Published, 2013.
Published, 2015.
CHRIS
I need to call Teena!
Chris dials phone:
CHRIS
I need to call Teena!
Chris dials phone:
We hear the sound of the PHONE RINGING through on the other end.
Next, we hear a BUSY SIGNAL:
A CLICK then the following:
CHRIS
Damn! Damn! Damn!
He slams the phone down, dials again and finally a CLICK on the other end and then a WOMAN'S VOICE, which we hear OVER SCENE throughout.
WOMAN
(Groggy) Hello?
CHRIS
Teena?
WOMAN
Is this Chris?
CHRIS
Yeah, it's me. I need to--
WOMAN
Can this wait? My Zquil just kicked in.
CHRIS
Sure...I could call you--
WOMAN
Nevermind. I'm up now. What is it?
CHRIS
I've been kicked in the ass by Karma!
WOMAN
Karma who? And by the way, I'm not going by Teena anymore. Or Teena Fay; or however you want to spell it.
CHRIS
Did you get a cease and desist order from her lawyers?
WOMAN
Oh, no. Nothing like that. Tina and I are besties. I'm just got tired of standing in her shadow, literally. I was her lighting stand-in for years.
CHRIS
Does that pay anything?
WOMAN
Shit yeah! I was pulling in seventy thou a year.
CHRIS
Wow. Who knew? So, what should I call you?
WOMAN
How about my actual name: Marissa Jones.
CHRIS
Okay. Huh. That sounds wicked familiar...
MARISSA
We were in junior high school together.
CHRIS
Wait a second. GET OUT! You're that Marissa Jones!??!
MARISSA
Ding, ding, ding!
Damn! Damn! Damn!
He slams the phone down, dials again and finally a CLICK on the other end and then a WOMAN'S VOICE, which we hear OVER SCENE throughout.
WOMAN
(Groggy) Hello?
CHRIS
Teena?
WOMAN
Is this Chris?
CHRIS
Yeah, it's me. I need to--
WOMAN
Can this wait? My Zquil just kicked in.
CHRIS
Sure...I could call you--
WOMAN
Nevermind. I'm up now. What is it?
CHRIS
I've been kicked in the ass by Karma!
WOMAN
Karma who? And by the way, I'm not going by Teena anymore. Or Teena Fay; or however you want to spell it.
CHRIS
Did you get a cease and desist order from her lawyers?
WOMAN
Oh, no. Nothing like that. Tina and I are besties. I'm just got tired of standing in her shadow, literally. I was her lighting stand-in for years.
CHRIS
Does that pay anything?
WOMAN
Shit yeah! I was pulling in seventy thou a year.
CHRIS
Wow. Who knew? So, what should I call you?
WOMAN
How about my actual name: Marissa Jones.
CHRIS
Okay. Huh. That sounds wicked familiar...
MARISSA
We were in junior high school together.
CHRIS
Wait a second. GET OUT! You're that Marissa Jones!??!
MARISSA
Ding, ding, ding!
CHRIS
You were like "that girl" in our class, as I recall.
MARISSA
I presume and/or assume you're not talking about Ann Marie.
CHRIS
Ann Marie who?
MARISSA
Marlo--
CHRIS
Yes, I'm kidding. I was not referring to Marlo Thomas, TV's That Girl!
You were like "that girl" in our class, as I recall.
MARISSA
I presume and/or assume you're not talking about Ann Marie.
CHRIS
Ann Marie who?
MARISSA
Marlo--
CHRIS
Yes, I'm kidding. I was not referring to Marlo Thomas, TV's That Girl!
MARISSA
Yeah. We established that.
CHRIS
She made, like super-goofy faces on that show. And she stuck out her tongue a lot. Did you ever notice that?
MARISSA
No.
CHRIS
So, all this time I've been confabbing with you, you've known who I was?
MARISSA
Yes.
CHRIS
I sense a slight note of hostility in your voice, Marissa.
MARISSA
Well, back in school, you and your friends were always looking down on me.
CHRIS
I only had one friend at the time; so, I'm not sure what you're getting at...
MARISSA
You condescended to me; like I was some kind of ugly duckling that didn't know her ass from her elbow. Like I was the class Quasimodo.
CHRIS
Well, you kinda were.
MARISSA
See!
CHRIS
Well, if I did, I apologize. I liked you. And you were totally clueless. Are you remembering that time in science class, forty-three years ago, when we were giving you Liza Doolittle lessons? Trying to give you pointers on maybe getting a clue or two?
MARISSA
Yeah. Who does that?
CHRIS
Kids who've seen one too many episodes of The Brady Bunch.
Yeah. We established that.
CHRIS
She made, like super-goofy faces on that show. And she stuck out her tongue a lot. Did you ever notice that?
MARISSA
No.
CHRIS
So, all this time I've been confabbing with you, you've known who I was?
MARISSA
Yes.
CHRIS
I sense a slight note of hostility in your voice, Marissa.
MARISSA
Well, back in school, you and your friends were always looking down on me.
CHRIS
I only had one friend at the time; so, I'm not sure what you're getting at...
MARISSA
You condescended to me; like I was some kind of ugly duckling that didn't know her ass from her elbow. Like I was the class Quasimodo.
CHRIS
Well, you kinda were.
MARISSA
See!
CHRIS
Well, if I did, I apologize. I liked you. And you were totally clueless. Are you remembering that time in science class, forty-three years ago, when we were giving you Liza Doolittle lessons? Trying to give you pointers on maybe getting a clue or two?
MARISSA
Yeah. Who does that?
CHRIS
Kids who've seen one too many episodes of The Brady Bunch.
CHRIS
Besides, it's not like I was the captain of the cheerleading squad. I was just trying to help a sister out. I just found you on Facebook Marissa and I see that you went into cosmetology, got married had kids and seem pretty happy.
MARISSA
Yeah? So?
CHRIS
Well, maybe that advice we gave you that day stuck in your subconscious and look at you now baby!
MARISSA
So now you're trying to take credit for my success in life?
CHRIS
Yes. Yes I am Marissa. You owe EVERYTHING to me. Now where's my quarter of a million dollars?
MARISSA
You're a fuitcake!
CHRIS
Oh, you have no idea. I named my cat Marissa.
MARISSA
You did? Not--
CHRIS
Yes. After you.
MARISSA
That's weird. But kind of nice, I guess. So, wait...why did you call me again? Who's Carla?
CHRIS
Karma. It's about my book. My first book.
MARISSA
I haven't read it.
CHRIS
Join the club.
MARISSA
What about it?
CHRIS
I came across this other book that came out two years before it and it's like, the exact same thing. Down to the season of the year.
MARISSA
Don't tell me. Somebody ripped you off and blah, blah, blah-
CHRIS
No. It came out before mine!
MARISSA
So, you ripped it off?
Besides, it's not like I was the captain of the cheerleading squad. I was just trying to help a sister out. I just found you on Facebook Marissa and I see that you went into cosmetology, got married had kids and seem pretty happy.
MARISSA
Yeah? So?
CHRIS
Well, maybe that advice we gave you that day stuck in your subconscious and look at you now baby!
MARISSA
So now you're trying to take credit for my success in life?
CHRIS
Yes. Yes I am Marissa. You owe EVERYTHING to me. Now where's my quarter of a million dollars?
MARISSA
You're a fuitcake!
CHRIS
Oh, you have no idea. I named my cat Marissa.
MARISSA
You did? Not--
CHRIS
Yes. After you.
MARISSA
That's weird. But kind of nice, I guess. So, wait...why did you call me again? Who's Carla?
CHRIS
Karma. It's about my book. My first book.
MARISSA
I haven't read it.
CHRIS
Join the club.
MARISSA
What about it?
CHRIS
I came across this other book that came out two years before it and it's like, the exact same thing. Down to the season of the year.
MARISSA
Don't tell me. Somebody ripped you off and blah, blah, blah-
CHRIS
No. It came out before mine!
MARISSA
So, you ripped it off?
CHRIS
No! I had no idea this book existed until just recently.
MARISSA
Sure. That's what you say.
CHRIS
But seriously. I didn't!
MARISSA
Allow me to play devil's advocate here, Chris. You say you didn't; but do you think Bill Gray would agree with you?
CHRIS
Who is Bill Gray?
MARISSA
Duh. The author of The Summer of 1983.
CHRIS
Oh, right. Of course. Well, no...he probably wouldn't. He'd certainly raise an eyebrow.
MARISSA
Come on Chris. The summer of 1983? A gay, seventeenish boy coming of age in a gay, gay way? Working at a summer job? Obsessed with sex? The book covers even share the same neon colors.
CHRIS
But in this case, it really is sheer coincidence!!!
MARISSA
You read it?
CHRIS
No; well, just the excerpt you can look at on Amazon. And some of its reviews.
MARISSA
Well, if I were to believe you: that you had never laid eyes on this book that is startlingly similar to your own; doesn't this at least point up, quite clearly, the phenomenon of the Zeitgeist and the similar ideas that drift through it?
CHRIS
Yes. And I completely acknowledge that. But sometimes you just know when someone has seen your work and was, let's just say, was influenced by it. And it's usually some tiny detail, rather than the "overall," for lack of a better word. Apparently, this book is more of a kind of Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll, Summer of '83; minus the Rock and Roll. One reviewer compared it to Brett Easton Ellis' work.
MARISSA
Oh, so more like Sex and Drugs and thrill killing?
CHRIS
Gee, I don't know about that...
MARISSA
So, did you really name your cat after me?
CHRIS
Yes.
MARISSA
Why?
CHRIS
Your name just stuck in my head. There were a lot of girls from back then whose names stuck in my head. Like Brenda Trafficante and Marlena Trepsass.
MARISSA
I've never liked my name.
CHRIS
Oh, no! You should. One of the coolest humans ever shares your name!
MARISSA
Who?
CHRIS
Marisa Berenson! With one "S."
MARISSA
Who?
No! I had no idea this book existed until just recently.
MARISSA
Sure. That's what you say.
CHRIS
But seriously. I didn't!
MARISSA
Allow me to play devil's advocate here, Chris. You say you didn't; but do you think Bill Gray would agree with you?
CHRIS
Who is Bill Gray?
MARISSA
Duh. The author of The Summer of 1983.
CHRIS
Oh, right. Of course. Well, no...he probably wouldn't. He'd certainly raise an eyebrow.
MARISSA
Come on Chris. The summer of 1983? A gay, seventeenish boy coming of age in a gay, gay way? Working at a summer job? Obsessed with sex? The book covers even share the same neon colors.
CHRIS
But in this case, it really is sheer coincidence!!!
MARISSA
You read it?
CHRIS
No; well, just the excerpt you can look at on Amazon. And some of its reviews.
MARISSA
Well, if I were to believe you: that you had never laid eyes on this book that is startlingly similar to your own; doesn't this at least point up, quite clearly, the phenomenon of the Zeitgeist and the similar ideas that drift through it?
CHRIS
Yes. And I completely acknowledge that. But sometimes you just know when someone has seen your work and was, let's just say, was influenced by it. And it's usually some tiny detail, rather than the "overall," for lack of a better word. Apparently, this book is more of a kind of Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll, Summer of '83; minus the Rock and Roll. One reviewer compared it to Brett Easton Ellis' work.
MARISSA
Oh, so more like Sex and Drugs and thrill killing?
CHRIS
Gee, I don't know about that...
MARISSA
So, did you really name your cat after me?
CHRIS
Yes.
MARISSA
Why?
CHRIS
Your name just stuck in my head. There were a lot of girls from back then whose names stuck in my head. Like Brenda Trafficante and Marlena Trepsass.
MARISSA
I've never liked my name.
CHRIS
Oh, no! You should. One of the coolest humans ever shares your name!
MARISSA
Who?
CHRIS
Marisa Berenson! With one "S."
MARISSA
Who?
CHRIS
She was in Cabaret and Barry Lyndon.
MARISSA
Don't recall those...
CHRIS
You don't recall Cabaret?
MARISSA
Well, yeah. Liza Minnelli and that British actor who was in Logan's Run...and tell me Chris, why can we not get a remake of Logan's Run? Why can we get a half dozen versions of Dune and no Logan's Run?
CHRIS
I've been asking myself that since 1977, Marissa. But anyways, Marisa Berenson was one of those Model-slash-Actresses who were all the rage in the 60's and 70's who were really more famous for what they wore and who they hung out with and going to like, Studio 54 and so forth. But I think she was terrific and would've liked to have seen her in more stuff. Let's take a look!
She was in Cabaret and Barry Lyndon.
MARISSA
Don't recall those...
CHRIS
You don't recall Cabaret?
MARISSA
Well, yeah. Liza Minnelli and that British actor who was in Logan's Run...and tell me Chris, why can we not get a remake of Logan's Run? Why can we get a half dozen versions of Dune and no Logan's Run?
CHRIS
I've been asking myself that since 1977, Marissa. But anyways, Marisa Berenson was one of those Model-slash-Actresses who were all the rage in the 60's and 70's who were really more famous for what they wore and who they hung out with and going to like, Studio 54 and so forth. But I think she was terrific and would've liked to have seen her in more stuff. Let's take a look!
MARISSA
Yeah. Pretty good. And pretty. I like what they did with her hair.
CHRIS
So, I meant to ask you, Marissa...
MARISSA
Yes?
CHRIS
If you were raising a family and working full time in a beauty shop; how did you find time to be Tina Fey's lighting stand-in? I mean, she's a pretty busy gal, first of all; and then--
There is a sudden CLICK on the line.
CHRIS
Hello? Marissa? Are you still there? Hello?
Chris jiggles the receiver hook. Then we hear the following:
Yeah. Pretty good. And pretty. I like what they did with her hair.
CHRIS
So, I meant to ask you, Marissa...
MARISSA
Yes?
CHRIS
If you were raising a family and working full time in a beauty shop; how did you find time to be Tina Fey's lighting stand-in? I mean, she's a pretty busy gal, first of all; and then--
There is a sudden CLICK on the line.
CHRIS
Hello? Marissa? Are you still there? Hello?
Chris jiggles the receiver hook. Then we hear the following:
END
CFR 3/17/2
CFR 3/17/2