It does not cease to amaze me how these things work.  Or should that be work out?  Because I have no idea how this works.
Okay, so I had this idea for a scene, kind of like the swimming hole scene from A Room With A View. A wee bit too graphic to post here. It was one of the first modern movie scenes that unapologetically featured male nudity.  Several of the male leads strip naked and go swimming in a pond and clown around.  It's quite innocent; but also rather erotic.  No one saw that scene coming in a 1985 Merchant-Ivory arthouse picture!  In that spirit, I imagined the Lana-Batali crew having a celebratory cook-out in the English woods outside the headquarters.  Then I thought, "Gee, do they have cook-outs in Great Britain?  Don't they more, like, "picnic" on the grass?  I'm not sure.  But as the crew is mostly guys, I thought it would be nice to have a skinny dipping scene, where Ick (who is pansexual, natch) puts the moves on Paddy.  Then I researched British forests, parks, swimming holes, rivers, etc.  Pictures of Grantchester Meadows in Cambridge came up; and also a song of the same name by Pink Floyd.  Curious, I listened to it.  Not at all what I was expecting; but, it would work beautifully playing over the scene, as the men float lazily down the river.  The video is above, so you can listen as you read!

CUT TO:
EXT. GRANTCHESTER MEADOWS, CAMBRIDGE -DAY
It is picture perfect summer day.  The men from Lani-Batali are on the banks of the River Cam, having a day of R&R; which includes the more refined sports of badminton and croquet.  A cricket game is also in progress.  Sean and Cal are lazily swatting at shuttlecocks.  Ick and Paddy, along with Kelly O'Kelly are knocking about a croquet ball.  Roddy is lying on a blanket, looking at his laptop.
KELLY
I think we've found the one thing you suck at Paddy.
PADDY
Croquet?  Who plays croquet?  What is this, Heathers?
ICK
I love that movie!
RODDY
Paddy, have you ever heard of a fellah named Henry Notlad?
PADDY
Is he a Yank?
RODDY
Yes.
PADDY
Yeah.  He retired from UFC about five years ago, didn't he?
RODDY
That's him.  His brother's his manager.  Wants me to sign him...
PADDY
Are you gonna?
RODDY
I've got to meet him first; but yeah, I'm thinking about it.
He turns back to his screen.  Kelly swings her mallet, knocking Ick's ball out of play.
KELLY
Oh, I hit the peg!  How many points is that?
ICK
Two.  You win.  I'm hot.  Fancy  a swim?
PADDY
Yes! I'm sweatin' me cobblers off out here!
KELLY
You boys go ahead.  I don't do snapping turtles.
ICK
Race ya!
He drops his mallet and he's off.  Paddy hands his mallet to Kelly and walks slowly towards the river.
RODDY
(To Kelly) Oh, to be nineteen again...
KELLY
He's nineteen?  I thought he was much younger.
RODDY
He'll be twenty in November.
Kelly shades her eyes and watches as Paddy catches up with Ick and they plunge into the water.

CUT TO:
EXT. RIVER -DAY
Ick and Paddy swim to an old punt boat and climb into it.  They both pick up oars and start down the river.  Life is but a dream as the pair meander down the waterway, past trees and reeds and greenery so vivid, it doesn't seem real.  They drift to a more secluded part of the stream and Paddy loops the boat's rope around a low hanging tree branch.
​Ick stands and removes his bathing trunks.  Paddy seems more than a little surprised by this.
PADDY
Ick I don't think--
Ick LAUGHS and jumps into the water and swims away.  He dives under then comes up near the boat.
ICK
What are you waiting for?  It's glorious!
He swims off again and seems to disappear.  Paddy jumps in the water and does a lazy backstroke, then stops and wades.
PADDY
Ick?  Where'd you go.
We see Ick below the water, swim up to Paddy.  Paddy has a sudden start and then Ick breaks the surface, waving Paddy's bathing suit.
PADDY
Ick...Frankie...give that back...
ICK
You just got ICKED old man.
PADDY
Francis Shannon, give me back me drawers.  Now.
ICK
Make me.
He swims off down the river to a reeded area.  Paddy, who seems simultaneously confused, ticked off and amused, swims after him.
CUT TO:
EXT. REEDED AREA -DAY
Paddy swims into the the shaded area where stands of reeds and rushes are swaying in the breeze.  It is quiet, except for the lone song of a nightingale.  Paddy wades into water that is just to his navel.
PADDY
(Softly) Ick...?
Ick emerges from the water, just behind Paddy, as silent as an owl.  He puts his arms around Paddy's waist and kisses the back of his neck.
REVERSE ON PADDY
A prism of emotions play over Paddy's face.  He stands stock still.  Time seems suspended.
PADDY
Ick, what are you doing?
ICK
You're shaking...you've never done this before, have you?
Paddy turns and takes Ick by the shoulders and holds him at arm's length.
PADDY
Ick, what can I say?  You're beautiful. You're literally an angel.  But your dad is  my boss--
ICK
I won't tell him if you won't.
PADDY
Stop joking.  I'm serious.
ICK
Paddy, can't you feel the...flow...of energy...between us?  (He puts his hand below the water)  Because I can.
PADDY
(Taking Ick's hand away)  I'm old enough to be your father.
ICK
That doesn't matter to me!
PADDY
Well it does to me.  I can't be with you, son.  And I won't...
ICK
(SIGHS) Are you sure? (He attempts a kiss, Paddy gently holds him back).
PADDY
Quite sure.
ICK
(Considers for a moment)  Kelly's your flat-mate, isn't she? (Paddy nods) Is she single?
They look at each other for a moment, then Paddy shakes his head; but he's smiling.
ICK
Well, is she?
Paddy playfully pushes Ick under the water and a splash fight ensues.
PADDY
Now where the hell are me knickers?

CUT TO:
​INT. TENT -DAY
Henry is sitting on a cot with the uilleann pipes in his lap.  In a chair facing him is OZAN, a large, hirsute Turkish man, 30's.  Henry proceeds to "play" the pipes: "Mary Had A Little Lamb" maybe?  Ozan scrunches up his face and shakes his head.
OZAN
No Mr. Hank!
HENRY
Well, I'm sorry that I can't play it like you can.
OZAN
You can't play it no way!
He pulls the instrument away from Henry and then goes to a trunk, which he opens.  He rummages around and pulls out a zurna.  He considers, gives it a few toots, then shakes his head.  After a couple more horns, he extracts a long shepherd's flute: a kaval. He extends it to Henry.
OZAN
Maybe this better...
Henry shrugs and puts it to his lips.  This time "Mary Had A Little Lamb" is mellow and melodic and a bit haunting.
OZAN
Now we speaking!
Claudio comes through the tent flap and listens for a moment.
CLAUDIO
Not bad.  All right lad, are you ready?
HENRY
Ready.
He tucks the flute under his arm, grabs his backpack and follows Claudio and Ozan out of the tent.

Please see "Heartfight: A Screenplay Part 5" for the next installment.

​CFR 4/21/23

When I was making my coffee today, I looked out the kitchen window.  There was a Luna moth crammed into the corner on the other side of the glass.  It looked as though it had gotten smooshed in the sash when the window had been opened. Uh-oh.

Assuming it was dead, I opened the window to retrieve it for a more reverential final resting place.  It fell to the deck below the window.  I went out to get the moth and when I touched it, it was clearly still alive and kicking.  However, it's wing was twisted and it couldn't take flight; flopping around in circles.  Usually, when an insect loses the use of one of its wings, it's not a good thing.  But after a few flaps, the wing came untwisted and the moth was able to fly.  But it crashed again.  I picked it up and this time it got airborne and was successful.  It flew off into the woods.  I breathed a sigh of relief.  Was it a sign?  I often take these sorts of things as "signs."  And a Luna moth couldn't be more fraught with meanings and metaphors and symbolisms and signs.  One of those signs is that the Luna moth represents is perseverance.  And timing.
My OCD can consist of intrusive thoughts of different types.  But, and I think I prefer this, the OCD can manifest as one sort of all consuming thought.  Lately, I've been obsessed with A-I.  It's like, fuck.  I'm an artist and the first thing people did was create this thing that can already "out-Art" any artist.  Why?  Yeah, let's teach this super-intelligence how to replicate the most Human of endeavors: Art.  It was like the first thing.  Teach it science, sure.  Medicine.  Math: but why Art.  It has no business making Art.  That is for Humans.  And of course humans, to save a buck, will opt for the Insta-AI-Art.
Are we that stupid?  Can we not see where this is going?  It's already threatening to kill us all.  Asking Siri or Alexa or Hal 9000 to play our favorite song or tell us who was on the 1936 Olympic track team is one thing; having it create a sermon or a poem is another.  The first story about a super-computer, Hal from 2001 had him going off the deep end and murdering his colleagues; and that was a half century ago.  How many Star Trek episodes warned about omnipotent super-computers?  A lot.  Our first instincts about it were correct.  And yet, here we are.

I have to be honest.  This is what's going on in my head right now.  And why am I sharing this with you?  I don't know.  Maybe you're worried too.
But, I don't like to dwell on the negative (even if I can't help it).  I will still create ART.  My own ART.  And just maybe the Luna moth was trying to tell me (and you) that everything, for now, is going to be all right.
​Let's hope.

CFR  4/13/23

Artwork by ICanFeelTheEarthTurn

Okay, really now.  I've got my own stuff to be working on; but since I started playing around with this, it's gotten stuck in my head and I want to see where this part of Looking For Mr. Good Will is going.  The above artwork caught my eye and I think its style, animated, would look really cool.  However, I wasn't planning on having Robin Williams and his Oscar (TM/Reg./Pat.Pend) winning character of Dr. Sean Maguire in this project. Why? Well, he's not with us anymore and hiring anyone to attempt to recreate his one of a kind voice would be folly.  We could always have a flashback (or dream) within the flashback and use dialogue from the original. Or would that be cheesy?  But I really like this artwork (but what's up with the expression on Dr. Maguire's face?  Looks a bit sketchy to me...). 

FADE IN ON:
INT. -ALIOTO'S RESTAURANT/FISHERMAN'S WHARF -DAY
Will and Jake are seated at a table near the window, which looks out on the bay.  The waiter comes to the table with a tray and places seafood dishes in front of the two men.
WAITER
Will there be anything else?
WILL
Yeah, could I get some hot sauce?
WAITER
We have Texas Pete's, is that all right?
WILL
Sure, that'll work.
WAITER
I'll be right back--
WILL
Oh! And do you have Old Bay seasoning?
WAITER
I believe we do.
WILL
Thanks.
The waiter leaves.
JAKE
The man knows what he likes.
WILL
I actually prefer the green Tabasco. Shit I forgot to ask for extra lemons! (He starts looking around)
JAKE
Will, relax.  (He raises his glass of beer)  Here's to the City by the Bay.  And success therein.
WILL
(Raising his glass and clinking) Here here.  Okay, so let's see what ya got in the way of seafood, City by the Bay...
(He squeezes some lemon on his fish and takes a bite. Considers and nods his head).  Hmmm.  Not bad. Actually, it's pretty good. It's not Boston good; but it's good.  Have you ever been to Boston?

JAKE
I toured a couple schools there.  Saw a show at a club called the Channel--some local bands.  Enjoyed it immensely.
WILL 
So'd ya go to school there?
JAKE
No. I went to Carnegie Mellon.
WILL
For what?
JAKE
Graphic design.
WILL
Oh, like Andy Warhol.
JAKE
Yeah. How did you know that?
WILL
Everyone knows that.
JAKE
No Will. Most people don't know that...
WILL
Well, I know a little...about a lot of things.
The waiter returns with the hot sauce and Bay Seasoning.  Will, who has a mouth full of food, starts motioning.
JAKE
He'd like some extra lemons.
WAITER
Be right back.

JAKE
So, who's this person who might not want to see you?  If you don't mind my asking.
WILL
I don't mind...
JAKE
But you'd rather not talk about it.
WILL
Not right now Jake, I mean we just met. 
JAKE
I get it.  It's fine.  I'm nosey.  But can I ask you one thing?
WILL
You can ask.  I might not answer though.
JAKE
Is this person a girl...or a guy?
WILL
(Just short of incredulity) She's a woman.
JAKE
We're in Frisco.  I don't think seeking clarity on that is beyond the pale.
WILL
You're like, wicked smart.
JAKE
You wanna go see Fort Point after this?
WILL
Sure. (He picks up a lemon wedge and squirts Jake with it).
CUT TO:
INT. RESTAURANT -DAY
A short time later.  CLOSE-UP on the table cloth as the waiter places the check on the table.  Jake picks it up.
JAKE
I got this...what's fifteen percent of thirty-seven dollars?
WILL
Five dollars and fifty-five cents.
JAKE
Damn!  
WILL
I'm pretty good at math.  And no, I can't let you pay for me.  I doubt either of us can really afford this anyway.
JAKE
But I asked you...
WILL
I wouldn't want you to think this is a date or anything.
They both take out their wallets and put cash on the table.  Will immediately starts calculating amounts, pulling bills and stacking them.
JAKE
You're wicked smaaahhht.
Will CHUCKLES.
CUT TO:
EXT. FORT POINT/GOLDEN GATE -DAY
​Will is taking pictures with a disposable camera beneath the Golden Gate Bridge, which stretches past Alcatraz and across the bay: seemingly forever.  Jake is looking at a tourist guide.
JAKE
It says that the two main suspension cables use some eighty thousand miles of wire.  If you looped it as a single strand, it would circle the planet...wanna take a guess?
WILL
(Thinks a moment) Three times.
JAKE
Correct!  Did you just happen to know that?
Will, who is looking up at the bridge GASPS and drops his camera. He seems overwhelmed. His face goes white.
JAKE
Will, are you okay?
WILL
(GROANING and gulping for air)  I'm not sure.  I don't...I think maybe...
JAKE
What? What!
WILL
I think I'm having a goddamn heart attack--
He starts to pitch forward but Jake catches him.
JAKE
Can you walk?
WILL
I think so...but I'm having trouble breathing.
​Jake grabs the camera and starts walking Will towards the road.

CUT TO:
INT. ST. MARY'S MEDICAL CENTER EMERGENCY ROOM -DAY
Jake is sitting on a chair next to a bed, on which Will is reclined.  After a moment, a DOCTOR enters.  She sits on a stool and rolls over to the bed.
DOCTOR
Feeling okay now?
WILL
Yeah, I think.  What's wrong with me?
DOCTOR
You had a panic attack.
WILL
What?
DOCTOR
A panic attack. Have you ever had one before?
WILL
No.  What causes it?
DOCTOR
Lots of things can cause it.  Anxiety disorders.  Phobias. Post Traumatic stress.  Many of these things can overlap.  It's not that uncommon.
WILL
But I wasn't anxious...
DOCTOR
Sometimes it just comes on, for no apparent reason, like a ton of bricks.
WILL
What can I do about it?
DOCTOR
The best thing to do is talk to a therapist.
WILL
I have one.  But he's three-thousand miles away.
DOCTOR
You'll probably want someone that's a little closer.  
WILL
Do you know any?
DOCTOR
A few.  Let me get some numbers for you.  I'll be back in a minute.
She leaves.  Will SIGHS.
WILL
This is just friggin' awesome.
JAKE
If it makes you feel any better, I suffer from numerophobia.
WILL
Okay, that one I don't know.  Fear of what?
JAKE
Numbers.
WILL
(Not buying it) Get outta town...
JAKE
You mean "the city."
Will shakes his head but he can't subdue a smile.
FADE TO BLACK
FADE UP
​INT. WILL'S ROOM -NIGHT
Will is lying on the bed, talking on the phone.  The room now has a small TV and other items that indicate Will has been in the room for a while now. There's a small table-top Christmas tree on the desk. Will is speaking to his friend ​CHUCKIE SULLIVAN, 20'S, whose voice we can hear on the other end of the line, in Southie, natch.
CHUCKIE
(V/O throughout)...did you get a hold of Maguire?
WILL
Not yet.  He's at some kind of shrink's convention; in Las Vegas of all places.
CHUCKIE
Vegas baby!!!
WILL
You know, he really should have a shrink of his own.
CHUCKIE
Don't they like, self-shrink?
WILL
You know, I really don't know.
CHUCKIE
So, have you heard from Skylar yet?
WILL
Nope.
CHUCKIE
Did you call her?
WILL
I left her a note.
CHUCKIE
Where?
WILL
At Ghirardelli...
CHUCKIE
Isn't that like, a chocolate company?
WILL
Yeah.
CHUCKIE
She works at a chocolate factory?  I thought she was a chemist.  
WILL
She is.  Most food companies have chemists on the payroll, Chuck.
CHUCKIE
So, you're like, dating Willemina Wonka?  That's fucking awesome!
WILL
Well, I'm not dating her.  Do you think I should--
Will notices the light go on in Jake's room.  He watches as Jake passes the window and then sits on his bed.  After a moment, a second DARK HAIRED MAN, late 20's, comes into view and moves towards Jake.  He's wearing a leather motorcycle jacket.
CHUCKIE
What?  Do I think you should what?
WILL
Hey Chuckie, can I call you back?
CHUCKIE
Sure.  Hey, I just got a cell phone! You want the number?
WILL
Give it to me next time we talk.
CHUCKIE 
Sure.  Later man.
WILL
Yeah, bye.
He hangs up the phone and goes to the light switch and turns off the lights.  He moves to the window and hangs to the side, watching what is happening through Jake's window.

From Will's P.O.V., which is startlingly clear, we see the man pull Jake from the bed.  He pulls Jake's shirt up over his head and tosses it aside.  We can't quite see much below the belt; but it's pretty clear that Jake undoes his pants and takes them off.  Then, presumably, his underwear.  The man pulls Jake towards him and kisses him, indelicately then pushes him back down on to the bed.  The man notices the open curtains and steps forward.  Will pulls back and out of sight as the man closes the drapes.  Will moves back to the bed and sits.  He thinks a moment.  His face is set.  He reaches over to the TV and snaps it on.  It is The Tonight Show where Celine Dion is emoting her way through "My Heart Will Go On."  As Will watches, tears start falling from his eyes.  He starts to SOB and then flushes from his embarrassment of it.  He seems on the verge of losing control.  Then the phone RINGS.  Will ignores it; but it persists.  He composes himself and answers.
WILL
Hello?
There is a pause on the other end.  Then a FEMALE VOICE with a British accent.
SKYLAR
(V/O) ...Will?

​WILL
Yeah?
SKYLAR
It's Skylar.
WILL
I know.
SKYLAR
I wasn't sure it was you.  It didn't sound like you.
WILL
I was sleeping.
SKYLAR
Oh, I'm sorry!  I can--
WILL
God, it's so good to hear your voice.
SKYLAR
Will, why are you here?
WILL 
Why do you think?

​And here we'll have to stop for now, because in order for me to get the dynamics of this conversation right, I've got to re-watch the movie.  It may be a little while...
But in the meantime Ladies and Gentlemen: I invite you to return to the Scottish highlands for my continuing saga of HEARTFIGHT!
Ciao,
Chris
CFR  4/16/23
Please see "Looking For Mr. Good Will Pt. 4" for next installment!

I keep getting these feeds in my phone feed (is that what the kids call it?) re: Matt and Ben reject Good Will Hunting sequel: "not pursuing that project..."
Now, about a year ago, I advised Matt to write a sequel.  I even gave him my phone number, you know, for a "confab" re: story ideas.  Despite the fact that he hasn't called me yet; allow me the liberty of indulging myself with a more fleshed out concept for the project.  It's title? Looking for Mr. Goodwill.

So, here's the schmear:
It's present day.  Will Hunting is now a middle-aged man.  He's...oh, let's see...if he was 18 in 1997...that would make him...by my math...43 now.  I suppose Matt could pass (and we can always CGI those extra lines out, right?  No, that always looks weird.  More on that later).
Will is going blind.  He has Leber's hereditary optic neuropathy; which he didn't learn about until he tracked down his birth mother, Linda, played by Diane Keaton.  Will is married to Tom, who you may recall was the esteemed mathematician Dr. Paul Lambeau's assistant at MIT.  Will was reunited with Tom at Dr. Sean Maguire's funeral, which we will see in flashbacks.  The story tells parallel stories: Will's life in 2023 and his remembrances of his past in the late 90's etc.; where the first film left off.
So Will, who discovered his bisexuality in California (San Francisco?  West Hollywood?  Let's go with San Fran) is now living with, married to and deeply in love with Tom (who doesn't have a last name in the first movie; so I will randomly pluck one from the phone book...Please hold...)
"Alderdice." So, he's Will Hunting-Alderdice.  He has a daughter, Allie who is now in her early twenties.  She assists him in his mathematical work, which is primarily teaching math to troubled youth at the Judge John J. Connelly Youth Center Juvenile Detention Facility in Roslindale.  One of his students, who is sullen and withdrawn when he's not acting out may in fact be a math savant.  Maybe even more so than Will.

Okay...so, ah, I just did a little research on the above facility and came across a first person account of some of the things that went on in that place.  I was going to write this as a piece of absurdism...but now I can't.
So here, in all seriousness, is where I would go with a sequel to Good Will Hunting.

Okay, I just saw a movie with Florence Pugh where she played a character named "Allie" so we'll have to change that.  Let me get the phone book...(please hold)...
"Lauryn" with a "y" (why?  we can find something cute to explain it later; like maybe as a child Lauren was always asking her parents (Will and Skylar) "Why?" so they started spelling her name with a y.  Oh, yes!  I love this!  As we know, in math, "y" represents a variable!  Cute, huh?
Lauryn will be played by Chloe Grace Moretz (who was born in 1997):

Our troubled young math savant/protege will be essayed by:
Well, I'm not sure.  I'm not that familiar with today's Tiger Beat set; so I would drum up some hype with a world-wide talent search for the young man who will play the "New Will Hunting."  It can't be a girl, because now that we have the juvie angle, it will have to be an all male atmosphere.  How about Ian Chen for the time being?

Works for me!
We'll get back to the present day storyline presently; but now, let's toss around some ideas for the flashback sequences.  As you may have thought, Minnie Driver's character from the original, "Skylar," has passed away from an as of yet undetermined cause.  However, Ms. Driver will be in the picture.  As will "young" Will.  How you ask, since they are both now in their 50's (like me!)? How could they possibly play college age?  Are you going to pull a Grease type sitch on me Chris? Nope.  Are you gonna use "de-aging" software? Nope. Are you gonna uncanny valley Will and Skylar with Zemeckisesque "motion capture"? Nope.  Well what the F are you gonna do Chris? 

This is what we're gonna do; and I don't think it's ever been done before.  We're going to use animation.  Old-school, hand-drawn animation!  All the flashback scenes will be done this way.  You see, by using animation, we can de-age Matt and Minnie back to their early twenties; but they'll still look like themselves and it will be their voices.  Now, I don't think this would be any more jarring then hiring two look-alike actors to play Will and Skylar.  You'd just be comparing for the entire length of the movie (and this problem would be exacerbated since we know exactly what Matt and Minnie looked like in 1997).  I'm thinking a style that is more graphic novelley than cartooney.  Oh, I don't know, something kinda like this:

Now see, here is synchronicity in action.  I did a search for "graphic novel animation style" and images from this movie, Flee, popped up.  I'd never heard of it.  Now I wanna see it.  And it's GAY!  How do you like them apples?
Yes, the graphic style of Flee would be perfect for Looking For Mr. Goodwill's flash-back sequences.
So, Chris, what happened to Will when he hit the Mass Pike and went looking for his girl, Skylar?  Does she have a last name in the original?  Let me get the phone book. (Please hold...)
Hmmm...how about Satenstein, the last name of Matt's then girlfriend.  Satenstein it is!  I wonder if Ms. Satenstein regrets having broken up with Matt.  I bet she does now!
Okay, I'm officially down a mole-hole.  We won't go with "Satenstein." Why?  Well, it seems there may be some hard feelings around Ms. Satenstein, so I'll just pluck another name from the phone book.  But it seems as though Ms. Satenstein rebounded.  She's a freakin' DOCTAH!

Okay, let me get that new name.  Please hold...
"Shankman."
Skylar Shankman, has gone off to San Francisco to pursue her dreams of organic chemistry.  She's taken a starting position in the Research and Development department of Ghirardelli Chocolate.  She is on the cutting edge of cocoa chemistry and she's also pregnant.  Guess who the father is?
​I should probably see the movie again, if I'm going to write a sequel (although, I'm not going to write it...this is just an ideathon.  Matt and Ben are going to write it and I will accept a finders fee for no less than A QUARTER OF A MILLION DOLLARS).
I'm reading Wikipedia's plot synopsis and relying on my memory.  So, I'd forgotten that Will turned 21 at the end of the original, so that will give Matt a few years back (even though, it won't really matter due to the animation, which we've discussed).  And if I recall, Will broke up with Skylar on not very good terms; so his trip to "California" may be all for naught as she probably has lost trust in him and that she would likely be pissed.  But then, if she's carrying his baby, all may be forgiven.
So...logistics.  How does Will know where in "California" Skylar is?  I guess he'd go and ask her friends or try and reach her family in England.  But since in the original, we see him heading off to "California," I think it's safe to assume Will has already figured out where she is.  So, he would know the city and perhaps her place of work.  So, we could start outside the chocolate factory (and remember, these scenes will be animated).
EXT. LOMBARD STREET -DAY
Will's Chevy is moving down the winding street in a rather stop and start fashion.
CUT TO:
INT. -CAR -DAY
Will is trying to read MAPQUEST directions as he simultaneously is attempting to keep the car from hitting the curbs.
WILL
Is this even a road?  Where the hell is this factory? (Cars behind him start HONKING)  GIMME A BREAK! I'M FROM BOSTON!  
CUT TO:
INT. GHIRARDELLI CHOCOLATE FACTORY LOBBY -DAY
Will crosses the marble floor and comes to a reception desk.  A RECEPTIONIST looks up.
RECEPTIONIST
Can I help you?
WILL
I wanted to leave something for one of your employees, a Miss Skylar Shankman...
RECEPTIONIST
Would you like me to call her office?
WILL
No...but just please make sure she gets these...
He hands the receptionist an envelope with Skylar's name on it.  And a bag of Kraft caramels.  She looks at Will quizzically. 
RECEPTIONIST
You know this is a candy factory, right?
Will smiles and points at her and makes a CLICK-CLICK sound.
CUT TO:
EXT. YMCA HOTEL -DAY
Will parallel pahks and looks up at the sign.
WILL
The YMCA in San Francisco.  What would they say back home?
He grabs his suitcase from the trunk and heads inside.

So, ah, I've been rethinking that last name "Shankman."  Those double K's make it so hard edged, it's practically comical (although, let's face it, this entire idea is somewhat, shall we say, tongue in cheek.  But, I think Skylar should have a prettier last name, or something that rolls off the tongue easier.  How about "Landry"?  Sure, let's go with that).
CUT TO:
INT. YMCA LOBBY FRONT DESK -DAY
Will is in the process of checking in.  The CLERK, male, 30's is quite friendly and quite good looking.
CLERK
...Okay Mr. Hunting, I've got a room available on the twelfth floor, twelve-oh-nine.  That's not too high up for you, is it?
WILL
Well that depends...
CLERK
On what?
WILL
If you have an elevator or not.
CLERK
(LAUGHS) Of course we do, Mr. Hunting!  So, how long will you be staying with us?
WILL
You guys do monthly rates, right?
CLERK
Oh, yes. Yearly too.
WILL
Well, I hope I'm not here for that long...
CLERK
I do.
WILL
(Turning red) Let's just keep it open--ongoing for now...
CLERK
Let me get your key...
The clerk gets the room key and presses it into Will's palm.
CLERK
The elevator is right through there.  Do you need help with your bag?
WILL
I'm good.  Thanks a lot.
CLERK
My pleasure.
CUT TO:
INT. -ELEVATOR -DAY
Will enters the elevator and just as the doors are about to close, a YOUNG MAN, 20'S in a striped shirt runs across the lobby.  He calls out to Will.
YOUNG MAN
Hold the elevator please!
Will holds the door and the young man enters.  Out of breath, he puts his back against the wall.
WILL
What floor?
YOUNG MAN
Twelve, please.
WILL
That's where I'm going.
They ride up in silence for a few moments.  The young man points at Will's shirt..
YOUNG MAN
The Cars.  That's my favorite band.
WILL 
Gotta love the Cars! (His "Cars" comes out "Cahhz").
YOUNG MAN
Ben Orr is my second cousin!
WILL
No kidding.
YOUNG MAN
You from Boston?
WILL
Is it that obvious?
YOUNG MAN
(LAUGHS) Well, I'm from Cleveland.  We have an accent too.
WILL
Really? 'Cuz I'm not getting anything.
YOUNG MAN
How long you been in the city?  Oh, did they tell you not to call it "San Fran"? Or "Frisco." It's "San Francisco" or "The City."  That's it.
WILL
Who's "they"?
YOUNG MAN
Well, everybody.
WILL
I literally just got here.  But now I know.

YOUNG MAN
We should hang out some time.  I'm Jake. Jake Doyle.
The elevator doors open and they step out into the hall.
WILL 
Will Hunting. (They shake hands).  Yeah, we could do that.  I only know one person in the city and I'm not even sure if they want to see me.
JAKE
I'm in room twelve-nineteen.  Just pick up the house phone and dial the room number.
WILL
Cool beans.  Nice to meet you.
JAKE
Yeah, you too.  Have a good night.
Jake heads in the opposite direction of Will.  Will looks up, gets his bearings and heads down the hall.
CUT TO:
INT. WILL'S ROOM -LATE AFTERNOON
The door swings open and Will enters the room.  It is small but kind of cozy.  Will puts his suitcase down and sits on the bed and looks around.  He SIGHS and rubs his face.  After a moment, he stands and goes to the window.  He parts the curtains and lifts the sash.  The view outside is of another wing of the hotel.  "L" shaped, Will's window looks out across the roof and to the opposite row of windows.  He turns to move from the window but something catches his eye.  The sun is beginning to fade and lights are coming on in some windows.  Directly across from him, Will sees a figure moving towards the window.  A young man in a striped shirt.  It is Jake.  Jake does not notice Will as he closes his own curtains.  Will puts his suitcase on the bed and opens it.  He removes a Dunkin Dounuts box, sits in the desk chair, pulls out a half eaten Boston creme and bites into it.  
CUT TO:
INT. CANDY FACTORY LOBBY -NIGHT
SKYLAR LANDRY, early 20's, steps out of the elevator with her purse and tote bag and starts towards the door.  The receptionist calls to her.
RECEPTIONIST
Miss Landry?
SKYLAR
Yes?
RECEPTIONIST
Someone left something for you...
Skylar walks to the desk where the receptionist retrieves the envelope and hands it to her.  
SKYLAR
Thanks. (She starts off but the receptionist stops her) Oh, wait...there's this too!  (She hands Skylar the bag of caramels) Skylar regards them and then opens the envelope.  It's a note-card depicting Snoopy from Peanuts. He's lying in his doghouse, his head on the grass as a rain cloud storms above him.  She opens the card and reads the inscription:
"Love means never having to say it's arbitrary"
I'm at the downtown YMCA if you want to come by.
Will
Skylar SIGHS, begins to wad up the card but then stops.  She crams it and the caramels into her tote bag and moves across the lobby.
RECEPTIONSIST
Have a good night!
SKYLAR
Not bloody likely!
CUT TO:
Jake Doyle will be played by:

Notice: Contains spoilers for the movie TAR, starring Cate Blanchett!

So, we watched TAR last night (sorry, don't know how to get that accent above the "A").  If I can say anything about the film, it would be that it was an "experience."  I'm not sure what I experienced...but let's look at the "teaser" trailer for the movie (which I saw several times in the cinema: we watched, TAR, however, via Netflix (a CD no less!).

Okay, my first question here is: what's happening?  Is she vaping?  Is she a smoker?  Well, as she does neither in the movie, I have to assume that she's just blowing smoke.  Whether or not it's up my ass is another question.  However, you can't know that she doesn't smoke or vape until you see the movie.  Which I now have.  Looking retroactively at the trailer, I have to wonder the filmmaker's intention: literally: "Is she just blowing hot air here?"
Okay, so let's take "TAR" one step at a time.  Here are some of the questions this clearly, deliberately obfuscating film raised for me.
1. Is this supposed to be a character study of a narcissist?
2. What is a U-Haul lesbian? (Okay, I just looked that up and now I know).
3. Exactly, just what does a conductor do with the orchestra; because I've never really known and will this movie make      it clear?​ E.g.: where do they get their batons?  Mail-order?  Batons-R-Us?
4. What, exactly, has Lydia done that gets her "cancelled?"
5. Is she really that pretentious?
6. Why does the Russian cello girl apparently live in an abandoned warehouse?
7. Why doesn't Ms. Tar have the slightest sense of humor?  Even Towering Geniuses like her don't get far in life                  without some charm.
8. Is Ms. Tar mentally ill?  Why is she hearing beeping sounds at night and then staring into the refrigerator?
9. Is Ms. Tar being stalked?  If she isn't, who is leaving cryptic drawings and fucking around with her metronome at            night?
10. Why does this story require two hours and thirty-eight minutes to be told?
So, in examining that trailer closer, I can't tell if Ms. Blanchett is actually expelling an actual cloud of smoke from her mouth or if it's CGI; or perhaps both.  There seem to be figures coalescing in the smoke: a skull perhaps?  What are we to make of the uber-serious, portentous narration over the image?  What does "...the bee fertilizes the flower it robs..." mean?  What is all this talk of gods?  Why does true power require camouflage?  Why in order to have true power, does one have to "obliterate" themselves in front of the public and God?  These comments seem to be sending out mixed messages.  Who wrote this narrative voice-over?  I'm guessing it was the writer/director of the movie, Mr. Todd Field.  I'm guessing Mr. Field is a pretty intelligent person.  Ergo, there is no way he wouldn't know the level of pomposity, pretentiousness and pontification of this trailer.  So, if he knows...what does that mean?  Is it satire?  Is he mocking the self-importance of the Art Film itself?  He must be!  For nothing could explain the absurd number of accolades regarding Ms. Tar that we hear coming from the moderator from The New Yorker that I'm assuming is taking place in Carnegie Hall.  How could it be anywhere less?  Yes, we know Mr. Field is intelligent (although there must've been a blip when he chose to purchase this hat):

Let's watch this other trailer that gives us more of an idea of the tone of TAR and features several moments of the opening "interview."

As the moderator's obsequious list of Ms. Tar's achievements went on for what became a comical amount of time; after the second "...and if that wasn't enough..."  I imagined him saying things like:
"...and not only that, she can play the trombone...with her feet!"
"...in the early aughts, she dedicated herself to her one woman string quartet..."
"...her Concerto for Accordion in B-flat is considered the finest piece of accordion music in the history of accordions!"
"...music critic Paul Griffiths wrote, and I quote: 'Her mastery of the kazoo has left the music world racing to catch up; and audiences transported to places beyond the space/time continuum.  To wit: Lydia Tar IS the kazoo.' Unquote."
Yes, I jest.  But it really is so ridiculously imperious (everything, the tone, the dialogue, Lydia's demeanor, Cate Blanchett's acting, the directing...) that you can't help but ask yourself: "Is this a put on?"
I've seen Mr. Field's other directorial efforts.  In the Bedroom and Little Children.  All I remember from Little Children was, I think, Kate Winslet getting banged on top of a washing machine(?) by a hunky actor who looks exactly like two other hunky actors.  My husband and I call In the Bedroom "the smokingist movie ever." Just thinking about it makes me want a cigarette.  There was something to do with lobsters...
Both those movies, though, were pretty straight forward.  TAR is decidedly NOT straight forward.  It's not even straight!

What was the choice in making her a lesbian?  I think it would've been more interesting, from the "cancel culture" perspective, that she had a string of boy toys.  But that's just me.  She refers to herself as a "U-Haul" lesbian: that is, one who stereotypically "shacks up" with a girlfriend by the second date.  But she wasn't a U-Haul lesbian, clearly, if she's carrying on a string of dalliances with young women who it seems willingly throw themselves at her.  How, exactly, does this make her a "predator,"? the word being used in much of the language around this movie?  We never see her "preying" on anyone. We see her favoring the young Russian cellist.  But is it for sexual reasons or is it simply the politics of her workplace.  If she'd seduced the girl with the promise of the position, that would be one thing.  But she doesn't.  She's actually quite kind to the girl. And it's so unclear about anything about her relationship with the woman from the past who committed suicide, that it's impossible to form an opinion (as a viewer), as to her behavior.  At least in that regard.  We do see her threaten a child with implied violence; but again, it's ambiguous.  Are we supposed to see this as dangerously psychotic or merely as "Mama Bear" protective mode?
You know, I wanted to not like this movie; simply because it so full of itself in every way.  But I keep thinking about it; and for me, that's a sign that I've watched something with some depth.  That run time was punishing though.  It just wasn't necessary.  I think it will keep a lot of people away from seeing it, let alone re-watching it.
So, let me answer the questions I raised in the beginning.
1. I would say yes.  And no.  I mean, she's totally full of herself but I didn't see her doing any of the typical things narcissists do.  Like, she never gaslights anyone.  She's pretty up front about her behavior.  She puts her money where her mouth is.  If she's achieved all of the things the movie tells me she has, then I think she has the right to be a little big headed.
2.Answered.
3. I learned the conductor keeps time with their right hand and "shapes" with the left.  Other than that, no.  I did not learn anything else about conducting.  Why did we not see her conduct her own composition she was working on?  Take us through that?  Seems like the movie should have.  And it's a flop.  And that's what takes her down.
​4.Apparently she had an affair with a red-headed woman who ended up committing suicide.  Lydia advised an orchestra that this woman was unstable and shouldn't hire her.  This woman stalked Lydia then killed herself...so, yeah, clearly she was unstable.  A video was cobbled together and edited to make her seem like a bigot and a grabber of knees.  Clearly this was all out of context; anyone could see that.  So, I would say no.  She didn't do anything that should of lost her her job. Well, then again, she did try and delete all those emails...so, yeah...I suppose that's a dismissible offense. And who made the video?  It seemed to come from numerous sources that it couldn't have.  In reality, that is.
5. Yes.
6.The girl couldn't have lived there, as it is presented.  Which led me to believe that the girl didn't actually exist and that the movie was really about a woman having a mental come apart.  Which brings us to the bear...and the dog...(which I will get to later).
7. It seems to me that Lydia, in what we come to discover later in the movie, has created her persona from whole cloth (which would explain the scene in the tailor shop!).  In her mind, a "great Maestro" would be super-serious...so, nothing so low brow as humor.
8. It seems as though Ms. Tar is having some kind of mental breakdown; which, let's face it, is kind of a cliche.  Yet another crazy woman of The Cinema: Marnie, Black Swan, Repulsion, Fatal Attraction...the list goes on).  Why are all these crazy lady movies generally written and directed by men?  Gee, I wonder.  I guess a woman going off the rails is sexier.  But TAR refuses to come out and tell us.  Is she crazy or isn't she?  Who attacked her?  A large black dog, or some strange man, which is what she tells everyone is what happened.  Or, was she imagining the whole thing and simply tripped and banged her face?  Did the dog and the stuffed bear toy exist?  The black dog is a traditional symbol of a demon; so is Lydia being stalked by her demons, which are catching up to her?  
"In folklore worldwide, Bear sits in a position of judgment, often representing morality. They offer lessons in both what to do and what not to do in order to maintain the high ground. They grant rewards to the righteous and punish those who are immoral."  So is Lydia being punished for her immoral behavior.  For her "predatory" behavior.  I'm gonna say, yes.
9. Ms. Tar, I think, is being literally ghosted by the dead girl with the red hair.  It is this "ghost" that is leaving cryptic messages and so forth.  At least, that's how it should be taken in the world of this movie.  I think there's also a possibility that Lydia's wife is doing it.  She's the one gaslighting the narcissist.  I mean, she doesn't seem to like Lydia very much and later on withholds their daughter from Lydia, which, I'm sorry, you can't just do that.
10.  It doesn't.  A good forty minutes could've been shaved off, making the movie tighter and thus, better.  I mean, why did we have to see her jogging a dozen times?  Why did her conversations with everyone drag on for twice as long as they should have?

Hmmmm...I just noticed the word "FAG" can be seen in the graffiti in the reverse shot.  Coincidence?  I don't know.  Everything in this movie seems very deliberate.
Some more questions.  What is the meaning of the accordion?  Why is Ms. Tar's foundation for young, aspiring female musicians called The Accordion Project, or whatever it was.  And later, Ms. Tar "plays" an accordion in her second apartment.  Why the hell would high falutin' Lydia Tar have an accordion, the one musical instrument that is so low brow it is a literal punchline?  Is this a sly joke?  That Lydia is not quite as high falutin' as she thinks?
I must say, I loved the scene where Lydia tackled her replacement during Mahler's 5th symphony. I didn't see that coming!  Actually, I wished they had gone further with the scene.  Like, it would've been AWESOME to see a De Palmaesque slo-mo scene of Lydia, like, trashing musical instruments like a rock star.  She picks up a cello and bashes it over her rivals head.  She shoots him with a bow from a violin, using the violin like an archer.  Oh!  And then, pandemonium breaks out and the other musicians go nuts and start fighting with their instruments, in their formal clothes, all while Stravinsky's Rite of Spring plays over the scene.

So, I'm gonna wrap this up now.  I'm not even going to get into the massage parlor scene and its possible meanings.
I will say though, the ending, where Lydia is conducting an orchestra for what appears to be a Furry convention, although amusing, didn't really work for me.  I don't think Lydia would've taken a demeaning job like that.  I mean, why?  She didn't appear to need money.  In fact, she seemed quite wealthy.  Someone like her would just bide their time until the "problem" blew over, I think. And slowly start working back.  You know, like scoring a TV show. 
So, those are my thoughts about TAR.
I recommend it.  But you'll want a lot of things around to make those nearly three hours go by faster.  Do some bills.  Do your nails.  Organize your record collection.  Practice your batoning.  Blow some smoke.  Whatever.

CFR  4/13/23

And maybe just some plain old observations...
​It was October 1991.  I was half-way across the United States on my cross-country journey to Los Angeles.  Hollywood. A new life of spectacular promise!  Why had I waited so long?  I'd graduated from college three years earlier.  Those three years, more or less a giant party; the party I hadn't had while I was actually in college.  I was crossing the Mississippi river on I-40(?). I remember thinking: "Wow. I'm crossing the Mississippi River!" I looked to my right. "Wow!  There's the St. Louis Gateway Arch!" and then it was quickly in my rear-view mirror.
I had the fleeting thought that maybe I should pull off and go and see it.  But then, I didn't.  I was in an all-fired hurry, you see, to get to my new life in sunny California.  Glamorous Hollywood!  Looking back now, I wish I had stopped.

Joseph had been to see it as a kid.  His family knew people who were involved in the actual construction of the thing!  So, for sentimental reasons he wanted to go back.  I've always been fascinated by it.  It and myself came into the world at approximately the same time.  And it's still standing.  And so am I.  Actually, when you see it up close, one of the first things you think is that it doesn't seem possible.  It doesn't seem like it should exist, let alone that it can stand.  It is at once imposing and mercurial.  Overwhelming yet ethereal.  It is massive yet graceful.  You get the idea: it is simultaneously many opposing concepts at once.  I was stunned at how tall it is.  You don't get a sense until you are standing beneath it.  900 tons of stainless steel propelled 63 stories into the sky and down again.  And it seems even higher than that!  And yet, the Gateway Arch gets almost none of the hype of say, the Great Pyramids or The Eiffel Tower, or the Arch de Triomphe, even.  If you never visited it, I urge you to.  That is, unless you have claustrophobia, acrophobia, megalaphobia, or metallaphobia.  You see, to get to the top, you've got to wedge yourself into a drum that fits five adults (and remember, this was back before free refills, Big Gulps and high-fructose corn syrup).  The drum, like a Ferris wheel car, stays level as it goes up and down.

It's gotten stuck before.  Hey, I can say I did it now.  But I'm good.  I'm set for life on that one.
So, we stayed in a really cool hotel in the old downtown, just a skip and jump from the Arch.  Its restaurant was closed, so we went up the block to another hotel, The Hotel Saint Louis for a nice dinner.  It was quite swank.  Hoity-toity even.  So, here's the first synchronicity.  They had pheasant on the menu.  Not pheasant under glass; but pheasant.  It was the first time in my life that I can recall ever seeing pheasant on a menu.  And it was odd because I'd recently written a comedy sketch about Frances McDormand as the proprietress of a very strange diner.  A diner that had pheasant under glass as one of its menu items.  Weird?  I think it is!
It gets weirder.  A lot weirder.  If you read these blogs with any kind of frequency, you might know that I've talked about both Robin Williams and Tom Hanks at length.  So keep that in mind.  So, after dinner, we were exploring the hotel.  You know how hotels will always have like, furniture everywhere?  Tables and chairs, of course; but stuff like armoires, chifforobes, credenzas, bureaus, chests of drawers, side-boards: you know, like strategically placed around the premises to A) Keep the place from looking too sterile B) Surfaces to place objets d' art, floral arrangements etc. C) Just because.  I like to look in those things.  I will open the doors, pull out the drawers, push up the roll top...I need to know what's in there!!!  Usually it's nothing.  Sometimes it's stuff like plates and flatware. Extra napkins.  One time I opened up the drawer on an antique coffee grinder that was on a shelf at the Hotel Roanoke and found a note inside.  It read: "A curious mind is a beautiful thing."
Joseph does not usually join me in this activity.  In fact, he actively encourages me to cease and desist.  But at the Hotel St. Louis, for some reason he decided to open the door to a cabinet.  I joined him and we looked inside.  There was something cylindrical on one of the shelves.  It was wrapped in yellow tissue paper.  I picked it up and unwrapped it.  It was a votive candle, never lit.  It seemed as though someone might've received it as a gift and perhaps forgot about it?  Or didn't want it...
This was the candle:

Except this isn't the candle. Same person; but my candle is different.  I can't find my version on line, which I think is even weirder still.  I mean, how many versions of the Robin Williams votive candle can there be??? I will post a picture of mine later...
​So, here is my "Saint" Robin Williams votive candle from Saint Louis, MO:

Now, I say it's "my" candle.  Well, it is now.  Did I steal it?  I bitch here, A LOT, about stealing.  But I must confess I have a good bit of the sneak thief in me.  One of my favorite movies is Marnie, which is about a lady thief; and in that movie, you're always rooting for her to get away with it.  This may be rationalizing, but I feel this candle was trapped in that cabinet and called out to Joseph to open that door.  It was wrapped in yellow tissue paper.  It had never been unwrapped.  Why?  Why was it in there?  How did it get in there?  There was also a really cool retro style, portable turntable sitting next to it:

I coulda just walked out with that too, but Joseph put the kibosh on that one.  I already have like a half-dozen turntables as it is, so I let it be.  But Chris you exclaim: "You stole that candle!" And I might reply: "Did I though?  It was kind of in a no man's land of ownership, wasn't it?  I mean, it was clearly meant as a gift.  It was either never given, or it was received and lost.  Or received and forgotten.  Or received and rejected.  The UNIVERSE simply regifted it...to ME!!!"
Okay, yes.  I stole it.  But now it has a home.  A flame.  An answered prayer.
It was wrapped in yellow tissue paper.  Yellow is one of my favorite colors. But it's a color of contradictions...it represents creativity and joy; but it also warns and can cause anxiety.  Two sides of a coin.  Sounds like most of the artists I know.
So, this may not be synchronicity but I thought this was interesting.  Our hotel room was on the eighth floor, overlooking an intersection.  There wasn't as much traffic as you would think; but it was extremely LOUD traffic.  One morning I said to Joseph: "Did you hear that traffic?  It sounded like a muscle car drag race.  What's up with that?" He agreed.  I looked up "loud cars in Saint Louis."  It's a thing.  It's a downtown Saint Louis thing.  People are drag racing, drifting, doing stunts, revving engines, speeding etc.  It's like The Fast and the Furious all night long.  How weird is that?
We went to the downtown library.  One of the most beautiful I've ever seen.

And their collections were just as amazing.  I've been wanting to do some drawings for a project, utilizing Andy Warhol's early "broken line technique."  The first shelf I walked to in the library had a book on Warhol with an entire chapter devoted to how he may have achieved this effect (apparently, there is no definitive explanation).​

Last piece of the puzzle.
I wrote a blog about acting and actors and fame and success.  One of the pictures featured Tom Hanks.  On a candle.  Dressed as a Saint.
Weird?
​I think so.  But also kind of fantastic.

And Tom, I'm still waiting for my autographed copy of this picture.  And see, you're wearing yellow...
Weird.
Fantastic.
Ciao!

CFR  3/30/23
Addendum: So, the label on the back of the St. Robin candle is marked "Shop BobbyK.com" So, I looked it up. It's a funky boutique in Jacksonville Florida: kind of like WACKO in L.A.  Here's the thing...Joseph has been wanting to relocate from Roanoke, VA; and as fond as I've become of it, I'm ready for a change myself.  He asked me to pick some "warm" places.  After a little research, I put Jacksonville, Florida at the top of my list.  Very interesting...(Joseph says he will not live in Florida on principle.  We'll see...)

Ick stands behind Paddy, very close.  He makes some adjustments to Paddy's positioning.  It is very "hands on." Is Ick aware of his demonstrativeness? It's hard to say. Paddy tries to be stoic. Sean fidgets.
ICK
(Placing his hands over Paddy's) Okay, so you just want to take the tipper or cipin, as it's also called; and do a stroke like this...(Ick moves Paddy's hand so that the cipin gently glides across the skin) All right, well that's where we want to get; but let's put the tipper down and just use your hand.  It's all in the wrist.  You want to loosen up that wrist.
Ick demonstrates by flicking his wrist. Paddy follows in kind. Sean also flips his wrists; albeit in a somewhat mocking way.  Sean GIGGLES.  Paddy glares at Sean.
ICK
I said "loose" Sean.  Not "limp."
SEAN
I didn't say anything!
PADDY
I swear to God, Sean...
SEAN
(Laughing)  I'm sorry but it looks like you're having a roight proper wank!
Ick and Paddy look at their hands, consider, then break down LAUGHING as well.
CUT TO:
EXT. SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS -DAY
A vista of stunning hills, swathed in green.  Outcroppings of stone.  Rolling clouds.  We see the figures of Henry, Danny and Seamus, making their way across the grass.  Their goal: a massive stone castle at the top of a crag.

SEAMUS
Gentlemen, welcome to Duntulm!
DANNY
Aren't we staying at that wee little hotel we passed?
HENRY
"Wee" means "little," Danny.
SEAMUS
(Pointing) There's your hotel!
CUT TO:
EXT. DUNTULM CASTLE TRAINING CAMP -DAY
The castle is mostly ruins; but set up within the walls is a fairly modern collection of military style Sibley tents.  Seamus is leading Henry and Danny to the tent area when an extremely large man in a kilt walks towards them.  This is  CLAUDIO, late 30's.  He is Seamus' right hand man.  The two embrace.
CLAUDIO
Welcome back Captain.  
SEAMUS
Henry, Danny, this is Claudio.  Perhaps the finest trainer to come out of Switzerland since...well...ever!
CLAUDIO
I was just on my way to the mess tent for my second-and-a-half lunch.
DANNY
Don't tell me.  Haggis?
CLAUDIO
(Winces and sticks out his tongue and shakes his head) Nice to meet you both.
Claudio continues on his way and Seamus holds open the flap of a tent.
"Claudio" will be played by "Cesaro" the wrestler.  ​

You know, if you simply admit you're stealing something, does that make it okay?  But this is a case of "homage." Am I right people?

CUT TO:
INT.  TENT -DAY
The tent has four sets of bunk beds.  It is rather Spartan, as one might expect; but not the end of the world.
SEAMUS
You lads can take the bunk against the wall there...it's not exactly the Ritz; but then, you're not here for pillow mints.
DANNY
(Raising an eyebrow, pondering) Well, in any event, I can't stay... 
SEAMUS
It's a long hike back to Dunvegan.
DANNY
I'll spend the night at that wee tiny hotel we passed.
HENRY
"Wee" means "tiny" Danny.
DANNY
Will you stop busting my chops?
SEAMUS
I think we're all a wee bit hangry. (Pulls two kilts from hooks on the wall).  Put these on and meet me at the mess tent.
DANNY
I need to charge my phone. Where's the outlet?
SEAMUS
No outlets.  No phone. No electricity.
DANNY
How do you cook the food?
SEAMUS
The old fashioned way!
SMASH CUT TO:
Venison, an entire deer's worth, roasting on a spit above a fire pit.  Danny stares at it then proceeds to gag.  After a few moments he turns away and full on throws up.
SEAMUS
What?  You don't fancy venison?
Claudio, who is turning the spit CHUCKLES.

CUT TO:
EXT. CAMPFIRE -NIGHT
Danny and Henry are sitting on stones that are arranged in a ring around the fire.  They are alone.
HERNRY
Feeling better?
DANNY
I suppose.  I don't know what the hell I ate; but it wasn't too bad.  You know they got fellahs here from everywhere! Ladies too! I was talking to this one guy...he's a Maasai warrior.  He's "brushing up" on Krav-maga.  Says he wants to be a private body guard to the stars!  (Indicates kilt) Now why do I have to wear this?
HENRY
Beats me...are you gonna stay the night?
DANNY
This is your gig, Hank.  I can make it to that wee hotel in an hour or so...(He looks up to see roughly 30 FIGURES, in  a range of ages from 18 to ? carrying torches in one hand, logs in the other, emerging from the dark)  What's this now...?
The figures, all in kilts and cloaks, take their places: one at each rock.  Claudio is among them.  SIRONKA, the previously mentioned Maasai warrior, is there.  A MAORI MAN, (QUEEQUEG) with facial tattoos. CHEVAS, a Bolivian woman wearing a bowler hat. And ROB GRONKOWSKI who is playing a trainee named KEVIN.  Seamus moves into the circle and stands before Henry and Danny.
SEAMUS
Brothers and sisters!  We are here tonight to welcome two more into the circle...

​Danny shakes his head in startled surprise.
SEAMUS
Henry, please stand with me...(Henry stands and joins Seamus in front of the fire)...and Kevin, please join us...
(Danny breathes a SIGH of relief as Kevin stands and joins the other two men.  Seamus removes a pin in the shape of a sword from his kilt).  
SEAMUS
This is the symbol of clan O'Farrell, my clan.  Our clan.  And now you will be one with the clan as well...
Seamus makes a small cut on the underside of his forearm.  He nods at Henry, who presents his arm.  Seamus cuts it in the same place.  Seamus turns to Kevin and Kevin presents his arm.  The cut is made.  Seamus slaps his hand over Henry's arm, Henry grasps Kevin's and then Kevin, Seamus.  The palms of their hands are over the wounds, the three arms forming a triangle.

SEAMUS
This bond between brothers...this ternion of arms...cannot be broken...you are now and always will be Clan O'Farrell!
(SHOUTS, CALLS, ULULATIONS, ETC. rise from the gathering).  And now...we FIGHT!
CHANTING in unison, each person moves, one at a time, from their position.  As they pass the fire, each one throws their log and their torch onto it.  With each passing fighter, the flames grow higher and higher.  Each person moves on to a second circle on the grass, and again, form a ring.  Seamus leads Henry and Kevin into the circle.
SEAMUS
Sons of the clan...please remove your shoes and your upper garments...
KEVIN
(In an extremely American accent) What about my skirt?  I'm wearing skivvies...(LAUGHTER from the crowd).
SEAMUS
It's a kilt, Kevin.  You may leave it on.  (Henry and Kevin, strip down to just their kilts).  All right, lads.  Let's see what you've got.  No particular fighting style...just who's first to hold the other down for a count of three.
DANNY
What does he win?
SEAMUS
Oh, nothing...we just want to see a fight.
A Celtic drum starts BEATING and Henry and Kevin move around the circle, sizing one another up.  We see surreptitious exchanges of chits in the crowd.  People are betting.  Kevin is a good two inches taller than Henry; but then Henry is a good six foot two inches.  After a couple more circles, Kevin rears up his massive frame and charges at Henry; apparently going for the takedown.  Just before he is about to reach Henry; Henry leaps up and throws his legs over Kevin's shoulders, facing forward, in a sitting position.  Henry's kilt, of course, blinds Kevin who tumbles backwards on to the ground.  Henry turns, grabs Kevin's ankles and yanks his legs out to the side, easily pining him for the count of three.  The crowd CHEERS.  Henry stands and offers his hand to the stunned Kevin, who doesn't seem to realize what's happened.  Kevin staggers off and Seamus grabs Henry's wrist and hoists his arm into the air.  Henry, for his part, seems rather dispassionate about it all.  
SEAMUS
Let the games begin!
More CHEERS as different fighters start pairing off into groups for some impromptu matches; which seems much more like playing than fighting.
CUT TO:
EXT. -CAMP FIRE -NIGHT
Some time later.  People are still grappling; but the crowd has thinned.  Seamus, Claudio, Kevin, Henry and Danny are staring into the flames; their faces smeared with dirt and grass-stains.
SEAMUS
So Danny, when are you off to your wee little hotel?
DANNY
Oh, just about now, I should think.
CLAUDIO
Are you sure about that, lad?
DANNY 
Of course I'm sure.  It's just nine o'clock...
CLAUDIO
You're not worried about the kelpies?
KEVIN
What's a kelpie?
CLAUDIO
You want to tell them Captain?  Or should I?
SEAMUS
I'll tell them.  A kelpie is a horse...
DANNY
Why would I be worried about a horse?
SEAMUS
A kelpie isn't just any horse Danny.  It's a dark horse...

KEVIN
You mean it's a black horse?
SEAMUS
It can be black...but it can be grey sometimes, or even white.  The kelpie, you see, comes from the loch...or a river; both of which are on the path back to your wee tiny hotel Danny.  Travelers come across the kelpie at night.  It can be in bright moonlight or the pitch of black.  It will raise its head to you...gently graze its hoof against the ground, beckoning you.  You'll be drawn to it.  You won't know why; but you will.  It's too late you've noticed that it's hooves are facing the wrong way and that it's tail has fish-scales; because you've already climbed on to it's back.  It takes to the night sky and it doesn't turn back. Neither can you because you'll find you're stuck to the devil...like glue.  You can't dismount.  And that's when the kelpie screams its blood freezing whinny that shatters the sky like glass as it plunges back into the loch...where you too scream and when you do your lungs fill with water and you meet your ignominious end.  If you're lucky...they might find your entrails on the banks...because it's eaten the rest of you.
There is suddenly utter silence as everyone ponders this.
DANNY
That's just fooking creepy.
KEVIN
(To Henry) You're not wearing skivvies, are you?
CUT TO:
INT. TENT -NIGHT
Danny, in the top bunk, pulls the blanket up to his chin. Henry is in the bunk below him.
HENRY
Good night Danny.
DANNY
Good night Hank.
There is silence for a few moments and then Henry starts slapping his thighs, creating the sound of HOOF BEATS.
DANNY
Stop!
Henry WHINNIES and SNORTS.
DANNY
That's not funny!
FADE OUT...
HERE COMES THE...TRAINING MONTAGE!
We see a blank screen: a black void.  An out of focus image begins to appear and the soundtrack is muffled.  When the image comes into focus after a moment, we can see that it's a close-up of the surface of the skin of a drum.  A hand holding a cipin begins to move over the bodhran's surface and we can now clearly hear the DRUMBEATS.  The camera pulls out and we see that the player of the drum is Paddy, whose marked proficiency with the instrument is clear. Ick, grinning ear to ear, is watching Paddy play; as well as Sean and Cal.
ICK
You're a natural Paddy!  You play that thing like you were born with it!
CAL
Is there nothing you can't do Paddy?
PADDY
Fly, apparently.
ICK
You're getting there man!  Ever since you picked up that drum...
SEAN
...Now, if you could fly and play the drum at the same time...that'd be something.
Sean winks at Ick.  The scene we're watching contracts to a square: a screen within the screen.  A black grid of squares and rectangles of various sizes appears and we see different scenes playing out in each.  Sometimes the same scene, sometimes different scenes.  Sometimes the action is happening at the Duntulm training camp; other times at the Lani-Batali headquarters. Sometimes both.  A plane of action can take up the entire screen, particularly if there is dialogue.
The music over this montage, unlike "Kick of Destiny"s cheesy pop-song, will not be...well...a cheesy pop song.  My mind is showing it to me with classic Celtic music (think The Chieftains); but that's become something of a cliche now as well.  Maybe a classic rock tune?  Something from Heart maybe?  "Barracuda"?  "Crazy on You"? "Magic Man"?  Oh wait...Heart!  Why did Heart just come to mind?  Heartfight perhaps?  I guess it's gotta be Heart now...

A rectangle comes forward, filling the screen.  Roddy is standing on the training ground in front of Paddy and a half-dozen other Lani-Batali fighters.  Roddy, in a designer track suit, is holding a staff which is about six feet long.  On one end is a knob, about the size of a softball, covered in padded leather.  At the other end is a paddle, roughly the size of one on a canoe oar, also covered in padded leather.  Roddy displays the staff.
RODDY
Gentlemen, this is the Tao-Stick, a device you are going to come to know well.  Intimately.  On this end, we have the tenilo (he indicates the knob); and on the other end, meet the remeti (he flips the staff to the paddle end).  You'll soon be asking yourselves which of the two is the worse...or the greater...depending on your viewpoint.  Now, I designed this gentlemen; but that doesn't mean I know how to use it.  Let's meet someone who does...
A large POLYNESIAN GENTLEMAN, MAKANI, 30'S, steps forward and takes the staff.  Roddy steps back and Makani starts spinning the Tao-stick...
The rectangle recedes and some squares come forward:
Inside the squares we see:
​EXT. SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS -DAY
Henry is on one end of a log.  The log is on the loch.  On the other end of the log is CHEVAS, 30's.  She is a Bolivian "Cholita" (lady wrestler).  She is wearing a kilt, a bowler hat and a jogging bra.  Henry, also in a kilt, is barefoot, as is Chevas.  They are in the process of "birling" or log rolling.  Henry seems a little unsure of himself.  Seamus is on the shore with a megaphone.  Next to him, Claudio is looking at a stopwatch.
SEAMUS
Engage your core Henry!
HENRY
My what?
Chevas speeds up her footwork and launches Henry into the water.
SEAMUS
Time.
CLAUDIO
Fifteen seconds.
HENRY
Better than fourteen.
CHEVAS
(To Henry) Estas todo lavado! (LAUGHS).
The squares move across the screen and reform, then split into two rectangles.  In one rectangle we see Paddy doing bench presses, with Cal spotting him.  In the other we see Henry on the grass, doing curls...with rocks. 

​The grid of images continues to shift.  In one we see Queequeg demonstrating the Maori haka dance.  In another we see Henry, Chevas, Queequeg, and other trainees running barefoot up the hill towards the castle.  From out of nowhere, Sironka comes from behind and overtakes everyone.  He retrieves a bouquet of heather from atop a boulder and waves his arms in triumph.  When the others start reaching the boulder, he LAUGHS as he showers them with the flowers.
We see Paddy in the wind chamber, now wearing an outfit that has sensors on it, wielding the Tao stick.  His opponent, Makani, jabs Paddy in the chest with the tenilo.  A BUZZER sounds and a scoreboard registers 10 points.  We hear Roddy on Paddy's headset:
RODDY
You just lost the round mate...
PADDY
I'm aware, Roddy.
Roddy turns to Cal.
RODDY
We've got to give him a real feel for it.  We're gonna throw him out of an airplane.
In Scotland: caber tossing, rock throwing, greased pole climbing.  We see Queequeg doing his haka dance as the camera pulls back to show us others, including Henry, doing it as well.  The scene changes.  Henry is practicing Scottish Backhold wrestling with Kevin.  At one point Kevin hurls Henry to the grass and exacts a little revenge by sitting on Henry's face.
KEVIN
Guess what Hank; I'm not wearing skivvies.
HANK
(From beneath Kevin's kilt) I'm aware Kev...
In another square we see Henry, resting on his bed in the tent.  Claudio enters and approaches Henry and places a set of uilleann pipes on his chest.
CLAUDIO
The Captain wants you to play these.  Thinks it will enhance your breath control.
HENRY
Well, I played clarinet in the high school band.  Poorly, I might add.
CLAUDIO
The Captain will help you when he gets back.  In the meantime, Ozan could give you some pointers.  He's quite proficient.
HENRY
The Turkish guy?  He barely speaks any English.
CLAUDIO
I'm just the captain's messenger.
HENRY
Where is he, anyways?
CLAUDIO
On a pilgrimage.
HENRY
A pilgrimage to where?
CLAUDIO
Saville Row.  He's doing the Graham Norton show tomorrow night.
Claudio leaves and Henry sits up. He bemusedly tries to figure out the instrument.

More parallelograms, more scenes:
Paddy going at training dummy with the Tao stick.  He spins it.  Thrusts and jabs.  He jabs it so hard he knocks it over.  He looks sheepishly at Cal.
CAL
That was an eleven Paddy.  You're gonna need to dial that back to about a six...
As the MONTAGE concludes; we see a split screen.  On the right, a  Twin Otter is soaring over England.  We can see the green patchwork of the terrain.  Inside the plane, suited up for a skydive, are Paddy, Roddy, Ick, Sean, Cal and several employees of the skydiving company.
ICK
(To Paddy) Are you excited?
PADDY
I think I pissed myself.
ICK
(LAUGHS) No worries Paddy. I've got you covered, literally.
And with that, he puts Paddy in front of him and buckles himself to Paddy for a tandem jump.  Roddy pairs with Sean and Cal with Kelly O'Kelly, who is along for the ride.  The instructor, TASHA MORGAN, is in charge of the jump.
TASHA
All right everyone.  Final safety check and we're go!
She begins checking the rigs.
CAL
(To Kelly)
Are you sure you've done this before?
KELLY
I'm fully licensed Cal.  I won't lose you!
​On the left side of the screen we see a Skyvan threading the sky over the Scottish highlands.  On that plane is Henry and Kevin and Seamus and Claudio and several INSTRUCTORS.  INSTRUCTOR #1 is checking the hooks on Seamus' tandem rig. He's connected to Henry.  Claudio is behind Kevin.
KEVIN
I'm not sure about this.  Can I change my mind?
SEAMUS
Your mind?  This is going to change your life, laddie!  Are you ready Henry.
Henry nods. 
The instructor gives a thumbs up and launches Seamus and Henry from the back of the Skyvan.  Claudio and Kevin quickly follow.
KEVIN
AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
On either side of the screen we watch the divers in free-fall.  As the camera closes on the faces of Henry and Paddy, it's as though they're diving together.  The usually stoic Henry is grinning like a fool.  The usually happy-go-lucky Paddy seems as though he's staring down death.
ICK
Relax Paddy.  I've got you...
When the parachutes are opened, the one on the right side of the screen is the Union Jack.  On the left is the white cross of St. Andrew on the field of blue.  The sides of the screen retract into squares as the screen goes black.
FADE UP:
INT. GRAN'S KITCHEN -DAY
Donna is sitting at the kitchen table.  Opposite her is Gran who pours some tea for them.  A smart phone, on speaker, is in the middle of the table.
DONNA
I don't understand why I can't talk to him Danny.
CUT TO:
INT. APARTMENT IN LONDON -NIGHT
Danny is sitting in a very sparsely furnished, slightly run down room.  He walks around inspecting things as he talks.
DANNY
He doesn't have a phone up there Donna.  How many times do I have to tell you that?  Besides, the training is wrapping up in a couple of days and then he'll be in London with me.
DONNA
I thought you were in Scotland.
DANNY
Roddy Shannon is based here and I'm this close to getting him to sign Hank.  Then he'll have to train to learn this Lani-Batali stuff.
DONNA
That is the stupidest name I've ever heard for a sport.
DANNY
How about Pickled balls? (Donna GIGGLES on the other end of the phone) Made ya laugh!  I will have him call you the second I see him.
DONNA
Thank you Danny.
DANNY
(V/O) You're welcome.  Bye Gran--
GRAN
G'bye love.
Donna clicks the phone off.
DONNA
Wanna go to London?

Please see HEARTFIGHT PT. 4 for the next installment.

​CFR  4/14/23

So ABC are you just flat out stealing from me now?  You know, I'm getting tired of hearing myself bitch about this.  But I have to put it out there...again.
So last nights episode of The Goldbergs did a show all about, guess what?  Annie, that's what.  The beloved musical about Americas favorite, red-headed little orphan girl:

Who the hell is Morris Weiss?  And how does he get what he wants?

Now as you faithful followers of my blogs know; I did a little play called The Son'll Come Out Tomorrow--
Oh, that janky little theatrical you staged in a church basement?
Oh, hey everyone...it's Teena Faye...Hey Teena!

I like your new...glasses...
​Thanks.
And you got a haircut.
It's a wig.
Oh, okay...so what brings you by Teena?
The janky little theatrical you staged in a church basement somewhere in Rumproast Virginia.
Well, you know it was originally staged at the Hudson Avenue Theater in Hollywood, USA!
Not exactly Broadway...
No, not exactly.  Look Teena, I think we got off on the wrong foot.  Can we just start over?
​That's why I'm here Chris.  This time I'm on your side.
What, now?
I happened to catch The Goldbergs and I was immediately put in mind of your play.
You were?
Yes, particularly when Erica Goldberg did a dance with a mop; which isn't in the movie.
It's not?
Nope.  Mops appear during It's A Hard Knock Life; but they are neither danced with or even used to mop the floor.
Check it out!

You know Teena, my friend Stephen Baltz created that dance himself.  He's very funny and talented.  He's also a playwright and a director.  Check out his Tommy Wiseau!

Funny!  Who's the other guy?
Oh, that's Taylor James "TJ" Radley.  Loved working with him!
He's hot!  Was he named after James Taylor, the singer?
As a matter of fact, he was.
Cool. Anyways...so, yeah...they basically structured the entire episode around the plot of your play: two people fighting over the role of Annie.
They weren't the first.  Young Sheldon was.  That was about a little boy playing Annie...the star of the show...and then Jason Alexander.
Hmmmm.  Did you catch Not Dead Yet?  Their last episode featured Scottish highland dancers whose kilts flap up and then their naughty bits are pixelated.  Now why would Scottish highlanders be at a wine festival?  You would've thought they'd be Italian...or French, right?
Well, I would.  
Didn't several of your recent blogs features those very things?  Those things being Scottish men in kilts, references to kilt malfunctions and also the pixelation of schvantzes?
As a matter of fact, yes.
This could all be coincidence, couldn't it?
No Teena...at this point, I don't think it could be.
Well, what are you gonna do about it?
What can I do about it?  Nothing, that's what. Sue? That's pointless.  Stop writing? I guess I'll just have to live my own life, vicariously.
I gotta admit: everyone in this business is a thief.
I'm not.
But your not in the business, are you?
At this point, I'm not sure.  I'm certainly not getting paid.
​So sad. Anyways, let's go out to eat.  I'll put on my new Cato turtleneck. Do you like my hair up?

I like it better than the wig.  Where do you want to go to eat?
How about Howard Johnson's?
I love Howard Johnson's...but there are none left...
​I can pull some strings...
FLASH-BACK SOUND EFFECT...

This clam-roll is to die for!
You know, I'm from New England and I've never liked clams...or oysters...or mussels...I didn't go near fish until I was in my twenties...
So, you've been "near fish?"  I thought you liked schvantzes...
​Ha, ha!
You know, Amy Poehler is from New England.  Massachusetts, I think.
Yeah, Burlington.  There's a mall there.  I've only been to it once. In the 70's, when I was staying with an aunt.  I remember she wore go-go boots that day.
What did you think of my go-go outfit?
A little over-stated...and you were giving some nippage.
Was I?  I'm thinking of doing a line of go-go gear.  A collab with Wonderbra...or maybe Playtex...
Do they still make Playtex?
Conversation fades into restaurant chatter.

CFR  3/10/23

Okay, here I go again...starting another blog when I haven't finished the ones I've started.  I guess I have a lot on my mind.  That's what the voices tell me, anyways.  I watched an early episode of The Beverly Hillbillies last night and it was amazingly cinematic.  There was even a scene where Miss Hathaway (Nancy Kulp) was having a conversation with both the voice of her conscience and the audience; as she was breaking the fourth wall.
Okay, so why do I have a picture up of Theresa Russell as Marilyn Monroe?  Well, I'm thinking this blog is going to be about FEMALE ARCHETYPES.  Like Marilyn is certainly one of those.  So is Theresa, I think.  You know, she's always sort of puzzled/fascinated me.  I can't and never have been able to figure her out.  It's like, what was she up to?  She was never a household name.  Never a huge star.  There's only one movie of hers that I recall vividly: Black Widow.  And I think it was because this enigma of an actress was playing a character that was an enigma.  She was kind of the whole puzzle, wrapped in a riddle, inside an enigma with a side of cheesecake.  Joseph once said to me, as we were watching one of her movies: "I can't tell if she is like, the worst actress I've ever seen; or one of the best actresses I've ever seen." And I knew exactly what he was talking about.  She seemed to search out somber roles that she would then underact, to the point of poker-facedness.  Her speaking voice was a bit on the inelegant side. Almost masculine.  The rest of her couldn't have been more feminine.  Or should I say, womanly.  Tall, blonde, shapely, pretty, great pair of breasts (set of breasts?  Boobs?  What do women prefer when referencing their chests?  Boobs maybe?) and an actress!
I might go on some tangents here...
That picture of Theresa is from a movie she filmed for her husband, Nicholas Roeg, in 1985: Insignificance. I know of it, but I've never seen it.  But it's gotten stuck in my head.  I was recently in Boston, helping to relocate my parents, and my sister, myself, and my niece, and her chocolate lab, Ellie were there.  My sister, Kate, had a Google music player so I said, "Hey Google, play New Wave favorites."  The songs started playing and one of them, which I hadn't heard in years, came up.  I knew it was Big Audio Dynamite but I didn't know the name of the song.  So, I did a little research.  It's called E=MC2.  I watched the video, which I'd never seen before.  It was peppered with clips from Nicholas Roeg movies.  In fact, the entire song (which I'd never listened to (more on that later) was about Nicholas Roeg movies.  Who knew that Joe Strummer would've been so moved by Roeg's oeuvre to write and record a song about it?

​My sister Kate is kind of iconic.  I mean, she's my only sister and she did all the things that sisters do.  And she's also the "cool aunt" to my niece, so she's iconic in that way too.

Kate's a Virgo; which means she's really good at organizing, scheduling, arrangements, cleaning: in short, getting things done.  Which is great, because I'm a bit of a procrastinator.  Even for stuff that doesn't require procrastinating.  Kate is so great at getting stuff done that I sent her this:

She loved it!
In our youth, Kate gave me two nuggets of wisdom that I have never forgotten.
"Girls never get bored because they can always find something to do."
When I pressed further on this, she explained: "...you know; like, we can do our nails...take a magazine quiz...do needlepoint...practice our cheers..." Kate was not a cheerleader.  She tried out once in high school and didn't make the cut.  She was in tears when my mother picked her up.  My mother said: "Oh, you never wanted to be a cheerleader anyways!"  Kate stopped crying and said, "Yeah, you're right!"
The second was regarding how to clean a bedroom: "You make the bed, then put everything like dirty clothes, etc. on the bed and then you work from there. When you're finished, the bed is made!"
I still use this method to this day.
Kate is also really good at recalling film plots.  She once explained the entire mini-series Sins to me, with such thoroughness that I felt I had seen it.  It starred Joan Collins.  She was running from the Nazis of something...
Speaking of archetypes and icons: MOM.  Here's mine:

Shortly thereafter, doing MOM stuff.
That's me in the front.  Get a load of that car seat.  The height of mid 60's infant safety!
My mind wanders...
What is this about?
Oh yeah, FEMALE ARCHETYPES.
I mentioned Miss Hathaway from the Beverly Hillbillies.  She was definitely a TYPE.  The epitome of the gangly, tom-boyish spinster.  But damn she was funny!  Here's the episode I mentioned:

She gets to spar with another kind of type: the blonde, not too bright stripper.  I daresay this episode borders on the risque, particularly for early 60's prime-time.
So, I'll leave you with another clip.  It's from Insignificance.  "The Actress" (Theresa Russell doing Marilyn Monroe) explaining the theory of relativity to Einstein.  I think it's an amazing piece of acting.  Ahh Theresa...we hardly know ye!
You know, I was in her presence once.  Within a couple of feet.  I was working the BAFTA awards at Universal.  There was a live feed from England for all the Brits in Los Angeles.  She arrived with Nicholas Roeg and they walked by me as the photogs phlashed.  She was wearing pants and heels and a sort of backless halter top (I think it was beaded) with a plunging neckline.  Her hair was up.  Her top was entirely inappropriate for an awards show...which I admired.  But then, British women (she's American, but Brit by marriage) seem to really enjoy showing off their...pairings.  And they were spectacular!  And 100% real.  You just can't fake that.  I also recall Dennis Christopher being there, smoking a cigarillo and smirking for some indecipherable reason.  

CFR  3/19/23

UP FROM BLACK:
EXT. AMERICAN DESERT ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF TUCUMCARI N.M. -DAY
We see a windswept stretch of high desert.  A dirt road.  A non-descript SUV makes its way through the blowing dust and tumbling tumbleweeds.
CUT TO:
INT. SUV -DAY
A non-descript American dad ALDO is driving.  In the front passenger seat is his wife: a non-descript American mom, FRIEDA.  She is tangling with a fold-up map.  In the backseat are two non-descript American kids, a brother and sister, 9 and 11.  They are FRANGELICA and THADDEUS.
ALDO 
Frieda, use the GPS on your phone, for cripes sake!
FRIEDA
Aldo...there's no signal!  Kids are you getting anything on your phones?
FRANGELICA
Mom, our screens are blank!  How is that even possible?  Are we lost?  I'm frightened!
ALDO
I'm frightened too honey...
FRIEDA
(Under her breath)  Don't tell her that...
THADDEUS
I'm hungry.  Can we stop to eat?
ALDO
First place I see Thaddeus.  I'm hungry too...
CUT TO:
EXT. ROADSIDE DINER -DAY
We see a classic chromium airstream style diner, now gone to seed.  Weeds spring up around its base and sandy winds blast at its windows.  A tumbleweed blows by. A faded sign reads: FRANCES' FOOD-A-TERIA
​CUT TO:
INT. ROADSIDE DINER -DAY
A forlorn woman, looking like someone out of a Dorothea Lange photo, gazes blankly out the window at the sun-baked desolation.  She SIGHS.  This is FRANCES, the owner of the establishment.
FRANCES
Fire up the grill Buddy...something whitebread, this way comes...

CUT TO:
INT. SUV  -DAY
FRIEDA
There's something shiny on the road up ahead!
ALDO
What is it?
FRIEDA
I think it's a diner...yes...there's a sign...what does that say Frangelica?
FRANGELICA
"Frances' Food-a-Teria."
THADDEUS
What's a "floor show"?
ALDO
What?  What are you talking about?
THADDEUS
It says "floor show nightly."
ALDO
Floor show?  That can't be possible.
THADDEUS
But what is it?
FRIEDA
It's like a show honey.  With singing and dancing...maybe magic or stand-up comedy...
THADDEUS
Cool!  I wanna see the floor show!

CUT TO:
INT. DINER -DAY
The family enters the diner where they are met by BUDDY.  He is somewhere in his 50s: cook, waiter, maitre d'(?), jack of all trades.
BUDDY
Will you folks be dining in?
ALDO
Yes...I mean, you are open...I hope?
BUDDY
Oh, yes...of course!  Right this way!
He escorts them all to a booth.  They are the only patrons. They sit and Buddy pours them water.
ALDO
(Drinks) Ahh!  Sweet, cool, precious H2O!
FRIEDA
Do you have menus?
BUDDY
Ah, not on paper...the waitress will be with you in a minute...
Buddy disappears, leaving the family curious and somewhat bewildered.
FRANGELICA
I'm starving.  I want a cheeseburger.
THADDEUS
I want a grilled cheese--
FRANCES looms up, seemingly out of nowhere, startling Frieda.  She is wearing a classic blue waitress' uniform with a white apron.
FRANCES
We don't have grilled cheese.
ALDO
That's okay.  He loves chicken fingers...do you have a kids menu?
FRANCES
Let me tell you about our specials.
FRIEDA
If we could just--
Frances raises her hand, silencing Frieda.
FRANCES
Today we're serving Welsh rarebit with brussel sprouts glazed in a hollandaise reduction sauce.  We also have pheasant under glass with whipped turnips and pan seared nori.  Also rump roast with caramelized rutabaga and an asparagus and kiwi souffle.  Finally, twice baked Kraft Macaroni and cheese.
FRIEDA
That's it?
FRANCES
That's it.
FRIEDA
Well, my son will have the macaroni and cheese, I guess...
FRANCES
Did I mention it was stuffed inside a suckling pig?
FRIEDA
No...
FRANCES
Well it is.
ALDO
Could we possibly get it outside of the pig?
FRANCES
Well, we don't like to do substitutions...but in this case, we'll make an exception...(SHOUTING) Hey Buddy, one order of KMC and 86 little Wilbur!

FRANGELICA
What is "Welsh Rarebit?"
FRANCES
It's just like grilled cheese, except the cheese is on the outside.
FRANGELICA
I guess I'll have that.
FRANCES
Very good. And for you ma'am?
FRIEDA
I'm not very hungry; I'll just pick from my husband's plate...
FRANCES
And what will you have Sir?
ALDO
The rump roast, medium well; but could I get the pan-seared nori instead of the rutuabagas?
FRANCES
Did I not just say there were no substitutions?
ALDO
Yes...?
FRANCES
But for you, handsome, I'll make an exception!
FRIEDA
What do you have in the way of beverages?
FRANCES
You name it.
FRIEDA
A Grasshopper.
FRANCES 
Very good.  And for you young man?
THADDEUS
Crystal Pepsi.
FRANCES
Excellent choice.  And you miss?
FRANGELICA
Diet Squirt please.
FRANCES
One Diet Squirt.  And you Sir?
ALDO
(Contemplating) How about a Billy Beer?
FRANCES
Certainly Sir.  I'll be right back with the drinks.
Frances disappears as suddenly as she'd appeared.
FRIEDA
Wait, do they still make Billy Beer?
ALDO
No!  They haven't made it since nineteen-seventy-eight.
FRIEDA
Okay, this place is really--
Frances is suddenly there again, now with a tray of drinks.  She serves.
FRANCES
Will you be staying for the floor show?
THADDEUS
See Dad.  I told you!
ALDO
I don't see how we could possibly not. 
FRANCES
Please don't use double negatives.
ALDO
Sorry.  So is the show included? 
FRANCES
Well, no.  It's ten dollars for adults; but since it's Wednesday, for kids twelve and under, it's free.
FRIEDA
When does it start?
FRANCES
When I say it starts.

FRIEDA
You know what, I think I'll try the pheasant!  I've never had it before!
FRANCES
You won't be disappointed.
Again she disappears.
THADDEUS
This place is cool!
FRANGELICA
(Holding up phone, snapping pictures, looking) My pictures are all out of focus...like all of them...
Everybody sips their drinks.  Before they even put their glasses down, Frances and Buddy return with food trays.
BUDDY
Who had the Welsh Rarebit?
FRANGELICA
Me...
FRIEDA
My that was quick!
FRANCES
We pride ourselves here at the Food-A-Teria for prompt service.
ALDO
But how?  Is it pre-prepared?
BUDDY
Oh no, Sir!
FRANCES
We do everything from scratch!
ALDO
When?
FRANCES
Chef never reveals his secrets!  (Placing final dish) And here is your pheasant ma'am.  
Frieda lifts the glass, revealing an exquisitely plated dish.  Three pheasant feathers also decorate the plate.
FRIEDA
It smells delicious!
FRANCES
Enjoy. The show will be starting soon...
Again, she and Buddy seem to disappear in a puff of smoke.  The family take tentative bites of their food.
ALDO
This meat is cooked to perfection!  And who would've thought that asparagus and kiwi would pair so well?
FRIEDA
Pheasant is really...pleasant!
THADDEUS
This mac and cheese is blowing my mind!
FRANGELICA
(Talking to her plate)  Welsh Rarebit; where have you been all my life?
​Suddenly, there is a DRUM ROLL and we hear Buddy over a loudspeaker.
BUDDY
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the outskirts of Tucumcari!  Frances' Food-A-Teria is proud to present...THE FLOOR SHOW...

Buddy, now in a tuxedo, comes out from behind a red velvet curtain and goes to the counter.  He lifts a portion of it, revealing a built in piano.  He sits and begins plunking, dirge-like, on one of the keys.  The lights dim and a spotlight turns on.
BUDDY
Presenting, Miss F.
Frances, wearing a very Liza-esque red sequined jump-suit is lowered to the counter on a red velvet swing.  She sparkles in the spotlight.
FRANCES
(Talk-singing in the tempo of the piano, like some German chanteuse)  When I was younger, oh so much younger, my daddy said to me: "Sweet pea, these are your salad days...your time to be free..."  I took his words to heart; but what they meant to me...was that literally...I was meant to make salads...on a cruise ship out at sea...but that was long ago...and now that ship has docked...and brought this girl full circle...back to Tucumcari...and finally back to me...
Suddenly, there is a blare of trumpet and a mariachi band comes out of the shadows.  Frances stands on the counter and begins to dance.
FRANCES
(Singing at full volume) Tucumcari tonight! Gotta get to Tucumcari, it's so right!
Tucumcari tonight
Gotta get to the airport for my flight!
Tucumcari tonight!
Tucumcari...am I right?
The wind is blowin'
Tumbleweeds just a-goin'
I gotta get out of this trailer
Hit the town...pick up a sailor
I'm bored to tears
Gotta face my fears
Wanna get some leers
So it's Tucumcari tonight!
Tucumcari--I just can't fight...
​Come on baby...don't say maybe...​better escort this lady...
At this point, three male dancers appear, wearing little more than thongs.  The family, still eating, is watching this in utter delight...and perhaps some shock.
ALDO
Is that dancer...Channing Tatum?
FRANGELICA
It can't be...can it?
FRIEDA
It sure looks like him...
The three dancers lift Frances and place her on a counter stool.  Then the four of them do an elaborately choreographed dance number on the stools: spinning, leaping, acrobatics, etc.

FRANCES
(Talk singing) Tucumcari is conveniently located on Route 66!
DANCERS
(Singing) Get your kicks!
FRANCES
​Tucumcari has a historical museum, a rail-road museum and a dinosaur museum!
DANCERS
Jurassa-tastic!
FRANCES
Tucumcari is in the Great State of New Mexico!
DANCERS
State of mind!
FRANCES
(Singing) Tucumcari tonight!
Gonna hit that town and take a big bite!
Don't wanna waste time, gonna sing some words that rhyme!
Salad!
DANCERS
Ballad!
FRANCES
Mallard!
FRANCES
Coyote!
DANCERS
Peyote!
ALDO
I feel like I'm on peyote...
THADDEUS
What's peyote?
FRANCES AND DANCERS
(Doing a kick-line)...T...U...C...U...M...C...A....R...I
TUCUMCARI TONIGHT!
The entertainers freeze in a stylized tableau.
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. BLUE SWALLOW MOTEL -DAWN
We see the vintage neon sign with the rays of the sun behind it.  We hear birdsong.  The sign snaps off.
CUT TO:
INT. MOTEL ROOM -DAY
The family, still in their clothes and shoes are lying on the beds.  Aldo and Frieda on one and Frangelica and Thaddeus on the other.  One by one, their eyes flicker open and they stare at the ceiling.
ALDO
I had the weirdest dream...we were at this diner in the middle of nowhere and they had Billy beer...
FRANGELICA
What's welsh rarebit?
FRIEDA 
I ate a pheasant...and Tatum Channing was there...
ALDO
Channing Tatum...
THADDEUS
They had Crystal Pepsi...
FRIEDA
We all had the same dream?  Is that possible?
CUT TO:
INT. SUV -DAY
The car hurtles down the Interstate.  It's a beautiful day.  Frangelica is swiping at her phone.
FRANGELICA
I don't understand this.  All my pictures are gone...
THADDEUS
Mom?
FRIEDA
Yes Thaddeus?
THADDEUS
What's that in your hair?
Frieda runs her hand through her hair and pulls out a long pheasant feather.  They all look at one another in nonplussed bemusement.
​FADE OUT
END

CFR  3/9/23