I'm always trying to come up with topics to amuse you with.  Which isn't hard.  I mean if anything, this big, beautiful, problematic world of ours has is "topics."  As I mentioned recently, as my blogs were starting to get a little Schleprocky (look it up "Gen Z"), I wanna keep things breezy and a little cheesy; so, how about some blogs about cats?  Sure, why not? If anyone (or thing) rules the internet with their combination of charm and mystery and shenanigans, it's kitty cats!

We Need To Talk About Lara...

Lara is a Calico-cat.  Did you know that almost all Calico cats are females?  A male is extremely rare.  It's some genetic trait that both gives them their distinct coloring and gender.  I think it also gives them another trait: bitchiness.

Lara had a vet once who told me that Calico cats were "grumpy."  Boy did he underplay it.  I think he upgraded Lara to "psychotic" after he nearly bled out when she slashed his wrist open.  She ended up with warning stickers all over her chart: "Proceed With Caution."  Lara does not like going to the vet.  I do not like taking her to the vet.  She becomes so agitated she's like a cat-grenade with the pin pulled out.  I actually bring work gloves with me to handle her.  Or I used to.  Now I just hand her over in her carrier and leave.  Let them handle it.  I don't wanna know.  We had to start giving her sedatives for vet appointments.  Even with the sedatives she still becomes a set of teeth with fur.  Remember that TV movie The Langoliers  Yeah, that's what she reminds me of at the vets.

But she has issues.  I mean, issues on top of being a Calico.  Here's the backstory:
One fine day, about twelve years ago, my husband was travelling the Virginia by-ways on business.  He stopped at a gas station in the middle of nowhere (actually, everywhere around here is the middle of nowhere; but you know, the middle of nowhere kind of grows on you).  He got a beverage and a snack and was sitting outside at a picnic table when an extremely tiny kitten gamboled out of the woods and came over to him.  He asked in the store if anyone knew who the kitten belonged to.  The proprietress of the establishment told him that the kitten had just shown up that morning by herself and was hanging out near the table.  He considered taking her home; but as we already had three other cats at that point, he figured someone else would take her.  He got in his car and started off, but then, who was he kidding, he turned around and got her.  She was then presented to me as a gift.  Oh, if I knew then, what I know now...
She was so small she didn't know how to eat solid food, so we had to feed her out of an eyedropper.  Then she graduated to cat gravy.  A little brown spot started developing on her nose.  For the longest time I thought it was gravy. I mean, I used to try and wipe it off until a month in, when I realized it was permanent.  Duh.  One of her nick-names is "Gravy-face."

To be continued...

FADE IN ON:

EXT. PARKING LOT -NIGHT
Tight shot of a puddle, reflecting the  upside down logo of AFU Cinemas.  A woman's foot in a six-inch stiletto shoe comes into frame and steps in the puddle, splintering the reflection in the water.

CUT TO:
Close-up of NICOLE KIDMAN as she looks up at the movie marquee and lowers the hood of her coat.  She smiles.

NICOLE (VOICE-OVER)
We come to this place for magic...

CUT TO:
Reverse angle on Nicole as she walks towards the building.  She steps into a pot-hole and the heel of her stiletto breaks off as she nearly falls to the ground.

NICOLE
No worries.  (She puts the heel in her pocket and enters the theater) (Voice-over continues) We come to AFU theaters to laugh, to cry, to care...

CUT TO:

INT. AFU THEATER LOBBY -NIGHT
Nicole catches sight of the long line at the concession stand.  Her smile falters.  She looks at her watch.
Next we see a quick montage of Nicole inching towards the counter in the mind-numbingly slow line.  She looks at her watch again.  Finally she makes it to the counter where she's met by a theater employee who practically frowns at her.

AFU EMPLOYEE
Yeah?

NICOLE
(Excitedly) One ticket for "the movies" and a large drink and a small pop-corn, please!
Another montage as the employee manages to make this transaction as looooonnnngggg as it possibly can be.

AFU EMPLOYEE
(Hitting register keys)  That'll be thirty-five dollars and fifty-cents.

NICOLE
(Rather taken aback)  Australian?

AFU EMPLOYEE
Australian what?

NICOLE
Dollars--

AFU EMPLOYEE
Does this look like down under to you lady?

NICOLE
​(Getting money out of her pocket) Crikey...

CUT TO: Nicole at the soda fountain.  She presses the ice lever and it spits out one cube.  She sighs and keeps doing it.  Her cup finally full, she attempts to put a lid on it; but it won't fit.

CUT TO: Nicole at the butter machine.  She presses the button and the butter squirts out too fast and splashes onto her suit.

​NICOLE
(Annoyed)  Great...three thousand dollar suit...that's not coming out.

CUT TO:

INT.  AUDITORIUM -NIGHT
Nicole enters the empty theater and walks up the stairs.

NICOLE (Voice-over)  We come to AFU because we need that...all of us...together...

She sits in a chair and tries to refasten the heel on her shoe.  She nibbles her pop-corn and then spits out an un-popped kernel as a couple with a baby enter the next row and sit directly behind her.  She glances over her shoulder.  (Voice-over continues)  That indescribable feeling we get when the lights begin to dim...(A man enters the row in front of her and sits right under Nicole. He pulls out a phone with an extremely bright screen which shines in Nicole's face) (Voice-over continues) Somehow we're reborn with dazzling images on a huge silver screen and sound that I can feel--(The baby starts crying at the top of its lungs.  An image flickers on the the screen.  It's a scene between her and Tom Cruise in "Days of Thunder").

​NICOLE
Are you bloody kidding me?  (She gets up to leave)

WOMAN WITH BABY
Do you mind?

NICOLE
Yeah, I (bleeping) mind.  (She takes a step and stops and looks down).  Oh, freakin' beauty, mate!  (We cut to a close-up of Nicole's bare foot in a morass of Jujubes, Coke syrup and wet popcorn).

CUT TO:
INT. AFU CORRIDOR -NIGHT
Nicole limps down the corridor.  Her other heel breaks and she drops her concessions.

NICOLE
Oh bollocks!

CUT TO:
Another empty auditorium.  Nicole plops into a seat, which is broken and her butt hits the floor. 

NICOLE
Bloody hell!
She gathers herself up and moves to the next seat.  She looks up at the screen.  The image is out of focus.

NICOLE
(Shouting) FOCUS! (Voice-over)  Somehow, heartbreak feels good in a place like this...
(The movie image focuses and it's a scene between Nicole and Tom from "Far and Away") Seriously? (She stands and leaves).

CUT TO:
INT. CORRIDOR -NIGHT
Nicole, now barefoot, wanders down the hall and enters a third auditorium.

​CUT TO:
INT. AUDITORIUM -NIGHT

NICOLE
(Voice-over)  Our heroes feel like the best part of us--(The screen lights up with a scene from "Eyes Wide Shut" Nicole covers her eyes) Oh bloody (bleeped) Hell!

CUT TO:
INT. LOBBY -NIGHT
Nicole staggers towards the exit.

NICOLE
(Voice-over) And stories feel perfect and powerful...because here...they are--

​SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. STREET -NIGHT
Nicole's car is on blocks, its tires gone.

​NICOLE
(Voice-over) AFU Theaters.  We make movies better.

Nicole puts her hood back up and slinks away into the night.  It starts pouring rain.

NICOLE
Bloody (bleeping) bollocks!

I just posted an image of the Copyright, Registered and Trademark symbols at the end of Part 1 of this blog in an admittedly snarky jab at "you know whos."  But then I thought, hey wait Chris, you're using images on your website that you just pulled off the web that are probably "all rights reserved" etc.  So, if it's not "fair use" I will take them down, if and when I receive a "cease and desist" notice.  And since I'm in no way making any kind of money from this website, I don't feel particularly guilty about it.

So, back to Cheeseheads.  You know, in writing the twelve year-old character of "Rochelle" it is taking every ounce of restraint I can muster to keep her from being precocious.  My fingers keep wanting to type bon-mots, wise-cracks, beyond-her-years comments and Quinn Cummingsesque asides in her dialogue.  It's really hard to fight the temptation.  I daresay, nearly impossible.  Think of how many precocious kids (particularly girls) have piped up on sitcoms over the years.  Pretty much since day one.  So, if one or two kid quips slip in there, don't be surprised.  So, moving on...let's start on ACT TWO, after this word from Calgon:

ACT TWO

EXT. TITLETOWN BREWING COMPANY RESTAURANT -NIGHT
Taft pulls her car into a space, gets out and walks towards the restaurant, which is housed in an old train station and has a massive statue of Green Bay Packers player, Donald Driver leaping from atop a giant football.

​(So, now, here in late 2021, we're about to step out on to some thin ice.  I am going to introduce two characters who are Japanese: YOSHI FUKUMOTO, LATE 20'S and his little sister HIMARI FUKUMOTO, 12ish.  I think it's strange that I'm even questioning it.  In writing two characters who happen to be from Japan; am I somehow courting the dreaded specter of "cultural appropriation"?  Is it somehow "racist" of me to even presume to introduce and write about two characters who are not of the same cultural and ethnic background as myself?  I say no.  The world is full of people from different backgrounds, cultures, ethnicities, religions, races, and so on and so on.  I mean, am I only allowed to write about white, Irish-Catholic, Boston-native, gay men?  If I were, that would make for some very boring, tunnel-vision writing.  I will try my best to respectively (Shit!  There's that word again.  I meant "respectfully") and authentically represent these two characters as accurately as I can; and if this show were to actually be produced, I would hire a Japanese consultant to make sure the representation of the culture and its idiosyncrasies and etiquette were represented as faithfully as possible.  If I do not nail it "from the git go"--I apologize in advance.  But, you know, I already have two African-American characters; so what's the difference.*  Maybe that they're American?).
*(That difference referring to the decision to write about other races).

CUT TO:

INT. TITLETOWN BREWERY -NIGHT
Taft enters the bar area, which is not very crowded, and sees her brother Colton at the bar.  He waves and comes over to her.  They hug and exchange greetings.

TAFT
Oh, I miss you!  (She raises her hand as she did with her older brother.  Colton looks at her expectantly).

COLTON
What?

TAFT
Whadda ya mean, "what?"  (He's not getting it.  She sighs).  "The Secret Schmidt Shimmy-Shake!"

COLTON
Oh!  Right!  I'm a little rusty, Taft.

​TAFT
Don't feel, bad...(she tries to initiate the hand-shake; but it's not working)  Don't feel blue...(Colton tries but hopelessly starts tanking) Frankenstein was ugly too...(Nada) Oh, forget it!  Let's have a drink. (They return to where Colton was sitting at the bar).

TAFT
I just wanted to thank you for letting me crash at your place.

COLTON
No problem.

TAFT
I won't be cramping your style or anything or with anyone...?

COLTON
Definitely not a problem there.  In fact there's nothing there.  Or no one.

TAFT
What are you drinking?  (Looks at drink menu)  Look at all these beers!  Hmmm, "Titletown Haze-asaurus Rex"  That sounds interesting.

COLTON
I feel like a margarita.

TAFT
That sounds good too.  Sold!  (Motions to bartender who approaches)  Two margaritas my good man.  I'll have mine on the rocks with salt.

COLTON
Same for me.

(I have zero involvement with The Titletown Brewing  Company.  I came upon it in my research and it looks like a really cool place.  Why don't TV shows ever feature real restaurants from the towns they're set in?  So let's throw a bone to Green Bay commerce!  For reals!).
(P.S.  I typically abhor "product placement")

TAFT
It's a little warm in here.

COLTON
You're wearing a full-length, fur-coat in September.  (He helps her out of it).  Seriously Taft, fur?  I thought you were a little more--and I hate this word--woke--than that.

TAFT
This old thing?  It's falling apart!  It was grand mom's.

COLTON
Which grand mom, because I don't remember--

TAFT
My father's mother.  I'm pretty sure you never met her.  And besides, whatever little creatures gave their lives for this coat are long dead.  Nothing is going to change that.  I feel like I am honoring the--whatever these things are.

COLTON
Beaver.

TAFT
Excuse me?

COLTON
Sheared beaver.  And me thinks you're rationalizing.

TAFT
Colton, I don't want to talk about my personal life! (Laughs as the bartender places the drinks in front of them).  And please don't say "methinks."  People will think you're a nerd, methinks.  Like I used to be.

COLTON
(Raises glass)  Well I'm a proud, card-carrying member of the club. Here's to nerds!  (They clink glasses).

TAFT
(Looks around)  Well this place is fun--(she does a double take as she watches a pair at a table. A very small Japanese girl, HIMARI FUKUMOTO, 12ish places a foam cheese-wedge hat on the head of a very large Japanese man. He is her brother, YOSHI FUKUMOTO, LATE 20's. Himari pulls out a smart phone and takes a selfie with him.  He quickly and sheepishly removes the hat).

TAFT
He looks like a sumo wrestler. 

COLTON
He probably is.

TAFT
And he keeps looking at you.

​COLTON
No.  No, he's not.  Is he?  (Taft nods her head, saucily and giggles).

They watch as Yoshi stands and heads toward the door.  Himari approaches Colton and Taft.  Yoshi waits by the exit.

HIMARI
I hope I'm not disturbing you.

TAFT
Oh, sweetie, we're already disturbed (laughs).

HIMARI
(To Colton)  My brother was wondering if he may shoot you his digits.  (Colton nearly does a spit take).

COLTON
Why doesn't he ask me himself?

HIMARI
He speaks almost no English and he's extremely shy.

COLTON
(Looks at Taft: Should I?  She nods excitedly)  Okay little girl, shoot away.  (He picks up his phone and Himari relays the phone number and gives a little bow).  So you're from Japan?

HIMARI
Yes.

COLTON
Don't you have school on Monday?

HIMARI
(Giggles)  Oh, I graduated from Oxford two years ago.  Thank you so much.  My brother will be very pleased.  (She bows again and is gone.  She meets Yoshi at the door and they disappear into the night).

TAFT
Well that was interesting.  He's really cute!

COLTON
Wasn't he!?!

TAFT
Let's do some tequila shots.

COLTON
Just one.  Remember you have to be fresh for this party tomorrow.

SMASH CUT TO:
Close-up of the bar.  There is definitely more than one shot glass in front of Taft.  She downs another one.

COLTON
Taft honey, I think that's enough for now.

TAFT
(Two-sheets to the wind)  Psssshhh-tossshhh.  I had a giant lunch with my boss.

COLTON
I thought you were your own boss.

TAFT
I am, damn it!  (Changing subject)  Why is a sumo wrestler in Green Bay?

COLTON
I've heard they sometimes come here and try and break into the NFL.

​TAFT
So what happens when you two have pillow talk?  Is the little sister going to interpret?  How weird would that be?  (Laughs).

COLTON
Thanks for putting that scenario in my head. 

TAFT
You are welcome!  (She pinches his cheek).

COLTON
Listen, Taft, I want to talk to you about something.

TAFT
I'm all ears.

COLTON
A couple of months ago I drove down to Chicago.  I wanted to surprise you at the restaurant.  But when I got there, it was closed.

TAFT
There was a lockdown.

COLTON
No, Taft, there wasn't.  And the restaurant wasn't just like closed.  It looked closed, closed.

TAFT
(Abruptly)  It went under.  Or rather, it went up.  As in "belly up."  C'est la vie, I guess.

COLTON
So, this is probably none of my business, but, like, what are you doing for money?

TAFT
(Looks at him.  This is a huge moment.  She wants to get it off her chest.  And, she's drunk.  A pause as she looks down at her glass and then back at Colton)  I'm a hooker.

COLTON
(What can he say?)  You...make rugs?

TAFT
Nope.  I'm a Lady of the Night.

COLTON
(Hopefully) The late shift at Northwestern Hospital?

TAFT
I'm a call girl.

COLTON
Extended car warranties?

TAFT
(Loudly)  I'm a whore!  (Suddenly, the booze hits her full force.  She lurches off the barstool and starts dancing around singing "I'm a whore" mixed in with bits of "Lady Marmalade."

COLTON
Okay, time to get you home.

CUT TO:
Parking lot.  Taft is staggering as her brother guides her across the pavement.  She looks up at the statue of the football player.

TAFT
Nice ass baby!  (Singing to the tune of "Ice Ice Baby") Nice ass baby, nice ass baby.  Hey let's get a selfie!

COLTON
No.  We're going home now.

TAFT
Where's my car...?

COLTON
It will be fine here overnight.  I'll drive.  (They get to his car and he piles her into it).

TAFT
Oh, I love my little baby brother...

CUT TO:
INT.  COLTON'S APARTMENT -NIGHT
Colton's place is tiny but charming.  He guides Taft, who is now muttering nonsense, into the bedroom.

INT. COLTON'S BEDROOM -NIGHT

TAFT
(Looking into Colton's eyes)  I wanted to be the next Julia Child, Colton...not the next Xaviera Hollander...

​COLTON
Girl, you gotta update your references.

He lets her go and she falls on to the bed.  Colton removes her shoes.  He's holding the fur coat, which he gently covers her with.  He exits the room and leaves the door ajar.  He sits on his sofa and sighs.  He takes his phone out and looks at the phone number Himari gave him.  His finger hovers above the "Call" icon, and then the phone rings.  He answers.

​COLTON
Hi Mom.  Yes, she's here.  Oh, she's already in bed.  Yeah, she was super tired.  I'll ask her to call you in the morning--sorry, tell her to call you in the morning.  See you tomorrow.  Goodnight.  (He clicks off the phone, sits back on the couch and closes his eyes.  Then, to himself:) Do they have cheese in Japan?

TAG

INT. COLTON'S BEDROOM -MORNING
Taft is completely covered by the fur coat.  Her phone starts LOUDLY ringing it's obnoxious ring-tone.  She sits up and groans, then desperately searches for the phone in the coat.  She finds it, takes it out and answers.

TAFT
Hello...?  (We can hear the voice of Rochelle singing "The Birthday Song" at the top of her lungs)  Oh, that's great sweetie...you have a lovely singing voice...(but the voice doesn't stop singing)  That's great Shell, really really great...(she clutches her head in the throes of hang-over misery as the song keeps going)  Really, terrific...(and we FADE TO BLACK).

​(OUT)

So, there you have it folks.  Hope you like it.
I don't know if I've exactly proven that anyone can make a sitcom.  This is still on the page; not on a TV near you.  So maybe it would be more accurate to say "anyone can write a sitcom."  Season 1, Episode 2 will obviously be about the birthday party the next day, wherein we can bring all the characters together.  Sorry Aaron Rodgers; but don't worry, you will get your own episode.  I already have a plot idea.  You come into the store to buy snow-shoes and end up with no pants on (it will be hilarious!).
I've gotta say though, and I'm not patting myself on the back (maybe); but I'm already in love with all these people.  What a thrill it would be to see them come to life--certainly with the actors I suggested--but, whoever really. And these characters literally sprang at random from a paper bag.
I have no idea how many pages this runs, at this point; but it feels like it's about the right length.  Maybe a little on the long side.  In that case, we could split the pilot into two: a pilot and Episode 1.  And if it's too short, we can easily ad more scenes.  Thanks for reading.  So, I suppose the next step is to retype this entire script in the proper format, wherein I will more than likely do some "polishing."  I'll post it somewhere when I'm finished.
​And not to be snarky; but:

CFReidy October 18, 2021

And I'm going to prove it!
In this blog I am going to create and write the pilot for a brand new sitcom, from scratch, with nothing but random prompts.  I will generate, via sticking my finger into a dictionary (or a light socket) words, names, verbs, subjects, etc.  I will write these things on scraps of paper, pull them from a hat and then build my sitcom from there.  This will require some prep, but I will take you through this, step-by-step (hey, wasn't that a sitcom!??!).  So keep visiting and the fun will start soon!

​And we're back!
Before we dive into this, I wanted to mention that I have numerous "real" ideas for sitcoms; but I've learned discretion is the better part of cutpursery.  I mean, it's not for nothing that Steven Spielberg has a sound-proof meeting room equipped with a Cone of Silence.  Am I right people?  Yeah, you know who you are.

This is neither here nor there; but, whilst thinking on this topic, I kept developing a sit-com idea for Michael "The Situation" Sorrentino. He kept popping into my head for some reason. Here's the pitch: the show is called The Sitch-Com and it stars Mike as himself, complete with "The Situation" nickname.  However, in true sit-com tradition, we change his last name to something very similar.  How about Tarantino?  That would be perfect because it could also be a running gag on the show.  People keep mistaking Mike for Quentin Tarantino and/or asking him if he knows Quentin Tarantino or has ever met him or assumes he's into women's feet.  The hilarity begins! 
The show starts when Mike is out at a bar with his crazy Italian friends.  They hang out at an Irish bar in Rehoboth Beach.  In the pilot, Mike becomes smitten with the new bar-maid, a recent Irish immigrant named Rose of Sharon.  She's a sassy, fun loving gal; but she does not suffer fools well.  And boy does she think Mike is a fool!  It's a meet-cute-will-they-or-won't-they type situation.  Of course they will, sooner or later!  In the meantime, Mike dreams of opening an Italian restaurant.  He's a fireman who does most of the cooking for the firehouse.  Mike's crazy Italian friends are also fellow firefighters, of course.  We also see some of Mike's home-life.  He still lives at home with his crazy Italian parents and crazy Italian siblings (to be determined).  Mama and Papa could be played by Paul Sorvino and Lainie Kazan.  Sis could be played by Mira Sorvino!  I love this!  The Sitch-Com has a lot of very special episodes.  Like the time Mike gets caught in a burning house collapse.  Or the time Mike's best friend, who is a firefighter, comes out of the closet. Or the time Rose of Sharon is kidnapped by an IRA splinter group.  Or the time Mira goes on a date with an environmentalist and learns about the dangers of over-fishing and coastal erosion.  In fact, the show is kind of known for its very special episodes.  It may even be a "sit-dram"!  That is, of course, if it turns out Mike Sorrentino can actually act.  Hey, I'd watch this!  
MTV are you listening?  Contact me to discuss finder's fees.

Okay, enough of that.  So, here's the skinny.  I found that random dives into the dictionary were not really the best process for this; so, I recruited my husband to come up with lists of names, surnames, professions and locations.  So, he is officially the "co-creator" of the show.  The names etc. were then put into separate paper bags and retrieved at random.  The first set of names etc. was as follows:

Lorene Mitterand, lawn care service owner from Green Bay, Wisconsin.

And then nine more combinations were drawn.  I will list those here; but remember, this initial process is to create the premise and the basic foundation of the show.  Here are the other characters and what they do (in the order they came out of the bags):

Natalie Sanders, unemployed factory worker
Golnaz Taft, high-end prostitute
Jabul Dehdashti, state senator
Albert Schmidt, TSA agent
Imogene Gibson, historical house docent
Yoshi Washington, civil engineer
Jack Goldfarb, Ebay seller
William Gowabaza, life-guard
Axel Southward, ariline co-captain

So, there we go.  Now, none of this is set in stone.  Molding, recombining, tweaking, developing will ensue, in order for the show to have form and make some kind of sense.  But here's the basics.  Here's the first pitch.  Our Show is called:
                                                                                   
                                                                                      Cheeseheads

Cheeseheads  follows the adventures and misadventures of the "Mitterand Lawn Care and Snow Removal" (a.k.a. Outside Things) company in Green Bay, Wisconsin.  The owners of the company are LORENE MITTERAND-SCHMIDT and her husband, ALBERT SCHMIDT.  They are both somewhere on the border of late 60's, early 70's.  They've been married for many years and their company specializes in landscaping, greenery, flowers, etc. It's something of a catch-all nursery and hardware store. During the cold Wisconsin winter, they switch over to snow plowing and such-like.  Picture Kathy Bates as Lorene and Danny Glover as Albert.

Albert has a side gig as a TSA agent at Austin Straubel International Airport where his best friend, AXEL SOUTHWARD, 60'S, is a captain at Wisconsin Central Airways.  Axel is often grounded for various hilarious reasons and hangs out a lot at the Mitterand-Schmidt household.  Picture John Michael Higgins as Axel:

You can't avoid "tropes" in this game; so let's just steal from the best and admit it.  It's homage.  Just think of Howard from The Bob Newhart Show and you've pretty much got your Axel.  But I'm sure Michael will bring his own stamp to it.
So, we need a sparring partner for Kathy Bates' character.  And who spars better than a sister?  Nobody!  Except maybe an actual sparring partner when you box.  So, let's see...Kathy has a busy-body, know-it-all, kinda bitchy (but with a heart of gold) sister.  IMOGENE GOLDFARB, late 60's, is Lorene's older sister. She works as a docent at The Hazelwood Historic House in Green Bay. She also sells artisanal cheeses out of the gift-shop.  Imogene (or Genie, as she's called) has a real head for cheese.  And head cheese!  She is also the source for the show's endless supply of cheese jokes. But her cheese wins awards, so don't push it.  She is married to JACK GOLDFARB, around the same age as his wife.  Imogene will be played by Jane Curtin.  Why?  Because she's freakin' Jane Curtin and she's perfect for this role.  Also, Jane is a good-luck charm whose hits column far outweighs the misses (hell, I even loved the short lived Crumbs that lasted maybe three episodes; she's great in everything! And bonus: she's a Masshole!!!* Come to think of it, so is John Michael Higgins!!!!):

*Please refer to my blog titled "Massholes, Potato-Heads and Yaw Cuzin' From Bawstin" for more information.

JACK GOLDFARB, her husband, is retired; but he runs an Ebay selling business out of their garage.  Jack is a mercurial, happy-go-lucky type fellow (who unfortunately is also a philanderer).  He clashes a lot with his in-laws (kind of an "ants vs. grasshopper" thing).  I think that he must be played by none other than...drumroll please...Mr. Jeff Goldblum:

Lorene and Albert have three adult children.  Two sons and a daughter.  The daughter is the middle child.  Her name is TAFT SCHMIDT.  She's in her early 30's.  Stunningly beautiful, Taft lives in Chicago.  She's pursuing a law degree while making ends meet as a high-end call girl (which of course, she is trying to hide from her family at all costs).  Actually, being a hooker is more lucrative, she finds, than being a lawyer; but she's aging, so she's got some hard decisions to make.  Think Katherine Heigl.  In fact, let's cast Katherine.  She's perfect for the role.  Complicated.  Beautiful and comedic.  She's a little too old for the role; but she reads younger.  And we could save her from ZzzQUILL-land:

Taft's older brother is GIBSON SCHMIDT, 40'S.  I'm picturing a Vince Vaughn type.  In fact, let's just cast Vince Vaughn (this show is starting to get expensive).  Gibson manages the business.  He was a jock in high school and was on the road to becoming a professional football player; but he got sidelined by a mystery ailment (to be determined; probably something with a funny name like, Peyronie's disease (his wife call's it "Pepperonie's disease").  Not too bright.  Good-natured but a little prone to gloominess.  Tries his best to see the bright side.  He's obsessed with the Green Bay Packers to the point where he's usually wearing a Packers shirt.  Here he is giving the vibe:

Gibson's wife is NATALIE SANDERS-SCHMIDT.  Mid 30's.  She a true Wisconsin girl, from the country.  She's a home-maker and loves it.  She and Gibson have two kids (to be determined, and also, only around when the script needs them to be).  Natalie is good-natured, fun loving, sweet and kind.  A true innocent.  Think Georgette from The Mary Tyler Moore Show, except without the lobotomy.  Natalie is easy going but she's nobody's doormat.  She will go there with the family if pressed.  And she's often pressed.  Thinking someone like...

Yes, Ms. Jones will do quite nicely.

Okay, so this cast is growing as well as the locales.  Clearly this is going to have to be a single-camera show given the deluxe treatment on HBO or some such.  Have they ever done a single camera sit-com with an audience?  Maybe that could be a very special episode...
So, I keep looking at that picture of the kid in the Packers jersey with the wedge of cheese on his head.  He wasn't initially part of this; but now I see he should be (the high school football player part, anyways).  So, Gibson and Natalie have two kids.  A teen-age boy who's in high school (and on the football team, natch).  His name is FRANKIE SCHMIDT.  16 or so.  A good kid in general, but he is a teen-ager and a little on the wild side.  His dad is putting pressure on him with the whole football schtick.  He could be played by a newcomer.  How about this fellow?  Looks like a STAR to me.

And their daughter is named ROCHELLE SCHMIDT.  She's twelve and the spitting image of her mom.  And get this...she's NOT precocious!  Just a sweet and charming young lady:

The youngest sibling of the Schmidt's "the baby brother" is named COLTON SCHMIDT.  He's in his late 20's.  He's gay and he's an English teacher at the local high school.  In fact, his nephew Frankie is in his class (gotta generate those storylines!).  He's easy going, charming, good-natured, funny.  A tad on the neurotic side. But very masculine and kinda hunky.  Why, you'd never know he was gay...not that there's anything wrong with that!!!  Think someone like those dudes who star in those Hallmark Channel movies.  We could rescue one of them from Christmasland.  How about whoever this person is?  Works for me:

Like, really works.
His eyebrows are a little too thin though.  Like they've been over-plucked.  Men, I think, should not "shape" their brows.  It never looks right.  I mean, if you've got a "unibrow," sure, pluck out the middle ones; but nothing else!
Okay, I just realized something.  If Lorene and Albert are a mixed race couple, well their children wouldn't be quite so Caucasian as the actors I've suggested.  So, either Lorene was married to a white guy who died, deserted or divorced her; or, she married Albert later on and they adopted.  Or, and this is the one I'm going with...Lorene was married to a man before Albert, whom she is now divorced from (to be determined).  Her first two kids, Gibson and Taft were with her first husband.  She and Albert had Colton.  Which means Colton has to be mixed.  So, sorry Hallmark dude, we gotta recast (and it certainly ain't gonna be from The Hallmark Channel, right people?  How about Brit, Lucien Laviscount?  Can he do comedy?  Does it matter if he looks like Lucien Laviscount?  (Please see pilot script for picture of Mr. Laviscount).​
​So, that's our main cast!  There will of course be peripheral characters, guest stars, recurring characters, special guest stars (Aaron Rodgers makes his sitcom debut in Season 1, Episode 2: Everybody Loves Aaron), etc.
For example, in one episode, Colton goes on a date with a sumo wrestler named YOSHI FUKUMOTO who doesn't speak a word of English.  Yoshi is always accompanied by his sister, who interprets for him.  She is a precocious twelve year old.  Her name is HIMARI FUKUMOTO. She could be played by Neo Baba.
You can see where the hilarity will ensue from that sitch!  Also, I will now refer to the situation in sit-com as "sitch."  Why?  Because I'm sometimes a bit pretentious.   And also, very silly.

Now, in the title of this blog I stated "anyone can make a sitcom."  Weknowdis.  But a good one?  One that's actually entertaining and truly funny?  That remains to be seen.  I was going to say that I was going to sign off for a while to go and write this thing; but I told you I'd take you through this, step-by-step.  So...I will do that.  First thing is THE TEASER.
Now let's get cracking!
Now, in a sit-com script, you have what is called the "teaser" or "cold open."  That's when the show just starts with a scene that runs about four or five minutes (often less).  It's not even necessarily germane to the plot.  The teaser usually leads into the opening credits.  However, most networks are so tight right now, they won't indulge that luxury (why?  Because they can squeeze another commercial in).  Cheeseheads will have opening credits and a theme song.  In the tradition of recycling old pop songs (e.g.: "Thank You For Being A Friend" from Golden Girls); I think I've found the perfect one.  Certainly old, kind of obscure but still popular.  Has lyrics that vaguely refer to the working class vibe of the show and are somewhat ambiguous, I give you: "Sunshine" from 1971 by Jonathan Edwards:

Since Weebly doesn't offer font options, I can't type this in "Courier" which is standard for film and TV scripts.  And I also don't have tabs, so I can't put the script in traditional format.  This will view more like a play script.  So...here we go.  Excited yet?

(Though they are not usually part of a script--well, they're never part of a script--I will be supplying you with sidenotes in parentheses and in italics.  Since we're delving into the creative process, let's share everything!  For example: I mentioned above that Taft Schmidt is pursuing a law degree; but that she's also nearing her mid-30's.  Well, if Taft is in her mid-30's she's been pursuing that law degree for a long time.  If she's not a lawyer yet, she would've had to have failed the Bar Exam a good twenty times!  Which is pretty funny.  However, it would also mean that she's not very bright; which she is--bright, I mean.  So, I'm going to change Taft's backstory from law, to cooking.  She'd pursued a master's degree in cooking, opened her own restaurant right before Covid hit and then went under.  Which is why she's fallen back on prostitution (which secretly she really enjoys and is really good at.  The business part I mean...) 

Cheeseheads
Pilot
by Christopher Reidy and J.R. Butts
Turquoise Crow Productions
September 9, 2021

TEASER

INT. TAFT SCHMIDT'S APT. CHICAGO  -MORNING

TAFT SCHMIDT, 30something, blonde and super-model pretty, climbs out from beneath her comforter and searches for her phone which is ringing.  She falls out of the bed and onto the floor and finds the phone under a brassiere.  She grabs it and answers.

TAFT
Hello?  What?  What time is it?  Oh God!  I'm so sorry.  I can be there in twenty minutes--can you wait?  Oh, listen Laraine, I'm so sorry.  Yes.  I'll see you when I get there.  (She clicks the phone off).  Shit...  (She groans and pulls herself off the floor).

INT. THE SIGNATURE ROOM AT THE HANCOCK TOWER  -DAY
Taft is escorted to a table near the window, where sits her boss, LARAINE NEWMAN.  (Yes, that Laraine Newman, because she's playing the character).  The waiter pulls out her chair and ceremoniously presents Taft with a menu.  She sits, looking a little worse for the wear; but still impossibly gorgeous.

TAFT
Laraine, I'm--

LARAINE
Don't say anything sweetheart.  It's your birthday.  I'm not even aware that you're late; I was able to make several very important calls.  Which reminds me; Jabul is in town and he's dying to see you again!

​TAFT
Oh, wait, he's the...the...the--

LARAINE
Senator.

TAFT
Right.

LARAINE
So, I've put together a coffee break and hot lunch for tonight, if that's doable?

TAFT
Oh, uhm, yeah.  Sure.  I was supposed to drive up to Green Bay but seriously, if I can put it off, I'll put it off.

LARAINE
What's in Green Bay?  Not one of the Packers!

TAFT
No...my family.

LARAINE
You know Taft, you've been working for me for what now?  Eight years?  And you have never once told me about your family...

TAFT
And why would I?  Why would you want to know?

LARAINE
I have an Enquiring mind.

TAFT
Really?

LARAINE
I think of all my girls as my daughters; and as a mom, I want to know at least a little something.  So tell me!

TAFT
Fine June Cleaver.  Well.  There's my mom and dad.  Lorene and Albert...

CUT TO: 
INT. "MITTERAND'S OUTSIDE THINGS-NURSERY AND SNOW EQUIPMENT"  GREEN BAY, WI -DAY
ALBERT SCHMIDT, 60 somethingish, is playing Voice of the Mummy (an elaborate Egyptian board game that talks) at the front register counter with his friend, AXEL SOUTHWARD, late 50's. Albert has a bottle of beer.  Axel, a martini. Albert rolls the dice and lands on a Tut mask space.  He presses the button on the game's mummy shaped sarcophagus.  The mummy speaks!

MUMMY
"You have escaped the crushing clutches of the one-eyed giant mandrill.  Take three jewels."

ALBERT
Three!  Heh heh! (he laughs and takes the jewels from the board-game).

AXEL
Lucky duck (he picks up the dice) Do mandrills only have one eye?

ALBERT
Now Axel, I don't think anything has only one eye.  Except maybe a cat! 

LORENE MITTERAND-SCHMIDT, 60 something, comes from the back lugging a bucket of nuts, bolts, screws, etc.  She hoists the bucket on to the counter.

LORENE
(To Axel) What are you doing here?  I thought you had flights all week.

AXEL
My blood pressure is up again...(sips his drink).

LORENE
I asked you to sort these Al.

ALBERT
After the game.  I'm winning!

LORENE
(Pouring bucket of hardware pieces onto the counter, disrupting the game)  Now you're losing.

AXEL
Well that wasn't very nice!

LORENE
I'm trying to get my blood-pressure down.  Why don't you make yourself useful Axel and help him?
She bustles out the door.

AXEL
Speaking of giant one-eyed mandrills--

ALBERT
(Raising a finger)  Nope.  I can say whatever I want about her; but nobody else can.  

​He swipes the hardware away and they continue playing the game.
(Scripts also don't typically feature visual material; but since I don't want this to get "dry" I will be supplying it).

Cut back to Laraine:

LARAINE
Well they sound adorable!

TAFT
Sure.  Adorable.  And then there's my brother, Gibson.  My sister-in-law Natalie is a total cheese-head...

LARAINE
Well who isn't up there?
(Rewrite Alert!  Since we've changed Natalie's character into the driving force behind her son's football career, she kind of has to be into the Green Bay Packers.  Here's the original line followed by the rewrite):

TAFT
No.  I mean, she could care less about the Packers.  She's a real cheesehead.  She grew up on a dairy farm.  I mean, she actually used to do things until the cows came home.

TAFT
Well, yeah, she pretty much lives for the Packers; but I mean she is a real cheesehead.  She grew up on a dairy farm.  This girl actually​ did things until the cows came home.

CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN -NIGHT 
The Green Bay home of GIBSON and NATALIE SCHMIDT 40's and their kids, FRANKIE and ROCHELLE, 16 and 12, respectively.  Rochelle enters the kitchen where her mother is finishing setting the table.

ROCHELLE
I tried mom.  They're just ignoring me.

Natalie goes to the kitchen drawer and opens it.

CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM -NIGHT
Gibson and Frankie, both wearing football jerseys are staring at a football game with glazed eyes.  Natalie enters the room.

NATALIE
Boys, dinner is ready.  (They ignore her. Louder) Boys, dinner is ready...(still no response).  Boys.  Dinner is ready. (still nothing.  She raises an airhorn and pulls the trigger.  The two men jump off the couch like they've been shot out of a cannon).

Cut back to Laraine:

LARAINE
I love it!  I think I'll try that with some of my less motivated girls.

TAFT
Then there's my auntie Genie and Uncle Jack.  They make my mom and dad look like...the Cleavers!

CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM AT THE GOLDFARB RESIDENCE GREEN BAY -DAY
IMONGENE "GENIE" GOLDFARB, 60's, finds her husband's blazer on the bed.  She picks it up and his phone falls out of the pocket.  She's about to put it on the nightstand when it bings.  A beat.  Should she look?  She frowns and opens the message.  It's a close-up of a woman's chest, in a very low-cut dress.  Imogene strides out of the room.

CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM -DAY
Imogene's husband, JACK GOLDFARB, 60's, is at a baby grand piano.  And he's having a grand old time, tickling the ivories and singing "When the Saints Go Marching In" is a jazzy-breezy style.  Imogene suddenly looms over the piano.

JACK
Oh, hi honey!  (Continues singing).

GENIE
Don't "hi honey" me.  (She holds up the phone and shows him the boob photo).  Whose tits are these?

JACK
(Shrugs)  Honey, you can't see her face, so how would I know?

GENIE
Well, why are whoever's tits these belong to on your phone?

JACK
It's some kind of scam.  She probably wants money.

GENIE
Well, those are not the tits of a Nigerian princess.  (She flips down the lid of the keyboard cover and Jack yelps in pain.  Genie storms out of the room).

JACK
You almost broke the skin!

Cut back to Laraine as the waiter places salmon in front of her.

LARAINE
My ex-husband was a boob man.  No wonder he divorced me!

GENIE
(Looking down at her plate)  I think they overdid this charred eggplant...

LARAINE
So, is that it?

​GENIE
Well, there's my baby brother, Colton.
(Who we've established will be played by Mr. Laviscount):

(Really, really works for me.)

CUT TO:
INT. GREENBAY SOUTHWEST GENERAL HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM -DAY
COLTON SCHMIDT, late 20's, is sitting on his desk, talking to his English class.  Many of the male students, including his nephew Frankie, are wearing Southwest General football jerseys.

COLTON
...and since we have so many athletes in the class, I thought we could start out the year by reading this...(he holds up a copy of "A Separate Peace" by John Knowles.  The kids GROAN)  Why are you groaning?  You're gonna love it!  It's all about jocky guys at a jocky school who jump out of trees during World War Two!  (a female student in a cheerleading outfit raises her hand)  Yes, Shelley?

SHELLEY
That's the war that's about M*A*S*H, right?

COLTON
Well, M*A*S*H is set during the Korean war...

SHELLEY
And that's where that Kim Chun King is planning to take over the world?

COLTON
Sort of.  Are there any other questions?  (Frankie raises his hand).  Frankie?

FRANKIE
We can like, read this off our phones, right?

COLTON
No!  (more GROANS from the class)  I'm sorry; but I want you to actually read the words off of a page made out of paper.  Look, (he holds up the book) look at how thin it is!  It's only two-hundred pages!  Fits right in a pocket! (The bell RINGS)  Frankie, I want to speak to you for a minute. (The class files out and Frankie goes to Colton's desk.  Colton holds out his hand)  Hand it over.

FRANKIE
(Sighs as he reaches in his book bag and pulls out a shiny red apple.  He hands it to Colton)  It wasn't my idea.

COLTON
(Chuckles).  Tell your mom I said thanks.  (Frankie starts out)  Frankie, listen...ahh, you don't have any problem being in my class, do you?

FRANKIE
No dude.  I mean, everyone knows your gay.

COLTON
I meant that I was your uncle.

FRANKIE
Why would that be a problem dude?  I love you bruh!

COLTON
That's "Uncle Bruh" to you.  (He bites into the apple with gusto as Frankie leaves).

CUT to Laraine, sipping coffee.

LARAINE
I thought those boys were gay.

TAFT
Well, my brother is.  I never even considered my nephew--

LARAINE
I meant the two boys from A Separate Peace.  Anyways, I think you should--(she's interrupted by the wait staff who place a piece of cake with a candle in it, in front of Taft.  They sing "The Birthday Song" like a choir of angels and then clap and depart the table)  I think you should go up to see your family.  You only get one, you know.

TAFT
Which is certainly more than enough.  But what about Jabul?

LARAINE
He's too kinky for you.  He likes those hot fudge sundaes.  I can get Pamela to go.  She's a freak.

TAFT
Well, they are planning a surprise birthday party for me.

LARAINE
Will you be surprised?

TAFT
Only if I make it out of there in one piece.  (She contemplates the candle then blows it out)  

LARAINE
Piece of cake!  (They both grab forks and attack the slice of cake).

CUT TO: Credit sequence with theme song "Sunshine" by Jonathan Edwards.

​ACT ONE

(Well, that was a rather long teaser; but I don't think there's any set rules as to how long a teaser should or shouldn't be.  However, I think we've relayed a lot of information about what the show is in about in ten minutes or so.  Nowadays there's no time to ease into things with an audience (according to to "the experts"); you need to hook them from "the git-go" as Nancy Grace would say.  I think Nancy needs to do a guest spot on Cheeseheads.  Maybe she's Imogene's cheese-crafting rival at the Wisconsin State Fair.  So now we've got ACT ONE to consider, the first of two acts.  The second act is called ACT TWO.
So, we've established that Taft is heading North to to Green Bay to see the family.  But which part of the family?  Sitcoms generally try to whittle down the characters and action to a small group of people who all live in the same space.  For a three camera sitcom (filmed in front of a "live audience"), you kind of have to.  For a one camera sitcom, which plays more like a film, you have more leeway.  But you still need to get all the characters in the same locations in order to interact and hopefully crack-wise and make the audience clutch their flanks with unbridled laughter.  For example: our group of friends from "Friends" all live in pretty much adjoining rooms.  Except for Ross, who seems to always be there for some reason.  And the coffee shop, where the couch seems to be in a constant state of vacancy for only the friends (that always pissed me off about that show.  What if I went to Central Perk and wanted to sit on the over-stuffed red sofa?  Well, I couldn't!  Because those people were Sofa Hogs!).  "Life In Pieces" had everyone in this extended family all living in houses next to one another.  Which struck me as kind of creepy.  I mean, who would do that, outside of Utah?  That show also had a lot of obnoxious, unlikable characters which Is what I think killed it.  I mean that bald doctor always taking his clothes off and talking about his junk?  Yecch! 
​"Home Economics" a new ABC show has the gimmick of everyone getting together for Sunday brunch at the rich brother's house.  That's great; but nobody on the show ever has anything else to do on Sundays?  "Modern Family" sort of solved the problem of logistics.  I mean, everybody lived in different houses in different parts of the same city.  And there were a lot of characters with different storylines that they managed to overlap. Still, who spends that much time with their extended family?  "Soap," must've been a complicated thing to shoot with three cameras in front of an audience with all those scene changes.  So many sets!  Needless to say, "Soap" is one of my all-time favorite TV shows.  It had had tons of characters and storylines, and a lot of the time, characters and stories never overlapped.  So, it can be done.
But back to Cheeseheads.  So, Taft would of course be welcome at her parent's house.  They have a guest room.  But have you ever stayed at your parent's house after you've grown up and left?  Yeah, so, it can be stressful.  I think Taft would either stay at a hotel or with her younger brother.  But first, she'd probably pay a visit to her niece and nephew, who she hasn't seen in some time.  So that's where we'll start...)...

EXT. GIBSON AND NATALIE'S HOUSE -LATE AFTERNOON (I think you're only supposed to use DAY or NIGHT here but I'll take the risk.  We want to establish mood, yes?  Or no?  I mean, do you really need "mood" on a sitcom?  We shall see...)
Taft pulls up in front of the house in a two-seat, luxury roadster.  She looks at the house, smiles and then sighs.

EXT. GIBSON AND NATALIE'S HOUSE -LATE AFTERNOON

Taft is standing on the front porch in a fur coat with a Neiman-Marcus shopping bag.  She knocks on the door and before she's even at knock number two, the door flies open, revealing her excited young niece ROCHELLE.

ROCHELLE
Auntie!

TAFT
Hi Rochelle!

​Rochelle pulls her into the house, nearly breaking her aunt's arm in the process.

INT. HOUSE -LATE AFTERNOON
Rochelle has her aunt in a bear hug.

ROCHELLE
I love your coat!

Natalie comes out of the kitchen and joins the pair.

NATALIE
Hi Taft!  Rochelle, let go of your aunt.

TAFT
Hi Natalie.  (She kneels down and retrieves a box from the shopping bag and hands it to Rochelle).

ROCHELLE
So cool!  (Mispronouncing) Yevees Saint Lohrent!  (She pulls the lid off the box revealing a deluxe make-up kit).

TAFT
(Over Rochelle's shoulder to Natalie)  That's exactly how I used to pronounce it!

NATALIE
(Confused)  That's not how you pronounce it?

ROCHELLE
(To her mother)  Mom can I?

NATALIE
We discussed this.  No make-up until you're thirteen...

TAFT
Oh, I'm sorry.  I would've--

NATALIE
It's fine.  She can keep it.  She just can't wear it yet--

ROCHELLE
Mom, please?  Just a tiny bit?

NATALIE
We'll see...now go tell your brother your aunt is here.

​ROCHELLE
(As she leaves)  "We'll see" always means no.

(Hmmm.  I think you can establish mood on a sitcom.  If not through the writing, then the acting.  Here is a scene from "Soap" that demonstrates this.  Katherine Helmond was genius on this show.  She could go from daffy silliness to heartbreak on a dime--or vice-versa).

​(I'm realizing I've gotten myself into a bit of a pickle(!).  You see, I know almost nothing about football and this show is quickly turning into one that has the sport as a major plot-point.  I mean, I guess I know the bare-bones basics of how the game is played (it's actually really complicated, isn't it?); what I know even less of is how players are groomed and recruited at any level of the enterprise.  So, the character of Frankie is an incredibly talented football player (whatever position he plays...to be determined).  So I posed the question to my husband, who is quite knowledgeable on a variety of subjects; that being--how would a football career unfold for a very talented high school level player?  He explained, at length, what the process would be.  So, then I thought, well, which way would we go with this?  Is Frankie as invested in becoming a professional football player as his Dad is?  Or is it the old cliche where Dad is pushing his son for it; but the son is indifferent or doesn't really want it.  And then my hubs said: "What if it was the mom who was pushing the son for the football career?"  Bingo!  That is both perfect for the character of the mom and is way more interesting in creating family dynamics than if it were the Dad who was pushing the son.  The jury's still out on Frankie's feelings about his talents). 
But now, back to our story:

CUT TO:

INT. FRANKIE'S ROOM -LATE AFTERNOON
Frankie is reclining on his bed, reading "A Separate Peace" (the book, not his phone).  A tear trickles down his cheek and he wipes it away just as his door bursts open and Rochelle leaps into the room.

ROCHELLE
Auntie Taft is here!

FRANKIE
Shell, I asked you to knock first.  Do I have to start locking the door?

ROCHELLE
Sorry. I forgot.  Hey, are you reading a book?

FRANKIE
No, I'm doing the dance of the seven veils...(He puts the book on the night-stand)  I'll be right there...(Rochelle leaves and he picks up a gym sock off the floor and blows his nose in it).  Damn! (he sniffles).

CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM -LATE AFTERNOON
Taft takes off her coat and throws it on the recliner and reaches into the shopping bag for another box, which she hands to Natalie.

NATALIE
Oh, Taft, really!  You didn't have to do that!

TAFT
I wanted to.

NATALIE
(Opens the box and removes an Hermes scarf depicting horses in various stances)  Oh my goodness a scarf!  (Unfolding it)  It's so big!  (Pointing to one of the horses)  He looks just like the horse I had on the farm; Mulligan!  Thanks Taft!  (She hugs Taft).

​TAFT
You can actually wear it as a blouse if you want. I can show you. It's a thing.  There are online tutorials and--.

GIBSON
(Entering room)  Hey daffy Taffy!  (He goes to his sister and they hug).

TAFT
Hi Gib  (She raises her hand and Gibson follows.  Shortly, the pair are performing an elaborate secret hand-shake.  Apparently something from childhood, it even has phrases like: "Don't feel bad, don't feel blue, Frankenstein was ugly too!"  And: "Move to the left!  Move to the right!  Peel your banana and OOOMMMPPPHHH, take a bite!"  Natalie, Rochelle and Frankie, who has entered during this, watch in varying stances of delight and/or embarrassment).

FRANKIE
Can you teach me that?

TAFT
(Moving towards him)  Oh my God!  Somebody had a growth spurt!  (They hug and Frankie kisses her cheek).  Would you look at these shoulders?

FRANKIE
(Blushing)  Oh Auntie!

TAFT
(Reaching in the bag again; then, to Frankie)  Look kid, I was gonna get you a catcher's mitt or something but I know you already have everything they make for all that jock-o stuff, so, I figured you could figure out what you wanted (she hands him an Amex gift-card).

FRANKIE
Oh, Auntie, so cool!  Thank you!

NATALIE
I hope that's not too much?  How much is on it?

TAFT
Now, that's between me and Frankie  (Natalie bites her tongue and looks at Gibson).

GIBSON
Let me hang up your coat (he picks up the fur coat from the chair)  Hmmmm, fancy-schmancy!  I guess the restaurant is doing well huh?

TAFT
That old thing?  That was grandmom's.  It's falling apart.

GIBSON
Which grandmom?  I don't remember either of them wearing this (he goes to the closet).

NATALIE
Taft, we've been meaning to get down to the city and see your place; but you know with the lockdowns and all, we just couldn't.

TAFT
Oh, I understand.

NATALIE
But you are reopened, right?

TAFT
Oh, yeah!  (Quickly changing subject).  So Frankie, how's school?

FRANKIE
Well, I'm in Uncle Colton's class, so that's interesting.

TAFT
I bet.  And you're still playing ball I imagine?

NATALIE
(Scoffs) "Imagine"?  We've got scouts coming out of the woodwork.  UM is interested!

TAFT
You-em?  Ummm, what is "UM"?

GIBSON
(Sitting in recliner with a chuckle)  University of Michigan.

TAFT
Of course.  Is that, like a big deal or something?

NATALIE
(Disbelieving) Well it's only where Tom Brady got his start!

(Rewrite Alert! I just realized we could get a little joke in here, so here's the original line and then the rewrite, you know, to make it funnier):

TAFT
Oh that's great Frankie.  And you're wearing a helmet so you won't get a concussion, right?

TAFT
Oh, that's great Frankie!  And you're using protection, right?

NATALIE
Pardon me?

TAFT
(Nervous laugh) Oh, well...you know, like a helmet!  For his head!  So he won't get a concussion or something like that!

FRANKIE
Well, Auntie, it's kind of a requirement.

ROCHELLE
Don't worry. His skull is pretty thick.

GIBSON
Yeah, he comes from a long line of thick skulls; but you know Taft, I do worry about that--

​TAFT
What?

GIBSON
Head injuries

FRANKIE
Here we go...

​NATALIE
(Changing subject.  To Rochelle who is still holding the make-up kit and looking at if forlornly) Shell, go get my lighted mirror from the bathroom.

ROCHELLE
(Realizing)  Really? (Her mother nods and Rochelle is out of the room like lightning.  Natalie shoots a look at Gibson who pretends not to see it).

GIBSON
(Aiming remote at TV).  I think the Michigan-Indiana game is on ESPN...(The awkward silence is overtaken by the familiar sounds of a televised football game).

CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM -NIGHT
About an hour has passed.  Snack foods and drinks cover the coffee table, where Natalie and Taft have been showing Rochelle how to apply make-up properly.  They've also roped in Frankie, who is getting his eyes done by his sister.  

ROCHELLE
You look like Adam Lambert!

FRANKIE
Adam who?  (He looks in the mirror)  I think the purple eye-shadow is a bit much Shell.

NATALIE
So do I.  Go wash that off Frankie.

ROCHELLE
Let me get a picture!

GIBSON
Why, are you gonna blackmail him?

NATALIE
(To Rochelle)  Let me see...(she takes Rochelle's face in her hands)  I'm not gonna say you're not beautiful because you are and I don't think you need any make-up; but if you like, you can wear a little to school on Monday.

ROCHELLE
(Looking in mirror)  You know what Mom?  I think I will wait until I'm thirteen.  (She and Frankie exit the room).

NATALIE
(To Taft) You will stay for dinner, yes?

TAFT
Thank you, but I can't, I'm meeting Colton for a drink.

GIBSON
Are you gonna stay with Mom and Dad?  (Taft rolls her eyes and makes a face)  You know you can stay here too.

TAFT
Colton said he'd put me up.  Or put up with me! (Laughs)  Can I use the powder room?

NATALIE
Taft, stop.  You know where it is.  (Taft heads down the hall.  Natalie picks up the scarf and drapes it around Gibson).  What do you think of my present?

GIBSON
That's a scarf, is what it is.  (The price tag is still on it. He looks and does a double take).  She paid four hundred and fifty dollars for this?

NATALIE
(Looking at tag)  Really?  Huh, business must be pretty good!  (Holding scarf against her chest)  You know you can wear it as a blouse. (Mispronouncing) It's Hermeez!

ACT TWO
(One down, TWO to go.  This thread is getting really long, so I will post ACT TWO and THE TAG in a separate blog.  Ciao for now!)  Oh yeah; and for those of you out there who know who you are ("wink-wink"):

My book is now officially on the shelves of bookstores on both the East and West Coasts.  The trendy, glamorous and super "hip" Skylight Books in "L.A." And the beloved and staid Barnes and Noble in Saugus, Massachusetts (bedroom community/higher education nexus adjacent!).  Photogs courtesy of my darling niece.  Paging Ari Emmanuel!

Right next to Her Wicked Marquess​, yet!

Snap it up while you can, Kevin Huvane!  And there's already a sequel; just sitting here while we speak... ;)

This one is more specific.  It was penned especially for a show set in Los Angeles.  Intended for Mr. Mayor, it could be used for any show that has a moronic but loveable authority figure and at least four underlings (to make the optional spit take(s) work).  Spit takes cost extra.  There's a water cooler; so probably a workplace setting...

FADE IN ON:
The Mayor's outer office.  Mikaela, Jayden and Tommy are standing around the water cooler.

MIKAELA: The mayor is so cute!  The other day we were talking about-- 
She is interrupted by Arpi, who marches up and grabs a paper-cup.
ARPI: Oh, did I interrupt?  I'm soooo sorry; but some of us have been on the phone all morning...
She bends down to pour some water; but then she is interrupted by the Mayor who pushes her out of the way and grabs a cup.
MAYOR BREMER: (Pointing to his reddened face and speaking with a raspy voice): Poppers!
ARPI: Excuse me?
MAYOR: Poppers, jalapeno poppers for lunch! (He fills a cup with water and rushes towards his office).
JAYDEN: Someone should tell him he wants milk for that...(sips his water)
TOMMY: His honor is really starting to expand his horizons!  Mexican for lunch?  I mean a year ago, the only place he'd eat was The House of Pies.
JAYDEN: He does seem to be growing in the job.  He's definitely getting more educated about the diverse and thriving city in which we reside.
ARPI: Really?  The other day I brought up "tar pits" and he thought it was a skin condition.
MIKAELA: (Nervous laugh).  I told him that--
JAYDEN: (Does a spit take, spritzing all over Mikaela)
ARPI: Well, you might get a skin condition now.  You can call it "tar spritz."
A beat.  The mayor pops his head around the corner as the foursome sip their water.
MAYOR: Did somebody say "tits"?
Arpi, Mikaela, Jayden and Tommy do a simultaneous spit-take.  Cut to commercial.

​And scene.

Thank you.  At a hundred dollars a word and with five spit takes (at a grand per take) that'll be:
$18,700.00
You can make the check out to "Chris Reidy."

Pangolins.  An animal you've probably never seen, let alone heard of.  The only scaled mammal in the world.  And they're disappearing at an alarming rate.  Every species.  Why?  Because their scales are being sold as "medicine."  But we can save them.  Why?  Because they're cute as f***!
Anthropomorphize them!  Wait, someone already has...​
The World Wildlife Fund created a character named Lin the Pangolin and animated him (I tried to post that here but for some reason couldn't) to try and drum up some sympathy for Pangolins and other creatures like him who are targeted for usually "medicinal" purposes.  Like, an entire rhinoceros is destroyed just to get its horn because a bunch of idiots think powdered rhino horn is some kind of Viagra.  Or that somehow the animal's strength and power would be transferred to said idiot via a powdered rhino smoothie.  Are humans that stupid?  Yes, they're that stupid.  I mean we.  I can't let myself off the hook.
So Lin is for the kiddies, in order to help the children "emotionally connect" to a creature that is maybe not as cute as "f" as I said.  Their cuteness grows on you.  But they're being hunted at such a rapid rate, there's little time left for that curteness to grow on anybody.

But even truly cute animals are not immune to human cruelty.  Look at dolphins, with their built in smiles and delightful personalities.  That doesn't stop the Japanese from slaughtering them for their Taji festival.  Or the Faroe Islanders who recently murdered 1400 of them.  But I guess that's nothing compared to the number of cows and chickens that buy the farm every day in this country.

I guess anthropo-- cutesifying animals can backfire, too.  Every time Disney releases a movie that features adorable talking animals there is an upsurge in the pet trade for that particular species.  I wonder how many coral reefs were wrecked when little Janey or Jonnie wanted their own clownfish?

Or how many Dalmatians ended up in the pound when Janey and Jonnie found out they really weren't all that sweet a breed?

And I gotta say, where is the Disney Corporation, with its 200 BILLION dollars in revenue, when it comes to animal welfare.  God knows they've exploited the animal kingdom enough for profit.  Where's the payback?  Where's the Walt Disney Lion Preserve in Africa?  The Lion Kin​g has raked in around a BILLION dollars.  Disney can't give a little something something back to the King of the Jungle?  And while we're at it, where is Disney's donation to the estate of Osamu Tezuka?  You may recall he was the creator of Kimba, the White Lion; that cartoon TV show from the 60's Disney claims they never heard of and in no way ripped off.

And why does the Panda get a pass?  Why is the Panda not a food item?  How does the Panda have a restaurant named for him and manage to keep himself off the menu?

But I digress.  In any event: to those of you out there who are consuming Pangolins because their scales are thought to possess medicinal and/or magical properties; it may interest you to know that their scales are made out of keratin.  The same material that is in your fingernails!

I don't know what the going rate for Pangolin scale is; but you can get the same effect from your own hands and feet for free!  And it's a lifetime supply! Now that's good eatin'!  And you get to release your anxiety at the same time.
Maybe, instead of killing Pangolins for their scales, some entrepreneur could open a chain of preserves where guests could simply lick the Pangolin, thus preserving the animal and pleasing the human.
Yes!
"Don't delay, LICK a Pangolin today!"

​Panda painting by Trindira A @ Fine Art America

The Met Gala.  It was originally started to help fund the museum's costume collection (that is, if my recollection is correct; and that museum being the Metropolitan Museum of Art in NYC).  I'm sure it has raised a lot of money by now.  Supporting the Arts and costuming is a great thing.  But now, it's been co-opted and turned into a celebrity side-show.  Do we really need more exposure of fashion and celebrity? Does the Met's Costume Institute really need more money?  Cripes, it must have an endowment nearly as big as Harvard's by this point.
And by the way, how many birds died to feather that dress in the above photo?  Fur is out but feathers are okay?  The hypocrisy of it all.  And also, whoever that is looks like a sofa at the Playboy mansion.
So this is being breathlessly covered by E! entertainment.  Meanwhile, over on PBS, I'm watching: Extinction: The Facts, with David Attenborough:

I'm still reeling.  You can watch it in its entirety on the web, with ease.  But it ain't easy.  I forced myself to watch it because we need to face our fears.  And trust me, it's scary.  The rape of the oceans is what particularly bothers me.  Plants always seem to bounce back.  But fish, no, not so much.  You catch all the fish and eat them...well, that's it.  No more fish.  And just today there was a story about the slaughter of some 1400 dolphins in the Faroe Islands, wherever the fuck they are.  And they try to justify it as a cultural activity.  Bull shit.
Here's the thing.  We destroy the ecosystem and we'll destroy ourselves.  We're always talking about destroying the planet.  The planet isn't going anywhere.  The only things that are going anywhere are Mankind and the destination is oblivion.  The planet will heal.  Whatever creatures that are left, that we haven't managed to drive to distinction (I meant to say extinction.  We've certainly driven them to distraction), will gain prominence.  They will evolve.  They will proliferate quite nicely without us.  Maybe the common skunk will grow scales and feathers and morph into Skunkasaurous-Rex.  Who knows.  We won't be there to see it.  Unless, we take steps now to solve the problem.

Actually, there already was a skunk-like dinosaur:

Who's to say there won't be again.  But that's neither here nor there.

As I was saying; we need to take steps now.  As in TODAY.  Because we've been dragging our collective feet for fifty years.  Yeah, we knew environmental disaster was probably the end-game of our way of life.  We even produced propaganda to address the problem.  I remember watching this really 70's educational film in grade school called Meecology.  It was about how kids across the spectrum could help protect the environment.  It was produced by adults.  It was a great message. It was one I wanted to follow. So too are Earth Day and the numerous "Earth Summits."  But was it all just blowing smoke?  It seems like there was a lot of lip service being paid to preserving the world for children: The Future Generations.  But little to nothing was ever actually done.  Anywhere.  By anyone in power.  In fact, we quadrupled down on what we knew was the unfeasible choice.  The patently wrong choice.
So what are people in power doing nowadays?  They're strutting down red carpets for $30,000.00 meals in clothing and jewelry that cost nearly as much and posing for publicity pics on the steps of a museum that is in no way financially strapped.  And why was Ms. Ocasio-Cortez at the Met Gala?  I don't care what her dress said; by being there, she is playing into the elitist, 1% ethos she's supposedly always railing against.  Read the room Alexandria.

So, I think these celebs and politicians should put their money where their mouths are. And their costumes where their galas are (as in, an actual costume party). Let the Met go on its merry way.  It has enough dough.  And by the way, does this Costume Institute actually do anything other than display costumes?  Do they have classes?  Do the give scholarships to aspiring design students.  Do they do anything other than give this conspicuously consumptive gala once a year?

I always try to be constructive. Here's my idea for an event that will make everybody happy.  How about a Fundraiser for Nature?  We could start with the fishing industry, who seem to do whatever the hell they want with impunity and are some of the worst grim reapers of the natural world.  How about The Responsible and Sustainable Fish Industry Awards or, "The Fishies."  Our guests can come dressed as their favorite aquatic creature.  Why, here's Paris Hilton!!!  "Paris who are you wearing?"  Paris: "Spotted Salmon, by God."

​Or how about turning lemons into lemonade with: Chernobyl-Jam!  ​

This is an international music festival that will attract the biggest names in Rock and Pop.  It will bring awareness to alternative energy sources, help end the new Cold War; and show that the Earth is capable of making a comeback in the most dire of circumstances.  Underwritten by the Nuclear Energy Institute and Rosatom, all proceeds from Chernobyl-Jam! will go to the development of solar and wind.  Hosted by Cher, of course; a lady who knows a little something about making comebacks, rejuvenation and sustainability.

The Amazon by Amazon
Jeff Bezos, instead of using portions of his 200 BILLION dollar fortune on rockets and yachts, could buy up parcels of the Amazon rainforest and preserve them. Just let them be rainforests. Shit, he could probably buy most of Brazil.  His employees would be involved in the upkeep and protection of the parks.  American tourists would flock there due to the comforting aegis of Jeff's corporation.  ECOTOURISM + JEFF BEZOS = PARADISE.  He could even call it BEZOTOURISM.  I mean, Jeff, nobody is going to go to a Space Hotel in a vacuum.  Van Allen Belt, anyone?  Or, wait, have you donated money to trees?  DONATE MORE.

Paris Fashion and Insect Week:
The biggest designers, the hottest celebs from across the world, the chicest insects from around the globe!  A fete beneath the Eiffel Tower!  Not unlike the Fishy Awards; the emphasis here is on bringing awareness to the baseline importance of the insect kingdom. And the dangers of invasive species. Oh look, it's Marion Cotillard!  Marion, "Qui portez-vous?"  "Le Cicada pour Chanel!"  Hosted by Jeff "The Fly" Goldblum.

Of course, all the rich and famous attendees at these events will try to outdo one another, with more and more elaborate costuming, etc.  But that is a good thing!  The world will be watching and being made aware of these problems.  And who says these events need to be for famous rich people?  Anyone can do it!  Places that don't get much attention can get in on the action.  Places like Topeka, Kansas.

Topeka could host a Wizard of Oz Insect Awareness Soiree starring The Woggle-Bug, one of the more obscure characters from the books.  In fact, that could be the theme.  Come dressed as the lesser-known characters from Oz!  Look, there's Jake Gyllenhaal!  Jake: "Who are you?"  JG:  "I'm Jake!"  "No, what character are you?"  JG: "Oh!  Right!  Uhhh, I'm the Woggle-Bug!"

The International Soil Conservation Awards and Gala
Held beneath the stunning Gateway Arch in St. Louis, this event has immediate curbside appeal.  Known as "The Dirties"; the award is given to massive corporations and small farmers alike and brings together all strata of society.  Hosted by Anna Wintour, upcycling this Lagerfeld that echoes the famous monument (her signature hair-do already does):

Look!  It's the Olsen Twins.  "Hey, Mary-Kate and Ashley, who are you wearing?"  Olsen Twins: "Arch, by Reynold's Wrap."

Anna could also take the opportunity, as Mistress of Ceremonies, to finally stop waffling about fur and denounce its use in fashion.  She could (and should) take a stand and ban any and all fur products from the pages of Vogue. Fake fur is probably just as bad, as I would imagine it creates a lot of pollution to make it.  It's a trade-off.  I mean, has Anna ever seen video of what those fur bearing animals go through?  If she has, and still wears real fur, maybe she should host the Oz event as the Wicked Witch of the East.

After she shocks the fashion world with this bold new Anti-Fur stance, she shocks the rest of the world by being a good sport and agreeing to mud wrestle Diane von Furstenburg.  Bets placed on the event will then be donated to the Soil Council of America.  This sets a trend for Celebrity Mud Wrestling fundraisers across the globe.  Win or lose, it's Win-Win!

Vaticanarama!
Sagittarian Pope Francis has an epiphany and reverses the Vatican's stance on birth control.  Not only that, he launches a line of officially sanctioned birth control devices.  The launch party is held in none other than the Sistine Chapel.  In a tie-in with Kellogg's, the tickets to the event will be secreted in cereal boxes, thus, helping to remove the awkwardness inherent in discussing birth-control with children.

Of course, I jest with the above scenarios.  I have to.  But I'm serious about a frivolous undertaking like the Met Gala, which has become something else.  It wasn't meant to be an orgy of wealth and celebrity.  But that orgy of wealth and celebrity clearly calls attention to things.  If we can call attention to things that truly matter (not that fashion doesn't; but it's a vanity); things like loss of biodiversity, then maybe we really could make some kind of difference with what's happening.  If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.  If you teach him how to fish, you feed him for life.  If you teach him how to fish sustainably, you feed him forever...right?
For something you can do in the real world, here's an article about ecologist Douglas Tallamy and his "you can do this at home" ideas about helping the environment:

Why do so many serial killers wear eyeglasses like the model seen above?
I'm certainly not the first person to point this out.  There is lots of speculation out there on the web.  I first started noticing this trend when I started watching Forensic Files.  That was some time ago.  Now there is a proliferation of "murder shows" on the airwaves; so if you want to watch TV you can't avoid them.  It seems like it's about 75% of the programming on my basic cable service.

​What is this fascination with true crime; in particular murder?  They must generate great ratings because they just keep coming.  And the pretense of them being some kind of public service or somber dissection of the darker side of human nature is rapidly falling away.  For instance, HLN's Sex and Murder​:

This is little more than 80's slasher porn. 
I mean, what's the deal?  Why do we watch them (and we do; I'm not immune)?  Is it because life has gotten so treacherous lately that we can tune in a show like this and say to ourselves, "Well, at least I'm not a murderer!"  or "Well, at least no one has tried to murder me!" or "Well, at least I haven't been murdered!"
Or is it because there's just that much murder going on in the world?  Apparently, it's a lot easier to cross the line than you might think.  Or is it?  Is it because there's so much of this murder being pushed in our faces that we simply think there's more murder than there is?  I mean what is war, if not simply socially sanctioned mass murder?
Another thing I've noticed watching this parade of evil deed-doers is that a lot of the men who kill have weird ears.  Like serious asymmetry:

That's H.H. Holmes, inventor of the murder castle.  Did you read Devil in the White City?  Didn't you think it needed more Holmes and less White City.  Did you wonder why you did?

Holmes was a true sicko.  Evil is a word that gets tossed around a lot, especially with serial killers.  But I don't think all of them are truly evil.  But Holmes; definitely. I mean, when you start killing to the point where it becomes a hobby...He actually built that chamber of horrors in Chicago for the sole purpose of luring young women into it so he could kill them.  The Holmes story unfolded over a hundred years ago.  There's some question as to the veracity of the tales surrounding him; downplaying how much murder actually transpired in his "hotel."  But still: he had a mad-scientist lab in his basement.  I think that's bad enough.

This fascination with serial killers, however, is also pretty sick.  Like, we can't get enough Ted Bundy.  He's a Superstar of Murderland.  People still gush about how handsome he was.  They hired Zac Efron--who is truly gorgeous--to play him.  Bundy looked more like Casey Affleck if you ask me; but Zac? If that's not glamorizing murder, I don't know what is.  

When these ads aired, a friend and I used to come up with questions for Angela about Bufferin that she couldn't possilbly know the answers to.  Here are a few:

Miss Lansbury, how many Bufferin tablets would it take, laid end to end, to reach the moon from Earth?
Miss Lansbury, why does the name "Bufferin" not have a "g" on the end?  And since it doesn't have a "g" why doesn't it have an apostrophe?
Angela, what is the chemical formula for Bufferin?
Angela, would you sing a jingle for Bufferin if the makers of Bufferin asked you to; but didn't raise your salary?
Angela, would you consider doing "Bufferin! The Musical"  And if so, why?
Angela, can you crush Bufferin and inhale it?
Angie, was anyone ever murdered by  having their milkshake spiked with Bufferin?
Ange, if you made a boat out of Bufferin tablets, how long would it stay afloat?
Miss Lansbury, I took Bufferin and I got a headache.  Could you explain this?

But of course, Angela would say: "Oh my yes!" and have a ready answer to the question.  But I guess you kinda had to be there.
​Oh well.  Stay away from windowless vans!

We are experiencing technical difficulties.
The site seems to be randomly switching around visual material.  So, if you're reading a blog and there's a picture there that seems to be completely out of context; it probably is.  

For example; the above picture is supposed to be a "Technical Difficulties" card and the site will only post Mr. McConaughey.