So, they say, "write what you know." So I know what it was like to be a page. So, I think I should write a sitcom that's about pages. Why it hasn't been done already is kind of a mystery. I know there was a page on 30 Rock. I didn't watch that show with any kind of regularity but I do know he was played by Jack McBrayer. I don't know how far or deep the show went into his character's life or the actual duties of a page (NBC's pages may have had different duties than Paramount pages...); but I think they nailed the uniform.
In another of those "boy, what a small world" moments: one of the first shows I did in Roanoke was an evening of Christopher Durang and the star of the show was this really interesting guy who was a bit younger than me. He had prematurely gray hair (which I find a turn-on). He kind of disappeared from the local acting scene. He was also a lawyer(!?!). We got to chatting in the dressing room and it turned out, his college roommate was Jack McBrayer. Two degrees of Reidy-ation; which would make me three degrees from Tina Fey.
Speaking of Tina Fey; I'm entering her orbit again. Her hair-space. She created the character of "Kenneth Parcell." She went to UVA (along with Edgar Allen Poe) which is pretty close to where I live. I just saw her this past weekend in A Haunting In Venice; and I gotta give props where props are due: the Teenz killed it! Tina, I think you should do a straight up dramatic role for your next project. Comedic people usually have a deep, dark river running just below and beside the funny bone. Might I suggest a remake of Network with a script by, oh, I don't know...me. Or maybe Aaron Sorkin or some other prestigious scribe. Or maybe you even, Tina! Of course, you'd play "Diana Christensen." Hey, baby, it won Faye D. the Oscar. Just sayin'
Speaking of Tina Fey; I'm entering her orbit again. Her hair-space. She created the character of "Kenneth Parcell." She went to UVA (along with Edgar Allen Poe) which is pretty close to where I live. I just saw her this past weekend in A Haunting In Venice; and I gotta give props where props are due: the Teenz killed it! Tina, I think you should do a straight up dramatic role for your next project. Comedic people usually have a deep, dark river running just below and beside the funny bone. Might I suggest a remake of Network with a script by, oh, I don't know...me. Or maybe Aaron Sorkin or some other prestigious scribe. Or maybe you even, Tina! Of course, you'd play "Diana Christensen." Hey, baby, it won Faye D. the Oscar. Just sayin'
Tina...you really kinda look like her! But don't go down that "don't you know who I am," route. Don't evah change Tina. Isn't it weird to think she was married to Peter Wolf? For like, four years. I mean, like, what did they talk about?
Also, Faye and I are alumnisses. Is that a word? We both went to B.U. Let's see if I can Reidy-ate myself to her. Oh, I can; through a fellow page, no less. One of my co-pages worked in a hair salon in Beverly Hills. As he told the story, one fine day, Ms. Dunaway sauntered in, with no appointment and sat in a chair. Once attended to, she requested a Diet Coke. "Miss Dunaway," he replied, "we don't have Diet Coke..." She replied: "I saw a vending machine down the block..." A Diet Coke was procured and proffered. She looked at the can, then, after a moment she sighed and said: "...ah, ICE?" When her Coke was quaffed and her coiffure assured, she stood up and marched towards the door. "Put it on my account!" she exclaimed. "But Miss Dunaway, you don't have an account--" But alas, Dunaway was out the door.
Also, Faye and I are alumnisses. Is that a word? We both went to B.U. Let's see if I can Reidy-ate myself to her. Oh, I can; through a fellow page, no less. One of my co-pages worked in a hair salon in Beverly Hills. As he told the story, one fine day, Ms. Dunaway sauntered in, with no appointment and sat in a chair. Once attended to, she requested a Diet Coke. "Miss Dunaway," he replied, "we don't have Diet Coke..." She replied: "I saw a vending machine down the block..." A Diet Coke was procured and proffered. She looked at the can, then, after a moment she sighed and said: "...ah, ICE?" When her Coke was quaffed and her coiffure assured, she stood up and marched towards the door. "Put it on my account!" she exclaimed. "But Miss Dunaway, you don't have an account--" But alas, Dunaway was out the door.
Anyhoose...
Let's get back to our sitcom!
So, since we've had such success with this method for "Cheeseheads" and "Heartfight" and "Looking For Mr. Goodwill" and the "Seinfeld" spec script; I say we continue in this vein!
Let's get back to our sitcom!
So, since we've had such success with this method for "Cheeseheads" and "Heartfight" and "Looking For Mr. Goodwill" and the "Seinfeld" spec script; I say we continue in this vein!
So script notes will be in red and italicized. You know how this works. And then, when we're almost finished, I will wrap it up in secrecy, then register it with the WGA and then re-blog the entire script in its proper format. Capice? Capice!
Okay...
So, I went about this one a little differently this time. With "Cheeseheads," the premise and story-line came about as randomly as the names of the characters (and the randomness of my husband's mind). This time, I know what the premise is and exactly who some of the characters will be; but there is still a certain element of chance, as my husband, again, supplied a lot of the names, ages and occupations of the prospective characters.
Of course, in real life, my experience as a page happened in the mid 90's; just when a lot of new tech was emerging: smart phones, the internet, etc. But I don't want to set this in the past. I mean, that tech hasn't really changed all that much; but it has changed the way we interact. The tech has merely advanced (and as much as I fear and loathe what's coming; we could still have some fun with AI and robotics, etc. For example, one of our characters goes on a virtual reality date with say, Marilyn Monroe or whatever. Hilarity WILL ensue!). Also, in reality, my page days played out mostly on the Paramount lot. We ushered shows, gave tours (three hour tours!) and sometimes worked in offices on the lot. Or in the tried and true "mailroom." I did a little bit of everything. But I don't want to ground this in the reality of a real corporate entity. I can have way more fun if I make things up and have that: "Oh, is that supposed to be Warner Brothers; or; "Oh, is that supposed to be Sherry Lansing?" Sherry was the high mucky-muck at Paramount during my tenure. She seemed really nice. I grazed her shoulder once during a Paramount Christmas party. Not on purpose! Now there's an idea: the employee as sexual predator towards the boss! Or wait, did they do that? Was that the plot of some Michael Douglas movie? If it wasn't, it should've been!
Okay...so...our studio has to have a name, similar to Paramount; but not "Paramount." How about "Penultimate"? Oh, yeah, that works. 'Cuz you can get in the irony that nobody in Hollywood seems to know that "Penultimate" means "second to last." Hilarious! Oh, and Paramount Plus? You get first dibs on this property; for old times' sake.
This is going to be a "long haul" series of blogs, so keep coming back to see what happens on "Pages!" the sitcom!!!
Okay...
So, I went about this one a little differently this time. With "Cheeseheads," the premise and story-line came about as randomly as the names of the characters (and the randomness of my husband's mind). This time, I know what the premise is and exactly who some of the characters will be; but there is still a certain element of chance, as my husband, again, supplied a lot of the names, ages and occupations of the prospective characters.
Of course, in real life, my experience as a page happened in the mid 90's; just when a lot of new tech was emerging: smart phones, the internet, etc. But I don't want to set this in the past. I mean, that tech hasn't really changed all that much; but it has changed the way we interact. The tech has merely advanced (and as much as I fear and loathe what's coming; we could still have some fun with AI and robotics, etc. For example, one of our characters goes on a virtual reality date with say, Marilyn Monroe or whatever. Hilarity WILL ensue!). Also, in reality, my page days played out mostly on the Paramount lot. We ushered shows, gave tours (three hour tours!) and sometimes worked in offices on the lot. Or in the tried and true "mailroom." I did a little bit of everything. But I don't want to ground this in the reality of a real corporate entity. I can have way more fun if I make things up and have that: "Oh, is that supposed to be Warner Brothers; or; "Oh, is that supposed to be Sherry Lansing?" Sherry was the high mucky-muck at Paramount during my tenure. She seemed really nice. I grazed her shoulder once during a Paramount Christmas party. Not on purpose! Now there's an idea: the employee as sexual predator towards the boss! Or wait, did they do that? Was that the plot of some Michael Douglas movie? If it wasn't, it should've been!
Okay...so...our studio has to have a name, similar to Paramount; but not "Paramount." How about "Penultimate"? Oh, yeah, that works. 'Cuz you can get in the irony that nobody in Hollywood seems to know that "Penultimate" means "second to last." Hilarious! Oh, and Paramount Plus? You get first dibs on this property; for old times' sake.
This is going to be a "long haul" series of blogs, so keep coming back to see what happens on "Pages!" the sitcom!!!
PAGES
a sitcom pilot by Christopher F. Reidy and J.R.Butts
TEASER
INT. GLENDALE FEDERAL BANK LOAN FILE VAULT -DAY
As we FADE UP; the CAMERA lingers on two blank gray metallic spaces, bisected on the vertical by a black line. We hear the funky, groovy opening strains of "Sunshine Day" by the Brady Kids. The gray spaces part, revealing shelving units stuffed to the gills with manila folders, bursting at the seams with documents. The camera tracks down the claustrophobic space until it comes to a stop at the other end, where there is a second space. A young man, dressed like Greg Brady in all his 70's finery steps out and begins to sing. He walks towards the camera, which now tracks back down the same space. Singing his little heart out is COOPER REILLY, mid-20's. He is holding a prop microphone. Behind him are two young women. The first, playing "Marcia Brady" in a blonde wig, is JENNIFER BARTLETT, mid-20's. She too is singing into a prop mic. Finally, behind her is ILKA MYRNOFF, early 20's. She is the "youngest one in curls" "Cindy Brady." And she also is singing into a prop mic. The trio emerge into a small area of the vault, where numerous delighted CO-WORKERS comprise the audience. Some people are nibbling at fast food, as it is lunch time.
COOPER, JENNIFER AND ILKA
(Singing in unison): ...I gotta get out, gotta get out, gotta get away...I gotta get away, get away, get away, get away...
Into the sunshine day...
COOPER
(Solo) ...Can't you dig the sunshine? Now it's all but the same. Can't you hear him callin' your name?
a sitcom pilot by Christopher F. Reidy and J.R.Butts
TEASER
INT. GLENDALE FEDERAL BANK LOAN FILE VAULT -DAY
As we FADE UP; the CAMERA lingers on two blank gray metallic spaces, bisected on the vertical by a black line. We hear the funky, groovy opening strains of "Sunshine Day" by the Brady Kids. The gray spaces part, revealing shelving units stuffed to the gills with manila folders, bursting at the seams with documents. The camera tracks down the claustrophobic space until it comes to a stop at the other end, where there is a second space. A young man, dressed like Greg Brady in all his 70's finery steps out and begins to sing. He walks towards the camera, which now tracks back down the same space. Singing his little heart out is COOPER REILLY, mid-20's. He is holding a prop microphone. Behind him are two young women. The first, playing "Marcia Brady" in a blonde wig, is JENNIFER BARTLETT, mid-20's. She too is singing into a prop mic. Finally, behind her is ILKA MYRNOFF, early 20's. She is the "youngest one in curls" "Cindy Brady." And she also is singing into a prop mic. The trio emerge into a small area of the vault, where numerous delighted CO-WORKERS comprise the audience. Some people are nibbling at fast food, as it is lunch time.
COOPER, JENNIFER AND ILKA
(Singing in unison): ...I gotta get out, gotta get out, gotta get away...I gotta get away, get away, get away, get away...
Into the sunshine day...
COOPER
(Solo) ...Can't you dig the sunshine? Now it's all but the same. Can't you hear him callin' your name?
CUT TO:
INT. LOAN VAULT STAIRWELL -DAY
A stout WOMAN in her late 40's comes up the stairs and squeezes into the small area with the audience. Someone hands her a flyer and she raises it to her eyes.
CLOSE on flyer: it reads, The First Annual Glendale Federal Loan File Vault Follies: Act 1: Cooper, Jennifer and Ilka perform "Sunshine Day."
The woman lowers the flyer and rolls her eyes. She is MRS. MANOOGIAN, the bank vault manager. After a few moments though, she starts tapping her foot in time and as a smile plays at the corner of her lips.
The SONG comes to an end and the audience APPLAUDS. The trio takes a bow.
COOPER
Thank you so much! Now let's put our hands together for Joe Davis and his "Crash Course: Kah-Rah-TAY"!
JOE DAVIS, mid 20's, comes down the shelving aisle, barefoot, wearing a Gi with a purple belt. He let's out a loud Kiai SHOUT as he does some karate moves and then bows.
JOE
Welcome to my dojo...
OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE OVER THEME SONG: "HOLLYWOOD PERFUME" BY THE PRETENDERS
INT. LOAN VAULT STAIRWELL -DAY
A stout WOMAN in her late 40's comes up the stairs and squeezes into the small area with the audience. Someone hands her a flyer and she raises it to her eyes.
CLOSE on flyer: it reads, The First Annual Glendale Federal Loan File Vault Follies: Act 1: Cooper, Jennifer and Ilka perform "Sunshine Day."
The woman lowers the flyer and rolls her eyes. She is MRS. MANOOGIAN, the bank vault manager. After a few moments though, she starts tapping her foot in time and as a smile plays at the corner of her lips.
The SONG comes to an end and the audience APPLAUDS. The trio takes a bow.
COOPER
Thank you so much! Now let's put our hands together for Joe Davis and his "Crash Course: Kah-Rah-TAY"!
JOE DAVIS, mid 20's, comes down the shelving aisle, barefoot, wearing a Gi with a purple belt. He let's out a loud Kiai SHOUT as he does some karate moves and then bows.
JOE
Welcome to my dojo...
OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE OVER THEME SONG: "HOLLYWOOD PERFUME" BY THE PRETENDERS
ACT ONE
INT. MRS. MANOOGIAN'S OFFICE -DAY
Cooper is sitting in a chair, facing Mrs. Manoogian, who is seated at her desk. A window behind her looks out a non-descript parking lot. She holds up the Folly "program."
MRS. MANOOGIAN
Would you mind explaining this?
COOPER
It's a program.
MRS. MANOOGIAN
I know what it is.
COOPER
Did you enjoy the show?
MRS. MANOOGIAN
That's beside the point.
COOPER
So, you didn't like it? Do you have any notes?
MRS. MANOOGIAN
(Shaking her head) What's your name again?
COOPER
Cooper. But you can call me Coop.
MRS. MANOOGIAN
(Looking down at folder) You're from TempForce...Mr. Reilly?
COOPER
That's me!
MRS. MANOOGIAN
Okay. I get it. You're a temp. So, I assume, finance is not what you want to do--
COOPER
Oh, I'm all about finance. I was reading in Variety that some guy just sold a spec script for almost two million--
MRS. MANOOGIAN
So you're a Hollywood aspirant?
COOPER
I--
MRS. MANOOGIAN
Of course you are. Ninety-five percent of the temps in this office usually are. And that's fine. Good luck to you. But Mr. Reilly, I simply can't have unsanctioned talent shows in the vault during lunchtime. It's a vault, not a soundstage.
COOPER
But everyone seemed to love it! It was standing room only!
MRS. MANOOGIAN
I know. I was standing there. And I did enjoy it. It was cute. But you should've asked permission.
COOPER
Would you have given it?
MRS. MANOOGIAN
Probably not.
COOPER
Are you going to fire me?
MRS. MANOOGIAN
No. But Mr. Reilly, I really think you should be in a different environment.
Cooper nods.
CUT TO:
INT. LOAN FILE VAULT -DAY
Cooper is pushing an office chair with Ilka sitting in it. The chair has wheels and he's pushing it as fast as he can down the file shelf aisle. Jennifer is at the light switch flicking it on and off. Joe is seated at a work table, trying to do his job, but he can't contain his amusement.
JOE
Don't you guys think you're pushing it a little? I mean, The Flight Simulator, right after our unauthorized floor show?
COOPER
It was a follies!
ILKA
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
JOE
You know, they can hear that downstairs.
COOPER
Okay, okay...back to work.
He pushes Ilka over to the table and he and Jennifer also sit.
JENNIFER
So what did Miss Manoogian say?
COOPER
She thinks I should be in a different business.
ILKA
Duh! We all should.
JOE
Not me. I'm going to run this bank one day!
COOPER
Well, when my bakery takes off, I'll put all my riches in your capable hands.
ILKA
You're a baker?
COOPER
It's a metaphor. I want to be a writer, like Jennifer. Also a director-slash-producer-slash-actor-and-or country singer or star!
JENNIFER
Coop, you should apply to be a page at Penultimate.
COOPER
What's a page, anyways? All I can picture is bowl hair-cuts.
JENNIFER
A friend of mine did it and she's now an assistant to Gig Vidor!
COOPER
The legendary producer of such films as Cassandra's Child and Tokyoville?
JENNIFER
Yep.
ILKA
So, what does a page do, anyways?
JENNIFER
They seat the audiences for the TV shows, give tours; that sort of thing.
JOE
How much does it pay?
JENNIFER
Minimum wage, I think. I mean, yeah, it's not a lot; but it's a way to get your foot in the door.
JOE
(As he kicks his still bare foot up) Hiiiiii-yahh!
COOPER
"Penultimate." You know that means "next to last"; right?
CUT TO:
INT. COOPER'S APARTMENT -EVENING
Cooper comes through the door. The apartment is a modest two bedroom. A sliding glass door looks out onto the grounds of the complex. It's actually rather nice, even if it's closer to Pasadena than Hollywood. The decor is from the Goodwill collection; but done in good taste, with a kind of Mid-Century vibe. Seated at the dining room table, working on his laptop, is Cooper's room-mate ALFREDO "AL" WELCOVICH, mid-20's. He is a tall, well-built young man with somewhat ruggedly, exotic looks. He is good-natured and happy-go-lucky.
AL
Hey...
COOPER
(Tossing his keys, bag and coat on the couch) What you working on?
AL
The third act of "CIA Grandma."
COOPER
You're on the third act already?
AL
Yeah. And I need a break. You wanna go to CoCo's?
COOPER
Sure. Hey, can you look something up for me?
AL
One sec...(he hits SAVE on his screenplay and opens a search engine) What?
COOPER
Look up "Penultimate Page Program."
Al's fingers fly over the keyboard. He shows Cooper, who has taken a chair, the search results. There is only one.
AL
"Penultimate Usherette's Newsreel"
He clicks on it.
CUT TO:
CLOSE on the laptop screen. A grainy black and white newsreel flickers to life. The MUSIC is instrumental and unmistakable. That sort of hysterically cheerful, light orchestration with fanfare. The title reads: PENULTIMATE NEWS (THE EYES AND EARS OF THE WORLD) across the studio's logo; a stylized Apollo, holding aloft his lyre. We hear the excited, nasally voice of the MALE ANNOUNCER.
ANNOUNCER
Penultimate Pictures is celebrating the 25th anniversary of its world famous "Usherettes!" Every year, eager young hopefuls apply to be usherettes at its famous location right in the heart of Hollywood, California! Here's the latest group of gals as they file through the studios world famous gates!
We see shots of a long line of young women, dressed in the height of early 50's fashion, as they pass an older MATRON who hands each of them application forms.
ANNOUNCER
Oh, what have we here? It's a boy trying to eke his way in. Sorry buddy, but this line of work is for the ladies. And the ladies only!
We see a young guy in a suit at the end of the line, trying to get an application. The matron passing them out shakes her head "No." The guy dejectedly sulks away.
ANNOUNCER
Sorry pal, but this is no job for sissies! Penultimate's Usherettes walk upwards of thirty miles a week, giving walking tours of the vast studio. Here are the ladies who made the cut, having their measurements charted. Clothes not only make the man, they make the woman too. And the Usherette's are swathed in the designs of Penultimate's premiere costumer, Arianne.
We see a suave, good-looking gentleman in a pin-striped suit with slicked back hair. He has a cigarette between his fingers as he inspects the seriously form fitting uniforms of the Usherettes who are in varying stages of dress (or undress!).
ANNOUNCER
Then, it's on to classes for the girls, who have to be up on their show business history. Pop quiz tomorrow girls; so you'd better start cramming back at the dorm!
Now we see the girls in a dormitory bedroom, in nightgowns, reading, studying and of course, having a pillow fight.
ANNOUNCER
Now gals, enough of that nonsense. Time to get some shut-eye! You have a big day ahead of you!
The music swells as we see the girls on the lot, receiving their nametags from the matron as various MALE EXECUTIVES watch, nodding and smiling.
ANNOUNCER
Well girls, the only way in, is up! We know you'll make us proud!
The camera CLOSES on one of the girls' shapely legs
ANNOUNCER
And all that walking? Why it doesn't hurt those gams a bit!
The VISUAL FADES on several of the girls being heartily embraced by the male executives.
AL
I think I read somewhere that that was pretty much a prostitution ring.
COOPER
Yeah... There was some kind of scandal, in the early 60's, I think.
AL
Are you wanting to do this?
COOPER
Be a prostitute?
AL
A Penultimate Page. They let guys in now.
COOPER
What about sissies?
AL
If they're an equal opportunity employer, you're in.
COOPER
Ha. Ha. I'm kinda broke. I'm on the CupO'Noodle express. Maybe we should eat in?
AL
Nah. Let's go. My treat.
INT. MRS. MANOOGIAN'S OFFICE -DAY
Cooper is sitting in a chair, facing Mrs. Manoogian, who is seated at her desk. A window behind her looks out a non-descript parking lot. She holds up the Folly "program."
MRS. MANOOGIAN
Would you mind explaining this?
COOPER
It's a program.
MRS. MANOOGIAN
I know what it is.
COOPER
Did you enjoy the show?
MRS. MANOOGIAN
That's beside the point.
COOPER
So, you didn't like it? Do you have any notes?
MRS. MANOOGIAN
(Shaking her head) What's your name again?
COOPER
Cooper. But you can call me Coop.
MRS. MANOOGIAN
(Looking down at folder) You're from TempForce...Mr. Reilly?
COOPER
That's me!
MRS. MANOOGIAN
Okay. I get it. You're a temp. So, I assume, finance is not what you want to do--
COOPER
Oh, I'm all about finance. I was reading in Variety that some guy just sold a spec script for almost two million--
MRS. MANOOGIAN
So you're a Hollywood aspirant?
COOPER
I--
MRS. MANOOGIAN
Of course you are. Ninety-five percent of the temps in this office usually are. And that's fine. Good luck to you. But Mr. Reilly, I simply can't have unsanctioned talent shows in the vault during lunchtime. It's a vault, not a soundstage.
COOPER
But everyone seemed to love it! It was standing room only!
MRS. MANOOGIAN
I know. I was standing there. And I did enjoy it. It was cute. But you should've asked permission.
COOPER
Would you have given it?
MRS. MANOOGIAN
Probably not.
COOPER
Are you going to fire me?
MRS. MANOOGIAN
No. But Mr. Reilly, I really think you should be in a different environment.
Cooper nods.
CUT TO:
INT. LOAN FILE VAULT -DAY
Cooper is pushing an office chair with Ilka sitting in it. The chair has wheels and he's pushing it as fast as he can down the file shelf aisle. Jennifer is at the light switch flicking it on and off. Joe is seated at a work table, trying to do his job, but he can't contain his amusement.
JOE
Don't you guys think you're pushing it a little? I mean, The Flight Simulator, right after our unauthorized floor show?
COOPER
It was a follies!
ILKA
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
JOE
You know, they can hear that downstairs.
COOPER
Okay, okay...back to work.
He pushes Ilka over to the table and he and Jennifer also sit.
JENNIFER
So what did Miss Manoogian say?
COOPER
She thinks I should be in a different business.
ILKA
Duh! We all should.
JOE
Not me. I'm going to run this bank one day!
COOPER
Well, when my bakery takes off, I'll put all my riches in your capable hands.
ILKA
You're a baker?
COOPER
It's a metaphor. I want to be a writer, like Jennifer. Also a director-slash-producer-slash-actor-and-or country singer or star!
JENNIFER
Coop, you should apply to be a page at Penultimate.
COOPER
What's a page, anyways? All I can picture is bowl hair-cuts.
JENNIFER
A friend of mine did it and she's now an assistant to Gig Vidor!
COOPER
The legendary producer of such films as Cassandra's Child and Tokyoville?
JENNIFER
Yep.
ILKA
So, what does a page do, anyways?
JENNIFER
They seat the audiences for the TV shows, give tours; that sort of thing.
JOE
How much does it pay?
JENNIFER
Minimum wage, I think. I mean, yeah, it's not a lot; but it's a way to get your foot in the door.
JOE
(As he kicks his still bare foot up) Hiiiiii-yahh!
COOPER
"Penultimate." You know that means "next to last"; right?
CUT TO:
INT. COOPER'S APARTMENT -EVENING
Cooper comes through the door. The apartment is a modest two bedroom. A sliding glass door looks out onto the grounds of the complex. It's actually rather nice, even if it's closer to Pasadena than Hollywood. The decor is from the Goodwill collection; but done in good taste, with a kind of Mid-Century vibe. Seated at the dining room table, working on his laptop, is Cooper's room-mate ALFREDO "AL" WELCOVICH, mid-20's. He is a tall, well-built young man with somewhat ruggedly, exotic looks. He is good-natured and happy-go-lucky.
AL
Hey...
COOPER
(Tossing his keys, bag and coat on the couch) What you working on?
AL
The third act of "CIA Grandma."
COOPER
You're on the third act already?
AL
Yeah. And I need a break. You wanna go to CoCo's?
COOPER
Sure. Hey, can you look something up for me?
AL
One sec...(he hits SAVE on his screenplay and opens a search engine) What?
COOPER
Look up "Penultimate Page Program."
Al's fingers fly over the keyboard. He shows Cooper, who has taken a chair, the search results. There is only one.
AL
"Penultimate Usherette's Newsreel"
He clicks on it.
CUT TO:
CLOSE on the laptop screen. A grainy black and white newsreel flickers to life. The MUSIC is instrumental and unmistakable. That sort of hysterically cheerful, light orchestration with fanfare. The title reads: PENULTIMATE NEWS (THE EYES AND EARS OF THE WORLD) across the studio's logo; a stylized Apollo, holding aloft his lyre. We hear the excited, nasally voice of the MALE ANNOUNCER.
ANNOUNCER
Penultimate Pictures is celebrating the 25th anniversary of its world famous "Usherettes!" Every year, eager young hopefuls apply to be usherettes at its famous location right in the heart of Hollywood, California! Here's the latest group of gals as they file through the studios world famous gates!
We see shots of a long line of young women, dressed in the height of early 50's fashion, as they pass an older MATRON who hands each of them application forms.
ANNOUNCER
Oh, what have we here? It's a boy trying to eke his way in. Sorry buddy, but this line of work is for the ladies. And the ladies only!
We see a young guy in a suit at the end of the line, trying to get an application. The matron passing them out shakes her head "No." The guy dejectedly sulks away.
ANNOUNCER
Sorry pal, but this is no job for sissies! Penultimate's Usherettes walk upwards of thirty miles a week, giving walking tours of the vast studio. Here are the ladies who made the cut, having their measurements charted. Clothes not only make the man, they make the woman too. And the Usherette's are swathed in the designs of Penultimate's premiere costumer, Arianne.
We see a suave, good-looking gentleman in a pin-striped suit with slicked back hair. He has a cigarette between his fingers as he inspects the seriously form fitting uniforms of the Usherettes who are in varying stages of dress (or undress!).
ANNOUNCER
Then, it's on to classes for the girls, who have to be up on their show business history. Pop quiz tomorrow girls; so you'd better start cramming back at the dorm!
Now we see the girls in a dormitory bedroom, in nightgowns, reading, studying and of course, having a pillow fight.
ANNOUNCER
Now gals, enough of that nonsense. Time to get some shut-eye! You have a big day ahead of you!
The music swells as we see the girls on the lot, receiving their nametags from the matron as various MALE EXECUTIVES watch, nodding and smiling.
ANNOUNCER
Well girls, the only way in, is up! We know you'll make us proud!
The camera CLOSES on one of the girls' shapely legs
ANNOUNCER
And all that walking? Why it doesn't hurt those gams a bit!
The VISUAL FADES on several of the girls being heartily embraced by the male executives.
AL
I think I read somewhere that that was pretty much a prostitution ring.
COOPER
Yeah... There was some kind of scandal, in the early 60's, I think.
AL
Are you wanting to do this?
COOPER
Be a prostitute?
AL
A Penultimate Page. They let guys in now.
COOPER
What about sissies?
AL
If they're an equal opportunity employer, you're in.
COOPER
Ha. Ha. I'm kinda broke. I'm on the CupO'Noodle express. Maybe we should eat in?
AL
Nah. Let's go. My treat.
CUT TO:
INT. COCO'S RESTAURANT -NIGHT
Cooper and Al are in a booth, both with their laptops open in front of them, typing away. A WAITRESS approaches the table with drinks, places them on the table and pulls out her pad.
WAITRESS
You boys ready?
AL
Yes. I'd like the grilled chicken with the seasonal vegetables and fresh fruit.
WAITRESS
Terrific. And for you hon?
COOPER
I'll have the Lumberjack Breakfast.
WAITRESS
Eggs?
COOPER
Over-easy. And country potatoes.
WAITRESS
A man with an appetite! I'll get those right out!
She heads off and Al regards Cooper over his screen with raised eyebrows.
COOPER
What? Is that too much?
AL
If you mean money, that's not what I mean. That meal has like a day's worth of calories.
COOPER
Al, for me, that meal will be an entire weeks' calories. I told you. I'm broke.
AL
I could lend you some money.
COOPER
No. Thanks; but I don't want to go down that path. You're already giving me a break on the rent; and if I haven't told you lately, I'm forever grateful.
AL
I like having you as a roommate. I enjoy your company.
COOPER
Thank you. And I yours. How's Stephanie doing.
AL
I don't want to talk about her. So, who do you think should play Anthea?
COOPER
Who?
AL
The main character. CIA grandma!
COOPER
Oh, right. Uhhhmm...how about Meryl Streep?
AL
She might be a little over-qualified for this sort of thing.
COOPER
How about Tippi Hedren?
AL
She's in her mid-nineties, isn't she?
COOPER
Yeah, so?
AL
This role requires the actress to do parkour, sky-diving and pole-vaulting; among other things.
COOPER
You can fix it in post. (Looking at his screen) Say, can I use you as a reference?
AL
Sure. For what?
COOPER
I'm filling out the Penultimate page application. I'm gonna be a Hollywood hooker!
Al shakes his head as Cooper looks out the window.
COOPER
(Pointing) Is that Zendaya?
AL
(Excitedly pressing his nose to the glass) Where? Where?
COOPER
Made ya look!
CUT TO:
INT. COCO'S RESTAURANT -NIGHT
Cooper and Al are in a booth, both with their laptops open in front of them, typing away. A WAITRESS approaches the table with drinks, places them on the table and pulls out her pad.
WAITRESS
You boys ready?
AL
Yes. I'd like the grilled chicken with the seasonal vegetables and fresh fruit.
WAITRESS
Terrific. And for you hon?
COOPER
I'll have the Lumberjack Breakfast.
WAITRESS
Eggs?
COOPER
Over-easy. And country potatoes.
WAITRESS
A man with an appetite! I'll get those right out!
She heads off and Al regards Cooper over his screen with raised eyebrows.
COOPER
What? Is that too much?
AL
If you mean money, that's not what I mean. That meal has like a day's worth of calories.
COOPER
Al, for me, that meal will be an entire weeks' calories. I told you. I'm broke.
AL
I could lend you some money.
COOPER
No. Thanks; but I don't want to go down that path. You're already giving me a break on the rent; and if I haven't told you lately, I'm forever grateful.
AL
I like having you as a roommate. I enjoy your company.
COOPER
Thank you. And I yours. How's Stephanie doing.
AL
I don't want to talk about her. So, who do you think should play Anthea?
COOPER
Who?
AL
The main character. CIA grandma!
COOPER
Oh, right. Uhhhmm...how about Meryl Streep?
AL
She might be a little over-qualified for this sort of thing.
COOPER
How about Tippi Hedren?
AL
She's in her mid-nineties, isn't she?
COOPER
Yeah, so?
AL
This role requires the actress to do parkour, sky-diving and pole-vaulting; among other things.
COOPER
You can fix it in post. (Looking at his screen) Say, can I use you as a reference?
AL
Sure. For what?
COOPER
I'm filling out the Penultimate page application. I'm gonna be a Hollywood hooker!
Al shakes his head as Cooper looks out the window.
COOPER
(Pointing) Is that Zendaya?
AL
(Excitedly pressing his nose to the glass) Where? Where?
COOPER
Made ya look!
CUT TO:
Please see: PAGES: THE SITCOM / PART 2 for the next installment!
CFR 10/13/23
CFR 10/13/23