SONDRA
What is that?  Is that a movie poster?
CHRIS
Sort of.
SONDRA
Why can't I make out any of the details?
CHRIS
It's printed on red paper for that very reason.
SONDRA
Oh, is that a thing?
CHRIS
Yeah--
SONDRA
What do you want for dessert?  You want to share that chocolate moussey thing?
CHRIS
You mean chocolate "mouse."
SONDRA
Oh, that's a Ruth Gordon reference.  I see what you did there.  But you know, I never expected to win.
CHRIS
Wanna see--
SONDRA
​Roll it!

CHRIS
I loved her in that movie!  "...how much you pay for a chair like thaaaat?"
SONDRA
Yeah, she was great.  She deserved it.
CHRIS
She's a Masshole!
SONDRA
Pardon me?
CHRIS
A Masshole.  It's anyone born in Massachusetts; and more particularly raised.  She's from Quincy.
SONDRA
Oh, birthplace of Dunkin' Donuts...
CHRIS
Well, you do know your donuts!  It seems to me there's like an inordinate amount of actor-slash-entertainers from The  Bay  State.
SONDRA
I would say the same about Tennessee.
CHRIS
I think The Volunteer State should have a name for it's kinfolk, like "Masshole."
SONDRA
Well then, I volunteer: Tennesshitheads.
CHRIS
Oh my god!  I LOVE IT!

CHRIS
You know, Sondra...I don't want to use X anymore to promote my blogs.
SONDRA
X?
CHRIS
Oh, right...it's been a hot minute.  X used to be Twitter--
SONDRA
Oh, right.  Of course.  That strange car mogul owns it or something.
CHRIS
Oh, you know about current events?
SONDRA
Well, unlike many of your other non-corporeal pals, I keep up with things.  And I was here until fairly recently.
CHRIS
It's built into my blog; and hey, I didn't turn it into "X"!  I like to think of it as that political thing where you like suck off the body politic, like a flea or tick.  Or flick or tea, for that matter.  Or Art Buchwald.
SONDRA
Well as my Granny might've said: "I don't want no truck with no Nazis." So, tell me more about that fuzzy poster.  What movie is it for?
CHRIS
Uuuuuuuhhhhhhhhmmmmmm...oh look, here comes the dessert!

SONDRA
That was yummy.  Now tell me about this movie you're saying was inspired by you.
CHRIS
Did you read my hypothetical blogs about it?  
SONDRA
Oh, you mean those completely rhetorical, fictional, any similarities between any persons living and/or dead is entirely coincidental, satirical, fair use, for comedic purposes only, non-libelous entries about the movie--
CHRIS
Ahora by auteur filmmaker Stan Fraker?  
SONDRA
Yes, those.  Why everyone over the rainbow bridge is talking about them.  Now, Ahora is about a whore, I take it?
CHRIS
She has sex for money; so yeah, I guess she's a whore.
SONDRA
I love whores!  I played at least one in the movies!
CHRIS
I love 'em too!  I almost played one in real life.  Twice!
SONDRA
And yes, I read those indubitably speculative, suppositionally conjecurative, entirely fantastical, completely imaginary, utterly confabulated, never happened comparisons.  Intriguing!
CHRIS
I've got just one more.
SONDRA
Oh, wait a second...can I wear a costume for this?
CHRIS
Sure.  What?
SONDRA
Like a high-powered-lady-lawyer-skirt-suit with a super-cinched waist?
CHRIS
Go for it baby bear!
SONDRA
I'll be right back...

SONDRA
Ta-dah!  What do you think?
CHRIS
I love it.  So en pointe!
SONDRA
I feel like a cordial.  Want one?
CHRIS
I'll still have what your having.
SONDRA
(Snaps fingers, WAITER appears)  Charles, we'll have two yellow chartreuses, straight--
CHARLES
Chilled, ma'am?
SONDRA
Oh, you remembered!  Yes!

SONDRA
Okay, so what is this last, absolutely imagined, satirically fair use comparison?
CHRIS
You've read my blogs?
SONDRA
Every one!  Except maybe the super gay ones.
CHRIS
Really?  I would've thought...
SONDRA
Honey, I lived it--
CHRIS
Speaking of which; and just an aside here: what was going on with Clint and Geoffrey Lewis?
SONDRA
What do you mean?
CHRIS
Mr. Lewis used to make my pee-pee tingle.  Still does.
SONDRA
Excuse me?
CHRIS
You know: make my Gaydar go into the red.
SONDRA
Are you speaking of Clint's frequent co-star and body-building companion; the three times married Mr. Geoffrey Lewis?

CHRIS
That would be him.
SONDRA
What about him?
CHRIS
I'm sure I'm not the only person whose pee-pee he made tingle...
SONDRA
They had a lot in common.  Particularly muscles.  They both love bulging pecs, jacked guns and super-firm glutes. (SMILES).  And of course, the acting thing.  Now let's get back to the picture about the whore.
CHRIS
Right.  So, I just wanted to mention one last entirely notional, completely fantasmagorical ideation I noticed between Ahora and something from the, well, I guess you could call it an online "class" I put together for HEARTFIGHT.​
SONDRA
Right.  That stuff is all time-stamped and laid out chronologically.  So I guess you have all "the receipts" as the kids say nowadays.
CHRIS
Let's hope so.  So, the last scene of Ahora has our heroine getting busy in the front seat of a car with the Best Supporting Actor nominee; straddling him facing forward as he sits in the drivers seat.  Then: FADE TO BLACK / THE END / ROLL CREDITS.  It was an ending so emphatically ambiguous it's already become sort of iconic.
SONDRA
Yes,  I watched it on the plane.  It also had some pretty raw love scenes.
CHRIS
Yes, which I loved.  It's like, yeah...people fuck...stop panning the camera over to the billowing curtains.
SONDRA
Here, here!  Hear hear? So what's the completely nebulous, imaginary, fair-use, satirical connection?
CHRIS
I find it intriguing that I posted these "notes" in my "class":
Let's talk about love scenes set inside motor vehicles!
It's a grand tradition of the cinema...getting busy in cars.  However, at least in mainstream movies, it's been almost the sole domain of heterosexual, shall we say, couplings.  At least one of my favorite movie scenes is the taxi scene from Dressed To Kill where Angie Dickinson is seduced by a tall, handsome stranger.  Actually, it's really part of a sequence (I can't find the entire clip online): the museum "cruising."  The taxi seduction.  And the "getting dressed" scene.  The "getting dressed" scene is one of my all time favorite movie scenes, period.  It just after her afternoon tryst and Angie gets out of bed in the pick-up's apartment and wanders around, finding her clothes and putting them on.  There's no dialogue; but for me, it really captures all the feelings of what it's like to have a random tryst.  I can't find that one either...but here's the beginning of the taxi scene:
The scene is both erotic and silly.  Her orgasmic cry at the end makes me laugh out loud every time I watch it?  Why?
Well, I recently found this out...it's not Angie Dickinson's voice but Rutanya Alda's.  The human eye and ear really sense things on deeper levels...which is why it always seemed slightly off to me.  Knowing that it's Carol Ann from Mommie Dearest makes it all the funnier.  
There's a scene in Carnal Intentions, a 2001 gay porn spoof of Cruel Intentions, in the back of limo with two men getting it on.  I can't post it here, of course--it is pornography--but I think it's as equally erotic as it is pornographic.  So, with our second love scene between our two leads, I wanted to up the game a little...a little more graphic (but not too)...a little more sensuous...but also kind of fun and maybe a little campy.  So, here's my idea:  Kelly, Cupe and Sean have sabotaged Paddy's car.  Cupe has Lathewaite, the Shannon's chauffeur, come in the Rolls Royce to pick up Paddy.  Of course, Henry is already in the car and Lathewaite, who's in on the plot, does everything he can to  make his two passengers "comfy."  Playing over this will be the Habanera from Bizet's Carmen.  We all know this song.  It's part of the fabric of modern civilization.  But do we all know what it's about?  I know I didn't when it popped into my head to play over this scene.  First of all, it's not in Italian; but French, the language of LOVE, n'est-ce-Pas?  And it's literally a song about LOVE.  Love as "a rebellious bird" that flies away when you want to catch it and lands on you when you don't.  It's about love and flying and quiet men...I mean, it could've been written specifically for this story.  Here is the famous aria with the words in both the French and in English:

SONDRA
Was Carmen playing over the scene in Ahora?
CHRIS
No, it wasn't.  But I did include the following video clip; which again, I find super-duper interesting:

SONDRA
As a director, I have to say that is pretty incredible; but it's so synthetic and stylized it kind of drains out any real passion.
CHRIS
I agree.  And speaking of directing...let's talk Ratboy...
SONDRA
Must we?
CHRIS
​I'm really curious about it.

SONDRA
What is there to say?  It was a disaster.
CHRIS
Back in the mid 80's, this sort of went directly to cable where it went into heavy rotation.  We didn't have cable at the time, but I had a friend who did.  And I recall looking through their cable listings guide and there was a brief synopsis and a super-serious still from the movie.  I assumed it was drama.  But looking at that clip, it seems as though it's more of a comedy.  Perhaps unintentional; but still, a comedy.
SONDRA
It was meant to be satirical and allegorical.  I discovered that's really hard to pull off.
CHRIS
You had like unprecedented carte blanche to make a major motion picture.  Why that one?
SONDRA
I had a modest budget; around nine million adjusted.  It seemed doable.  And different.
CHRIS
My only baseline retro-advice is that you shouldn't have starred in it.  One, it distracts from the directing and B) it can only scream "vanity project."
SONDRA
Well, I suppose it was.  It has it's fans...(LAUGHS)...in France.  Now I can't stay all night.  Let's call this a wrap, as they say in the biz.  What's this about the red poster?
CHRIS
So, Hollywood and it's denizens, who all claim no one ever furtums material from anyone else; often prints scripts on red pages.
SONDRA
I don't recall that...
CHRIS
Yeah,  It's so a script can't be copied and leaked.  The red obscures what's on the page, for whatever reason.
SONDRA
And?
CHRIS
Well, the point is, is that if everyone in The Biz was so honest as they're always trumpeting; there would be no need for red script pages.  Here's Chris Nolan, saying it's done for every reason other than...furtuming:

SONDRA
Such a gentleman.
CHRIS
British discretion.
SONDRA
He's kind of sexy.
CHRIS
I know, right?  Look at those mitts he's got on 'em.  A Leo, like Mr. Lewis.
SONDRA
This is perhaps the third time you've mentioned the zodiac.  Are you into astrology?
CHRIS
No.
SONDRA
Could've fooled me.
CHRIS
Well, I should say, I find the personality trait element of it, pretty uncanny.
SONDRA
What's Gemini all about?
CHRIS
Well, in my experience; that is, my mother, her sister, my sister-in-law, and my two brothers are all Geminis.  Their symbol is the twins.  To me, that says "duality."  And in my experience it was a kind of bi-polar personality.
SONDRA
Go on...
CHRIS
The "good twin," "bad twin" trope has been around probably since Romulus and Remus.  Certainly since General Hospital.  I think that's because it's kind of true.  Like, I think with you and Clint, there were actually four personalities at work.  So when it was good, it was good.  And when it got bad, it got Hellacious.
SONDRA
I won't disagree.
CHRIS
As far as furtuming in entertainment: this is how I see it.  It seems there are two camps.  For example, you'll see all kinds of stuff out there from fellow creatives, particularly writers and their attitude seems to be: "Nobody out there is stealing your work.  Nobody needs to steal your work.  There are plenty of people out there more talented than you; why would they need to?  You sure think a lot of yourself to think that established people are stealing from you.  So, go fuck off loser."  And if this is true, then why do all these established entities have phallanxes-sez of lawyers standing back and standing by?  If everyone's so honest, why do they need all that protection?  Which brings us back to Art Buchwald.
SONDRA
It does?
CHRIS
Yes.  He had a strong case.  He won his argument, pretty much.  But there were those in the establishment who disparaged him for even daring to use the very methods put in place that they protect themselves with.  Here's what John Landis had to say:

CHRIS
But then Landis had absolutely no problem suing Michael Jackson over profits from writing and directing the Thriller video.  Which begs the question...which part of it was "written"?
SONDRA
Hooray for Hollywood.
CHRIS
It's probably a good thing your trials weren't televised...
SONDRA
Why?
CHRIS
I think you would've lost.
SONDRA
Why?
CHRIS
Because I think people would've thought they wanted to see you next Tuesday.
SONDRA
Excuse me?
CHRIS
How can I put this?  You're very reserved and a bit introverted.  That can come across as being aloof. I think the spectators would've only seen your bad twin.
SONDRA
Fair enough.  And speaking of trials...are you going to pursue what you've been discussing here in any sort of litigational way?
CHRIS
Ahhhhh....
SONDRA
I thought we were going to face our fears...
CHRIS
Well, I don't have bags of cash lying around to pursue lawsuits.
SONDRA
Neither did I.
CHRIS
Really?  Come on Sondra...what about Clint's money?
SONDRA
(LAUGHS) I thought we were leaving personalities out of this.
CHRIS
Toosh.  Well, I know what's gonna happen.  I'll contact a coalition of lawyers who are supposed to help poor artists in these kinds of straits; they'll hook me up with a freebie consultation with a law firm.  The law firm will tell me A) These cases are nearly impossible to win, i.e.: a waste of time; or 2) You may have a case.  Please fork over seventy thousandd dollars for a retainer.
SONDRA
Well, you've got to spend a little money to make a little money.
CHRIS
More like, break even.  And then all you're left with is more than likely membership on some blacklist because you're now seen as a litigious nuisance.  And for me, this isn't about making a quick buck.  It's about being credited for my work; and I'm sure you know that's as good as money in The Biz.
SONDRA
Sure.  If you're work is good.  And makes money.  Well, why don't you post links for your readers; some of whom may be going through similar issues.
CHRIS
Sure.  Here you go: 
www.calawyersforthearts.org

​waladc.org

​vlany.org

​artsandbusinesscouncil.org/vla/

SONDRA
You know, I'm probably not one who should say this; but all your current President seems to do is file lawsuits.  And play golf.  Kinda makes you miss Reagan.
CHRIS
That would be hilarious if it weren't pathetic.
SONDRA
Have we reached a point in this country where we can't live honestly without having to sue?  Or counter-sue?
CHRIS
Well, we claim to hate lawyers and yet:

SONDRA
Now that's a lotta lawyers!  Perhaps some kindly Lawyer for the Arts will read these blogs and take on your case pro-bono.  Maybe someone like that nice Raymond Burr.  Now he always gave me lady tingles!
CHRIS
He was gay.
SONDRA
Are you sure of that?
CHRIS
I'm not really too sure about anything nowadays Sandy--oh, I mean--
SONDRA
No,  It's fine.  You can call me that.  Well, here's my car...
CHRIS
Thanks for dinner.
SONDRA
My pleasure.  Don't take any wooden nickels!  CIAO!
Sondra air-kisses Chris, climbs into her white limo and disappears into the night.  Chris walks deeper into Burbank.
CHRIS
Come to think of it...Perry Mason kind of gives me tingles too!  Such kind eyes...
He WHISTLES the Perry Mason theme as he walks down the sidewalk.

That's Elvis' profile juxtaposed with that of The Statue of Liberty.  Uncanny, isn't it?  Two American icons.  I was reading a story to my husband the other night.  Well, it wasn't a 'story."  It actually happened.  I was reading about the 1986 restoration of the Statue of Liberty and it was recounting the original dedication ceremony in 1886.  When it got to the part describing Bartholdi, in the crown, unveiling her face which had been covered with the French tricolor, I started to get choked up.  I had to stop reading.  I had to ask myself why I was getting so emotional.  Am I more of a patriot than I realize?  Well, one thing I do know; I have loved that statue since childhood.  I have come to love Elvis in certain ways; although I am certainly not a superfan.  There's a sound bite of Elvis laughing at something and the first time I heard it I came to think of him in a different way.  I think he started laughing because a man in the front row lost his toupee or something. Let's listen!

And "Blue Christmas" is definitely one of my top five fav Christmas songs!
What are some other "icons" that are truly American.? I mean, things you see and you immediately think of the The Good Ole U.S. of A?  Here's a photogrid of some of my picks.  My pic, picks, if you will:

And if this is the trophy that sort of represents it all for the All American Male...

Then this is the trophy that sort of represents it all for the All American Gay Male...

However, the Lombardi Trophy is made by Tiffany and Co. which, if you ask me, seems pretty gay as well.  And question: are we supposed to like put a TM or Reg. Mark after the name Oscar and/or The Academy Award?  Because it seemed like for a long time you saw that all the time and it started to get like, super-redick.  So, just for the record, I am not doing that...
Because in this blog I am going to be discussing our little/BIG friend "Oscar" and the organization for which he works.  Now, I've thought about the, shall we say, constructive nature of writing about what I am going to be writing about here.  That is; will this be in anybody's best interests to examine here.  Or any kind of interests, really?  Because I think we all know what I'm going to be writing about; and even I'm not sure I want to write about it.  I mean, I've already written a lot about this.  And specifically about "this" in three recent blogs under the umbrella: TOUGH LOVE IN NEW CANAAN.  Perhaps you've read them.  Perhaps you haven't.  They did meander somewhat.  So, I want to put it all here in one continuous blog and then put it all away.  If I can.  Because I'm not sure how this might play out.  Okay, so here's my first question.  What does this mean?

Okay, I'm gonna be SERIOUS here.  SERIOUSLY, SERIOUS.  SUPER-DUPER SERIOUS.  That is; as much as my character will allow.  My personality.  For I find it hard not to bring a certain levity into even the most dry of undertakings.  And I'm certainly not a lawyer; but we will be talking about legal matters.  So, that being said; I've invited a Hollywood colleague to help me.  Help us.  Heaven, if you will, to help us.  Ladies and Gentlepeople...
​MISS SONDRA LOCKE!

SONDRA LOCKE
Thank you.  And I just have to ask; why am I here?
CHRIS
Well, as my former co-worker, I thought I would take the liberty of having you guide me and my audience through the finer points of Amercian Litigation.
SONDRA
You have an audience?
CHRIS
Yes.
SONDRA
Could've fooled me.
CHRIS
Well, the Weebly metrics assure me that I do.
SONDRA
Is that like the Metric System?  I brought a clip.

CHRIS
That was groovy Sondra; but I thought it was a bit light on the hard info
SONDRA
That's not my problem.  And I just have to ask again; how are we co-workers?
CHRIS
Well, a long time ago in a LaLaWood far, far away; you were a client of an agency and I was the receptionist--
SONDRA
Yeah?  So?
CHRIS
I consider it having been a kind of working relationship.
SONDRA
So we've met before?
CHRIS 
Yes, several times.  In the early 90's.  So, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?  I mean, for those who don't know who you are.
SONDRA
Well, sadly, I'm probably best remembered as Clint Eastwood's girlfriend.  And then decidedly not.  But I'd really rather not talk about my past...
CHRIS
Okay, well...if you won't, I will; because not only were we co-workers; in a strange way we're kind of family.
SONDRA
Do tell.
CHRIS
Well, you're from Tennessee.
SONDRA
I am.  Shelbyville.

CHRIS
Well, my father-in-law grew up in Shelbyville and attended Shelbyville Central High School where you were a grade behind him.  And his mother and your mother, from my understanding, were good friends.
SONDRA
What was her name?
CHRIS
Granny Butts...what...you're not gonna crack a joke?
SONDRA
I'm from there.  There's a town called Soddy-Daisy...so...
CHRIS
Anyways...you were born there.  Grew up there.  Went to school there.  In the summer of 1967, a budding actress, you auditioned for a role in the screen version of The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter and beat out 600 or so other women to get the part, for which you were nominated for an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress in 1968.

CHRIS
You had a lot of career ups and downs for a while, and then, in 1975 you took a role in The Outlaw Josey Wales as Clint Eastwood's leading lady and then, as the say, the rest is history.  Now, I would show the trailer; but you're barely in it.  But let's jump ahead a couple of years and I'll tell you when you first hit my radar.
SONDRA
Fine.  Just so you know, I'm not going to be offering a lot of commentary here.  Think of this more as a Q and A.
CHRIS
Sure.  So, a couple of years later you did a film with Clint called The Gauntlet.  I didn't see it at the time.  Still haven't.  But for whatever reason I vividly recall staring at the poster for the film in the lobby of the Saugus Cinema when it was out.

SONDRA
That's something else.
CHRIS
Isn't it?  I remember staring and staring at it; wondering what on Earth might have led to that scenario.  I had no idea who you were, but I sure was curious.  Shall we look at that trailer?
SONDRA
​If we must.

CHRIS
I have a feeling that image on the poster sort of sums up your relationship with Clint.
SONDRA
I played a prostitute in the movie.
CHRIS
There seems to have been, and I'm going to be frank here, a real Madonna/Whore complex happening.  Now, the first film I recall seeing you in, where your persona and performance captured me, was Bronco Billy.
SONDRA
That was a good one.
CHRIS
I agree.  You had a habit of doing real hard-bitten, frosty ice-queens for him.  Zero humor required. In that one, you seemed to be having some fun once you put on the cowgirl outfit. Up to that point in the film, I kinda wanted to see you next Thursday. Know what I mean?  Would you like to see--
SONDRA 
​Roll it.

CHRIS
And then you directed--
SONDRA
Before we talk more about me; let's talk about you.  What sort of interaction did we have?  I presume you're referring to Robinson, Weintraub and Gross if it was the early 90's.
CHRIS
Yes.  I think Bernie Weintraub was your agent.  Well, mostly I talked to you on the phone.  I would say, "Robinson, Weintraub and Gross; how may I help you?"  And you'd say: "Bernie Weintraub please."  And I'd say, "Who may I ask is calling?"  And you'd say "Sondra Locke."
SONDRA
How did I say it?
CHRIS
Well, I'm not going to say pretentiously.  Or portentously, even.  But you did kinda drop your voice a half octave and sort of elongate the syllables.
SONDRA
Well, I am an actress.
CHRIS
Yeah, I sorta chalked it up to that at the time.  And you weren't exactly, shall we say, chatty; which is kind of odd for a Gemini.
SONDRA
Clint is a Gemini too.
CHRIS
Oh Sandy baby, I know all about Geminis.
SONDRA
Please don't call me that.  Did we ever meet in person?
CHRIS
Several times.  You came in to see the Bernmeister and I sat you down in the waiting area and offered you a beverage as you raised one of the trades to sort of hide behind.
SONDRA
What beverage did I ask for?
CHRIS
Oh, probably Perrier or something.  It was still the go to sparkling water in '92!

SONDRA
Was that Orson Welles narrating; speaking of directing...?
CHRIS
Pretty sure.  And don't you love how the Winchell's donut commercial comes on right after?
SONDRA
Now that I don't have to worry about watching my weight; I eat donuts all the time!
CHRIS
Really?
SONDRA
Yes.  I always preferred Mister Donut.
CHRIS
Me too!  There was one right near my first LaLaWood apartment in Burbank, just a stone's throw from Warners!  Remember the jingle?
SONDRA
Sort of...
CHRIS
Sing it with me, pleeeeeeeeeeze?!!?
SONDRA
Well, all right...
​SINGALONG ENSUES:

SONDRA
Let's get back to that certificate you showed us earlier.  Why?  I mean, I can see that it's from the Writer's Guild.  Are you a member?
CHRIS
No.  I'm not.
SONDRA
What then, is the implication of that doucument?
CHRIS
Well, it means I registered my script with the Writer's Guild of America (West) and a copy of it is in their files and it's good 'til August of 2028!
SONDRA
Good for what?  I mean, I know I should know all this but it's been a "hot minute," since I've dealt with legal documents; in particular ones related to the entertainment industry.
CHRIS
Hmmmmm.  What is it good for?  And is it a "legal" document?  I guess it proves that I'm the author of that particular screenplay and they'll keep it on file until 2028.
SONDRA
What happens then?
CHRIS
I guess I'll renew it; if the world is still here.
SONDRA
Do you think it won't be?
CHRIS
I'm a wildly optimistic person Sondra; but you know...
SONDRA
All right.  So, what's it good for now?
CHRIS
I guess it's supposed to somehow protect me from...something?  Legally. It better.  That thing cost me twenty-five bucks!
SONDRA
So, you don't have to be in the Guild to register a script?
CHRIS
Yes. Correct.
SONDRA
So any Tom, Dick or Dirty Harry or Crazy Mary can register their script with the WGA, even if they're not in the Guild?
CHRIS
Yes.  For twenty-five U.S. dollars a pop.
SONDRA
I would imagine there are thousands of screenwriting hopefuls registering their scripts there.  I bet those fees add up.
CHRIS
Yeah.  Good point Sandy--err--Sondra.
SONDRA
How do you become a member of the Guild?
CHRIS
You have to acquire "24 Units" with a Guild signatory entity.  It's all on their website.  Basically, you have to get work as a screenwriter or whatever and then you can join; but of course, no one will look at an "unsolicited" screenplay...so, it's your basic Catch-22.
SONDRA
So the certificate is about as useful as the paper it's printed on; I suppose, that is, as far as using it as some kind of proof that you had an idea first, if you were going to take some kind of action against someone you felt had the idea, shall we say, second...or third?
CHRIS
Sounds about right.
SONDRA
And you brought me into this because you know that I had a highly publicized legal battle with not only Warner Brothers; but Clint; who was, at the time, more or less the defacto King of Warners; if not Hollywood itself.
CHRIS
I'm not gonna say he still isn't.
SONDRA
He's ninety-four.  Ninety-five next month!  Surely they've put him out to pasture by now?
CHRIS
Sondra!  That's kind of harsh...
SONDRA
Is it?  It's Hollywood.  But then, he is a MAN, I suppose.
CHRIS
I see your point Sondra; but you know, I hate Ageism; and that Mr. Eastwood has sort of defied it, is kinda great.
SONDRA
Whatever.  I'm famished.  Would you like to go to The Smokehouse for a bite?
CHRIS
Sure!  I love that place!
SONDRA
​Then let's go...

SONDRA
That was pretty transition music.  
CHRIS
Yeah...hey isn't Clint like a skilled pianist and like, composer?
SONDRA
Yes.  The fucker can do anything.
CHRIS
Let's have a listen...

CHRIS
Tom Hanks bonus!
SONDRA 
I loved this place.  Everyone from Warner's would come over here.  This was mine and Clint's booth.
CHRIS
Oh, do you want to sit--
SONDRA
No.  This is fine.  I brought a clip.  You might want to fast forward a few minutes; she's easily distracted.

CHRIS
The struggle is real!  You know, I loved the Copper Penny which was about a half mile east of here.  But Warner's tore it down to put up some generic office building.  I mean, really. Come on! They could've worked around it.  Oh, have you ever been to Emon, which is even a little further up?  I loved that place!  
SONDRA
No, I haven't.
CHRIS
​The Spicy Chicken Teriyaki was the best! I brought a clip!

SONDRA
It seems we haven't gotten to the...spicy beef teriyaki...of all this.  Tell me more about wanting my advice on legal matters.
CHRIS
Okay.  So.  Have you ever heard of Art Buchwald?

SONDRA
Wait a minute.  Before we get into that.  I was just thinking that when we "knew" each other; when I would be coming in to see Bernie Weintraub, it was during the time I was pointedly not getting work due to the, unbeknownst to me at the time; fake production deal with--
CHRIS
Let's leave the personalities out of this, shall we?  But yes.  It was smack dab in the middle of all that.  Your first trial in that regard was in June of 1995.  Now I'm thinking that your nearly catatonic state when I knew you makes perfect sense.  And for the record, I don't think Bernie Weintraub was "in on it."
SONDRA
Neither do I.  He was a sweetheart.
CHRIS
Yeah.  He wore Kouros cologne, which can be a lot.  Other than that; he was a real mensch.
SONDRA
But yes, I know who Art Buchwald is.  Why do you bring him up.
CHRIS
Well, when I was mulling over things; I was trying to think of a high profile case of a writer suing over IP--you know, I dislike the word "theft."  Let's come up with something else.
SONDRA
How about Latin?
CHRIS
My phone is telling me the Latin word is furtum.  I like that.  Let's use that.  So, I recalled the whole Coming To America case, where Buchwald sued Paramount for furtuming his idea for the concept.
SONDRA
I'm sorry to interrupt but is Buchwald actually standing in The Reflecting Pool in that photograph?
CHRIS
You know, I have wondered about that since I was kid and I first saw that photo.  Let's see what my phone says...

CHRIS
I mean, if it's thirty inches deep in the middle and he was five feet eight inches; that seems about right.
SONDRA
You couldn't pay me to go in that water.  I mean you don't know where that water's been.
CHRIS
I bet Clint would surf in it if he could.
SONDRA
I thought we were leaving personalities out of this.
CHRIS
Toosh.  So, let's get on the same page about Mr. Buchwald.  And can I just say if I'd known him in 1942 and was in the Marines with him I would be bending over backwards to be bending over forwards for him?
SONDRA
I suppose you can say that.  But I think the real question is, just who wants to hear it?
CHRIS 
​He was  a hottie!

CHRIS
So, there are whole books on the subject of Buchwald V. Paramount.  The upshot is that he settled even though he had a really strong case.  I suppose it was getting very expensive for him to continue and that the settlement proved some kind of point.  No one ever seems to take these cases to the very end, which is what I suppose the people holding all the cards rely on.  And there's a quote in this clip: "...well, I don't like to label myself; I'm against whoever's in power."  That probably sums it up right there.

WAITER
Good evening Miss Locke.  Welcome back!
SONDRA
Good evening, nice to see you again.  We'll have the New York steak, for two, medium.  The house salad and oh, something Southern to start...how about the fried pickles?
CHRIS
Sure.
WAITER
Very good.
CHRIS
I've never had someone just order for me like that; let alone a lady--well, besides my mother when I was a kid--it's so...butch?
SONDRA
If I'm paying, I'm ordering.  Now tell me: do you really find Mr. Buchwald attractive?
CHRIS
Yeah.  I mean when he was young.  He got a little inadvertantly sweaty when he got older.  Clint was kind of pretty when he was younger.

CHRIS
Okay.  So, like, Sondra...can I just address the elephant in the room?
SONDRA
I don't see an elephant.
CHRIS
Right.  How about the sperm whale in my head?
SONDRA
Address away.
CHRIS
I just gotta ask.  What was going on?
SONDRA
Going on where?
CHRIS
Where to start?  You were married to an openly gay man who styled your clothes and did your hair and make-up that you never consummated your marriage with and then started dating Clint while you were still married to the gay guy.

SONDRA
It was Hollywood.  In the 70's.  It was complicated.
CHRIS
You married Gordon before you got to Hollywood!  
SONDRA
I was ahead of my time, what can I say?
CHRIS
Actually, I gotta say; your Oscar dress could be worn today and look amazeballs!  The Golden Globes look, not so much.
SONDRA
I agree.  (Laughs)  I look like a Southern Fried Pickle!
CHRIS
And there are some pictures of Clint that really kind of make me go: Hmmmmmm.

SONDRA
​Show me...
CHRIS
​Okay, how 'bout these?

SONDRA
Standard issue publicity stills.  They were always dragging male contract players down to the gym.
CHRIS
Clint's armpit hair looks awfully well groomed, particularly for the late 50's.
SONDRA
The studio again.  If they could trim or wax or pluck something, they would.
CHRIS
A toy, toy dog?
SONDRA
He loves animals.
CHRIS
Straight men don't do cats, I'm sorry.
SONDRA
He loved pussies.
CHRIS
​How about this?

SONDRA
He also loved really big shooters.  The biggest of the big.  Ones that could blast huge payloads for rounds at a time. (SMILES).  Oh, here come the pickles.  Clint loved those too. (SMILES).
CHRIS
And then you were on the girl's basket-ball team in high school.
SONDRA
So?
CHRIS
Not really somthing a lot of Southern ladies would do, particularly back then, n'est-ce pas?

SONDRA
What can I say?  I was ahead of my time.
CHRIS
Why do you look like fifteen years older in 1959?
SONDRA
The hair and make-up made us all look middle-aged.  Here's a headshot from '69 or so:

CHRIS
Was that your very first headshot?
SONDRA
You know, I don't think I even had any at the start.  That might be a studio publicity still.
CHRIS
Wanna see my first head shots?
SONDRA
All right.

CHRIS
Some of them are doubles...
SONDRA
I think I like the middle row, first on the left.
CHRIS
Thanks.  I never used them for anything.
SONDRA
Why not?
CHRIS
My acting ambitions were stultified for a variety of reasons.  Fear, I suppose, being one of them.
SONDRA
Fear...oh, what is the word?  Sucks.  Yes, that's it.  So, are we going to talk about more of your fears?
CHRIS
Yes.  I've got to face them Sondra!  And I fear we're going to have to go into another blog...
SONDRA
Well, that will work out.  Because here comes dinner.  See; everything happens for a reason.  Oh, look, there's Phyllis Diller!

I sometimes have to wonder (...and just like that; I couldn't help but wonder...); perhaps ask myself, if there's something wrong with me.  
"Why do you ask that, Chris?  Why do you wonder that?" you might ask and wonder.  Well, here's an example.  In 1977, when I was eleven years-old, I saw a commercial for this toy and I wanted it:

Why?  Why did I want this?  Was I that curious about "pretend milk"?
l do, however, remember at the time being very intriguied by the concept of "pretend milk."  Like, I recall thinking: "Gee, pretend milk...I wonder what it tastes like?"  or  "If the pills that make the milk aren't made out of powdered milk, what are they made of?" "What does it taste like?"  "Are you supposed to drink it?"  "Can you drink it?" "Are the kids going to drink the milk, later, after refrigerating it?"  "Can pretend milk go sour?" "Why do those kids have Brooklyn accents?" "How does Milky know when she's ready to be milked?"  I mean, I had a lot of questions about Milky!  And here's one I had that I think prevented me from actually acquiring a Milky the Marvelous Milking Cow; because if I'd asked for one for my birthday or Christmas, there is no doubt I would've received her.  And the question was: "Am I too old for Milky?"
As you can see, the kids in the commercial are like seven or eight.  I was pushing twelve in 1977.  As much as I wanted her, I decided not to ask.  I was at the age where it was "time for putting away toys."  I feared odd looks from my parents and the embarrassment that wanting, asking for and receiving a Milky might cause.  So I let Milky go.  
Then, a year later; some toys were marketed by Mattel that spoke to my still-not-completely-tamped-down-inner-child. The Shogun Warriors:

Now, since as long as I can remember, I have been a fan of Japanese Kaiju.  Of course, back in the 70's we didn't call it that.  We didn't even call them "Japanese Monster Movies."  We used the catchall phrase: Godzilla Movies.  Even if the movie didn't feature Godzilla.  Say, it was Rodan or Mothra or Ghidra (one of my favorites!).  So, by 1978 when I was like thirteenish, I was probably definitely too old for toys; but I was so taken by the Shogun Warriors, I did, in fact, ask for one.  And I got.  And I also got what I perceived were sidelong looks from my mom.  I mean, there wasn't much to do with one.  I didn't want to play with it, so much as look at it; because looking back; I can see now that they appealed to my aesthetics.  But I didn't quite have the words yet to put those more conceptual ideas into expression.  I also couldn't decide which one I liked the best; and so kept returning to the store to exchange one model for another.  This did incur "looks"; probably ones more of exasperation on her part.  But then the embarrassment kicked back in and I put the kibosh on the whole thing.  When "The Great Mazinga" went back to Child World, he stayed.  Today, those toys are highly coveted by collectors.  Even Milky, because she is considered one of the weridest toys ever marketed.  More on Milky later. And perhaps the Shogun Warriors as well.
So, by 1979, I was fourteenish and their was no question toys were officially "off the table."  Well, of the dollish variety. That year, Kenner (a company that seemed to have an executive branch that was dropping shrooms on a regular basis) released what has to be one of the strangest movie tie-in toys, ever.  The Alien from ALIEN.

I do recall seeing this in stores and regarded it as more of a curiosity.  At 14, I no longer had an interest in toys.  I hadn't seen the movie and my serious interest in CINEMA hadn't taken off yet.  Of course now, as a huge fan of that movie, one of the first things I would do with a time machine is go back to 1979, go see ALIEN in NYC on opening night, try to get in to Studio 54 and go to Toys 'R' Us and buy a bunch of these and never take them out of their box.
Kenner had several toys in the "Alien" line, if you can believe it.  I mean, it was an R rated movie, in 1979, when there was still some kind of mass adherence to the MPAA rating system.  In other words: the kids to whom the ALIEN toys were being marketed more than likely hadn't seen the movie.  So, I suppose that's why the geniuses at Kenner came up with this:

And genius upon genius, they made it so you could watch the movie in the toy store!  Because Mom and/or Dad probably weren't going to drop the moolah for this one off toy. And certainly not take you to see the movie. And here's what you would've seen through that viewer:

When you start thinking of the logistics that went into the Kenner Movie Viewer it's kind of mind boggling.  Like, just the photographic elements.  Who edited the Kenner cut of ALIEN?  Ridley Scott?  And that in itself is amazing.  A two hour movie distilled down to one minute.  Of course, they left out all the splatter; but it's still pretty amazing.  How were prints struck for the mass produced toy?  Did the actors have to sign off on the rights to use their likenesses?  Who thought an attempt at kiddifying ALIEN was a good idea?  Was there a Kenner, 20th Century Fox connection?  I mean, they did have a huge success with the Star Wars toys. And come to think of it; like the only other cartridge for the player was Star Wars...Curiouser and curiouser!  And don't you love how in the O.G. commercial for the Alien toy they sort of gloss over that the Alien creature wants to either A) Kill you as an existential threat B) Eat you?  I mean, just what do they eat? C) Cocoon you for a parasitic larva/human host relationship from which you more than likely won't recover.  Wholesome playtime fun!  And speaking of wholesome playtime fun...
Let all visit HUGO!

If you read my blogs, you know that Hugo and I are friends, near and dear (please see my blog: SUEPLICITY! for further information).
Hugo was another boffo idea from Kenner; and along with Milky, is considered one of the strangest toys ever produced.  Which is why I really feel I need to bring Hugo and Milky together for reasons which I feel are in no need of further explanation.  And Milky Cows are available on line, for, all things considered, reasonable prices.  Now, I'm sure a Milky, in box, never opened would command stratospheric prices.  And even if I were willing to pay them, she does have rubber parts.  And organic (we hope) parts; in the form of those "milk tablets."  But just what might be the shelf-life of a "pretend milk tablet"? A pretend milk tablet from an unopened Milky box could only be as young as say, 1978--that is, if Milky made it past 1977.  So any extant "pretend milk tablets" would be about 46 years old.  Would that be a risk that anyone was willing to take?  Her rubber udder is subject to drying out and cracking, I would think; because it seems that a lot of the Milky's I've seen don't have one:

Milky's white plastic also seems to be prone to yellowing; the above example being an exception, it seems.  But there's no way, I think, to determine if Milky functions as designed, that is, drinking water from her smokey, amber trough; raising her head and mooing.  And if she could and didn't have an udder, would the water just drip out?  So, so many Milky questions!  Speaking of smokey amber plastic...how 1977 is that?  That stuff (smokey glass) was everywhere in the Me Decade.

I actually found her trough, as well:

However, I have a kind of completist mentality; so not being able to have fresh "pretend milk tablets" I fear, would leave me with a nagging feeling I just couldn't deal with. And now, what with all the tariffs,right? I guess I'll just have to find an alternative and name her "Milky" as a sort of homage.  Or should that be fromage? 

But in doing a little research, I found that the cow as toy was an idea that had been around long before Milky.  Even a milkable toy cow!

I would argue that the Marx Milking Cow was a kind of prototype for Milky, I'm guessing from the 50's maybe, based on that packaging?  Maybe even the 40's!  It's so close in concept, I wondered if perhaps Marx was acquired by Kenner and they just perused the archives for toy ideas.  Actually, Marx was acquired by The Quaker Oats company, famous for cereal, where as Kenner seems to have had some kind of relationship with General Mills, also famous for cereal.  Was Milky thusly some kind of propaganda for the Milk Industry?  A veiled attempt to get the tots back to consuming milk and its natural accompaniment, cereal?  Why wasn't there a Milky the Marvelous Milking Cow breakfast cereal?  That seems like a squandered opportunity, methinks.
In my search for a Milky substitute for Hugo, I came across a toy cow from the early 60's.  Made in Japan and dubbed "Josie"(!); this toy was quite large and fully animated.  Here she is with her box:

The problem with Josie seems to be that you can either find her in great cosmetic condition but non-working; or working but kinda mangey.  And it's kind of neck and neck as far as Milky vs. Josie availability.  My problem with Josie is that she seems to produce quite the racket if she works!

She's really rather endearing.  And she seems to be hided in real mohair, like a Steiff bear...
In any event.
Oh, a bit more about the Shogun Warriors.  So, they actually had a friend or foe (your choice) in the form of Godzilla himself!

Now, I don't recall Godzilla ever battling with a detachable fist in his movies.  Nor do I recall the Shogun Warriors in any of the Japanese monster pictures.  There was a strange character from this world who kinda-sorta looked like a Shogun Warrior.  His name was Jet Jaguar.  'Memba him?  He had a groovy theme song!

I'm thinking maybe the Shogun Warriors were more a Japanese thing that Mattel kinda-sorta tried to make happen for American kids...but it didn't take?   So, if you're really curious, here's a six-minute mash-up of American and Japanese ads for the toys:

Which kinda-sorta brings this full circle and makes you wonder why the Japanese would've produced an elaborate toy based on a, what I imagine, is a very American idea: the milk cow.  But see...you do learn something new every day.  Japan does in fact have and has long had a dairy industry.  Which kind of makes you wonder why cheese never seems to be involved in any Japanese cooking.  I wonder if I could find a Japanes cheese ad...
Well, I found this.  And you think I had questions about Milky?  This makes Milky seem like the most normal idea ever ideated.

And to answer my original question: Is Something Wrong With Me?  Well, if Milky is wrong.  If Josie is wrong.  If Hugo is wrong. If Jet Jaguar is wrong.  If the Nissin Cheese Alien is wrong.  Well...
I DON'T WANT TO BE RIGHT!
Ciao!

CFR   4/8/25

Since we all had so much fun last year with songs about women; how about this year we do movies about women?  Works for me!
And why don't we start with this year's Best Picture Oscar(TM/REG/ALL RIGHTS RESERVED/PAT-PEND):

Great movie!  For my commentary on this feature, please see my blog entitled: TOUGH LOVE IN NEW CANAAN / PART 3.
Here's a link:
www.christopherfreidy.com/blog/tough-love-in-new-canaan-part-3?view=full

These are some of my favorite movies about women.  As the main subject, yes.  But some of them more "revolve" around women, which, it seems to me...is everything.  Meaning, that life itself revolves around women, yes?

​ALICE DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE (1974)

I just rewatched this movie recently and had the pleasure of seeing it in a grand old theater on a huge screen.  And I think I've realized why I love it.  It reminds me of my mother.  Ellen Burstyn and my mother had quite similar looks and perhaps personalities.  Or maybe my mom was more like the character of Alice Hyatt.  The movie was like a few fractions of a second or so out of sound-synch.  I immediately informed the staff; but it seemed they had no solution.  I was afraid I was going to have to leave...it was like watching a badly dubbed Japanese movie.  And she sings in it, so you're paying close attention to her mouth.  But after a while I adjusted; and she and the movie were just so charming and magical I got used to it; from the entire cast.  I hate to say this but I really did laugh and cry.  I had this song in my head for days...

So, this movie famously spawned a very successful sitcom and it was great and all.  But Alice the TV show was more about her relationships with her coworkers.  The movie is about her relationship with her son from start to finish.  And it is truly about that: the relationships between mothers and their sons.  It seemed very real to me, having been son to a mother with three sons (and a daughter--which is a very different relationship).  I said this movie was magical and charming and it's kind of hard to believe that it was directed by Martin Scorsese.  It has such a light and nimble touch to it.  Heartwarming laughs (blehh, right?).  I mean, why didn't he make more movies like this?  I mean I love DeNiro and the mob and all...but...
Also, this movie had Lelia Goldini in it, in a small part.  She had small parts in three of my favorite 70's movies: this one, The Day of the Locust and Invasion of the Body Snatchers.  That's like three classics she was in.  Hey, that's a track record I'd take any day!  And Jodie Foster (God, what a presence!) nearly walks off with the whole movie.

Speaking of...

 Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

​I would argue this is a woman centric picture.  It is really the women that figure everything out, try to stop it and the men, whose hesitation (read: not believing the women) screws it all up.

Actually, Veronica Cartwright here, serves as a kind of soothsayer.  I actually call her The Cassandra of Modern Cinema.  Cassandra, you might recall, is a mythological prophetess cursed by Apollo so that her predictions will never be believed and her warnings ignored.  I would say that started with this movie; but really, she was already kind of doing it in The Birds.
Which brings us too...
​
THE BIRDS (1963)

I think the reason this film has stood the test of time (because it's special effects are, let's face it, kinda dated and perhaps a wee bit cheesy (in a good way!) is because it works on levels I don't even think the writer and director were aware of; but maybe they were.  Maybe they were just that good.  It covers WOMEN as everything from "birds," the saucy, sexist British term of affection(?) to The She He Who Must Be Obeyed archetype.  And the she who must be subjugated and/or controlled archetype: in the case of the making of this film, a sad reality.  But really, it comes down to one thing.  One person.  One word.  "Tippi."  Yes, this movie is a Tippi Hedren joint from start to finish.  Her first acting job to boot; in a highly hyped MAJOR MOTION PICTURE.  And you can tell she's a beginner.  But you know what?  It doesn't matter.  She takes that movie by the balls and makes it her own... without even trying.  She made like three movies and she's a household name.  A LEGEND.  How's that for the power of women?  And this movie has one male in it.  And he's hot and handsome and charming...but this movie is about the power dynamics between the women.

Which brings us to Ms. Cartwright again and...

ALIEN (1979) / ALIENS (1986)

I love this scene.  I mean, I really feel like these people are trapped in outer-space with a monster!  And I think we can all relate to this scene nowadays, maybe even more now than then!  I mean, like, it was the height of Disco, Jimmy Carter was President and the Sony Walkman just came out.  Nobody needed an escape shuttle...

So, we've got Ms. Cartwright as the Voice of Reason that No One Listens To (WOMAN'S VOICE) and of course, Ms. Weaver who created in this and the first sequel a female character unlike any before or since; and made her utterly believable (WOMAN'S STRENGTH).

Which brings us again to Ms. Cartwright and...

THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK (1987)

I think this movie is deceptively lightweight.  It's fun and silly and campy fluff, yes.  But I think it taps into a lot of deeper themes about the essence and camaraderie of women.  Their SISTERHOOD, if you will.  And the bonds that women have that men simply cannot and probably will, never understand.  And it's about the way men manipulate women in ways they often fall for; preying on their NATURE.  And I think wanting security is part of women's nature.  Here's a scene that I think points that up.

This movie was cast by a woman, Wallis Nicita; who I met once or twice in my Hollywood "life."  And cast flawlessly, I might add, down to the featured extras.  And the production design by Polly Platt is sheer eye-candy.  I also think it's one of George Miller's best movies.  People go on about the Mad Max saga; but I'll take this or Lorenzo's Oil any day.  That one also starred Ms. Sarandon.

The man knows what to do with a camera.  And when not to. Or what.
Another movie I love that is seemingly about a man; but is maybe really more about the women around him:

The Last Emperor (1987)

The leading lady in that film was Joan Chen, who I instantly fell in love with.  Then she was fabulous on Twin Peaks until she got sucked into a drawer pull(!); and then she disappeared.  Here she is around the time of The Last Emperor:

And then she resurfaced in Didi from last year and, I think, should've been up for all the awards; but she wasn't.

It seems Joan is having something of a comeback and I say, YAY!  Go Joan!

LAW OF DESIRE (1987)

Pedro Almodovar has certainly been a filmmaker who has put women front and center in his work.  For example, Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown from 1988.  One of my favorites of his is Law of Desire.  I was on the Anotonio Banderas train right out of the station with that one, baby!  But I was also on the Carmen Maura train.  She was Almodovar's leading lady for a lot of his early films.  In Law of Desire she plays a trans person and yes, it is treated in a rather "campy" way in the movie; but Maura makes the character completely believable.  Maura never seemed to go out of the Spanish film industry (read: dabble in Hollywood); but I thought she was amazing in those early Almodovar films, which took Spanish "passion" and turned the dial up to eleven.  That she never did English language films (as far as I know) can only be seen as a loss for movie lovers.

Now, this next entry is more of a TV show; but I think it was first aired as a TV movie, so I'm counting it.  I was about nine years-old when this show hit the air; but it made a vivid impression on me.  The character of Chrisite Love, as portrayed by Teresa Graves, made an indelible impression, I think, for anyone who saw it.

GET CHRISTIE LOVE!  (1974)

Like most cop shows of the 70's, the main characters had almost zero personal development.  No home lives, no social lives.  No opinions on world events...just case after case.  But Teresa Graves' charm made up for a lot of that built-in lack of character dimension. And left you wanting to know more about her.  And of course there was that outta-sight opening theme song!

An film I really enjoy, more on an intellectual level is entitled: From the Journals of Jean Seberg (1995); as it's about one of my favorite actresses being played by another of my favorite actresses:

​FROM THE JOURNALS OF JEAN SEBERG (1995)

Now, I've never seen that trailer before and I find it odd that it doesn't feature the star of the film: Mary Beth Hurt.  Ms. Hurt plays Jean Seberg, narrating her life from beyond the beyond in a very dry and analytical way.  Is the movie a documentary?  Maybe.  Is it a narrative? Maybe.  Is it film analysis?  Maybe.  Is it all those things and more?  Definitely.  Ms. Hurt, in "real life," had apparently been baby-sat by Ms. Seberg; and although the two actresses are really nothing alike; that dichotomy  makes it all the more fascinating.  The film's creator had also done a movie in the same style about Rock Hudson: Rock Hudson's Home Movies (1992).  Mark Rappaport is the filmmaker.  And I must say, he has to be one of the most unique and original filmmakers...well, ever.  He deals in semiotics in a fascinating and understandable way.  And it seems he's kind of a vitrual unknown...still.  A genius?  Yeah, probably.

And since I can't find a clip of Ms. Hurt in "Journals" here's the next best thing.  Her as "Joey" in Woody Allen's Interiors; being all 1970's in a Me Decade-Self Psych-Out.  Roll the clip!

You know, I tend to put women on pedestals.  Or should I say, the "idea" of WOMAN.  But that's not productive.  Women are just as subject to hubris as men.  Just as able and willing to go against their nuturing nature; like many of the current female politicos on The Hill nowadays, capice?  So, here's a fun movie with a true KAREN as the star and fear not, she receives her comeuppance (and then some!).  And this has to be the first and only movie with a "Female Glory Hole."  Hey, what's good for the gander...capice? 

​DESPERATE LIVING (1977) 
​Okay,,,ah...I was just looking at the trailer for John Water's Desperate Living and even that is just a bit too much to inflict here.  Let me see if I can find a scene with Mink Stole as "Peggy Gravel," the KAREN in question.  Please hold...

But at the other extreme; but somehow more uplifting and hopeful (I hope); is WOMAN as the ultimate sacrificer; because when you think about it, what with this being A MAN'S WORLD; women always have to sacrifice something in this life.  But there is always nobility.  There is always hope.  HOPE as WOMAN.
Here is a movie that stars Bette Davis:

DARK VICTORY (1939) 
SPOILER ALERT:  If you haven't seen this movie and want to be clobbered over the head with a crying jag; stop reading now and don't watch the clip! Watch the movie!

Bette starts out as a jaded, petulant, spoiled rich girl who finds out she's got a brain tumor.  Falls in love with her doctor.  Is transformed by that love and decides to simply not think about the inevitable.
​

So those are my choices for 2025.  Who was it who said, to paraphrase, that the history of Cinema was a bunch of boys pointing cameras at girls?  I don't know; but when you think about it; it kinda makes sense.  (Oh, it was Godard, according to the Jean Seberg trailer).

CFR   4/3/25

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiipppppppppppp!
Chris tears an ad out of an old American Journal of Psychiatry and shows it to Dr. Hartley.

CHRIS
Dr. Hartley, can you book me a ticket on the Miltown Express?
DR. HARTLEY
Well, I'm not your doctor in an official capacity; so, ah, no.  And I wouldn't anyway until I found out more through analysis.  I find drugs like Meprobamate only mask symptoms.
CHRIS
Fair enough.  I mean, I wouldn't want to get an infection of the taint or anything...
DR. HARTLEY
Ah, what's a "taint"?
CHRIS
Well, it taint the balls and it taint the butthole.
DR. HARTLEY
What now?
CHRIS
We have drugs in 2025 that can make your taint fall off.
DR. HARTLEY
You mean, ah, the perineum?
CHRIS
Yes.
DR. HARTLEY
Gee whiz. Well, why don't we put an end to that topic, so to speak.​

MR. CARLIN
Can we get on with this?  Now who the hell are those two broads in the pictures?  And what the frig is Anora?
CHRIS
Anora is a movie.  Why don't we just watch the trailer and then--
CICELY TYSON
The what?
CHRIS
Oh, the movie trailer.  You might be more familiar with the term Coming Attractions or Previews of said.  "Trailer" catches on in my time and I have to say, I don't understand why it's called a "trailer" when it's really a "leader"; you know what I--
LOLA FALANA
Can we just see the damn thing?  I've gotta get to a rehearsal in Miltown...
CHRIS
You mean "midtown"; like Manhattan?
LOLA
No.  I've got an economy size bottle of those little bastards up in my room.
CHRIS
Right.  Okay Ms. Nafala!
The Brunette Nurse wheels in a 16mm projector.  The lights dim and the following unspools:

CHRIS
Oh, this is interesting.  I just read Lil Conan here won the Mark Twain Prize while we've been talking...
LIL CONAN
I did?  Gee whiz!  What's my prize?!!?  What's my prize?!!?
CHRIS
​This...

LIL CONAN
Who is Ewhen DeGenahwiss?  Is she funny?
CHRIS
Well she will be.  She's only ten right now.  And then she won't be.
LIL CONAN
I don't understand.  Funny is funny.
CHRIS
Usually.  Isn't that a nice prize?
LIL CONAN
Yuck!  How am I gonna play with that?  It's an old man...he looks like you, Mister.
CHRIS
Well, we are both Sagittarians.  He likes to go shirtless too!

CONAN
Well he shouldn't...
JOAN
Children should be seen and not heard, dear.
CHRIS
He was also, apparently a carrot top, just like you Lil' C.!

LIL CONAN
I don't care!  That's a stinky prize.  I want a Mr. Potato Head!  Or Hot Wheels.  Or a Creepy Crawlers set!

CHRIS
Mark Twain is a Red Hot Stud, Lil' C.  You should be proud.  And Sagg don't crack, baby!
BETTE
Could we please get on with this goddamn Cremora movie?
CHRIS
It's Anora.  I guess I'm dragging my feet.
DR. HARTLEY
​Ah, why is that Chrissy?  Ah, I mean, Mr. Reidy.
CHRIS
Because once again, I'm put in the position of seeming like a complete and total lunatic.
DR. HARTLEY
We don't use words like that Mr. Reidy.  Mentally incapacitated is what I prefer.
CHRIS
Okay. Works for me.  So...here we go...now--
VALERIE
I don't mean to interrupt, but as a scientist and engineer I find that having cogent facts are important in proving any thesis or proposition.  I'm talking charts, graphs, spread-sheets, pie-charts, empirical evidence, double-blind experiments, Bunsen burners, Cyclotrons, cause and effect, atomic--
CHRIS
I'm sorry Miss Brown; but I don't have any of those things.
CICELY
I could've told her that.
JOAN
Well, what do you have?
CHRIS
Feelings.  Intuition.  Vibes...I just know, you know?  When you know you know.  You just know. You know?
DR. HARTLEY
Why don't you just start at the beginning and tell us what you do know.  Or that you think you know.  Or feel?
​CHRIS
Okay.  Here goes.  So, I go to the movies a lot and in my time they show like, a zillion trailers before a movie.  So, I saw the Anora trailer several times.  It looked interesting; but I never got around to seeing it.  I should say, "we."  And my husband was kind of mad at me that we missed it. Once it started getting nominated for all kinds of awards, it was long gone from our local theaters.  So then it swept the Academy Awards and it came back; so we went to see it.  So, as I'm sitting there watching it, I start having this deja-vu kind of feeling...you know, like it seemed super familiar somehow.
JOAN
Well, movies about golden-hearted hookers have been around since they invented the movie camera.  I even played one.
BETTE
"Played"?
JOAN
Oh, Bette dear; you're so droll.
CHRIS
In my time we call them "sex workers." But, yeah, I mean, it was kinda the sameish story as Pretty Woman; but there were things in it that started to become even more familiar, to me.  It wasn't just a forest anymore.  I was starting to see trees...
DR. HARTLEY
That's an interesting, ah, metaphor.  Or is that allegory?  Or parable?  Or similie?
CHRIS
Good question doctor.  Valerie, could you enlighten us?
VALERIE
Alexander was an English major; Alex?
ALEXANDER
Oh Val do I have to?  I mean, like, what a squaresville drag!
ALEXANDRA
Do it, brother dear, or I'll sic Sebastian on you...

CHRIS
Thank you Mr. Cabot.  That was very informative.
ALEXANDER
Happy to lay it on yah, dude.  I made that when I was at Berkeley.
CHRIS
So, as I'm watching the movie unfold, my first thought was: "Hmmmm.  She works in a strip club."   That was the first "tree."  Then she gets involved with a boyish 20 year-old.  Second tree.  Who has a rich father. Third tree.  And she speaks two languages.  Fourth tree.  Then I realize the actress playing "Anora" looks a heck of a lot like another actress: Heidi Gardner and then the trees really started coming into view.
ALEXANDER
Like, that is a totally extended metaphor, man!  Like; I mean, not like or as, 'cuz that would be a similie.
ALEXANDRA
Can it, brother!
DR. HARTLEY
What was the significance of Miss Gardner?
CHRIS
Okay, so, in my time, late 2022 to be exact, I started writing this screenplay on the computer as a sort of instructional undertaking.  It turned out to be quite a long and involved process; but the result, I thought, was pretty good.  I even published it as a book:

CHRIS
I went into great detail about not just the writing; but the development.  I even cast it as I went along; and had those actors in my head as I wrote.  Heidi Gardner was who I was thinking of as the leading lady--in my story, that is.  Here is the picture I used as an illustration:

JOAN
Well, she's certainly developed.
BETTE
Yes.  She has very nice bulbs.
CONAN
Look at the lady's boobies!  Tee-hee-hee!
DR. HARTLEY
But she didn't play this "Anora" character?
CHRIS
No.  "Anora" was played by an actress named Mikey Madison who is pretty much a "newcomer"; however, I thought they couldn't have cast someone who looked more like Miss Gardner unless it had actually been Miss Gardner.
CICELY
I can't tell them apart other than the hair.
JOAN
It's uncanny!
BETTE
I played identical twins.  Twice.  Or would that be four times?  Who knows?  ROLL THE CLIP!

JOAN
Well, that was loud.
BETTE
​(LOUD)  Thank you!
DR. HARTLEY
So, your screenplay was about a hooker with a heart of gold?
CHRIS
Ahhhhh...not really....
ALEXANDRA
Well what was it about?
CHRIS
Two men who fall in love when they're recruited to fight while skydiving...indoors...
DR. HARTLEY
Is that what Anora is about?
CHRIS
Uhhm...not exactly...
DR. HARTLEY
What am I missing here?  They, ah, don't sound, ah,  remotely alike.
CHRIS
Well, not the main story.  But more a subplot; but it's more than a subplot.  The main male lead, whose name is Henry, is engaged to the Heidi Gardner character, who is named "Donna" in the script.  They've been engaged for a long time.  The engagement ring figures into the plot, quite some bit.  Oh, and Donna works at a strip club; the implication being that she might be doing more than waiting tables...
LOLA
I noticed a lot of shots of a diamond ring.

CHRIS
Well, so did I Miss Farfala.
LOLA
Okay, that's getting old.
CHRIS
Sorry.  But yeah.  The diamond engagement ring in my story became this whole symbolic thing.  Mr. Cabot would say it was more a...
ALEXANDER
Like, leitmotif?
CHRIS
Well, it started out as that; but then became I suppose, a super-extended metaphor.  As did a bouquet of roses.
JOAN
Wait, did I see roses in that film clip?
CHRIS
You sure did!

DR. HARTLEY
Well, ah, I'm just gonna play devil's advocate here.  Aren't diamond rings and roses rather commonplace symbols of love, marriage and engagement?  They might appear in any story of this kind, yes?
CHRIS
Yes.  Absolutely.  But in my screenplay, they became so...intrinsic...I even illustrated the blog with images of both.  The ring became for Henry a symbol of his future.  And it was a very expensive ring that he had put most of his life savings into.  I would argue the ring in Anora had much the same import.  I'll show you some of the images I used...

MR. CARLIN
You're out of your mind pal!  You don't need sedatives.  You need shock treatments.  I think they've got a Napoleon costume around here somewhere--
DR. HARTLEY
Okay, Mr. Carlin.  That's enough.  I think you should leave the group now and--
CHRIS
No, let him stay.  I need naysayers.  I need impartial parties to tell me how I'm wrong; because I want to know that if I'm wrong; just where did my thinking go astray?  Like, exactly how am I mistaken in this?
VALERIE
So, it was just these things.  They do seem common.  Are there more specific things?
CHRIS
Well my script has a young, twentyish cupid like boy with a very rich father.  I have a scene set on a private jet: another tree.  Oh, then there's Cesaro the Wrestler.
ALEXANDRA
Oh brother!
ALEXANDER
Like, what?
ALEXANDRA
I wasn't talking to you knucklehead.
SEBASTIAN THE CAT
(HISS/LAFFS)
LOLA
Who is that?
CHRIS
Okay, so; in my script, the Donna character meets this brawny bald guy on an airplane and they start speaking a foreign language together.
DR. HARTLEY
Russian?
CHRIS
No, Italian.  But still.
JOAN
And then?
CHRIS
They fall in love; which breaks her and Henry up.  Also, that he's gay.
JOAN
The wrestler is gay?
CHRIS
No.  Henry is.  I "cast" Cesaro the Wrestler in the part and had him in mind when I was writing it.  His real name is Claudio Castagnoli.  I named his character "Claudio" in the script.  Here's a picture of Mr. Castagnoli:

JOAN
Well!  You didn't tell me he was that developed!  Woof!
BETTE
Down, Joan.
JOAN
I'm having Yul Brynner flashes!
BETTE
Hot flashes, you mean.
JOAN
Oh, he was hot all right!
CHRIS
Here's the bilingual character from Anora...

CECILY
Which one is which?
CHRIS
Well, one of them is Mr. Yuri Borisov, who got a Best Supporting Actor nomination for his efforts.
MR. CARLIN
Coincidences!  I didn't see any queer dudes flying around in that coming attraction.
DR. HARTLEY
I don't know Mr. Reidy.  You're saying that this picture that was showered with all this praise...that won the top prize...
CHRIS
The Crown Fucking Jewel of the Fucking Film Industry, Doc.
DR. HARTLEY
You're saying your script...ah, what?  Inspired it?
CHRIS
You said it.  I didn't...
BETTE
Chris...I thought you were done with all of this.  All of these accusations and claims of creative machinations.  This does not sit well with those at whom you're pointing your finger.
CHRIS
With all due respect, Miss D.: we're talking about the fucking Oscars for Best Screenplay and Best Picture; both of which it won.  Do you think in this case, feeling and thinking what I think and feel I'm not gonna say anything?  If Mr. Baker, who, by the way cast and edited the movie as well--and won the motherfucking Oscar for Best Editing--well, if Mr. Baker disagrees with me, he is welcome to explain just how I'm wrong!  And just how wrong I am!!!

DR. HARTLEY
Okay.  Well.  Fair enough.  I think we can wrap this up now--
CHRIS
Can I tell you all one last thing?
ALL
Sure!
CHRIS
One last tree.  The thing that kind of clinched it for me; that, yes.  I'm not crazy.  That, this is a coincidence, is just too impossible.
DR. HARTLEY
What is that?
CHRIS
Towards the end of the movie, Anora is sort of falling in love with the Russian guy and they have an exchange of dialogue, based around the word 'touche."  The French expression meaning you scored a point somehow.  He mispronounces the word as "toosh" to rhyme with "whoosh."  She corrects him and there's a bit of a back and forth about the word.
VALERIE
Touche is a pretty common expression, Mr. Reidy.
CHRIS
But is mispronouncing it as "toosh" common, Ms. Brown?
VALERIE
I would say the odds just shot up rather astronomically.
ALEXANDER
Speaking of astronomy...we've gotta get back to the ship.
CHRIS
Well, here's a conversation from my script.  Read it and tell me what you think.

ALL
Hmmmm...gee, I don't know...maybe, maybe not...could be...but then again...like, dude is trippin'...etc. etc. etc.

CHRIS
So Dr. Hartley...what's the verdict?
DR. HARTLEY
Ah, you mean on all this stuff you've been talking about; or what I think of the state of your mind?
CHRIS
Your call.
DR. HARTLEY
Well, as far as your mind goes; you seem pretty coherent; but I would like to run some more tests.  As for the other stuff--
DR. Hartley is interrupted by the FAMILIAR SOUND of someone Beaming Down from a Starfleet spacecraft.

Why, it's MR. SULU...the animated version from the 70's Saturday Morning version!

DR. HARTLEY
Ah, this is a private meeting.  Who are you?
MR. SULU
I'm Lt. Sulu from the Starship Enterprise.  I'm here to transport these three individuals and this cat back to their own dimension in order to avoid a rift in the Time-Warp-Weft; and also, Rings on Uranus.
ALEXANDRA
Well it's about time you blockhead!  This whole scene was absolute dullsville!
VALERIE
I have an idea!  Let's do The Time Warp again!  Maybe it will prevent space-time-Saturday-Morning-Anomaly-Rift.
SULU
Or Rings on Uranus.
The ENTIRE GROUP launches into a number:

CHRIS
I know it hasn't come out yet; but do you realize that is now a Disney movie?  They'll probably take this down.
VALERIE
Well, we're Hanna-Barbera baby.  We get medical and dental; the whole shebang!
SULU
Paramount is where it's at.
CHRIS
Really? We'll see.  Well, I guess we're done here--
LIL CONAN
But what about my prize?  What about my prize?  Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
VALERIE
Oh don't cry Lil' C.  (She opens her purse)  I probably shouldn't do this; but I want you to have this baby Bleep.  (She removes a tiny creature from the bag).
BABY BLEEP
​Bleep!  Bleep-bleep!

SULU
I'm sorry ma'am...what is that creature?
VALERIE
It's just a Bleep.  See, we have a Bleep; and we thought it was male; but then it had babies.  This one got in my bag somehow.
SULU
Well, it could cause a Tribble type situation; but this planet is going nuts anyways; so they can deal with it.
DR. HARTLEY
We don't use words like that lieutenant.  I prefer mentally incapacitated.
CHRIS
Just wait 'til you get to 2025!
The Bleep jumps into Lil' Conan's arms.
BLEEP
Bleep-bleep!
LIL CONAN
This is way better than that dumb statue!  Hee-hee!
Bleep leaps out of his arms and runs out of the room; Conan on his heels giving merry chase!
SULU
My work here is done.
CHRIS
In my time, Mr. Sulu becomes a Voice of Reason and Gay Elder Statesman!
SULU
I do?
CHRIS
Yes!
MR. CARLIN
You mean he's one of those queers flyin' around?  One of those light in their loafer--
Mr. Sulu pulls out his phaser and shoots.

MR. Carlin drops to the Persian rug, motionless.
DR. HARTLEY
Oh, ah, shit. He's dead and hasn't paid his bill yet.
SULU
No, he's just stunned.  He should come out of it in a few hours.  (He flips open his communicator)  Sulu, five to beam up Scotty.
We hear the TRANSPORTER SOUND and see them wave as they radiate and fade away.
ALEXANDRA
(FADING OUT)...that dumb Josie...oooh...she better stay away from my Tucci-woochi...
CHRIS
He's mine, honey!
The Blonde Nurse puts a record on a phonograph and the Brunette Nurse drops the needle....

Mr. Tucci *SIGHS*, raises his Tequilatini glass to no one in particular and drains it.  He puts it on the coffee table and picks up a the pan of potatoes and starts eating.

FIN

CFR   3/27/2025

ADDENDUM 3/30/2025

Just for the "record"; here is who I "cast" as the 20ish rich kid:

And this is who was cast in Anora as the 20-something rich kid:

I was writing a part for a teen to play a high-school football star and I wanted an unknown.  I typed: "high school football player" into a search and his picture popped up and immediately caught my attention.  His name is Dustin Shelby.  This was totally random on my part.  And then I used him again for Heartfight.
And as you can see; he and Mr. Eydelshteyn look NOTHING alike!

CFR

When last we saw Chris, he was facing some tough love and hard truths in Group Therapy at Silver Hill Sanitarium.  The year is 1968, which is odd; and really has no bearing on the events as they unfold; as some of the "people" involved are not human.  Some are fictional.  Some are animated.  Some are animated cats.  Pussycats.  At some point, a Musical Therapy Therapist put on some music in an attempt to soothe Chris' savage soul.  All heck erupted as everyone donned disguises for some reason and ran around the hallways, nillyl-willy, pell-mell, higgeldy-piggeldy, hither and yon and inside, outside, upside down!  Chris has like, completely freaked out, man!  And only a Musical Interlude from his favorite Saturday Morning cartoon show of his childhood, could set things right!  Right On! You dig?

DR. HARTLEY
Ahhh, okay everbody...I think we've gotten whatever that was out of our systems.  So, ah, now let's all take our seats and act like grown-ups.
CHRIS
In my time, nobody acts like grown-ups anymore. So, why should I?  Why should any of us?
DR. HARTLEY
What do you, ah, mean by that?
CHRIS
I told you; it's White Rabbit time.  We are in Wonderland.  Our President is the Fucking Queen of Hearts!  No, actually, he's the King of Hearts and the Queen is a Megalomaniac Narcissist Techno-Tycoon straight out of a James Bond movie and James Bond is losing.
LOLA FALANA
So, who is the President in 2025?
CHRIS
Tweedle-Don and Tweedle Lon.  They're co-Presidenting.  Co-hosting The United States Variety Show and it's a bomb, I assure you.  A ratings disaster.  If you get booked on that show Miss Lafana, I'd get a new agent.
LOLA
It's "Fa-la-na"; and I'll stick to my Grape-Nuts commercials, thank you. (She pours herself another Tequilatini and raises the glass).

CHRIS
I'll have what Tony Franciosa is having in that bathing suit!
LOLA
Preach, baby!
CHRIS
But seriously...did you ever try to eat Grape-Nuts?  I mean, it takes like a half an hour to finish one bowl.  Each spoonful takes about ten minutes to chew.  It's like, you move your jaw up and down and nothing happens.  And just what exactly is a Grape Nut?  What do grapes have to do with it...other than Tony Franciosa's swim-suit!

DR. HARTLEY
Okay, now let's buckle down here and ah, try to stay focused.  So, Mr. Reidy; tell me more about these perceived thefts of your creative material.
CHRIS 
It's called "Intellectual Property" in 2025.  Or, "IP" for short.
DR. HARTLEY
Fine.  IP.  So, why don't you explain it to me.
CHRIS
It's kind of hard to explain.  It's like we're talking about ideas.  It's not completely tangible.  There's like no nuts and bolts to it.  It's like trying to hold on to vapor.
DR. HARTLEY
Just tell it like you see it.
CHRIS
It's funny that you use that phrase...
DR. HARTLEY
​Why?
CHRIS
Because there's this expression: "if you see something--"
A little five-year-oldish red-headed BOY bursts into the room and finishes the sentence:
LITTLE BOY
--"Say something!" Hee, hee, hee!
The boy is five year-old CONAN O'BRIEN.
LIL' CONAN
I'm five and a half!

Photo courtesy The Harvard Kinder-Crimson Preview

DR. HARTLEY
Ah, who does this child belong to?
CONAN
I'm a big boy!  I'm completely autonomous and have received emancipation from my Mommie and Daddy, tee-hee!  I heard Mr. Reidy was here and wanted to sit in on his set and pick up some new material.  Just kidding, hee-hee-hee!
DR. HARTLEY
Well, why don't you sit down over there between Miss Crawford and Miss Davis.
CONAN
Oh boy!  I like grannies!
BETTE
You better lay some of your patented parenting practices on that twerp, Joan.
JOAN
I'm on it, Bette.  (She produces a tub of potatoes and a peeler)  Start peeling, you Irish pip-squeak.  And make it snappy.
CONAN
Oh boy!
CHRIS
(To Dr. Hartley)  They're all Aries.  What are you Dr. Hartley?
DR. HARTLEY
I'm a Virgo...
JOAN
That's wonderful, Dr.!  You can clean up this mess when we're finished.
DR. HARTLEY
I'm ah, trying to clean up this mess--oh--I mean, Mr. Reidy--right now.  So, tell us about what's going on Mr. Reidy.
CHRIS
Okay, well, since Lil' Conan is here, let's use him as an example; although it's more of an aside.  So, anyways, the computer network I was telling you about...have you watched Star Trek?
BLONDE NURSE
We watch it every friday night in the common room.  The patients love it.
CHRIS
So, you know they have the computer that talks?  They can ask it questions and it answers them with pictures and text and so on?
ALL
Yes, uh-huh- yep-etc.
CHRIS
Well, in my time, we have that...and it's connected to our TV's and phones and watches; pretty much anywhere and everywhere we want it, around the clock.  You can ask the computer about yourself as well, and it will pull up everything that is known about you.  It's called "Googling Yourself."  So, when I do that, it shows me images connected to myself that seem to "trend" in regards to, I suppose, other, shall we say, "entities" out there that are researching it.  That is to say, me.  So, I do it for myself to try and guage if anyone or thing is interested in what I'm, laying down man, as they might say nowadays.  In 1968, that is.
DR. HARTLEY
So what are you seeing?
CHRIS
Well, I'm seeing a lot of Mr. O'Brien here.
DR. HARTLEY
You mean this little red-headed boy, here?
CONAN
Hee-hee-tee-hee-hee!
CHRIS
Yeah.  You see--
ALEXANDRA
I can't stand red-heads.  They remind me of that dumb Josie.  Oooooh, she gets my goat!
ALEXANDER
Would you put a sock in it sis?  I'm trying to hear what this kooky old dude is rappin' about!
CHRIS
So, this little boy grows up to be a late night talk show host, like Johnny Carson.
DR. HARTLEY
Really?  This kid?
CHRIS
Yeah.  He even gets Johnny's job at one point; but then he like, totally drops off the face of the Earth and does a podcast.
VALERIE
What's a podcast?
CHRIS
It's more or less a radio show.
VALERIE
That sounds like technological regression to me.
CHRIS
Yeah, I don't get it either.  It's like we go back to radio.  And then...get this...film it for TV.
MR. CARLIN
What?  That's stupid.  That doesn't even make sense.
CHRIS
I know!  Thank you!  So, anyways...about three years ago, I wrote an article about IP theft in the comedy world and included a picture of him with no shirt on that I found on the computer and downloaded...or wait...uploaded?  I'm not sure.  Most of the jargon escapes me.  This is the picture (He pulls another photo out of his robe):

JOAN
You mean this little boy turns into him?
CHRIS
Yeah...sure.
CONAN
I'm a Red Hot Stud!
JOAN
You certainly are!  (Pulls out business card and tucks it in LIl' Conan's sweater)  Why don't you give me a call in about twelve and half years.
DR. HARTLEY
Why did you post this particular picture of Mr. O'Brien?
CHRIS
Because he's a Red Hot Stud.
DR. HARTLEY
Oh.  Right.  Of course.  So, you wrote about him in 1965?
CHRIS
Well, no...I was more or less an infant.  I mean, I wrote about him in 2021.  But that's beside the point.
DR. HARTLEY
Well, ah, what exactly is the point?
CHRIS
Okay.  So, he like disappears; and then, around 2024ish, I start seeing that picture of him that I posted three years earlier in my, what is called, "feed."  And he's still there...

CHRIS
He's even embedded in one of the "Thumbnails."  It's like if in 1968 you looked me up in a card catalog, his picture would be glued to the card...

DR. HARTLEY
Sure.  But why?
CHRIS
I'm not sure I want to tell you; because if I do; I will really sound like I'm off my rocker.
DR. HARTLEY
Mr. Reidy.  I'm not a doctor; but I play one on TV.  And maybe some day, a podcast.  This is, ah, a safe space.  Tell us.
CHRIS
I think he got the Oscar hosting gig, in some way, from my blog about him.  You see?  You see now how this is grasping at vapors?
DR. HARTLEY
He hosted the Oscars?  You mean, the televised Motion Picture Academy Awards Ceremony?
CHRIS
Yes.
DR. HARTLEY
Did he wear a shirt?
CHRIS
Yes.  He wore a tuxedo shirt.
BETTE
Did he wear pants?
CHRIS
Yes.
JOAN
Oh, that's too bad.
DR. HARTLEY
So, how do you suppose your article about him got him that job?  Did you recommend him?
CHRIS
No.  But I thought it was very strange that he was all over my feeds right around the time he would've been being considered for the job; which he got; seemingly out of the blue.
DR. HARTLEY
What do you mean by that?
CHRIS
I told you.  He fell off the face of the Earth.  When he got the gig, people were like: "Oh, the one with the red hair. The Oscars, though?  I forgot about him.  I thought he moved to Dingle--"
CONAN
Tee-hee!  You said "dingle"!

MR. CARLIN
That sucked.
DR. HARTLEY
Mr. Carlin...support...supportive space.  But, ah, I must admit I found it a bit...ah...unsettling?
CHRIS
A lot of people do.  Like my mom.  I used to say to her: "But mom, why don't you like him?  He's Irish. He's from Boston. He's hilarious!"
"He's too weird."  She would respond.  "What do you mean, weird?"  "I don't know...I just don't think he's funny."  And yet, she loved Marty Short.
BETTE
Who?
CHRIS 
Oh, well, he's a Canadian.  He's probably in high school right now--
BETTE
Then, let's skip it!
DR. HARTLEY
So why do you think that this piece you wrote about him, wherein you--correct me if I'm wrong--did not, recommend him for this job; why do you think it got him the job?
CHRIS
I'm not saying I got him the job.  I'm just saying that my blog was involved somehow...
DR. HARTLEY
How?  Do you, ah, have any empirical evidence?
CHRIS
No.  None.  Nothing.  It's just a feeling I have.  A gut feeling.  I'm a Sagittarius.  My phone is always telling me we're psychic.  Anyways...it's already been announced that Conan is hosting the Oscars next year; which is kind of unheard of.
LIL CONAN
I am?  Gee whiz!  You like me, you really like me!!!
JOAN
Keep peeling, kid.
CHRIS
Yes.  That hosting job requires an oddly delicate combination of warmth, irreverence, sarcasm and sincerity.  Personally, his comedy is right up my alley.
JOAN
Mine too!
CHRIS
Like the time he had people dressed as famous skyscrapers and they fought one another.
DR. HARTLEY
What am I missing?  How is that funny?
CHRIS
Comedy is rather vaporous itself.  You kind of had to be there.
DR. HARTLEY
​Okay...so, let's get back to Anora and those photos of the two women.  What's that all about?
CHRIS
Okay, well...so--
CONAN
All finished!  Hee-hee!
BETTE
What the hell are we going to do with all these potatoes?
VALERIE
Well, let's ask Mr. Tucci.  Mr. Tucci?
WILD APPLAUSE!

CONAN
Gee Mr. Tucci, that was swell!  These are so yummy!
ALEXANDRA
Get out of my way you dumb red-head; he's mine.  (Rubbing Stanley's head)  Oh, Mr. Tucci...I don't know what I ever saw in Alan M.  Tucci, you're the only one I want to give smoochies! (She starts kissing his head, leaving lipstick prints).
STANLEY
Miss, please.  I'm married!
CHRIS
Oh, that's right!  To a literary agent, correct me if I'm wrong.
He pushes Alexandra out of the way.
CHRIS
He's mine honey!  Oh, Tucci-woochi, you're my little chu-chi face!
And then a MUSICAL NUMBER ensued:

DR. HARTLEY
People!  People, please...it's time to regroup!
But his protestations fell on deaf ears as yet anothere MUSICAL NUMBER ensued.

Please see:
TOUGH LOVE IN NEW CANAAN PART 3, for the EXCITING conclusion!

​CFR   3/23/25

He was in a fog!  He was in a fugue!  He wanted fudge.  He wanted fags.  As in cigarettes.  That was what he really wanted!  The smooth tobacco taste of Winston; because he smoked for taste!  Maybe that nice Fred fellow would come by with some?

Or perhaps that lovely Miss Hathaway and her friends Jed and that good looking Jethro; maybe he could bum a pack off of them?

The nurse came to his bedside. She looked familiar.  She rested a cool palm on his forehead.  "Temperature's down, finally.  I've brought you some soup.  I want you to sit up now and eat it.  It's Campbell's Manhandler!"
"What flavor?" he asked, squinting from the snow-glare light coming through the window.
"Well, let's see...we've got Vegetable Beef, Chili Beef, Split Pea with Ham, Noodles and Ground Beef and Scotch Broth."
He sat up on one elbow.  "That last one sounds intriguing.  Does it have real Scotch in it?"
The nurse smiled.  "Now you know, Mr. Reidy; that we don't have any alcohol here at Silver Hill..."  She turned on the television.

"Will I have to shovel the driveway?" he asked, when she returned with the soup.
"Of course not.  You're here for you mind.  Your body will come later."
"I just realized who you look like..."
"Who?"
"Heidi Gardner from Saturday Night Live."
"I don't know who she is.  Or what Saturday Night Live is.  Is that a movie?"
He looked around.  Something was off.  Oh no!  It was happening again.  When he was young and he heard that song: "They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha Haaa!"; his heart would race and he would grow terrified.  Imagine that.  Shaken to the core by a stupid novelty song.  But yes, it had upset him.  But now here he was--
"What is this place?  Where am I?"
WHERE AM I?
The cliche was frighteningly of the moment.  This moment.  When was this moment?
"What year is it?  Who's the President?"
"Take a deep breath.  It's 1968 and the President is Mr. Johnson.  You're in the Silver Hill Sanitarium in New Canaan, Connecticut."
Saturday Night Live isn't even an idea yet.  And Heidi is just an egg somewhere, at the moment.  Another nurse popped her head in the room and said: "They're ready downstairs."  The second nurse smiled at him.  She had dark hair, unlike the first nurse, who was blonde.  Then he realized who Nurse Number Two looked like and his memory started coming back; like a rolling ball of thunder; as the bard said.

The blonde nurse nodded.  "We'll be right down...as soon as Mr. Reidy has finished his soup."  Campbell's Soup.  He couldn't help but think of Andy Warhol.  And his next thought was of Edie Sedgwick.  And hadn't she stayed at this very place once?  And then he wondered why Edie Brickell sort of disappeared once she married Paul Simon.  And didn't she sing a song about Edie?  Yes.  Yes she did.

Maybe Edie was here, he thought.  Donde esta Edie?  
When he was finished with his Scotch Broth, the Blonde Nurse whisked the bowl away and watched as he put on his silk, paisley robe and monogrammed slippers: CRF
He nodded his readiness and the nurse guided him out of the room and down a large wood-panelled, grand stairwell to the ground floor.  A door to a dayroom was opened and once through it, he was standing in front of a semi-circle of concerned faces.  Some in repose.  Some animated: literally(!).  He recognized them immediately: Valerie Brown and Alexandra Cabot and her brother Alexander.  And their cat, Sebastian.

He recognized some other faces.  Bette Davis.  Cicely Tyson.  But some of the others were foggy, obscured; or just in his periphery and he couldn't quite place them, like in a dream sometimes.  The Blonde Nurse fluffed a pillow in an armchair facing the group.  "Why don't you have a seat?" she asked.  He sat.  She continued.  "These people are here because--"
"I know why they're here.  This is an intervention.  But I'm already in the booby-hatch.  So I'm guessing this is about my..."
"Pahhhhrrrahhhnoihhhahhhh!" Bette Davis proclaimed as she exhaled a wave of filterless cigarette smoke.
"OCD..." he mumbled, unconvinced.  And then again.  "OCD."
Lola Falana took a sip of a supposedly contraband martini and *SIGHED*

"Okay," he said, "I want to talk in the first person...I'm not even sure about the narrative voice I'm using right now.  Fuck that.  And fuck you grammar police.  I like doing these things as scripts."
At this point, the doctor overseeing the "INTERVENTION" takes a sip of water and looks at his notes.  This is DR. BOB HARTLEY, Ph. D.
DR. HARTLEY
So, ah, Mr. Reidy...
CHRIS
You can call me Chrissy.
DR. HARTLEY
Well, ah, in group, we all prefer last names with courtesy titles, Chrissy--oh, ah, I mean...Mr. Chrissy.  Ah, Mr. Reidy.
CHRIS
Sure.
ALEXANDRA CABOT
Well don't think I'm referring to that dumb red-head as Miss Josie!
ALEXANDER CABOT III
Cool it, sis.  Just pet your pussy and relax.
SEBASTIAN THE CAT 
LAUGHS RASPILY and jumps to Alexandra's lap.
VALERIE
Yeah Miss Cabot.  Not everything is about you!  Mr. Reidy has problems too.
CICELY TYSON
Oh boy, does he have problems.  I've met this cat before and all he does is--
DR. HARTLEY
Okay, Miss Tyson; only positive and supporting statements are allowed in this space.  Now, Mr. Reidy.  You started this off by using profanity.  Are you, ah...angry about something?
CHRIS
I don't know if angry is quite the right word.  Maybe, anxious.  Or confused.  Or concerned that I'm losing my mind?

MR. CARLIN
Losing?  Try the past tense, pal.
DR. HARTLEY
Now, ah, Mr. Carlin, do you ah, think that that statement is supportive?
MR. CARLIN
Like a jock-strap; and I know this kook is hung-up on freak-out-kink!
DR. HARTLEY
Now, ah, Mr. Carlin, we don't make judgments about--
A phone RINGS on a side-table.  
DR. HARTLEY
Excuse me a moment everyone...(He picks up receiver and presses a button on a small speaker box)....ah, yes, hello?  Oh, hi, Emily.  Hold on.  I'm, ah, putting you on speaker...ah, I mean...you're on--(He plays with button)...the air...
EMILY HARTLEY
(O/S) ...Oh, Bob...I don't want everyone to hear this.
DR. HARTLEY
But, ah, Emily honey...in, ah, group...we share everything.  I mean, Mrs. Hartley. Honey.
EMILY
(O/S) I'd prefer you didn't share me with anyone.  Take me off the speaker Bob...
DR. HARTLEY
Oh, okay...(presses button).  What's going on?  What.  What about Howard?  He's what? Well how did that happen?  Well what was he doing on our balcony?  Who?  You say his cousin was threatening to jump?  His cousin Howard?  He has a cousin who's also named "Howard"?  Howard Howard?  No...Howard, Howard...our Howard.  Howard Borden.  What?  What do you mean "what's confusing about this"?  What isn't, Mrs. Hartley? Ah, Mrs. Honey.  Who would name a kid Howard Howard?  No wonder he wants to jump.  Oh, that is why he wants to jump.  Listen honey, I need to jump off too.  No, the line.  Not the balcony.  I need to jump off the line.  You want me to pick up what for dinner?  Howard who?  Oh!  Howard Johnson's, right.  That would be fine--

ALEXANDRA
Who is this quack?  Can we just get on with whatever this is?  I need to get back to the spaceship to make sure that dumb Josie doesn't try to steal Alan away from me again!
VALERIE
He was never yours Alexandra; when will you--
DR. HARTLEY
I think, ah, we're getting a little--
BETTE DAVIS 
WHAT A DUMP!
DR. HARTLEY
I'm sorry, who are you?
BETTE
I'm Miss Davis and again I say: What A Dump!
DR. HARTLEY
What, ah, do you mean by "dump"?
BETTE
This place.  It's a stone cold dump.  No wonder this poor boy is beside himself.  This is supposed to be a mental hospital?  And you call yourself a doctor?  Where are the cigarettes? Get this Bay State boy a cigarette, RIGHT THIS MINUTE!
BLONDE NURSE
I'll go find the cigarette girl...
She dashes out of the room.
BETTE
Now, let's get to the meat of this Irish stew!  But first, he needs a drink!
BRUNETTE NURSE
We don't allow that, here at Silver Hill.  We feel it's necessa--
BETTE
DON'T TELL ME WHAT'S NECESSA!  I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S NECESSA!
VALERIE
I have a degree in chemistry. And I make a killer Tequillatini!
BETTE
Thannnnnnnnkkkk  Yooooou!!!
VALERIE
And here's Special Blog Guest Star, Mr. Stanley Tucci to help us out!
WILD APPLAUSE!
CHRIS
Hell's Yeah!

VALERIE
Let's hear it for Mr. Tucci!
WILD APPLAUSE!  as Valerie pours Tequilatinis for everyone.  Chris SMACKS his with relish.  The Blonde Nurse returns with JOAN CRAWFORD who is dressed as a 1940's Cigarette Girl.
JOAN
(As she glides across the room)  Cigars...cigarettes.  Cigars...cigarettes. 
Chris flags her down.
CHRIS
Do you have Parliaments?
JOAN
No Sir--
CHRIS
True?
JOAN
No Sir--
CHRIS
Kent?  (Joan shakes her head with each brand)  Vantage?  Kool Ultra-Lights?  Yves Saint Laurent?  Players?  Benson and Hedges Ultra Light Menthol?  No?  (More head shaking)  Merit?  Winston Ultra Lights?  Marlboro Lights?'
JOAN
Oh, wait.  I do have Vantage.
She offers him a pack.
JOAN
That'll be a dollar fifty.
CHRIS
Really?  Wow?  In my day, they're like ten times that!
He hands her the money and she hands him some matches.  He opens the pack and eagerly lights one.
DR. HARTLEY
Just when exactly is your time, Mr. Reidy?  Are you saying that allegorically?
CICELY TYSON
I'm telling you doctor, this cat is off of his rocker.  He's about to tell you--
CHRIS
Miss Tyson, I thought I could count on you as a fellow December Nineteenther...
CICELY
Not after you dragged me to that gawdawful broadway show with the trampolines!
CHRIS
Okay.  I'm sorry.  I made a mistake.  Look, Dr. Hartley; Miss Tyson was about to tell you that I was about to tell you that I'm from the future.
CICELY
No, I was about to tell him that you were about to tell him that some department store stole your Santa.

JOAN
Let's not forget Only Murders In the Building.
BETTE
Or Miss Fey and her Army of Clones!
JOAN
Or The English Teacher.
BETTE
Or that boy and his Daddy who's a puppet!  (Singing)  I've writtten a letter to Daddy Puppet; his address is ole' 30 Rock!
DR. HARTLEY
Okay, ah, I'm going to stop you all right there.  I have absolutely no idea what anyone is talking about.  Mr. Reidy, perhaps you could explain to the group?
CHRIS
Okay.  So, I'm from the future.  About fifty years, give or take...
DR. HARTLEY
Go on.
CHRIS
So, ahhm, I'm assuming you all have seen The Jetsons or the movie 2001?
ALEXANDER
We watched that on the spaceship, man!  It was a gas!  It was like we were living it!
ALEXANDRA
We were living it you bone-head!

CHRIS
Well, you know how they have like, talking computers and news on screens and giant TV's and robot vacuum cleaners?
ALL
Uhh-huh, yes, sure, you bet...etc.
CHRIS
Well, that stuff all comes true, more or less by my time.  And not only that; but the computers start to get real savvy and figure out what you're interested in: your likes.  Your wants and needs.  And they start tailoring what they show to you.  A kind of bespoke information stream.  So, it's as though the media of my time keeps showing me stuff that reminds me of other stuff...
DR. HARTLEY
What kind of stuff?
CHRIS
The kind of stuff I create; as a creative person.  I'm a writer and despite Miss Davis' claims that I suffer from paranoia; I seem to see a lot of my work come to fruition at the hands of other people.
DR. HARTLEY
At the hands of other people.  That's quite poetic.  But you mean stealing, yes?
CHRIS 
I eschew that word.
MR. CARLIN
Oh, don't be such a pussy!
Sebastian the cat LAUGHS his hissy laugh.
DR. HARTLEY
Mr. Carlin; I thought we talked about this.
MR. CARLIN
Oh, come on Dr. Hartley.  It's true.  He wouldn't say shit if he had a mouthful of it.  I know, let's write a haiku for him!
(Counts off syllables on fingers): 
Crazy man sits here
Puffing on a cigarette
Not admitting truth
CHRIS
What is the truth any more?  1984 is now a handbook; not a warning.  We've all fallen down to fucking Wonderland; so my truth is my truth; but why should anyone believe me if objective truth is now just a notion?
DR. HARTLEY
Who is "anyone"?
BETTE
For him, anyone is "no one"; since nobody reads this but him.  (To Chris)  Sorry dear; but I have to be honest.
The Frog Footman and the Fish Footman from Wonderland come into the room.  The Frog Footman holds a giant envelope.
FISH FOOTMAN
The envelope please...
FROG FOOTMAN
If you please; the envelope.
The Frog hands the the envelope to the Fish who opens it and removes the card.
FISH
And the winner is...
FROG
(Looks at card) And the winner is: Anora.
WILD APPLAUSE!
DR. HARTLEY
Who or what is "Anora"?
CHRIS
It's the movie that pretty much sweeps the Academy Awards in 2025: Best Picture, Best Actress, Best Director...
CICELY
Here it comes...
DR. HARTLEY
Here what comes?
CICELY
He's going to tell you it was all stolen from him--
DR. HARTLEY
Is that true Mr. Reidy?
CHRIS
I told you.  I eschew that word.  But let me ask you a question.
DR. HARTLEY
Okay.
CHRIS
Do you think these two women look alike? 
Chris pulls two photographs out of his robe and holds them up:

CHRIS
Well?
Dr. Hartley CLEARS HIS THROAT and shifts in his chair.

CFR   3/21/25

Please see: TOUGH LOVE IN NEW CANAAN Part 2 for next installment.

Tina F. is ready to pitch!  Can you catch what she's layin' down?

FADE UP:
INT. AD AGENCY CONFERENCE ROOM -DAY
Chris is escorted into the glass-walled room and shown a seat at the table.  He puts his Pink Lady down and takes his chair.  He puts his briefcase in front of him and unclasps the closures, which flip up with a crisp BOING as Tina F. enters the room in super-cahszh  businees attire.  She is followed by by Amy P. who is also quite comfy looking.  Amy spreads her spread-sheets out on the glass and pencils a pie-chart.

​CHRIS
I didn't realize this meeting was going to be quite this casual.
TINA
What are you talking about?
AMY
Yeah.  Just what are you getting at...what's your name?
CHRIS
Chrissy.
AMY
Yeah.  We're not calling you that.
TINA
Yeah, we don't know you like that.
CHRIS
Well, I feel I know you like that, what with those outfits--
AMY AND TINA 
Sexist!
CHRIS
Oh really?  Well, then you won't mind if I get a little more comfortable?
AMY
Nobody cares about you, old man.
TINA
Yeah, loser.
CHRIS
Okay, well, I've had a little work done..(Removes most of his clothes)...Oooh oui!  I feel more...com...for...ta...ble...!!! Stand back ladies!

Don Draper walks in and comes to a halt.  He looks around.
DON
Well, I know it's casual Friday, but this is--HOT!  Mind if I join you?
TINA, AMY AND CHRIS (SIMULTANEOUSLY)
NO!

Don gets comfy in beach wear.
DON
We could take this to the hot tub if you like.
TINA, AMY AND CHRIS
Yes!
At this point, a man in nothing but a cowboy hat enters.  This is STETTS TUBBS JR., son of Stetts Tubbs.
STJ
Did somebody say, "hot tub"?
DON
Yes.  Where did Stetts Sr. disappear to?
STJ
Daddy had to skeedaddle off to the coast, but I'll be happy to fill in for him, and those are some pretty big boots to fill!
CHRIS
I'll say!
DON
Right this way to the in-office hot tub..
Don presses a button and a wall opens, revealing a hot-tub/bar set-up, straight out of the Fountainbleu, circa 1962.  Or maybe a ski-resort...

AMY
But what about my flow charts?  And my pie graphs?  Not to mention my spread sheets?  They'll get moist--
TINA
Amy, can you not just go with the friggin' flow for once?  Jeez!
The group enter the hot tub.  Stets Jr. hangs back.
STJ
I like to back into hot tubs...bear with me...

CHRIS
​Works for me!  Now let's see the front!

DON
Jr., you're a chip off the old block!
STJ
Well thank you Donnie...
DON
And don't call me that.  And Amy, put away your pie graphs, because this is going to be a Riff-Sesh.
AMY
What's a "riff-sesh"?  I thought we were here to talk about the Ty-D-Bowl debacle.
DON
Ty-D-Bowl, schmeidy-bowl.  Think of this as a coming together, of sorts.  A Vulcan mind-meld.  Think of this roiling water as a sort of Primordial Soup of Ideas.  A Brain-Soup, if you will.  And you're soaking in it.
CHRIS
This room reminds me of my parent's honeymoon.
TINA
You were on your parent's honeymoon?
CHRIS
No, but I have a postcard they were on.
AMY
That they sent?
CHRIS
No.  They were actually on the postcard.  They were there in June and the hotel asked them to pose like they were on a ski trip.
DON
It's on the Power-Point.
CHRIS
It is?
DON
The Draper Agency is on the cutting edge.
CHRIS
But I thought this was Sterling, Cooper, Price, Waterhouse, Livingston, Gentry and Mishkin. Oh, and McMann and Tate.
DON
You'd be mistaken.
He points a remote at a screen and we see the following:

AMY
Which ones are your parents?
CHRIS
My dad is sitting at the piano and my mom's to his left.
TINA
He plays?
CHRIS
No.  Not even Chopsticks.
DON
Doesn't matter.  He's selling the sizzle.
CHRIS
Personally, I think the guy in the blue ski pants is selling the sizzle, DD!
DON
You can call me that.  And what I'm saying is that it doesn't matter if he can play or not.  If we think he can, he can.

CHRIS
I don't understand.  He can't and I know he can't and I'll never think he does.
DON
But you know him.  There are MILLIONS of people who don't; and it wouldn't take much to convince them he could.
CHRIS
How?
DON
By lying to them.  People will fall for a free lunch, every time. Every time. Especially if they think they're getting fries with it.  Even if the free lunch is poison and will kill them.
AMY
That's a bit much, don't you think?
DON
Okay, how about we go with indigestion?
He presses a button on a nearby console.  We hear the RECEPTIONIST'S VOICE.
RECEPTIONIST
Sterling, Cooper, Price, Waterhouse, McMann, Tate--
DON
Burt's not here today Joan; you can lose the greeting.  But can you come tend bar?
JOAN
Sure.  I've got nothing better to do...
DON
You're aces Joanie!
JOAN
That's good, DD; because aces beat kings.
DON
Every time, baby!  She's the best.  So, Chrissy Baby, Tina tells me you have an idea for a project for her.  Lay it on me--
TINA
It's a hard pass Don.
DON
Well, I wanna hear it.  We're soaking in it, remember?
He grabs a nearby bottle of Palmolive dishwashing liquid and squirts some into the water.  Bubbles ensue.

We hear joyful GIGGLES, WHEEEES, LAFFS and GUFFAWS.  Joan enters with a pad and pencil.
JOAN
What are you drinking, puh-leee-ahhhz?

DON
Joanie makes a killer Grasshopper!  You gotta try it!  Joan, could you whip us up a batch of Grasshoppers?
JOAN
It would make my life complete.
She goes to the bar and gets to work:

DON
So, Chrissy Babes; drop this 411 on me!  What ideas do you have for the Teenster over here?
CHRIS
Okay, so, I think Tina should be the new face of Kroger Brand Chicken In a Bisquit Crackers!  
DON
Kroger?  She's a Big Star; at the very least, don't you think it should be for Nabisco?
TINA
Yeah.  Only top-shelf chicken crackers for this gal!
DON
You know, I don't think Nabisco has run ads for that product outside of Australia since the late 80's.  Never in the States.
He clicks his remote:

AMY
Wow, DD...you really know your stuff!
STJ
That's why they pay him the big ole' bucks, buckaroos!  YEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAHHHHH!
DD
But you know, Chrissy; you might be on to something.  What with soaring inflation, people are always going to turn to in-house brands to save a little money; and Tina could be the first in a whole new playing field.  But I believe Kroger just changed the packaging from this:

DD
​To this...

DD
That chicken is a problem...
CHRIS
How so?
DD
Well, the chicken industry is having serious problems right now and that chicken seems to be saying: "Oh yeah, what are you gonna do about it?"  In my experience, I find that people prefer cute cocks.
CHRIS
Really?  I don't particularly want to be reminded of the misery an animal goes through to end up on my plate.
DD
I agree; but research bears out the opposite.

TINA
Now I'm gonna have that song stuck in my head.
At this point, Joan distributes Grasshopper cocktails to the group.  They all sip and nod in agreement: MMMM, DELISH!

CHRIS
I brought an outfit and some props if Tina would like to get a feel for them.  The're in that Kroger shopping bag...
TINA
Really?  Like right now?
STJ
Strike while the iron's hot little lady...Brand X!

Tina *SIGHS*, gathers up some bubbles, demurely exits the tub, grabs the bag and goes behind a screen.  

TINA
Ready?
ALL
Ready!
Tina steps out from behind the screen:

DON
Hmmmm.
AMY
That is one giant cock!
DON, STETTS JR. AND CHRIS (SIMULTANEOUSLY)
Thanks.
TINA
Ya know...I don't hate it.
DON
There's too much negative space on the apron.  We could put an adorable chicken on it.  What do you think Tina?
TINA
(Doing Groucho) Why, I haven't had an adorable chicken since my honeymoon!
CHRIS
And I gotta say, that is one adorable chicken you got there Tina.  You better watch out.  He's one of my hall passes.
TINA
You keep my chicken's cluck, out ya mouth, bitch!
CHRIS
I love how you guys swap eyeglasses; and speaking of eyes...I could just get lost for days in those peepers!

​AMY
You better watch it Reidy.  The Teens doesn't play around when it comes to her man.  She's Greek.
CHRIS
So?
AMY
They kinda invented revenge.
CHRIS
Oh, right (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Ha ha. Anyways; I'm just yanking her chain.  And to make up for it, I'll even pose on the box with you Tina!
TINA
Don't tell me.  You brought an outfit?
CHRIS
Bingo-bongo!
Chris gathers up some suds and demurely disappears behind the screen.

CHRIS (O/S)
Ready?
ALL (EXCEPT TINA)
Yes!
TINA
Whatever...
Chris steps out from behind the screen.
CHRIS
I call this look: "Le Coq Sportif"!

CHRIS
That picture quality sucks...I'll find a better copy...oh, hold on...(Looks at his phone)...I gotta cut this short.  I have to pop off to the greater Boston area; but I'll be back in a few days to continue this Riff-Sesh. Ciao for now!
He runs out.
STETTS
You know, I like him...but is he, you know...(does air quotes)...all there?
TINA
(Rips drumstick off of chicken)  Do we care? Chicken anyone?
Everyone nods and Tina drops the chicken into the hot-tub.  Don dips his finger in, tastes, nods again and does a "chef's kiss."

FADE FROM BLACK:
We watch as Chris 'Chrissy Baby" Reidy winds, wends and wafts his way down Lexington Avenue, crowded with people.  Behind him, as though narrating, is Woody Allen, speaking into a micro-cassette recorder:

They arrive at the steps leading down to 601 Lexington.  Woody CLICKS off his recorder.  Chris turns to him.
CHRIS
Thanks for that, Wood-Man.  Much appreeche.  Now, are you sure this building won't blow over in the wind?
WOODY
I wouldn't know. I only go inside buildings with less than five stories.
CHRIS
Is that even possible, in this apple we call The Big?
Woody shrugs.
WOODY
You go ahead and go in.  I'll catch up with you later in the week.
And with that, he disappears into the throngs.
Chris looks up at the building, clicks his tongue and heads down the stairs.

CUT TO:
INT. LOBBY -DAY
We see the elevator doors open and Chris alights on the 59th floor.  He crosses the gleaming whte floor and approaches a desk where a busty red-head sits beneath a sign in brass letters that reads: STERLING, COOPER, PRICE, WATERHOUSE, MCMANN, TATE, LIVINGSTON, GENTRY AND MISHKIN.  The RECEPTIONIST holds up an index finger as the phone RINGS and she answers.
RECEPTIONIST
Sterling, Cooper, Price, Waterhouse, McMann, Tate, Livingston, Gentry and Mishkin; how may I direct your call?  Oh, yes, he's in a meeting right now, can I take a message?  Yes.  Of course.  Four o'clock on the fifth.  Good-bye.  (She looks up at Chris) Can I help you?
CHRIS
I have a meeting at three with Don Draper.  Chris Reidy...
RECEPTIONIST
Right.  Can I get you something to drink?
CHRIS
I'd love a Pink Lady.
RECEPTIONIST
Well, they're my specialty...
She stands and escorts Chris to a Barcelona chair, where he sits. The receptionist disappears behind a sliding panel and returns with a well stocked bar cart.

She whips up a Pink Lady with the speed and alacrity of a seasoned barkeep.  She hands it to Chris.  The phone RINGS and she answers it from a phone on a side table.
RECEPTIONIST
Sterling, Cooper, Price...(etc. etc. )  Stets is out of the bathroom?  Great, I'll send Mr. Reidy in.  They're ready to start, if you want to follow me.
CHRIS
This drink is delish!
RECEPTIONIST
Thanks.  You really want to get egg-whites from brown eggs; because brown eggs are local eggs and local eggs are fresh!  (She taps an earbud as the phone RINGS)  Sterling, Cooper...(etc.) Tina and Amy are here?  Great, I'm bringing Mr. Reidy down now.
CHRIS
Do you have to say the firms's name in it's entirety, every time you answer the phone?
RECEPTIONIST
Yep.  And when Mr. McMann was alive we had to add: "...where we're more than an ad agency!" And if it was a holiday we had to add seasonal things like: "...where Dad's are dandy..." if it was say, Father's Day.
CHRIS
Really?
RECEPTIONIST
Really.  Do you know how many phone calls we get a day?  I had to put people on hold, just so I could say the entire greeting.
She steers Chris down a Lucite stariway to the floor below and down a corridor.  A man in a cowboy hat is pacing the hall.  He is STETS TUBBS; all-purpose businessman.  He points to a door marked MEN.
STETS
I wouldn't go in that bathroom anytime soon if I were you, little filly!
​RECEPTIONIST
I don't usually use the men's room; but thanks for the heads up, Mr. Tubbs.
STETS
Yeee-haaaah! (LOUD BRAYING LAUGH)

Please see "Ad-Ed Value" Pt. 2, for next installment.

CFR   3/4/25

Ya know, I love a good cliche.  Here's one: "You really do learn something new every day!"  And I think that's true; particularly if you set out to find something new.  For instance, lately I've become...I won't say "obsessed" with Vincent Van Gogh; but very much moved by him and his work in a way I never was before.  Why?  Hmmmmm, I'm not sure.  Let's explore that.  But first, here's one of the new things I learned on a recent day.  There is an artist named Lynette Yiadom-Boakye who I'd never heard of before, that I stumbled upon when I had the thought: "Did Van Gogh ever paint any black people?"
Here she is with one of her paintings:

You know what I really like about the above picture?  That Ms. LYB is smiling.  Why is it in so many pictures of artists (most), they are scowling like they just learned they have jock itch?  Of course, there are plenty of Ms. LYB not smiling; but at least it's not all of them:

So, what's the connection to Vincent VG?

Well, color for one.  I recently came across a self-portrait I did that I'd forgotten about; it was very similar to the one above, although I was not consciously trying to emulate Van Gogh.  I would post it here; but of course, now that I'm looking for it, I can't find it.  My studio (talk about a hot mess) is in a state of flux right now.  Nothing is lost in Christian Science (say it aloud, three times).  So, when I asked HAL 9000 if VVG had ever painted black people, it brought me to his painting, The Potato Eaters:

And several others like Head of a Young Peasant with Pipe:

It seems there's no definitive answer.  There are a lot of question posed on line, like: Was Van Gogh a Racist?  I don't know; but I want to do some further reading.  So, when I was doing this research, the image of a painting popped up and I was immediately drawn to it:

Veridian green is one of my favorite colors; so it was that and the striking stark directness of the image.  I wanted to know more.  The painting is called A Passion Like No Other.  When you start to look at her portraits, you can't help but notice the connection between her and Van Gogh: the colors, the directness and so forth...

So, apparently, Ms. YB's reputation recedes her (for me).  She commands super high prices, I would imagine, for a living artist; and I say: More Power To Her!
She apparently was asked at some point to curate a show and pick the paintings in it.  She chose this work, by David Hockney:

I don't think that painting could be any less Hockney and any more Van Gogh, than an actual Van Gogh:

I think this is an interesting correlation.  I once did a little portrait of Ving Rhames, and when it came to doing the coloring, I did some experimenting.  I found that if you combine blue and orange, you get brown...so that's what I did...but I left some of the coloring unmixed and I thought the effect was really cool, so I left it.

In any event, I'm super happy that Ms. Y-B is able to get upwards of a million dollars for a painting!  No wonder she's smiling!

I read in one piece about her that the subjects of her paintings often don't exist.  She imagines them and then paints them. Let's hear what she has to say about it...

OMG, I'm in love.  She's as direct about her work as the actual work.  I'm glad I've discovered her.
Ciao for now.
And Happy Black History Month!
Your friend,
Chris Reidy

CFR   2/25/25