE
I peeked...
JERRY
I know George. It happened in high school.
GEORGE
I'm not saying "peaked": P-E-A-K; I'm saying "peeked": P-E-E-K; as in "peek-a-boo."
JERRY
"Peeked"? What did you peek at?
GEORGE
You know...
JERRY
No! I'm afraid I don't!
GEORGE
So, you've never peeked at another guys...you know...when you were at the urinal?
JERRY
No! Those things have partitions. Besides the rule is, you leave the one between you empty.
GEORGE
Sometimes those things don't have partitions and sometimes there are NO empties!
JERRY
Well, then I'll use a stall or I'll wait.
GEORGE
Well, whatever. But you're telling me you never peeked? Not once; ever in your life?
JERRY
...no...
GEORGE
You're telling me you never even inadvertently glanced? A side-eye? Your curiosity never got the better of you and you peeked because you wanted to know how you...size up...in the pecking order?
George is unaware that Elaine has entered the cafe and is standing behind him, taking her coat off.
ELAINE
Did you just say "pecker"?
She slides into the booth next to George.
GEORGE
No. I said "pecking."
ELAINE
"Pecking" like a chicken?
GEORGE
More like a "woodpecker."
ELAINE
I love woodpeckers! They're my favorite bird!
JERRY
Really? I would've thought maybe an oriole for you. Or a parakeet.
GEORGE
How about a mockingbird? Or a raven maybe?
ELAINE
Nope. Woodpeckers. And speaking of pecking, I'm starving. I'm peckish! I think I'll have an unsalad.
JERRY
What's an "unsalad."
ELAINE
It's a diet thing. I'm watching my weight.
JERRY
But what is it?
ELAINE
Oh, well, it's a salad without the greens. Just the dressing and the crackers. It's really tasty!
GEORGE
So, you just dip the crackers into the dressing? (Elaine nods) And this helps you lose weight? (She nods again) Okay. Hey, listen, Elaine...have you ever peeked?
ELAINE
Do you mean like..."peek-a-boo"?
GEORGE
Like peeked at another woman's (he looks down)...you know...when you're in the bathroom somewhere?
ELAINE
What? No!
GEORGE
Oh really?
ELAINE
Even if I wanted to do that George; ladies rooms have stalls.
JERRY
Yeah George. It's not like a prison with the toilet in the middle of the room!
GEORGE
What about the locker room at the gym? Huh? What about that?
ELAINE
Oh well that's different. That's not peeking; that's just looking. So, you're saying you peek at other guys (she looks down)...you know...when you're in the bathroom? How?
GEORGE
When you're at the urinal. ALL guys do it.
ELAINE
Have you ever done it Jerry?
JERRY
Fine. Yes. Out of curiosity. It's kind of a guy thing.
ELAINE
When was the last time you peeked?
JERRY
I don't know...a month ago?
ELAINE
How about you George?
GEORGE
Today.
ELAINE
At Pendant? Who? Who did you peek at? Do I know him?
GEORGE
Charlie Sherman.
ELAINE
Charlie Sherman?!? I do know him! He's cute.
GEORGE
That's not all he is--
ELAINE
What? Is he someone you'd want to get a peek of?
GEORGE
Is he ever.
JERRY
You mean...?
GEORGE
Oh, I mean it.
ELAINE
So, Charlie is like...gifted...in that department?
GEORGE
And wrapped! The biggest peek I've ever peeked!
ELAINE
I've never seen one that was "wrapped." I want a peek! How can I get a peek?
JERRY
Have you lost your mind?
ELAINE
It's curiosity Jerry. It's CURIOSITY!
JERRY
What are you? A cat?
So, you've never peeked at another guys...you know...when you were at the urinal?
JERRY
No! Those things have partitions. Besides the rule is, you leave the one between you empty.
GEORGE
Sometimes those things don't have partitions and sometimes there are NO empties!
JERRY
Well, then I'll use a stall or I'll wait.
GEORGE
Well, whatever. But you're telling me you never peeked? Not once; ever in your life?
JERRY
...no...
GEORGE
You're telling me you never even inadvertently glanced? A side-eye? Your curiosity never got the better of you and you peeked because you wanted to know how you...size up...in the pecking order?
George is unaware that Elaine has entered the cafe and is standing behind him, taking her coat off.
ELAINE
Did you just say "pecker"?
She slides into the booth next to George.
GEORGE
No. I said "pecking."
ELAINE
"Pecking" like a chicken?
GEORGE
More like a "woodpecker."
ELAINE
I love woodpeckers! They're my favorite bird!
JERRY
Really? I would've thought maybe an oriole for you. Or a parakeet.
GEORGE
How about a mockingbird? Or a raven maybe?
ELAINE
Nope. Woodpeckers. And speaking of pecking, I'm starving. I'm peckish! I think I'll have an unsalad.
JERRY
What's an "unsalad."
ELAINE
It's a diet thing. I'm watching my weight.
JERRY
But what is it?
ELAINE
Oh, well, it's a salad without the greens. Just the dressing and the crackers. It's really tasty!
GEORGE
So, you just dip the crackers into the dressing? (Elaine nods) And this helps you lose weight? (She nods again) Okay. Hey, listen, Elaine...have you ever peeked?
ELAINE
Do you mean like..."peek-a-boo"?
GEORGE
Like peeked at another woman's (he looks down)...you know...when you're in the bathroom somewhere?
ELAINE
What? No!
GEORGE
Oh really?
ELAINE
Even if I wanted to do that George; ladies rooms have stalls.
JERRY
Yeah George. It's not like a prison with the toilet in the middle of the room!
GEORGE
What about the locker room at the gym? Huh? What about that?
ELAINE
Oh well that's different. That's not peeking; that's just looking. So, you're saying you peek at other guys (she looks down)...you know...when you're in the bathroom? How?
GEORGE
When you're at the urinal. ALL guys do it.
ELAINE
Have you ever done it Jerry?
JERRY
Fine. Yes. Out of curiosity. It's kind of a guy thing.
ELAINE
When was the last time you peeked?
JERRY
I don't know...a month ago?
ELAINE
How about you George?
GEORGE
Today.
ELAINE
At Pendant? Who? Who did you peek at? Do I know him?
GEORGE
Charlie Sherman.
ELAINE
Charlie Sherman?!? I do know him! He's cute.
GEORGE
That's not all he is--
ELAINE
What? Is he someone you'd want to get a peek of?
GEORGE
Is he ever.
JERRY
You mean...?
GEORGE
Oh, I mean it.
ELAINE
So, Charlie is like...gifted...in that department?
GEORGE
And wrapped! The biggest peek I've ever peeked!
ELAINE
I've never seen one that was "wrapped." I want a peek! How can I get a peek?
JERRY
Have you lost your mind?
ELAINE
It's curiosity Jerry. It's CURIOSITY!
JERRY
What are you? A cat?
More peeking ahead!
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