Showbiz Chat: The Brady's

I was invited backstage with the Brady family for the reboot of their variety show: The New Brady Family Shin-Dig! which is going to be streaming on a device near you very shortly.  I sat down with the gang between takes to talk about wine, women, men and songs.  And sequins and buttons and bows and the whole shebang!
Chris Reidy:  Hi Brady's!
Brady's: Hi Chris!!!
CR: You all look fantastic!  It's like none of you have aged since 1977!
Carol Brady: Oh Chris, you scamp!  It is 1977!
CR: Oh.  Sure.  Uhh, it sure looks like it...
Mike Brady:  What brings you to our town?
CR: I was visiting some friends.  Every now and then I miss L.A.
MB: Who's "Ellay"?
CR: Pardon?
MB: Chris has a girlfriend!
CR: Sure.  Whatever. What town do you live in?  It's never mentioned on your show...
Greg Brady: We live in the neighborhood, silly.
CR: I'm a little confused.  Tell me Florence, what did it feel like to be America's Mom?
(Everyone looks around confused)
Cindy Brady: Who's Florence?  Another girlfriend?
(At this point, Scott Rubin, producer of The New Brady Family Shin-Dig! rushes in and throws a bagel with limburger at my head, narrowly missing me).
Scott Rubin: (raising a remote control and hitting a button; the Brady's freeze (in fear, I assume): You frickin' moron!  One more question and I woulda have to reset their algorithms! 
CR: Who's Al Gorithem? (rimshot).
SR: You're fired.  Get out!
CR: You can't fire me.  I was invited by the Krofft family.
SR: I don't care if you were invited by frickin' Witchiepoo...
CR: Look Mr. Rubin, I'm doing this interview whether you like it or not; so why don't you just take a deep breath and we can have a nice, adult conversation.
SR: (takes a foot-long Slim Jim out of his jacket pocket and takes a bite)  I will sue your ass if you screw this up for me.
CR: (glancing at the Brady's, who are still frozen in place.  Then, in a stage whisper): Why are they not moving...?
SR: (Does a Three Stooges group slap to the Brady's.  No reaction):  They're holograms you dunce!
CR: Holograms?
SR: I just said that.
CR: You mean they're Artificial Intelligence?
SR: Well, you got the first part right.  Didn't you wonder why you were talking to the late Robert Reed and the late Florence Henderson?
CR:  Oh yeah!
(An assistant tip-toes in and taps Mr. Rubin on the shoulder):
Assistant: Oh, ah, Mr. Rubin.  I think they're towing your Rolls Royce...
SR: (Lashing out with the Slim Jim)  I TOLD YOU TO STAY IN THE CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Assistant: But the L.A.P.D. forced me to leave the vehicle at gunpoint...
SR: So?
Assistant: Well, you were blocking a major artery!
SR: (Running out) YOU'RE FRIGGIN' FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CR: (Picking up remote control): I wonder what this button does? (pushes button).

CR: Well, that was something.
Assistant: Actually, I programmed the number.
CR: It's some kind of genius.  You know, you look a lot like the "Jan" hologram...​
Assistant: That's the fake Jan!  I am the real Jan!!! (removes Geri Reischl mask).
CR: Eve Plumb!  But why?
Eve Plumb: Geri! Geri! Geri!  That's all I ever hear.  Somehow the fake Jan is more popular than the real Jan; which is me, Jan--err--Eve Plumb!
CR: I'm a little confused...
EP: You're confused?  Try being me for a day!
CR: Sure Jan.  I mean Eve.  It seems like you can't make up your mind about being Jan Brady.  I mean, one minute you're turning the role down and the next minute you're orchestrating whatever this is...and weren't you in the Baby Secret commercial?  What was that about?

EP: I don't want to talk about it...
CR: And then you played a teen-age hooker in that TV movie, Dawn...
ER: She was a runaway!
CR: Sure Eve.  And then you played Beth March in a TV version of Little Women along side Laurie Partridge...

EP: All right!  What do you want me to say?  I've had an erratic career!!!
CR: You know, a lot of us thought that Jan was the only sane person in that house.  No wonder you became a runaway.
EP: Really?
CR: Really.  But Eve; this has got to go.  It's got to stop.  We can't turn these holograms into show business slaves.  We dont' have the right!
EP: Are you advocating for the rights of Artificial Intelligence that has become sentient; like in that new 20th movie, Free Guy?
CR:  I suppose so.  And might I just say that I find it the height of irony that Disney is using plot-lines involving intellectual property theft?  With a straight face? 
EP: It's 20th studios...
CR: Sure Jan.  But anyway, since you've been fired and you're so rebellious; how about reprogramming these Bradygrams to follow Mr. Rubin wherever he goes, whatever he does and serenade him with Brady hits like: "Good Time Music" and classics like, "Baby Face"?
EP:  I can do that.  I got my degree from ITT technical college.  (She pulls out a laptop and gets to work.  Soon, the Brady holograms come to life and start boogie-ing (boogeying?).
Marcia Brady:  This is so groovy!
Peter Brady:  It's time to change!
Bobby Brady: We've got to rearrange!
(At this point, Mr. Rubin returns)
SR:  WHAT THE FREAK IS GOING ON?  WHY AREN'T THESE CLODS REHEARSING?  THEY'RE FIRED!
The Bradys: You can't fire us!  We quit! (They circle him and start singing "Hooray For Hollywood").
SR:  AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (He runs from the theater as the Brady's give chase, singing at the top of their lungs).
CR: Well, all's well that ends well!
EP: Sure Chris.
(Sid and Marty Krofft wander out from backstage, carrying the H.R. Pufnstuf costume).
Sid Krofft: Well Eve, since you killed our Brady show you better put this on.  We got a curtain going up tonight.
EP:  The show must go on!
CR: Sure Jan.
(Sound of deflating trumpet).

• Music 4: comical trombone outro

And, scene.

Note: Don't ask me.