I was going to moderate a scathing, blistering, lid-ripping, hard-ball-breaking interview between Walt Disney and Baba Wawa; but since I'm a little fed up with that old coot and Baba is no longer with us, I'm putting it on the back-burner, as I've got more burning questions firing my feverish brain. And this hot-button expose has one of our/my favorite celebz...you guessed it; the Nightcrawler himself, Mr. Jake Gyyllleennhaall; front and center (or at least adjacent). Nailed that spelling! Now if I could just pronounce it correctly...
So, my niece, who got me to watch Good Will Hunting, is something of a heretofore, unbeknownst to me, Pop Culturephile. Her most recent obsession is the behind the scenes goss on Don't Worry Darling. And an ongoing one: The Taylor Swift Files. She showed me the "clip" of Harry S. supposedly spitting something on Chris Pine at the Venice Film Festival. We were in total agreement that Mr. Styles does indeed expectorate something into Mr. Pine's lap. It doesn't take a body language expert to see that something is very amiss in that dynamic. And you know what? I don't buy Harry's whole "androgynous" wardrobe dealee-oh. He simply does not look comfortable in chiffon separates. I'm calling "stunt."
Sorry Harry. Put on some Wrangler's and a flannel. You know you want to! And Chris P., please 86 that shoulder length hair-do. It makes you look like a lady tennis player. Or more precisely: Baba Wawa.
Sorry Harry. Put on some Wrangler's and a flannel. You know you want to! And Chris P., please 86 that shoulder length hair-do. It makes you look like a lady tennis player. Or more precisely: Baba Wawa.
Could I look any more uncomfortable? Why didn't they tell me lace was itchy? And why do they keeping asking me about this Liberace person?
No, it's not Tilda Swinton, love; it's Mr. David Bowie, showing 'ow it's done. Fancy a cup of tea dearie?
Time for a Liberace break!
Time for a Liberace break!
Okay...back to Taylor and Jake.
First of all Taylor: GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY HALL PASS, BEEOTHCH!
Oh, I mean...Ms. Swift, would you kindly step away from the Gyllenhaal? Oh wait, you did...but then you didn't...because you re-released this song that is purportedly about him and your apparently traumatizing break-up. You also made a video about it. Oh, wait, I mean a "short film." A short film, set to the song, more or less, which, technically is a long-form music video; is it not? Well, before I launch into my criticis--uhh, "analysis" of this project; let's all watch it shall we? So, grab yourself a cup of coffee. One cup of coffee (I'll get to that later) and we'll meet back here in about fifteen minutes!
First of all Taylor: GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY HALL PASS, BEEOTHCH!
Oh, I mean...Ms. Swift, would you kindly step away from the Gyllenhaal? Oh wait, you did...but then you didn't...because you re-released this song that is purportedly about him and your apparently traumatizing break-up. You also made a video about it. Oh, wait, I mean a "short film." A short film, set to the song, more or less, which, technically is a long-form music video; is it not? Well, before I launch into my criticis--uhh, "analysis" of this project; let's all watch it shall we? So, grab yourself a cup of coffee. One cup of coffee (I'll get to that later) and we'll meet back here in about fifteen minutes!
So, here's the POP-C/TMZ breakdown from my niece; as I understand it:
Taylor made some recordings earlier in her career over which she did not have complete creative control. So, now that she's a SUPERSTAR and has the creative power, she re-recorded some of these songs and released them on a new album. One of these songs is "All Too Well"; which, as I've mentioned, is supposedly about her break-up with Jake Gyllenhaal back in 2010. She was 20ish at the time and he was almost 30 (my facts might be faulty here; but we're not talking about the Magna Carta, right?). Apparently, Jake has denied that the song is about him. But if you watch Ms. Swift's "short film," it seems as though she's doing everything she can to bolster the implication that it's about Jake. She mentions in the song that her paramour has a "sister." Now, we all know Jake has a sister. In fact, a famous sister. Not quite of the magnitude of her brother; but a star none the less. However, if the song isn't about Jake and is perhaps about John Mayer, another of Ms. Taylor's boyfriends; he has a half-sister. But wouldn't she have written the lyric as "half sister"? Probably not. And she's had quite a few male companions, many, I assume, who have a sister. I would do the research; but I'm not quite that invested in this. I am neither a "Swiftie" or a "Tayordle." Don't ask.
Her music seems to be exclusively about young, white, teen-age, first-world girls and their problems with boys. Which I guess would be her problems. And boy, does she seem to have problems! However, in her defense, she is a Sagittarius (as is Jake (and yours truly). We archers tend to grow restless and move on from relationships when we realize that they're not really working. Taylor knows this; which is why I thinks it's rather unfair (and decidedly un-Sagittarian) to still be bitching about a failed relationship from more than a decade ago. Actually, she's milking it, isn't she? According to my niece, the video--err--short film is loaded with "Easter eggs."
The Red Scarf
So, according to my niece (her name is Kasey), the red scarf in the video is a metaphor. Or a symbol. Or whatever. And what does it represent? Nothing less than Ms. Swift's virginity!!!
Taylor made some recordings earlier in her career over which she did not have complete creative control. So, now that she's a SUPERSTAR and has the creative power, she re-recorded some of these songs and released them on a new album. One of these songs is "All Too Well"; which, as I've mentioned, is supposedly about her break-up with Jake Gyllenhaal back in 2010. She was 20ish at the time and he was almost 30 (my facts might be faulty here; but we're not talking about the Magna Carta, right?). Apparently, Jake has denied that the song is about him. But if you watch Ms. Swift's "short film," it seems as though she's doing everything she can to bolster the implication that it's about Jake. She mentions in the song that her paramour has a "sister." Now, we all know Jake has a sister. In fact, a famous sister. Not quite of the magnitude of her brother; but a star none the less. However, if the song isn't about Jake and is perhaps about John Mayer, another of Ms. Taylor's boyfriends; he has a half-sister. But wouldn't she have written the lyric as "half sister"? Probably not. And she's had quite a few male companions, many, I assume, who have a sister. I would do the research; but I'm not quite that invested in this. I am neither a "Swiftie" or a "Tayordle." Don't ask.
Her music seems to be exclusively about young, white, teen-age, first-world girls and their problems with boys. Which I guess would be her problems. And boy, does she seem to have problems! However, in her defense, she is a Sagittarius (as is Jake (and yours truly). We archers tend to grow restless and move on from relationships when we realize that they're not really working. Taylor knows this; which is why I thinks it's rather unfair (and decidedly un-Sagittarian) to still be bitching about a failed relationship from more than a decade ago. Actually, she's milking it, isn't she? According to my niece, the video--err--short film is loaded with "Easter eggs."
The Red Scarf
So, according to my niece (her name is Kasey), the red scarf in the video is a metaphor. Or a symbol. Or whatever. And what does it represent? Nothing less than Ms. Swift's virginity!!!
Okay...in case you didn't watch the video, it starts with a male/female couple, mooning in bed. I mean getting moony.
They are known as "Him" and "Her." And then, later on, there's "Her Later On" and "Him Later On." So are "Him" and "Her" supposed to be some sort of archetypes? Well, since Taylor wrote it and directed it, her choice to make them anonymous seems to me a rather bald attempt at trying to get people to try and guess who "Him" and "Her" actually are in real life. Which, if you ask me, is more than a little coy. I think we can safely assume that "Her" is meant to be Ms. Swift, as Ms. Swift actually plays "Her Later On" later on in the movie. She's inexplicably made herself an authoress in the context of the film. She's written a rather slim tome entitled "All Too Well" which features a wintry tree with a red scarf caught in one of the branches. We see her reading to a group of moony women who seem to hang on Her Later On's every word...although we never hear these words. Is this a soft launch for a new career for Ms. Swift? Novella-ist?
They are known as "Him" and "Her." And then, later on, there's "Her Later On" and "Him Later On." So are "Him" and "Her" supposed to be some sort of archetypes? Well, since Taylor wrote it and directed it, her choice to make them anonymous seems to me a rather bald attempt at trying to get people to try and guess who "Him" and "Her" actually are in real life. Which, if you ask me, is more than a little coy. I think we can safely assume that "Her" is meant to be Ms. Swift, as Ms. Swift actually plays "Her Later On" later on in the movie. She's inexplicably made herself an authoress in the context of the film. She's written a rather slim tome entitled "All Too Well" which features a wintry tree with a red scarf caught in one of the branches. We see her reading to a group of moony women who seem to hang on Her Later On's every word...although we never hear these words. Is this a soft launch for a new career for Ms. Swift? Novella-ist?
So, apparently you can acquire the "novel." From Taylor Swift's official on-line store. Except it's not a novel, it's a notebook, that I assume has blank pages. Now if that's not a metaphor, I don't know what is.
You may also purchase on Ms. Swift's online store, a replica of the "All Too Well" red scarf for $35.00. Which seems a bit pricey to me for an acrylic scarf. I highly doubt Ms. Swift would let anything less than two-ply pashmina touch her graceful neck. I mean, if the red scarf is truly meant to be a metaphor for the loss of Ms. Swift's virginity to "Him": isn't selling it on line a little...and I want to choose my word carefully here (who knows, I might be right for a part in Ms. Swift's feature-film-directorial-debut! Maybe Jake's older brother? I mean, I guess I could be old enough to be his father...an early bloomer, I could've been a father at eleven (ewww...is that TMI?)...a little odd? I mean, even for us freaky Sagittarians, it's odd. Or maybe Ms. Swift is simply making lemonade out of the lemons of her past romances. So, more power to her?
Sure, let's go with that.
Let's take a bit of a deeper dive into the short film that is "All Too Well," shall we?
So, our couple, so deeply enamored of one another, take "An Upstate Escape" in the first section of the film. This is where Her sings to us that she left her red scarf at Him's sister's house and that he still has it in his drawer. Well, if they broke up; how could she possibly know this?
Cut to an oh so perfect, vintage Mercedes sedan coursing down a sylvan back-road as autumn leaves swirl in the wind.
Sure, let's go with that.
Let's take a bit of a deeper dive into the short film that is "All Too Well," shall we?
So, our couple, so deeply enamored of one another, take "An Upstate Escape" in the first section of the film. This is where Her sings to us that she left her red scarf at Him's sister's house and that he still has it in his drawer. Well, if they broke up; how could she possibly know this?
Cut to an oh so perfect, vintage Mercedes sedan coursing down a sylvan back-road as autumn leaves swirl in the wind.
So, the whole vibe at the beginning of the video is that they're visiting His family for Thanksgiving; which, supposedly, Taylor and Jake did, Thanksgiving of 2010. Apparently (and I'm just making assumptions here) the only photos that actually exist of the two together are from that day (I mean, I'm guessing here):
Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird...it's a plane...it's Carrot Top...or is that Alfred E. Neuman? No, it's Donald Trump on his balcony!
So, like, what's going on here? Is it me or do these photos seem staged? Like, they are totally aware there's a photographer lurking around. They could've ditched him or her down a back-alley...or lost them in the park...or jumped in a cab. Or called an Uber. Oh, wait, did they have Uber in 2010? It just screams "Photo Op" to me. I mean, they were out and about long enough to get a cup of coffee. A single cup of coffee. We're they sharing it? Whose coffee is it? They are both holding it at different times. Who shares a cup of coffee? I mean, on a first date? Where does the shopping bag go? Did they get the one cup of coffee and then pop into a bodega to pick up a can of Ocean Spray Cranberry Sauce, because it just didn't seem like Thanksgiving to Taylor without it? Is there a box of Stove Top stuffing in there? Or maybe it's a pumpkin pie because absent minded Jake forgot to stop at the bakery and pick up the one his sister had ordered. But maybe Taylor is allergic to pumpkins so they got Key Lime instead...? I mean, the more I look at it, the weirder it seems. Like in that last photo. Here Taylor, hold our coffee because my other hand is full and I want to hold your hand over my shoulder...damn, this bag is heavy...did we really need six cans of cranberry sauce? I mean, don't get me wrong...I love cranberry sauce as much as the next guy...but I mean, this is enough to last us until Thanksgiving of 2021...
So, like, what's going on here? Is it me or do these photos seem staged? Like, they are totally aware there's a photographer lurking around. They could've ditched him or her down a back-alley...or lost them in the park...or jumped in a cab. Or called an Uber. Oh, wait, did they have Uber in 2010? It just screams "Photo Op" to me. I mean, they were out and about long enough to get a cup of coffee. A single cup of coffee. We're they sharing it? Whose coffee is it? They are both holding it at different times. Who shares a cup of coffee? I mean, on a first date? Where does the shopping bag go? Did they get the one cup of coffee and then pop into a bodega to pick up a can of Ocean Spray Cranberry Sauce, because it just didn't seem like Thanksgiving to Taylor without it? Is there a box of Stove Top stuffing in there? Or maybe it's a pumpkin pie because absent minded Jake forgot to stop at the bakery and pick up the one his sister had ordered. But maybe Taylor is allergic to pumpkins so they got Key Lime instead...? I mean, the more I look at it, the weirder it seems. Like in that last photo. Here Taylor, hold our coffee because my other hand is full and I want to hold your hand over my shoulder...damn, this bag is heavy...did we really need six cans of cranberry sauce? I mean, don't get me wrong...I love cranberry sauce as much as the next guy...but I mean, this is enough to last us until Thanksgiving of 2021...
That's it! That's what tore them apart! The Cranberry Sauce! And it's RED!!!
So, back to the viddy-o:
During the Upstate Escape, we see Him and Her arriving at the grounds of what I think we're to assume is his sister's property. We get a classic walking in the autumn woods love-fest and then an extended kiss where the camera swirls around the couple. A nod to Brian De Palma perhaps?
During the Upstate Escape, we see Him and Her arriving at the grounds of what I think we're to assume is his sister's property. We get a classic walking in the autumn woods love-fest and then an extended kiss where the camera swirls around the couple. A nod to Brian De Palma perhaps?
Hmmm...that makes two Sissy Spacek cameos in this blog!
The next section of the film is "The First Crack In the Glass." We see "Him" and "Her" at a dinner table. Him is regaling the guests with an apparently hilarious anecdote, as Her sits to his left. Rather far to his left, as though she's isolated from everyone else. Her takes Him's hand and he rebuffs her and condescendingly pats her paw. She throws him some Fire and Ice red-lipsticked shade as lyrics talk about his mother talking about Him's stint on a Tee-Ball team.
Couple of problems here. Firstly, no one at the table could possibly be Him's mother, as the actors all appear to be in their mid to late 20's. And I highly doubt that Jake Gyllenhaal, who was born in 1980, would have been on a Tee-Ball team, as that sport didn't become popular on a wide scale in this country until at least the 90's. I mean, maybe Jake played tee-ball when he was a teen-ager...I'll allow Ms. Swift the benefit of the doubt here.
Next, we're back in the Mercedes. Him seems perturbed about something and as Her climbs out of the front passenger seat, Him tosses the car keys at her. Or onto the ground at her feet. It's rather ambiguous. I mean, was he tossing her the keys and she forgot how to catch things; or is he angrily throwing them at her feet. And if so, why? The story-line of the film gives us no indication and the lyrics from the song are equally ambiguous: "...And you were tossing me the car keys, "Fuck the patriarchy" Key chain on the ground..."
I mean, what does that mean?
Next we watch as Him angrily shouts into a smart phone and then looks at Her portentously. Then, we come to our first dialogue scene.
CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN -NIGHT
HER is at the counter, scraping dinner plates as HIM joins her with more dirty dishes and places them in the sink.
HIM: Why are you so pissed off?
HER: Who said I was pissed off?
Oh, wait a minute...I just learned from HIM himself that nothing in the movie was scripted and that HIM and Her improvised all the dialogue; which, if true, begs the question as to how Ms. Swift claims "writer" credits. But I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. Mr. Dylan O' Brien, who plays HIM and we're to assume Mr. Gyllenhaal, has also played a teen-age werewolf at some point in his career. He uses the F word a good dozen times in this scene and sports a beard and comes across not unlike a twenty-something werewolf.
The next section of the film is "The First Crack In the Glass." We see "Him" and "Her" at a dinner table. Him is regaling the guests with an apparently hilarious anecdote, as Her sits to his left. Rather far to his left, as though she's isolated from everyone else. Her takes Him's hand and he rebuffs her and condescendingly pats her paw. She throws him some Fire and Ice red-lipsticked shade as lyrics talk about his mother talking about Him's stint on a Tee-Ball team.
Couple of problems here. Firstly, no one at the table could possibly be Him's mother, as the actors all appear to be in their mid to late 20's. And I highly doubt that Jake Gyllenhaal, who was born in 1980, would have been on a Tee-Ball team, as that sport didn't become popular on a wide scale in this country until at least the 90's. I mean, maybe Jake played tee-ball when he was a teen-ager...I'll allow Ms. Swift the benefit of the doubt here.
Next, we're back in the Mercedes. Him seems perturbed about something and as Her climbs out of the front passenger seat, Him tosses the car keys at her. Or onto the ground at her feet. It's rather ambiguous. I mean, was he tossing her the keys and she forgot how to catch things; or is he angrily throwing them at her feet. And if so, why? The story-line of the film gives us no indication and the lyrics from the song are equally ambiguous: "...And you were tossing me the car keys, "Fuck the patriarchy" Key chain on the ground..."
I mean, what does that mean?
Next we watch as Him angrily shouts into a smart phone and then looks at Her portentously. Then, we come to our first dialogue scene.
CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN -NIGHT
HER is at the counter, scraping dinner plates as HIM joins her with more dirty dishes and places them in the sink.
HIM: Why are you so pissed off?
HER: Who said I was pissed off?
Oh, wait a minute...I just learned from HIM himself that nothing in the movie was scripted and that HIM and Her improvised all the dialogue; which, if true, begs the question as to how Ms. Swift claims "writer" credits. But I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. Mr. Dylan O' Brien, who plays HIM and we're to assume Mr. Gyllenhaal, has also played a teen-age werewolf at some point in his career. He uses the F word a good dozen times in this scene and sports a beard and comes across not unlike a twenty-something werewolf.
Then...
And then again:
And then again:
You'd be surprised how hard it is to find pictures of him where his head isn't partially cropped out of the photo. Here's HIM as HE appears in All Too Well:
Well, that's not exactly a still from the video; but it's an adorable little outfit; and this time they cropped off his leg. Love the fur! He could easily play a werewolf again with no need for make-up! Pretty eyes; but a dirty mouth. Like I said, during his "improvised" dialogue he said "Fuck" like 33 times. He needs to rinse his mouth with some Palmolive. And I'm just gonna say right now that Jake Gyllenhaal would never use the F word with such frequency; if at all. Maybe once in any given conflictive conversation, for that "I'm being serious" subtext. Don't ask me how I know this; but I do. I simply do. That one's on you Taylor.
Moving on...
To be continued...in a whole different blog...because, believe it or not, I've got a lot more to say about this! So, see my NEXT BLOG!
Moving on...
To be continued...in a whole different blog...because, believe it or not, I've got a lot more to say about this! So, see my NEXT BLOG!
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