Pandora Spocks(es)

Remember that actress, Pandora Spocks, who played "Serena" on Bewitched?  She was Samantha's (Elizabeth Montgomery) cousin.  I was thinking about sitcoms; which is why I'm mentioning this extraordinary; but sadly, forgotten actress.
Her name was a clever pun on Pandora's Box (duh).  I read that some A/I program is capable of writing Seinfeld scripts.  How?  Well, because human beings are showing it how to.  Why?  Well, humans just can't resist opening Pandora's Box(!).  We already saw Watson the computer whip every humans ass on the set of Jeopardy!  And that was like ten years ago.  A/I has shown us that it can create artwork as amazing as any Renaissance master; perhaps even better.  Why?  Well, because humans dumped a bunch of human created art into the program and told the computer to extrapolate.  And now A/I is extrapolating our asses off.

​So, apparently actual human writers were using the A/I to come up with the Seinfeld script.  What are you thinking writers?  You don't think that maybe, oh, I don't know, ABC might just have all its sit-coms penned by a computer in order to fire their writing staffs?  Writing staffs are expensive.  Writing staffs need Health and Dental.  A computer program doesn't.
A/I is already putting human artists out of business.  Hey, why pay a human when you can just pay the one time fee for the program and get all the ART you want?  Looking at the above "painting" though; as beautiful as it is...there's something soulless about it.  At the rate it's going, A/I will be able to generate all kinds of filmed entertainment: from penning its own scripts to creating "deep-fake" actors.  Kiss that $20 million dollar paycheck goodbye, Brad and Julia.
In any event, now that I'm a Seinfeld fan, my thought was: fuck you A/I.  I can write a Seinfeld script better than you can. So that's what I'm going to do.  I recently was running an idea for an episode of Seinfeld past my husband, Joseph, and he (a long time fan of the show) started pinging ideas back at me.  So tune in to this blog post for the upcoming "H/I" Seinfeld sit-com script!

​SEINFELD

"The Peekers"
Written by
Christopher F. Reidy & J.R. Butts
INT. MEN'S REST ROOM AT PENDANT PUBLISHING -DAY
George enters the rest-room.  There are three urinals.  The first and third are taken by two men in suits.  George, also in a suit, takes the middle urinal.  He begins his business and looks up at the ceiling.  Then down.  Then quickly to his left.  He looks up again.  Looks down again and then quickly to his right.  The man on his right is CHARLIE SHERMAN, late 30's/early 40's.  He turns his head to the left and George quickly stares up at the ceiling again.
CHARLIE
George?  Is that Georgie Costanza?
GEORGE
Yeah...oh, hey...it's Charlie, right...Charlie...?
CHARLIE
Sherman!  Hey George it's good to see you!
GEORGE
Yeah, Charlie...you too.  I'd shake your hand but; well...my hand is currently unavailable.
CHARLIE
(Laughs) So, what brings you back to Pendant?
GEORGE
Well, you know, baseball is great and all; but I really missed the fast paced world of publishing.
CHARLIE
Couldn't do anything else.
GEORGE
I hear you.  I mean it's the words, right?  All those words!  Just love the words!
CHARLIE
And the pages!
GEORGE
Don't even get me started on the pages!  Oh boy: THE PAGES!
The man at the first urinal zips up, flushes and leaves.
GEORGE
Did he wash his hands?  He didn't wash his hands!  Who does that?!!?
CHARLIE
Yeah, that guy.  And he always wants to shake hands whenever he sees you.
Charlies zips up as does George and they both go to the sink and wash their hands.
CHARLIE
I'll tell you one thing Georgie...cleanliness is next to Godliness...
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah it sure is...
George watches in stunned disbelief as Charlie removes his suit jacket, tie and shirt and proceeds to wash his armpits; which he then dries with the hand-blowdryer.
CUT TO:
INT.  MONK'S CAFE  -NIGHT
JERRY
He dried his underarms with the blow-dryer? I don't believe what I'm hearing!
GEORGE
That's the part you find strange?
JERRY
Unbelievable!
GEORGE
Well, believe it...(stirring some milk into his coffee)...Jerry, can I tell you something?
JERRY
Sure. What?
GEORGE
I peeked...
JERRY
I know George.  It happened in high school.
GEORGE
I'm not saying "peaked": P-E-A-K; I'm saying "peeked": P-E-E-K; as in "peek-a-boo."
JERRY
"Peeked"?  What did you peek at?
GEORGE
You know...
JERRY
No! I'm afraid I don't!

GEORGE
So, you've never peeked at another guys...you know...when you were at the urinal?
JERRY
No!  Those things have partitions.  Besides the rule is, you leave the one between you empty.
GEORGE
Sometimes those things don't have partitions and sometimes there are NO empties!
JERRY
Well, then I'll use a stall or I'll wait.
GEORGE
Well, whatever.  But you're telling me you never peeked?  Not once; ever in your life?
JERRY
...no...
GEORGE
You're telling me you never even inadvertently glanced?  A side-eye?  Your curiosity never got the better of you and you peeked because you wanted to know how you...size up...in the pecking order?
(George is unaware that Elaine has entered the cafe and is standing behind him, taking her coat off)
ELAINE
​Did you just say "pecker"​?
(She slides into the booth next to George)
GEORGE
No. I said "pecking."
ELAINE
"Pecking" like a chicken?
GEORGE
More like a "woodpecker."
ELAINE
I love woodpeckers!  They're my favorite bird!
JERRY
Really?  I would've thought maybe an oriole for you.  Or a parakeet.
GEORGE
How about a mockingbird?  Or a raven maybe?
ELAINE
Nope.  Woodpeckers. And speaking of pecking, I'm starving. I'm peckish! I think I'll have an unsalad.
​JERRY
What's an "unsalad."
ELAINE
It's a diet thing.  I'm watching my weight.
JERRY
But what is it?
ELAINE
​Oh, well, it's a salad without the greens.  Just the dressing and the crackers.  It's really tasty!
GEORGE
So, you just dip the crackers into the dressing? (Elaine nods)  And this helps you lose weight? (She nods again) Okay.  Hey, listen, Elaine...have you ever peeked?
​ELAINE
Do you mean like..."peek-a-boo"?
​GEORGE
​Like peeked at another woman's (he looks down)...you know...when you're in the bathroom somewhere?
ELAINE
What? No!
GEORGE
Oh really?
ELAINE
Even if I wanted to do that George; ladies rooms have stalls. 
JERRY
Yeah George. It's not like a prison with the toilet in the middle of the room!
GEORGE
What about the locker room at the gym?  Huh?  What about that?
ELAINE
Oh well that's different.  That's not peeking; that's just looking.  So, you're saying you peek at other guys (she looks down)...you know...when you're in the bathroom?  How?
GEORGE
When you're at the urinal.  ALL guys do it.
ELAINE
Have you ever done it Jerry?
JERRY
Fine.  Yes.  ​Out of curiosity. It's kind of a guy thing.
​ELAINE
When was the last time you peeked?
JERRY
I don't know...a month ago?
ELAINE
How about you George?
GEORGE
Today.
ELAINE
At Pendant?  Who?  Who did you peek at?  Do I know him?
GEORGE
Charlie Sherman.
ELAINE
Charlie Sherman?!?  I do know him!  He's cute.
GEORGE
That's not all he is--
ELAINE
What?  Is he someone you'd want to get a peek of?
GEORGE
Is he ever.
JERRY
You mean...?
GEORGE
Oh, I mean it.
ELAINE
So, Charlie is like...gifted...in that department?
GEORGE
And wrapped!  The biggest peek I've ever peeked!
ELAINE
I've never seen one that was "wrapped."  I want a peek!  How can I get a peek?
JERRY
You've never seen one that was wrapped?
ELAINE
No, well, I'm not sure...by the time I see them, it's hard to tell.  Now I really want a peek!
JERRY
Have you gone off the deep end?
ELAINE
It's curiosity Jerry.  It's CURIOSITY!
JERRY
What are you?  A cat?

GEORGE
This guy is in that bathroom like clockwork: four fifteen, every day, on the dot.
JERRY
What?  Elaine's gonna go down to the Pendant Publishing men's room and use the urinal?
ELAINE
Why not?
JERRY
You really are insane.  Well, first, and I'm sure not least, it's illegal!
ELAINE
Says who?
GEORGE
​Is it?
JERRY
Pretty sure.
ELAINE
But not one hundred percent?
Jerry stands. 
GEORGE
Where are you going?
JERRY
Well, with all this talk of bathrooms; now I gotta go.  Would you two like to come and have a peek.
GEORGE
Seen it.  No thanks.  
ELAINE
Me too.  Pass.  I only have eyes for Charlie Sherman.
GEORGE
And you sir, are no Charlie Sherman. 
JERRY
Oh my God!  Crazy people.  I'm eating with crazy people...
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT -NIGHT
Jerry, George and Elaine enter the apartment where Kramer is on the couch, munching on crackers. He dips them into a bowl of dressing as he watches the TV.
KRAMER
Hey kids!
JERRY
What are you doing here?
KRAMER
My set's on the fritz and I didn't want to miss Matlock.
JERRY
God forbid.
GEORGE
(Leaning over Kramer's shoulder)  You having one of those unsalads?
KRAMER
Mmmm! So tasty!
ELAINE(Sitting next to Kramer) Say, Kramer, have you ever peeked at a urinal?
KRAMER
Not for a long time.
ELAINE
Why?
KRAMER
Don't need to.  I know exactly where I fall in the pecking order.
GEORGE
And where is that?
KRAMER
The eighty-ninth percentile, give or take.
JERRY
I'm not even going to ask.  So Kramer, get this: Elaine wants to go to the men's room at Pendant Publishing and peek at some guys "woodpecker."
KRAMER
Whose?
JERRY
Does it matter?

KRAMER
And how do you propose to do this Elaine?
ELAINE
I suppose I'd have to don a disguise!  Jerry can I borrow your suit?
JERRY
No.
ELAINE
George?
GEORGE
Are you kidding?  In one of my suits, you'd look the guy from The Talking Heads.
KRAMER
Elaine, I have a friend who can help.
ELAINE
How?
KRAMER
She's a "drag king."
JERRY
What's that?
KRAMER
Well, we've all heard of men who enjoy wearing the clothing of the female sex.  Often for entertainment purposes; but also, as a sort of hobby.  In the parlance, these men are often referred to as "drag queens," although some may prefer "female impersonator" or "female illusionist."
GEORGE
Well, who doesn't know that?
KRAMER
The "drag king" is usually a woman who puts on the traditional clothing of the male.  Which is what my friend Marissa Manoogian does.
JERRY
And what does she do when she's doing this?
KRAMER
She actually does stand-up Jerry and she's really good.  You better watch out!  Her stage name is "Myron."
GEORGE
Myron Manoogian!  As a matter of fact; Charlie Sherman was raving about him the other day.
ELAINE
Her.
JERRY
Never heard of him.
KRAMER
Her.
ELAINE
Do you think Myron could give me some pointers?
KRAMER
Marissa--
ELAINE
Do you think Marissa could give me some pointers?
KRAMER
Actually, I'm having dinner with her tomorrow night.  Why don't you come and ask her?
ELAINE
Okay, that'd be great.  Well, boys...or should I say "kings"?  I've gotta get going.
KRAMER
I'll walk you out.  This Matlock is a repeat.
(They say so long and leave.  Jerry sits and tries the "unsalad")
JERRY
This really is pretty good!
GEORGE
Let me try. (He sits, dips, nods in agreement). It really is!  But how do you lose weight?
JERRY
Well, look at how small these crackers are.
GEORGE
Oh yeah.
JERRY
Can you help me out tomorrow?  I've gotta find a present for Elaine's birthday, which is coming up fast.
GEORGE
Sure Jerry. (Dips and eats another cracker)  Unsalad.  Who knew?  So delicious!
JERRY
And slimming!
(They continue to eat)
FADE OUT

​ACT 2
​INT. MARISSA MANOOGIAN'S LOFT  -DAY
MARISSA MANOOGIAN, 40s, is a petite, round faced woman with a very New Yawk, yet jovial attitude.  She is wearing a rather feminine outfit of a skirt, sweater and knee-high boots.  Kramer sits in a chair and watches as Marissa pulls some men's clothing from a rack and presents several selections to Elaine, who is the process of putting her hair under a cap in front of a mirror.
MARISSA
How about the houndstooth?
ELAINE
I think it's a little...bold.
KRAMER
Marissa, we don't want her to be too conspicuous.  We want her to blend in...may I use your phone?
MARISSA
Sure Cosmo.
Kramer picks up the phone.  CUT TO a shot of his answering machine in his apartment.  We hear Kramer's voice after the machine's BEEP:
"Hello, you have reached Cosmo Kramer.  As I am unavailable at the moment, I would invite you to leave a recorded message after the tone..."  CUT back to Kramer as he punches in the code.  Then we hear Jerry's voice: "Hey Kramer, give me a call when you get this: I need some information about woodpeckers..."
CUT back to Marissa's loft:
KRAMER
Oooh...woodpeckers...
ELAINE
Did you just say "pecker"?
KRAMER
Elaine, never mind about me.  You need to concentrate on your inner king.
ELAINE
You're right.
KRAMER
I usually am...

Kramer dials Jerry's number as he moves out of earshot of Elaine and Marissa.
CUT TO:
Jerry's apartment.  Jerry and George are watching a game on TV.  The phone rings and Jerry answers it.
JERRY
Hello?
KRAMER
Hi, Jerry, it's Kramer.  So you want to pick my mind about woodpeckers?
JERRY
Yeah so, we learned recently that Elaine's favorite bird is the woodpecker--
KRAMER
What kind?
JERRY
I don't know...she didn't say.  Are there different kinds?
KRAMER
Yes!  There are two-hundred plus species in the world and at least sixteen different types in North America!
JERRY
I don't know....something that looks like Woody Woodpecker, I guess.
KRAMER
Well, now you're talking the "pileated" or the "ivory billed."
JERRY
Fine.  The last one.
KRAMER
Well, that one has more than likely gone extinct.  There hasn't been an Ivory bill spotting since the early Forties!
JERRY
Then the other one!
KRAMER
Well Jerry keeping one as a pet isn't such a good idea.  And Elaine has all that beautiful wood molding at her place. He'd wreck it.  Besides it's against the law.
JERRY
I didn't say I wanted a live one.  A statue maybe.  Or a stuffed one...
KRAMER
As in a mounted taxidermic specimen?
JERRY
Yeah, I suppose, as long as it wasn't shedding or anything.
KRAMER
It's called "molting."
JERRY
Kramer, can you help me or not?
KRAMER
Well, as a matter of fact, I know a retired ornithologist from Columbia, who may very well have exactly what you're looking for.  He lives out on Roosevelt Island.  Let me give you his number and address...
Jerry grabs a pen and writes.
JERRY
Great, thanks Kramer.  You're a pal! (He hangs up).  That Kramer is a real mensch!  Come on George; go splash some water on your face...
GEORGE
Why?
JERRY
We're going to Roosevelt Island!  We've got a man to see about a picking out a pickled pecker!

CUT TO:
INT. ROOSEVELT ISLAND SKY-TRAM -DAY
Jerry and George are practically the only two people on the tram.  They're standing, looking out the window.
GEORGE
Ya know, I've never been on this thing before.
JERRY
You've never been on the Roosevelt Island tram before?
GEORGE
No, why would I be going to Roosevelt Island?  Ever?
JERRY
I don't know...sightseeing?  I believe there are several sights to see.
GEORGE
Like what?
JERRY
I don't know, I've never been to Roosevelt Island before.
GEORGE
Then why did you say it like you had?
JERRY
Had what?
GEORGE
Been to Roosevelt Island!
Jerry shrugs.  As the tram passes one of the support pylons, it bumps a little.
GEORGE
What was that?
JERRY
A little turbulence.  It's windy up here.
GEROGE
I'll say.  And we're so high up.  How high up do you suppose we are?
JERRY
A couple a hundred feet maybe?  Like twenty stories or so?
GEORGE
(Throws his arms around Jerry) I hate heights!  Get me off of this thing!
JERRY
How can you live in New York City and hate heights?
GEORGE
I live in Queens Jerry.  There's nothing there higher than three stories!
JERRY
Calm down.  We're almost there.
George begins to hyperventilate.  He points up at an open window.
GEORGE
Why is that window open Jerry?  Why would this thing have windows that can open?  Why?  WHY?!!?
CUT TO:
INT. PROFESSOR NUTALL'S APARTMENT -DAY
PROFESSOR MERIAM NUTALL, Late 70s, crosses the living room of his cramped apartment as he goes to answer the door. The room is covered nearly floor to ceiling with antique prints of birds and taxidermic specimens of birds. He adjusts his glasses and looks through the peep-hole.
PROF. NUTALL
Who is it?
JERRY
(O/S) It's Jerry Seinfeld Professor Nutall and my friend George.  We spoke on the phone--
PROF. NUTALL
Oh yes!  We spoke at length about the family Picidae; in particular "dryocopus pileatus"! (He opens the door)
JERRY
Yes Sir.  At looooooonnnnnggggg length.

PROF. NUTALL (Moves his face close to Jerry's)
Please come in!
GEORGE (To Jerry, under his breath)
Oh boy, we've got a close talker here.
PROF. NUTALL
Good looking young man, if I do say so!
JERRY
Oh, ah, thank you, Sir.
PROF. NUTALL
(Moving in too close on George)  A most agreeable countenance!
GEORGE
​Ah, thank you Professor, Sir.
PROF. NUTALL
Please, call me Meriam.
JERRY
"Miriam"?
PROF. NUTALL
Meeriam...
GEORGE
Like the dictionary?
PROF. NUTALL
Precisely.  And I must apologize if I'm "getting in your face" as they say; but I've misplaced my bifocals and I can't see a thing.
JERRY
Would you like us to help you look for them?
PROF. NUTALL
Oh, thank you, but no.  I think I left them at a restaurant on the mainland.
JERRY
Oh, I see...
PROF. NUTALL
​Well, I don't! (He laughs)  Do you think I could do stand-up Mr. Seinfeld?
JERRY
I don't know...maybe?
PROF. NUTALL
The world of ornithology can be quite amusing!
GEORGE
Yeah, just look at Donald Duck.  He doesn't wear pants.  Hilarious!
JERRY
What about Tweety Bird?  We can't forget Tweety Bird.
PROF. NUTALL
Oh yes, that most delightfully mischievous Serinus Canaria! (Moving towards a table covered with different taxidermy woodpeckers)  Well, here they are.  And you were interested in a specimen of the pileated variety?
JERRY
Yes, ah, Meriam.
PROF. NUTALL
(Picks up a large, red-crested woodpecker) Did you know that a woodpecker can peck some twenty times a second; with a force of up to fourteen-hundred g's?
JERRY
Actually, you did mention it, on the phone...
PROF. NUTALL
Did I tell you how they avoid concussing their brains?
JERRY
​Well, Meriam--
PROF. NUTALL
It's fascinating!  Their skulls, you see, are designed in such a way...
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Jerry and George are on a small sofa.  Prof. Nutall is still talking about birds. Jerry is doing everything he can to keep his eyes open.  George, who has drifted off, SNORTS and startles himself.
GEORGE
Who!  What!  Where!??! 
PROF. NUTALL
What?
JERRY
(Seizing opportunity)  Well, Meriam, we've gotta get going or we're going to miss this birthday party.  So, we said fifty bucks for the bird, right?
PROF. NUTALL
Yes, yes that is the sum I believe we agreed on.
JERRY
(Thrusts cash into Prof. Nutall's  hand and grabs the bird and chucks it in a shopping bag he brought)  Well thank you so much Professor--
PROF. NUTALL
Meriam!
JERRY
Yeah, whatever.  Come on George! (He's out the door)
GEORGE
Well, thank you Miriam.  That was most enlightening.
PROF. NUTALL
Meriam!
GEORGE
Yeah, whatever.  G'bye!

CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APT. -DAY
Jerry and George enter the apartment. There are racks of men's clothing everywhere. Kramer, Marissa Manoogian (now dressed as a "King") and NEWMAN are seated, watching the TV.  Newman turns from the sofa and looks at Jerry.
JERRY
Hello Newman...
NEWMAN
Hello Jerry...
JERRY
Is this my apartment or Penn Station?  What's going on?
KRAMER
King Elaine is about to make his debut and my place wasn't big enough for all the accoutrements.  Did you get the...WP?
JERRY
(Holds up shopping bag) Right here! 
ELAINE 
(Calling out from bathroom O/S) Okay, I think I'm ready...
MARISSA
(In a masculine voice) Okay Elaine...(She leaps up and stands near the table).
The bathroom door opens and Elaine comes out.  She's quite convincingly dressed as a man, in a beautifully tailored classic business suit.  She also has a mustache and a gentleman's haircut.  The "illusion" is quite convincing.
ELAINE
(In her own voice)  Well, whadaya think?
MARISSA
Out door voice Elaine; outdoor voice.
ELAINE
(Dropping her voice) Well, come on...could I pass?
GEORGE
I don't believe it!
JERRY
I gotta say...wow...
NEWMAN
It's uncanny!
KRAMER
KISMET!!!
ELAINE
I gotta say...I feel very...empowered!
MARISSA
Walk the walk, dude...
Elaine walks across the floor, very much like a woman would.
MARISSA
Elaine, we talked about this.  You've gotta lead with the beans.
ELAINE
Oh right!  "Lead with the beans."
Elaine takes a moment, slicks her hair and adjusts her crotch. She then proceeds to "lead with the beans."

 JERRY
(To Elaine)  You know, having dated you, I'm feeling very confused right now.
ELAINE
​(Sidling seductively up to Jerry) Are you man enough to handle my inner-man?
JERRY
Back away Elaine: I may not be responsible for my actions.
ELAINE
That could be taken two ways, Jer.
JERRY
​Apparently so could you.
MARISSA
Okay Elaine, keep practicing.
ELAINE
This is as good as it's gonna get.  We have to leave soon to be at that urinal by four fifteen.  Will you come with us?
MARISSA
Ah, no thanks...I sort of draw the line at urinals. (She starts for the door) Good luck...
KRAMER
Marissa, I'd like you to meet my dear friends Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza.
(Greetings are exchanged)
GEORGE
Nice to meet you Marissa.
MARISSA
I prefer "Myron" when I'm "working."
GEORGE
Oh, yeah, sorry Myron.  I've heard a lot of rave reviews at work.  This guy Charlie Sherman is a big fan!
MARISSA
(To Elaine) Isn't that the guy you're going to...see?  (Elaine nods excitedly as she continues practicing her "male" gestures)  Nice meeting you all.  (To Jerry) Who are you again?
JERRY
Well, I prefer Jerry, when I'm "working."
Marissa looks at him with a puzzled tilt of the head and leaves.  Kramer goes to the kitchen counter with the shopping bag.
KRAMER
Well, so what did you two think of Merry-am?
JERRY
"Merry-am"?  You mean, Meereeam?
KRAMER
No. "Meriam"; like the dictionary.
GEORGE
I thought he was a bird-brain.
KRAMER
Now that's cruel George.  The man is a giant in his field.  He nearly single-handedly brought back the kiwi!
JERRY
The fruit?
GEORGE
I just meant that he has birds on the brain.
NEWMAN
So Elaine, what's going to be your nom de king?
ELAINE
Art Vandelay.
GEORGE
That sounds familiar.  Why do I know that name?
Kramer looks in the shopping bag and does a double take.  His face contorts in shock and confusion.
KRAMER
Jerry...could I see you out in the hall for a moment?
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
Now, Jerry--
ELAINE
Hurry up Kramer.  It's peak peeking time!
CUT TO:
INT. THE HALLWAY -DAY
Jerry pulls the door to his apartment closed as Kramer lifts the woodpecker from the bag.
KRAMER
What is this?!!?
JERRY
It's a woodpecker.
KRAMER
Do you know what kind?
JERRY
Yeah, the one you told me to get: the pixelated one...
KRAMER
The 'pileated'!  This is an ivory-billed specimen!
JERRY
Yeah, so?
KRAMER
Jerry, this is worth thousands of dollars. Perhaps even priceless!  Muhhrium would never part with it!
JERRY
For fifty bucks he would--
KRAMER
We've got to get this back to him!
JERRY
Now?
KRAMER
Yes now!  This man's reputation is on the line!  No ornithologist worth his SALT would knowingly let this slip from his grasp!  And I will not be responsible for sullying that reputation!

​CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APT. -DAY
Jerry and Kramer come back in.  Elaine is doing some final touches on her hair in a mirror.
JERRY
You didn't cut your hair for this, did you?
ELAINE
No.  It's a wig over a cap and it itches like crazy!
JERRY
Key word here is "crazy."
ELAINE
Are you ready Kramer?
KRAMER
Sorry Elaine, something's come up...
ELAINE
But we need you for urinal blocking!
KRAMER
I'm sorry; but this is an emergency.  Take Newman.
NEWMAN
Hey, wait a minute!  You can't just volunteer my urinal blocking services!
KRAMER
You owe me several favors and I reserve the right to call one in!
NEWMAN
Well...so...what can you bring to the table Elaine?
ELAINE
There's a Fanny Farmer gift card in my purse with eleven dollars and thirty-nine cents on it.
NEWMAN
​Fanny Farmer...love those Minty Meltaways...it's a deal.
ELAINE
Well, go put on a suit and hurry up about it.
KRAMER
Outdoor voice Elaine.
ELAINE
(Deep commanding voice) Get off your ass and get dressed.
Newman leaps up and runs out of the apartment.
GEORGE
I gotta be honest.  I'm a little turned on.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROOSEVELT ISLAND TRAM TERMINAL -DAY
Jerry and Kramer are standing in a small crowd, waiting for the tram.  Kramer is holding the shopping bag.
JERRY
Say, Kramer...
KRAMER
Yes?
JERRY
How do you know Marissa?
KRAMER
Well, we met when we were both doing extra work on All My Children.
JERRY
I meant more like...how do you know her...​
KRAMER
Oh.  Well.  Jerry...as you know...I never kiss and tell.

JERRY
Well, I'm not asking for a tell all...I mean, I've never seen Marissa; but Myron is a good looking...fellah...I'm just curious...
KRAMER
Then maybe you should ask Myron...(Jerry raises his eyebrow)...or Marissa...(Jerry is nonplussed)...the tram is arriving.
The tram pulls into the station and the crowd starts pushing on to it.
JERRY
Come on Kramer...
KRAMER
My shoe came untied...(Kramer rests the shopping bag on top of the tram and crouches and ties his shoe).
JERRY
(Leaning out the door) Kramer, get in here!  You're gonna miss the ride! (He grabs Kramer by his overcoat and pulls him on to the tram.  The door closes and Kramer's coat gets caught).
CUT TO:
INT. -SKY TRAM -DAY
Kramer is stuck to the door by his coat.
KRAMER
Jerry...the bird!  I left the bird on top of the tram!
JERRY
Well, I guess we can kiss fifty bucks good-bye.
KRAMER
I can get it!  Those windows are open! (He points up at the open transom style window. He starts squirming out of his coat)
JERRY
You can't be serious...
KRAMER
Oh, I am!  I can get through that window and on to the roof!
JERRY
Kramer, it's dangerous.  You could be killed!
KRAMER
I came in third at Brooklyn Boulders '97 Wall Climb competition.
JERRY
Third?  That doesn't instill a lot of confidence.
KRAMER
Just move below the windows, give me a boost, and I'll take it from there.
Jerry shakes his head, sighs and pushes through the crowded tram.
CUT TO:
INT. PENDANT PUBLISHING MEN'S ROOM -DAY
We see the three urinals and the two stalls and the row of three sinks.  We see the feet of a BUSINESS MAN in the stall. George, Elaine (dressed as a "king" of course) and Newman in his best postal outfit, file in.  They walk slowly to the urinal area and mill around.  George keeps craning his neck downwards and the three speak in really bad stage whispers.  Also, Elaine keeps forgetting her "indoor voice" and reverts to her own.
ELAINE
What are you looking at?
GEORGE
(Pointing)  There's someone in the stall!
BUSINESS MAN
Is somebody out there?
ELAINE
(Uncertain)  Ah, yes, my good man...we three men are...peeing...here at the urinal area...
BUSINESS MAN
Terrific...ah, do you think one of you could get me some TP?  There's none in here.
ELAINE
Sure, Sir.  Happy to oblige! (To Newman) You do it!
NEWMAN
Why me?
GEORGE
You deliver things!  You're the obvious choice!
ELAINE
And why are you in your uniform?  I told you to wear a suit!
NEWMAN
I brought it to the dry cleaners three years ago...
ELAINE
Three years ago?
NEWMAN
I forgot.
GEORGE
Oh, that suit is long gone.
ELAINE
Yeah, you can just say "good-bye" to that suit.
GEORGE
Blow that suit a kiss, buddy-boy.
BUSINESS MAN
(Coughs) Ahem!
Newman tippy-pats to the other stall, gets some tissue paper and reemerges.
NEWMAN
(Tossing the toilet paper into the air) Incoming!
We hear scuffling, grunting, huffing and puffing come from the stall.  And then finally a very loud FLUSH.  The Business Man emerges.  He has a sheepish look on his face.  He also has a long train of toilet paper he is unaware of.  Also some stuck in his hair.
BUSINESS MAN
Thanks.  But you coulda just handed it to me under the stall door. 
He goes to the sink and George continues to crane his neck.
ELAINE
What are you doing?
GEORGE
I want to make sure he washes his hands...
ELAINE
Why?
GEORGE
In case I ever have to shake his hand, that's why.
The Business Man washes his hands and leaves.
GEORGE
Thank God!  What time is it?
NEWMAN
It's ten past four.
ELAINE
What are we going to do for five minutes?  What if someone else comes in?
Sure enough, the door opens and a 2ND BUSINESS MAN comes in and heads for the urinals.  Newman, Elaine and George (in that order) dash to the urinals and mime...what one does at a urinal.  The 2ND BUSINESS MAN shakes his head and goes into one of the stalls.

Elaine begins to squirm, as she's somewhat trapped by the bulk of Newman and George on either side of her.
ELAINE
(Sounding rather like Moe from The Three Stooges) Spread out a little! (She starts elbowing Newman)
NEWMAN
Hey!  Watch it, you're making me sprinkle!
ELAINE
Are you actually peeing?  You're supposed to be pretending! 
NEWMAN
I had to go!
ELAINE
Oh my God!  Don't you dare sprinkle on me! (She inadvertently looks down) Oh, hell no!
GEORGE
What?
ELAINE
I peeked.  Oh God!  I peeked at Newman. (Closes her eyes) George, please tell me you're pretending!
GEORGE
I'm pretending!  Pretending this isn't happening...Ssssshhhh!
The 2nd Business Man comes out of the stall and gives the trio a concerned glance as he goes to the sink.  George follows him.
ELAINE 
Where are you going?
GEORGE
I'm making sure he washes his hands!
ELAINE
Come back here!
George follows the 2nd Business man who doesn't wash his hands.  
GEORGE
Unbelievable!
A 3RD BUSINESS MAN enters and makes a bee-line for the urinal that George vacated.  Elaine starts nudging Newman.
NEWMAN
What?
ELAINE
You've got to move!  
She elbows Newman who yelps and then goes into a stall.  Elaine moves to the first urinal, leaving the middle one empty.  The 3rd Business Man seems oblivious.  George now takes the middle urinal as the bathroom door opens and Charlie Sherman enters.  He takes the urinal that the 3rd Business man now vacates; thus thwarting Elaine's Prime Peak.
CHARLIE
Oh, hey Georgie!
GEORGE
Hey Charlie...
CHARLIE
How's it going?
GEORGE
Just finishing up here.  Really had to go!
CHARLIE
​I hear ya...(noticing Elaine who is now looking up at the ceiling) Pardon me, but aren't you Myron Manoogian, the comic?
ELAINE
Are you talking to me?
CHARLIE
You are Myron Manoogian!  I'd recognize that voice anywhere. I'm a huge fan! (He reaches in front of George's face, extending a hand; which Elaine reluctantly shakes)
ELAINE
I think you've mistaken me for someone else.  I'm Art Vandelay.
CHARLIE
(To George) What a kidder!  Didn't I tell you this guy was fantastic?
GEORGE
I'll let you two get better acquainted.
George dashes to the sink and starts furiously washing his hands.  A 4TH BUSINESS MAN enters and takes the middle urinal; again thwarting Elaine.  Charlie flushes and goes to the sink.  Elaine finally throws in the towel and goes to the sink.
CHARLIE
I love the bit you do about the old lady in the delicatessen with her toy poodle.  Could you do that bit for me?
GEORGE
Yeah, come on Myron...do the bit.
Charlie takes off his suit jacket, then his tie.
CHARLIE
Oh, do you know each other?
GEORGE
Sure, sure...say, how did we meet anyways Myron?
ELAINE
​When we were, ah, both, uhhm...stockboys! In Bloomingdale's brassierre department.  Summer of '77!  Good times!  Yeah, so...the poodle bit...(Doing a sort of Rodney Dangerfield thing)  So, there was this old lady...and she had a toy poodle...
(Charlie takes off his shirt and starts washing his armpits.  Elaine's eyes widen) And so, she's goes into the deli and she wants to...she wants to...
The camera does a series of close ZOOMS, cutting between Elaine's incredulous eyes and Charlie's prodigiously hairy back.
​CUT TO:
INT. ROOSEVELT SKY TRAM -DAY
Jerry crouches down and clasps his hands together to give Kramer a boost.
JERRY
I can't believe I'm doing this.  Oh, wait.  I can believe I'm doing this.
He hoists Kramer who clasps the widow sill and starts wriggling through the tight opening.
CUT TO:
​EXT. SKY TRAM -DAY
We see Kramer come through the window.  He hangs on to the sill with one hand as he tries to find a foothold.  The woodpecker is in the shopping bag, right where Kramer left it.  The camera ZOOMS in on the face of a shocked COMMUTER WOMAN as she points out the window.
CUT TO:
INT. SKY TRAM -DAY
Everyone is pressed against the windows, watching Kramer as he nonchalantly starts clambering up to the roof.  Jerry detaches himself from the commotion, trying to be nonchalant himself.
COMMUTER WOMAN
He's going to jump!  Conducter...STOP THIS TRAM!
CUT TO:
EXT. SKY TRAM -DAY
The tram comes to an abrupt halt, twenty stories over the East River.  Kramer, who now has the shopping bag in his hand, loses his footing with the jolt of the tram and falls over the side.  Fortunately, his pants catch on a metal latch.  The wind starts rocking the tram and Kramer bangs against the window.  His underwear has also been hung on the latch and with each bang Kramer proceeds to get a wedgie.  He removes his belt and loops it through an O ring.  His pants fall off and are taken by the wind.  CLOSE on Kramer's underwear, which is starting to split.
KRAMER
Uhh-oh!
CUT TO:
INT. PENDANT PUBLISHING MEN'S ROOM -DAY
Charlie is finishing up his ablutions.  Elaine has loosened her tie.  She's covered in sweat and her wig is slipping.
CHARLIE
No, that's not how it goes.  The poodle ends up in the potato salad and the old lady says--
ELAINE
I can't take it anymore!
CHARLIE
No, that's not it--
ELAINE
​(Freaking out) SASQUATCH!  SO ITCHY! IT'S SO ITCHY! OOOH DO I ITCH!!! (She starts scratching at her wig) SASQUATCH! (She SCREAMS and rushes out of the bathroom. We hear her voice receding as she runs down the hall) SASSSSSSSSSSQUAAAAATCH!
CHARLIE
What's his problem?
GEORGE
He can only take being in a bathroom for so long.  He has...ahh...tile-a-phobia...
CHARLIE
So, why is he yelling "Sasquatch"? (he goes to the blower and starts drying his underarms).
GEORGE
Oh, yeah...well, you know...(looks around) It's a brand of tile...
NEWMAN
(LOUDLY O/S)  Could somebody get me some TP?  Please?  Anybody?

CUT TO:
INT. SKY TRAM -DAY
We see what the occupants of the tram are seeing: Kramer's rear end in a pair of tighty-whities that are proceeding to tear in half.  Once they do, the visuals are PIXELATED.  Kramer's butt keeps slapping against the glass.
LADY COMMUTER
Dear God!  That poor man's tuchus is geschwollen!
There is more or less pandemonium inside the tram car.  A gust of wind sends it swinging and Kramer, clutching his belt and his overcoat (which is still stuck in the door) bounces into the void and returns, now his front side, pressed against the glass.
LADY COMMUTER
Oy gevalt!  (Through the glass, to Kramer)  Mister, we can see your schvantz!
CUT TO :
EXT. TRAM CAR -DAY
Kramer tries to cover his schvantz with the shopping bag, loses control of it and the woodpecker falls out.  The wind takes the woodpecker, it's wings now spread, and sends it sweeping over the Eastside skyline.
CUT TO:
INT. SKY TRAM -DAY
JERRY
(To Lady Commuter)  Do you think he's in the eighty-ninth percentile?
LADY COMMUTER
(Puts on her readers) More or less...
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT -DAY
TWO WEEKS LATER
Jerry is at the kitchen counter, making a sandwich.  George and Elaine are at the table, where the latter has a Big Salad in front of her.
JERRY
So, at least you got a peek at Newman, right?  Tell me again, is he wrapped or unwrapped?
ELAINE
I don't want to talk about that anymore Jerry!  Please, just let me enjoy my Big Naked Salad in peace.
GEORGE
(Lowers the newspaper he's reading)  What happened to your unsalad?
ELAINE
I got tired of those; besides, a naked salad is better for you.
JERRY
And what, pray tell, is a "naked" salad?
ELAINE
It's a salad with just the greens.
GEORGE
No dressing?  No croutons?  No crackers?
ELAINE
Nope.
GEORGE
So it's raw?
ELAINE
All salads are "raw" George.  Nobody "cooks" a salad--(noticing something in the paper) Let me see that--(she grabs paper)  Oh, now this is interesting--(reads)--"Several bird-watching Manhattanites recently reported that an Ivory Billed woodpecker was seen flying over Lexington Avenue.  Eminent ornithologist Marry-hem...Merry-umm? Mermiam?
GEORGE
(Enunciating) Mahre-eee-uhmm...
JERRY
(Enunciating) Mah-Rye-ohm...
ELAINE
Whatever--"...Nutall when reached for comment, explained that the odds of the bird being an actual Ivory Billed were two point two trillion to one, as the bird is now thought to be extinct--"  Wow, two point two trillion!  
JERRY
Yeah.  Wow.
GEORGE
Wow. Wow doesn't cover it.
The phone rings and Jerry answers it.
JERRY
Hello?  Oh, hi Mom!
CUT TO:
EXT. FLORIDA BEACH -DAY
MR. AND MRS. SEINFELD are walking down the beach.  Several seagulls fly above them, squawking.
MRS. SEINFELD
Your father and I are at the beach.  We're actually calling from the beach!  Your father won one of these newfangled "cell" phone things in a raffle.
JERRY
Oh, that's nice.
MRS. SEINFELD
So is Kramer out of the hospital yet?
JERRY
No...
MRS. SEINFELD
Why not?
JERRY
Well, once the seventy-two hour observation was over, Kramer decided to stay for a while.  He says he's made some interesting new friends.
MRS. SEINFELD
Well, Bellevue or not, they couldn't be any crazier than you, George and Elaine!
JERRY
From your lips, Ma.
MRS. SEINFELD
Well, I just wanted to check in.  Your father and I are going out for dinner.  Jerry, have you ever heard of an unsalad?
(The Seinfelds proceed down a boardwalk.  Mr. Seinfeld notices something and tries to get Mrs. Seinfeld's attention).  What Morty?  Stop bothering me!  Can't you see I'm on the phone?
MR. SEINFELD
What kind of seagull was that?
JERRY
What's he saying?
MRS. SEINFELD
Who knows?  Something about a bird...
They continue walking and the camera pans a row of seagulls sitting on the railing.  The camera comes to an abrupt stop, PANS back and ZOOMS in on the Ivory Billed woodpecker specimen.
OUT
TAG
INT. BELLEVUE HOSPITAL COMMON ROOM -DAY
Kramer, in a bathrobe and pajamas, lights his cigar.  He's sitting with a group of similarly attired PATIENTS.  He raises a remote.
KRAMER
I wonder what's going on in Pine Valley today.  I hope Erica bounces back from that head trauma!
He puffs his cigar, clicks on the TV.  Freeze frame.
ROLL CREDITS
END

CFR 2/16/23