It was October 1991.  I was half-way across the United States on my cross-country journey to Los Angeles.  Hollywood. A new life of spectacular promise!  Why had I waited so long?  I'd graduated from college three years earlier.  Those three years, more or less a giant party; the party I hadn't had while I was actually in college.  I was crossing the Mississippi river on I-40(?). I remember thinking: "Wow. I'm crossing the Mississippi River!" I looked to my left. "Wow!  There's the St. Louis Gateway Arch!" and then it was quickly in my rear-view mirror.
I had the fleeting thought that maybe I should pull off and go and see it.  But then, I didn't.  I was in an all-fired hurry, you see, to get to my new life in sunny California.  Glamorous Hollywood!  Looking back now, I wish I had stopped.

More to come!

​

Ick stands behind Paddy, very close.  He makes some adjustments to Paddy's positioning.  It is very "hands on." Is Ick aware of his demonstrativeness? It's hard to say. Paddy tries to be stoic. Sean fidgets.
ICK
(Placing his hands over Paddy's) Okay, so you just want to take the tipper or cipin, as it's also called; and do a stroke like this...(Ick moves Paddy's hand so that the cipin gently glides across the skin) All right, well that's where we want to get; but let's put the tipper down and just use your hand.  It's all in the wrist.  You want to loosen up that wrist.
Ick demonstrates by flicking his wrist. Paddy follows in kind. Sean also flips his wrists; albeit in a somewhat mocking way.  Sean GIGGLES.  Paddy glares at Sean.
ICK
I said "loose" Sean.  Not "limp."
SEAN
I didn't say anything!
PADDY
I swear to God, Sean...
SEAN
(Laughing)  I'm sorry but it looks like your having a roight proper wank!
Ick and Paddy look at their hands, consider, then break down LAUGHING as well.
CUT TO:
EXT. SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS -DAY
A vista of stunning hills, swathed in green.  Outcroppings of stone.  Rolling clouds.  We see the figures of Henry, Danny and Seamus, making their way across the grass.  Their goal: a massive stone castle at the top of a crag.

SEAMUS
Gentlemen, welcome to Duntlum!
DANNY
Aren't we staying at that wee little hotel we passed?
HENRY
"Wee" means "little," Danny.
SEAMUS
(Pointing) There's your hotel!
CUT TO:
EXT. DUNTLUM CASTLE TRAINING CAMP -DAY
The castle is mostly ruins; but set up within the walls is a fairly modern collection of military style Sibley tents.  Seamus is leading Henry and Danny to the tent area when an extremely large man in a kilt walks towards them.  This is  CLAUDIO, late 30's.  He is Seamus' right hand man.  The two embrace.
CLAUDIO
Welcome back Captain.  
SEAMUS
Henry, Danny, this is Claudio.  Perhaps the finest trainer to come out of Switzerland since...well...ever!
CLAUDIO
I was just on my way to the mess tent for my second-and-a-half lunch.
DANNY
Don't tell me.  Haggis?
CLAUDIO
(Winces and sticks out his tongue and shakes his head) Nice to meet you both.
Claudio continues on his way and Seamus holds open the flap of a tent.
"Claudio" will be played by "Cesaro" the wrestler.  ​

So ABC are you just flat out stealing from me now?  You know, I'm getting tired of hearing myself bitch about this.  But I have to put it out there...again.
So last nights episode of The Goldbergs did a show all about, guess what?  Annie, that's what.  The beloved musical about Americas favorite, red-headed little orphan girl:

Who the hell is Morris Weiss?  And how does he get what he wants?

Now as you faithful followers of my blogs know; I did a little play called The Son'll Come Out Tomorrow--
Oh, that janky little theatrical you staged in a church basement?
Oh, hey everyone...it's Teena Faye...Hey Teena!

I like your new...glasses...
​Thanks.
And you got a haircut.
It's a wig.
Oh, okay...so what brings you by Teena?
The janky little theatrical you staged in a church basement somewhere in Rumproast Virginia.
Well, you know it was originally staged at the Hudson Avenue Theater in Hollywood, USA!
Not exactly Broadway...
No, not exactly.  Look Teena, I think we got off on the wrong foot.  Can we just start over?
​That's why I'm here Chris.  This time I'm on your side.
What, now?
I happened to catch The Goldbergs and I was immediately put in mind of your play.
You were?
Yes, particularly when Erica Goldberg did a dance with a mop; which isn't in the movie.
It's not?
Nope.  Mops appear during It's A Hard Knock Life; but they are neither danced with or even used to mop the floor.
Check it out!

You know Teena, my friend Stephen Baltz created that dance himself.  He's very funny and talented.  He's also a playwright and a director.  Check out his Tommy Wiseau!

Funny!  Who's the other guy?
Oh, that's Taylor James "TJ" Radley.  Loved working with him!
He's hot!  Was he named after James Taylor, the singer?
As a matter of fact, he was.
Cool. Anyways...so, yeah...they basically structured the entire episode around the plot of your play: two people fighting over the role of Annie.
They weren't the first.  Young Sheldon was.  That was about a little boy playing Annie...the star of the show...and then Jason Alexander.
Hmmmm.  Did you catch Not Dead Yet?  Their last episode featured Scottish highland dancers whose kilts flap up and then their naughty bits are pixelated.  Now why would Scottish highlanders be at a wine festival?  You would've thought they'd be Italian...or French, right?
Well, I would.  
Didn't several of your recent blogs features those very things?  Those things being Scottish men in kilts, references to kilt malfunctions and also the pixelation of schvantzes?
As a matter of fact, yes.
This could all be coincidence, couldn't it?
No Teena...at this point, I don't think it could be.
Well, what are you gonna do about it?
What can I do about it?  Nothing, that's what. Sue? That's pointless.  Stop writing? I guess I'll just have to live my own life, vicariously.
I gotta admit: everyone in this business is a thief.
I'm not.
But your not in the business, are you?
At this point, I'm not sure.  I'm certainly not getting paid.
​So sad. Anyways, let's go out to eat.  I'll put on my new Cato turtleneck. Do you like my hair up?

I like it better than the wig.  Where do you want to go to eat?
How about Howard Johnson's?
I love Howard Johnson's...but there are none left...
​I can pull some strings...
FLASH-BACK SOUND EFFECT...

This clam-roll is to die for!
You know, I'm from New England and I've never liked clams...or oysters...or mussels...I didn't go near fish until I was in my twenties...
So, you've been "near fish?"  I thought you liked schvantzes...
​Ha, ha!
You know, Amy Poehler is from New England.  Massachusetts, I think.
Yeah, Burlington.  There's a mall there.  I've only been to it once. In the 70's, when I was staying with an aunt.  I remember she wore go-go boots that day.
What did you think of my go-go outfit?
A little over-stated...and you were giving some nippage.
Was I?  I'm thinking of doing a line of go-go gear.  A collab with Wonderbra...or maybe Playtex...
Do they still make Playtex?
Conversation fades into restaurant chatter.

CFR  3/10/23

Okay, here I go again...starting another blog when I haven't finished the ones I've started.  I guess I have a lot on my mind.  That's what the voices tell me, anyways.  I watched an early episode of The Beverly Hillbillies last night and it was amazingly cinematic.  There was even a scene where Miss Hathaway (Nancy Kulp) was having a conversation with both the voice of her conscience and the audience; as she was breaking the fourth wall.
Okay, so why do I have a picture up of Theresa Russell as Marilyn Monroe?  Well, I'm thinking this blog is going to be about FEMALE ARCHETYPES.  Like Marilyn is certainly one of those.  So is Theresa, I think.  You know, she's always sort of puzzled/fascinated me.  I can't and never have been able to figure her out.  It's like, what was she up to?  She was never a household name.  Never a huge star.  There's only one movie of hers that I recall vividly: Black Widow.  And I think it was because this enigma of an actress was playing a character that was an enigma.  She was kind of the whole puzzle, wrapped in a riddle, inside an enigma with a side of cheesecake.  Joseph once said to me, as we were watching one of her movies: "I can't tell if she is like, the worst actress I've ever seen; or one of the best actresses I've ever seen." And I knew exactly what he was talking about.  She seemed to search out somber roles that she would then underact, to the point of poker-facedness.  Her speaking voice was a bit on the inelegant side. Almost masculine.  The rest of her couldn't have been more feminine.  Or should I say, womanly.  Tall, blonde, shapely, pretty, great pair of breasts (set of breasts?  Boobs?  What do women prefer when referencing their chests?  Boobs maybe?) and an actress!
I might go on some tangents here...
That picture of Theresa is from a movie she filmed for her husband, Nicholas Roeg, in 1985: Insignificance. I know of it, but I've never seen it.  But it's gotten stuck in my head.  I was recently in Boston, helping to relocate my parents, and my sister, myself, and my niece, and her chocolate lab, Ellie were there.  My sister, Kate, had a Google music player so I said, "Hey Google, play New Wave favorites."  The songs started playing and one of them, which I hadn't heard in years, came up.  I knew it was Big Audio Dynamite but I didn't know the name of the song.  So, I did a little research.  It's called E=MC2.  I watched the video, which I'd never seen before.  It was peppered with clips from Nicholas Roeg movies.  In fact, the entire song (which I'd never listened to (more on that later) was about Nicholas Roeg movies.  Who knew that Joe Strummer would've been so moved by Roeg's oeuvre to write and record a song about it?

​My sister Kate is kind of iconic.  I mean, she's my only sister and she did all the things that sisters do.  And she's also the "cool aunt" to my niece, so she's iconic in that way too.

Kate's a Virgo; which means she's really good at organizing, scheduling, arrangements, cleaning: in short, getting things done.  Which is great, because I'm a bit of a procrastinator.  Even for stuff that doesn't require procrastinating.  Kate is so great at getting stuff done that I sent her this:

She loved it!
In our youth, Kate gave me two nuggets of wisdom that I have never forgotten.
"Girls never get bored because they can always find something to do."
When I pressed further on this, she explained: "...you know; like, we can do our nails...take a magazine quiz...do needlepoint...practice our cheers..." Kate was not a cheerleader.  She tried out once in high school and didn't make the cut.  She was in tears when my mother picked her up.  My mother said: "Oh, you never wanted to be a cheerleader anyways!"  Kate stopped crying and said, "Yeah, you're right!"
The second was regarding how to clean a bedroom: "You make the bed, then put everything like dirty clothes, etc. on the bed and then you work from there. When you're finished, the bed is made!"
I still use this method to this day.
Kate is also really good at recalling film plots.  She once explained the entire mini-series Sins to me, with such thoroughness that I felt I had seen it.  It starred Joan Collins.  She was running from the Nazis of something...
Speaking of archetypes and icons: MOM.  Here's mine:

Shortly thereafter, doing MOM stuff.
That's me in the front.  Get a load of that car seat.  The height of mid 60's infant safety!
My mind wanders...
What is this about?
Oh yeah, FEMALE ARCHETYPES.
I mentioned Miss Hathaway from the Beverly Hillbillies.  She was definitely a TYPE.  The epitome of the gangly, tom-boyish spinster.  But damn she was funny!  Here's the episode I mentioned:

She gets to spar with another kind of type: the blonde, not too bright stripper.  I daresay this episode borders on the risque, particularly for early 60's prime-time.
So, I'll leave you with another clip.  It's from Insignificance.  "The Actress" (Theresa Russell doing Marilyn Monroe) explaining the theory of relativity to Einstein.  I think it's an amazing piece of acting.  Ahh Theresa...we hardly know ye!
You know, I was in her presence once.  Within a couple of feet.  I was working the BAFTA awards at Universal.  There was a live feed from England for all the Brits in Los Angeles.  She arrived with Nicholas Roeg and they walked by me as the photogs phlashed.  She was wearing pants and heels and a sort of backless halter top (I think it was beaded) with a plunging neckline.  Her hair was up.  Her top was entirely inappropriate for an awards show...which I admired.  But then, British women (she's American, but Brit by marriage) seem to really enjoy showing off their...pairings.  And they were spectacular!  And 100% real.  You just can't fake that.  I also recall Dennis Christopher being there, smoking a cigarillo and smirking for some indecipherable reason.  

CFR  3/19/23

UP FROM BLACK:
EXT. AMERICAN DESERT ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF TUCUMCARI N.M. -DAY
We see a windswept stretch of high desert.  A dirt road.  A non-descript SUV makes its way through the blowing dust and tumbling tumbleweeds.
CUT TO:
INT. SUV -DAY
A non-descript American dad ALDO is driving.  In the front passenger seat is his wife: a non-descript American mom, FRIEDA.  She is tangling with a fold-up map.  In the backseat are two non-descript American kids, a brother and sister, 9 and 11.  They are FRANGELICA and THADDEUS.
ALDO 
Frieda, use the GPS on your phone, for cripes sake!
FRIEDA
Aldo...there's no signal!  Kids are you getting anything on your phones?
FRANGELICA
Mom, our screens are blank!  How is that even possible?  Are we lost?  I'm frightened!
ALDO
I'm frightened too honey...
FRIEDA
(Under her breath)  Don't tell her that...
THADDEUS
I'm hungry.  Can we stop to eat?
ALDO
First place I see Thaddeus.  I'm hungry too...
CUT TO:
EXT. ROADSIDE DINER -DAY
We see a classic chromium airstream style diner, now gone to seed.  Weeds spring up around its base and sandy winds blast at its windows.  A tumbleweed blows by. A faded sign reads: FRANCES' FOOD-A-TERIA
​CUT TO:
INT. ROADSIDE DINER -DAY
A forlorn woman, looking like someone out of a Dorothea Lange photo, gazes blankly out the window at the sun-baked desolation.  She SIGHS.  This is FRANCES, the owner of the establishment.
FRANCES
Fire up the grill Buddy...something whitebread, this way comes...

CUT TO:
INT. SUV  -DAY
FRIEDA
There's something shiny on the road up ahead!
ALDO
What is it?
FRIEDA
I think it's a diner...yes...there's a sign...what does that say Frangelica?
FRANGELICA
"Frances' Food-a-Teria."
THADDEUS
What's a "floor show"?
ALDO
What?  What are you talking about?
THADDEUS
It says "floor show nightly."
ALDO
Floor show?  That can't be possible.
THADDEUS
But what is it?
FRIEDA
It's like a show honey.  With singing and dancing...maybe magic or stand-up comedy...
THADDEUS
Cool!  I wanna see the floor show!

CUT TO:
INT. DINER -DAY
The family enters the diner where they are met by BUDDY.  He is somewhere in his 50s: cook, waiter, maitre d'(?), jack of all trades.
BUDDY
Will you folks be dining in?
ALDO
Yes...I mean, you are open...I hope?
BUDDY
Oh, yes...of course!  Right this way!
He escorts them all to a booth.  They are the only patrons. They sit and Buddy pours them water.
ALDO
(Drinks) Ahh!  Sweet, cool, precious H2O!
FRIEDA
Do you have menus?
BUDDY
Ah, not on paper...the waitress will be with you in a minute...
Buddy disappears, leaving the family curious and somewhat bewildered.
FRANGELICA
I'm starving.  I want a cheeseburger.
THADDEUS
I want a grilled cheese--
FRANCES looms up, seemingly out of nowhere, startling Frieda.  She is wearing a classic blue waitress' uniform with a white apron.
FRANCES
We don't have grilled cheese.
ALDO
That's okay.  He loves chicken fingers...do you have a kids menu?
FRANCES
Let me tell you about our specials.
FRIEDA
If we could just--
Frances raises her hand, silencing Frieda.
FRANCES
Today we're serving Welsh rarebit with brussel sprouts glazed in a hollandaise reduction sauce.  We also have pheasant under glass with whipped turnips and pan seared nori.  Also rump roast with caramelized rutabaga and an asparagus and kiwi souffle.  Finally, twice baked Kraft Macaroni and cheese.
FRIEDA
That's it?
FRANCES
That's it.
FRIEDA
Well, my son will have the macaroni and cheese, I guess...
FRANCES
Did I mention it was stuffed inside a suckling pig?
FRIEDA
No...
FRANCES
Well it is.
ALDO
Could we possibly get it outside of the pig?
FRANCES
Well, we don't like to do substitutions...but in this case, we'll make an exception...(SHOUTING) Hey Buddy, one order of KMC and 86 little Wilbur!

FRANGELICA
What is "Welsh Rarebit?"
FRANCES
It's just like grilled cheese, except the cheese is on the outside.
FRANGELICA
I guess I'll have that.
FRANCES
Very good. And for you ma'am?
FRIEDA
I'm not very hungry; I'll just pick from my husband's plate...
FRANCES
And what will you have Sir?
ALDO
The rump roast, medium well; but could I get the pan-seared nori instead of the rutuabagas?
FRANCES
Did I not just say there were no substitutions?
ALDO
Yes...?
FRANCES
But for you, handsome, I'll make an exception!
FRIEDA
What do you have in the way of beverages?
FRANCES
You name it.
FRIEDA
A Grasshopper.
FRANCES 
Very good.  And for you young man?
THADDEUS
Crystal Pepsi.
FRANCES
Excellent choice.  And you miss?
FRANGELICA
Diet Squirt please.
FRANCES
One Diet Squirt.  And you Sir?
ALDO
(Contemplating) How about a Billy Beer?
FRANCES
Certainly Sir.  I'll be right back with the drinks.
Frances disappears as suddenly as she'd appeared.
FRIEDA
Wait, do they still make Billy Beer?
ALDO
No!  They haven't made it since nineteen-seventy-eight.
FRIEDA
Okay, this place is really--
Frances is suddenly there again, now with a tray of drinks.  She serves.
FRANCES
Will you be staying for the floor show?
THADDEUS
See Dad.  I told you!
ALDO
I don't see how we could possibly not. 
FRANCES
Please don't use double negatives.
ALDO
Sorry.  So is the show included? 
FRANCES
Well, no.  It's ten dollars for adults; but since it's Wednesday, for kids twelve and under, it's free.
FRIEDA
When does it start?
FRANCES
When I say it starts.

FRIEDA
You know what, I think I'll try the pheasant!  I've never had it before!
FRANCES
You won't be disappointed.
Again she disappears.
THADDEUS
This place is cool!
FRANGELICA
(Holding up phone, snapping pictures, looking) My pictures are all out of focus...like all of them...
Everybody sips their drinks.  Before they even put their glasses down, Frances and Buddy return with food trays.
BUDDY
Who had the Welsh Rarebit?
FRANGELICA
Me...
FRIEDA
My that was quick!
FRANCES
We pride ourselves here at the Food-A-Teria for prompt service.
ALDO
But how?  Is it pre-prepared?
BUDDY
Oh no, Sir!
FRANCES
We do everything from scratch!
ALDO
When?
FRANCES
Chef never reveals his secrets!  (Placing final dish) And here is your pheasant ma'am.  
Frieda lifts the glass, revealing an exquisitely plated dish.  Three pheasant feathers also decorate the plate.
FRIEDA
It smells delicious!
FRANCES
Enjoy. The show will be starting soon...
Again, she and Buddy seem to disappear in a puff of smoke.  The family take tentative bites of their food.
ALDO
This meat is cooked to perfection!  And who would've thought that asparagus and kiwi would pair so well?
FRIEDA
Pheasant is really...pleasant!
THADDEUS
This mac and cheese is blowing my mind!
FRANGELICA
(Talking to her plate)  Welsh Rarebit; where have you been all my life?
​Suddenly, there is a DRUM ROLL and we hear Buddy over a loudspeaker.
BUDDY
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the outskirts of Tucumcari!  Frances' Food-A-Teria is proud to present...THE FLOOR SHOW...

Buddy, now in a tuxedo, comes out from behind a red velvet curtain and goes to the counter.  He lifts a portion of it, revealing a built in piano.  He sits and begins plunking, dirge-like, on one of the keys.  The lights dim and a spotlight turns on.
BUDDY
Presenting, Miss F.
Frances, wearing a very Liza-esque red sequined jump-suit is lowered to the counter on a red velvet swing.  She sparkles in the spotlight.
FRANCES
(Talk-singing in the tempo of the piano, like some German chanteuse)  When I was younger, oh so much younger, my daddy said to me: "Sweet pea, these are your salad days...your time to be free..."  I took his words to heart; but what they meant to me...was that literally...I was meant to make salads...on a cruise ship out at sea...but that was long ago...and now that ship has docked...and brought this girl full circle...back to Tucumcari...and finally back to me...
Suddenly, there is a blare of trumpet and a mariachi band comes out of the shadows.  Frances stands on the counter and begins to dance.
FRANCES
(Singing at full volume) Tucumcari tonight! Gotta get to Tucumcari, it's so right!
Tucumcari tonight
Gotta get to the airport for my flight!
Tucumcari tonight!
Tucumcari...am I right?
The wind is blowin'
Tumbleweeds just a-goin'
I gotta get out of this trailer
Hit the town...pick up a sailor
I'm bored to tears
Gotta face my fears
Wanna get some leers
So it's Tucumcari tonight!
Tucumcari--I just can't fight...
​Come on baby...don't say maybe...​better escort this lady...
At this point, three male dancers appear, wearing little more than thongs.  The family, still eating, is watching this in utter delight...and perhaps some shock.
ALDO
Is that dancer...Channing Tatum?
FRANGELICA
It can't be...can it?
FRIEDA
It sure looks like him...
The three dancers lift Frances and place her on a counter stool.  Then the four of them do an elaborately choreographed dance number on the stools: spinning, leaping, acrobatics, etc.

FRANCES
(Talk singing) Tucumcari is conveniently located on Route 66!
DANCERS
(Singing) Get your kicks!
FRANCES
​Tucumcari has a historical museum, a rail-road museum and a dinosaur museum!
DANCERS
Jurassa-tastic!
FRANCES
Tucumcari is in the Great State of New Mexico!
DANCERS
State of mind!
FRANCES
(Singing) Tucumcari tonight!
Gonna hit that town and take a big bite!
Don't wanna waste time, gonna sing some words that rhyme!
Salad!
DANCERS
Ballad!
FRANCES
Mallard!
FRANCES
Coyote!
DANCERS
Peyote!
ALDO
I feel like I'm on peyote...
THADDEUS
What's peyote?
FRANCES AND DANCERS
(Doing a kick-line)...T...U...C...U...M...C...A....R...I
TUCUMCARI TONIGHT!
The entertainers freeze in a stylized tableau.
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. BLUE SWALLOW MOTEL -DAWN
We see the vintage neon sign with the rays of the sun behind it.  We hear birdsong.  The sign snaps off.
CUT TO:
INT. MOTEL ROOM -DAY
The family, still in their clothes and shoes are lying on the beds.  Aldo and Frieda on one and Frangelica and Thaddeus on the other.  One by one, their eyes flicker open and they stare at the ceiling.
ALDO
I had the weirdest dream...we were at this diner in the middle of nowhere and they had Billy beer...
FRANGELICA
What's welsh rarebit?
FRIEDA 
I ate a pheasant...and Tatum Channing was there...
ALDO
Channing Tatum...
THADDEUS
They had Crystal Pepsi...
FRIEDA
We all had the same dream?  Is that possible?
CUT TO:
INT. SUV -DAY
The car hurtles down the Interstate.  It's a beautiful day.  Frangelica is swiping at her phone.
FRANGELICA
I don't understand this.  All my pictures are gone...
THADDEUS
Mom?
FRIEDA
Yes Thaddeus?
THADDEUS
What's that in your hair?
Frieda runs her hand through her hair and pulls out a long pheasant feather.  They all look at one another in nonplussed bemusement.
​FADE OUT
END

CFR  3/9/23

EXT. -BEACH/ISLE OF SKYE -DAY
Henry waves to Danny and starts back up to the establishment.  It's a quaint inn called "The House Over By" which also houses the Three Chimneys Restaurant.
CUT TO:
EXT. -OPEN AIR SEATING PATIO -DAY
HENRY
It's so beautiful!
DANNY
Wait 'til you see the rooms!
HENRY
"Rooms?"  We can barely afford one Danny.
DANNY
Don't worry brother.  Seamus has us covered.
HENRY
Really?  Why?
DANNY
I suppose your reputation preceded you.  He really wants you as a client...
HENRY
What is it Danny?  I sense a big "but" coming here.
DANNY
You know he does have quite a large arse; but I'm not gonna lie.  He's somewhat on the eccentric side.  He wants to...
HENRY
What?  He wants to what?
DANNY
Read your aura....
HENRY
You're not kidding, are you?
Danny purses his lips and shakes his head.
CUT TO:
INT. INN -DAY
Danny and Henry enter the room which is at once quaint and cozy and luxurious and chic.
DANNY
Gorgeous, right?  Did I lie?
HENRY
It's nice.
DANNY
Well, we're having dinner with Seamus tonight, here at the restaurant.  I suggest you take a nap.  That's what I'm going to do.
HENRY
Did you call Gran?
DANNY
Yeah.  She knows we're here. You should call Donna. I'll be back in an hour or so...
Danny leaves.  Henry lays on the bed and kicks his shoes off.
HENRY
(Scoffing) Nap!  "...Wants to read my aura..."
He closes his eyes and within seconds, is snoring.
CUT TO:
INT. THREE CHIMNEYS RESTAURANT -NIGHT
Danny and Henry are at a table near a window that looks out on Loch Dunvegan.  The restaurant is quite stylish, as are the two brothers.  They are looking at their menus.
HENRY
"Wee nibbles" is that like, appetizers?
​DANNY
I don't know Henry...because they also have "starters."  Maybe they're like pre-appetizer, appetizers?  Did you call Donna?
HERNRY
Yes, Danny, I did.  Since when are you concerned about Donna?
DANNY
Now Hank, that's not fair...
HENRY
No, you're right.  You're right.  I'm sorry. They have haggis.  Have you ever had haggis?
DANNY
No. And I'm not about to start now. (Looks around) This place has one of those Michelin stars.  Now why do you suppose a tire company gives out stars to restaurants?
HENRY
I don't know Danny--
DANNY
Oh, here he is!
Danny stands as two figures approach the table.  Towering over the MAITRE D' is SEAMUS.  Mid 40's.  With his carrot red hair and pale white skin, he seems to glow like fire in the light.  He too looks quite stylish in a camel-colored turtle neck sweater and a kilt of Clan O'Farrell.  

MAITRE D'
Your party Mr. Seamus.
SEAMUS
Thank you, Alan.
The Maitre d' places a menu on the table, pulls out a chair and departs.
DANNY
Seamus, I'd like you to meet my brother Henry.
Henry, who has since stood, puts out his hand.  After a pause, Seamus grasps Henry's hand and sinks down into his chair, pulling Henry down into his.  Does he want to arm wrestle?  Danny looks around then sits.
SEAMUS
Henry.  It's good to meet you.
HENRY
Likewise.
SEAMUS
Henry, I want to ask you to do something for me...
HENRY
Okay...
SEAMUS
I want you to lock eyes with me and don't look away.  I won't look away either...
HENRY
You mean like a staring contest?
SEAMUS
If you like.
HENRY
Okay--
CUT TO: CLOSE SHOT of Seamus' hand as he grips Henry's.
Seamus moves his head in and locks eyes with Henry.  Henry is unflinching.  Seamus, stone faced.  Danny, not really knowing what do, watches in fascination.  Several moments pass.  Henry maintains his gaze.  We see a tight CLOSE UP of Seamus' eyes, searching...for something.  This goes on until it borders on awkward.  Danny sips his water.  Seamus begins to hum softly.  The tune is familiar.  Then Seamus starts to quietly sing...
SEAMUS
(Still staring into Henry's eyes; singing)...smile, though your heart is aching...smile, even though it's breaking...when there are clouds, in the sky, you'll get by...if you smile through your--
He stops singing; but still the two are laser focused.  A tear spills from Seamus' eye.  His face suddenly breaks out in a big grin and gives Henry his hand back.  Then he LAUGHS.
SEAMUS
What do you think Henry?  Can we work together?
HENRY
Yes.  Yes...I think we can...
SEAMUS
​Fantastic!  (He stands and pulls Danny from his chair, giving him a bear hug) Danny boy!  Oh, it's good to see you!
He plunks Danny down in his seat, sits himself and raises the menu.
DANNY
You know, I could never beat him at that.  Never!
The WAITER, approaches the table.
WAITER
Are you gentlemen ready to order?
SEAMUS
Bring me your best single malt with the big rocks--
WAITER 
Very good Sir.
SEAMUS
Do you boys like haggis?
HENRY
I've never had it.
DANNY
Love it!
SEAMUS
Haggis for the table!
WAITER
Yes Sir.
SEAMUS
(Slapping his hand on the table)  Now could somebody please tell me what in hell "Lani-Batali" means?

CUT TO:
INT. SKY DIVING CHAMBER -DAY
Paddy is in mid-air, trying to maintain his position in the airstream.  Ick is floating nearby.  We can hear what they're saying over the rush of the wind through headsets built into their lightweight helmets.
ICK
Bring in your knees Paddy!
Paddy does so, but something goes wrong and he goes spinning to the top of the chamber and then plunging into the safety net.
PADDY
Bollocks!
CUT TO:
INT. CONTROL ROOM -DAY
Roddy and Cal look on as Chris mans the controls.  Roddy leans down to a microphone on the console.
RODDY
Why don't you guys get some lunch?
​Ick gives a thumbs up from the chamber.  Roddy turns to Cal.
RODDY
He's overthinking it; or he's underthinking it.
CAL
He's got a lot on his mind.
RODDY
Such as?
CAL
Something's eating at him.  I don't know.  I just know.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN AREA -DAY
Paddy is at the table.  Sean places a plate of vegetables and brown rice in front of him.
PADDY
What's this?
SEAN
Vegetables and brown rice...
PADDY
What is this? Showgirls?
Ick laughs as he picks up a large round drum and a short stick.
ICK
I love that movie!
SEAN
What you got there Ick?  Is that one of them bowdrans?
ICK
Yes. And it's pronounced "bow-ran."
SEAN
Oh, well pardon me!
PADDY
Would you play a little something for us?
ICK
Sure! (He proceeds to play a few licks) Would you like to try Paddy?
PADDY
Sure.  Anything to distract me from my "lunch."
Ick stands and puts a chair in the middle of the floor and motions for Paddy to sit, which he does.
ICK
Are you left or right handed?
PADDY
I'm ambidextrous.
ICK
Interesting.  Okay, well you hold it however it feels comfortable to you...
Paddy positions the drum under his left arm and holds the stick in his right.
PADDY
Is this right?
Ick stands behind Paddy, very close.  He makes some adjustments to Paddy's positioning.  It is very "hands on."  Is Ick aware of his demonstrativeness?  It's hard to say.  Paddy is trying to be stoic.  Sean fidgets.
ICK
(Placing his hand over Paddy's) Okay, so you just want to do a slow stroke, like this...(He moves Paddy's hand so that it lightly glides over the drum-skin).

More to come!
​2.24.23 last update​

I'd kill to see this episode!

​So, with the help of my husband Joseph, I wrote a Seinfeld script.  It would probably be one of their patented two parters; or several episode story arcs.  It's called "The Peekers" and you can read it in full in my blog entitled "Pandora Spocks(es)."  Hope you enjoy!
​CFR 2/16/23

I just wanted to throw my two cents in the ring about Madonna's recent Grammy appearance and why I think people are reacting so strongly to her new "look."
I am not here to criticize what she's done.  It's her face, she can do whatever she wants to it.  I'm not here to criticize plastic surgery, youth culture, cosmetology et.al.  I've just been wondering why people are having a nearly violent reaction to  the way Ms. Ciccone looks now.  I'm actually pro plastic surgery.  You know, as we age, gravity takes a toll.  If your house were beginning to sag, you'd want to shore it up, right?  Of course you would.
In the above picture we see Madonna from, oh, I'm guessing between five and ten years ago.  I think it's the last time she truly looked like the Madonna we all knew and loved (or at least liked?  Tolerated?  Okay, yeah, maybe didn't like so much?) No matter if you loved her or didn't, no one could deny that she had a great face.  Those eyes are stunning.  But now, you can't really see her eyes.
Madonna herself and various and sundry media pundits are blaming the negative reaction to her current look as a combination of misogyny and ageism.  I don't think that's what it is.  What it is, is that Madonna isn't really Madonna anymore.  
In the picture above, Madonna still looks like Madonna.  She looks her age.  Interestingly, she's made a mistake with her lipstick.  She's using the ancient Hollywood trick of going outside the natural lip-line to make the lips look fuller.  Bette Davis was a huge fan of this technique:

This technique backfires though. It actually makes a woman look older (if looking older is a "backfire").  There's a scene in Beyond the Forest where Bette isn't wearing lipstick (or much make-up at all) and she looks a good ten years younger.  Also, Madonna, who is a natural brunette, has insisted on being a blonde for most of her life.  I think that also makes her look older; as well as the red lipstick.  But this is all beside the point.  Let's talk about Madonna now.
Why are people rejecting this latest incarnation from the famous chameleon, known for changing her spots.
Well, I think this time she not only changed the spots, she applied them to someone else.  It seems as though she's gone in (or had people go in) and changed the shape of her face at a molecular level.  The proportions have changed.  The area below her eyes is wider.  Her chin area smaller.  Her eyes more recessed. Her lips are completely reshaped.  She does not look like Madonna.  Actually (and I'm not trying to be mean or funny here) she looks like Marilyn Manson.  Marilyn Manson's face is already taken.  By Marilyn Manson.
Madonna has also, it seems, broken a sort of unspoken pact with the public.  Her schtick has always been: "I'm Madonna bitches!"; the implication being that she was one of a kind.  And she was one of a kind.  But now, it seems she's two of a kind; and people don't want the second kind. Madonna, who for so long trumpeted her uniqueness and flipped the bird at the Establishment/Patriarchy/Blah, blah blah; now seems to have caved to those very things.  She's trying to look like a twenty-two year old. She hasn't stood up to aging in an authentically Madonna way.  She's clearly insecure about aging: the one thing none of us can avoid. Her most recent appearance has not just undermined her credibility; her brand.  It's sort of put the final nail in the coffin.
There's also been a lot of talk around this about the "growing old gracefully" trap for women.  We ask that a woman grow old gracefully; but if she ages "naturally" (and in particular if she's a celebrity and we all know what she looked like in her salad days); we will reject that, because we want her to look like she did back in the day.  Conversely, if she chooses to age with the assistance of surgical means (like Madonna); we won't accept that either.  I don't think that's true though.  If a woman chooses la plastica as an aging option and she does it well, people will cheer.  Remember when Betty Ford got a facelift?

Success!  Why?  Because she still is recognizably "Betty Ford."
​How about Jane Fonda?

She's 85.  Success!  Why?  Because she's still unmistakably "Jane Fonda." And notice: no red lipstick.
Nobody's on Jane's back about her work (although I'm a little tired of her saying "we should own our faces" and "I'm through with plastic surgery." Yeah, okay Jane...)  If I was a celebrity (or not, as I am) I'd be hiring a private detective to find out who Jane's surgeon is!  
How about Dolly Parton?
Oh let's leave Dolly out of this.  She gets a pass.
What about men and plastic surgery?  Here are my humble observations. 
Men should NEVER have ANY eye-work done (well, maybe undereye bags when they turn into suitcases; but never the eyelids).  It never looks right.  Men are supposed to have some meat around their eyes. Kenny Rogers, for example.

I would argue that after Kenny had his eyes done, his career was over.  He didn't look like Kenny Rogers anymore.  That sleepy, dreamy, cuddly vibe that came from his eyes was lost.
I think men can do a little botox for forehead lines and the "11" between the eyes; but not too much or you end up looking like Raymond Arroyo, the Snidely Whiplash of Fox News (who has the audacity to sit with Laura "Fox Me!" Ingraham and make fun of other people's physical appearances).

No, I am not Pee-Wee Herman!  And no, I don't work at Madame Tussauds!  Foutre le camp!

​Also, I think the "necklift" is fine for any man.  Getting rid of jowls and turkey neck is never a bad thing; and instantly shaves a good twenty years off the appearance.

When I lived in Los Angeles, there were a lot of women who looked like this:

The giant lips.  The too tiny nose.  The strange eyebrows.  And always, it seemed, the white blonde hair. Oh, and the giant boobs. The template was the blonde, Playboy bunny.  Or perhaps the Swedish milkmaid.

And there was the male counterpart to this.  Masculine men with strangely feminized features:

Why does his mustache look glued on?
These people seemed to be from some strange tribe or planet or planetary tribe.  The ones that I met never seemed very happy to me.  They often seemed like they were in pain.  And perhaps they were.  Perhaps trying to find happiness through plastic surgery?  But so many never seem happy with the results and keep returning to the well.  But it's a well of diminishing returns.  And you never miss the well until the water runs dry.  I mean, you only have so much face, right?

CFR 2/11/23

Contains spoilers for The Leprechauns of Limerick and The Blimp.

Colin Farrell, I love you.  I'm so happy your work in The Leprechauns of Limerick (just kidding!) is being acknowledged.

Colin, please give up the ciggies.  We want you home, at the end of the world.  And I hope that's a nice soothing cup of chamomile tea.  And please stop shaving your pelt.  Also, would it kill you to do some full-frontal?  It's en vogue right now and we all know your frontal is full.  Frontiful.  TM/Reg./Pat.Pend.  

Brendan Fraser, I love you.  Your performance in The Blimp (just kidding!) was amazing!  But I'm torn, as I want both you and Colin to take home the gold.

Outie belly-buttons are not really my thing; but on you, it works!
Now, seriously, all kidding aside.  Colin.  Brendan.  I want my money back.  Or maybe I should be asking your directors for the money.  Yeah, okay.  So, Martin. Darren.  I want my money back.  You both owe me a combined total of $19.00. Oh wait, make that $38.00, since my husband had to suffer through your most recent pictures as well.  And the key word here is "suffer."
Martin.  Darren.  I think you've confused suffering with drama.  Okay, I knew going in to The Whale what I was in for.  There was no way to skew that one as a comedy.  However, I do most decidedly feel that I was hoodwinked by the promotional material for The Banshees of Inisherin.  Let's take a look:

Okay, well...the tone here is rural Irish; and is that not "comedic" in and of itself?  Or is the melancholy bleakness of Ireland and the Irish the joke?  Because being that morose is pretty funny, isn't it? The beginning of the trailer is scored in such a way as to signal "comedy."  Many of the moments in the trailer are "comedic" moments, mostly at the expense of Colin's character, who is a "boring" dolt.  The premise is put forth: leave me alone you boring dolt or I'll cut my fingers off.  Hilarious!  Of course, being a fiddler, he wouldn't really cut his fingers off!  Right?
Later in the trailer, we see Colin crying and dramatically throwing something.  But still, these images seem to be being presented as a kind of dark slapstick.  When I went to see it, I went in expecting a kind of Irish Odd Couple; but that's not what I got.  Does he cut off his finger?  You bet he does.  Not just the one; but four of them; which he then pelts Colin's cottage with.  Side-splitting!  Not only that, Colin's beloved pet donkey attempts to eat the fingers and chokes to death.  I couldn't stop laughing as Colin weeped over the dead donkey!  And when he then went on a murderous/arsonist rampage it was non-stop mirth until the credits rolled!
This was nothing more than watching Colin SUFFER for two hours. Granted, he suffered beautifully.  The man is a beautiful actor.  Not to mention beautiful.  I'm sorry, but the Irish are lovers of beauty.  I didn't buy for a second that Mr. Gleeson's character would cut himself off from that source of beauty.  I don't care how boring "Padraig" was.  Anyone would give their eye teeth (or fingers!) to sit there and stare at him over a pint or six.  That's why beautiful boring people get a pass.  You can be boring if you're beautiful; but damn, you better have something else up your sleeve if you're not.

And an Irishman given the gift of music WOULD NEVER divest himself of that gift.  He just wouldn't.  As I watched the movie I thought to myself: who would do that?  No one, that's who.  Especially an Irish person.  As I watched the movie, as a matter of fact, I thought: "An Irish person wouldn't act this way."  Is this dismemberment supposed to be some kind of metaphor or symbolism or fill in the literary blank?  Is it, in fact, in its extremity, supposed to be funny.  Or should I say extremities?  I'm gonna say...yes?  What else could have been the intention?  Except it wasn't funny.  Not in the least.  Why is this film being sold as a comedy?  It's a bleak drama about a child-like man rejecting his goodness due to the inexplicable cruelty of his "friend."  It was nominated at the Golden Globs (sic) in the Comedy or Musical category.  Well, I guess it did have music up until Brendan chopped his first finger off.
And if Padraig is so friggin' boring; who else on Inisherin is supplying Brendan's character with the intellectual and aesthetic stimulation he seems to require, suddenly, after his seventy plus years of living on a barren rock?  The sheep?  Because it's certainly not any of the other denizens of the island that the movie presents to us.
Do you think perhaps that instead of kicking this innocent in the balls and pushing him off a cliff and literally giving him the finger, that maybe Brendan's character might've...oh, I don't know...taught Padraig HOW TO PLAY A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT?  Wouldn't that have made him a little less boring?  And he wouldn't have had to listen to his conversational drivel, as Padraig would now have a tin whistle in his mouth.

But that's just me.
So, let's review.  

This Musical and/or Comedy has:
Dismemberment: check.
Pervy nasty priest: check
Pervy nasty policeman: check
Incestuous same sex molestation: check
Arson: check
Attempted murder: check
Conversations about incest: check
Betrayal: check
Old crone ageism: check
Familial abandonment: check
Adorable donkey death: check

I can't wait for the musical stage version.
Let's watch the trailer for The Whale!

Hmmmmm...
Now see, this trailer too, is rather misleading.  This makes it seem like a story of hope and the goodness of people.  Caring people.  People who need people.  People who need people, are the luckiest people. IN. THE. WORLD.

The Whale, it seems to me, goes beyond suffering into full blown torture.  It's as though Brendan's been trapped in a mound of refuse, clapped inside a bell jar and subjected to as many degradations as the writers can conjure; and then some more; because, well, why not?  That quote pull from the trailer is a little ironic. "A sensational film of rare compassion." Senasationalism maybe.  And rare compassion, yes; because this is the exact opposite of compassion.  It's a film of heartlessness: literally.  The character literally loses his heart; and we get to see every wheezy, sweaty moment of it.
Why?
What is this movie trying to say?  For the life of me, I couldn't figure it out.  Was he supposed to be some kind of martyr figure, absorbing the sins of the world; because he deserved it, as he had abandoned his family...for another man?  What's with the Moby Dick metaphor?  Brendan's tormentors all live and he croaks.  In Moby Dick, Moby handily (finily?) demolishes all of his tormentors and swims away.  Did I miss something?  I sat trapped in that Skinner's box of and apartment and watched as Brendan was humiliated, abused, tortured, despised, insulted and excoriated.  Somehow he managed to maintain a positive outlook. Was his fatness a metaphor for being gay?  I mean he was fat and gay already.  Was this just piling on, so to speak?
I'm just gonna be honest here...by the time we get to the mother telling Brendan their daughter is "evil"; I think the film turns to camp.  When the mother said it, I nearly did a spit take.  By the time Brendan looms up and walks to his daughter at the end: I swear to God I thought he was going to fall on top of her and take her out too.  Which would've been fine with me.  She was FROM HELL.  Why was Sadie Sink, a very good actress, directed to play 99 and 44/100ths of her performance as a raging...let's just say...beeotch?

Sadie Sink, seen here in one of the many light moments from The Whale​

Really.  She was so nasty!  Going as far as to call her father's dead lover a "faggot."  Hey, I'm sorry...what's with the word "faggot" cropping up in all these gay penned projects of late.  Sorry; but that doesn't fly with me.  A sister says it to her brother in that Teen Cannibals In Love movie; and now here.  Both times, completely gratuitous and unwarranted uses.  
​The final straw for me was the shattered plate outside the window, where Brendan was feeding the birds.  We can't even allow him that one gesture of beauty?  Who smashed the plate?  We're never told explicitly but all signs point to Sadie.  I'm certain if her character could've, she would've broken the starling's neck and ripped it's wings off and threw them at her father.  No, wait...maybe the final straw was when Brendan revealed himself to his students and one of the women practically licked her lips as she raised her smart phone to chronicle poor Brendan's latest humiliation; which we can assume will live on in perpetuity once the student uploads it to Youtube.  Or was the final straw when the pizza delivery man--the only person who was truly kind to him--gets a look at The Whale and runs away with bug eyes and a silent scream.  Yeah, maybe that was the final indignity.  I'm truly surprised we didn't get a scene of The Whale "going to the bathroom."  I mean, we did (literally) get a scene of him going to the bathroom; the implied setup: Gee, how does someone that enormous "go to the bathroom."  Which begs the question: "Gee, how is he able to masturbate?"  Because, when he's presented to us full screen with no shirt, it appears there's no way he could do either.  I don't know about you; but I don't generally want to be thinking of such things when I'm being "entertained."
​I could go on, because the more I think about this film, the angrier I get.  Full disclosure: yes, there were people sobbing in the theater.  Was catharsis achieved?  I don't know.  Perhaps they were tears of relief that movie was finally ending.
Wait...I will go on.  

They kept showing us Brendan gazing into the pristine bedroom he shared with his late boyfriend.  Another form of torture.  Was this supposed to represent heaven?  Couldn't the writer have thrown his character a few bones in the form of flashbacks to this very room, with the lover, when he was happy?  Not only would it have given another actor a job, it would've given the audience a respite.  But that's just me.  No.  We cannot let Brendan into that bedroom! He's in HELL, remember?  'Cuz he's gay and a fat slob and he abandoned his family.  With all this talk of God in the movie, did the writer and director miss the fact that they are the Gods of the world they've created?  I hope so; because if they didn't; they are some cruel and unusual gods.  His go to "happy" memory is of being on the beach, his feet in freezing cold water, with the two shrews he calls a "family"?  And why didn't he have health insurance?  He had a job.  Where were his parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, friends?  The whole plot was set-up as a death trap for this poor, doomed man.  Who was beautifully played by Mr. Fraser.  I don't think there is any other actor who could've pulled it off or done it better.  Mr. Fraser radiates a genuine and compassionate kindness.  He is the only good thing in the movie.
Okay, I'm done.
​Let's talk Oscars!

​Chris' Oscar (TM/Reg./Pat Pend.) take:
ASTROLOGICAL AND CANCELATION (NOT CANCEL CULTURE) PHENOMENOLOGY:
So, Brendan Fraser and Bill Nighy are both Sagittarius.  Austin Butler is a Leo.  Colin Farrell is a Gemini. And Paul Mescal is an Aquarius.  This bodes for some very interesting astrological criss-crossing.  Brendan and Bill as same signs, may cancel one another out.  However, Sagittarius and Gemini are balancing signs.  And as Gemini is the twins, there are actually two Colin Farrells up for the award: so, the four of them may cancel one another out; leaving Austin and Paul.  But Austin is a Leo and Paul is an Aquarius: another pair of balancing signs; so they may cancel one another out...which would mean no one would win.  Which, couldn't really happen...
CULTURAL CANCELATION PHENOMENOLOGY (NOT CANCEL CULTURAL): 
So, we've got two Irish nationals with Colin and Paul.  And we've got a Brit with Bill Nighy.  And Austin and Brendan are both American.  So, by the Cancelation Phenomenon of Oscar Categorization (e.g.: two people nominated in the same category will both cancel each other out and neither will win) all predictors say, in this case, that Colin and Paul will knock each other out of the running and Brendan and Austin, the same.  Which leaves Bill Nighy, who is most assuredly a critical darling (I know I love him!); and this might be "his time."  Austin, being a newbie had slight chances; but now that Lisa Marie has passed away (not to be crass; but it's true) that could very much bolster his chances.  I think, like me, NOBODY has any idea who Paul Mescal is (and I see a lot of movies); or have even seen or heard of the movie he's nominated for.  So he has the slimmest chance of all.  So really, the way the stars (and Stars) have aligned, it's really anyone's game, except for Paul.  Except in the event that the other four all knock one another off: it could very well be Paul.
We shall see...
So, that's $38.00 plus a double-suffering surcharge of $10.00 each for a grand total of:
$58.00
Ciao for now.
Chris

P.S.: How about this: Darren, you direct a musical movie version of Guys and Dolls with Brendan as Sky Masterson and Joaquin Phoenix as Nathan Detroit. Jennifer Connelly, Naomi Watts and Michelle Williams are "The Dolls" of course! Just a straight up redo.  No subtext.  No metatext. No metaphor. No meta anything.  And Martin, you could star Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson in The Irish Rovers Story.  I don't think anyone gets dismembered in that one. And Colin, you're going to have to learn how to play the Irish banjo; but you can do it!

CFR 2/2/23

Remember that actress, Pandora Spocks, who played "Serena" on Bewitched?  She was Samantha's (Elizabeth Montgomery) cousin.  I was thinking about sitcoms; which is why I'm mentioning this extraordinary; but sadly, forgotten actress.
Her name was a clever pun on Pandora's Box (duh).  I read that some A/I program is capable of writing Seinfeld scripts.  How?  Well, because human beings are showing it how to.  Why?  Well, humans just can't resist opening Pandora's Box(!).  We already saw Watson the computer whip every humans ass on the set of Jeopardy!  And that was like ten years ago.  A/I has shown us that it can create artwork as amazing as any Renaissance master; perhaps even better.  Why?  Well, because humans dumped a bunch of human created art into the program and told the computer to extrapolate.  And now A/I is extrapolating our asses off.

​So, apparently actual human writers were using the A/I to come up with the Seinfeld script.  What are you thinking writers?  You don't think that maybe, oh, I don't know, ABC might just have all its sit-coms penned by a computer in order to fire their writing staffs?  Writing staffs are expensive.  Writing staffs need Health and Dental.  A computer program doesn't.
A/I is already putting human artists out of business.  Hey, why pay a human when you can just pay the one time fee for the program and get all the ART you want?  Looking at the above "painting" though; as beautiful as it is...there's something soulless about it.  At the rate it's going, A/I will be able to generate all kinds of filmed entertainment: from penning its own scripts to creating "deep-fake" actors.  Kiss that $20 million dollar paycheck goodbye, Brad and Julia.
In any event, now that I'm a Seinfeld fan, my thought was: fuck you A/I.  I can write a Seinfeld script better than you can. So that's what I'm going to do.  I recently was running an idea for an episode of Seinfeld past my husband, Joseph, and he (a long time fan of the show) started pinging ideas back at me.  So tune in to this blog post for the upcoming "H/I" Seinfeld sit-com script!

​SEINFELD

"The Peekers"
Written by
Christopher F. Reidy & J.R. Butts
INT. MEN'S REST ROOM AT PENDANT PUBLISHING -DAY
George enters the rest-room.  There are three urinals.  The first and third are taken by two men in suits.  George, also in a suit, takes the middle urinal.  He begins his business and looks up at the ceiling.  Then down.  Then quickly to his left.  He looks up again.  Looks down again and then quickly to his right.  The man on his right is CHARLIE SHERMAN, late 30's/early 40's.  He turns his head to the left and George quickly stares up at the ceiling again.
CHARLIE
George?  Is that Georgie Costanza?
GEORGE
Yeah...oh, hey...it's Charlie, right...Charlie...?
CHARLIE
Sherman!  Hey George it's good to see you!
GEORGE
Yeah, Charlie...you too.  I'd shake your hand but; well...my hand is currently unavailable.
CHARLIE
(Laughs) So, what brings you back to Pendant?
GEORGE
Well, you know, baseball is great and all; but I really missed the fast paced world of publishing.
CHARLIE
Couldn't do anything else.
GEORGE
I hear you.  I mean it's the words, right?  All those words!  Just love the words!
CHARLIE
And the pages!
GEORGE
Don't even get me started on the pages!  Oh boy: THE PAGES!
The man at the first urinal zips up, flushes and leaves.
GEORGE
Did he wash his hands?  He didn't wash his hands!  Who does that?!!?
CHARLIE
Yeah, that guy.  And he always wants to shake hands whenever he sees you.
Charlies zips up as does George and they both go to the sink and wash their hands.
CHARLIE
I'll tell you one thing Georgie...cleanliness is next to Godliness...
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah it sure is...
George watches in stunned disbelief as Charlie removes his suit jacket, tie and shirt and proceeds to wash his armpits; which he then dries with the hand-blowdryer.
CUT TO:
INT.  MONK'S CAFE  -NIGHT
JERRY
He dried his underarms with the blow-dryer? I don't believe what I'm hearing!
GEORGE
That's the part you find strange?
JERRY
Unbelievable!
GEORGE
Well, believe it...(stirring some milk into his coffee)...Jerry, can I tell you something?
JERRY
Sure. What?
GEORGE
I peeked...
JERRY
I know George.  It happened in high school.
GEORGE
I'm not saying "peaked": P-E-A-K; I'm saying "peeked": P-E-E-K; as in "peek-a-boo."
JERRY
"Peeked"?  What did you peek at?
GEORGE
You know...
JERRY
No! I'm afraid I don't!

GEORGE
So, you've never peeked at another guys...you know...when you were at the urinal?
JERRY
No!  Those things have partitions.  Besides the rule is, you leave the one between you empty.
GEORGE
Sometimes those things don't have partitions and sometimes there are NO empties!
JERRY
Well, then I'll use a stall or I'll wait.
GEORGE
Well, whatever.  But you're telling me you never peeked?  Not once; ever in your life?
JERRY
...no...
GEORGE
You're telling me you never even inadvertently glanced?  A side-eye?  Your curiosity never got the better of you and you peeked because you wanted to know how you...size up...in the pecking order?
(George is unaware that Elaine has entered the cafe and is standing behind him, taking her coat off)
ELAINE
​Did you just say "pecker"​?
(She slides into the booth next to George)
GEORGE
No. I said "pecking."
ELAINE
"Pecking" like a chicken?
GEORGE
More like a "woodpecker."
ELAINE
I love woodpeckers!  They're my favorite bird!
JERRY
Really?  I would've thought maybe an oriole for you.  Or a parakeet.
GEORGE
How about a mockingbird?  Or a raven maybe?
ELAINE
Nope.  Woodpeckers. And speaking of pecking, I'm starving. I'm peckish! I think I'll have an unsalad.
​JERRY
What's an "unsalad."
ELAINE
It's a diet thing.  I'm watching my weight.
JERRY
But what is it?
ELAINE
​Oh, well, it's a salad without the greens.  Just the dressing and the crackers.  It's really tasty!
GEORGE
So, you just dip the crackers into the dressing? (Elaine nods)  And this helps you lose weight? (She nods again) Okay.  Hey, listen, Elaine...have you ever peeked?
​ELAINE
Do you mean like..."peek-a-boo"?
​GEORGE
​Like peeked at another woman's (he looks down)...you know...when you're in the bathroom somewhere?
ELAINE
What? No!
GEORGE
Oh really?
ELAINE
Even if I wanted to do that George; ladies rooms have stalls. 
JERRY
Yeah George. It's not like a prison with the toilet in the middle of the room!
GEORGE
What about the locker room at the gym?  Huh?  What about that?
ELAINE
Oh well that's different.  That's not peeking; that's just looking.  So, you're saying you peek at other guys (she looks down)...you know...when you're in the bathroom?  How?
GEORGE
When you're at the urinal.  ALL guys do it.
ELAINE
Have you ever done it Jerry?
JERRY
Fine.  Yes.  ​Out of curiosity. It's kind of a guy thing.
​ELAINE
When was the last time you peeked?
JERRY
I don't know...a month ago?
ELAINE
How about you George?
GEORGE
Today.
ELAINE
At Pendant?  Who?  Who did you peek at?  Do I know him?
GEORGE
Charlie Sherman.
ELAINE
Charlie Sherman?!?  I do know him!  He's cute.
GEORGE
That's not all he is--
ELAINE
What?  Is he someone you'd want to get a peek of?
GEORGE
Is he ever.
JERRY
You mean...?
GEORGE
Oh, I mean it.
ELAINE
So, Charlie is like...gifted...in that department?
GEORGE
And wrapped!  The biggest peek I've ever peeked!
ELAINE
I've never seen one that was "wrapped."  I want a peek!  How can I get a peek?
JERRY
You've never seen one that was wrapped?
ELAINE
No, well, I'm not sure...by the time I see them, it's hard to tell.  Now I really want a peek!
JERRY
Have you gone off the deep end?
ELAINE
It's curiosity Jerry.  It's CURIOSITY!
JERRY
What are you?  A cat?

GEORGE
This guy is in that bathroom like clockwork: four fifteen, every day, on the dot.
JERRY
What?  Elaine's gonna go down to the Pendant Publishing men's room and use the urinal?
ELAINE
Why not?
JERRY
You really are insane.  Well, first, and I'm sure not least, it's illegal!
ELAINE
Says who?
GEORGE
​Is it?
JERRY
Pretty sure.
ELAINE
But not one hundred percent?
Jerry stands. 
GEORGE
Where are you going?
JERRY
Well, with all this talk of bathrooms; now I gotta go.  Would you two like to come and have a peek.
GEORGE
Seen it.  No thanks.  
ELAINE
Me too.  Pass.  I only have eyes for Charlie Sherman.
GEORGE
And you sir, are no Charlie Sherman. 
JERRY
Oh my God!  Crazy people.  I'm eating with crazy people...
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT -NIGHT
Jerry, George and Elaine enter the apartment where Kramer is on the couch, munching on crackers. He dips them into a bowl of dressing as he watches the TV.
KRAMER
Hey kids!
JERRY
What are you doing here?
KRAMER
My set's on the fritz and I didn't want to miss Matlock.
JERRY
God forbid.
GEORGE
(Leaning over Kramer's shoulder)  You having one of those unsalads?
KRAMER
Mmmm! So tasty!
ELAINE(Sitting next to Kramer) Say, Kramer, have you ever peeked at a urinal?
KRAMER
Not for a long time.
ELAINE
Why?
KRAMER
Don't need to.  I know exactly where I fall in the pecking order.
GEORGE
And where is that?
KRAMER
The eighty-ninth percentile, give or take.
JERRY
I'm not even going to ask.  So Kramer, get this: Elaine wants to go to the men's room at Pendant Publishing and peek at some guys "woodpecker."
KRAMER
Whose?
JERRY
Does it matter?

KRAMER
And how do you propose to do this Elaine?
ELAINE
I suppose I'd have to don a disguise!  Jerry can I borrow your suit?
JERRY
No.
ELAINE
George?
GEORGE
Are you kidding?  In one of my suits, you'd look the guy from The Talking Heads.
KRAMER
Elaine, I have a friend who can help.
ELAINE
How?
KRAMER
She's a "drag king."
JERRY
What's that?
KRAMER
Well, we've all heard of men who enjoy wearing the clothing of the female sex.  Often for entertainment purposes; but also, as a sort of hobby.  In the parlance, these men are often referred to as "drag queens," although some may prefer "female impersonator" or "female illusionist."
GEORGE
Well, who doesn't know that?
KRAMER
The "drag king" is usually a woman who puts on the traditional clothing of the male.  Which is what my friend Marissa Manoogian does.
JERRY
And what does she do when she's doing this?
KRAMER
She actually does stand-up Jerry and she's really good.  You better watch out!  Her stage name is "Myron."
GEORGE
Myron Manoogian!  As a matter of fact; Charlie Sherman was raving about him the other day.
ELAINE
Her.
JERRY
Never heard of him.
KRAMER
Her.
ELAINE
Do you think Myron could give me some pointers?
KRAMER
Marissa--
ELAINE
Do you think Marissa could give me some pointers?
KRAMER
Actually, I'm having dinner with her tomorrow night.  Why don't you come and ask her?
ELAINE
Okay, that'd be great.  Well, boys...or should I say "kings"?  I've gotta get going.
KRAMER
I'll walk you out.  This Matlock is a repeat.
(They say so long and leave.  Jerry sits and tries the "unsalad")
JERRY
This really is pretty good!
GEORGE
Let me try. (He sits, dips, nods in agreement). It really is!  But how do you lose weight?
JERRY
Well, look at how small these crackers are.
GEORGE
Oh yeah.
JERRY
Can you help me out tomorrow?  I've gotta find a present for Elaine's birthday, which is coming up fast.
GEORGE
Sure Jerry. (Dips and eats another cracker)  Unsalad.  Who knew?  So delicious!
JERRY
And slimming!
(They continue to eat)
FADE OUT

​ACT 2
​INT. MARISSA MANOOGIAN'S LOFT  -DAY
MARISSA MANOOGIAN, 40s, is a petite, round faced woman with a very New Yawk, yet jovial attitude.  She is wearing a rather feminine outfit of a skirt, sweater and knee-high boots.  Kramer sits in a chair and watches as Marissa pulls some men's clothing from a rack and presents several selections to Elaine, who is the process of putting her hair under a cap in front of a mirror.
MARISSA
How about the houndstooth?
ELAINE
I think it's a little...bold.
KRAMER
Marissa, we don't want her to be too conspicuous.  We want her to blend in...may I use your phone?
MARISSA
Sure Cosmo.
Kramer picks up the phone.  CUT TO a shot of his answering machine in his apartment.  We hear Kramer's voice after the machine's BEEP:
"Hello, you have reached Cosmo Kramer.  As I am unavailable at the moment, I would invite you to leave a recorded message after the tone..."  CUT back to Kramer as he punches in the code.  Then we hear Jerry's voice: "Hey Kramer, give me a call when you get this: I need some information about woodpeckers..."
CUT back to Marissa's loft:
KRAMER
Oooh...woodpeckers...
ELAINE
Did you just say "pecker"?
KRAMER
Elaine, never mind about me.  You need to concentrate on your inner king.
ELAINE
You're right.
KRAMER
I usually am...

Kramer dials Jerry's number as he moves out of earshot of Elaine and Marissa.
CUT TO:
Jerry's apartment.  Jerry and George are watching a game on TV.  The phone rings and Jerry answers it.
JERRY
Hello?
KRAMER
Hi, Jerry, it's Kramer.  So you want to pick my mind about woodpeckers?
JERRY
Yeah so, we learned recently that Elaine's favorite bird is the woodpecker--
KRAMER
What kind?
JERRY
I don't know...she didn't say.  Are there different kinds?
KRAMER
Yes!  There are two-hundred plus species in the world and at least sixteen different types in North America!
JERRY
I don't know....something that looks like Woody Woodpecker, I guess.
KRAMER
Well, now you're talking the "pileated" or the "ivory billed."
JERRY
Fine.  The last one.
KRAMER
Well, that one has more than likely gone extinct.  There hasn't been an Ivory bill spotting since the early Forties!
JERRY
Then the other one!
KRAMER
Well Jerry keeping one as a pet isn't such a good idea.  And Elaine has all that beautiful wood molding at her place. He'd wreck it.  Besides it's against the law.
JERRY
I didn't say I wanted a live one.  A statue maybe.  Or a stuffed one...
KRAMER
As in a mounted taxidermic specimen?
JERRY
Yeah, I suppose, as long as it wasn't shedding or anything.
KRAMER
It's called "molting."
JERRY
Kramer, can you help me or not?
KRAMER
Well, as a matter of fact, I know a retired ornithologist from Columbia, who may very well have exactly what you're looking for.  He lives out on Roosevelt Island.  Let me give you his number and address...
Jerry grabs a pen and writes.
JERRY
Great, thanks Kramer.  You're a pal! (He hangs up).  That Kramer is a real mensch!  Come on George; go splash some water on your face...
GEORGE
Why?
JERRY
We're going to Roosevelt Island!  We've got a man to see about a picking out a pickled pecker!

CUT TO:
INT. ROOSEVELT ISLAND SKY-TRAM -DAY
Jerry and George are practically the only two people on the tram.  They're standing, looking out the window.
GEORGE
Ya know, I've never been on this thing before.
JERRY
You've never been on the Roosevelt Island tram before?
GEORGE
No, why would I be going to Roosevelt Island?  Ever?
JERRY
I don't know...sightseeing?  I believe there are several sights to see.
GEORGE
Like what?
JERRY
I don't know, I've never been to Roosevelt Island before.
GEORGE
Then why did you say it like you had?
JERRY
Had what?
GEORGE
Been to Roosevelt Island!
Jerry shrugs.  As the tram passes one of the support pylons, it bumps a little.
GEORGE
What was that?
JERRY
A little turbulence.  It's windy up here.
GEROGE
I'll say.  And we're so high up.  How high up do you suppose we are?
JERRY
A couple a hundred feet maybe?  Like twenty stories or so?
GEORGE
(Throws his arms around Jerry) I hate heights!  Get me off of this thing!
JERRY
How can you live in New York City and hate heights?
GEORGE
I live in Queens Jerry.  There's nothing there higher than three stories!
JERRY
Calm down.  We're almost there.
George begins to hyperventilate.  He points up at an open window.
GEORGE
Why is that window open Jerry?  Why would this thing have windows that can open?  Why?  WHY?!!?
CUT TO:
INT. PROFESSOR NUTALL'S APARTMENT -DAY
PROFESSOR MERIAM NUTALL, Late 70s, crosses the living room of his cramped apartment as he goes to answer the door. The room is covered nearly floor to ceiling with antique prints of birds and taxidermic specimens of birds. He adjusts his glasses and looks through the peep-hole.
PROF. NUTALL
Who is it?
JERRY
(O/S) It's Jerry Seinfeld Professor Nutall and my friend George.  We spoke on the phone--
PROF. NUTALL
Oh yes!  We spoke at length about the family Picidae; in particular "dryocopus pileatus"! (He opens the door)
JERRY
Yes Sir.  At looooooonnnnnggggg length.

PROF. NUTALL (Moves his face close to Jerry's)
Please come in!
GEORGE (To Jerry, under his breath)
Oh boy, we've got a close talker here.
PROF. NUTALL
Good looking young man, if I do say so!
JERRY
Oh, ah, thank you, Sir.
PROF. NUTALL
(Moving in too close on George)  A most agreeable countenance!
GEORGE
​Ah, thank you Professor, Sir.
PROF. NUTALL
Please, call me Meriam.
JERRY
"Miriam"?
PROF. NUTALL
Meeriam...
GEORGE
Like the dictionary?
PROF. NUTALL
Precisely.  And I must apologize if I'm "getting in your face" as they say; but I've misplaced my bifocals and I can't see a thing.
JERRY
Would you like us to help you look for them?
PROF. NUTALL
Oh, thank you, but no.  I think I left them at a restaurant on the mainland.
JERRY
Oh, I see...
PROF. NUTALL
​Well, I don't! (He laughs)  Do you think I could do stand-up Mr. Seinfeld?
JERRY
I don't know...maybe?
PROF. NUTALL
The world of ornithology can be quite amusing!
GEORGE
Yeah, just look at Donald Duck.  He doesn't wear pants.  Hilarious!
JERRY
What about Tweety Bird?  We can't forget Tweety Bird.
PROF. NUTALL
Oh yes, that most delightfully mischievous Serinus Canaria! (Moving towards a table covered with different taxidermy woodpeckers)  Well, here they are.  And you were interested in a specimen of the pileated variety?
JERRY
Yes, ah, Meriam.
PROF. NUTALL
(Picks up a large, red-crested woodpecker) Did you know that a woodpecker can peck some twenty times a second; with a force of up to fourteen-hundred g's?
JERRY
Actually, you did mention it, on the phone...
PROF. NUTALL
Did I tell you how they avoid concussing their brains?
JERRY
​Well, Meriam--
PROF. NUTALL
It's fascinating!  Their skulls, you see, are designed in such a way...
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Jerry and George are on a small sofa.  Prof. Nutall is still talking about birds. Jerry is doing everything he can to keep his eyes open.  George, who has drifted off, SNORTS and startles himself.
GEORGE
Who!  What!  Where!??! 
PROF. NUTALL
What?
JERRY
(Seizing opportunity)  Well, Meriam, we've gotta get going or we're going to miss this birthday party.  So, we said fifty bucks for the bird, right?
PROF. NUTALL
Yes, yes that is the sum I believe we agreed on.
JERRY
(Thrusts cash into Prof. Nutall's  hand and grabs the bird and chucks it in a shopping bag he brought)  Well thank you so much Professor--
PROF. NUTALL
Meriam!
JERRY
Yeah, whatever.  Come on George! (He's out the door)
GEORGE
Well, thank you Miriam.  That was most enlightening.
PROF. NUTALL
Meriam!
GEORGE
Yeah, whatever.  G'bye!

CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APT. -DAY
Jerry and George enter the apartment. There are racks of men's clothing everywhere. Kramer, Marissa Manoogian (now dressed as a "King") and NEWMAN are seated, watching the TV.  Newman turns from the sofa and looks at Jerry.
JERRY
Hello Newman...
NEWMAN
Hello Jerry...
JERRY
Is this my apartment or Penn Station?  What's going on?
KRAMER
King Elaine is about to make his debut and my place wasn't big enough for all the accoutrements.  Did you get the...WP?
JERRY
(Holds up shopping bag) Right here! 
ELAINE 
(Calling out from bathroom O/S) Okay, I think I'm ready...
MARISSA
(In a masculine voice) Okay Elaine...(She leaps up and stands near the table).
The bathroom door opens and Elaine comes out.  She's quite convincingly dressed as a man, in a beautifully tailored classic business suit.  She also has a mustache and a gentleman's haircut.  The "illusion" is quite convincing.
ELAINE
(In her own voice)  Well, whadaya think?
MARISSA
Out door voice Elaine; outdoor voice.
ELAINE
(Dropping her voice) Well, come on...could I pass?
GEORGE
I don't believe it!
JERRY
I gotta say...wow...
NEWMAN
It's uncanny!
KRAMER
KISMET!!!
ELAINE
I gotta say...I feel very...empowered!
MARISSA
Walk the walk, dude...
Elaine walks across the floor, very much like a woman would.
MARISSA
Elaine, we talked about this.  You've gotta lead with the beans.
ELAINE
Oh right!  "Lead with the beans."
Elaine takes a moment, slicks her hair and adjusts her crotch. She then proceeds to "lead with the beans."

 JERRY
(To Elaine)  You know, having dated you, I'm feeling very confused right now.
ELAINE
​(Sidling seductively up to Jerry) Are you man enough to handle my inner-man?
JERRY
Back away Elaine: I may not be responsible for my actions.
ELAINE
That could be taken two ways, Jer.
JERRY
​Apparently so could you.
MARISSA
Okay Elaine, keep practicing.
ELAINE
This is as good as it's gonna get.  We have to leave soon to be at that urinal by four fifteen.  Will you come with us?
MARISSA
Ah, no thanks...I sort of draw the line at urinals. (She starts for the door) Good luck...
KRAMER
Marissa, I'd like you to meet my dear friends Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza.
(Greetings are exchanged)
GEORGE
Nice to meet you Marissa.
MARISSA
I prefer "Myron" when I'm "working."
GEORGE
Oh, yeah, sorry Myron.  I've heard a lot of rave reviews at work.  This guy Charlie Sherman is a big fan!
MARISSA
(To Elaine) Isn't that the guy you're going to...see?  (Elaine nods excitedly as she continues practicing her "male" gestures)  Nice meeting you all.  (To Jerry) Who are you again?
JERRY
Well, I prefer Jerry, when I'm "working."
Marissa looks at him with a puzzled tilt of the head and leaves.  Kramer goes to the kitchen counter with the shopping bag.
KRAMER
Well, so what did you two think of Merry-am?
JERRY
"Merry-am"?  You mean, Meereeam?
KRAMER
No. "Meriam"; like the dictionary.
GEORGE
I thought he was a bird-brain.
KRAMER
Now that's cruel George.  The man is a giant in his field.  He nearly single-handedly brought back the kiwi!
JERRY
The fruit?
GEORGE
I just meant that he has birds on the brain.
NEWMAN
So Elaine, what's going to be your nom de king?
ELAINE
Art Vandelay.
GEORGE
That sounds familiar.  Why do I know that name?
Kramer looks in the shopping bag and does a double take.  His face contorts in shock and confusion.
KRAMER
Jerry...could I see you out in the hall for a moment?
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
Now, Jerry--
ELAINE
Hurry up Kramer.  It's peak peeking time!
CUT TO:
INT. THE HALLWAY -DAY
Jerry pulls the door to his apartment closed as Kramer lifts the woodpecker from the bag.
KRAMER
What is this?!!?
JERRY
It's a woodpecker.
KRAMER
Do you know what kind?
JERRY
Yeah, the one you told me to get: the pixelated one...
KRAMER
The 'pileated'!  This is an ivory-billed specimen!
JERRY
Yeah, so?
KRAMER
Jerry, this is worth thousands of dollars. Perhaps even priceless!  Muhhrium would never part with it!
JERRY
For fifty bucks he would--
KRAMER
We've got to get this back to him!
JERRY
Now?
KRAMER
Yes now!  This man's reputation is on the line!  No ornithologist worth his SALT would knowingly let this slip from his grasp!  And I will not be responsible for sullying that reputation!

​CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APT. -DAY
Jerry and Kramer come back in.  Elaine is doing some final touches on her hair in a mirror.
JERRY
You didn't cut your hair for this, did you?
ELAINE
No.  It's a wig over a cap and it itches like crazy!
JERRY
Key word here is "crazy."
ELAINE
Are you ready Kramer?
KRAMER
Sorry Elaine, something's come up...
ELAINE
But we need you for urinal blocking!
KRAMER
I'm sorry; but this is an emergency.  Take Newman.
NEWMAN
Hey, wait a minute!  You can't just volunteer my urinal blocking services!
KRAMER
You owe me several favors and I reserve the right to call one in!
NEWMAN
Well...so...what can you bring to the table Elaine?
ELAINE
There's a Fanny Farmer gift card in my purse with eleven dollars and thirty-nine cents on it.
NEWMAN
​Fanny Farmer...love those Minty Meltaways...it's a deal.
ELAINE
Well, go put on a suit and hurry up about it.
KRAMER
Outdoor voice Elaine.
ELAINE
(Deep commanding voice) Get off your ass and get dressed.
Newman leaps up and runs out of the apartment.
GEORGE
I gotta be honest.  I'm a little turned on.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROOSEVELT ISLAND TRAM TERMINAL -DAY
Jerry and Kramer are standing in a small crowd, waiting for the tram.  Kramer is holding the shopping bag.
JERRY
Say, Kramer...
KRAMER
Yes?
JERRY
How do you know Marissa?
KRAMER
Well, we met when we were both doing extra work on All My Children.
JERRY
I meant more like...how do you know her...​
KRAMER
Oh.  Well.  Jerry...as you know...I never kiss and tell.

JERRY
Well, I'm not asking for a tell all...I mean, I've never seen Marissa; but Myron is a good looking...fellah...I'm just curious...
KRAMER
Then maybe you should ask Myron...(Jerry raises his eyebrow)...or Marissa...(Jerry is nonplussed)...the tram is arriving.
The tram pulls into the station and the crowd starts pushing on to it.
JERRY
Come on Kramer...
KRAMER
My shoe came untied...(Kramer rests the shopping bag on top of the tram and crouches and ties his shoe).
JERRY
(Leaning out the door) Kramer, get in here!  You're gonna miss the ride! (He grabs Kramer by his overcoat and pulls him on to the tram.  The door closes and Kramer's coat gets caught).
CUT TO:
INT. -SKY TRAM -DAY
Kramer is stuck to the door by his coat.
KRAMER
Jerry...the bird!  I left the bird on top of the tram!
JERRY
Well, I guess we can kiss fifty bucks good-bye.
KRAMER
I can get it!  Those windows are open! (He points up at the open transom style window. He starts squirming out of his coat)
JERRY
You can't be serious...
KRAMER
Oh, I am!  I can get through that window and on to the roof!
JERRY
Kramer, it's dangerous.  You could be killed!
KRAMER
I came in third at Brooklyn Boulders '97 Wall Climb competition.
JERRY
Third?  That doesn't instill a lot of confidence.
KRAMER
Just move below the windows, give me a boost, and I'll take it from there.
Jerry shakes his head, sighs and pushes through the crowded tram.
CUT TO:
INT. PENDANT PUBLISHING MEN'S ROOM -DAY
We see the three urinals and the two stalls and the row of three sinks.  We see the feet of a BUSINESS MAN in the stall. George, Elaine (dressed as a "king" of course) and Newman in his best postal outfit, file in.  They walk slowly to the urinal area and mill around.  George keeps craning his neck downwards and the three speak in really bad stage whispers.  Also, Elaine keeps forgetting her "indoor voice" and reverts to her own.
ELAINE
What are you looking at?
GEORGE
(Pointing)  There's someone in the stall!
BUSINESS MAN
Is somebody out there?
ELAINE
(Uncertain)  Ah, yes, my good man...we three men are...peeing...here at the urinal area...
BUSINESS MAN
Terrific...ah, do you think one of you could get me some TP?  There's none in here.
ELAINE
Sure, Sir.  Happy to oblige! (To Newman) You do it!
NEWMAN
Why me?
GEORGE
You deliver things!  You're the obvious choice!
ELAINE
And why are you in your uniform?  I told you to wear a suit!
NEWMAN
I brought it to the dry cleaners three years ago...
ELAINE
Three years ago?
NEWMAN
I forgot.
GEORGE
Oh, that suit is long gone.
ELAINE
Yeah, you can just say "good-bye" to that suit.
GEORGE
Blow that suit a kiss, buddy-boy.
BUSINESS MAN
(Coughs) Ahem!
Newman tippy-pats to the other stall, gets some tissue paper and reemerges.
NEWMAN
(Tossing the toilet paper into the air) Incoming!
We hear scuffling, grunting, huffing and puffing come from the stall.  And then finally a very loud FLUSH.  The Business Man emerges.  He has a sheepish look on his face.  He also has a long train of toilet paper he is unaware of.  Also some stuck in his hair.
BUSINESS MAN
Thanks.  But you coulda just handed it to me under the stall door. 
He goes to the sink and George continues to crane his neck.
ELAINE
What are you doing?
GEORGE
I want to make sure he washes his hands...
ELAINE
Why?
GEORGE
In case I ever have to shake his hand, that's why.
The Business Man washes his hands and leaves.
GEORGE
Thank God!  What time is it?
NEWMAN
It's ten past four.
ELAINE
What are we going to do for five minutes?  What if someone else comes in?
Sure enough, the door opens and a 2ND BUSINESS MAN comes in and heads for the urinals.  Newman, Elaine and George (in that order) dash to the urinals and mime...what one does at a urinal.  The 2ND BUSINESS MAN shakes his head and goes into one of the stalls.

Elaine begins to squirm, as she's somewhat trapped by the bulk of Newman and George on either side of her.
ELAINE
(Sounding rather like Moe from The Three Stooges) Spread out a little! (She starts elbowing Newman)
NEWMAN
Hey!  Watch it, you're making me sprinkle!
ELAINE
Are you actually peeing?  You're supposed to be pretending! 
NEWMAN
I had to go!
ELAINE
Oh my God!  Don't you dare sprinkle on me! (She inadvertently looks down) Oh, hell no!
GEORGE
What?
ELAINE
I peeked.  Oh God!  I peeked at Newman. (Closes her eyes) George, please tell me you're pretending!
GEORGE
I'm pretending!  Pretending this isn't happening...Ssssshhhh!
The 2nd Business Man comes out of the stall and gives the trio a concerned glance as he goes to the sink.  George follows him.
ELAINE 
Where are you going?
GEORGE
I'm making sure he washes his hands!
ELAINE
Come back here!
George follows the 2nd Business man who doesn't wash his hands.  
GEORGE
Unbelievable!
A 3RD BUSINESS MAN enters and makes a bee-line for the urinal that George vacated.  Elaine starts nudging Newman.
NEWMAN
What?
ELAINE
You've got to move!  
She elbows Newman who yelps and then goes into a stall.  Elaine moves to the first urinal, leaving the middle one empty.  The 3rd Business Man seems oblivious.  George now takes the middle urinal as the bathroom door opens and Charlie Sherman enters.  He takes the urinal that the 3rd Business man now vacates; thus thwarting Elaine's Prime Peak.
CHARLIE
Oh, hey Georgie!
GEORGE
Hey Charlie...
CHARLIE
How's it going?
GEORGE
Just finishing up here.  Really had to go!
CHARLIE
​I hear ya...(noticing Elaine who is now looking up at the ceiling) Pardon me, but aren't you Myron Manoogian, the comic?
ELAINE
Are you talking to me?
CHARLIE
You are Myron Manoogian!  I'd recognize that voice anywhere. I'm a huge fan! (He reaches in front of George's face, extending a hand; which Elaine reluctantly shakes)
ELAINE
I think you've mistaken me for someone else.  I'm Art Vandelay.
CHARLIE
(To George) What a kidder!  Didn't I tell you this guy was fantastic?
GEORGE
I'll let you two get better acquainted.
George dashes to the sink and starts furiously washing his hands.  A 4TH BUSINESS MAN enters and takes the middle urinal; again thwarting Elaine.  Charlie flushes and goes to the sink.  Elaine finally throws in the towel and goes to the sink.
CHARLIE
I love the bit you do about the old lady in the delicatessen with her toy poodle.  Could you do that bit for me?
GEORGE
Yeah, come on Myron...do the bit.
Charlie takes off his suit jacket, then his tie.
CHARLIE
Oh, do you know each other?
GEORGE
Sure, sure...say, how did we meet anyways Myron?
ELAINE
​When we were, ah, both, uhhm...stockboys! In Bloomingdale's brassierre department.  Summer of '77!  Good times!  Yeah, so...the poodle bit...(Doing a sort of Rodney Dangerfield thing)  So, there was this old lady...and she had a toy poodle...
(Charlie takes off his shirt and starts washing his armpits.  Elaine's eyes widen) And so, she's goes into the deli and she wants to...she wants to...
The camera does a series of close ZOOMS, cutting between Elaine's incredulous eyes and Charlie's prodigiously hairy back.
​CUT TO:
INT. ROOSEVELT SKY TRAM -DAY
Jerry crouches down and clasps his hands together to give Kramer a boost.
JERRY
I can't believe I'm doing this.  Oh, wait.  I can believe I'm doing this.
He hoists Kramer who clasps the widow sill and starts wriggling through the tight opening.
CUT TO:
​EXT. SKY TRAM -DAY
We see Kramer come through the window.  He hangs on to the sill with one hand as he tries to find a foothold.  The woodpecker is in the shopping bag, right where Kramer left it.  The camera ZOOMS in on the face of a shocked COMMUTER WOMAN as she points out the window.
CUT TO:
INT. SKY TRAM -DAY
Everyone is pressed against the windows, watching Kramer as he nonchalantly starts clambering up to the roof.  Jerry detaches himself from the commotion, trying to be nonchalant himself.
COMMUTER WOMAN
He's going to jump!  Conducter...STOP THIS TRAM!
CUT TO:
EXT. SKY TRAM -DAY
The tram comes to an abrupt halt, twenty stories over the East River.  Kramer, who now has the shopping bag in his hand, loses his footing with the jolt of the tram and falls over the side.  Fortunately, his pants catch on a metal latch.  The wind starts rocking the tram and Kramer bangs against the window.  His underwear has also been hung on the latch and with each bang Kramer proceeds to get a wedgie.  He removes his belt and loops it through an O ring.  His pants fall off and are taken by the wind.  CLOSE on Kramer's underwear, which is starting to split.
KRAMER
Uhh-oh!
CUT TO:
INT. PENDANT PUBLISHING MEN'S ROOM -DAY
Charlie is finishing up his ablutions.  Elaine has loosened her tie.  She's covered in sweat and her wig is slipping.
CHARLIE
No, that's not how it goes.  The poodle ends up in the potato salad and the old lady says--
ELAINE
I can't take it anymore!
CHARLIE
No, that's not it--
ELAINE
​(Freaking out) SASQUATCH!  SO ITCHY! IT'S SO ITCHY! OOOH DO I ITCH!!! (She starts scratching at her wig) SASQUATCH! (She SCREAMS and rushes out of the bathroom. We hear her voice receding as she runs down the hall) SASSSSSSSSSSQUAAAAATCH!
CHARLIE
What's his problem?
GEORGE
He can only take being in a bathroom for so long.  He has...ahh...tile-a-phobia...
CHARLIE
So, why is he yelling "Sasquatch"? (he goes to the blower and starts drying his underarms).
GEORGE
Oh, yeah...well, you know...(looks around) It's a brand of tile...
NEWMAN
(LOUDLY O/S)  Could somebody get me some TP?  Please?  Anybody?

CUT TO:
INT. SKY TRAM -DAY
We see what the occupants of the tram are seeing: Kramer's rear end in a pair of tighty-whities that are proceeding to tear in half.  Once they do, the visuals are PIXELATED.  Kramer's butt keeps slapping against the glass.
LADY COMMUTER
Dear God!  That poor man's tuchus is geschwollen!
There is more or less pandemonium inside the tram car.  A gust of wind sends it swinging and Kramer, clutching his belt and his overcoat (which is still stuck in the door) bounces into the void and returns, now his front side, pressed against the glass.
LADY COMMUTER
Oy gevalt!  (Through the glass, to Kramer)  Mister, we can see your schvantz!
CUT TO :
EXT. TRAM CAR -DAY
Kramer tries to cover his schvantz with the shopping bag, loses control of it and the woodpecker falls out.  The wind takes the woodpecker, it's wings now spread, and sends it sweeping over the Eastside skyline.
CUT TO:
INT. SKY TRAM -DAY
JERRY
(To Lady Commuter)  Do you think he's in the eighty-ninth percentile?
LADY COMMUTER
(Puts on her readers) More or less...
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT -DAY
TWO WEEKS LATER
Jerry is at the kitchen counter, making a sandwich.  George and Elaine are at the table, where the latter has a Big Salad in front of her.
JERRY
So, at least you got a peek at Newman, right?  Tell me again, is he wrapped or unwrapped?
ELAINE
I don't want to talk about that anymore Jerry!  Please, just let me enjoy my Big Naked Salad in peace.
GEORGE
(Lowers the newspaper he's reading)  What happened to your unsalad?
ELAINE
I got tired of those; besides, a naked salad is better for you.
JERRY
And what, pray tell, is a "naked" salad?
ELAINE
It's a salad with just the greens.
GEORGE
No dressing?  No croutons?  No crackers?
ELAINE
Nope.
GEORGE
So it's raw?
ELAINE
All salads are "raw" George.  Nobody "cooks" a salad--(noticing something in the paper) Let me see that--(she grabs paper)  Oh, now this is interesting--(reads)--"Several bird-watching Manhattanites recently reported that an Ivory Billed woodpecker was seen flying over Lexington Avenue.  Eminent ornithologist Marry-hem...Merry-umm? Mermiam?
GEORGE
(Enunciating) Mahre-eee-uhmm...
JERRY
(Enunciating) Mah-Rye-ohm...
ELAINE
Whatever--"...Nutall when reached for comment, explained that the odds of the bird being an actual Ivory Billed were two point two trillion to one, as the bird is now thought to be extinct--"  Wow, two point two trillion!  
JERRY
Yeah.  Wow.
GEORGE
Wow. Wow doesn't cover it.
The phone rings and Jerry answers it.
JERRY
Hello?  Oh, hi Mom!
CUT TO:
EXT. FLORIDA BEACH -DAY
MR. AND MRS. SEINFELD are walking down the beach.  Several seagulls fly above them, squawking.
MRS. SEINFELD
Your father and I are at the beach.  We're actually calling from the beach!  Your father won one of these newfangled "cell" phone things in a raffle.
JERRY
Oh, that's nice.
MRS. SEINFELD
So is Kramer out of the hospital yet?
JERRY
No...
MRS. SEINFELD
Why not?
JERRY
Well, once the seventy-two hour observation was over, Kramer decided to stay for a while.  He says he's made some interesting new friends.
MRS. SEINFELD
Well, Bellevue or not, they couldn't be any crazier than you, George and Elaine!
JERRY
From your lips, Ma.
MRS. SEINFELD
Well, I just wanted to check in.  Your father and I are going out for dinner.  Jerry, have you ever heard of an unsalad?
(The Seinfelds proceed down a boardwalk.  Mr. Seinfeld notices something and tries to get Mrs. Seinfeld's attention).  What Morty?  Stop bothering me!  Can't you see I'm on the phone?
MR. SEINFELD
What kind of seagull was that?
JERRY
What's he saying?
MRS. SEINFELD
Who knows?  Something about a bird...
They continue walking and the camera pans a row of seagulls sitting on the railing.  The camera comes to an abrupt stop, PANS back and ZOOMS in on the Ivory Billed woodpecker specimen.
OUT
TAG
INT. BELLEVUE HOSPITAL COMMON ROOM -DAY
Kramer, in a bathrobe and pajamas, lights his cigar.  He's sitting with a group of similarly attired PATIENTS.  He raises a remote.
KRAMER
I wonder what's going on in Pine Valley today.  I hope Erica bounces back from that head trauma!
He puffs his cigar, clicks on the TV.  Freeze frame.
ROLL CREDITS
END

CFR 2/16/23