It's hard to figure out if Ryan Gosling has any chest hair. He usually appears as smooth as...well, a Ken doll...or a satin sheet. All the time shaved? Waxed? But there are some pictures of him where it looks kind of hairy on his chest. But then a lot of images of him in various states of undress appear to be faked. A/I, Photoshop, cut and paste...
And I bring this up, because this sketch would be funnier (I think) the hairier the actor is. So it would work well for say, Jake Gyllenhaal. Or Henry Cavill. Or Tom Selleck. Not that Tom Selleck would ever do this. And by this we mean a sketch that features men's underthings. And it has to be filmed in order to pack in, so to speak, as many ridiculous pairs of mens skivvies as possible in the "underwear montage." Fake chest hair on Ryan could be quite amusing. Or on his butt cheeks. So, on with the show...
FADE UP
INT. SHOPPING MALL -DAY
A male/female COUPLE are strolling through the mall, nibbling giant pretzels and sipping Orange Julius.' They are attractive. They smile as they enjoy their treats and people watch. They hold hands and canoodle. The woman is named BRENDA and the man is GARY. They are in their late 20s/30's or maybe even older. Shocking! The man's eyes grow wide, as though he's remembered something.
GARY
Oh, honey. I've got to get some new underwear; especially since I'm doing that Zoom meeting.
BRENDA
But they won't be on camera, will they?
GARY
Well, no...but I'll just feel better.
BRENDA
Oh. Oh okay.
GARY
Look, honey. That store is having an underwear sale!
BRENDA
Wow! That's convenient!
CLOSE on the sign of a mall store. It reads MALE POWER BY FLOYD. In the window are a couple of mannequins in pajamas and bathrobes and a sign on an easel that reads: BOGO: MENS UNDERTHINGS HALF OFF! They look in the window.
BRENDA
"Underthings." I don't think I've ever heard that term.
GARY
What do you mean?
BRENDA
Well, you know. Applied to mens underwear.
GARY
Oh. I like that bathrobe.
They enter the store.
And I bring this up, because this sketch would be funnier (I think) the hairier the actor is. So it would work well for say, Jake Gyllenhaal. Or Henry Cavill. Or Tom Selleck. Not that Tom Selleck would ever do this. And by this we mean a sketch that features men's underthings. And it has to be filmed in order to pack in, so to speak, as many ridiculous pairs of mens skivvies as possible in the "underwear montage." Fake chest hair on Ryan could be quite amusing. Or on his butt cheeks. So, on with the show...
FADE UP
INT. SHOPPING MALL -DAY
A male/female COUPLE are strolling through the mall, nibbling giant pretzels and sipping Orange Julius.' They are attractive. They smile as they enjoy their treats and people watch. They hold hands and canoodle. The woman is named BRENDA and the man is GARY. They are in their late 20s/30's or maybe even older. Shocking! The man's eyes grow wide, as though he's remembered something.
GARY
Oh, honey. I've got to get some new underwear; especially since I'm doing that Zoom meeting.
BRENDA
But they won't be on camera, will they?
GARY
Well, no...but I'll just feel better.
BRENDA
Oh. Oh okay.
GARY
Look, honey. That store is having an underwear sale!
BRENDA
Wow! That's convenient!
CLOSE on the sign of a mall store. It reads MALE POWER BY FLOYD. In the window are a couple of mannequins in pajamas and bathrobes and a sign on an easel that reads: BOGO: MENS UNDERTHINGS HALF OFF! They look in the window.
BRENDA
"Underthings." I don't think I've ever heard that term.
GARY
What do you mean?
BRENDA
Well, you know. Applied to mens underwear.
GARY
Oh. I like that bathrobe.
They enter the store.
The door CHIMES and an older gentleman comes out from the back, carrying an underwear display figure. He is being played by DAN AYCKROYD as FLOYD HUNGER, ESQ.
FLOYD
Afternoon folks. Welcome to Male Power by Floyd. I'm Floyd Hunger, doncha know. Can I help you find anything?
GARY
I need some new underwear.
FLOYD
Well, you came to the right place! Because I don't have any old underwear. Just the latest and the greatest. Well, actually I do have some old underwear. You'd be surprised how many fellahs want to wear their new purchases out.
So what size are you?
GARY
Brenda honey, I can never remember....
BRENDA
He's a 34 inch waist, but his rear end is a bit on the flat side.
GARY
What? My rear end isn't flat!
BRENDA
Now Gary--
FLOYD
(Eyeing Gary's butt) I'm afraid the little lady's right; but not to worry. I can fix that!
GARY
You can?
FLOYD
I've been doing this for nearly fifty years. What brand do you usually wear?
GARY
Munsingwear.
FLOYD
Afternoon folks. Welcome to Male Power by Floyd. I'm Floyd Hunger, doncha know. Can I help you find anything?
GARY
I need some new underwear.
FLOYD
Well, you came to the right place! Because I don't have any old underwear. Just the latest and the greatest. Well, actually I do have some old underwear. You'd be surprised how many fellahs want to wear their new purchases out.
So what size are you?
GARY
Brenda honey, I can never remember....
BRENDA
He's a 34 inch waist, but his rear end is a bit on the flat side.
GARY
What? My rear end isn't flat!
BRENDA
Now Gary--
FLOYD
(Eyeing Gary's butt) I'm afraid the little lady's right; but not to worry. I can fix that!
GARY
You can?
FLOYD
I've been doing this for nearly fifty years. What brand do you usually wear?
GARY
Munsingwear.
Oooh! I bet Jon Hamm would do this sketch in a NY minute!
FLOYD
Munsingwear...hmmm...well, now; there's nothing to look down your nose at there. They make a good baseline foundation for the manly business; but it's not going to do a thing to regrade your backroad, my friend. But have no fear, because I'm going to introduce you to my exclusive, proprietary line of Male Power by Floyd "Mantees" and that trademark is patent pending.
GARY
But--
FLOYD
No buts about it! (LAUGHS)
BRENDA
Gary, you need this. I need this...
FLOYD
Gary, I'm asking you to put yourself in my hands. (He holds out his upturned palms).
GARY
Sure. What have I got to lose?
FLOYD
No ass; that's what you've got to lose! And one of the best ways to create the illusion of having an ass is to work with what you've got. So let's get crackin'. (He pushes Gary into a dressing room). Brenda, go lock the door. Now Gary, I need to see what we're working with. I need to see your crack. (He holds up a pair of underwear). Please strip and put these on.
We see the WAVY LINES of a TIME LAPSE, then Gary pops his head over the door of the dressing room.
GARY
Ready?
FLOYD
Yep. Come on out.
Gary steps out of the dressing room and Floyd guides him to a three-way mirror. He's wearing a pair of these:
Munsingwear...hmmm...well, now; there's nothing to look down your nose at there. They make a good baseline foundation for the manly business; but it's not going to do a thing to regrade your backroad, my friend. But have no fear, because I'm going to introduce you to my exclusive, proprietary line of Male Power by Floyd "Mantees" and that trademark is patent pending.
GARY
But--
FLOYD
No buts about it! (LAUGHS)
BRENDA
Gary, you need this. I need this...
FLOYD
Gary, I'm asking you to put yourself in my hands. (He holds out his upturned palms).
GARY
Sure. What have I got to lose?
FLOYD
No ass; that's what you've got to lose! And one of the best ways to create the illusion of having an ass is to work with what you've got. So let's get crackin'. (He pushes Gary into a dressing room). Brenda, go lock the door. Now Gary, I need to see what we're working with. I need to see your crack. (He holds up a pair of underwear). Please strip and put these on.
We see the WAVY LINES of a TIME LAPSE, then Gary pops his head over the door of the dressing room.
GARY
Ready?
FLOYD
Yep. Come on out.
Gary steps out of the dressing room and Floyd guides him to a three-way mirror. He's wearing a pair of these:
GARY
What do you think?
BRENDA
Do you have them on the right way?
Gary looks to Floyd, who nods his head.
FLOYD
Now, you see how exposing the IGC line creates the illusion of a fuller derriere?
GARY
I think so...
BRENDA
What's an 'ICG line'?
FLOYD
Inter-Gluteal-Cleft, line-- Now, you achieve this effect with the simple line exposure. Imagine what some further enhancing can do. Not to mention guiding of the eye and trompe-l'oeil; because I think you're going to need a little help on the windward side.
GARY
I'm a grower, not a shower.
BRENDA
That's very true.
FLOYD
Well, I've got one word for you Gary...
GARY
What's that?
FLOYD
Lace.
GARY
I didn't come here to play, Floyd. I came here to win. So let's go BIG or go home.
Brenda claps her hands excitedly as we FADE into the MONTAGE. Playing over this will be "Voulez-vous" by ABBA, as we see Gary come out and model some of the following "underthings":
What do you think?
BRENDA
Do you have them on the right way?
Gary looks to Floyd, who nods his head.
FLOYD
Now, you see how exposing the IGC line creates the illusion of a fuller derriere?
GARY
I think so...
BRENDA
What's an 'ICG line'?
FLOYD
Inter-Gluteal-Cleft, line-- Now, you achieve this effect with the simple line exposure. Imagine what some further enhancing can do. Not to mention guiding of the eye and trompe-l'oeil; because I think you're going to need a little help on the windward side.
GARY
I'm a grower, not a shower.
BRENDA
That's very true.
FLOYD
Well, I've got one word for you Gary...
GARY
What's that?
FLOYD
Lace.
GARY
I didn't come here to play, Floyd. I came here to win. So let's go BIG or go home.
Brenda claps her hands excitedly as we FADE into the MONTAGE. Playing over this will be "Voulez-vous" by ABBA, as we see Gary come out and model some of the following "underthings":
As Gary models, we see CLOSE-UPs of Floyd and Brenda either shaking or nodding their heads. But mostly enthusiastic nodding!
CUT TO:
INT. STORE -DAY
Gary is paying as Floyd pushes a large stack of elaborately packaged and bagged underthings across the counter.
GARY
With the bogo and everything, it came to just under fifteen hundred dollars!
BRENDA
What?
FLOYD
You heard him.
BRENDA
Well, you get what you pay for; and if we just paid for new found confidence in the bathing suit area, then it's totally worth it!
FLOYD
You know it! (He holds up Gary's old underwear) And I'll hang on to these! (He tosses them in a cardboard box along with other old underwear). Do you feel empowered now Gary?
GARY
I feel Male Powered: by Floyd!
They all LAUGH. Floyd moves to the door and unlocks it and lets them out. He watches through the glass as they head back down the mall. Gary, his nether-regions blurred, in a pair of his new sheer lace leggings. And his butt really does look bigger.
FLOYD
My work here is done.
FADE OUT
CUT TO:
INT. STORE -DAY
Gary is paying as Floyd pushes a large stack of elaborately packaged and bagged underthings across the counter.
GARY
With the bogo and everything, it came to just under fifteen hundred dollars!
BRENDA
What?
FLOYD
You heard him.
BRENDA
Well, you get what you pay for; and if we just paid for new found confidence in the bathing suit area, then it's totally worth it!
FLOYD
You know it! (He holds up Gary's old underwear) And I'll hang on to these! (He tosses them in a cardboard box along with other old underwear). Do you feel empowered now Gary?
GARY
I feel Male Powered: by Floyd!
They all LAUGH. Floyd moves to the door and unlocks it and lets them out. He watches through the glass as they head back down the mall. Gary, his nether-regions blurred, in a pair of his new sheer lace leggings. And his butt really does look bigger.
FLOYD
My work here is done.
FADE OUT
CFR 4/7/24