NOT FOR THE KIDDIES...

"Getting Down With Gregory and Getting Used to It"
A FOX NEWS EXCLUSIVE!
by
ROY-O A'RAYMONDO
"Border-line treason," I said to myself as I gazed out the window of my airplane, sipping my diet Moxie, "that's what it is!" and I wasn't talking about Olympians exercising their right to free speech and holding forth their opinions on the political climate in America when asked about it. "That's just wrong," I thought to myself and I may have said it out loud I was so incensed!  "How dare American's criticize their own country!  Why the next thing you know, they'll be protesting!"  I finally asked the person in the aisle seat to kindly turn off Heated Rivalry, which they'd been binge watching since take-off.  Why should I be submitted to six full episodes of hockey themed filth!??! Canadian PORNO!  All that uncircumcised Canadian bacon! And what kind of Lady Freak would watch that??? Besides my neck hurt from craning it--err--as I was trying to figure out the best way to put an end to that perversion!  In the politest way possible, of course.  I should sue the airline for sexual harassment!
And you know what else is border-line treason?, I thought.  Demoting Commander-At-Large Greg Vobino!  Treason by those Leftist Anarchists, that's who!  How dare they effectuate change by causing the ousting of A TRUE AMERICAN PATRIOT?!!?
Which was why I was on the plane.  I was headed to California (bleccch!) to meet Commander Vobino and get to the very bottom of this injustice.  And I wanted it from the horse's mouth!

There was a heavy bout of turbulence, so I pulled out my rosary beads and went to work!  We finally landed and when we were at the baggage carousel, I was about to give that dirty porn watching woman a piece of my mind; but before I could, someone dressed like a bush approached me, holding a sign with my name on it.

I was escorted out to the sidewalk to a waiting black SUV with tinted windows.  A bag was put over my head and I was soon spirited away.  I wasn't worried though.  I had been debriefed back at the FOX NEWSroom that this was standard procedure on any meeting with Commander Greg.  "Could I get a Diet Moxie, please?" I asked.  The next thing I knew everything went black, that is blacker than the black under my black hood.  I mean I must've passed out.  I know, I wasn't pistol whipped or anything!  Pussy-whipped, sure! (Yaass, I'm talking to you Miss Ingraham!) But pistol whipped?  They wouldn't do that to someone with a name like Roy-o A'Raymondo, would they?  It was so clearly an American name!
When I came to, I realized I was sitting in a chair, my hands tied behind my back, my legs bound to the chair legs.  I was starting to feel like that Anastasia girl in Fifty Shades of Greg--err--Grey!  Which I would never, ever read by the way! The hood was ripped from my throbbing head and I found myself staring into a glaring desk lamp, pointed right at my peepers.  "Could I get some Excedrin P.M.?" I asked nicely.  A big, brutish hand slapped me across the face.  Which I have to admit, made me forget about my headache.
"Who are you?" I heard a super-duper deep, ultra-manly voice demand from the shadows just beyond the light.  I could make out some figures.  More people dressed as bushes.  Or were those actual bushes?  Like the, landscaping kind--not the man-scaping kind!
"It's me.  Roy-O Araymando.  I have an appointment with--"  Someone threw ice-cold water in my face.  "I'm from FOX News!" I sputtered.  
"PROVE IT!" came the reply.
This was starting to get a little scary.  "My employee identification badge is in my pocket--"
I was quickly untied and thrown over a table and someone began thrusting their hands into my pants pockets.
"Am I going to be debriefed now?" I asked with a gulp.
The hands pushed ever deeper into my pocket.  I mean, how hard was it to find an ID badge?
Another butch voice: "Found this Chief!"
"Hmmmmm.  This isn't an I.D. badge.  It's a business card: "Miss Laura The Victorian Spankstress."
There must've been some kind of mix-up!  How did Laura's card find it's way into my pocket?  Laura would never--
I felt more hands on my person.  This time they went down the front of my trousers and pulled out what was down there.
"What the hell is this thing?"
"It's just my Fox Action News Tool, Sir..."
"What is it?"
"It's a news gathering device."
"Why is it down the front of your pants?"
"I'm fully licensed for concealed carry!"
"Are you the one who called about the interview with Herr--ah--Commander Vobino?"
"Yes!  My assistant Bruce was supposed to have set up a little wine and cheese and nibblies sesh for my chat with Greg!"
"It's Gregory.  Commander at Large Gregory Vobino," yet another voice barked; although this voice sounded rather like a talking Pomeranian trying to sound like Charles Bronson.  "Take him to the Rec Hall and get him ready..."
Then I was being searched again.  And stripped!  And strip-searched.  Now, in nothing but my birthday suit, I was herded into a closet of some kind and asked for my clothing sizes.  I soon found myself in front of a three-way mirror being fitted into a uniform, that I have to say, was super cute!

Oh Matty...I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU!!!  But...

Oh, wait...that's my other hall pass.  Oopsie!
But I can't quit you either Matt.  A) Because of our HEATED RIVALRY and 2) Because you still owe me a cool $1.5 million.  Look, I'm willing to take it in installments...or other arrangements.  Maybe a small role in your next thrilling entry of the Bourne franchise.  I don't know, if not a plum role as say UNITED STATES PRESIDENT CALVIN H. BARKLEY (you know, one of those "fictional" movie Presidents, which I would CRUSH (Just sayin'); then maybe, like something smaller.  Perhaps a reboot of RESEARCH TECH #1 which gave none other than Mr. Walton Goggins his start!

Geez, couldn't they have found a better pic for Wally?  It looks like he spent the afternoon being booked. And who knows, some day I may have my own line of puzzling eyewear...

I mean are they for skiing?  Snorkeling?  Wood-shop?  Welding?  I mean, they look kinda New Wave and they are, all things considered, reasonably priced.  I would wear them...especially if Mr. Goggins is reading this and appreciating this free publicity (I am an unpaid spokesperson).  I really kind of like (hint,hint) the model called "Mama's Skillet" which I think Mr. Gogglins is modeling above (wink, wink):

But enough about Mr. Grooglinz and his totes rad eye-fashion.  We need to talk about you Matt.  I recently saw you on Youtube navigating the Stephen Colbert Questionnaire and I have a question for you.  Have you ever seen Mr. Colbert's penis?  It seems a lot of male celebs have; and it seems like (judging from my engagement with his suit-pants every night on his TV show) that's there's quite a bit to see!  He's Irish and French so it could go either way; but sometimes it's more about aesthetics, right?

There's also more than a little Colbertcake online.  Stevie's got it going on!  Like this bare-chested-armpit bonus shot from a while back:

Now, I don't know if he trimmed a little for the above; but I say he takes home the Gold for Overall-Armpit-Area-Audaciousness!  He shoots, he scores!  A perfect 10!  And I wouldn't kick him off the Ed Sullivan stage for  little self nip-tweaking, if you know what I mean!  
​But we need to come up with an idea for you, my friend.  We need to come up with a Damonesque product you can bring to market.  I was wondering what that could be.  I was trying to think of a character or movie role of yours that people automatically think of when they see you or hear your name.  And I couldn't think of one.  Here's a list of all of your movies:

Let's see...I'm gonna say...your searing portrayal of "Mitch Emhoff" in Contagion, or; "Sir Jean De Carrouges" who you immortalized in The Last Duel; or maybe your riveting essaying of "David Norris" in The Adjustment Bureau!

Let's brain-thunder here...
Matt's Medi-Masks (TM). Matt Damon branded surgical masks for when you don't care to inhale the very worst...maybe...
Matt-tresses (TM) Matt Damon's High End Medieval Hairpieces and Mullets; only your hairdresser will know for sure.  It's the last tupe you'll ever need...has possibilities...
Matt's Phat Hats (TM) Matt's Adjustment Bureau Hats, NOW with proprietary self adjusting brims!  Matt Has Hats Down Pat! (TM)
I don't know.  None of these are flying off the shelf for me.  Let's see...is there some other character you've played; maybe one of the more obscure ones that can give us some fresh insight.  One who may have something already associated with him?  I wonder...

No...not that character.  I'm talking about Matt "Dunking" Damon!

...buuut then again...that's really kind of Ben's thing.  You seem to be only half-heartedly "getting into it."  In fact, most times it appears you're under some kind of duress.  Or emotional blackmail.  Blink twice if you're okay Matty!  See, even Colbert is trying to horn in on it.  Have you seen Steve's munchkins?  I hear he likes them coated in cinnamon-sugar.  Also, have you seen his donut hole?
Speaking of donut holes!  You need a HEATED RIVALRY with Ben, Matt!  And what better way to turn up the heat than with a competing donut brand!??!  And I may have mentioned this before; but I think that brand should be Mass-a-donut-hole based KANE'S DONUTS!  Hey HAL, tell me about KANE'S DONUTS!

Matt, I believe there's been a family battle over ownership/finances/etc. etc. regarding Kane's Donuts!  I bet you could swoop in, snap it up for a song; do some soft rebranding and take it National!

I'm gonna run this up your flag-pole and maybe you'll salute:

Why it's as easy as ABC! Go for it baby bear!

I think we've gotten a little off track here; but that's par for the course for me, Bagger Vance!  Now, I've recently just realized that I have never seen your portrayal of Mr. Jason Bourne of said franchise; of which, there were four films of which you starred as the titular title character.  I recently (finally) finished setting up my Smart TV by attaching a DVD player to it, which was a whole thing.  Now you would think the TV would supply the adapter it requires as it does the remote and the little legs.  But no.  It didn't.  So, I had to find the right one of those; and then that needed further cables to attach to the adapter; so, in short, it was a whole hassle that I just put off until after the holidays.  So, I was down to the Vinton Library which has a pretty decent movie collection.  My eyes fell on The Bourne Identity and I thought: "Hey, Chris!  You should catch up on your pal Matty's take on the Super-Duper Spy; so why not start at square one?"  When I got home, I excitedly ripped the disc from it's box and then I saw it.  Right there, as plain as a plain Dunkin Donut: FULL SCREEN.

I don't know about you Matt; but I went to film school.  But I guess, you have too; having starred in all those movies, which must've taught you everything and more about making films; I'm sure light years more than me at old B.U.  But if film school taught me anything; it's all about COMPOSITION.  I would argue it's THE MOST IMPORTANT element of any visual piece of art; and that includes cinema.  So, I simply cannot abide any film that has been visually altered in any way.  I just can't do it.  It utterly kills my enjoyment.  All the time at the movies I'm going to find the manager to fix the film aspect ratio if it's not correct.  Or adjust the curtains around the screen if the movie's projecting on them.  I mean, I'm super nice about it.  I'm not like a Cahiers-du-Karen or anything.  But it happens a lot.
Remember when we were kids and they'd show like a CINEMASCOPE picture on TV and you'd be watching it and finding yourself vaguely dissatisfied, confused and or bored?  I could never put a finger on it as a kid; but of course now I know it was because I wasn't seeing all of the image on the TV screen at any given time.

But I'm sure you know all of this...
Speaking of altering motion pictures...take a look at the banner on the cover of The Bourne Identity DVD:

I don't think I've heard of such a thing.  Do they mean this is a "Director's Cut"?  Because if it is it doesn't say that.  Who did direct this?  Hey HAL...
Mr. Doug Liman, who is a mere six months older than moiself.  Let's take a look!

He's cayh-yoot!  I have a thing for baby-blues with bushy brows!  And I wouldn't kick him out of bed for making Chaos Walking (which I saw at the movies)--yah know what I'm sayin'?

And he's single...oh, yeah...hall pass baby...your pass is on my list...your ass is on my pass...boom-chick-a-wah-wah...
​But seriously!
Now I'm confused.  How can The Bourne Identity have a new ending AND a new beginning!??!  I don't know where to start now!  I know, how about the trailer?  Let's take a look!

I'm happy to report that Wally "Research Tech #1" Gogglinzes made it to the trailer!

Remember when it was a TV mini-series in the late 80's with Richard Chamberlin and Jackie Smith?

But see, now I have four choices to make because I have two endings and two beginnings.  Also, is the "EXPLOSIVE EXTENDED VERSION" available in a WIDESCREEN version?  Matt, I need some help with the math!!!  I'm lost!
Well, I guess I'll just have to find the ORIGINAL THEATRICAL VERSION in WIDESCREEN on Ebay or something.  This will take a while; but rest assured Matty, I will watch it and the other three BOURNE flicks and do my patented RETRO-REVIEWS of each.  Aren't you excited!??!  I know I am!  So stay tuned!

SYNCHRONICITY ASIDE AND A NOTE TO MR. DOUG LIMAN:
Dear Doug, 
How are you?  I am fine.  I'm just realizing that you recently directed Jake G. in the Road House redux.  I had a lot to say about it! Which led to an entire screenplay!  I'll provide a link below and also give you a "FIRST LOOK" at my exciting HEATED RIVALRYesque screenplay HEARTFIGHT, the rights to which are still available (but there is interest (mostly mine)!

​www.christopherfreidy.com/blog/road-house-re-make-blues

That's all I've got right now...
Ciao babies!
Chrissy R.

CFR   2/5/26

MISC.

But it's not really that different because once again I've only seen half of the Best Picture nominees for 2025's pickchas.
I don't know about you; but I need a little break from the madness.  What madness?  Oh, you know.  I don't have to tell you. 
So that's me with my Oscar(TM/Reg./Pat Pend/All Rights Reserved).  I found it in a filing cabinet in the Gloria Swanson building at Paramount; I think it was Mary Hart's office (she left her door ajar.  What can I say, I'm nosey?).  The real question is why did Mary have Katina Paxinou's Oscar?  It was in sad shape; so I "borrowed" it, took it home and polished it up.  I may have forgot to return it.  Ooopsie!
So let's talk Academy Awards, 2026!!!  Here's the Best Pictures that I saw:​

SPOILERS FORTHCOMING!

FRANKENSTEIN
Really liked it.  Gorgeous to look at.  Put me in mind of Coppola's version of Dracula, which is one of my favorite movies.  But all during it I was like: "Frankenstein, again?  For godsakes how many times have we seen this story by now?  How about a live-action version of Frankenstein Jr.?  We haven't seen that before..."*

And btw...we've had this many versions of Frankenstein:

HAMNET
Went in knowing very little about this.  Thought the first part was super heavy...to the point of, like...ah, no thanks.  But totally redeemed itself in the last section about the premiere of the play.  Dealing with trauma through art is always gonna fly with this fellah!

MARTY SUPREME
Okay, this is like my fourth Safdie joint.  The Bros of Saf (fellow alums, yay!) are just so far, not quite my cup of tea.  They really seem to like thoroughly unlikeable people doing unlikeable things running around and screaming at the tops of their lungs.  I did like the one with The Rock and Miss Blunt.  Marty Supreme, though.  I was like: "Why?  Why am I supposed to care about this guy?  He's like an asshole for the entire movie and then I'm supposed to like him when he cries about his baby?  I felt bad for the baby that this man was his father.  I can't say I didn't enjoy the spanking scene.  Kevin O'Leary should come out with a line of spanking paddles and see if he can get the other Sharks to go in on it with him.  I'd buy one!  Also, Gwyn Paltrow's necklace would never have fit down that drain.  That bugged me.  Out of all these choices, I hope this one wins, as it would be a nice feather in the cap of Boston University Film School.  Ms. Paltrow was terrific, as usual and I thought the Production Design nailed the period.

F1
Please see my series of blogs for my thoughts on this picture.  You can start with the following link!

​www.christopherfreidy.com/blog/race-to-rap

Sinners
Please see my series of blogs for my thoughts on this picture.  You can start with the following link!

​www.christopherfreidy.com/blog/the-rocky-road-to-troublin-or-queries-for-mr-coogler

BEST ACTRESS 
I only saw two of these actors in the movies they're nominated for.  Jessie Buckley for Hamnet and Kate Hudson for Song Sung Blue.  Jessie Buckley's performance is the more "actorly" of the two.  Like, wailing over your dead child is probably the most dramatic scenario there is; and man, she pulled out the stops.  I much preferred her quieter moments during the latter part of the movie.  However, I truly loved what Kate Hudson did with her performance in Song Sung Blue; plus, she had to sing.  If there's a Major Award for Screen Chemistry, it should be bestowed on her and Hugh Jackman.  In fact, I thiink Song Sung Blue deserved nominations for Best Picture, Best Actor...the whole shebang.  That movie totally took me by surprise and it really moved me.  Also about the healing power of art. Loved it and Kate!

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Again, I have only seen two of the nominated performances.  Amy Madigan and Wunmi Mosaku, for Weapons and Sinners, respectively.  As for Ms. Mosaku, I had to refresh my memory as to who she played in the movie; but once I did, I nodded in agreement.  The entire cast of that movie was great.  I have to throw my hat in the ring, however, for Ms. Madigan, since A) Her husband is one of my hall passes and B) she's been doing great work for a long time and C) I can't help but admire her audacious choices for the character's look; and that a character I doodled once looks exactly like Aunt Gladys (which I'm sure is a complete coincidence ;) ):

BEST ACTOR
Again, only two of these.  Michael B. Jordan for Sinners and Timothee Chalamet for Marty Supreme.  With this, I have to go with Mr. Jordan, because he actually played two characters (twins) one of whom then turns into a vampire.  That's a lot on one actor's plate!  Also, he started out on an ABC soap; so, we gots to support that! Timmy C. was excellent at playing an unrelenting asshole.  So big an asshole I couldn't have cared less if he won or lost his ping pong battles.  I kept thinking about King Kong going to Hong Kong to play ping-pong with his ding-dong...(Hey!  Now there's a movie idea!!!).  But if they gave an Oscar for ass paddling, I'd have to hand it to him!  Maybe for the sequel they could come up with something to do with this to Marty:

I could think of a few things!  I bet Kevin O'Leary could too (wink,wink)!

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Again, only two.  Delroy Lindo in Sinners and Jacob Elordi in Frankenstein.  My first question is: How did Jacobi Elordi get nominated for Supporting Actor when the movie is named after him?  Oh, wait...then it would've been called Frankenstein's Monster.  Still.  I think this is a case of nominations for reasons other than just the acting.  Delroy has been around a long time and everyone loves him.  Jacob is a newcomer and everyone wants to...err...ah...that is to say...slurp his standing bathwater.  Or would that be sitting?  I can't make a choice here.  Jacob made a wonderful impression under all that make-up and Delroy was better on that TV show he did with Kerry Washington.  I'm just going to go with Delroy in this case.  Age and hotness before youth and beauty.

BEST DIRECTOR AND BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Going with Ryan Coogler here on both.  And deservedly so.  So few actually original stories are brought to the screen that Sinners was something of a miracle; proving something we haven't seen before (Frankenstein) can make boatloads of the long green; which, let's face it, is just as important as the Arts and Sciences part, am I right people?

As for the rest of the catergories I will withhold comment but for a few, as I saw so few of what got nominated.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Since I've only read one of the sourceworks in this category (and that it's also the only one I saw); that would be Frankenstein.  I'd only recently read the novel and was surprised by it's structure and multiple viewpoints.  I think this film version cleaved closely to that and caught the Gothic tone.

PRODUCTION DESIGN
Frankenstein was gloriously overheated and a delight to the eye.  That being said, I think it's much harder to convincingly do a very particular historical period and nail it with real precision; particularly the early part of a decade, which is usually still part of the prior one and the latter part of the current one.  1952 is hard to nail; but I think they nailed it: Marty Supreme, it is.

See you at the Oscars bambinas and Katina-a-reenas!

* Maybe we did see this...The Iron Giant, perhaps?  Still not live action though. (Love that movie!)

So, I'm watching A Closer Look and Seth Meyers was riffing on all the epic weirdness of this whole Nobel Prize bidness and then when he got to the part about who bestows the Nobel Prizes I thought: "...Ha, Ha!  and now he's going to say: '...and not only that, the f**king Nobel Prize is awarded by Sweden!"  HOLD FOR LAUGHTER.  But then he didn't, because I guess it's bestowed by Norway.  I had a sinking feeling in my stomach.  You see, a couple of years ago I was writing about awards and I went on at some length about the Nobel Prize and Sweden.  And when Seth was talking about Norway, I thought: "Oh jeez!  Was I wrong about who gives the Nobel?" and I went running to my keyboard to print a retraction/correction.  But then I looked it up and found with a sigh of relief that I was mostly correct:

I do, as I think most people do (I could be totally wrong), tend to conflate the countries that comprise Scandinavia.  And I'm not exactly sure just which countries are part of it.  But let's find out.  First, however, let's do a fun little test.  I will itemize what I think those countries are and some bullet-points of their culture.  Here goes...

SWEDEN
Ikea
Volvo
Saab
Swedish meatballs
Lingonberries (sp.?)
Midsommar
May poles
fjords
Strindberg
Alfred Nobel
ABBA
Skaarsgaard acting family
Ingmar Bergman
Ingrid Bergman
Hedy Lamarr?
Greta Garbo
Weird grammatical  marks
Massage by large women with blonde braids

NORWAY
Vikings
FJORDS
Ibsen
Cheese
Norwegian Airlines
Thor from Ghosts*
Hedy Lamarr?
Weird grammatical marks

DENMARK
Hans Christian Andersen
The Little Mermaid statue
Butter cookies
The word "DAANSK"
Weird grammatical marks
Copenhagen
Tivoli Gardens
REPTILICUS

This song from Reptilicus:

Great Dane dogs
Source of jokes for Thor from Ghosts
Eddie Redmayne in drag as The Danish Girl, which puts me in mind of his Actnesia during Jupiter Ascending (which I actually saw at the movies, let's take a look!):

Hilarious!
So, just what are those countries that comprise Scandinavia?

So I basically got the core countries right.  But how about...

FINLAND
I have no idea; but I have to assume strange grammatical marks
Oh, and I guess they're the "Happiest Country on Earth"!

Now, as for my other entries above...I'm not gonna check my work.  You can if you feel so inclined.  Thank you and sa lange (strange grammatical marks missing).

*Thor from Ghosts is played by the rather breathtaking (and absolutely charming and funny) actor, Devan Chandler Long(!).  May I suggest to the writing staff of Ghosts that we explore Thor's backstory a little more deeply(!)?  Particularly regarding his infrequent references to those "special nights" on the All-Male Viking ships?  In other words...get that sexy mutha outta his costume already!  He needs a Heated Rivalry with another ghost...maybe a hunky Danish ghost!

Maybe the hunky Danish ghost could be played by whoever this is with Mr. Long...

Works for me!
Ciao!

CFR   1/20/26

Oh, we need to see all of that  in motion, methinks...

I couldn't get the GIF to animate, so here's a link to the scene...which is even gayer than it looks!
www.reddit.com/r/GhostsCBS/comments/1n4exsd/devan_chandler_long_thor_had_a_much_better/

​Slutt (that's Norwegian for "end"(!)

ADDENDUM:
Here is a link to my blog about awards and/or Sweden if you're interested:
www.christopherfreidy.com/blog/awards-season

FURTHER ADDENDUM:
Here is an interview with Mr. Long showcasing his other charms...