I have not watched this interview yet.  Let's all watch it together, shall we?

Thoughts:
-Why didn't someone pluck that thread from your right shoulder?  Particularly someone from Women's Wear Daily?  I mean, after 30 seconds, it's all you see.
-You say you're friendly, like a dog is and not needy, like a cat; to paraphrase.  Okay, cats are FAMOUSLY NOT needy (which Ms. Callahan may have pointed out as well).  Then, later on you say people annoy you and then even further on that you "hate" when people come up to you to tell you...what...how great thou art?

So what is it Jon?  Are you a friendly dog or a misanthrope?  You're really sending out mixed messages here.  How about we land on mostly friendly dog who growls when you go near him when he's eating?
You seem to be down on yourself for not being a good hockey player, which I'm guessing you would be "good" at it...because...Jon Hamm?  But if you can't even skate, period; how would you know?  But I hear yah dude.  I can't ice skate either and I'm from Massachusetts.  Home of the Bruins.  Only 217 miles from Canada.  IT IS MY SECRET SHAME.  There, I said it.  And this begs the question...if you could ice skate and at least pretend to play hockey...would you accept a role on HEATED RIVALRY as the randy COACH OF TEAM SWEDEN who comes between(!) Shane and Ilya and eventually involves them in a QUADRUPPLE(TM/Reg./Pat.Pend/All Rights Reserved) along with Francois?

And when you are asked what your sign is, you claim you have "no idea" what Pisces "are."  Now, I'm prone to either/or here:

I either completely don't believe that or I do believe it; as I've spent the last 27 years with a Pisces and he doesn't know. Why?  Because he doesn't care to.  In fact, I have three Pisces that loom large in my life.  Five if you include Cindy Wilson and her late brother Ricky from The B-52's.  And here is my summation of that.  IMHO the common factor amongst Pisceans is secrecy. Or more precisely: secretiveness. Think of a fish that veils itself in another organism or is so elusive that discovery of it's actual existence is fairly recent.  The Ghost Shark for instance (or Chimera):

And let us not forget that sharks, piranhas and barracudas are all fish.
And finally, we come to this, from earlier in the W interview

But are we "the sum" of all our decisions, good and bad?  It seems as though you made some really bad decisions in November of 1990 and that they really haven't become part of that sum.  It seems as though you got away with something and the only thing you regret about it is that it was found out later on.  When you were famous.  When you were "Jon Hamm."  Or was it when you were "Don Draper"?  Because it seems as though those two things have not only become interchangeable; but now, perhaps, one and the same.  And we will get to November of 1990.  Perhaps we already should have.  Perhaps I'm putting it off because I want to be in denial about it.  But I have a few more observations about Jon Hamm, the person, that I want to examine.  So, bear with me.
Jon, Ms. Callahan, in her appraisal of this W interview (I have to say) got a little too personal.  She went after your physical personage as well as your persona; implying that perhaps because of your advanced age, you might be utilizing foundation garments.  In other words: Man-Spanx.  First of all...if you are "old" at 55, then I must be ancient pushing 61.  But here I think Ms. Callahan is merely succumbing to our culture's tenaciously ingrained AGEISM. And you can't see below your neck here, so what would she even base that on?  I wonder how old she is?  Oh, she's 56.  I guess we're all in the same sandbox, more or less. So, while we're on this topic, I think I should mention Ms. Kathy Griffin, who is now 65.  She likes you even less than Ms. Callahan does; but she seems to have good reason.

So that's Ms. Griffin in 2005, which is around the time that you supposedly were at a dinner party along with her and Jack Nicholson.  As she tells it, Jack started talking to her about The Departed which he was then filming.  According to her, you began to whisper in her ear (apparently you were all sitting on the floor around Sue Mengers coffee table) mostly about how "old" she was.  You were supposedly in your cups, big time.  I have the feeling Ms. Griffin might be something of a fabulist; but I think she's not embellishing this tale.  You also may have insulted her looks at some point, calling her "ugly," perhaps.  This seems to be in question; but if true; I gotta hit the time-out button here.  So, Kathy Griffin is not exactly Jaclyn Smith.  Who is?  But the thing is...people who have been #blessed with the Beauty Gene are NOT ALLOWED to "punch down" at those who are not on their beauty plateau.  You, Jon, are arguably on a very high crag of the Mount Olympus of Looks.

And frankly, Jon, insulting a woman by whispering in her ear about her advanced age is...here we go again...kinda gay.  Actually, it's something a "bitchy queen" would do.  And I can say that because, believe me, I have a lot of experience with "bitchy queens," and I'm not excluding myself.  I've had my moments.  What?  Were you jealous that Jack was talking to Kathy and not you?  Kinda sounds like it.
And speaking of looks; and I'm not trying to be an asshole here, just honest, because I think this issue reveals a lot about a man's character.  We need to talk about your hair.  Your hair has maintained more or less flawless perfection since at least Mad Men.  But if we look at your noggin' early in your career (and even on The Big Date)  it seems that your hairline was quite a bit higher than it is now.  And as a man who is follicularly challenged and challenged with a Bela Lugosi hairline starting around 18 in particular, I can speak of this.  And there is a lot of online speculation about this.  And of course, Ms. Callahan is convinced of it: that you partake in the fine art of male hair restoration.  The very fine art, apparently because if those luscious locks are not really yours; then they are state of the art amaze-balls.  I have to say though, that even back during Mad Men in it's first run, I would sometimes look at your hair and think...ahhh...that's just a little too perfect.  A little too luscious.  There are pictures of you with your dad and he was quite bald.  But that doesn't necessarily mean anything.  Don't they say for a man to look at his mother's father to see what his hair holds in his future?  In my case, this is true.  But in my experience it can go either way.  The point is this: if you are sporting a full-on or partial hair assist and not copping to it; furthering the pretense that it's your actual hair; well, to me that speaks of inherent dishonesty.  It's the difference between a say...William Shatner and a Joel McHale...or a Frank Sinatra and a John Malkovich.
You know Jon, I'm starting to feel as though I'm picking you apart.  That this is becoming a "hit piece."  No.  I'm trying to be as detailed in my analysis as possible.  It's only fair.  Maybe this will give you some personal insights you might not have pondered...ever.
Since I've become aware of you via Mad Men and what with my interest in all things Show Biz; I've also become tangentially aware of your "image"; how you, Jon Hamm, are portrayed in the media.  In the culture.  By your team.  By yourself.  And the gist of it is/was, that you came from humble beginnings.  That you possess humility by the bucketload.  Just a salt of the earth Missourian who loaded up the truck and then moved to Beverly.  Waited tables.  Auditioned 'til you lost your voice.  And then the Big Breakthrough.  But is that true?  Really?  Jon, the high school you went to, John Burroughs, is like the one of the (if not the most) elite, exclusive and expensive high schools in Missouri.  It's like the Harvard of MO high schools.  It cost nearly $40,000.00 a year.

Maybe you got tuition assistance...but still.
Jon, not only did you get into this ritzy school; you were on three athletic teams.  Football, baseball and swimming!

I find these pictures telling:

Like why do you need to be so much taller than everyone else here?  You already would've been the tallest.  Like...why?

And here you are, again calling attention to your height by pointedly crouching down in this clearly posed picture.  Why didn't you and the guy behind you just switch places?  Or why didn't you just step down beside glasses guy?  Like...why not?
Okay, maybe I am being a little nit-picky here.  Maybe a little bitchy.  But still.
So then you managed to get into highly competitive University of Texas at Austin and even though that school requires 90 percent of it's student body to be native Texans, you got in.  To major in English.  Ah, okay...

And then you got into a fraternity.  Sigma Nu.  A fraternity that was founded at The Virginia Military Institute (which interestingly is quite close to where I now reside).  

Well that's kinda scary...
Which brings us to November of 1990 which we'll have to look at in yet another blog.  
Please see: Jon Hamm vs. Don Draper / Part 3 for the next installment.

CFR   6/30/26

I am not really someone to judge.  I'm not perfect.  I've done things I'm not proud of.  That I regret.  And I'm not here to judge you Jon Hamm.  I consider myself a supporter.  A fan.  A fan since Mad Men.  But just a few days ago I learned of something you were involved in that I had absolutely zero idea about.  That I think a lot of people don't know about.  Something that has, unfortunately caused me to have to utterly reevaluate what I think of you.  Not just as an actor; but a fellow human being.  But even before that...
About a year ago this commercial started running for some car resell place and you were in it and I have to say...it left a real sour taste in my mouth.  It made me go, hmmmmmmm, because it seemed to reveal an aspect of your personality that I suspected might be there, that I didn't want to be there.  Let's look at it and remember; you are playing yourself here.  Jon Hamm.

So...what?  You're shining this man on because...why?  Because he's a nerdy, homely, loser that someone like you; who is most decidedly not a nerdy, homely, loser would never really be friends with.  You're just being nice to him because you have to?  You're calling him utterly insincere nicknames like "Gar-Bear" and lying to him about your pending attendance at his party  because why would JON HAMM ever go to a party hosted by a homely, nerdy, loser like "Gar-Bear"?  Jon...you do not come across well in this commercial.  Did you not learn anything in your eight years of playing Don Draper?
But then Don Draper's whole persona was a sham, wasn't it?  And I'm not saying you're a "sham," Jon.  If I recall correctly, "Don Draper" wasn't even Don Draper.  If I recall correctly, he stole a dead guy's identity somehow during the Korean War.  The entire point of "Don Draper" was that he was an empty shell.  Someone "faking it 'til they're making it."  So Don Draper was a walking, talking metaphor for what is the utter facade of advertising: selling stuff to people that they don't need by convincing them they need it. Don was a faker who was really good at intuiting how to fool people.  But I think even he would've realized that having a celebrity play themself as an insincere dissembler would be a mistake.  Or am I wrong?  Would Don Draper have instinctively known that having that celebrity "lean into" the inherently phony aspect of their being would be something that the masses would lap up, because most of them know too that "Jon Hamm" would never really be their friend; let alone deign to even address them from his front yard (and we'll get back to that).  But wouldn't it be "fun" to think that they might be the exception?  It seems "Gar-Bear" has made some in-roads.  Maybe I can too!
Jon, I am not here to armchair psychologize you.  No, wait.  I am here to armchair psycho-analyze you.  Now I am not a trained psychologist or psychiatrist nor have I played one on TV.  But that doesn't seem to have stopped Dr. Phil, so what the fudge?  Firstly, I want us to look at the following clip from 1996 which was six years on from the 1990 incident (which I will address shortly) and eleven years away from Mad Men.  I think this is key in figuring out "who" you are.  And let me just state that I am not trying to be glib or funny here.  I am very serious about this; but I can't say humor won't creep it's way in.  And I found this in it's entirety and I suggest we all watch the whole thing for full context.

Okay, so I watched episode 50 of 1996's The Big Date and here are my thoughts:
How did apparent Douche-in-Training, Mark L. Walberg end up becoming most famous for his sedate tenure on the equally sedate Antiques Roadshow?  You know what?  I'm just gonna number these and then answer them if I feel they should have a response.
2. I really like Mark's outfit by "Bernini," as it is actually quite good.  I love the single inverted pleat on a pant.  I do feel, however, he should have worn either a crewneck style top or a necktie with the dress-shirt.
3. Is Bernini still a thing?
-Yes.  They have a website.
4. Do they have single inverted pleat pants on their website?
-I could not find any on the website but they do have an inventory that ranges from 100 dollar sweat pants to this: 

5. Is Jon Hamm the "Best Looking" guy on the panel of potential daters as he was named "Best Looking" in his high school yearbook; and does this designation transfer to the "Big Time"?
-There seems to be online confusion as to whether Jon or actor Paul Rudd was named Best Looking in their shared(?) h.s. yearbook. I concur with Mr. Walberg and I would also say that the three men are equally good looking in different ways.  Jon is not a clear stand-out, clearly; as he was not picked and did not move on to The Big Date.  And I can totally live without the frosted hair look of that era.  It looked good on no one.
6. Why was Jon not picked?
-Well, contestant "Mary" comes right out and says he was one of the three that did not really acknowledge her by shaking her hand.  Which may not be fair.  We don't know what Jon was told or not told to do.  He may simply have been nervous.  His response does seem to be born of discomfit.  Now Mary does go on some bit about having a "foot fetish" but it is unclear as to her deeper meanings.  Is this fetish for her own feet and having them massaged?  Is it for her potential paramour's feet and massaging those?  Is it both?  And does it go beyond massage.  If she really had a true foot fetish, wouldn't one think that she'd zero in on the fellow with the biggest dogs; perhaps via the dubious sagery that tall men usually have Big Feet and ergo, Big _______s?  I think this warrants a really deep dive because I don't take lightly this business of dissecting someone's personality.  Particularly someone I don't know; although you are a public figure, Jon.  And also someone I do know: at least never in a public forum, in such cases.  So let's get a look at our three fellahs from head to toe in repose:

Clearly Jon is the tallest and clearly has the biggest feet.  He also has the God-given slenderosity of most 25 year-old men.  Love that deconstructed shirt Jon is wearing (it's what Mark W. really should have had on; speaking of which: upon further inspection; Mr. Walberg's pants are not single pleated, so my bad on that score). I would and still do wear that style shirt with the sleeves rolled up.  Jon seems decidedly gangly here, but they all do.  Those chairs seem ill-designed; eliciting a sort of ill-at-easeness in the sitters.  And Jon seems to be succumbing to the very tall person's tendency to slouch; or retract themselves.  He's pushing 6 foot 2 here.  Conversely, tall people (particularly men) will go the opposite way with their height  in order to dominate, steal focus; or sometimes intimidate.  But why is Jon doing that childish thing with his feet?  It's hard to say; but my take away is that he is very self-aware.  
I think we also must ponder Jon's response to the question they are all asked.  This is the only time he speaks (at 1.23 mark):

I'm just gonna be honest here Jon.  You come off a little gay.  I don't know if it's the hair or the overuse of the word "fabulous"; but I can understand how Mary might've been like: "Aaaahhh, okay...this guy could be high maintenance...next..."  And of course, I could be wrong, because how could she not have noticed your feet?  It seems she sparked with the guy who she first physically connected with.  And he does seem like the most sincere of the three of you...that he's there to actually meet a woman and not perhaps, garner a little TV exposure.  I mean you were in Los Angeles pursuing acting; and here I will give you points.  Most aspiring actors in Los Angeles who were making ends meet by waiting tables probably would not have told the producers of The Big Date to announce them as a waiter.  Unless they were doing the "false humility" thing.  But we'll put that on hold for now.
7. How can we interpret Jon's body language after he has been relegated to the back-burner for the remainder of the show?
-Well, it's difficult as his on-camera presence is practically nil for the rest of the proceedings; and believe me Jon, I can relate!  All of my scenes on Wings ended up on the cutting room floor.  It was like that cameraman had a vendetta against me.  Like, did I have bats in the cave or something?!!?  Bastards! 
​We can see your hands several times:

The above is a shot of your hands as you belatedly join in for the applause once Mary picks Marc "the Stuntman."  But while the crowd goes as nuts as though a new crowned head of Europe is chosen; you, Jon, engage in the super-slow clap which has come to be shorthand for disdain.  You seem to be already checking out of the proceedings.  You're also jiggling your right knee to beat the band, which I think is a sort of Universally accepted sign of anxiety and/or boredom and/or impatience.  It's clear you are not happy about the way things are going.  IMHO.  You did however, I must mention, exchange some interesting interactions with the blonde guy.  
After Mary pretty much chastises you and Marcus for not shaking her hand, you turn to Marcus and nudge him and pull a face.  You're blaming him for what happened, in other words.  Yes, in a lighthearted bro-bro way; but placing blame on the other guy is there on a base level:

Perhaps feeling guilty for this when Marcus is chosen by the next lady player "Shonia," you offer a bro-bro low-high-five-kinda-fist-bump thing which Marcus accepts perhaps somewhat grudgingly...? This can be seen at the 8:40 mark.

And can I just say here that the more I look at Marcus, frosted tips or not; that he is truly handsome in that kind of 100 year-storm way?  He's like early Zac Efron: and somehow even prettier!  He's like the Magic Earring Ken Doll come to life!

He may not have an earring; but he sure has uber-nibble-able ear lobes!

So then, Shonia has to pick someone...right?  Let me revisit...please hold...

There is discussion about whether Marcus has described Shonia as being either "sparkly" or "twinkly."  It's twinkly.  But then it seems Mark W. makes a sly dig at Jon's masculinity by wondering if Mr. Hamm may not himself be "twinkly."  He's already used the "fabulous" thing a couple of times ("weaponized" the word against Jon, that is) and the more I watch, the more of a douche I think Mr. W. is being.  In any event, by this time, Jon is doing everything he can to hide a scowl:

I know I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of this death glare, just sayin.'

In any event, by the end of the whole mess, you're smiling...I'm guessing because you're simply glad the whole mess is finished and behind you.  I mean, how could you have known that 30 years later the entire "episode" would be being analyzed on some guy from Boston's MySpace page.  Even though MySpace was still eight years away.  
So overall, what's my vibe from this?  Well, nobody likes losing.  Weknowdis.  But I get the retroactive groove that Jon Hamm really doesn't like losing.  I get the feeling he's not used to it.
Which brings us to the Fall of 1990.  Or should that be "back to" that time?  We haven't really talked about that.  You certainly haven't Jon.  No one has, really; because if I, a fan, who somewhat follows your career didn't find out until now; then somebody has been doing their damndest to keep it under the rug. And successfully too. Quite.
​I found out about it via this woman; one Ms. Maureen Callahan:

Jon...
This lady really does not like you.  It seems that if she had her druthers, she'd have your balls in a Mason jar Or perhaps a Minute Maid Zero Sugar bottle...

I am not here to give Ms. Callahan Free Publicity; but I will say I admire her outspokenness.  I came across her quite accidentally and I'm guessing some bespoke algorithmming (algorimming(?(!!)) by my pal and yours, HAL 9000.  You see I was doing some "research/hate-watching" of her boss; one Ms. Megyn Kelly and thus the computer put her in front of my eyeballs (that is, Ms. C.) and then her expose on you, Jon.  I like that she unapologetically "goes after" those who do not "sit well" with her; but might I suggest for Ms. Callahan a "physician heal thyself" style scenario; and propose that she perhaps look in the mirror and produce an at least three-episode "journalistic investigation" into her own employer, Ms. Kelly. 

Why does the above remind me of the following...?

That aside.  Ms. Callahan recently went off on a video interview you did for W.
Let me see if I can find that.  Please hold...

Okay, I found it.  But this blog is getting kinda long (that's what they said (about Jon Hamm!).  So, please see: WILL THE REAL JON HAMM PLEASE STAND UP / PART 2 for the next entry in this vein(!).

CFR   6/29/26

(Contains celebrity nudity and aspiring "Blog-lebrity" nudity...parental discretion is advised...)
​*$249,999.22

That is what you owe me, Matthew, for the original etching of your nose and mouth which is now officially titled: Matt's Mug With Toothbrush.  That is, with the shipping charge officially waived.

Okay Matt.  I have a question for you, since we've been talking about onscreen nudity.  Were you on the Oppenheimer set the day they filmed this scene?

Now, clearly Emily Blunt was involved in the proceedings.  And of course Mr. Murphy and Ms. Pugh.  And as I recall, there were at least four or five gentlemen as well, in this scene.  I'm not, however, sure whether you were in it or not.  I'm just like super curious about Emily Blunt's acting choices here.  I mean, it was supposed to have been in her character's imagination, right?  Sure.  But how long did Emily have to actually sit in that corner and watch this office chair intercourse(!).  Or the other actors in the scene?  Did Emily have, like a "back of the head" stand-in? Or was like, the set cleared and it was just Flo and Cills?  But if I also recall correctly, we see this scene from Emily's POV and those other actors can be seen at the table whilst Flo and Mr. Murphy knock boots next to the conference table.  Were modesty briefs utilized here?  Did Ms. Pugh have a modesty bra (or at least modesty pasties?)?  Probably not, since Ms. Pugh has that whole "Free the Nipple" policy happening (is she still doing that?); and as my friend Terry Sue Starker would've said: "Cillian Murhpy...he will give you bush!" And everything else, apparently!  Now Matt, you have happily given butt; but I don't believe you've ever given bush.  Hold on...
Hey HAL...has Matt Damon ever given bush?

Yes!  Now we can all say it: "Matt Damon.  He will give you bush!"
And apparently Ms. Pugh will give you major "side-boob," too!

Wow!  Flo is bustin' out all over.  Boobs, bush and butt!  Now that's a Trinity Project!  
And Emily, after further research, seems to have done her fair share of nudity and high fashion looks like the following:

Emily Blunt. She will give you red-carpet under-boob!
Which is not something you see every day...
​Oh what the hell, I might as well join the party too!  Let me go find some of me giving bush!
Now, I don't do this for just anyone Matthew...but here goes...​

Now, granted, I'm not giving a lot of bush here; but then, neither were you in Behind the Candelabra.  But I say this: Never hide your light under a bushel basket!  Or perhaps: Never hide your bush behind a candelabra. Or maybe even: Don't ever hide your bush beneath a bushel basket or behind or even beside a candelabra!  I hope you don't mind if I take the liberty of giving both of us more bush to give:

Or how about burning bushes?!!?

Mine looks more like mustard and ketchup splotches.
Oh Matt...perhaps I've taken too many liberties.
Let's get back to what we started talking about.  The VF/Weber cover story and it's accompanying pix. So the first thing we see is this double page man-spread, spread.  Here is the left page: 

Okay Matt...
Since we've already let our hair down as far south as it can go; let's just be real here.  Like, honest.  Come on:
"Meet Matt Damon"?  The text hovering over your crotch.  And in case you didn't get the double entendre; let's position the text so that the "ME" in "Meet" and the "AT" in Matt spell "MEAT" like the Robert Indiana "LOVE" sculpture displays that word:

And then why is the coat positioned that way?  Why was a photo chosen where your face was partially obscured?  Why does it look, quite frankly like you've you got a phallus in your face?  Why is your left hand positioned where it looks like you just finished or are about to start fapping your "coat flap"?  Why are you in a military jacket with military medal bars on it?  Now, I don't think you were in the Army.  But were you in the Navy?

You know who else wasn't in the Navy?  Dean Spencer:

Who is Dean Spencer?  He starred in Code of Conduct (a Falcon Video joint) the year before your Weber shoot and I can't help but draw comparisons.  I betcha Bruce had seen it.  I know I did...on a loop!!!
​Know who else wasn't in the military?  Bruce Weber:

No wonder Top Gun is such a homoeroto-fest!  Yes.  He liked his boys in uniform!  And who doesn't?!!?

Here is the double page spread:

So, the picture on the right has your pants unzipped and a flower stuck in your crotch.  Bruce's idea?  Don't tell me...it's a rosebud.  And I don't really get that picture.  As far as I know you're not a song and dance man.  Unless we count your rendition of "Afternoon Delight" from Good Will Hunting; but perhaps that doesn't count.  Hey, wait a second...

OH!  PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE tell me that The Odyssey is actually a MUSICAL and they haven't been revealing that in the promos!  OH, I BESEECH THEE, EUTERPE: LET US REVEL IN THE MUSIC OF THE ITHACANS!

Then there's this picture:

No real comments here, as I too enjoy the donning of Japanese garments and balancing cups (in my case, athletic cups) on my head.  I do not, however, understand or condone this picture:

I can only see this as condoning Irish hooliganism as a result of the positioning of your character "Will Hunting" as Irish and thusly yourself.  Now, if you had done the whole false eyelash, A Clockwork Orange thing, that woulda been different.  But you didn't.

Here is another Weber portrait which was not part of the '97 VF article but might as well have been.  And again, your pants are undone for no good reason.  And this begs the question: are you putting them on; or taking them off.  And are you wearing your modesty briefs?  And you should've punched whoever did that to your hair.  It's dumb. 
But do not fear, my friend...I will be seeing The Odyssey at my local AMC (I'm a Stubbs member!).  Will there be any tie-ins?  Like a Greek column shaped popcorn bucket or something?

Tzatziki Nachos, maybe?

We can only hope!  

Matt...that picture on the left is fantastic.  But the one on the right?  Sir, you need to stand up for yourself and stop doing whatever these stylists ask of you.  I mean, I know you're a nice guy and you spread cheer and appreciation like every day is October 17th...but sometimes you just have to put your foot down.
And Matt...if this picture is a hit and Chris Nolan decides to do The Iliad...please...I beg of you...TALK HIM OUT OF IT.  I had to read it in college and I still have residual brain lapses from it.
That is all (for now...).
Ciao!
Your pal, 
Chrissy

CFR   6/22/26

Hey Matt Damon...'Memba this?

I do!  I actually drew you from this image.  Well, most of your nose and mouth and part of that toothbrush(!).  This image keeps coming back to haunt me.  Well, maybe "haunt" is not quite the right word.  How about we make up a new word because I can't think of something precise enough to describe the feeling.  It's got to be a word that captures...inspiration...melancholy...hope...excitement...artistic desire...
How about: ENSPIRATHRALLATIONATHEREAL.  Yeah.  I love it.  Wrap it up and ship it!  Speaking of shipping.  I'll absorb the shipping costs for your original art piece pour moi once I receive your check for purchase.*  In the meantime, I thought it might be a kicky gas to do a couple of things.
First...
I thought we might compare my etching to the photographic source material I worked from.  Let's see...

I reserve reserving judgment to you Matt.
Now, the other thing I wanted to do is this: I came across the Vanity Fair archive which contains the pages with this original article.  I propose we revisit this what could only have been a heady time for certainly you; but also, the entirety of the Global Moviegoing Public!
Now this is where things get really interesting.  I always thought this photograph was by Annie Leibovitz; but Hal is informing me that it was actually taken by one Mr. Bruce Weber.  Curiouser and curiouser!
The original article was there but I didn't reread it and I'm not going to repost it here.  I'm sure I read it in 1997 when I had the magazine in front of me, although that's not necessarily true.  I have never liked magazine "profiles" on celebrities.  Nine times out of ten they are just PR dispatches and the accompanying interviews are pap.  Stuff about the person's latest project.  Or if they're an actor, their "process."  Or just sort of generalizations about whatever, that are posited as being way more important than they actually are.  Like, Matthew McConnawaze waxing philosophic about how playing the bongo drums while "Donald Ducking" it, whilst tripping balls; somehow connects you with the deeper metaphysics of the Universe.  Blecchh.  I'm sure the cover story on you was all about your Rising Star and something along the lines of: Will Success Spoil Young Mr. Damon?  Well, you're still here, Matt and I would argue that you have maintained a good degree of integrity; and I'll leave that right there.  We're all human and we're all subject to the hubrises and temptilations and vicissitudes of that state.  But you did go to the Met Gala and you weren't wearing something like this:

And I think that says something, Matt.  Although that jacket would be the fo-shiggity bomb on the red carpet for Dune 3.
Speaking of unusual fashion choices...
I think we really need to talk about the choices that were made for your pics at the hands of Mr. Weber and the styling team for your '97 cover shoot for Vanity Fair.  And can I just say I have never understood the name of that magazine?  Am I missing something?  Is it supposed to be ironic?  Is it connected to the classic novel by William Makepeace Thackeray (which I have not read) that is mostly concerned with satirizing the Social Climb?  Is the magazine meant to mock the very personages (such as yourself) that it is ostensibly lionizing on its cover?  And speaking of the cover.  You're in a bathtub.  Why are you in a bathtub?  What led to your being in a bathtub?  Was being in the bathtub your idea? Or was it, I suspect, perhaps Bruce's?

Here is one of the bathtub pix in B/W and from a slightly different angle.  Apparently you still have water in your ear and now, apparently, soap in your eye.  I mean, I hope it was soap!  I also found this other snap from what we'll call "The Bathtub Sesh" from here on in.

So, I guess we're all wondering, Matthew Paige...
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
Personally, I doubt you're clothed; like in one of those "Ooops, I just fell into this bathtub/swimming pool fully clothed in my Armani suit which just happens to have an ad on the next page" type photo.  Your pal George Clooney seems to embrace that trope.

The Pittster too (interestingly both frequent co-stars).  Can we expect a new pool themed franchise?  Instead of the ocean, it's a swimming pool.  Might I suggest: Poole's Three: The Great Drain Robbery?
Were you in your undies?  Which is kinda gross.  Maybe a swim-suit, which would make sense. A Speedo, if anything, on that set.  But why can't I shake the notion that there might've been a talking you into doing it Full Monty style because that "naturalism" would come across in the pix; and then talking you out of your drawers?  I mean, arguably it might've felt more natural.  And if it were the case, then I hope they didn't froth up all that foam with Mr. Bubble because if you ever used that stuff when you were a kid; I'm sure you remember what if felt like during a post-Mr. Bubble-Bath pee-pee.  Ouchies!!!

Hey, that dude at the end looks a lot like the Pittster, doncha think? 
But then, you apparently had zero problem with being in front of a camera in just your birthday suit, if what is arguably your first film role in School Ties is any kind of indication:

The above picture is quite fascinating to me, in so many ways.  So, that's clearly you, Matt, with your back to the camera and not a stand-in.  That is unmistakably  your very distinct shoulder/deltoid configuration.  Now, we can't see if you are wearing a pair of what appears to be very singular "briefs," as we can see on Mr. Fraser and the young man behind the slate.  And is the (what I assume is a) man holding the clapper, similarly attired?  I would think with those showers going nonstop during filming, it must've got super wet(!) in there.  Were those little shorts custom made for the movie.  I'm gonna guess: yes.  Were you wearing yours when this picture was taken?  I'm gonna guess: ...yes?  Here's a question (I have a lot of questions): did you hold on to your modesty briefs from School Ties and then when it came time to do The Bathtub Sesh six years later for Brucie, did you bring them along, just in case he insisted you wear them so there wouldn't be any kind of confusion or awkward moments?  I'm gonna guess: no? 
​Fun fact Matt!  I was the proud owner of a pair of boxer shorts that once graced the swimsuit area of one Mr. John Turturro!!!  Yes!  It's true! Calm down Matthew, I'll tell you!  So, when I worked at Lakeshore Films at Paramount, they had done a little flick called Box of Moonlight, in which Mr. T. starred, along with Oscar (TM/Reg./Pat.Pend./All Rights Reserved) winner Sam Rockwell in an early role.  Well, Mr. Turturro traipses through much of the film in little more than said boxer shorts:

One fine day I was sent to a storage unit somewhere near Tarzana in which Lakeshore kept a totes random collection of various and sundry items that had been used in some of their features.  Curious cat that I am, I spent the better part of a lunch hour rummaging around in there and I came across the boxers.  I examined them and found Mr. T.s name on the inside of the waistband.  A quick eyeballing assured me that they were "clean."  Did I sniff them to be doubly, nay triply, nay, nay quadruply sure?  Matt, I never sniff and tell!  Interestingly, the fly was sewn shut, I suppose to ensure/insure/assure Mr. Turturro's modesty during filming.  Which was not the case with Mr. Rockwell, who traipses through much of one scene with 'Lil Sam flopping around in the breeze.  I did in fact wear the Box boxers when I was in the mood (I'm more of a boxer briefs type fellah) until they became threadbare and were no longer a viable garment.  But I can't not express adequately to you, Matt, the thrill I felt every time I donned them and went about my day knowing that they had once cradled the loins of John "Barton Fink" Turturro!  And that is not a sentence that many humans can utter!
Back to that School Ties pic.  The date on the slate is 10/17/91. A Thursday. You had just turned 21 nine days prior; so I guess any and all decisions you made during the School Ties shower scene were yours and no one else's to make.  Whew!  Check this out:

Okay, well I think it's safe to assume you didn't wear anything "gaudy" that day (if anything at all, really).  And I also think it's safe to assume you were spreading kindness even thought you spent probably the entire day being a total asshole to Brendan Fraser.  I'm sure between takes you showed appreciation and spread kindness like nobody's business because that's just you, Sir!  MWAH!
So where was I that day when that picture was taken?  I guess it depends on what time of day it was.  I mean, I was more than likely in bed, which could've been as late as 4 in the afternoon.  I mean, this was my party period and I did work in a bar...

Which I think I've told you about.  In any event...
So exactly where were you, Matt?

Methinks this needs more investigating...
Yeah, so Matt...if you'da needed me, you just coulda called out my name and I'da come running...or more than likely driving in my Tercel.  I coulda been there in about forty minutes or so (depending on traffic):

And then when I'dve picked you up to give you a ride back to Cambridge, we coulda stopped into the Paradise (where I worked) and had a drink (because I hung out there too.  Shit, I practically lived there!) to celebrate your recent 21st birthday and you probably wouldn't have been cahhhded 'cuz I don't recall ever being carded there.

Isn't this fun, going out for a drink in our retroactive, imaginary friendship?  You coulda come by my house and listened to records, too!  Like this one:

Or is it just sad?
Late October of 1991 was when I left home for the second time, more or less for good.  I drove that very same Tercel I picked you up in, out to L.A.  I didn't have any set itinerary and I remember my mother kept getting me to put it off, effectively using my penchant for procrastination against me.  It worked.  She managed to keep me there for most of October.  I think she didn't want me to leave.  According to everyone (including my siblings!); I was her "favorite." Wait...would you have come over to listen to records; or were you already so ambitious at barely twenty-one that that woulda been corny kids stuff?  I mean, I'm only five years older than you...and you are a Libra.  What would the stars have said?

But I wax maudlin.  Or perhaps gaudy.  We've taken another turn, young Matt and we haven't even got past the Bathtub Sesh yet.  So you know what that means...
Yes, another blog.
So, I'll meet you in Part 2 of Money/Mouth.

CFR   6/19/26

CFR
Calling Dr. Ebert...calling Dr. Ebert...come in Dr. Ebert...
Roger Ebert materializes in the empty main room at the Grandin Movie Theater in Roanoke, VA. He turns  to find Chris Reidy sitting across the aisle from him.  He smiles and looks around.
FILM CRITIC ROGER EBERT OF THE CHICAGO SUN-TIMES (RE)
Now isn't this interesting...

RE
This is wonderful, a sort of Arthurian revival thing happening...

CFR
I know, right!  It's amazing.  Not only do they show movies and function as the local arthouse, they have concerts, special events. an art gallery...they even have a filmmaking program for teens!  Which is great; but would it kill them to have one for Seniors too?
RE
Didn't you already go to film school?
CFR
Yes, I did...but all the technology I learned on has gone the way of the abacus.  Speaking of film class: remember the last time we spoke and I told you about your signing a book for me?
RE
I do; but Chris, let me just make it clear here.  You are not actually talking to me.  I am a figment of your imagination.
CFR
Says who?
RE
Excuse me?
CFR
Who's to say that by conjuring you in my mind I'm not perhaps astrally projecting you into my current cranial dimension and that you are not, not cosmologically projecting your responses into my cauliflower?
RE
Let's just put that on the "B" roll, for now.  So did you find my autograph?
CFR
I did!  And I wasn't looking for it.  It jumped out of a box I was moving...coincidence?

RE
Why is it all crinkled?
CFR
That's how I came across it.  I almost didn't buy it until I saw that you'd signed it to me.
RE
Yes, but I thought you told me that you weren't the "Chris" in question.
CFR
Are we sure about that?
RE
Moving on.  October 31st, 1998.  Halloween.  Now where and when was I doing a book signing on Halloween of 1998?
CFR
Let's try and find out!

​TIME PASSAGE SFX

CFR
And we're back!
RE
And what did we find out?
CFR
Well, in the later part of 1998, you were out promoting your book Roger Ebert's Movie Yearbook 1999.  According to the computer, you did this a lot and hit a lot of bookstores.  I couldn't find a concrete tour itinerary; but since your show Siskel & Ebert was still on the air and airing new episodes, I would assume you didn't stray too far from where you shot your show, which was--
RE
In Chicago at the local CBS station, WBBM. So, yes, it was probably somewhere in the Metro Chicago area.  Which begs the question: were you in the Metro Chicago area in late October of 1998?
CFR
I was not.  I was actually on the tail end of my second stint of life in the Metro-Beantown area; or maybe I was at the very beginning of my second stint in LaLaWood...I went back there, somewhere around that time.
RE
I see.
CFR
But I did find the episode of your show that would've aired that very Saturday when you were signing your book to Mystery Chris!  Wanna see it?
RE
Can you put it up on the big screen?
CFR
​On it R.E.!

RE
That was quite close to the end of Gene's tenure on the show...
CFR
You can tell he's not well.  He died about three months later didn't he?
RE
Yes, of complications from the--
GENE SISKEL - FILM CRITIC OF THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE
(OFF SCREEN) Actually, it wasn't complicated at all.  I died.
RE
Gene, is that you?
GS
No Roger, it's Gene Shalit.
CFR
Oh wow...he just passed away too...like, yesterday...
GENE SISKEL appears in front of Chris and Roger.  He is wearing the white suit from Saturday Night Fever and tapping his foot.  He tilts his head towards Roger.
GS
He's sitting in my seat...
RE
(To Chris) Oh, Chris, would you mind?
CFR
Oh!  Right of course!  Please, by all means!
Chris leaps up and waves his hand over the vacated chair.  Gene sits.
CFR
I'll just sit in this seat behind you and you can just talk to me over your shoulders!
GS
(As Chris scrambles for his new chair)
So, am I supposed to be sad that Gene Shalit died?  He was a hundred fucking years-old.  I was fifty-three.
ER
Well Gene, I think I speak for all of us when I say that the world was more than likely better off with out forty-seven more years of your reviews.
GS
Very good Roger.  You did the math all by yourself: like the Big Boy you were!
(GENE AND ROGER LAUGH HEARTILY)
CFR
You know, I think the general consensus of public opinion was that you two despised each other, let alone simply had a rivalry--
GS
Couldn't stand this porcine son of a bitch!
RE
Hated the balding bastard!
CFR
Yeah...but I found this clip that really made me see you guys in a new way.  That maybe that "rivalry" was exaggerated for ratings.
GENE AND ROGER
​Roll the clip!

GS
Well, that was a fluke.  We'd just gotten back from a three martini lunch.
RE
Try six, Gene...and that was just you.
GS
Oh, you did the math again, bless your heart!  (Gesturing to Chris)  Now who is this aspiring Gene Shalit?
RE
Try "Rex Reed."  Or how about Rex Reidy, Chris?
LAUGHTER
CFR
You guys are vicious.  I think you both might be gay men trapped in straight men's bodies!
GS
Speaking of old Rexie: he just croaked too!  I ran into him at the Sphere in Vegas.
RE
What were you seeing?
GS
Are you kidding Roger?  The Wizard of Oz!  Hey, maybe I am a homosexual man trapped in a not gay man's body!
CFR
Happy Pride fellahs!  Speaking of the Wonderful Wizard...Gene; Roger and I just watched you guys reviewing the '98 restoration of Oz!
GS
I recall that I gave that an enthusiastic thumbs up.
RE
You did.  Has it been rereleased again?
GS
You really do live under a rock, don't you?
RE
I'm just not that invested in Earthly matters any more.
GS
Other than McDonald's!
LAUGHTER
CFR
Roger, Gene is referring to not just a rerelease of the classic; but a would be EVENT--and a polarizing one at that for any cinephile.
RE
So tell me you yutzes...

GS
My God Roger.  It's an abomination!
RE
But I thought you liked The Wizard of Oz, Gene.
GS
This is not The Wizard of Oz.  They've blown it up to ungodly proportions and because the original isn't visually big enough to fill their screen, they've added new visual material to it.
RE
What?
GS
And not only that, they've taken it upon themselves to fucking edit the thing.  They've had the audacity to CUT material!
RE
How was this allowed?
GS
Don't ask me!
CFR
That's a great question Roger.  And it raises so many more.  Like who has the right to take a classic film and alter it in any way.
RE
Well forty freakin' years ago we did a show called "The New Hollywood Vandalism" about colorization but at least they never tried to edit or alter the original productions--I mean, other than the color, of course--
CFR
Well, let's see what you guys had to say about it:
ROGER AND GENE
Roll the clip!

GS
Come to think of it, fucking Ted Turner owned the goddamn Wizard of Oz, didn't he?
RE
Yeah.  He just croaked too, if I'm not mistaken.
CFR
In May of this year.
RE
Did you run into him at the Sphere, Gene?
GS
No...and a good thing for him too; 'cuz I woulda sent him somewhere over the mother-lovin' rainbow! (Punches the air).
RE
Down boy.  And speaking of spheres...Gene, I couldn't help but notice your new wig...
GS
Fuck you Roger.  It's not a wig.  It's the real thing.  You know full well that where we are you can live your best life even though you're dead.
RE
If you consider the Travolta duck's ass your best life...
CFR
That's Travolta's suit from Saturday Night Fever, isn't it?
GS
Yes.  I paid two thousand dollars for this in 1978.
CFR
That's like ten thousand in today's money.  You musta really liked that movie!
GS
Duh.  He signed the lining for me...(opens jacket): "To Gene, so here's to a classic, your friend, John Travolta."
RE
You're a classic all right Gene.  A classic dork.
GS
Well that's the porker calling the piggy pink!
CFR
Guys, come on.  Enough already.  Speaking of Mr. Travolta...he's just directed his first movie.
RE
You're kidding.
GS
Now this I didn't know about.  Tell us you yutz.
CFR
Well, let's just watch the clip!

GS
Well Reidy, did you see it?  
CFR
I don't have Apple TV, so no.
RE
TV?  Why wouldn't you just go to the movie theater?
CFR
Well, it wasn't released in theaters. It's a "streaming exclusive."
GS
On TV?
CFR
Yeah...
RE
So, it's a "Made for TV Movie" which is, correct me if I'm mistaken...fucking TV?
CFR
It's kind of hard to explain--
GS
It's either a movie or it isn't.  They get made and then projected in a theater, onto a screen, by way of the purchase of a ticket.
CFR
That's all changed now.  A "movie" might come out on what is basically a computer program and you can watch it from the comfort of your living room...
GENE AND ROGER
BULLSHIT!
CFR
That's for another conversation guys.  But back to Travolta.  He's been running around Europe in a beret with a little beard.
GS
Why?
CFR
I guess because he thinks that's how a director is supposed to look?
RE
He's not even French, is he?
CFR
He's half Sicilian, half Irish.  In any event, his new look has created a bit of an online sensation!

RE
Well what's the phrase?  "Dress for the job you want"?
CFR
I was doing that thirty-five years ago!

RE
Did it work?
CFR
​Well, I direct my own videos...so....yes?
GS
I wouldn't recommend dressing like a film critic, Chris; if Roger is any indication.  Unless you want work as a spinster librarian at a run-down community college.
RE
Or if you dress like Gene, Chris; you might find a career as a dance instructor on a third-rate cruise line--
CFR
Guys, come on!  Let's spend this time constructively.  I know!  Let's see if we have common ground on a favorite movie and watch it now, since we're sitting in this beautiful theater!
RE
I insist we--
GS
There's no question we're watching--
CFR
No! I'll do some research and pick something.  Please hold!

CFR
Okay!  So, it seems the three of us all love Robert Altman's Nashville.  However, as that movie has a rather long run time, I've opted instead for Claire's Knee, which you both loved and I've never seen; so...let's look at the trailer!

RE
Excellent choice!
GS
Magnifique!
CFR
I can't figure out what the hell it's about; but I'd let that dude with the beard slobber over my knee any day!
RE
TMI Chris.
GS
Where did you find this friend of Dorothy, Roger?
RE
The back room at a gay leather bar for teens...
GS
I don't even want to know.
CFR
Well, you see, I was pitching ideas for a new version of Pretty In--
GS
That's nice.  Why don't you run up to the lobby and get us some snacks?
CFR
Sure!  What would you like?
RE
Just get him something that will keep his jaw busy--some stale Jujubes oughtta work.
CFR
And what would you like Roger?
GS
He'll have two of everything...
(A BEAT, then: LAUGHTER)
CFR
And that's three BIG THUMBS UP and we'll see you...AT THE MOVIES!
RE
Will we though?
CFR
Hey.  I make the effort.  So let's let Miss Nicole Kidman play us out!

Pride Month is bustin' out all over!  And what better way to escape than a June weekend romp with RAUL P. in the restful and relaxin' BACKROOMS!??!
A little birdie told us that Raul loves to get away from it all by a quick escape to the ultra-exclusive vacay-getaway!  This in-the-know fellah knows where all the best portals are and (blush, blush); Raul tells us that he most enjoys navigating this daunting time-space liminality in the buff(!).  Raul says it's the best way to avoid protoplasm and goes even further to recommend a good slathering of Hawaiian Tropic: it's the perfect way to slip out of unwanted encounters  with overzealous fans who may or may not be interdimensional, non-corporeal beings.
Oh Raul...what we would give to have an oily roll on the industrial carpeting with you!  And (wink, wink): Raul says he'll be utilizing the portal all this month at the Best Bin in North Hollywood...so come on down!  He's got the chips and dips...you supply the chains and whips!  That is, if you can find him...

Be sure to pick-up your copy of PERSON'S BLOG-A-ZINE'S MOST EROTIC MALE EXTANT ISSUE, on newsstands soon!
Here are some of the exciting articles in this month's edition!  Along with our expose on Raul, find these HOT stories too!

MICKEY AND MINNIE: OUR POLYAMOROUS JOURNEY
HUFFING PAM: THE DISTURBING NEW WAY TO GET HIGH
JESSE WATERS ON HIS NEW LINE OF ALPHA-MALE UNDERTHINGS
HOW I OVERCAME PODOPHOBIA: JASON BATEMAN ON HIS FOOT FETISH
THE MARZIPAN CHALLENGE: TIK-TOK'S DANGEROUS NEW OBSESSION
I'M CHEVY CHASE...AND YOU'RE STILL NOT!
THE STAR WARS-WAR OF THE STARS: WHY DOES C-3P0 DESPISE R2-D2? THEIR 50 YEAR RIVALRY LAID BARE
TOE-NAIL BITING: IS IT ACTUALLY GOOD FOR YOU?
SARDINE-MANIA: THE LITTLE FISH THAT'S MAKING A BIG SPLASH!
NOT BEING GAY...HOW BAD CAN IT BE? A PRIDE MONTH INVESTIGATIVE REPORT BY ANDY COHEN
ANNA WHO?  THE MUSEUM OF DENTISTRY GALA - THE NEW HOT TICKET PEOPLE ARE GIVING THEIR EYE-TEETH TO GET!
LAURA INGRAHAM'S FAVORITE SUMMER CREAM PIES

Tracy bangs on the GONG:

Finally, the pillow-fight feathers settle and calm is restored.  At this point, Rebel Wilson comes back into the room, accompanied by Ellen DeGeneres, who is carrying a stack of pizza boxes.
ELLEN
Okay, who ordered pizza!??!
TF
No one here...
RW
Can she stay?  She promises she won't prank anyone--
ALL
NO!
TF
No.  Just no.  Ellen...sachet, away...
A dejected Ellen mopes out of the room:

Rebel goes after her and then we hear, off screen:

Rebel returns with the pizza boxes and puts them on the coffee table.  She opens the top box.
JA
You're not really going to eat that are you?
GP
Gross!  Gross!
KL
You don't know where that pizza's been!
RW
(Chewing a slice)  I've never heard of jerky pizza before!  
LI
Forget about where it's been.  How about what's on it?!!?
RW
No worries ladies!  Fat Amy is back!
TF
How about a cupcake instead?

BL
How about some swag bags?
TF
Now, y'all know I don't give away my goodies for nuthin'  But I can give y'all the friends and family discount!  How about this sweatshirt with ME, ME, ME, ME on it!

BL
How much?
TF
Well, it just dropped for fifty bucks but I can give y'all a ten percent discount!
BL
I'll pass...
Everyone else looks at the floor and the ceiling. CRICKETS.
LI
Look, is this a book club or a merch table?  I've brought copies of the next book we're all going to read, since it's my turn to pick...
Laura grabs her Turning Point USA tote and starts retrieving books, which she passes out.

KL
​Oooh, this looks like a fun read!  What's it all about Ingy?
LI
It's about how no one's getting married anymore and women aren't having kids and it's leading this Great Land of Ours down a slippery slope.  We've got to stop controlling the population with all this spaying and neutering!
JA
I mean, it makes sense to me.  No one can afford to have kids anymore and if marriage is so great, why is there so much divorce?
LI
It's those LEFTIST RADICALS, tearing down our sacred institutions and WAGING A WAR AGAISNT THE FAM--
Laura ducks as a book goes flying at her and shatters a vase on the credenza.
TF
Who threw that?!!?

RW
Well, if we were all home just having babies and wiping our husband's bottoms; we couldn't have fair dinkum merch, like this!

JA
​Or this!

GP
​Or this!!!

MK
Who the frig would want any of that shit; other than the beer?
GP
I'll have you know my vagina candle sold out in--
She ducks as someone throws a Megyn Kelly low ball glass at her head.  It crashes against the credenza.
TF
Could you all stop throwin' shit at my credenza?  It's Ralph Lauren y'all!

BL
Let's talk hair, ladies!  

MK
Let's not and say we did.
TF
What does "8/4" mean, Blake?  Is that like "6-7!"?
BL
No you yutz.  That was the date that it launched.
MK
And looks to be the date that it ends up at Dollar General, too--
BL
Why you!!!
Blake leaps over the coffee table, misses Megyn, lands on the rug and does this:

TF
Jenn, could you throw some Vitamin Water on her?
JA
Oh, yeah, sure!
As Jennifer does this, Tracy holds up the transcript of Echoes of Deception.
TF
Sorry Laura hon, but I'm gonna have to veto your 'lil ole manifesto right now, because guess what ladies!??!
ALL
(Disinterestedly) What...?
TF
We need to talk about A.I. y'all!!!
EVERYONE EXCEPT GWYNETH
Let's not and say we did...
TF
Awww come on y'all!  You see, we ladies are woefully lackin' in our knowledge and acceptance of A.I.!  It's here, y'all and there ain't nothing we can do about it!
JA
Well, we can do something about it.  We can just not use it.

TF
Whut?  Nawwww!  Now, you see, my sweet lil' ole head just don't know nuthin' about it and I wanna get ahead of this lil' ole thing before it leaves me in the briar patch!
LI
Don't you have an A.I. company?
TF

GP
Well, I for one agree with Tracy.  I'm pivoting Goop towards it.  It's good for business!
MK
Yeah.  Your business.
JA
Well, maybe giving actual humans jobs might be good for business, yeah?
BL
Well what is an "actual human"?
JA
That kinda goes with out saying, doesn't it?
BL
Look, all I know is that when it comes to any kind of business, whether that be business-business or show business or even monkey business: I want authenticity.  I want AUTHORSHIP!  When I do a movie I don't want to simply be the gorgeous blonde actress with great tits that they hired to just act.  No!  I want authorship, whether that be the costumes or the production design or the script--
TF
Yes!  And that's where A.I. comes in Blake!
JA
Wait a second...Blake, if you want all those things for yourself on a movie set, then why don't you find a script; or even better, WRITE a script!  Prouduce the film yourself!  Put in place all the elements you want because you're the producer, right from the start; because that's kind of how it works.
BL
I'm stretched too thin to do that, what with my high maintenance husband, my breast feeding schedule, my hair care line and my public appearances and scintillating interviews...
TF
That's exactly what I'm saying gals!  Blake, now you can just have A.I. write the script for you!  Because it all starts with the script!
KL
(Holding up Echoes of Deception) Well, if it starts with anything like this: you've got a problem.
TF
Okay, maybe that's not the best thing I've written--
MK
But you didn't write it.
TF
But I fed the computer the idea!  And with my new proprietary Chick-Chat-PDQ from Sunny Book Nook, you can too!  And you won't have to pay those pesky writer fees!
LI
I thought you didn't have an A.I. company...
TF
Now, sugar, I never exactly cottoned to all that...and Eli Whitney never woulda had no cotton gin if he didn't have to pick out a few boll weevils along the way...and I'd love to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair!
LI
What?
TF
All you need to do is just tell the lil' ole computer what you want and it spits it right out, like the lil' ole Jetsons or somethin'!  Hey Chick-Chat...give me the start of a lil' ole script about a book club and it's members Blake, Gwyneth, Tracy and Rebel!

BL
Hey!  That's actually pretty good.  Give me that, I'm taking authorship this instant!  See you at the box office bitches!
And she's audi:

JA
Shouldn't someone tell her that the WGA is going to determine if that's penned by a human or not and put the kibosh on it if it isn't?
RW
No worries sheila!  Where there's a will, there's a way!  So Tracy, how can I get in on that?
TF
Well, I have some pamphlets. You want some more sweets, sugar?
She hands FAT AMY a plate of cupcakes.
JA
So, Gwyneth...if you think creating things is "divine"...and A.I. can create things in mere seconds.  Ergo, do you think A.I. is divine?
GP
​Roll the clip...

The end...?

CFR   5/31/26

Could someone please explain this to me?
Elijah, would you?
Could you?
Should you?
'Cuz I don't get it.
Apparently, there is some connection between myself and you, Elijah Wood, via Instagram.  Now I have an Instagram account, which I never use.  Why?  Because I find it confusing.  I don't understand it's purpose.  But let me start at the beginning.  Or let's go even further back than that and start at your beginning.  Or maybe, your beginning for me.  Like, when did Christopher F. Reidy become conscious of the existence of Elijah Wood...?

Looking back, I suppose I became peripherally aware of you early in your career when you were a "child actor."  You already had four movies under your belt by the time I moved to Los Angeles.  And when I landed my first job at a talent agency, I had daily access to all the showbiz trades and you were getting a lot of work so I would've known your name.  And when The Ice Storm came out, I was very aware of that because it was getting all kinds of Oscar buzz (or at least it's studio was pushing for the movie in the trades) and I loved a lot of the people who were in the movie.  But I didn't see it at the movies.  I didn't see it until much later, on DVD.  I was mesmerized by it.  So I guess that was the first performance of yours that I saw.  I recall the character you played was something of an oddball.  But then, I suppose you are something of an oddball.  And I mean that in a good way!

The best way possible!  In fact, your character is kind of the lynchpin of the whole movie.  I was thinking back on my early days in LaLawood and I recall going to a club that was super "hot" at the time (I have no idea how I got in) and that you were there.  I saw you on the other side of the bar, ordering a drink.  And then I was doing some math and I got to wondering how old you were in like, 1992.  In case you don't know, you were @ 11 years-old.  I mean, it was Hollywood, so I guess it was plausible that you might have been there; but I'm thinking at 11 years-old the top of your head wouldn't have made it past the bar rail.  Then I did some more thinking and figured out that it was the other child actor with the spooky eyes: Lukas Haas; who would've been about 16 at the time, which makes way more sense.  I mean, he was underage; but then, I was drinking in bars at that age myself.  Not in Hollywood; but in Lynn, Massachusetts.  Which makes sense, if you've ever been to Lynn, Massachusetts.
Speaking of Lynn, Massachusetts!  
I've recently become somewhat fascinated with one Ms. Tammy Grimes.  It's beginning to border on a bit of an obsession; particularly since I found out that she's from....get this...Lynn, Massachusetts!!!  And I thought all this time she was British.  She has the dubious distinction of starring in one of the most quickly cancelled sit-coms in TV history: The Tammy Grimes Show.  Here's a bit of that which gives you an instant "impression" of what Tammy G. was all about!

And you simply must hear her speaking voice.  Once heard, it cannot be unheard.  I remain neutral here; but I advise you to seek out recordings and come to your own conclusions.  And I must say, Elijah, that you and the late Ms. Grimes look a hecka lotta like!

Maybe you could play Tammy in a one-man-one-woman show: GET GRIMES!  I look nothing like her; otherwise I might do it myself.  But I am working on my impression of her voice...so get crackin' young man!
But back to our timeline, Elijah...
So, the next BIG THING I recall from you, was, of course, the whole Hobbit thing.  Or should I say the whole Tolkien thing?  'Cuz I'm not sure if you played a Hobbit or a fairy or a dwarf or an elf...I did see the movie.  The first two I think.  Not a fan.  Why, you ask?  Okay, I'll tell you.  My history with The Hobbit joint starts in childhood.  I had a cousin named Brian and he was about five years older than me.  We shared a lot of common interests: comedy, science-fiction, fantasy, homosexuality...
Brian was always raving about The Hobbit and encouraging me to read it.  This is like the mid-70's.  I never did pick it up though.  However, around 1978 there was a lot of press for an upcoming TV version of The Hobbit.  An animated one by Ralph Bakshi, the famous counter-culture animation genius.  There was a lot of stuff about it in TV Guide.  No, wait a second...the version I'm thinking of was from 1977 and it was by the Rankin/Bass studios (the people who brought us stop motion Rudolph and animated Frosty the Snowman, etc.).  I watched it and I loved it!

Based on that TV special, I really should've gone down the Tolkien rabbit hole; but I didn't.  My tastes were rapidly shifting from sci-fi and fantasy into more adult fare from the likes of Brian DePalma and others.  Fast forward nearly 30 years to the BIG SCREEN Peter Jackson take on the whole Tolkien thing and I was like...ah, okay, I'll give it another go; and so I went to see it and my second go came to a screeching halt.
But why Chris?, you might ask, Elijah; and you might continue: that was a super prestigious, mega-deluxe production that created an entire fanbase, received critical acclaim and made more gold than Smaug could shake a talon at.  What gives Chrissy baby?
And I might reply: Yes, I know all that Woodsy-owl and as I'm sure you know...Hey HAL...what are we all sure that Mr. Wood here surely knows?

And all that being said, Elijah, you still might ask: But why Chris?  WHY didn't you like The Lord of the Rings movies?
And if I'm being honest, I'd have to say: I didn't care. I didn't care then and I don't care now. I don't care about these characters.  I don't want to watch hairy footed munchkins go on a quest.  I don't want to be so completely bored within ten minutes that I'm having to distract myself by studying the beard-braiding of the Band of Troll Dolls. I don't want to look at a Gollum who is so repulsive I want to throw up a little in my pop-corn.  I don't want to watch Cate Blanchett pretend to be an annoyingly serene Queen-Elf-Witch, or whatever she was, like in this scene that it seems to me takes ten times longer than it should because everyone is talking and moving like they're at the bottom of a treacle well:

It's like, let's speed it up Cate.  We've still got two and half freakin' hours to go here.  I mean, I don't know about you Elijah, but I can only take so much gravitas before I start to check out.
And I assure you Elijah, it was not your fault.  You were fine.  But would it have killed anyone to get Frodo out of his burlap overalls and into a Heated Hobbitry with an equally disrobed Aragorn?

But that's just me.
But I do stand by my assertion that you are something of an oddball Mr. Wood.  I mean, you've full-on gone-in on horror movies.  Like really disturbing horror movies.  And if you weren't/aren't starring in them; you're producing them.  I mean, you helped bring The Greasy Strangler to the world (watch the following at your own peril, anyone other than Elijah Wood):

So, did the world really need The Greasy Strangler?

I honestly don't know the answer to that.
Did I see it?
Yes.
Did I enjoy it?
Define "enjoy."
Did I feel greasy after watching it?
A resounding YES.  I'm feeling greasy right now, writing about it.  And I have to wonder if you were actually on that set, Elijah; and if you were...did you feel greasy?  I mean, "grease" is the word.  Always has been.  Always will be.  It's got move, it's got motion.  Grease is a life of illusion...we stop to fight right now, we've got to be what we feel...

Well, I'm gonna wrap this up...
And that's a wrap!
Yeah, so I guess that's it Wood-babe.  Now, if you know the reasons why you're now seemingly inextricably linked to me via the Interwebmachinematrix and if you'd care to share them with me, I'm all ears...much like you were when you played Frobill Bigguns:

Here's a question: "If you had to watch either Grease 2 or a sequel to the Greasy Strangler, which would you pick and why; because you'd really be between a rock and a greasy place, wouldn't you?"
Speaking of journeys...
I recently watched your sojourn into the Criterion closet and I'm happy to say, our sensibilities are on an even keel!

Except perhaps the Wes Anderson joint.  Although (full disclosure), my husband is a big fan so I get dragged to all of his oeuvre-output.  But really, maybe he should just segue to coffee-table POP-UP books and call it a day.  Oh and that's a hard pass on Funny Games, either version.  Mr. Haneke needs to lighten up.  Maybe he should do a remake of The Sound of Music. The Sound of Moaning?  
Actually, I have a few more ideas to run by you...
Oh!  I just found out you're going to be in a new LOTR movie...all about...wait for it...Gollum, by golly!  Elijah, I will go see it; but I ask only one thing of you.  Could you please see that a glow-up happens for Gollum?  I mean, this isn't based on canon, so howzbout he finds a new ring that makes him a total stud!??!  Lord of the Rings: The Hunt for Gollum's Glow-Up: based on the Ring, "Precious" by J.R.R. Tolkien.  

And Elijah, can we get real here?  I mean, I think you've been underselling yourself.  Why have you never been a romantic lead?  You're cute as a button, sweet as pie, charming as a prince, good natured... 
Why do you keep playing elves and/or psycho killers?  I wanna see you woo someone.  Any sex!  Either sex!  Both sexes?  Like, a cute little indie rom-com type deal.  Let's brainstorm...
Oh!  First thought, best thought.  I'm seeing you and Blake Lively in something.  Sounds counterintuitive, but hear me out Woodsy.  I mean, her professional life is a bit of a horror story right now; but I still like her somehow.  And a little largesse goes a long way.  Here's my pitch:
It's called: Jack and the Beanstalk.  You play Jack Davenport.  He's a recently divorced gentleman who lives in a big city.  His life is unravelling and he finds himself working in a restaurant where he meets fellow waitron Marissa Manoogian, played by Miss Lively.  Now, you are known for your smaller stature and she is quite noteworthy for her more statuesque stature; and you can see how the title plays in here.  Romantic shenanigans ensue when, despite their attempts at squelching their feelings, they cannot avoid the outrageous fortunes from Cupid's quiver.  Can this mismatched duo overcome their differences, especially when their former partners come crawling back?  I for one would love to see the envelope pushing love scenes.  I dated a gentleman once who was Hobbit sized and let me tell ya, that little stud knew what he was doing in the sheets!  He had a ring that was precious, and it didn't go around his finger, if you know what I'm sayin'! (Wait, what am I sayin'?  Even I'm not sure...maybe that's an idea for The Greasy Strangler 2!).
So, nice to meet you and all the best of luck with the new Hobbit movie.  I'd bet money that it's going to make a boatload!  But I bet that little rom-com would work too.
Ciao for now!
Chris 
MWAH!

CFR   5/27/26