An Open Letter To Nicole Kidman and AMC.
Okay, Nick; we need to talk.
I wrote a blog about the whole Balenciaga thing, which I will not get into again (I took it down because the whole thing gave me the creeps, for reals); suffice to say, as that whole kerfuffle has apparently blown over and is already forgotten, I would advise any and all brand ambassadors to just back away from that joint. They keep putting everyone in jet black. Okay, first...Isabelle Hupert? Why? Talk about a niche rep. It's not even a French brand (well, not technically). Does anyone in America even know who she is? I mean, I do. I even saw Greta, at a theater, during Covid. Well, it wasn't during Covid; but it sure felt like it! We were the only people in the theater. I mean, am I the only one who is thinking about Heaven's Gate whenever I see her? Isabelle, ya burnt!
I mean, I get Kim K. getting on board. Arguably, people are still talking about that get-up she wore to the Met Gala where she looked liked a bodacious Grim Reaperette. You go Kim! But Nick...black? No! No my lady! Your skin is too pale for black. You need to be in pinks and greens and a color that Pops. Think light as air Spring Florals. Jewel tones. And why are you doing Balenciaga pret a porter? Why aren't you doing their haute couture gowns? They're actually quite pretty and mucha la feminina. Please stay away from black, Nick. Here are some Balenciaga looks I would pick for you. Or, you could check out this vid. I would put you in that specktack magenta number at the 16.44 mark (I'd even let you keep the black gloves...no, wait, I wouldn't. Brown gloves! Who does brown taffeta opera gloves? You Nick, that's who!!!):
1. Do you go to the movies by yourself often?
2. When you do go to the movies by yourself, do you always get that dressed up?
3. Does getting dressed up to go to the movies make you feel good?
4. Are you planning to see Ghost Busters: Frozen Empire?
4A. Does "busting" make you feel good?
5. If you are planning on seeing Ghost Busters: Frozen Empire by yourself, dressed to the nines, will you be wearing your hooded rain-coat, as it will be March, more than likely; or perhaps April and it may be a little rainy.
6. Where is this AMC theater that has a coat-check?
6A. Would you jump Paul Rudd's bones if you weren't married and/or he wasn't married? Do you find him attractive or just too much of a goof-ball. Or is "goof-ball" in your Pro column? Why haven't you worked with him? I mean, you worked with Nick Cage, Nick. Did you two get confused on the set of Trespass when people called for "Nick"? How did Trespass even happen? How about you and Paul do a remake of The Thin Man? That could be fun! I mean, I've never seen a Thin Man movie, but I have seen clips. They look darling! And the mystery franchise, I think we can all agree, is Red Hot again! I think that would be a good project for you two, don't you?
7. Where did that drink come from? Is it a Coke? Diet Orange Fanta? Grape Nehi? Or is it a combo drink, like a Lemon-Mountain-Dewska or a Diet-Dr.-Sprite-Canada-Dry-Pibb? Or is it some Australian soda that you smuggled in? A Bundaberg Ginger Beer, perhaps?
8. Did you actually sit through Jurassic World, Wonder Woman, La La Land and Creed? I mean, you must've been there all day! Were you?
9. And why haven't you done a movie with Naomi Watts? Is it because she wants to do a remake of Persona?
How about a remake of Jacques Demy's Les Demoiselles de Rochefort? Now, I've never seen it, but I have seen clips; and it looks darling! It was his follow up to The Umbrellas of Cherbourg, which is one of my all-time favs! "Les Demoiselles" means "young girls" or "young ladies" in French. Now, hear me out Nicks. I now you and Naomi are really no longer "girls." Or "young ladies." Yes, you are most decidedly "ladies"; as in "classy dames." But I don't think we can claim the title "young." That is, in the literal sense. I mean, I'm sure you are both "young at heart." But, like me, you are both in your mid-50's. (I guess for me, it's officially my late 50's!). Oh my God. Is that even possible? I know in my head I'm still pretty much the same person I was when I was...gee, I'm gonna say, twelve? Eleven even? (I was always an old soul). But I must admit, I experience "stiffness" when getting up from my desk(!) and I notice wrist wrinkles at the right angle in the light from my reading lamp. But, I think you could still pull it off. I mean, Catherine Deneuve and her sister didn't really look all that demoiselle-ish when they made this back in '67. Let's take a look!
So, I'm having trouble here loading a Youtube video of the trailer for this movie. Let me try something else...please hold...(Muzak version of "The Theme from Mondo Kane"):
Sorry, I can't seem to post any Youtube clips from "...Rochefort." Nick, if you're interested, you can do your own research. Did you know that the two female leads, who are female, fraternal twins, were played by Catherine Deneuve and her real life sister? Well, they were! They didn't do their own singing though. Now we all know you can sing Nick-Nick, but can Naomi? Let me see if I can find a clip of her singing. Please hold...
So, here's the only clip I found of Naomi singing.
That being said; so whatever did become of Robbie Williams and Nicole's co-star, Mr. Ben Chaplin in Birthday Girl, the movie of which we dare not speak? Before I get into that, I just wanted to mention that I saw Birthday Girl at the movie theater, with my then boyfriend, now husband. I was trying to recall anything about it. I could only remember the song from the credits and wondering why a film set in England didn't seem like it was actually in England because ants figured into the plot and they didn't look like any ants I would ever imagine living in England...because they weren't. They were weird ass Australian ants because they filmed parts of the movie there.
So, here's our latter day Mr. Williams:
And what happened to Ben Chaplin, who was kind of poised for leading man status? Here he is in a shot from Birthday Girl:
But "sex god"? I don't know. Can any man who's British be a "sex god"? Or woman for that matter? Yeah, you're thinking Sean Connery; but he was Scottish. British people, no matter how attractive or well built they are, simply can not be "sexy." Being sexy requires a certain amount of guilt. You know...it's kind of wrong that I'm so hot. It's a sin that I'm turning you on. There needs to be a certain amount of Puritanical frisson happening. The British kicked the Puritans out, if you'll recall. And even when Brits get all hot and bothered; there's still a certain amount of being above it all. You need a large dollop of "I really shouldn't be doing this..." for sex to truly get to Olympian heights (or depths!). N'est- ce pas?
Gee, I still haven't posed any questions about how AMC "makes movies better." I guess I'll get into that in part two of this blog. In the meantime, let's talk movie project!
So Nick, rather than a straight up remake of The Young Girls of Rochefort; how about something in that vein? You know, a kind of Jacques Demy inspired musical, in English (so you wouldn't have to remember French lyrics (or maybe you speak French?). Something like La La Land! Now there was a musical you loved. I mean, you sat through it by yourself at AMC cineplex in Porter Ranch, CA. I can see why you went forty minutes out of your way to go there!
The movie is about two sisters, natch, who run a dance academy. The sisters are played by yourself and Naomi, natch. Our working title is Les Belle Dames Qui Dansent. That means: The Beuatiful Ladies who Dance, more or less. So, the basic plot is that these two sisters run a dance school for girls in a city where it rains a lot, so we can get in a number in the rain, with umbrellas all over the place. Seattle comes to mind, of course. But let's go with San Francisco. The City by the Bay needs a boost, methinks. Seattle has the Space Needle, sure; but that's about it, location-wise. Oh, and that fish market where they're really mean to the fish. San Fran has endless visual appeal. And lots of moody weather, including rain. So, we're setting it there. Of course, if we're setting it in America and the sisters native language is English, I guess we really don't need the title in French. But what if they were raised in France and relocated to San Francisco...because...they had to raise their nephew...who was orphaned when his parents perished in an...accident at the winery they ran in Napa Valley. They drowned when a basement was flooded with wine during an earthquake. Or better yet; since Naomi likes super-heavy drama, she plays Timothee Chalamet's mother, who went off the deep-end when she witnessed her husband drown in the wine and then she was committed to a sanitarium. Nicole, Timothee's aunt, raised him while she was running the dance school and at the start of the picture, Naomi is being released. Meanwhile, a big Movie Star comes to the school for dance lessons because he's going to remake Singin' in the Rain. He could be played by Robbie Williams!!! He bonds with Timothee, marries Naomi and they all live happily ever after! I LOVE this! And we'd have to recreate this for the movie:
I seem to have wandered a bit far afield; but before I get to some hard questions Nicole, regarding the hard running of a physical AMC plant; I have to ask: just what was going on in that music video with Mr. Williams? So, he gives you a purse for Christmas. A heart-shaped, rhinestone-bedazzled purse on a chain. Later in the video, it appears strategically placed in your bathing suit area as Mr. Williams appears to go looking for something in it. Why is your purse in your lap in this heated moment? What is he hoping to find in your purse? A piece of Dentyne? You know, four out of five dentists surveyed recommend it for their patients who chew gum! Is he supposed to be a dentist?
Please see: "An Open Letter To AMC Care of Nicole Kidman" for the second part!