The other day I read a very amusing "Open Letter to Jake Gyllenhaal" by a Ms. Misty Rae on Medium. She was imploring Mr. Gyllenhaal to not go through with the pending remake of 1989's Road House; and I must say, I agree with her. Now, don't get me wrong, I would be the first in line to purchase a ticket to see Mr. G. in various stages of undress; which the role would require; including an extended "butt-shot" for no other reason than to showcase a glorious man-ass. And if Sam Elliott reprised his role, I might have to put a cold compress on my forehead.
Nothing homoerotic here...
And we know Jake is going to have to go through a grueling, sweat-drenched, pounding, steamy, grunting, groaning, iron pumping, pumping, pumping workout regimen which just might end up- as a mini-documentary on the Making of Road House 2022 bonus disc on the forthcoming Blu-Ray, in order to bring his physique to tip-top, Zeusian levels in order to properly play the character of "Dalton." We know this. Jake commits.
And we know Jake is going to have to go through a grueling, sweat-drenched, pounding, steamy, grunting, groaning, iron pumping, pumping, pumping workout regimen which just might end up- as a mini-documentary on the Making of Road House 2022 bonus disc on the forthcoming Blu-Ray, in order to bring his physique to tip-top, Zeusian levels in order to properly play the character of "Dalton." We know this. Jake commits.
But the thing is. Nobody wants a remake of Road House. It's a lousy movie. Terrible script. Dumb acting. Lousy plot. It's stupid. It's brain-dead. Delightfully so; but it's brain-dead. The only reason Road House works is because of Patrick Swayze. It is Patrick's signature film. The movie is Patrick; Patrick is the movie. That's why it's become a cult film: because Patrick Swayze. Whatever it was that made Patrick Swayze, Patrick Swayze was lightning caught in a bottle by that movie. It is pointless to remake it.
And don't even get me started on the complete lack of originality in mainstream movies. I know it. They know it. We know it and you know it.
But, if you insist...may I throw in my two cents?
You've hired Conor McGregor for a role. That has some very interesting possibilities. So, might I suggest you throw out the Road House script and revisit Brokeback territory?
And don't even get me started on the complete lack of originality in mainstream movies. I know it. They know it. We know it and you know it.
But, if you insist...may I throw in my two cents?
You've hired Conor McGregor for a role. That has some very interesting possibilities. So, might I suggest you throw out the Road House script and revisit Brokeback territory?
Nothing homoerotic here, either.
The new, revamped product is called: Uncaged Hearts. It is the story of a hungry (and thirsty) but on the skids Mixed Martial Arts/Cage Fighter/Thunderdoming dude named Henry Notlad. That would be Jake's role. He's trying to make a comeback; and so he travels to Scotland, where a legendary trainer named Seamus O'Toole (played by WWE's Sheamus) puts him through his paces on the Scottish highlands. In nothing but a kilt, Jake could gift the world with his first full-frontal scene in a meet-cute scenario where Seamus flips the cocky fighter over his back and out of his kilt and onto the grass. Now hear me out, Jake. Male full-frontal is all the rage right now and I think we can all agree, the time is right! And oh, yeah, along for the ride is Henry's girlfriend, Maggie. She's played by Heidi Gardner in full on "Girlfriend of the Boxer in Every Boxing Movie Ever Made." She's there to nag Jake and get suspicious, later in the movie, when Jake and Conor have a no-holds barred, torrid as F love match.
The new, revamped product is called: Uncaged Hearts. It is the story of a hungry (and thirsty) but on the skids Mixed Martial Arts/Cage Fighter/Thunderdoming dude named Henry Notlad. That would be Jake's role. He's trying to make a comeback; and so he travels to Scotland, where a legendary trainer named Seamus O'Toole (played by WWE's Sheamus) puts him through his paces on the Scottish highlands. In nothing but a kilt, Jake could gift the world with his first full-frontal scene in a meet-cute scenario where Seamus flips the cocky fighter over his back and out of his kilt and onto the grass. Now hear me out, Jake. Male full-frontal is all the rage right now and I think we can all agree, the time is right! And oh, yeah, along for the ride is Henry's girlfriend, Maggie. She's played by Heidi Gardner in full on "Girlfriend of the Boxer in Every Boxing Movie Ever Made." She's there to nag Jake and get suspicious, later in the movie, when Jake and Conor have a no-holds barred, torrid as F love match.
Nope, still nothing homoerotic.
Cesaro can be in the movie too, as one of the Highland gamers. Seamus puts Jake through a grueling, grunting, sweating pumping Highland Games montage where Jake must win at contests like Caber tossing, Stone Putting, log-rolling etc. There's even an adorable scene of Jake learning how to play the bagpipes and do a jig (again, giving rising opportunity to flapping kilts and flashes of Jake-jewels)!
Cesaro can be in the movie too, as one of the Highland gamers. Seamus puts Jake through a grueling, grunting, sweating pumping Highland Games montage where Jake must win at contests like Caber tossing, Stone Putting, log-rolling etc. There's even an adorable scene of Jake learning how to play the bagpipes and do a jig (again, giving rising opportunity to flapping kilts and flashes of Jake-jewels)!
Okay, maybe a wee bit homoerotic...
So, after Seamus whips Jake into fine, fighting, form; it's off to the Emerald Isle for the Dublin Grand International Cage Fighting Championships. The current reigning Champ is McGregor "Greg" O'Connor, played by Conor McGregor, natch (bonus--won't have to change tummy tatt!). A couple of nights before The Big Encounter In The Cage, Jake is showing off his newly acquired bag-piping skills on the Irish bagpipes (a.k.a. Uilleann pipes; which are held in the lap, rather than under the arm; but Henry is a quick study!). Jake, thinking he has blown the roof off of the pub; watches as a lad in dark glasses with a cap pulled over his eyes takes the stage and picks up the Irish drum known as the Bodhran. This mystery musician pulls out the stops and soon it's a musical showdown between him and Jake. This can all be part of a cover of The Chieftains "The Timpan Reel."
So, after Seamus whips Jake into fine, fighting, form; it's off to the Emerald Isle for the Dublin Grand International Cage Fighting Championships. The current reigning Champ is McGregor "Greg" O'Connor, played by Conor McGregor, natch (bonus--won't have to change tummy tatt!). A couple of nights before The Big Encounter In The Cage, Jake is showing off his newly acquired bag-piping skills on the Irish bagpipes (a.k.a. Uilleann pipes; which are held in the lap, rather than under the arm; but Henry is a quick study!). Jake, thinking he has blown the roof off of the pub; watches as a lad in dark glasses with a cap pulled over his eyes takes the stage and picks up the Irish drum known as the Bodhran. This mystery musician pulls out the stops and soon it's a musical showdown between him and Jake. This can all be part of a cover of The Chieftains "The Timpan Reel."
A mutual respect is met. The two men shake hands. Jake notices a tattoo of a human heart on his opponent's wrist when his sleeve rises up. The mystery musician disappears into the night...
Later, after several drinks, Jake goes out to the phone booth to call Maggie who is still in Boston. Yeah, Jake is from Boston, simply because I want to hear him do the accent. It's one of those cool, retro, UK phone booths (in Ireland, they're green). When he exits the booth, the Mystery Musician in leaning against the wall of an alley, smoking a cigarette. "You take to those pipes, boy..." he says.
"And you can really pound a drum." Jake replies.
Mystery Man heads down the alley and turns a corner. Jake follows. He sees the Mystery Man slip through a door. He follows again into a dimly lit store room. What happens next is intense, explosive and shocking!* And it's over much too soon. Jake is left alone, his massive chest heaving, on a mattress on the floor; his life changed. He has had an epiphany on every level. Who was this phantom lover? This lover of music and unbridled lust? He must meet him again! He must! But how?
CUT TO:
The next day at the weigh in for the first round of the competition, Jake and Conor strip down. They have never met. McGregor is weirdly quiet and dismissive of Henry. They stand side by side on scales. That's when Jakes sees it. The human heart tattoo on Conor's wrist!
Let's just say that the first round of fighting is strange, super intense and kind of awkward.
So you get the idea. That's the set-up. Acts two and three are about the conflicts arising from being in love and having to pummel and karate kick your lover. And in a switch-up, it's actually Conor's character, the hyper-masculine one, that's the dude who's fallen hard. He's the one who wants them to run off together to a cottage in the dunes of Tralee.
"And you can really pound a drum." Jake replies.
Mystery Man heads down the alley and turns a corner. Jake follows. He sees the Mystery Man slip through a door. He follows again into a dimly lit store room. What happens next is intense, explosive and shocking!* And it's over much too soon. Jake is left alone, his massive chest heaving, on a mattress on the floor; his life changed. He has had an epiphany on every level. Who was this phantom lover? This lover of music and unbridled lust? He must meet him again! He must! But how?
CUT TO:
The next day at the weigh in for the first round of the competition, Jake and Conor strip down. They have never met. McGregor is weirdly quiet and dismissive of Henry. They stand side by side on scales. That's when Jakes sees it. The human heart tattoo on Conor's wrist!
Let's just say that the first round of fighting is strange, super intense and kind of awkward.
So you get the idea. That's the set-up. Acts two and three are about the conflicts arising from being in love and having to pummel and karate kick your lover. And in a switch-up, it's actually Conor's character, the hyper-masculine one, that's the dude who's fallen hard. He's the one who wants them to run off together to a cottage in the dunes of Tralee.
And don't worry about Maggie. When she flies to Ireland to nag Jake, she meets Seamus and there are instant sparks!
So do Conor and Jake end up happily ever after?
Yes. Yes they do. Nobody dies. Nobody is gay bashed. Nobody dies of HIV related complications. Nobody commits suicide. There's even a touching scene at dawn, when Jake is out on the beach about to leave and Conor throws himself at Jake's feet and sobbing, begs him not to go. Through tears and a thick Irish brogue he pleads: "You're the only one who's ever made me happy, Henry!" Emotional kiss. Fade out. The End.
Whadda ya think?
I think the ladies, at least, will flock to it. And gay dudes too, of course. But hey, it's arguably nearly as homoerotic as Road House, imho.
P.S. Dear Conor McGregor: Please don't hit me.
Yes. Yes they do. Nobody dies. Nobody is gay bashed. Nobody dies of HIV related complications. Nobody commits suicide. There's even a touching scene at dawn, when Jake is out on the beach about to leave and Conor throws himself at Jake's feet and sobbing, begs him not to go. Through tears and a thick Irish brogue he pleads: "You're the only one who's ever made me happy, Henry!" Emotional kiss. Fade out. The End.
Whadda ya think?
I think the ladies, at least, will flock to it. And gay dudes too, of course. But hey, it's arguably nearly as homoerotic as Road House, imho.
P.S. Dear Conor McGregor: Please don't hit me.
CFR 8/20/22
*Would having them both in kilts during this scene be too much?
Addendum: That adorable gentleman above is not me. He is Ruairi Glasheen (what a name!). And watching this charmer's video, I kinda really want to take up the Bodhran!
I think Colin Farrell needs to be in this movie too. Maybe he could play Jake's brother, which is the impetus to get Jake to Scotland. And Ewan McGregor. Ewan will give you butt! (Refer to Velvet Goldmine):
*Would having them both in kilts during this scene be too much?
Addendum: That adorable gentleman above is not me. He is Ruairi Glasheen (what a name!). And watching this charmer's video, I kinda really want to take up the Bodhran!
I think Colin Farrell needs to be in this movie too. Maybe he could play Jake's brother, which is the impetus to get Jake to Scotland. And Ewan McGregor. Ewan will give you butt! (Refer to Velvet Goldmine):
Also, I think with a few pointers, Sheamus could get nominated for at least a Golden Globe. He's a diamond in the rough:
I'm starting to love this project idea so much, I just may have to write a screenplay. If I do, I'll post it on a future blog. I know nothing about cage fighting, so I"m just gonna make shit up.
8/23/22
8/23/22